The 'Shroom:Issue LXXXII/Fake News
Hey, and welcome to the Fake News, and happy 2014! Looks like we're all still here. How surprising.
So, anyway, is it really 2014 already? Really? Already? 2014? Is it?
Yes, it is. Get over it.
We have quite a special section towards the end of this issue. As you may or may not be aware of, one of our directors, Tucayo (talk), has just gone off somewhere to do god-knows-what. And, what's worse, he's left me with this special section and I've got no clue what I'm meant to do with it. I'll just plonk it somewhere around Ask Paper Yoshi.
So, anyway, doesn't look like we're changing any of our staff around today, so I may as well get straight into the Section of the Month.
Oh god. Looks like I won, somehow, with my News Flush gaining an amount that can only be described as 26 votes, for the sole reason that it was indeed 26 votes. Am I meant to praise myself? Paper Yoshi (talk) and Yoshi876 (talk), or the Yoshi Brigade as I never call them, were close behind, gaining second and third respectively, for Ask Paper Yoshi (17 votes) and Obituaries (11 votes).
Have a prosperous and enjoyable 2014. Stay in school. Don't die. Whatever you find inspirational, pretend I just said it there.
Well, I got some serious over-time as a present that one Wednesday before the last from my
General News, Reporting for Duty
Panic arose when the proclaimed "Glorious Green" fell from his throne when 2014 said hi. Our hospitalized people who were seeking prime scoops worldwide have reported endless riots have been starting across the world with everything hungry to have their name famed for this year, particularly the Yoshi Empire as they've literally been eating everything and are still hungry for fame. Stay in your houses, for these Yoshi bring cookies, and not the kind Santa
Even if you decline their offerings of these, run home and reinforce your windows, because refusal was rejected from their dictionaries for being too unfathomable of an action to them and these Yoshis are on a mission to make you experience these snacks, one way or another. You better be running in dense trousers too, for they will hurl these cookies at you like sawblades when they see you running or behind some windows and if you get hit, it'll likely sever your leg or whatever it hit or make you have to get it severed. Their inanely cruel dictator (whose name another one of my people on the scene didn't live long enough to relay back to me) declared by the end of the month, 2014 will be known as the Year of whatever his name happens to be, regardless of how many he has to kill, betray or devour. Definitely not the kind of guy you'd want to meet in a dark alley, that's for sure.
For weeks, the fighting for a title most didn't plan how they'd obtain continued, eventually escalating to the point Bowser brought out the nukes that he believed would give him immediate victory despite him retreating to fire them in the nearby vicinity. Professor Elvin Gadd tried to build and use a time machine to go back to the start of 2013 and try to stop what initiated the Year of Luigi, but Luigi fanboys and fangirls weren't having it and roughed him up until he looked like he could pass as part of a golf course.
In an attempt to end this crisis
Hunger is an opportunist. As soon as it sees room open up in your stomach, it barrel rolls into you and hogs the empty space. The feeling of such an opportunist lurking in your stomach is what makes one yearn to eat, and the food that is devoured crushes the hunger and liberates the empty space it was occupying for itself, causing one to feel full again. This cycle repeats, and that is how hunger works. Unfortunately, mad scientists ironically hungry for science have now figured out how to catch hunger. A net, radar and bottle. Geniuses.
The scientists first succeeded in getting Type Y hunger into an empty bottle, and immediately began running tests on it. After testing it on several people, they deduced those who this hunger enters are all Yoshis, as subjects' reaction to the hunger causes them to become fairly unstable, to the point subjects may even try to devour everything they deemed edible in sight. Further analysis revealed that the Type Y hunger could not be obtained by a non-Yoshi creature unless it was forced into them while there was room, and that Type Y hunger can also be created by the resonating rumpus (decode that at your own risk) of a Yoshi. Additionally, upon forcing it into Yoshis, they seem to be immune to the unstable effects of the Type Y, likely due to the fact they generate it. The large quantities of Type Y has deeply influenced the trading of Type Y hunger-infected food stuffs in the black market, which makes it a key ingredient in the aforementioned food items. One of these are the Yoshi Cookie.
I highly advise you avoid having one of these enter anywhere but your mouth, as it is deeply excruciating and may decapitate your leg if it connects hard enough. This food item's raw power when thrust is due to the Yoshi pellets of a substance better not spoken of, which coat the outer layer of cookie to prevent it from crumbling as easily. When devoured, this coating has been famous for the reactions it causes from consuming merely the coating and not even the actual cookie, those reactions of which commonly involving fierce ejection of insides, which I shall codename as "splurging" to reduce the intensity of the mental image my words may be transmitting.
The actual cookie is somewhat delectable in your mouth, making the overall experience disgust and then if the person is brave enough to take another bite, minor delight. However, the after-effects make this treat considerably more unfavourable. Consumers who are not Yoshis will succumb to the negative effects of the lethal Type Y hunger, feeling intense hunger pangs, the powerful craving to devour everything in sight and complete and overall instability. So the general moral (yes, this has nonsense morals, redirect your thanks to my supervisors, and stay in doors because the dimensional stability is now out of balance) here is if you're not a Yoshi, become one or suffer the merciless wrath of them spiteful dinosaurs.
2013 was the Year of the Luigi, but 2014 most definitely isn’t as Luigi died only a few days in. The twin brother to the much more popular and successful Mario died the unheroic death of jumping down a pit. The Mushroom Kingdom went into mourning minutes after the death, which allowed Bowser to kidnap Princess Peach again
Many people, were deeply saddened by Luigi's sudden death, including King Boo who said “Finally that idiot is gone. The amount of times I went into that stupid vacuum honestly, I’m surprised I’m not covered in dust, curtains, and all the other things that thing sucks up! And now that he's gone I can finally have my ghost army, together we will be unstoppable!” Hang on, did you fetch the wrong interview? Anyway, some were actually saddened by his death, like Mario. However, he declined to comment as he was too busy
Due to Luigi’s untimely death his his house is up for sale, complete with a trained dog that will scare off any intruders as well as making you late for work as it eats yours keys and runs off with them. King Boo was also able to take over the world with his ghost army as
It is a deep shame that Luigi died, but on the bright side we know have supreme ghost overlords, and all vacuums have been banned.
Ask Paper Yoshi
Hello, everyone, and welcome to this month's issue of Ask Paper Yoshi!! Even though I left the emergency room a few days after last issue's little incident, I have recently had one of my wisdom teeth removed, so I'm not feeling 100% just yet. Anyway, that doesn't eliminate the work I have to do, so let's get to the important stuff: the questions.
First of all, let's see what Koopartol Brick Block has for us this month. He asks:
And now it's time to check Icemario's questions for this month. He asks:
Well, that's all for this month, folks!! Don't forget to keep your questions coming, and remember to check every month for the answers! See you in February!!
HI, readers! I'm your hyphen-loving friend, Tucayo, here to answer your questions one last time. About a month-and-a-half ago, I asked you to send me your questions, and from then to the December 20th deadline, I got four questions, so let's get this started!