The 'Shroom:Issue LXXXII/Fake News
Hey, and welcome to the Fake News, and happy 2014! Looks like we're all still here. How surprising.
So, anyway, is it really 2014 already? Really? Already? 2014? Is it?
Yes, it is. Get over it.
We have quite a special section towards the end of this issue. As you may or may not be aware of, one of our directors, Tucayo (talk), has just gone off somewhere to do god-knows-what. And, what's worse, he's left me with this special section and I've got no clue what I'm meant to do with it. I'll just plonk it somewhere around Ask Paper Yoshi.
So, anyway, doesn't look like we're changing any of our staff around today, so I may as well get straight into the Section of the Month.
Oh god. Looks like I won, somehow, with my News Flush gaining an amount that can only be described as 26 votes, for the sole reason that it was indeed 26 votes. Am I meant to praise myself? Paper Yoshi (talk) and Yoshi876 (talk), or the Yoshi Brigade as I never call them, were close behind, gaining second and third respectively, for Ask Paper Yoshi (17 votes) and Obituaries (11 votes).
Have a prosperous and enjoyable 2014. Stay in school. Don't die. Whatever you find inspirational, pretend I just said it there.
Well, I got some serious over-time as a present that one Wednesday before the last from my
skinflint forever loving supervisors. Catch hyperthermia and die in a chasm Many thanks, you vile lunatics brilliant bunch.
General News, Reporting for Duty
Panic arose when the proclaimed "Glorious Green" fell from his throne when 2014 said hi. Our hospitalized people who were seeking prime scoops worldwide have reported endless riots have been starting across the world with everything hungry to have their name famed for this year, particularly the Yoshi Empire as they've literally been eating everything and are still hungry for fame. Stay in your houses, for these Yoshi bring cookies, and not the kind Santa
steals from you on the night of the 24th is kindly yet indirectly offered by the people in them, for these cookies are severely noxious and will wreck you if you dare consume one.
Even if you decline their offerings of these, run home and reinforce your windows, because refusal was rejected from their dictionaries for being too unfathomable of an action to them and these Yoshis are on a mission to make you experience these snacks, one way or another. You better be running in dense trousers too, for they will hurl these cookies at you like sawblades when they see you running or behind some windows and if you get hit, it'll likely sever your leg or whatever it hit or make you have to get it severed. Their inanely cruel dictator (whose name another one of my people on the scene didn't live long enough to relay back to me) declared by the end of the month, 2014 will be known as the Year of whatever his name happens to be, regardless of how many he has to kill, betray or devour. Definitely not the kind of guy you'd want to meet in a dark alley, that's for sure.
For weeks, the fighting for a title most didn't plan how they'd obtain continued, eventually escalating to the point Bowser brought out the nukes that he believed would give him immediate victory despite him retreating to fire them in the nearby vicinity. Professor Elvin Gadd tried to build and use a time machine to go back to the start of 2013 and try to stop what initiated the Year of Luigi, but Luigi fanboys and fangirls weren't having it and roughed him up until he looked like he could pass as part of a golf course.
In an attempt to end this crisis
and seize the title for themselves, the Star Spirits used all their own energy to try and overpower all the title hungry thoughts of people, but Waluigi quickly infiltrated Star Haven and sent the group into deep comas using a live crane and a wrecking ball. Fortunately for the other competitors, the wrecking ball ended up flattening the Star Rod, preventing use. Just as the situation hit rock bottom (poor thing scraped its knee in the process) though, Nintendo popped in and announced there would still be Year of Luigi activities this year, immediately calming the storm for now. While it'll probably be safe this year, civilians are advised to reinforce their houses, bodies and clothes before 2015 starts, as that'll likely be a bloodbath that you may want to bring soap to.
Hunger is an opportunist. As soon as it sees room open up in your stomach, it barrel rolls into you and hogs the empty space. The feeling of such an opportunist lurking in your stomach is what makes one yearn to eat, and the food that is devoured crushes the hunger and liberates the empty space it was occupying for itself, causing one to feel full again. This cycle repeats, and that is how hunger works. Unfortunately, mad scientists ironically hungry for science have now figured out how to catch hunger. A net, radar and bottle. Geniuses.
The scientists first succeeded in getting Type Y hunger into an empty bottle, and immediately began running tests on it. After testing it on several people, they deduced those who this hunger enters are all Yoshis, as subjects' reaction to the hunger causes them to become fairly unstable, to the point subjects may even try to devour everything they deemed edible in sight. Further analysis revealed that the Type Y hunger could not be obtained by a non-Yoshi creature unless it was forced into them while there was room, and that Type Y hunger can also be created by the resonating rumpus (decode that at your own risk) of a Yoshi. Additionally, upon forcing it into Yoshis, they seem to be immune to the unstable effects of the Type Y, likely due to the fact they generate it. The large quantities of Type Y has deeply influenced the trading of Type Y hunger-infected food stuffs in the black market, which makes it a key ingredient in the aforementioned food items. One of these are the Yoshi Cookie.
I highly advise you avoid having one of these enter anywhere but your mouth, as it is deeply excruciating and may decapitate your leg if it connects hard enough. This food item's raw power when thrust is due to the Yoshi pellets of a substance better not spoken of, which coat the outer layer of cookie to prevent it from crumbling as easily. When devoured, this coating has been famous for the reactions it causes from consuming merely the coating and not even the actual cookie, those reactions of which commonly involving fierce ejection of insides, which I shall codename as "splurging" to reduce the intensity of the mental image my words may be transmitting.
The actual cookie is somewhat delectable in your mouth, making the overall experience disgust and then if the person is brave enough to take another bite, minor delight. However, the after-effects make this treat considerably more unfavourable. Consumers who are not Yoshis will succumb to the negative effects of the lethal Type Y hunger, feeling intense hunger pangs, the powerful craving to devour everything in sight and complete and overall instability. So the general moral (yes, this has nonsense morals, redirect your thanks to my supervisors, and stay in doors because the dimensional stability is now out of balance) here is if you're not a Yoshi, become one or suffer the merciless wrath of them spiteful dinosaurs.
2013 was the Year of the Luigi, but 2014 most definitely isn’t as Luigi died only a few days in. The twin brother to the much more popular and successful Mario died the unheroic death of jumping down a pit. The Mushroom Kingdom went into mourning minutes after the death, which allowed Bowser to kidnap Princess Peach again
luckily I don’t have to report on that.
Many people, were deeply saddened by Luigi's sudden death, including King Boo who said “Finally that idiot is gone. The amount of times I went into that stupid vacuum honestly, I’m surprised I’m not covered in dust, curtains, and all the other things that thing sucks up! And now that he's gone I can finally have my ghost army, together we will be unstoppable!” Hang on, did you fetch the wrong interview? Anyway, some were actually saddened by his death, like Mario. However, he declined to comment as he was too busy
celebrating mourning, although many sources say this is because he can't beat New Super Luigi U. Some people who definitely weren’t happy about these recent events are The Official Luigi Fanclub who released this official statement “Luigi did not deserve to die, it should’ve been Mario because Luigi is always in his shadow, always held back, always*removed as the reader of this statement found out what ‘’true’’ boredom really is*. In short Luigi, will be missed and Mario is dumb."
Due to Luigi’s untimely death his his house is up for sale, complete with a trained dog that will scare off any intruders as well as making you late for work as it eats yours keys and runs off with them. King Boo was also able to take over the world with his ghost army as
the green-clad ghostbuster / heroic Mario brother was unable to stop them.
It is a deep shame that Luigi died, but on the bright side we know have supreme ghost overlords, and all vacuums have been banned.
Ask Paper Yoshi
Hello, everyone, and welcome to this month's issue of Ask Paper Yoshi!! Even though I left the emergency room a few days after last issue's little incident, I have recently had one of my wisdom teeth removed, so I'm not feeling 100% just yet. Anyway, that doesn't eliminate the work I have to do, so let's get to the important stuff: the questions.
First of all, let's see what Koopartol Brick Block has for us this month. He asks:
- TECHHNOKOOPABB WAS ONLY MADE FOR ONE PURPOSE ONLY-
sorry... it was made for
keeping paper yoshi in the HQ
Anyways, what is up with you running away gag?
- Well, I... I tried to explain what actually happened at the HQ that day, but I was afraid people wouldn't understand it, so I ran away (and hit my head in the process).
- Also if you had the ability to rename Bowser what would it be?
- I guess I would keep his Japanese name, Koopa, for the international releases. It just sounds so cool!
- Also what if you were invisible?
- If that were possible, I would try to help people any way I could, instead of just running around and wrecking havoc everywhere. :P
- Also what if you owned a clocktower?
- Well, I would certainly take good care of it, keeping it as clean as possible, and making sure it's in prime working condition.
- Also what if you baked a pie? What flavor would it be?
- Knowing myself, I suppose it'd have chocolate in some way, if I were to bake a pie.
- Also what if you lost your vowel keys?
- Wll, tht wld crtnly mk t vry hrd t cmmnct wth thr ppl, bt w cld wrk t t smhw.
(Editor's translation: Well, that would certainly make it very hard to communicate with other people, but we could work it out somehow.)
- Also what do you think is worst thing YOU. EVER. DONE.
Setting Smasher's computer on fire...
I... don't know what that'd be... Perhaps fighting with my sister for absolutely no reason in the past. We're great friends now, so that really makes no sense as I look back at it.
- Also what if YOU were on top of a clocktower and had to get down?
- I guess I would try to find out the best secure way to go down from the clocktower.
- Also have you ever tasted metal?
- Um, I have never tasted metal, and I surely don't want to do that in the foreseeable future.
- Also have you ever smashed a Tonka Toy with your bare hands? (Dude, you get lots of stuff for breaking one of those toys!)
- I have never come across a Tonka Toy here in Brazil, so I have never broken one with my bare hands.
And now it's time to check Icemario's questions for this month. He asks:
- What's your least favourite household chore and why?
- Although I usually don't have many chores, I particularly hate taking out the trash, which I believe isn't very pleasant to do.
- Got any phobias?
- Um, I guess not, at least not that I have noticed up until now.
- What's your favourite kind of stories and why?
- I like stories with a lot of adventure, but also with a hint of drama and a few funny parts, as I find that combination especially enjoyable.
- When it comes to games, physical or digital and why?
- Physical for video games and digital for PC games and, obviously, mobile games. Although the eShop makes it easier to purchase 3DS games, for example, I prefer to get physical copies of 3DS games, as I already own physical copies of various DS, Wii and GBA games. As for PC games, the Steam Store is a very convenient and cheap (especially here in Brazil) way of getting PC games, so that's where I do all my game shopping now.
- Favourite animal and why?
- I simply love dogs because they're very friendly, playful and downright adorable (as long as you don't mess with them).
- Have you ever gone camping and if so, what was it like?
- I have never gone camping, and, if I ever did, I believe it wouldn't be a very pleasant experience, as I'm not very interested on doing it any time.
- Favourite board game and why?
- Definitely Rummikub. For those who don't know it, Rummikub is a game in which you have to make sequences with differently-coloured tiles numbered from 1 to 13. Sequences must have at least three tiles, and the valid ones are those with same-coloured tiles in consecutive number order – such as 6 7 8 or 10 11 12 13 – and those with three or four same-value tiles in different colours – 5 5 5 or 10 10 10 10, for example. I usually play it with my family when we go to the beach during end-of-year celebrations (and I always win the most matches :D).
- As a probable owner of Wii Sports, have you ever rolled the bowling ball into the audience during Bowling? If you have, how did you feel about it and would you do it again? If you haven't, would you now that it's on your mind?
- Yes, I have, as a matter of fact, but I did it accidentally. I... guess I would try to do it again the next time I play Wii Sports.
- What's your favourite Zelda item and why?
- I guess that'd be the Clawshot from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess due to its versatility and the ability to grapple a second target while holding onto the first one using the Double Clawshots, which makes them very useful.
- What is your opinion of Wario: Master of Disguise?
- I once rented that game out of curiosity, as I own many other Mario-related DS titles, but my time with it wasn't very pleasant. I didn't really "get" the controls, and although I didn't play much of it, the story wasn't very appealing, in my opinion, so, overall, I didn't really like the game.
- What's your favourite Pokémon type and why?
- Although my favourite Pokémon is a Grass/Ground-type, I really like the Water type due to the absurd amount of Pokémon with that type and their versatility, especially when it comes to using the HM moves Surf and Waterfall both in the field and during combat.
Well, that's all for this month, folks!! Don't forget to keep your questions coming, and remember to check every month for the answers! See you in February!!
HI, readers! I'm your hyphen-loving friend, Tucayo, here to answer your questions one last time. About a month-and-a-half ago, I asked you to send me your questions, and from then to the December 20th deadline, I got four questions, so let's get this started!
Our first question comes from Yoshi876, who asks:
- What's your favourite memory from the wiki?
- Oh, great question. I have so many great memories stemming from the wiki, especially around the community, but I'll center specifically in the wiki. Curiously, my favorite memories from the wiki are the ones that got me working non-stop.
- When we decided to split the Recipes page back in 2010, I took upon myself to create the pages for Tayce T. and Saffron and Dyllis' recipes. Up until that point I had mostly been a gnomework type of guy, so those were my first big project in the wiki! Of course, the pages have been greatly improved in the past three years, but at the moment I felt immensely proud of those! The former is the only FA I feel comfortable taking pride in.
- Restoring some of the really bad vandal attacks also created some good memories. Sure, it was a terrible load of work, but in the end you feel really satisfied you could help the wiki.
- Contributing some images to the list of Paper Mario beta elements was probably one of the first things I did, and that's how I started to talk to Twentytwofiftyseven (talk), so that's a huge bonus!
- *sigh* So many great memories it's hard to list them all, but there you have three of my best ones.
Next we have Driftmaster130, who sent this in:
- How much wood couldn't a woodchuck not chuck if a woodchuck couldn't chuck wood?
- This is serious business, boy. This ain't no Mindless Junk.
aregularforumuser has a very valid question:
- why are you so gosh dang awesome
- Heh, thanks *blushes* But to answer the question, that is because I am usually wearing a tux. It's certified, wearing fancy clothing makes you awesome.
And last but not least we have NSY who took me back over a decade with his question:
- What was the game that made you a gamer?
- Ah, at first I was going to answer Super Mario World, since that is the first game I ever played, all the way back in 1997, but then I asked myself "did I really become a gamer because of SMW?" True, it did get me into gaming, but I just played it casually and never even knew what it was about. My real obsession with video games began in December 1998 (or maybe 99??), when I got not one, but two Nintendo 64's for Christmas! One was the Mario Kart 64 bundle and the other one was the Super Mario 64 one, both of which bring me such memories.
- So there, I guess you could say I am a gamer thanks to those three games. If I had to single one out, I would go with Super Mario 64, which is the first game that truly caught me in every way.
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