The 'Shroom:Issue LXXXI/Fake News
Christmas again. Wow, has it really been a year since last Christmas?
Well, yes, it has. But, in all seriousness, 2013 has gone quite quickly. Especially considering how terrible a year it was. It was awful. And 2014's probably going to be worse. But enough of this relentless pessimism. We have, of course, gathered here to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. I know you're probably bored of this, but Christmas isn't just about presents. It's not all about decorations, or (bad) music, or even good food. We have, and always do, neglect the one true meaning of Christmas.
That being the Christmas edition of the Fake News, of course.
So anyway, Yoshi K (talk) and Mr. Game & Watch (talk) haven't been around here for a while now, which sucks. Unfortunately, I've had to remove them from their positions, which, on the bright side, does mean that we now have vacancies in the Game Corner, Sport Report and Shop Scout sections. So if you'd like to write for them, feel free to sign up. Well, I mean, you could've when they were still writing them. We're fine about two people writing the same section. So really everything's open. Except being director. That's my job. You can't have it. Get your own.
November's Section of the Month went to Paper Yoshi (talk) and Ask Paper Yoshi, with 26 votes. Icemario11 (talk) came second, with 18 votes, who was then followed by Yoshi876 (talk)'s Obituaries with 10.
Either way, have a good Christmas, wherever you be. I will leave you with a haiku I have written:
Duck duck duck duck duck
Local firestarter and notorious troublemaker Bowser, King of the Koopas, has exclusively revealed to the 'Shroom that he indeed has been inducted into the Magic Square, the Mushroom Kingdom's most prominent institution of magic. This has been met with a lot of skepticism from residents of the Mushroom Kingdom, who feel that Bowser will use his powers to inflict terror upon them, or even steal Princess Peach.
Toadsworth has told the 'Shroom. "Bowser cannot be trusted with such powerful powers! Yes, quite. I am sure he will use this magic to turn everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom into a goat or steal Christmas or something - mmm, quite. Yes, indeed. What ho? Mmm, yes, indeed. Good golly!" I left before he could say anything else. I'm not even sure if he's stopped.
Mr. Worth is not alone in these suspicions. A recent poll taken shows that 68.4% feel that Bowser will indeed attack them with this magic, whereas 44.35% don't. Of the people who created this survey, 100% don't understand how percentages work. Many feel that Bowser will use his magical powers to steal Princess Peach again, if he has not done so already. It has been a while since we last checked.
I tracked down Bowser to see what he had to say about this.
The 'Shroom: So, Bowser...
Somebody else tracked down Bowser to apologize for what I did.
The 'Shroom: So, Mr. Koopa, why have you joined the Magic Square?
Conclusive proof if ever we saw it. Bowser does indeed not want to use his magical powers for evil, as he is a very nice person who is not threatening at all and will not burn me if I say otherwise. This is MrConcreteDonkey, reporting for the 'Shroom.
New magician Bowser, moments after claiming that he was not going to use his magical powers for evil, has stolen Christmas! The chilling photograph to the right of this text clearly shows Bowser, in magician attire, holding Santa Claus hostage, with a Christmas tree. Minutes after this picture surfaced, Christmas trees and presents across the Kingdom had gone missing, and the snow had been replaced by a thick covering of goats.
Mere moments before this had happened, Bowser completed his induction into the Magic Square, the Mushroom Kingdom's organisation of magic and tomfoolery and whatnot, gaining the pictured cape, hat, moustache and authentic magic wand (not one of those completely unrealistic fake wands they use in Harry Potter - seriously, they're not even black and white). The Square has issued a statement regarding this, stating that they do not admire Bowser's use of this power, but is very impressed that such a low-level magician could perform such an act.
Bowser's stealing of Christmas has also led to threats of a lawsuit from the Grinch, who claims that he had the idea of stealing Christmas before Bowser did. Bowser has currently not responded to these claims.
Oh good lord.
Merry Christmas everybody...wait, what do you mean it's not Christmas yet? Or that it really is Christmas at the time you're reading this? Do you all live in Tokyo? Here, as I am typing this sentence, it is 7:01 P.M. on the eastern coast of the United States. But that's not the point of why I'm here...I'm here to tell you about this wonderful vacation financed by Smasher that I just had to Coney Island Disco Palace...er, no the Great Tower of Bowser Land.
King Bowser gave the castle yet another useless remodel, but now it's a place filled with strobe lights and less lava! Hooray! Bowser's turned his entire castle into an amusement park, with strange clear pipes and theme park rides that were nearly literally pulled from Disney World! There's a fun Paratroopa merry-go-round and a Waddle Dee train. Yes, Bowser has branched out to copying from the new Kirby game. Go Bowser.
The best part about the castle besides the obligatory restaurant is that you can beat up Bowser's best minions as much as you want for extra training. I'm still a little tired out from fighting five Motley Bossblobs at the same time, which was a great challenge. Those new Goombas don't stand a chance against Bowser's new car and his explosive soccer balls...anyways, if you're super bored, this tower has a thing for you.
And yes, the obligatory restaurant. The Coney Creamery is an ice cream parlor where you can get a variety of flavors while relaxing under a seizure-inducing strobe light. Some of my favorite flavors include Fried Minecraft Fan, Mint Mint, Russian Missile, and Smasher. Unfortunately the cones are ridiculously expensive at the price of fifty coins...what do you mean that's easy to find? I don't even get paid in coins...I get paid in baseballs.
(note: there's a place right down the street that exchanges baseballs for gold bars)
All in all, if you're looking for a place that will give you thousands of flavors of ice cream and lots of bosses to blitz through, this is the place to go! You don't even need to take a plane there; there's these new "clear pipes" that take you everywhere. I'll have you know that back in my day pipes were green...and OPAQUE.
Five squids out of four.
So, what are you folks doing this holiday season? Prepping some milk and cookies for a special guest? Mowing down innocent old ladies with your new sled? Screwing people over by buying a box of mistletoe and chucking them willy-nilly at groups of people? Heck, could you even be spending your days fishing? Do tell in a complicated elaboration.
Sow-Sow Styling Show
Be sure to stay pinned to your seat folks,
Any of you ever been in a water fight? If so, perhaps you've gotten wiped out by one of the kids' newfangled water guns in the past? Or maybe you just got blasted for looking like a cheeky rapscallion of a whipper-snapper to an elderly man? Heck, maybe you're that one suicidal, foolish chump who thought a water gun would end their life quickly. Regardless, this piece of assassination garb will be just the thing to end the fools who victdimized you years ago! F.L.U.D.D. folks, the leading
B-b-b-b-b-b-but, there's more! Assuming some of you aren't sold and living right now, let me continue! F.L.U.D.D. has the ability to transform into four different nozzle types, including the normal one that I've only been talking about so far. The second of these is a Hover Nozzle, the new way to rain on pedestrians from above since the dumping of dung and the yellow from windows many years ago! For those of you who often have to escape, this nozzle doubles as a jetpack, allowing you to shoot yourself from rooftop to rooftop like some kind of secret agent! Santa Claus also uses this nozzle to land softly and quietly in chimneys to avoid getting found!
The third is a Rocket Nozzle, the existence of which has allowed F.L.U.D.D. to be the leading
Finally, the Turbo Nozzle, the fourth nozzle that also makes F.L.U.D.D. the leading
General News, Reporting for Duty
Christmas was ugly as Santa Claus was reported to have had the "stuffings" beaten out of him on Christmas Day. Our people on the scene have reported that this year, due to the masses of children misbehaving, the big man in red was obliged to leave coal under the trees in many of the world's houses. This did not please the many hair-pulling bullies that were children, and eventually they realized who had left them coal this year - Santa Claus.
Santa's reluctance to gifting these naughty yet plentiful characters quickly caused him problems even on the night before Christmas, as several restless children who stayed up for the presents to arrive quickly noticed their lack of presents and gift of coal. This enraged them and caused them to chuck the coal Santa supplied them with back at him. This knocked several of the Science-defying reindeer
According to sightseers, Santa and his reindeer crashed in a local park, right into a tree that knocked him unconscious and further injured/killed some of his reindeer. Only on the morning of Christmas Day did kids eventually find the stingy present-pinching man, who was quickly knocked out of the tree with a slingshot and mercilessly beaten, many using coal to try and break Santa's head open like a piñata or egg. By midday Santa was in a horrible state and an onlooker had the sense to call an ambulance, which took Santa Claus away after a tug and war match to pry him from the cruel kids who let their fists fly upon him.
Santa was further beaten by nurses once inside the ambulance due to their very sensible kids being outraged about the gift drought, and suffered a further beating upon his arrival at the hospital, and yet another one by some engineers who didn't appreciate him stealing their coal. Sick of being treated like an egg, Santa Claus fled from the hospital, and limped back to the tree the few live reindeer and battered sleigh lay. From there, he made his escape to unknown whereabouts, likely avoiding the torment of children as I speak.
At this point, it's safe to say no one will ever have their coal stolen again. The Easter Bunny has now become Santa's replacement, and often leaves chocolate eggs for those who have been naughty as consolation. He has been loved, cherished and adored since.
You know how Nintendo often makes moves no one can predict? Half the time they make sense, but the other half there is no possible way of making sense out of them. Anyway, our good friends at Nintendo have decided the best way to honor Luigi is to re-release the first game that featured him as the main character, Luigi's Mansion, but have decided to make a few minor changes, and with that we have what will be the hottest game this holiday, Mario's Mansion. So I will be bringing you the WORLD EXCLUSIVE live from the Nintendo of America HQ.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, what better way to honor Luigi than to portray him as the damsel in distress in what used to be his own game. I have managed to get my hands on a beta version of the game, and I have an EXCLUSIVE screenshot just for you to see. Information verified, of course, by our friends at Gamespot, as you can see from their logo at the bottom left.
The 'Shroom: Mr. Cubicle, it's a pleasure.
Mr. Cubicle: Nolan, please.
TS: Mr. Nolan, it's a pleasure. I am here to ask you a couple of things about your new(?) game, Mario's Mansion.
Nolan: Ah, Mario's Mansion, it will be the best sold game this holiday season, there's no question.
TS: Sounds great! How will it differ from the original Luigi's Mansion?
Nolan: How will it differ? Well, it's a brand new game! Everything is different!
TS: Uh… could you maybe give us an example?
Nolan: Absolutely. Instead of playing as Luigi, you play as Mario.
TS: Errrm, that doesn't sou--
Nolan: AND instead of rescuing Mario you rescue Luigi! A whole different game!
TS: OK, I see. So maybe this will come with some different game mechanics, maybe even a multiplayer mode?
Nolan: Ha, absolutely not, everything else is the same. But it's a new game! And of course that means it is priced as a new game!
TS: Alright, I guess. So any actual reason why people should buy this game?
Nolan: People want new Nintendo games, I think that reason is good enough.
TS: And that's the sad truth! Thank you so much, Mr. Nolan, anything you'd like to say to our readers?
Nolan: Wait, are you from the press?! I thought you were Harry from Marketing!
TS: Oh, I suppose I forgot to introduce myself. Whoops!
Nolan: Come back here, you fu--
It was a great interview. As you can see, Mario's Mansion will be the hottest game this winter, you need to get it even if you already have Luigi's Mansion and it's the same thing! Because why not!
Not sure what recipes won't destroy your intestines and disable your body on Christmas? To be frank, there's hardly many like that, I'd bet. I was sampling some on sale at the local supermarket, and they sent me packing with their very distinct effects. I tell you, it was not pretty.
If you wished you could have this, wish again. Unless you WANT Bonfire Night in your gut for some inane reason, you can give this to your worst enemy on Christmas Day or feed the garbage can a plate of it. This is a killing machine that does nothing to do its job. Folks, meet the Meteor Meal, one of the worst possible things you could eat this holiday season or just in general.
If your stomach survives the lethal design of the meal, it will surely not survive shooting stars flying about inside it. If it does you'll probably be ended from blood loss, so really eating this is a death sentence unless you're seriously durable. If you don't want to foolishly eat it or maliciously gift it to someone else, then you could chuck it into the air when it's dark to attack others with falling stars. Even then, though, you'll probably get side-winded by one and die that way. To put it straight, no matter when, where or how you use this thing, it'll kill you in the end. So don't make it at all and you'll
Tragedy befell a nation today as Bowser forgot to put holes in the bottle he kidnapped the Sprixie Princesses in and they all suffocated, it didn’t help that Bowser was also shaking the bottle. Bowser originally thought nothing was wrong as it was the Purple Sprixie Princess that first went purple-faced, and the Blue Sprixie Princess went blue-faced.
The Sprixies held a day of mourning where they did nothing, unfortunately this backfired as the kingdom was ransacked as the law officials did nothing through
Due to the suddenness of this event, the Sprixie Kingdom doesn’t have any leader, but if you fill out a handy application form you can become the leader of it. Becoming the leader of the Sprixie Kingdom gives you access to all of the Kingdom’s riches (once those thieves return them), unlimited Plessie use and most importantly you can get trapped in a bottle and kidnapped by a strange turtle who then becomes even stranger. The form is incredibly simple, all you need to do is fill out why you want to be leader and whether you’re Bowser. You don’t even have to put your name
Ask Paper Yoshi
Hi there!! I'm back from my... um... Annual Random Vacation Week at a Random Time That's Completely Unsuspicious
Do you remember how I said I got twelve questions in the previous issue? Well, this month, I got even more questions – a whopping twenty-five, to be exact – from four different users. Those are Gonzales Kart Inc. (talk) (Forum profile), Icemario11 (talk) (Forum profile), TVTrash (talk) (Forum profile) and Koopartol Brick Block (talk) (Forum profile).
Gonzales Kart was one of the users who sent me the most questions for this issue, with a total of nine. He asks:
Icemario11 was the other user who sent me nine questions since the last issue. He asks:
TVTrash (yay, a new face!) just barely made it to this issue by sending me three questions. He asks:
Last, but not least, the ever-present Koopartol Brick Block asks:
Well, I guess that's all for this issue! Paper Yoshi is in the ER (no, not that TV series) right now, but he should be good to answer more questions next month, so be sure to keep them coming by!
Oh, and we'll remind him to answer that Paper Mario question, Icemario, just in case his short-term memory gets fuzzy. Don't worry about that.