The 'Shroom:Issue 64/Fake News
EditorialMario Kart 64 theme, but nobody did that (you're not a bad person for not doing it, don't worry), so I'll just do that in here.
MCD makes ridiculous noises and pretends he's in a go-kart. I was actually going to write this out in more detail. Consider yourself lucky.
That wasn't a good idea. Anyway, in the staff changes department, McZaky29 (talk) now writes for Fake Sports, so congratulations to him! Additionally MST3K (talk) won't be able to write Ask '3K for a few issues, so, Henry Tucayo Clay (talk) and his Ask Tucayo section have returned until he can write again. I don't have much else to write here, so, without further ado, enjoy the section!
The princess was originally skeptical about the racetrack, saying it would ruin the natural beauty of her castle's gardens.
"I'm skeptical about this racetrack, it will ruin the natural beauty of my castle's gardens!" the Princess shouted to our reporter, over one of the unscalable hills that stopped her from leaving the castle. However, one of these hills was knocked down, and the Princess, being able to leave, was fine with the track. Royal Raceway will have everything the modern Mario Kart track should have: a jump; many tricky turns; a stand for the audience - heck, this is probably the most modern Mario Kart track ever. How can they top this? Two people in one kart? Gliding in the air? A giant cannon? Pfft.
Many racers have expressed interest in racing on this track: Kamek, Donkey Kong and Wario all want to race on this track. Donkey Kong Jr., however, believes the track is evil, and will not go within 62 centimetres of it. The crazed simian said "Ook ook! Ook ook! Oooook!" - that either meant the track was evil, or he wanted pudding.
Construction on the track finished last night, when the giant crown was placed on the audience stand. This was the second giant crown they had to use, as the other one was accidentally shot to a distant planet. So many Pokos lost...wait, I mean Coins. What are Pokos? Anyway, thanks for reading, and I'm sure we all hope to see some great races on this track!
Hey everybody, it's Pyro, and welcome to my only one-of-a-kind Travel Guide. I fell asleep for a week, and I sent in my section late. Why? Because I was staying at the wonderful
To get there, call a taxi service. It services Mushroom Kingdom, Tadpole Pond, Rose Town, Y'oster Isle, Booster Tower, Marrymore, Moleville, Seaside Town, and Bowser's Keep. Yes, I'm serious on the last one. Or take the easier way, which is up a beanstalk. Oh wait, that's the harder way.
One of the many attractions there is artist Garro's studio. He will layer you with gold so you can sell yourself and get rich - no that doesn't make logical sense. His art is still breath-taking, though. It's so breath-taking that I had an asthma attack. Oh dear.
The item shop sells many fluffy wears. The shop was being temporarily run by Prince Fluff when I got there, saying that the owner went to the springs. I bought some nice fuzzy pants. The inn is also quite comfortable, as they offer a Dream Cushion. I dreamt of MCD yelling at me for sending in my section late... oh wait that was reality. Dammit.
The Royal Bus station is your entrance and exit (but mostly exit) from Nimbus Land. The driver charges you fifty cents, which is pretty cheap - oh wait, I'm being told it was actually fifty DOLLARS, not cents. Ooopsies. The hot springs is also around here, situated right above Barrel Volcano. Only royalty can bathe in there, so I had to join Prince Mallow's party to get a taste of that. It was so good. Sadly I didn't steal a Dream Cushion and sleep over the hot springs for the night. That wouldn't work out though.
Last but not least, there's Nimbus Castle! King and Queen Nimbus reside here, among many other statues by Garro including the sensation A Plumber's Lament. It is so great. A sculpture of a fat plumber that saved Nimbus Land.
I touched it.
They kicked me out.
Well, this has been Pyro with Travel Guide. See you next time, where I provide images!
In the sports today, the age-old rivalry of Mario and Bowser continued in some hard-hitting hockey in the Mushroom Hockey finals. Mario ended up winning the game in overtime 4-3 to win the series 4-2. This was the first time Bowser had won two games in the finals. The goalie, Hammer Bro, was pulled in the final minute of the overtime period, allowing Mario a clear shot to win the game. This enraged Bowser, causing him to spit fire. The ice slowly melted and the rink was evacuated immediately. No one was harmed. A Noki from Mario’s team suffered from rib fractures due to a vicious body check from Bowser. The Noki was immediately hospitalized afterwards.
And that is all the latest in the sports. Goodbye for now!
Written by yeah let's get this over with I want to eat early today
Last week, the Ballsy Amigos Kickball Association was holding the first qualifying game of probably many more games for the great annual kickball tournament. Many people have been there to see it, but for those who couldn't afford a ticket or didn't want to be sprayed with greasy hot dog bits by the big-bellied messy eater on the seat behind them (in case you were unlucky enough to pick the seat in front of me, heh heh heh), we are going to cover the most important details.
This qualifying game took place in Chocolate Island stadium. Yes, they finally got another stadium, after the last one was eaten a few years ago. This time they wisened up and made it out of dark chocolate, which means it'll be completely safe from hungry fans. I mean, nobody would eat dark chocolate out of their own free will, right? Stuff's nasty!
"The only people who eat dark chocolate are health nuts, and we aren't really known for living healthy, right boys? Hah hah hah! It's normal that your chest hurts when you laugh, right?"
But anyway, enough of food, tasty as it might be. Playing in this exciting match were the Flower Fields Furious Flora, and the Riverside Rowdy Revenants. Both of these teams are relative newcomers who wished to prove themselves.
When asked for some strategy tibits, Flower Fields' coach went on record saying "We already have this victory in the bag. I've been experimenting with different fertilizers and my latest combination has turned our little plants into huge, hulking sport machines! Those smelly undeads can pack their stuff and leave!"
"We are not smelly!", protested Riverside's coach, shortly before being temporarily interrupted by his whole team fleeing into the changing room and taking showers in embarrassment. "We will show those pesky flowers that they are nothing more than stupid weeds!" He then took a bite out of a lettuce leaf and spat it out onto the floor. You could literally see that the air was filled with enthusiasm and competitive spirit. Maybe it was just the thick mist wafting over from the showers, though.
Then the actual game began. Riverside started right away with a brilliant offense. Their progress was greatly aided by the fact that their opponents were all plants and therefore firmly rooted to the ground. They should probably have factored this somewhat major handicap into their strategy.
Anyway, Riverside advanced further, and...
...then Flower Fields revealed their secret weapon in form of their goal keeper. And that was pretty much the gist of the game. With both teams unable to score any points, the game quickly descended into a farce. Most players just started sitting down and playing cards until the time ran out. Others did their own pointless thing.
"Pass it to me, I'm free!"
The game ended 0-0. It was so boring, I don't even care that I went to get some more hot dogs and missed half of it. Both teams were sent back home in shame.
In conclusion, all there is to say is that this was a huge waste of time and I hope my salary will be enough of a compensation. The hot dogs were good though. Really meaty, but not enough mustard. I would give them a four out of five.
And that's all for this month's sport report. About time it's over. Now where did I put my cheese squigglies?
In any case, with me today is a member of royalty. He is very hardheaded, which I suppose is primary because he is a big stone slab with a face! King Thwomp!
"This attitude is exactly what I am talking about! You think you are so superior with your brains, and your knowledge, and your concept of calming. I tell you what! We are your roads! You walk on us! You walk on us to your fancy libraries where you learn stuff, and then you go and brag about it and tell me how things work! But it is US who made this all possible in the first place! And, and, and you're not even thanking us for it! That is terrible! The way we are treated is terrible! And I am certainly glad that I'm finally getting the opportunity to throw that all in your faces!!"
"I just... I just want everyone to know that us rock-based beings have feelings too. Like, like we are your buildings, and when it rains we are there to keep you dry, and all we want is a little respect. Just a little. You can start by not hitting the road with your hammer every five feet, and, and if you're at home and want to put a nail into the wall, please just ask friendly before you do that. And it would be really nice if we got our own mailbox, and having our own separate car would also be greatly appreciat–"
Hi everybody! Here’s your hostess, Chivi-chivik! And this is Cooking Guide, where we teach you how to cook excellent dishes!!
They told me that I had to do something Nintendo 64-related, so I went, of course, to Tayce T.’s.
Me: (Happy) Hi!!
*Tayce T. Returns with the book.*
Me: ¿What could we cook?
Me: Here’s everything! It has taken its time...
Me: Here’s the coconut milk! Oh god, it’s so hard to break one of these!
Tayce T.: Done! Pick some of this dough and make an sphere. Put a stick and flatten it. Are you done?
_o-*¨*-o_The next day..._o-*¨*-o_
Me: I’m here!
Thanks for being here reading, until next Cooking Guide!!
The weather this month proves to be very extraordinary and potentially problematic. Expert Shine Scholars (you know, the guys who get paid for staring at the sun all day) have determined that there will be a solar flare occurring at some point over the next week. Said phenomenon will last several days from then on.
The public is celebrating this event with outbreaks of mass-hysteria and general idiocy, as always. Right after the news were announced, several newspapers (excluding this one of course, since we have way more class) have jumped on the panic wagon and declared this the end of the world as we know it. The sales for sunscreen and sunglasses have skyrocketed, and stores are struggling to keep up with the steadily increasing demand. As a result, a small black market has formed, selling cheap imitation sunglasses made from cardboard and black duct tape to the gullible masses.
In response to, or more likely to accentuate the insanity going on, an especially concerned citizen has issued a formal proposition to the government to "lock up all bald men with funny names". When questioned about the purpose of said proposition, she replied angrily: "Them blasted reverse cyclopses are gonna pay for giving us the evil eye!" We... have absolutely no idea what this means, and feel a little weirded out. On the way out, we bumped into a ruffled looking Dry Bones who explained he was "fleeing from the lightning bolts". Then he broke down on the street and started crying excessively. Despite all the commotion and pessimism going around, sunflower farmers and beach goers remain hopeful.
In any case, we from the 'Shroom would like to take on the noble quest of dispelling the paranoia of the general masses and separate the "truth" from the "truth that is not quite as marketable". We are going to accomplish this by going into what a Solar Flare actually is.
As our trusty source Wikipedia says it, a solar flare is "a sudden brightening observed over the Sun's surface or the solar limb, which is interpreted as a large energy release", as well as "The flare ejects clouds of electrons (...)" Note the usage of the term "electrons" here. For the unscientific readers among you, moving electrons are basically an electrical current. And what does that mean exactly? Correct. Magnets!
The sun is hurling space magnets at us!
Pictured above: a solar flare.
Now that we know what the threat is all about, we can work on taking precautions. There are the things you need to do that go without saying, such as putting little umbrellas over all of your tomato plants to protect them from falling magnets. However, there is some danger that might not be immediately obvious. Here are some of the things you should be wary of the most:
Beware the EMP. EMP stands for electromagnetic pulse. For the average person, these three little letters do not mean much, however, the mere mention of them will make any robotic life-form that hears them soil themselves...(?) In whichever way this is physically possible. So, if you are a robot, then whatever you do, don't stand around outside like a suicidal garbage can. The electromagnetic rays from the sun magnets will fry you and if you are unlucky, you will be shut down forever. Life equals false, you got that?
Just stay indoors, enter a radiation-proof closet or something, and bolt yourself to the ground if that is possible.
Don't carry any metal. I cannot stress this point enough. Too many people have been lost just because they refused to be sensible for as little as a week. And it is so easy to see the danger if you just stop and think about it for a minute. What is it that all magnets do? They attract metal. So, what is the logical consequence if you carry something made of metal around while the sun is turning into a huge magnet? Why yes, the sun will attract that metal. And it will drag you into the sky while you scream and cry and flail around like a useless little ragdoll that refused to listen to my words of warning. And then you will be hurled into the sun! Is that what you want? I doubt it.
So leave the metal out of your pockets if you don't want to get acquainted with Mr. Sun in the near future. Leave your keys at home. Just leave everything unlocked. People are too busy with freaking out to steal your stuff anyway.
Stop promoting global warming. This one requires some advanced science to fully understand, but I will try to explain the facts in simple terms. Every magnet has two poles: A south pole and a north pole. These poles determine how a magnet interacts with another magnet. For instance, opposite poles attract each other, while the same poles repulse each other. Understood everything so far? Good.
Now let us translate this to reality: The Mushroom World has a south pole and a north pole too, because it is essentially a huge magnet itself, even though it doesn't look like one. However, global warming is causing the north pole to melt. Soon, we will not have a north pole anymore. And the terrible consequence of that is that the balance will be upset when the sun turns into a super magnet during the solar flare. If our planet has only one pole, and the sun has two, then that means the sun will be stronger than the Mushroom World, because that is how magnets work. And as a result, when the stronger sun poles start repulsing the weaker earth pole, we will all be catapulted out of the solar system and drift through space, forever alone.
"Get yer useless bum outta ma house, yer darn no-good whippersnapper!"
That is terrifying. I am beginning to see why all those other newspapers are making this out to be such an apocalyptic event. I am going to retreat for now and cry myself to sleep. We strongly encourage you to do the same.
In any case, be careful out there, and don't do anything silly. Or at least not without telling us about it.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, princesses and plumbers, for I am TravixMan, Chief of the Mushroom Police Force, and Boy, I say, have we got stories tonight! I have one story that is so huge, it'll blow your pants off. Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a look back into the Nintendo 64 era!
Super Mario 64: The Story that changed everything...
One day, Princess Peach was making a letter to Mario, telling him to come to her castle so that he can have cake. She was just walking out the door to go to the mailbox and send it, when suddenly, a black hole appeared. Princess Peach was shocked, and was wondering why a black hole would appear until the cause of it grabbed her. It was indeed Bowser, the King of the Koopas. He had taken the Power Stars prior to his kidnapping of Peach, and gave each one to his minions, and hid some in the castle. He even held on to some for himself, and hid them in his three worlds. He then took her inside his black hole to his world. Unfortunately for him, Princess Peach dropped the letter, which flew to a pipe nearby. Emerging from the pipe came a plumber wearing red and blue. Yes, it was Mario, hero of the Mushroom Kingdom. When Mario entered the castle, he was told to scram by an unknown voice. Mario then looked around the castle only on the main floor. All of the doors in the castle was locked, except for two wooden doors which led to the basement, and one which had a painting of Bob-Omb Battlefield. Mario went to the room, but noticed that the painting wasn't an ordinary painting, and new, strange, and unknown worlds were in each painting of the castle. Mario went in, and his adventure began.
When Mario had gotten past all of Bowser's henchmen, he had gotten 119 Power Stars back. Then Mario had entered Bowser's final world: Bowser In The Sky. Mario had to be very careful here, as Bowser had more tricks up his scales. Mario found all 8 red coins, and collected his very last Power Star. Mario then entered the pipe at the end, which he was met by Bowser. Maario had to grab Bowser by the tail and swing him to hit spiked balls three times, but Bowser didn't make it easy for him. When Mario finally hit him the third time, Bowser was finished. Bowser didn't have enough Power Stars left to help him, so he fled after that. However, Bowser didn't flee very far, as he went to the castle drawbridge, where he passed out. Princess Peach then congratulated Mario on his victory, and she, Mario, and two Toads went inside to get some cake. After that, Yoshi contacted HQ, and we arrived at the scene, Bowser still knocked out. His sentence: 2-4 years in Prison.
Well, there's your story for this evening. I hope you all have a wonderful night, and remember: If a Koopa King comes to your house, just grab him just grab him by the tail, and swing him to a wall. Or was it a spiked ball? Either way, it would hurt. See you all next month, on the Mushroom Kingdom Fake Police Blotter.
HI, curious readers! I'm your returning-counselor, Tucayo! I am a counselor, right? Or something. Where is 3K, you may ask. Well, your beloved G-Mod will take a break for this section, and I didn't want to leave you without someone to answer your questions, so here you have me. If you want me to answer your question, please send it via PM. You can ask anything about any subject you want. Just no relationship advice, I'm not the guy for that.
Let's get this started! This month's first two questions come from none other than your potentially-dangerous Fake News Director, MrConcreteDonkey!
How does it feel to be doing Ask Tucayo again?
What's your favourite Nintendo 64 game?
The winner is...Paper Mario! Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask came in second and third place (not respectively). Why Paper Mario? It's the game that got me into RPG's, it was the first game I finished with %100 completion, and I enjoyed every moment of it. The sidequests were fun, the characters likable and the worlds fantastic. Hmm.. I would have described OoT and MM the same way...
Next question comes from LN1!
How would you make Dimentio appear in a Smash Bros. Game(including but not limited to background character of some stage, trophy and/or sticker)?
What's your favorite TV Show?