The 'Shroom:Issue 191/Fake News
Hello there, Fake News readers! I'm Waluigi Time, and I'll be your guide for today's Fake News Direct! Let's see our first batch of Fake News headlines.
Need some advice? We have a new section, written by yours truly! Dear Waluigi Time starts this month, with the best advice you can get from a cereal magnate. If you want my opinion, I think you should check it out. I'll be accepting questions from members of the community, so if you have a question you'd like answered, contact me on the forums or my talk page!
A royal flush! Have you ever wondered what happens when the more peculiar characters of the Mario franchise get involved in kingdom politics? Parshoe G. Shoelow has you covered with a guest edition of News Flush, featuring art by TPG (talk)!
What did you think? Next, take a look at this.
Mushroom Tribune is on the move! Inspired by the latest batch of marketing for The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Mustard Machine (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) have written a news story about Mario Bros. Plumbing. Mushroom Tribune has appropriately been renamed to Brooklyn Digest for this issue. It's still here, don't worry!
Thank you for staying with us so far! This will be our last announcement of the Direct.
Are you interested in writing for Fake News? We're always eager to have more writers join our team! Our sign up page has all the details you'll need to get started on your application. We also accept volunteer submissions for sections like Cooking Guide, Hot Records, and more, with no application necessary! Just send it to me privately and I'll take care of the rest.
Also, if you're interested in submitting for Issue 200 later this year, we're accepting early submissions for that right now! The instructions for that are also on the sign up page linked above, and for more information, you can read Meta Knight's Open Call. Whether you're a current or former writer, or have never written at all, this is your chance to join us in celebrating this milestone!
That's all for today's Fake News Direct. Thank you for reading!
Section of the Month
The results are in! In first place once again is Quizmelon (talk) with the first TV Tomorrow of the year! He may have broken all his New Year's resolutions, but he's still resolute in bringing us a good section. In second place is the yearly championship match of Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, and in a close third, Mustard Machine (talk) and Hooded Pitohui's (talk) latest Mushroom Tribune about the closure of World-e. Although, now that Super Mario Advance 4 is coming back on Switch Online, I have to wonder what the implications there are... Anyway, thanks for voting, and be sure to keep supporting our writers!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|1st||TV Tomorrow||20||35.71%||Quizmelon (talk)|
|2nd||Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown||15||26.79%||Waluigi Time (talk)|
|3rd||Mushroom Tribune||13||23.21%||Mustard Machine (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)|
Booster Sworn In Amongst Controversy
It was a spirited scene in the Mushroom Parliament following weeks of intense debate and discussion. The Toad Minister finally ruled on the eligibility of Lord Booster of House Shroomtagenet's petition to use the power of Lord's Right to assume a seat in Parliament. Long considered an eccentric, with his opponents claiming this so-called eccentricity was really madness plain and simple, many in parliament argued against allowing Booster to claim a seat in parliament. Opponents say that not only does his use of Lord's Right break with the established norms governing the practice, but that Booster's madness makes him unfit to sit in a legislature. However, after weeks of spirited debate, the Toad Minister, the arbitrator of rules disputes within the Mushroom Parliament, disagreed, ruling that Lord Booster was entitled to his seat and that he should be sworn in immediately. In his ruling, he said the following.
I have read the petitions of many throughout this kingdom who believe that Booster's health should serve to disqualify him from serving in this body. I have also heard from many in this body that Booster's use of Lord's Right should be denied, for he has presented no pressing issue that should justify his taking of his land's only seat in parliament, and that to allow him to take the seat would effectively allow him to silence the many voters living within his domain. I want every member of this body to know that I listened well to these arguments, and, while I must express some misgivings on Lord Booster's use of Lord's Right, the law is clear. Lord Booster, seventh of his name of House Shroomtagenet, Lord of Booster Tower, Surveyor of Booster Hill, and His Majesty's Loyal Protector of Booster Pass by Law, as one of the regional lords granted the Lord's Right, has every right to assume this seat for as long as he chooses. Therefore, the chair, while again expressing misgivings and wishing to remind Lord Booster of both his duties and his responsibility to his constituents, rules in favor of Lord Booster's petition to assume the seat of his lands.
Shortly thereafter, Booster was sworn in as the Honorable Representative of Booster Pass. When this reporter asked his intentions now that he was in parliament, Booster declared that he was going to fight for the funding of beetles. When asked if he meant some sort of beetle conservation project or if he meant protecting land where beetles bred, he simply screamed "Beetles!" and shuffled away. While Booster has been seated, some in parliament, under the promise of anonymity, said that they would look at doing away with the ancient power that is Lord's Right. Lord's Right, for those of you unaware, is a law that essentially allows any of the eight regional lords (the lords of the seven lands and Booster) to remove a member of parliament that represents their lands and replace that member with themselves. A lord who uses this may sit on any committee they wish, bills that they propose are guaranteed a floor vote, and they do not have to run for reelection. Rather, they stay in office until they have served their purpose. When they leave, they are allowed to appoint anyone they wish to the office, and their appointed individual serves out the remainder of the term. While in the past the practice was much abused, in modern times the practice has been used by lords to give themselves a better seat at parliamentary negotiating tables when parliament discusses issues that directly affect them. The last time it was used was ten years ago, when Sultan Pasbah of Desert Land replaced the most junior representative from Desert Land with himself during a negotiation over a natural resources compensation bill. Once the negotiations were over, Sultan Pasbah simply resigned and reappointed the member he had replaced. Over the last 100 years, there have been only five cases of the Lord's Right being used. None of these cases lasted more than a year and all of them saw the person who the lord replaced being returned to their position.
Lord Booster, on the other hand, appears poised to break that tradition. With no pressing matter to address and claiming the seat originally because "it sounded fun", it looks like Booster will be representing Booster Pass in parliament for a long time. This has caused outrage throughout the kingdom, especially in Toad Town, where parliament sits. There is outrage that not only is Booster essentially ending federal democracy in Booster Pass, but also that he doesn't appear to be taking this seriously enough. There's concern within the halls of parliament that Booster will be a nuisance, forcing vote after vote on nonsense bills and resolutions, wasting time that could otherwise be used on more pressing matters. One member of parliament, Boun T., Honorable Representative of Grass Land, commented:
The seating of Booster is a disgrace. His claim of Lord's Right is a perversion of his rights. The Lord's Right is meant to allow regional lords a greater say in matters that directly affect them and their lands. It's not meant for mad lords who want to play government on a whim. It is especially heinous because, unlike the other lands whose lords maintain the Lord's Right, the people of Booster Pass elect but one representative, a position which Booster stole away from his constituents. Every citizen of Booster Pass should feel outraged that their sole voice in parliament has been hijacked by this immature manchild of a lord who thinks it'll be fun to play a game of legislature. They should feel outraged that one man has all but removed their most sacred right to choose their representative. I plan on petitioning the many Honorable Representatives of Parliament to consider looking into ways to either restrict the Lord's Right or to strip it away entirely.
However, while there may be outrage and anger throughout the capital, allies of Booster and even neutral observers have noted that, within the lands of Booster Pass, there seems to be great support for Booster serving in parliament. Many have noted that, while the Shroomtagenet family has long been considered a nuisance throughout the kingdom (with many noting the time Booster accidentally kidnapped Princess Peach), within the lands of the pass, the Shroomtagenet family has long been popular among the Snifits that make up 70% of the pass' population. While Booster's eccentric ideas, such as releasing thousands of beetles onto Booster Hill for a "beetle catching festival" or building a full-length model railroad that travels the entire length of Booster Pass, would probably cause local populations to scorn any other lord, these acts have only served to strengthen Booster's popularity within his territory, with one Snifit gleefully telling this reporter that Booster always made sure the trains ran on time. Many have noted that, even after his announcement that he was assuming a seat in parliament by taking the seat of the pass' representative, the mere mention of Booster would still result in Snifits breaking out in cheers, while the mere sight of him causes the Snifits to erupt into wild cheers and applause. Among his most passionate supporters is the man he's replacing, long time Booster Pass representative, the Honorable Reginald Snifflefold, who in his last speech in parliament, broke down into tears because of how happy he was that Booster was assuming his "rightful seat". Because of this popularity, even some of Booster's harshest critics have conceded that, if Booster wanted the seat, he could have easily gotten it even if he hadn't assumed it through the Lord's Right.
So far, it remains to be seen what the ramifications are of Booster's tenure in parliament. As it stands right now, while there is frustration over how he has taken the seat, Booster has in fact been sworn in as the Honorable Representative for Booster Pass. We here at The 'Shroom will keep you updated as this story develops.
A shot of Mushroom City was shown with bright lights illuminating it as a Hammer Brother with a bushy brown beard wearing a brown cowboy hat and black sunglasses jumped into frame. “Hey there, sports fans! It's Hammer Brother Williams, Jr. here! And I wanna know: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!” The bearded Hammer Brother shouted in excitement as we find ourselves moving quickly through the Mushroom City Stadium before zooming in on the commentator room where our commentators, Pa-Patch and ClawgripFan9001 were calling the big game from while wearing a pair of headsets.
“Oi, it be great to see ya scallywags tunin' ta what could prob'ly be the biggest sports event o' the year! I be Pa-Patch, resident representative o' Keelhaul Key, an' next ta me be sittin' the main star o' this show, ClawgripFan9001!” Pa-Patch spoke as he introduced the main star of the show.
“Yar, thank ye, Pa-Patch! Ahoy, lasses an' gents, an' welcome ta the fifty-seventh Annual Shroom Bowl! An' fer ya Italians out there, that be LVII! It's gonna be a heckuva matchup t'day as the Clam City Cheep Cheeps be takin' on the Flipside Eelions! Let's check in with our reporter who's right on the sidelines fer this game, Patrick Pineapple!” ClawgripFan9001 explained as we find ourselves moving down to the sidelines of the playing field where the pineapple news reporter, Patrick Pineapple was waiting for us.
“Thank you very much, ClawgripFan. As you mentioned, I'm currently on the sidelines of the playing field, and we're only moments away from the kickoff. Everyone's at the edge of their seats in anticipation for the big game to begin, and it would probably take King Grambi himself to break that tension.” Patrick Pineapple spoke.
“Yar, that be promisin' news, Patrick! Do keep us updated on everythin' goin' on down there, ye hear?” ClawgripFan9001 asked Patrick.
“You got it, ClawgripFan. I'll keep you posted on the game from start 'til finish, so I'll see you again once the-” Patrick was cut off as he suddenly found himself being launched into the air by a group of Chargin' Chucks, since both the Clam City Cheep Cheeps and the Flipside Eelions had Chargin' Chucks playing for their teams.
“Oi, the game be on, an' it looks like our poor reporter Patrick Pineapple be findin' 'imself victim o' the players representin' Clam City an' Flipside, since neither cities 'ad suitable species that could play fer them, which is why they be employin' Chargin' Chucks ta play on their behalf!” Pa-Patch explained as Patrick was tussled around by the players, who mistook him for the game's ball.
“Gentlemen, gentlemen! Please don't be so rough with me! I'm not the ball you're supposed to be playing the game with!” Patrick tried to plead to the players, but they didn't listen, and the Eelions player holding Patrick ended up getting tackled by a Cheep Cheeps player, causing the Eelions player to let go of Patrick as he rolled onto the field and groaned in pain.
“Yar, that 'ad ta hurt! Let's see that again with the slow-mo replay!” ClawgripFan9001 called as we were shown a replay of the moment of the kickoff, where Patrick Pineapple was launched into the air by a Cheep Cheeps player. “That's definitely gonna be leavin' a mark on our poor reporter in the comin' weeks after the game!” ClawgripFan9001 added after seeing the replay.
“Meanwhile, it be 3rd an' 15 fer the Eelions, an' they be determined ta pull any punches they can ta carry home the win fer the city they be playin' fer! But the Cheep Cheeps are just as determined ta carry home the win themselves, which means both teams'll 'ave ta come up with somethin' big if they wanna gain the upper 'and in the fight!” Pa-Patch narrated as the players continued to rough Patrick Pineapple around.
“Gentlemen, please put me down! I already told you that I'm not the ball you're supposed to be playing with! I have a wife and kids at home watching this, and they probably don't want to see me get put into the Mushroom City Hospital because of you!” Patrick Pineapple once again pleaded, but just like before, the pleas fell on deaf ears as the Eelions player tried to play Patrick, but were promptly intercepted by the Cheep Cheeps.
“Yar, our reporter 'as been intercepted, an' what's this? Touchdown!” ClawgripFan9001 narrated as the Cheep Cheeps got to the end zone and slammed Patrick Pineapple down there as the crowd let out thunderous cheers and applause as the big screen was displaying fireworks with the word “Touchdown!” displayed in big letters in front of the fireworks.
“Oi, I don't care where'er ye may be from, that touchdown 'ad ta hurt poor Patrick! An' I'm hearin' through ClawgripFan9001's manager that the Fake News team already be contactin' Mushroom City Hospital ta send Dr. Mario an' Nurse Toadstool ta pick up our reporter per ambulance an' get 'im treated after the game at once!” Pa-Patch remarked.
“An' as the celebration fer the game's first touchdown dies down, it now be 4th an' long fer the Eelions, an' they be goin' fer it! The Eelions be backin' the pass, an' it turned into a handoff!” ClawgripFan9001 narrated as the Eelions were tackled to the ground by some Cheep Cheeps and they promptly let go of Patrick Pineapple and he rolled onto the field once more.
“The Cheep Cheeps are very energized alluva sudden as they be makin' notoriously quick plays as they try to reach fer control o'er Patrick Pineapple, an' they be successful in doin' so! Still, I'd like ta know more 'bout 'ow the Cheep Cheeps were able ta muster the energy ta make those notoriously quick plays!” Pa-Patch remarked.
“Well, there be a very good explanation fer that, Pa-Patch, since it be lookin' like the Cheeps Cheeps 'ave been drinkin' Ultra Shroom Shakes, which be the official beverage o' Shroom Bowl Fifty-Seven! That be what I call a beverage, an' that be what I call a promotion o' the brand! Ultra Shroom Shakes – Ye ain't lit without it! Drink it up, an' work it out!” ClawgripFan9001 explained, promoting Ultra Shroom Shakes while he was at it.
“That be makin' a whole lot o' sense, ClawgripFan! In fact, thanks ta the Cheep Cheeps' consumption o' Ultra Shroom Shakes, the first half o' the game already be over an' done with!” Pa-Patch added as the score was shown to 31-24 for the Cheep Cheeps. “Now let's check out the star o' this year's half-time show; Please put yer hands together fer Rosalina!” Pa-Patch continued as we switch to the half-time show, where Rosalina was performing her hit song, Only Girl (In The Galaxy).
“Want you to make me feel
Like I'm the only girl in the galaxy
Like you only ever wanna be with me
Like I'm the only one your heart belongs to
Only girl in the galaxy...
Like I'm the only one who makes you feel light from your head to your toes
'Cause I'm the only one who knows
How to make you feel like you're without any woes... (Yeah)”
“Yar, that Rosalina be a very talented singer! It only make sense fer Shroom Bowl Fifty-Seven ta want 'er on their podium fer the half-time show! An' with the half-time show over an' done with, it be time fer the second half o' the game ta get on its way! I also be hearin' that our reporter Patrick Pineapple was unable ta be removed from the playin' field 'cause I be hearin' through the Shroom Bowl's marketin' team that the television ratings fer the Shroom Bowl are skyrocketin' due ta Patrick Pineapple bein' used as a ball, so the people runnin' the Shroom Bowl will allow the players ta continue usin' Patrick Pineapple as the ball fer the rest o' the game!” ClawgripFan9001 explained as the scene cut to Patrick Pineapple on the playing field.
Patrick Pineapple sighed as he knew what was about to come. “Remind me to never do news coverages of the Shroom Bowl again in the future, because this game is absolutely barbaric...” He grumbled before promptly being kicked across the field by a Cheep Cheeps player as the game resumed following the conclusion of the half-time show.
“Oi, hang in there, Patrick! Once the game's over, yer guaranteed ta get the best medical treatment that Mushroom City 'as ta offer! Dr. Mario an' Nurse Toadstool are already waitin' at the sidelines with their ambulance ta get ya outta 'ere as soon as the game's over!” Pa-Patch called over his headset, unsure if Patrick was able to hear him while he was being tussled around by the Chargin' Chucks.
Patrick Pineapple soon found himself laying underneath a bunch of Chargin' Chucks trying to fight for control of him once more. “I hope the game is over soon, because I don't know how much more of this my poor fruity body can take...” Patrick groaned before we are treated to a montage of Patrick being roughed around by the Chargin' Chucks while music played.
“Yar, we be findin' a flag on the field, which means that one o' the players 'as committed a foul, so let's check in with our referee, Lakitu as well as see the replay ta see what went wrong on the field!” ClawgripFan9001 called as the replay showed an Eelions player pelting a Cheep Cheeps player with baseballs until the Cheep Cheeps player fell backwards on the field, causing his helmet to fall off.
“Yep, that looks like foul balling to me. Ten-yard penalty!” The Shroom Bowl's referee, Lakitu declared, issuing a penalty that unfortunately for the Eelions, had to take place right at the end of the game. The Eelions soon began to huddle up as Patrick stood near them.
“Oi, this be bad news fer the Eelions. There only be seconds left on the game clock, so if the Eelions wanna win this thing, they be in needuva miracle finish! Let's check in ta see 'ow the Eelions are doin' on the field!” Pa-Patch stated as we find ourselves focusing on the Eelions down at the playing field.
“Alright, fellas. The enemy team has us down 85-83, so we gotta dig deep, y'hear me? If we wanna take home this win, we're gonna need to give it our all, and especially you, pineapple guy. If we lose this game because of you, you're gonna have to deal with a whole bunch of angry Eelions fans.” One of the Eelions' quarterbacks spoke to his teammates before warning Patrick Pineapple.
“I know very well what will happen if I mess this up, so I know what I have to do. But promise me one thing: If I don't survive this, tell my family I love them, and that my paternal responsibilities will be passed on to my brother Pecos.” Patrick replied back to the quarterback.
“Alright, the Eelions 'ave finished their huddle, an' now, this be the moment! With the championship title on the line, this be the snap!” ClawgripFan9001 spoke as the Eelions proceeded to play Patrick Pineapple sending him flying high through the air. “Patrick Pineapple be catchin' some serious air, an' what's this? He be landin' on the crossbar! Which way will 'e be fallin'?” ClawgripFan9001 asked before Patrick Pineapple landed on the right side of the crossbar, winning the game for the Eelions with a final score of 86-85. “He did it! He did it! The Eelions win the fifty-seventh Shroom Bowl!” ClawgripFan9001 shouted with excitement as the crowd cheered and fireworks popped.
“Oi, congratulations ta the Eelions fer winnin' the championship title, an' congratulations ta the Cheep Cheeps fer a game well played! Everythin' all be o'er now, except fer the cryin' from obviously disappointed Cheep Cheeps fans! The Eelions rush o'er ta Patrick Pineapple and carry 'im 'round the stadium fer a final parade b'fore Patrick Pineapple 'as ta be 'anded o'er ta Dr. Mario an' Nurse Toadstool, who place Patrick inside their ambulance an' rush 'im o'er ta Mushroom City Hospital fer treatment!” Pa-Patch spoke as he watched the events taking place down at the field.
“Well, that be all there is fer this month's sports news, mateys! I wanna thank y'all fer tunin' ta this special edition o' the Sport Report, an' I wanna thank Pa-Patch fer bein' my first mate on this journey through the rough waters that be the Annual Shroom Bowl! This noble skipper now be signin' off fer the month, an' I be seein' ye again next month, where I be goin' solo again! Take care fer now, mateys!” ClawgripFan9001 spoke as he parted with a wave.
This article sourced from the Brooklyn Digest, an independent trade magazine bringing you all the latest updates on trade and industry in Brooklyn.
Spike Sues Mario Bros. for Breach of Contract
"Foreman" Spike, owner and operator of well-known Brooklyn construction and remodeling company, the Wrecking Crew, has filed a lawsuit against Mario Mario and Luigi Mario for breach of contract. Spike claims that the Mario Brothers, subcontracted by the Wrecking Crew for plumbing work on projects throughout Brooklyn, failed to appear one day after months of gaining training and on-the-job experience, leaving multiple contracted jobs unfinished. The Mario Bros. went on, alleges Spike, to take their experience and form their own plumbing company, not only directly competing with the Wrecking Crew, but taking with them clients with whom Spike claims he spent years building relationships. Speaking to the Brooklyn Digest, Spike had this to say:
I taught those SUBPAR Mario Bros. everything they know, and they think they can just walk out on me like this, STEALING away my clients? When they started working under me and my crew, they could barely tell a pipe wrench from a basin wrench. I took those MARKED-UP-IO Brothers under my wing 'cause I felt pity for them and I spent months teaching them how to work a job, but I guess there ain't no loyalty from the two of 'em. They stole my time, left us taking all the complaints about unfinished jobs and jobs slipping behind schedule, and then I got clients calling me to cancel their jobs, telling me they got a pair of plumbers offerin' to do it faster! You listen good, Mario and Luigi! I had it with you! The hammer's coming down now, and the hammer's gonna hurt!
Some in Brooklyn will no doubt recognize Mario and Luigi from the new TV ad spot on local access stations airing in Brooklyn and Queens, featuring their new "Super Mario Bros. Plumbing" company. The Brooklyn Digest is able to confirm that Super Mario Bros. Plumbing was incorporated in early January 2023, shortly after, according to Spike, the Mario Bros. failed to show and failed to complete their jobs for the Wrecking Crew in November of 2022.
Attempts to reach out to Mario and Luigi for comment were unsuccessful. To date, the Brooklyn Digest has only received automated text messages and e-mails from the contact information listed for the Mario Brothers. For more commentary on this developing story, we turn to Joe "The Shoe" Ricci, local foreman of a masonry and bricklaying crew and "Hooded" Stephen Chase, a former support specialist under Mayor Pauline's Consumer Advocacy Office.
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Dear Waluigi Time
Dear Waluigi Time,
My nephew has a birthday coming up soon. He's about to turn eight, and he's already a big Switch player (albeit, for only a short time each day, right now). He has and adores Super Mario Odyssey and Super Mario Maker 2. What game would you recommend I get him for his birthday?
Well, it sounds to me like your nephew is into platformers right now. You should get him the best platformer game that exists! Unfortunately, it doesn't actually exist yet, so listen up, okay? This is important.
What you need to do is go online and print out a picture of the man himself, Miyamoto. Make sure that the size of his face is roughly about the size of your own. Next, take some scissors and cut out his face, and poke some eyeholes so that you can wear it as a mask. Now what you want to do is fly to Japan and visit Nintendo's headquarters, and get them started on the development of a brand new Waluigi game for the Switch, using your credentials as THE Shigeru Miyamoto (real), of course. With the natural cycles of game development, your nephew's birthday is probably going to be long past by the time it's done, but don't worry, we're about to fix that part. Once the game is ready to ship, get a time machine and take one copy of the game back to the present day. Your nephew now has the only copy in the world of the greatest game that will exist for the next couple of years! Bam! Am I a genius, or what?
If, for some reason, this doesn't seem viable to you, consider picking up a copy of Super Mario 3D World + Bowser's Fury, or maybe Kirby and the Forgotten Land. That'll work too, I suppose.
I look forward to seeing the results!
Dear Waluigi Time,
Do you deal with a lot of crazy things? Like curses? How do you remove a curse?! I've tried EVERYTHING!!
You're in luck, cursed things are my specialty! Oh wait, you mean that kind of curse... Well, I'll see what I can do!
It depends on the kind of curse you've got. Maybe you got it by taking an item you weren't supposed to! If that's the case, obviously you have to ditch it. Try returning it back to the place where you found it, and hope that you didn't trigger anything that makes that place actively try to kill you on your last visit. If that's too much work, there's plenty of other ways to get rid of it. Throw it in a ditch somewhere, or pawn it off in an office gift exchange with a co-worker you really don't like!
Or maybe it was someone, not something, who laid that curse on you. If so, track them down and politely ask if they'd consider lifting the curse. Bring along something nice as an apology and/or bribe. If they refuse, then you have the option of challenging them to a duel! But if you'd rather not get your hands dirty, ask them if they'd at least consider swapping your current curse out for a different one. Variety is the spice of life, after all!
If all else fails, just convince yourself that you're not cursed! Say to yourself over and over, "I'm not cursed", and eventually, you just won't be! If you need some extra help with this, you can try hiring the services of a hypnotist.
Best of luck in all your un-cursing endeavors!
Dear Waluigi Time,
I'm too busy being rich, cool, and winning whatever I set out to do, but it's sooooooooo boring. I need a new fad that's not stupid to blow my billions of dollars on, any suggestions?
Making large donations to Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. is all the rage these days, trust me!
Okay, okay, even though that's a really good idea, writing checks probably isn't your idea of "fun". I know it's not mine.
So this one's a bit old, I have to admit, but there's always room to jazz it up. Have you ever considered collecting things? I'm not talking like "oh I buy trading cards and action figures", that's actual child's play, anyone can do that. Go big or go home, and the weirder, the better! Just imagine the pasta-bilities of owning the world's largest collection of spaghetti-themed memorabilia! That's the kind of thing that gets you in world record books and a whole lot of press coverage! You can even open a museum and charge people to come see all of the weird stuff you've accumulated. And I'm just using spaghetti as an off-the-wall example, of course. Maybe you'd prefer the world's largest collection of, oh, I don't know... Waluigi Time Cereal merch! If you order in bulk I can arrange for you to have a 5% discount!
But maybe being a collector is too old school for you. That's fine, I respect that. You want the newest, hottest, non-stupidest fads? Start one yourself! Rich people are trendsetters, after all. This has a lot of advantages, since you have the guarantee that it's brand new, you'll always be remembered as the person who started it, and best of all, you get to control what it is! (Of course if it never catches on or people outright hate it this might backfire a little but let's ignore that.) Here's a suggestion to get you started: You know the board game Monopoly, right? Well what if, instead of all those old boring gambling games, you got some friends together and played Monopoly with real money! And hey, you're rich, you could probably even build a life-sized board to play on. Then you can film it and put it on the internet! (I wanted to do this but Shbig says it's not in the budget...)
Hopefully that helps in some way, shape, or form!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Welcome everyone, to the greatest thing you've ever seen!!! Well, actually, it's just another Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown match. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I need legal protection so you can't sue me if you've seen something better. Look, I've been doing this for two years, coming up with a new intro every time is hard.
Regardless of whether this is the greatest thing you've ever seen, this should be a good match! Both of our fighters today are in hot demand, which is why I've doubled the ticket prices. Wahaha!
Okay, okay, I won't keep you waiting. Give a big hand to Mr. Video Game himself, the one and only Great Gonzales, MARIO!!!
|"He looks weird."|
Wh- what do you mean he looks weird? It's Mario!!
|"There's no way that's Mario."|
How long has it been since you've gone to the optometrist?
|"Uh, I dunno."|
Well, go schedule an appointment while I get back to commentating. Anyway, it's Mario, the man needs no introduction, even though I already introduced him. He jumps around and says wahoo, and all that other good stuff, if I kept going on about this you'd tell me to shut up. So I'm just going to stop talking about him. It's Mario!
I did promise both of our fighters were big ones though, and maybe you're wondering who can rival Mario himself? Well, this next fighter is one hot potato, we've got the Monk of Funk, the Surfing Simian, FUNKY KONG!
He's bodacious, he's radical, he's all those other words the kids aren't saying nowadays! But hey, maybe he's even poggers too, who knows. That may be the worst thing I've ever spoken into this microphone, I'm sorry. Anyway, Funky Kong! He's basically a funkier version of Donkey Kong, with all the beef you'd expect. He's put extra time into mastering some of the classic Kong moves like the roll attack to give them some extra punch, or maybe he's just gifted. He can do a lot of neat tricks with his surfboard too, like pull off a double jump, stay in the air longer, and safely jump on spiked foes and terrain! Also, I don't think this is going to be relevant at all, but he has basically infinite lung capacity! Must be all that Banana Juice, or something.
Predictions, let's see... Well, I think Mario's track record has established that he at least has the potential to beat just about anyone around in combat. Except Grunt, maybe. Long live the champ! Of course, it wouldn't be the first time Mario and a Kong went toe-to-toe, so... Who knows! But I've made an important New Year's resolution this year to not leave you guys hanging with wishy-washy noncommittal predictions, which is why I've brought this coin!
It's heads, which means Mario's going to win. Don't question me, it's science!
Funky Kong leaps toward Mario with his surfboard, ready to jump on his head! Mario sees the incoming Kong though, and reaches into his toolbag, pulling out his trusty plumber's wrench! With a well-skilled whack, he sends the ape off-course, causing him to collide with the ground instead! Poor Funky tumbles off and rolls across the ring floor, but he's not too shaken up and quickly gets back on his feet! Funky picks up his surfboard and charges toward Mario, who's still ready to go with his wrench! Funky swings his surfboard, Mario swings his wrench, and... What is this, a swordfight? They're both trying to clobber each other but blocking their foe's strikes with their own weapon! Mario is the first one to slip, but- wait a minute, it's a trick play! He uses the opportunity to knock Funky's surfboard out of his hands with the wrench! Mario swings the wrench again to hit Funky with it, but the cool Kong ducks down and knocks Mario off his feet with a roll attack! Wow!
The plumber may be down, but he's not out! That might not last long, though. Funky's swinging his arm, getting ready to unleash a powerful punch! Mario gets back up again, but it's just in time for Funky to fling his fist forward! Hang on a second, it doesn't hit him!! Mario manages to hurl into the air at the last second with an impressive jump, and comes crashing down on the ape's head! Ouch! That's gotta hurt, and uh, is it just me, or do Mario's boots look heavier than usual? And... Thwompier? Eh, probably nothing important. Funky spins around to face his opponent, but that's a bad move, as it gives the plumber the perfect opportunity to finally hit him in the face with that wrench! Funky stumbles backwards, but he looks like he still has a little fight left in him! It's still anyone's game, one well-timed attack from Funky could be the end of the match.
With Mario on the offensive, Funky heads over to retrieve his surfboard. It never hurts to have some defensive capabilities, after all. Just don't lose it again, Funky! Mario's not just idling around though, as he's pulled out a Bob-omb! A weird looking Bob-omb, but a Bob-omb nonetheless! That's a match-ending move right there if it hits! Mario winds up the Bob-omb to light the fuse and tosses it at Funky! He gets ready to hit it back with his surfboard, but it detonates the Bob-omb instead!! I don't think a surfboard shield's going to protect him from that! The smoke clears, and the charred Kong collapses onto the ground. Not a tubular outcome for him, but Mario wins! How about a wahoo, Mario? No? Well, okay...
See? I'd expect nothing less from the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom. Going on all of those adventures makes you good at fighting, I'll tell you that. If you have someone you'd like to see get in the ring next month, let us know, and we just might be able to make that happen! We'll be back for another match next month, and I'll see you then!
Does anyone else feel like TV Tomorrow articles have been getting longer recently? The early ones were short, sharp, and to the point; but now it takes forever to write just one. Someone ought to do something about that; after all, I’m quite busy this month denigrating February, so would love the spare time. Anyway, here’s this month’s top three Mushroom Kingdom shows.
Wastes of Space
There’s a lot of bold, new, experimental comedy on the Mushroom Kingdom TV schedules these days, which is fantastic, but sometimes you need a bit of respite. Enter the long-running Wastes of Space, now in its eighth season following the adventures of a hilarious ensemble cast stuck in the depths of space. The style is traditional, and the humour rarely highbrow, but the jokes come thick and fast - a perfect comedy comfort watch with an endlessly wacky sci-fi parody twist.
Last year, the Expresso Tower skyscraper in New Donk City was controversially demolished. Now, having spent six years filming the discussions, distractions, and the demolition itself, a team of local New Donker documentarians have put together Project Demolition to tell the story of Builder Mario’s undying commitment to his project of ultimate destruction, the crew that supported him, and the numerous obstacles along the way. For a documentary about construction projects and municipal brouhaha, it’s a surprisingly compelling narrative, and the dramatic explosive moment of total demolition is a must-watch.
New: The Artistic Genius Show with Jean-Pierre Coloured Pencils the 12th
Genre: Art show
Following repeated complaints that there wasn’t enough arts programming on MKBC, the higher-ups have commissioned the visionary yet pretentious master artist Jean-Pierre Coloured Pencils the 12th to host a sort of artistically-minded variety show, featuring all kinds of segments: art history, guest artists, technique tutorials, and several long pretentious diatribes from Jean-Pierre about the true nature of artistic genius. Thoughtful programming for some, an ironic watch for others, it’s entertaining all round. (Though the show’s name is a bit long. I wonder if that’s why TV Tomorrow articles have been getting longer recently?)
Well, that’s it for this month; and for the sake of brevity and the desire to move on from February I’ll wrap it up quickly. See you in March for a perhaps slightly more substantial edition of TV Tomorrow!
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