The 'Shroom:Issue 109/Fake News
Welcome to the Fake News! I'm MCD, and I'm glad to announce that we have FOUR new guys! SpearGuy729 (talk) will now be writing the Travel Guide, The Pyro Guy (talk) will now be writing the Cooking Guide, Freakworld (talk) will be writing The Clogged Pipe and YKMR3000 (talk) will now be writing Game Corner. Congrats to the four of you!
Obituaries is absent this month out of respect due to Walkazo's passing.
Section of the Month
PRINCESS PERCH KIDNAPPED!
In a catastrophic mix-up, the Koopa Kingdom were "embarrassed" when they realised they had accidentally kidnapped Princess Perch of the Block Kingdom instead of Princess Peach.
Bowser, in a statement this morning, admitted his gaffe. "Perch, Peach... it was going to happen eventually, y'know? We should've looked into preventing this sooner." Kamek, who was standing behind him, appeared to be stifling laughter. "Ha ha ha". That's what laughter sounds like, in case you've never heard it before. I haven't.
Bario, the hero of the Block Kingdom, saw the humour in the situation. "That's hilarious. Mistakes happen, right?"
Princess Peach was less than impressed, however. "I'd packed all my bags and everything, and then I get a call saying I'm not even getting kidnapped today. Not cool." Toadsworth stood by the princess and shook his head firmly. "We do not appreciate timewasters. If you're going to kidnap our princess, you do it properly."
Princess Perch was even less impressed. "Aaaaaaaa!" That's what screaming sounds like, in case you've never heard it before. I have.
It is currently unknown whether Bowser is planning on returning Princess Perch. "I don't know, it's pretty expensive to ship a Princess these days. And I'm not selling my soul to FedEx. Again."
Upon being asked whether he would consider saving Princess Perch, local hero Mario was unsure. "I don't know. I've got some...uhh...you know, carpenting, to, uh, catch up with... Oh yeah, plumbing, I mean, uh, that's what I meant. Look, I'm doing some right now!" He then picked up a wrench, looked at it confusedly and threw it at a sink.
Mario's brother Luigi sighed. "I know how this is going to end. Mario refuses to save the princess, I save the day, nobody cares because it stops being newsworthy. The media is run by absolute NICE PEOPLE these days."
Salutations, 'Shroom Readers!
As you may have noticed, there is a certain sub-team inside this newspaper that keeps on posting a lot of statistics on their page. Today, I've come to inform you that these are all LIES! Furthermore, you will now get a glimpse of what was once confiscated: 100% unfiltered news about what is really going on in this community. Exclusively for readers of this truly informative sub-team, mind you!
Also, this shocking new poll just got leaked!
Poochy Devotion (Anonymous, April 19th, 2016)
And even the Awards Announcements have been stripped of valuable information!
A reliable source has informed this newspaper that the Awards Committee has in fact not managed to get together a full meeting yet, despite what the meeting logs may tell you! Appearently it has become a ritual in the so-called "AC Meetings", to use Advanced Technology to generate fake logs, and they supposedly also keep spamming "First Meeting Hype!" while they're enjoying their tax-funded free time!
Truly deliberate, this evilness!
Our Source has also sent this picture of a recent awards meeting:
Finally the truth has been unveiled! Turn back in next month for more unexpectedly unexpected revelations about the true nature of the Super Mario Wiki!
Hello, everyone! I'm SpearGuy729, and I've recently joined Fake News to write Travel Guide! However, I haven't really been able to get out much lately, so... I guess I'll just write about my home: Yoshi's Island!
Well, I see a Yoshi over there. Why don't we go talk to him?
So I looked it up on my phone. And sure enough, for Issue LXIII, Pyro had been here. I read the section, and quickly realized:
Well that was a jaw-dropper.
Riiiiight. So, now let's do this interview. Of the Yoshi's Island from Yoshi's Island. The place from the game. NOT the one in the other game. First question: What hotels around here do you recommend?
Well, now my interviewee's gone. So, uh, from this point forward, I guess I'll have to write this myself. UGH. So, like we were discussing, Yoshi's Island is a different place in every game, as well as every other location ever. At least, that's what I've heard... So here, we're going to be talking about the one from the Yoshi's Island series. As that Yoshi said, the Ba-Dum BUM Hotel has excellent service and great food. Of course, by Yoshi standards, all food is grea-
*Yoshi used Lick! It was very effective!*
That concludes this month's Travel Guide! I hope you enjoyed it, because I'm going to be writing it for however many months to come and I'll spear you if you dislike it. So long!
"What, what do you mean I'm fired?!"
Just one sentence in and it seems there's already an argument. Specifically, one between MCD and NEXandGBX about the latter's job in the Monthly Inquision.
"I mean you're fired."
"Well first of all, you've been missing a lot of issues."
"It's not that easy finding people to interview. It takes time!"
"I can trust you on that, but the other reason is that there was literally a death in the show."
"How is that a big deal? There's literally a section on deaths above us!"
MCD and Nex look up at the celing.
"...I don't get it."
"You know what I mean."
Mere moments later, Nex can be seen walking out of the building. "Can't he just take a fourth wall break?" he mumbles to himself. "Well, I guess to keep up my steady pay I'm going to need to find a new job."
Nex goes to look up at the local job board.
- King Bowser Koopa"
"Huh..." Nex says. "Wonder why they never removed this." Curious, Nex goes to take the job anyway. The problem: He doesn't know the directions to Bowser's Castle.
Conviniently, there was a Koopa Troopa walking around the area. Naturally, Nex asked for directions. The Koopa agreed to help, and the two went on a long walk to the castle.
Through habit and wanting to get to know the job better, he asks the Koopa Troopa some questions about how life is in Bowser's army.
"So, what's your role in Bowser's army?" Nex asks.
"Castle guard." The Koopa Troopa answers.
"How high of an honor is that?"
"Not at all."
"Well then... what is a high honor?"
"Mostly just the more Bowser-like members. Y'know, Koopalings and whatnot."
"Do you know any other high ranking Koopas aside from Bowser himself, Bowser Jr., the Koopalings, all of those ones?"
"I'm a pretty good friend of Hookbill's. I do have to admit the way he acts sometimes is questionable..."
"Alright, moving on. How do you react to your shells being kicked?"
"Our shells being what?"
"Wait, you don't know what Mario does after he stomps you?"
"He goes and grabs a pizza or something?"
"Delicious, but no. He kicks them into other troops of the army."
"Well that's terrible! Pretty crafty though."
"Actually, I do have an idea... you know how Mario sometimes surfs on those things, right?"
"Not at all!"
"Well, uh... I was thinking you guys could try that as a method of combat!"
"And how would that harm him?"
"Dude, all you even have to do is walk into him and you harm him. I don't think getting run over by a shell would go over well."
"Wow, I never knew that!"
"...how did he not know that?" Nex thought to himself. He just shrugs it off and asks "So uh, what do you do while you aren't on guard duty?"
"I am never off duty. I was protecting Bowser before you showed up!"
"Near the job board?"
The two come to a complete halt.
"...you don't actually work for Bowser, do you?"
"No!" The Koopa Troopa runs away sobbing.
Nex just kinda stares awkwardly and then looks back forward to see that he had actually made it to Bowser's Castle. He walks up on the castle bridge and goes near the doorbell. Why the castle has a doorbell, I have no idea.
"Well, this is the spot." Nex says to himself. He pushes the button and waits for a response.
and it takes about a month for anyone to answer Kappa
To be continued...
New Super Mario Brothers NX Review!
Hello, fellow 'Shroomies™ and welcome to the first(-ish) ever edition of Game Corner! Today I will be reviewing the upcoming title for the new Nintendo NX: New Super Mario Brothers NX! This game is not set to come out until 2017, but I was able to get my hands on a review copy because Reggie and I go way back. I knew him before his body was ready.
I also received a mysterious package with no return address on it containing a Nintendo NX, and after snacking on a few of the packing peanuts, I was able to play the game. But I couldn’t help but notice the similarities between the game disk and NSMBU’s disk. It looked like someone just took one and scribbled all over it.
There’s not really that much to say, actually. The controls and style are exactly the same as the last game. Apparently, Luigi is twice as depressed and Mario three times more of an Italian stereotype, but that’s about it. There aren’t that many new power-ups either. There’s the new “Winged Mario Except He’s a Furry for Some Reason” Suit, which functions about the same as the Flying Squirrel suit from NSMBU. There’s also the “Star Shaped Hallucinogenic Drug” power-up, which makes Mario run around like a maniac while flashing different colors. I’m surprised this game only got an E rating, but I guess ESRB doesn’t read the instruction manual any more often than the customers do.
The level design is also similar to NSMBU. I mean the levels are literally the exact same without variation. Well if it ain’t broke…
Here’s the link to this game’s story: NSMBNX Story
I’m actually very surprised at the lack of improvement over the last game in the series. The graphics aren’t necessarily bad, but I was expecting more from a system that calls itself the “NX.” At this point I’m not even sure if this is even a new game. It’s like déjà vu, when you feel like you’re experiencing the same thing over and over again. It’s like déjà vu, when you feel like you’re experiencing the same thing over and over again. I called Nintendo this morning and they hung up on me because it was 2am, but then I called again at 8:00, and I asked them if there was some mistake. They sent a man over to my house to see what was going on. I showed him the game. We played two player. I wanted to be Mario but he called dibs so I had to be Luigi. We played a couple of levels, but then I got mad at him because he kept throwing me into the pit. Then we had a nerf gun war. We made forts out of couch cushions. Then my mom made us a snack. Did I mention I’m nine?
I don’t know if it’s the similarities with NSMBU or what, but I don't really think I'll want to not play this game again. It just the same thing we’ve already seen with the other games. It’s like déjà vu, when you feel like you’re experiencing the same thing over and over again. As soon as I was finished with this game, I went and prayed to my Miyamoto shrine to see if he could give me some advice on how to make the most of this bad situation, and he said something in Japanese, and I had to pray to my Google Translate shrine to figure it out. I own a shrine for everything. I even own a shrine for you. I even own a shrine for my shrines. I may have a problem.
Now I know what you’re thinking,
but I also know you’re wondering why I gave this game a ten out of ten. Well, remember when I said I got that mysterious package with the NX? It turns out that it came bundled with the game and I didn’t notice because, you know, packing peanuts. So when I asked for the game, they thought I was trying to cheat them out of $60, which isn’t that bad of a guess, considering my…”reputation.” So they just dug up one of their old Wii U games from their Atari Landfill time chair and gave it to me. Yeah, I'm fooled very easily. By the way, can’t wait for that new live-action Mario movie! Really stoked about that! Then I asked Miyamoto if he could forgive me, he said “確かに,” and I am currently excavating my garbage can for the box with the game. So, until I find it, I can’t review it. Ten out of ten…for now… #Foreshadowing #MaybeNot #IHaven'tDecidedYet #IDon'tKnowHowHashtagsWork