The 'Shroom:Issue 189/Fake News
Hello there, Fake News readers! It's December, it's the holidays, it's karts! But don't get your go-kart tangled up in Christmas lights, that does not end well. A few of our sections are taking time off this month, but we've still got fun stuff for you to read, including another edition of News Flush! Not Fun Stuff, though. That's another team. (Have I already made this joke? I feel like I've already made this joke.)
I do have an announcement regarding one of our sections - more specifically, one of my sections! Following this issue, Consumer Corner will be going on a hiatus for a few months. I'm doing a bit of recombobulation of my lineup of sections going into the new year, and unfortunately, I've decided that it's about time to wrap that one up. It'll return a little later next year for one final section. I have some other ideas cooking, though! You'll just have to wait and see what those are.
I'd also like to give a shoutout to the fantastic BBQ Turtle (talk) for the special banner you see up there! It would look pretty good on a racetrack, don't you think? Now I just need the funding to actually build one... She made one for all six of the sub-teams, so if you needed an excuse to check out the other ones, there it is! (But why aren't you already reading those?)
By the way, are you participating in our Scavenger Hunt? If you aren't, you should be! There's some gifts hidden right here in Fake News! I know where they are, but I'm not telling! I'll give you a hint though, they're hidden in our sections. That's all the help you're getting from me.
This is the point in the announcements where I usually tell you to sign up, so we might as well keep a good thing going. If you're interested in joining our team of Fake News writers (or writing for The 'Shroom at all), check out our sign up page! All the information you need to get started is right there. Alternatively, if you don't want to commit to a full section, we also have sections like News Flush or Police Blotter open to write for on a volunteer basis with no application necessary! Just send it to me privately and I'll help you get everything sorted out. I hope to see some new sections from you really soon!
Section of the Month
We had an insane level of engagement with SOTM last month, with a grand total of 67 votes! I wouldn't be surprised if that's a record, but I don't know for sure. In first place is Quizmelon (talk), continuing his winning streak with TV Tomorrow! Of course, that does put him firmly in Spiny Shell territory... You may want to go find a Super Horn at your earliest convenience, Quizmelon. As for the sections that aren't in danger of going up in a blast of blue just yet, Consumer Corner took second place with a very salty new product, and Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown came in third with a matchup of Smithy taking on the allegedly immovable Chakron. Thanks for reading, and remember to keep voting and supporting our writers!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH
|Waluigi Time (talk)
|Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
|Waluigi Time (talk)
Fishy Demonstrators Make A Splash At F-Seafloor:
A much-anticipated F-Seafloor race between arch-nemeses Blooper Arrow and The Draqen was cancelled recently, after access to the event was blocked by protesters. In yet another instance of the world of marine biology making headlines, which is almost to be expected at this point, the demonstrators arrived to call attention to biological reclassifications of fish that have been described as "a tangled mess". The dissatisfaction is nothing new, as controversy over these moves began years ago, even before they were officially adopted by the scientific community. However, that dissatisfaction has never culminated in shutting down a popular event such as the F-Seafloor races.
According to the protesters, blocking entrance to the race was an attempt to get the public's attention on an issue they may not otherwise hear about. The demonstrators, carrying signs with statements such as "LET BASS BE BASS", have demanded that Big Cheep Cheep, Boss Bass, Bubba, and Cheep Chomp, be reclassified as unique species of Cheep Cheeps, undoing several reclassifications over the past few years. (Currently, Boss Basses are classified as Big Cheep Cheeps, and Bubbas are classified as Cheep Chomps.) Exacerbating the issue is sightings of supposed "Cheep Chomps" that have displayed physical characteristics more in line with the traditional Boss Bass. The protesters hope that by reverting these changes, the world of fish will be "significantly less confusing".
For their part, F-Seafloor officials have said that they plan to increase security around their stadiums in the future to ensure that this will not happen again. Those who purchased tickets to the Blooper Arrow vs. The Draqen race will still be able to redeem their tickets once the race is rescheduled, or they can opt for a full refund. There are also allegedly discussions among F-Seafloor officials about pursuing a lawsuit against these protesters.
The 'Shroom will continue to keep you updated on these events, and most likely, we will be talking about fish again in the near future. This has been Walter G. Timeson reporting, and I am now out of time.
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Controversial Rabbids Citizenship Proposal Sparks Discussion
In a rare public split with the Toadstool family, the Mushroom Chancellor, answering questions from reporters at his weekly Friday afternoon luncheon with members of the press, refused to firmly state his support for Princess Peach's proposal to grant Rabbids full Mushroom Kingdom citizenship. When directly asked if he supports the Princess' controversial proposal to grant Rabbids citizenship and if he would introduce a bill to that effect in the two week timeframe the Princess has allegedly advocated for, the Mushroom Chancellor had only this to say:
Certainly the proposal put forward by Her Majesty is one to be considered. I am discussing the matter privately with the Toadstool family and placing great emphasis on their input, and, likewise, I am offering the advice that I see as being in the kingdom's best interests. There is no decided timeframe on this matter. We will move cautiously, remembering that the great Toads of our kingdom are a skittish race, unfamiliar with chaos and mischief. As nationals within our kingdom, Rabbids are already afforded many rights and privileges as subjects of the royal Toadstool family, and as a result, there is little urgency in discussing this matter.
The Mushroom Chancellor's office has not responded to further questions on the matter, but his words have become a part of the widespread discussions that potential Rabbid citizenship have sparked around the Mushroom Kingdom.
After joining with Rabbids, as well as Mario and Luigi, on two adventures now, and hosting Rabbids within the kingdom for well over a year, Princess Peach recently announced her intention to upgrade the status of Rabbids from Mushroom Kingdom nationals to full citizens. This change in status would expand the legal rights and protections granted to Rabbids, make it easier for them to travel between regions of the kingdom, and, most importantly, supporters argue, make it impossible for authorities to require the Rabbids leave the kingdom to return to their own time and space. Supporters contend that the Rabbids have proven a boon to the Mushroom Kingdom, defending it in times of crisis twice now, with Rabbid Peach even becoming a social media superstar.
While some say the move would benefit the Mushroom Kingdom and is the most compassionate option, critics urge caution, arguing that the status quo offers sufficient protections, that Rabbids have not integrated into the Mushroom Kingdom's culture properly and are too mischievous to do so, and that, while it is true that some Rabbids have helped to save the kingdom, Rabbids bear responsibility for causing the very crises that threatened the kingdom in those instances.
To gain more perspectives on this issue, we turn to longtime reporters, Meyer Shoe and Ben Hoodlee.
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Welcome to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where the contestants wrestle... WITH CARS! That's right, it's time for the first and possibly only ever Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown Demolition Derby! We'll see how much money this ends up bringing in before we make a judgment on that second one. The rules are simple! Fight each other until one vehicle is no longer operational, or just knock out the other driver if that's more your style. It's a bit of a change, but if you think that demolition derbies aren't just cars wrestling, and that this is out of our scope as a result, the mountain goat in the complaints department is looking for more material to work with, so by all means, send it in.
Alright, our first driver! Or drivers, rather. I was very... persuaded by the arguments from their supporters, so here they are! So don't say I never did anything for you. Ahem, it's none other than the Dog and Cat Duo, the Taskmasters of the Taxi Cab, DRIBBLE & SPITZ!
Driving their Dribble Taxi, personalized by Dr. Crygor himself, these cabbies will take you anywhere you want to go from Diamond City - they'll even fly into outer space to get you there! That's one way to get out of traffic jams, I suppose. It's got all the features of your normal everyday taxi cab, if you consider a giant robot octopus that spits lasers normal. Hey, it can get rough out there in space! As if the Octoblazooka isn't enough firepower, Spitz has his own personal handheld bazooka as well. I'd say these guys could probably hold their own in a postapocalyptic dystopian setting.
Our other contestant of the day is the Prince of the Koopas himself, the Tiny Turtle Terror, BOWSER JR.!
Look at him, riding around in that Clown Car just like his dad! Whether he's leading the troops on the front lines, battling Mario, kart racing, punching people in the face, or playing sports, this custom piece of machinery serves Bowser Jr.'s needs in just about any situation! You have to appreciate versatility. I looked at the schematics for the Junior Clown Car, and it was kind of confusing so I just gave it to our mechanic Spanner, who just told me that it "does a lot of stuff". He also wondered how I got my hands on classified Koopa Troop documents.
I probably shouldn't have mentioned that.
The point is, it's armed to the teeth, or at least it would be if it had any teeth.
Anyway! For reasons that I probably shouldn't explain because I'm sure I've already gotten myself in enough hot water already, I'm going to back Dribble & Spitz as my prediction for the match. Something something bazookas. Okay, let's get into it!
Both contestants start things off very aggressively! Bowser Jr. tosses a Bob-omb at the Dribble Taxi, but Spitz fires back with his bazooka, blasting it to bits in the air! The Dribble Taxi starts driving towards Bowser Jr., probably in a "I am bigger than you so I will just flatten you" sort of way, but they haven't accounted for the Junior Clown Car being able to fly, so Jr. just gets some vertical distance on them and that tactic is now useless! With the aerial advantage, Bowser Jr. begins dropping Mechakoopas on them! The Mechakoopas explode on contact, already dealing quite a bit of damage to the Dribble Taxi's body! I would not want to be those two right now.
In an attempt to get Bowser Jr. down from the air, Dribble and Spitz have now activated the Octoblazooka! It's spitting out lasers and Jr. is retaliating by firing cannonballs from the Clown Car's mouth! We've got both sides going on the offensive and the defensive at the same time here, each firing projectiles of their own but skillfully avoiding their opponents'! It's pretty impressive, really. Ooh, not that one though! A direct hit from the Octoblazooka sends the Junior Clown Car back down to the ground! Avoiding a devastating crash, however, Jr. activates the wheels! Nice save, nice save.
The Dribble Taxi drives straight towards the Junior Clown Car again, but this time they're both doing it at the same time!! This... actually probably isn't that good for Jr. for reasons I've already mentioned! Wait a minute, Jr. has released a claw from the Clown Car and grabbed onto it, and he is now pounding it with two sets of boxing glove fists! Oh man!! That's a lot of smoke coming out of the Dribble Taxi's engine! Spitz pulls out his bazooka again, but Jr. grabs a Koopa shell and hurls it through the windshield right at him while the Clown Car keeps pummeling! Glass shards fly everywhere! Aaaand- wow, okay! The taxi's engine just exploded, basically. I'm not expecting it to go anywhere without some serious repairs, so that's a win for Jr.!
Well, that was an exciting one! Thanks for tuning into the match. As a reminder to our audience, next month we'll be hosting our annual Ultimate Smackdown Championships to crown an ultimate champion! Wait, that was kind of redundant... Eh, whatever. See you guys then, if I don't get in serious trouble with anyone between now and then.
Chuck, if you could walk me to my car that would be just fantastic, thanks.
It’s wintertime, and normally I’d have for you a range of festive seasonal programming, full of merriment and cheer. Unfortunately the cold winter was having none of that; my satellite dish has frozen over, and Mushroom Kingdom TV hasn’t gone digital yet. I thought I’d been completely cut off, but the good news is it turns out my car can receive television broadcasts from the Mushroom Kingdom for some reason. The bad news is this means I have to watch all my TV in my car. The other bad news is that my car is a car, so it only carries Mario Kart TV, the 24-hour Mario Kart channel. So my Christmas TV suggestions might be a bit more Mario Kart-infused than usual. Ah well, there’s still good stuff to watch. Here are December’s top three shows (on MKTV)!
Demon of Drift
Mario Kart TV, 9pm (and many other times)
The hard-hitting drama Demon of Drift is the only Mario Kart TV series to ever win an award for fictional programming. As a result the channel’s controllers are absolutely obsessed with it and put episodes wherever they don’t have something else to fill the time, even though the show ended some time ago. I’ve only been sitting in my car for a week and I’ve already seen all 82 episodes. Nonetheless, it is quite a compelling show, charting the rise and fall of antiheroic kart-racer Bowser as he juggles playing into his ‘villain’ persona within the sport with his inner emotions and desire to be loved. The emotional moments are poignantly written and beautifully acted. And there’s loads of kart-racing scenes too, if that’s what you’re really after.
Wheels in the Arena: A History of Karting Battles
Mario Kart TV, 8pm
Battles are an oft-overlooked aspect of Mario Kart by the mainstream sports media, perhaps due to their more grungy, aggressive connotations compared to the more family-friendly nature of normal races. But this well-researched documentary aims to change that, offering a deep, thoughtful overview of the history of Battle Mode, from its roots in the four-colour Battle Courses of the 1990s to the extravagant multi-mode scene of the modern day. Embellished with high-profile interviews with well-known battlers, and filled with copious amounts of statistics and trivia that only a true Mario Kart nerd would know, this is both an authoritative guide to the battling scene and a genuinely interesting story of a subculture.
150cc Christmas Karting Tourney: Live at Merry Mountain
Mario Kart TV, all afternoon starting at 1pm
Genre: Mario Kart
It’s the karting off-season for the serious competitions in December, but there’s still plenty of driving action to enjoy thanks to the regular and popular 150cc Christmas Karting Tourney, a no-stakes charity cup through four wintry courses that nonetheless attracts the biggest names and the competitive action just like the other races. The Tourney ends tomorrow with the race at the relatively new Merry Mountain course, with Luigi poised for victory but Rosalina also looking extremely strong. The race is also being covered on MKBC Sports, but only on Mario Kart TV do you get three hours of pre-race discussion and five hours of post-race discussion, so head there if you’re a die-hard karting obsessive, or if you’re only able to watch TV in your car this month.
There it is, the true spirit of Christmas; speeding karts, screeching drifts, Spiny Shells blowing up leads in merry explosions of festive blue. No better way to experience the season than by watching all that on a tiny screen in your car parked in a snowed-in driveway, a car whose door locks I am only just realising have frozen shut. Ah well, the seventeen days I have spent cooped up in here with only MKTV for company have fully convinced me that Christmas and Mario Kart are one and the same. And also that I need to clean the inside of my car. Until the warmth of January comes to rescue me, have a very karting Christmas, and a driving New Year! See you then!
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
It's going to be a great, productive day in Sherbet Land... Or at least it would be, if it weren't for this infernal traffic jam! Penguins, Mr. Blizzards, and all other manner of creatures you'd expect in a snowy land like this remain locked frozen in traffic which hasn't budged for at least five hours. Our focus today, however, lands on one particular penguin, who has found himself in the unfortunate situation of being late for work. "Oh man, my boss is going to kill me if I'm late again..."
Suddenly, a voice rings out from above! "DID SOMEONE SAY... Um, you know what, I should really just get a new catchphrase." The penguin looks up to see our good old friend, the cereal magnate Waluigi Time on a snowmobile perched atop a cliff. He leaps down onto the road and lands right next to the penguin's kart, prepared to once again shill for his latest product. "Have I got just the product for you! Brand new from the brilliant minds at Waluigi Time Cereal Inc., and by brilliant minds I mean me, it's Souper Speed Soup!" Waluigi Time says, pulling a container of soup out from under his hat. "...Do you even have the slightest idea what my problem is?" the penguin says, unamused at the cereal magnate's antics. "Of course!" Waluigi Time says, smiling. "This isn't just your ordinary soup, after all! It gives you... SOUPER SPEED! Made with Dash Peppers, Fire Pops, and Hot Shrooms, this delectable dish will make you so fast you'll end up all the way in next week without knowing what happened!"
The penguin is visibly skeptical and having none of this strange man trying to sell him soup in a traffic jam. "Sorry man, I'm not buying it." "Well... Did someone say CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT?" "What? No, I didn't-" Before the penguin can finish speaking, he's interrupted by the very loud arrival of the King Meteor! F-Zero star Super Arrow himself emerges from the cockpit! "Well, if it isn't Super Arrow!" Waluigi Time says excitedly. "That's right, it's me, F-Zero star Super Arrow! And I'm here to support my good friend Waluigi Lime-" "Time" "Waluigi Time and his new Souper Speed Soup! It's delicious, nutritious, and very useful!" Super Arrow's owl seems to agree.
"Wow! Well, I guess it's a good idea after all," declares the penguin. "Luckily, I've brought a wireless pocket microwave with me for emergencies like this one!" Waluigi Time says, pulling a tiny microwave out of his pocket that grows to normal size with the push of a button. Waluigi Time microwaves the container of soup, and... Done!*
* - It takes longer than this but we only have so much time in this commercial!
"Alright, let's see what we have here..." The penguin takes a sip of the soup, and... "GYAAAAAAAH!" The penguin flings from his kart and rockets out of sight, crashing through the cars in front of him and leaving penguin-shaped holes in all of them. "Now that's some serious speed!" Super Arrow comments. "You bet! I wonder what was causing that traffic jam, though..."
Some ways up the road, Waluigi Time and Super Arrow arrive to see that the traffic jam was caused by a snow sculpture of a snowman driving a car. "I know just what to do here..." Waluigi Time says, grinning as he pulls another container of soup from his hat.
Souper Speed Soup, racing onto store shelves near you! Be fashionably early for every single event in your life!
"Wahaha! Eat this or else!
Seriously. Eat it. It's not a beverage, people."
|The 'Shroom: Issue 189
|Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • End-of-the-Year Awards • Director Election • The 'Shroom Holiday Scavenger
|Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing
|Thank You, Ninja Squid! • PC Election Proposal