The 'Shroom:Issue 161/Fake News
The MarioWiki is now fifteen years old! To celebrate, there has been various events in the community during the past few months which can be found here. The results of the various polls relating to the Mario franchise and the community from June are now public, being presented in creative and fun ways by various members of the community.
Perhaps in part due to the work put into the awards and the presentations, this is an extremely slow month for Fake News. A large amount of sections were not sent in on time, meaning only three sections, Obituaries, Monthly Inquisition, and TV Tomorrow, will be present this issue. I regardless hope that our readers will enjoy these sections.
As per usual, if you want to write for the 'Shroom, you can always check out the sign up page.
Section of the Month
Without News Flush as competition, Quizmelon (talk)'s TV Tomorrow won with 20 votes. Monthly Inquisition, written by Goombuigi (talk) again received second place with 16 votes, and Coffee, Yoshi876 (talk), and AwdryFan1997 got third, forth, and fifth place with 12, 9, and 8 votes respectively. Thanks to all our readers for voting, and, even if there's less choice on who to vote for this issue, please do vote again!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH
My word, those teeth! They are genuinely terrifying, this guy must've had terrible dental care, I can't imagine anyone wanting to get near him with pearly whites like those. Oh sorry, you appear to have caught me rambling ahead of this month's Obituary. So, let's delve into it, I regret to inform you that the turtle known as Tiptup has died. Most turtles can live to about 60 to 70 years, but sadly Tiptup did not make this age, instead dying at the age of 30ish.
And anyone wanting a more official figure than that might have to wait a while, considering the Mario series is incredibly sketchy on ages, and this is the best I have to go off of, considering he has *checks notes* 20 children! My word, he got busy! Anyway, looks like they all come from a different franchise, so I doubt I'll be able to get a quote out of them. Oh well.
Tiptup was most well-known for appearing in Diddy Kong Racing, and well that's pretty much it. He was a turtle who either drove a car, hovercraft or plane. The latter is most important here, as he died in an aerial accident when he accidentally flew into the lava on Hot Top Volcano. Why the people in this world keep building race tracks in areas with active volcanoes continues to amaze me.
Following Tiptup's death, many of the surviving racers from Diddy Kong Racing, like Drumstick, Bumper, Pipsy and Conker started a petition calling for all racetracks in future to pass safety regulations. They highlight have there are race courses not only in active volcanoes, but also in space, an active gold mine, many mountainous areas with boulders falling down and even a factory. The petition has so far attracted four signatures, zero if you exclude the petition's starters.
A memorial service will be held for Tiptup, given that the cremation has already taken place, and will be held next weekend. Attendees are reminded that Drumstick is a sentient chicken, and therefore no attempt should be made to cook him. However, should he one day die in Hot Top Volcano, people are advised to fish him out quickly for some tasty chicken drumsticks.
Hello, readers of the 'Shroom, and welcome back to another episode of Monthly Inquisition! Today, I'll be interviewing Waluigi, the one Italian dude from the Mushroom Kingdom that nobody seems to care about. Why is that so? Is there another side to his tragic story? Let's find out in today's interview!
Goombuigi: Welcome back to Monthly Inquisition! Today, the person with the honor of being our interviewee is none other than Waluigi. How are you, Waluigi?
Waluigi: I'm fine, I guess.
Goombuigi: OK. Let's start from the beginning: Do you remember anything from when you were a baby? We know about Mario, Luigi, and even Wario, what about you?
Waluigi: I don't remember much. I can't think of anything that happened before I was six.
Goombuigi: Nothing? No stork, or Bowser? Nothing about any other babies? No Wario?
Goombuigi: What was your first memory, then?
Waluigi: I'd rather not say.
Goombuigi: Come on! You didn't come here to not say anything!
Waluigi: It is a rather unpleasant memory.
Goombuigi: Well, it's best you get it off your chest then.
Waluigi: My first memory was me losing a match of tennis because I tripped and fell over. I was teased about it for days after that.
Goombuigi: … Oh. Out of curiosity, when did you start playing tennis?
Waluigi: I've been playing as long as I remember. Why do you ask?
Goombuigi: You're generally well known for tennis. What made you stick with it for so long?
Waluigi: I don't know. I just like tennis.
Goombuigi: I suppose it's something for you to escape life, huh? Anyway, what relationship do you have with Wario? Are you brothers? Cousins? Or just friends?
Waluigi: We're just friends.
Goombuigi: That begs the question, how is your name so similar to Wario's, and even Luigi's? We're your parents related? Do you have a common ancestor? Or is it just a simple coincidence?
Waluigi: I wouldn't know! I didn't name myself! You could just ask my parents about that! I have absolutely nothing to do with this at all!
Goombuigi: One, you do have something to do with it, since we're discussing your name. Second, locating and interviewing your parents would take way too long and probably wouldn't be worth my time, third, nobody knows or cares about them. However, I doubt that the names of Mario, Luigi, Wario, and Waluigi are a simple coincidence. Whatever it is, though, I'm sure you would know. Have you never asked your parents why you have such a … unusual name?
Waluigi: No. My name is fine, there's nothing wrong with it!
Goombuigi: Yes, but it's not like the chances of me meeting someone else named "Waluigi" is very likely.
Waluigi: Yeah, but I can't possibly know why I have that name, since I never asked!
Goombuigi: I would presume that it has something to do with the "star children" stuff.
Waluigi: "Star children" stuff? What are you talking about?
Goombuigi: The star children apparently possess an extraordinary amount of power. They are Mario, Luigi, Wario, Peach, Bowser, Donkey Kong, and Yoshi.
Waluigi: What about me? I'm not a star child?
Goombuigi: I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that there were only seven.
Waluigi: Nobody told me about this stuff! Why don't I get to get in on the fun? Maybe that is the reason I will never get in the spotlight - I was never destined to be in the first place!
Goombuigi: Don't worry, Waluigi, it'll be fine.
Waluigi: No, it won't! Nobody ever told me about this! Now I know why I'm worthless!
Goombuigi: Nobody told you about this? Not even Wario?
Waluigi: No! I thought I could trust him about anything, but he just runs off to get a videogame business to get some of his precious money, and he doesn't even invite me!
Goombuigi: Well then, when did you first meet Wario?
Waluigi: It was a long time ago … I was practicing tennis, and he came up and saw me, and he asked if I would want to play doubles with him. He said something about beating the Mario Bros., so I said OK, and we went to the tennis court. We were a marvelous duo, but that ego got to his head. All he wanted was money, money, money, and I just wanted someone to have fun with.
Goombuigi: But you're still hanging out with him, aren't you?
Waluigi: Yeah, but he's in a lot of things that I'm not! It's not fair!
Goombuigi: Speaking of, how do you feel about not being a fighter in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate?
Waluigi: It's horrible! Whoever made that game stinks! What does he think he's doing, making me an assist trophy? And as if that weren't enough, he made he defeatable, and showed that mechanic on me in that stupid trailer! The others laughed at me for a month after that!
Goombuigi: Well, do you think that you'll be a playable fighter in the next Super Smash Bros. game?
Waluigi: No. The guys there hate me! They'll never put me in! I'll be stuck as a loser forever!
Goombuigi: Nah, I'm sure you'll be added to Smash someday. Next question, how do you feel about not being added to Mario Kart 7?
Waluigi: Horrible! They added a Wiggler and a bee, but not me? See, nobody cares about me!
Goombuigi: Well, if nobody cares about you, then you wouldn't be in so many games. You're lucky that you can even be considered one of the "main" characters.
Waluigi: I suppose so … but I don't think anyone cares about me.
Goombuigi: A lot of people want you to be in Smash, including myself.
Waluigi: … Really?
Goombuigi: Yes. Next question! Why do you have such a big rivalry with Luigi? I know that Wario and Mario are rivals because Wario stole Mario's castle and it escalated from there, but what about you and Luigi?
Waluigi: Well, Luigi seems like the person who I once wanted to become. Popular, wanted, and in the spotlight.
Goombuigi: Are you kidding? Mario's the one in the spotlight. In comparison, Luigi has barely any games with his name on the title!
Waluigi: Yeah, but he's more famous than me and Wario. He even got his own year! That's just greedy!
Goombuigi: I suppose so, but all the same, I'm sure that he felt overshadowed by his brother.
Waluigi: Hah, I doubt it.
Goombuigi: Anyway, why are you so thin?
Waluigi: Is being thin wrong now?
Goombuigi: No, but you're abnormally thin. Is there any reason for that?
Waluigi: I'm on a diet.
Goombuigi: Well then, why are you on a diet?
Waluigi: Because that's how I live. I don't want to be overflowed with money.
Goombuigi: All the same, you could gain a bit of weight.
Waluigi: Do I ask you about your lifestyle? No! So don't ask me about mine!
Goombuigi: OK, fine. Next question, what's up with the pink nose?
Waluigi: Didn't I just tell you not to question my appearance?
Goombuigi:No, you told me not to ask about your lifestyle.
Waluigi: It's the SAME THING!
Goombuigi: No, it's not, but whatever.
Waluigi: No, not WHATEVER! That's what everyone says! "Oh, Waluigi's not in this game, he'll be in the next one." And then guess what? I'M NOT! I'VE BEEN PUSHED ASIDE, REDUCED TO A SPIN-OFF CHARACTER FOR OVER 20 YEARS, NEVER GIVEN A CHANCE TO SHINE, AND YOU SAY "WHATEVER"?!
Goombuigi: Waluigi, calm down. You're scaring the audience.
Waluigi: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE AUDIENCE! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME!
Part of the audience leaves, startled.
Goombuigi: Waluigi! Quiet down!
Waluigi (takes out a tennis racket): No! I won't! I've had enough of this!
Goombuigi swiftly takes Waluigi's racket and throws it away.
Goombuigi: Before you go and "get revenge" or whatever, I have one last question: Do you have any goals? Anything that you wish to achieve?
Waluigi: Uh … I've never … thought about that.
Goombuigi: You might want to think of something then. It might help with … whatever's going on with you right now.
Waluigi: I just want to be admired, to be talked about...
Goombuigi: If I were you, I would look around a bit. Maybe you'll find that life isn't as bad as you think. After all, I'm not famous at all, and do I complain? No! I just deal with who I am, and I advise that you do the same. Anyway, that concludes the interview. You can leave now, Waluigi.
Waluigi: OK. Bye, I guess. leaves
Goombuigi: So that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of today's episode. What do you think about Waluigi? Come back next time for another interview!
The month is August. As I write this very article, I find myself trapped in a poorly-decorated hotel room, unenriched by the benefits of Internet connection and - horror upon horrors! - not even a television to bring some delight into this miserable existence. However can I write on the subject of television without so much as access to even the channels that fail to pick up Mushroom Kingdom services? But we writers must battle adversity. And soforth I will endeavour to write this article for your enjoyment. One can never be deprived of the top three television shows of tomorrow.
New: The Rise of Wizpig
Genre: Dark fantasy drama
This brand new series stars not Mario but Diddy Kong as the hero; yet our titular character is a cruel and powerful villain, the mysterious beast Wizpig, whose unexpected growth in power threatens not only the kart racing community but also the very fate of the Earth. Diddy Kong and a cast of colourful personalities must race to halt the increasingly omnipotent Wizpig before he conquers all - and their harrowing journey begins tomorrow. Not based on a true story.
Mushroom Kingdom Fake Finders
Genre: Antiques show
Mario and Toad work together to host this art show all about finding rare art and determining whether or not it is fraudulent. In today’s episode, they are called to meet Kamek, a pseudo-magician who claims to possess five of the rarest and most expensive gems in the world - the Party Gems of Tenacity, Love, Spirit, Passion, and Courage. But are they just a convincingly sparkly illusion? The pair will have to turn to the professionals to find out if they are the genuine artefacts, just like every episode because neither of them are art experts themselves.
Sniffit or Whiffit? Seabed Edition
Genre: Game show
Remember Sniffit or Whiffit? The hit game show was a sensation of its generation, but after the production studio closed twenty years ago, it took Sniffit or Whiffit with it. After several failed attempts to revive it on little-known channels not worth discussing, Sniffit or Whiffit is finally back in full flow with the nautical-themed Seabed Edition, a modern twist on an old classic. Mario and Huey are the first contestants of the revival show.
The written word has prevailed, and therefore I have overcome not only my adversity but also my tendency to write my introductions like a despondent 19th-century novelist. Must just be a phase I’m going through. I have nothing further to add, and am mostly just filling space at the moment, so I’ll leave you with a relevant quote:
‘I’ll be back in September with another fresh batch of fictional programming.‘ - Quizmelon, August 2019
|The 'Shroom: Issue 161
|Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight
|Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing