The 'Shroom:Issue LXXV/Fake News
So, I'm not sure if you've noticed yet, but take a look around. The pink marshmallow who seems to be wearing my skin as a hat should give you some idea of what this month's Fake News' theme is - that's right, it's Kirby. And, because of that, we have a number of people who have
completely forgotten the theme created sections to go along with the theme. We've even got some special sections, courtesy of Gamefreak75 and myself. Before I get into some kind of detail, let's see who won last month's section of the month. Last month's winner was...Mr. Game & Watch (talk) (previously known as Goomba) with the Shop Scout, with 15 votes! Yoshi K (talk)'s Sport Report came a close second with 13 votes, and Pyro (talk)'s Travel Guide came third with 12 votes. Wait a minute, why does nobody vote for the Editorial? I work hard on this, y'know? And while I'm writing this I'm missing a few minutes or so of playing Animal Crossing: New Leaf. Look what you've done.
I'd expect this issue will gain a little more traffic than usual, so I'll go over how to apply for a job in the Fake News. First, you're going to need an account on the Super Mario Boards. Next, you'll need to send me a personal message. My name on the forum is currently DCI Gene Hunt, though I tend to change it fairly often. Even if I do change my display name, though, that link won't change, so if you're having trouble finding me, hopefully that makes things easier. In said personal message, you'll have to fill out this application form:
- Which position would you like to apply for?
- Writers have the choice to submit sections monthly, bi-monthly (every other month), or volunteer-based (one-time submission). Please select which section plan you would like to observe.
- The staff reserves the right to remove writers from their position if they engage in activities that reflect badly on The 'Shroom. These activities include extensive misbehavior on the Super Mario Wiki and/or its forums. Do you agree to not engage in such activities for the entire duration of your employment?
- Please write a full-length demo of your section. That way, we can have a bit of your work to decide if you can be on the team.
The staff will then evaluate your section and I'll hand down the verdict to you. This should take about a week, but, if it doesn't, please don't get impatient. If you made it, congratulations! If you didn't make it, some constructive criticism of your section will be sent to you (sometimes that even happens if you do make it), so, if you come back in a month or so and build upon that, you'll have a much better chance of getting hired. When sending in sections, you'll need to have good spelling and grammar, and write it using the syntax used on the Wiki.
So, anyway, that's that. Enjoy:
Hey, ladies and gents, and welcome to a very special edition of Travel Guide. I was told that this month's theme was Kirby, and you all know I once went to Mustard Mountain. So, I will be visiting Kirby locations. What's with the plural, you may ask? Well, in celebration of the 75th issue of the 'Shroom, I will be going to seventy five places!
Woo, that's a lot. But I assure you, I will visit seventy five painful Kirby locations in an attempt to swoon you into voting me for Section of the Month. Er, I mean, for your enjoyment. Random button on the Kirby wiki...go!!!!!
First up is the beautiful Splash Beach, in the...Yarn World or whatever you want to call it. Even though I've had an unsanitary relationship with yarn, I still dealt with the scorching rays of the sun. As if my house wasn't hot enough already. However, King Dedede was misinformed that I was trying to destroy the Kirby universe, so the first thing he did in attempt to clobbah me is that he made it rain crabs. They pinched me hard, so I ran off. I was barely there for an hour.
Next, I somehow got to the Mirror World and strolled through the Central Circle. Mirrors were randomly smashed all over the place that went to the levels. I never bothered to go in them, as then I would get sidetracked. I got bored quickly and moved on to the next location, as there were no eateries.
One plane flight later, I found myself in the True Arena. If you have played Kirby games, you know how well that ended up for me. I was defeated by Whispy Woods. I rushed away from that awful place, and I called on MCD's plane (note: I was...borrowing...it) and accidentally crashed the plane in front of Butter Building. I covered the plane in dirt and hurried inside to find wonderful eateries, such as one with popcorn with extreme amounts of butter. There was also some shop that sold pure butter, for some reason.
I rented a room at the very top of Butter Building. I mean seriously, the top. Of course, that night it poured ridiculously. I checked out of the building and rented a Warp Star, which I used to crash into Cocoa Cave. My time there wasn't very interesting, though. I spent the entire time listening to the awesome music coming out of nowhere, and eventually underground wind blew me down a pit. I fell and fell and fell and somehow wrapped around the world, which landed me smack on top of Mustard Mountain again. I barely bothered to check it out, as I already went through it in Issue LXXIII. However, I grabbed a snack at Waddle Dee's Wonderful I'm Getting Sick of this Alliterative Stuff Diner before leaving for Machine Mansion.
This abandoned factory was the most painful place I went to so far. Cogs constantly crushed me and Bomb Blocks literally came alive and homed in on me. Geeze, this is I Wanna Be the Guy all over again. After I was crushed by a gear for the umpteenth time, someone finally heard me screaming "OH WAFFLE" and promised to take me to the hospital. However, they were lying and dropped me off in Dino Jungle, where I was subsequently eaten by a pterodactyl.
A few days later, I assume the dino got a bad case of indigestion, and choked me back up. After exploring the area, finding furniture, and getting ice cream at Prehistoric Ice Cream Parlor, I hastily left the area.
Alright, eight places. I was already tired.
I trudged along the sand, hoping to find a warp star. Wait, sand? I found myself in Pyramid Sands. However, it needed more sand. Two cubic tons. Anyways, I got caught in quicksand a whole lot, which really got annoying after a while. I was also sucked up by a tornado and flung off to Kansas.
Sadly, there were no Warp Stars or pop culture references in Kansas, so I had to wait until another tornado came to warp me back to where I was supposed to be. I was whirled up, tossed into the air, and...
...I smashed into the ground. I was stuck in Kansas.
Please help me.
Chef Louie Cooks Up Some Controversy
Chef Louie is not your ordinary chef. His kitchen isn't just confined to the walls of a room. No, Chef Louie's kitchen…is the outdoors. With nothing more than several Pikmin assistants and his spaceship that holds endless supplies, Chef Louie travels around the world cooking many lifeforms and plants that people would have thought inedible.
“There's one think you've got to watch out for,” Louie replies. “Not all the animals want to be cooked into tasty meals and may fight back. That's when these guys come in,” he says while pointing at the dumbfounded Pikmin. “I mean, if these animals did not want to be cooked, they shouldn't have been made to be so damn tasty.”
Chef Louie is the winner of many coveted titles among chefs, including the I Did Not Know That Was Even Possible to Cook That award and the winner of the highly acclaimed Iron Culinary Expert award for two years in a row. He definitely isn't an amateur.
Chef Louie has come down to heavy controversy, however, for using the live animals on set rather than just going to the supermarket to buy them pre-packaged. Chef Louie promised in the next episode that he wouldn't use live animals, but in his own words he said, “I will not degrade myself by using pre-packaged rubbish. It's a disgrace to the world of cooking and those who do so should be ashamed. Besides, if it's fresh from the tree or ground, you know that's in been the right place.”
Tune in this Saturday at 10 P.M. on the Cooking Recipes and Production Channel for the second episode where Chef Louie wrangles a deadly Strollin Stu while trying to cook a tasty meal out of sludge and grass.
Hello, folks. It's your sun-loving Chief Alexneushoorn, back at you with a new edition of the Police Blotter. This time, I'm heading to a different Nintendo Universe to check the crime population. I've headed to Kirby's World, and I've seen some interesting things there. I wrote them down for you, so here you go.
1. King Dedede's Night Out
King Dedede, leader of the Waddle Dee Army, bought a Skoda Fabia Combi the other day, and went for a drive with it at night. 25 miles later, in the big city, he found a good pub to drink at. He left the car outside for 3 hours, went binge drinking and came back drunk. Afterwards, Dedede started the car and drove off, and a few minutes later, he was playing Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Gates to Infinity, which he also bought a few days ago. While playing, he speeded by my police car. I immediately went after him, as MCD told me to catch any speeding car drivers that passed by. After a huge chase, King Dedede crashed into a wall, and I was able to talk to him. However, the drunk penguin swore at me and continued playing on his handheld. I then knocked Dedede out with my nightstick and locked him up in a cell at my HQ. King Dedede will be staying in prison for a month for driving drunk.
2. Whispy Woods on Fire
Whispy Woods, recurring tree enemy in the Kirby series, was bugging Kirby once again. However, Kirby was done playing Mr. Nice Guy with Whispy Woods. Kirby took a jerrycan filled with gas, poured it over Whispy Woods and lighted him on fire. Whispy Woods burned to the ground, but the fire got out of control and started burning other trees that were standing in the forest Whispy Woods and Kirby were in. Kirby, being a bastard, ran away from the burning forest and was later arrested for starting a forest fire. Chef Kawasaki bailed him out, though.
Like they say at The Looney Tunes Show: That's all folks!
MCD: ALEXNEUSHOORN, YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD CATCH ME A WADDLE DEE, NOT KIRBY AND KING DEDEDE!
Me: But MCD, I caught criminals, and that's also good.
MCD: True, but I wanted a Waddle Dee to raise as my beloved pet.
Me: I'll go get you one then. *walks off*
MCD: Well, Alex walked off without finishing his section, so I'll do it.
MCD: Good morning and Good night, folks.
Hello, this is Chef Louie, producer and main star of the hit show Chef Louie. This month, after much critical acclaim, I would like to present to the audience the three recipes I made in my first episode.
I promise that no animals or creatures were harmed in the making of these delicacies. *
- Note: Plants are not animals.
I dub this first creation the Prickly Piranha Jam Rolls as they were inspired by an odd creature called a Prickly Piranha Plant. They look vaguely similar to something called the Creeping Crysanthemum, but don't ask me about that, ask note-taker Olimar about that.
You will need:
- Pancake Batter
- Green Food Coloring
- Any type of bottled jam
- Candy Corn
All you have to do is simply add some coloring to the pancake batter. It’s safe, I swear! Pour the batter into cupcake trays and let them cook for 25 minutes. After that, very carefully, use a spoon or other utensil to scoop out the cruft in the middle and just add your favorite jam in the middle. Decorate with candy corn for the thorns and viola, your jam rolls are ready to serve. They taste good, but nothing beats authentic Prickly Piranha Plant Jam Rolls made with actual Prickly Pir...erm, I mean, onwards!
We come upon one of my personal favorites: Seedweed Pasta. The Seedweed are bountiful creatures known for their highly nutrious leaves and annoying chirping noises.
You will need:
- Two bread bowls, preferably sourdough
- Two pounds of green pasta noodles
- Two bottles of alfredo sauce
Simply cook the pasta in boiling water until it gets to your prefered level of softness. Pour the alfredo into the pasta after draining the water and then pour that into your bread bowls. You have a somewhat appetizing dish that gets nowhere near the level of flavor if it was made with actual Seedweed leaves and Seedweed alfredo sauce. Anyways, onwards!
You will need:
- Block-shaped dough
It’s as simple as tossing the blocks into the dough. That's it! That's all there is to it. No authentic Brick Blocks! No authentic ? Blocks! No nutritonal value whatsoever. That’s right, I lied.
THERE'S NOTHING AUTHENTIC ABOUT ANY OF THESE DISHES! THESE RECIPES ARE A DISGRACE TO CHEFS EVERYWHERE! NO TRUE CHEF USES PRE-PACKAGED GARBAGE! TRUE CHEFS LIKE MYSELF GO OUT INTO THE WILD AND CATCH THE MEAL SO IT'S COOKED FRESH!
How are you supposed to get your daily dose of potassium from the Brick Blocks if they're fake? How about the radium and uranium from the green blocks if they're also fake? Chefs arounf the world, we must revolt against this disgusting habit of using pre-prepared food.
You cannot take me off the stage! I have to tell these people the twiated truth about these cooking shows! Get away from me with that straitjacket!
They say Chef Louie spent the night in the confinements of the dungeon for the night before he was asked to return to Hocotate.
"Sooo, today I am in some sort of... woodsy... looking place. I'm not quite sure. All I remember is sitting down, leaning against some glowy star thingy, and it dragged me here and crashed into the ground. In fact, I think my mind is still trying to come to terms with the fact that I am still standing here alive."
"This interview is turning out less than stellar. I quickly need someone interesting to talk to. If only I would run into some sort of... chivalrous, stylish, handsome hunk of a man. Like... an anti-hero who exudes the very essence of awesome."
"How did you become king anyway? Is there some sort of royal Dedede lineage or something? Is there a great obese penguin dynasty with an intriguing war-torn history, shrouded in darkness and bloodshed and suffering?"
Yello people! As you can obviously see, I got my username changed; expect to see Mr. Game & Watch instead of Goomba from now on!
Anywho, today I ventured into Forever Forest, until I came across a very strange-looking mansion, and I could've sworn someone in green wearing a vacuum was inside... but I ignored it and went inside. Luckily, all the Boos inside of it were pretty nice and showed me around, and they then led me into the basement. The basement had a small shop run by a Boo named Igor, and he gave me a look around the shop. What items did he sell? Let's see;
- Super Shroom; Mmm, what a delicious mushroom! But is it true that these make you as small as a flea...? o_o Cost: 13 coins.
- Life Shroom; This special mushroom perks you right back up, no matter how frail you are! (or even if you're a Boo...) Cost: 50 coins.
- Maple Syrup; Made from maple trees that more than likely rival Canada's, this is probably the best-tasting syrup you'll ever have! Cost: 25 coins.
- Snowman Doll; Brrr... This chilly guy freezes anything (or anyone) it touches! I should know, I still have frostbite from it... Cost: 15 coins.
- Stop Watch; This special watch stops everything in it's (strangely very large) radius! Good for surprise attacks! Cost: 25 coins.
- Mystery?; A small yellow bag that can literally have anything inside, from a mushroom to a pebble. Want to gamble? Get this. Cost: 3 coins.
And that was Igor's selection of items. Before I left, though, he asked me to tell someone named Mario that he's not allowed to buy anything there under orders of someone named Lady Bow... has he gone crazy or something? Anyway, this has been Mr. Game & Watch, signing out!
Ask Paper Yoshi
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another issue of Ask Paper Yoshi! This is, obviously
(duh), Paper Yoshi, ready to answer some questions! Or I would, if I had actually gotten quest--STOP THE PRESSES!!
- You are the writer for several of sections all across the paper; which is your favorite section to write?
- I'd say Upcoming Games is my favorite section out of the ones I write. It usually has a ton of news on basically everything upcoming in one way or another, and including all that information is a nice challenge for me, and one I greatly enjoy (even though it's stressful sometimes :P). I guess you can see that clearly in last month's Upcoming Games, in which I tried to include as much info as I could. Mario Calendar and this section come in a close second place. I really enjoy organizing all the data in Mario Calendar, and trying out new stuff for it (such as the console/store table), and I never know how this section is going to be until I actually get to writing it, so it's also nice to write.
- What's your favorite non-Mario game?
- Uhhhhhh, that's a hard one, actually. I guess my favorite non-Mario games are Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver. Generation II's story was reeeeeally cool, and HGSS did a great job in remaking it, bringing back key features from GSC and also adding new stuff. Pokémon Platinum is close to HGSS in that regard, thanks to both an engaging story (aided by cool features) and a nostalgia factor, since it was my first Pokémon game (you can judge me for being late to the series, no worries).
Well, that's all I have for you this month!! If there's anything you want to ask me, send me a PM, and I'll be sure to answer your question in the next issue!! See you in July!
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