The 'Shroom:Issue 230/Palette Swap
Director's Notes
Hi, everyone, and welcome back to The 'Shroom!
This month, we celebrate Lakituthequick (talk)'s 100th issue as our website manager! LTQ, you have kept us running, helped with troubleshooting, and contributed so much to the paper in your long career, and all of us can't thank you enough! I hope you can catch some truly wonderful clouds in honor of your 100th issue.
With that in mind, we've got a lot of words down there for you! There's a guest section hemmed by Boo1268 and ClawgripFan9001, a Random Image of the Month from Shoey (talk), and our regular writers and artists have brought their fluffiest, most cumulonimbus offerings for you this month! I won't hold you up here any longer, so get to it!
Happy reading! ~FunkyK38
Section of the Month
Bring on the Section of the Month results! In first place this month is Hint Toad (talk) with Mushroom Kingdom Comics! In second, we have winstein (talk) with The ? Panel! Coming up in third, we have our guest section When Sparks Fly, by Boo1268 and Cloudwalker! Congratulations to all our winners, and a big thank you to everyone who voted!
| PALETTE SWAP SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Mushroom Kingdom Comics! | 11 | 28.21 | Hint Toad (talk) |
| 2nd | The ? Panel | 8 | 20.51% | winstein (talk) |
| 3rd | When Sparks Fly | 6 | 15.38% | Boo1268 and Cloudwalker |
Random Image of the Month
Hello! After a fairly long layover, I'm back with another special Random Image of the Month. I was on the wiki, doing my bi-quarterly check of the proposals when, after checking the talk page proposals and making sure to vote in support of splitting Coin Bandit from Bandit as part of my family's longstanding solemn vow to protect the Bubble Dayzee page at all costs, I made my way to the main proposal page and saw that somebody proposed we bring back Pipe Projects. I was like, "wow, Pipe Projects making a comeback? Huh, I thought everybody who remembered Pipe Projects was dead except, like, Glowsquid!".
Even though I wasn't sure who was around that remembered Pipe Projects, the proposal seems to be popular and people are excited, so that's cool. If you could all join my pressure campaign to force Camwoodstock to write a Pipe Plaza section about the status of the retooled Pipe Projects, that would be aces! Anyway, as part of the proposal, something horrible was brought up – a dark part of the wiki's history I thought we all agreed to leave in the past. Somehow, we dug up the original Pipe Projects logo!
The logo was created by a user known as Warioloaf, a user mostly lost to time. He was one of the early prominent users from back in 2006, and at this point the only active users who personally met him are Glowsquid and Father Time himself, Blocky (there are a few others, but you know, rule of comedy). Warioloaf was one of the standout artists of the early days of the Mario Wiki and is also credited as the original Fake News Director even though he never directed Fake News! He never had a team under him; he just wrote a section called "Fake News" for the first three 'Shroom issues! No matter how many DMs I send Waluigi Time at four in the morning telling him to fix this issue, he refuses to address it!!! Anyway, Warioloaf actually created a couple different versions of the Pipe Projects logo (none of them have aged well), and this one (the longest-running version) was one of the final things he did before he went crazy and got himself banned for vandalism. But oh boy, this image did not stand the test of time!
For starters, what is with this contrast?! Why is Bowser full of black splotches! Why is Rambi just an inconsistent grey? Why does Toad have wrinkles on his cap while Yoshi has thick circles on his nose? It's just an ugly image to look at! Now, of course, I'm sure the answer is that Warioloaf was like sixteen at the time and using bad software to make this image, so I'm not sure if he would have had the capability to fix some of these issues. Still, you'd think he would at least be able to get rid of the black splotches that are all over this image!
I don't really understand what's going on in this image? They're in what seems to be a realistic desert, possibly in Arizona. I don't really see what that has to do with the name Pipe Projects? It seems like they're in some sort of race, 'cause Mario is running, Luigi has tripped, and Donkey Kong is in the Rambi Rider. Side note: why is Donkey Kong in the Rambi Rider? Nobody else is in a kart? Why can't Donkey Kong get his ass out and run like everybody else? Although, if you think about it, Donkey Kong is the only smart person in this group. The American Southwest is long and the cities are spread out! I wouldn't want to be walking it! Speaking of Donkey Kong, the way the ears of the Rambi Rider align with his mouth makes it almost look like Donkey Kong has a grenade pin in his mouth and is about to pull it. That imagery would really change the history of Pipe Projects, if you ask me. Overall, it looks like this is a race, but then the rest of the poses don't make any sense if the characters are supposed to be running.
Wario is in a straight-up fighting pose, looking ready to rock somebody. Yoshi and Toad are aura farming. Also neither one of them appears to be on the ground. Are they currently jumping? Why has Toad jumped so high? Didn't Warioloaf play Super Mario Bros. 2? Toad is terrible at jumping! Then you've got Bowser, who is giving everybody the side eye. Why? Meanwhile, Peach is apparently nine feet tall since she's as tall as Donkey Kong while he's riding the Rambi Rider? I just don't see what this image is going for? It doesn't scream "Pipe Projects" to me. There isn't even a single pipe! It looks like they just threw all the main characters together in the American Southwest and called it a day? When Pipe Projects does get relaunched, I hope they update it with a better logo!
Waluigi Time Comic
Drawn by: Waluigi Time (talk)
"The Cloud"
Panel 1
[Waluigi Time is carrying a computer past Mr. Shbeeg.]
MR. SHBEEG: I'm afraid to ask, but what are you doing?
WALUIGI TIME: Moving the company data to cloud storage
Panel 2
[Shbeeg looks pleased.]
MR. SHBEEG: Wow, that's not a bad idea
Panel 3
[Waluigi Time drops the computer out of a skyscraper window and into a cloud, which it falls through.]
Panel 4
[Waluigi Time shrugs.]
WALUIGI TIME: You know, I don't really see the appeal
The ? Panel
Lakitu: Wowsers! What a huge cloud! It's comfortable too!
Off-screen character: Excuse me, but
{Koopa Troopa, that off-screen character, arrives at the cloud and points at himself. The cloud is still smiling}
Koopa Troopa: Could you please give me a lift?
Lakitu: {Happily opens up his arm to his cloud} Sure! Be my guest!
{Koopa Troopa is already on the cloud. Hammer Bro. and Spike arrives at the cloud, with Hammer Bro holding Spike's shoulder. The cloud is still smiling.}
Hammer Bro.: Mind if we hitch a ride?
Lakitu: {Happy shows the way to the cloud} No, not at all!
{A group consisting of Dry Bones, Ninji, Monty Mole, and Shy Guy arrives. Koopa Troopa looks at the new passengers Spike and Hammer Bro. The cloud is in awe}
Group: We'd like to tag along!
Lakitu: Um... all right. You're all welcome.
{Abruptly, a large group of enemies consisting of Goomba Tower, Pokey, Biddybud, Whomp, Conkdor, Swoop, Chain Chomp, Ant Trooper, Fuzzy, Coin Coffer, Piranha Plant, Skedaddler, Sumo Bro, and Hothead show up. Lakitu and the passengers stare in awe at the size of the incoming crowd}
Large group: How about us? We want to follow to!
Lakitu: {Shocked} Huh? OK! OK!
{Lakitu manages to fit in most of the enemies on the cloud, although Fuzzy and Hothead are at the side of the cloud. The cloud breathes in relief.}
Caption: Later...
Lakitu: *Whew*! It was tough, but I managed to fit in everyone.
Off-screen character: {Flowery} Yoo-hoo!
{Lakitu catches the attention of the off-screen character, while the cloud looks at that character in shock}
{Big Wiggler, that off-screen character, arrives}
Big Wiggler: Do you have room for one more?
{Lakitu's Cloud's eyes pop out, while Lakitu is shocked at the thought of adding more to his cloud. Joining the expression are Koopa Troopa and Skedaddler, but Shy Guy is just looking}
{A magenta-shelled Koopa Troopa points at the sky in panic, pointing at the group of enemies riding Lakitu's big cloud as it drifts in the sky. The silhouettes of Piranha Plant, Fuzzy, Wiggler, Ant Trooper, Conkdor, Goomba Tower, Pokey, Chomp, and Dry Bones' head are visible, and Hothead is lighted up. Thunderbolts emit from the clouds, likely caused by Sumo Bro. The Purple Toad looks at the unusual thing in the sky, unimpressed.}
Toad: This is not what I had in mind when you said you saw a UFO.
Mushroom Kingdom Comics!
Hello, 'Shroom readers! Hint Toad, here, with a brand new comic! Enjoy!
Panel 1
[A Bully is strolling peacefully.]
Panel 2
[Suddenly Mario comes into his view. Bullies can't stand the color red.]
Panel 3
[The Bully goes in for the kill. He charges at Mario and knocks him into the air.]
Panel 4
[The setting is revealed to be Lethal Lava Land]
MARIO: Oh c'mon! We're surrounded by lava for Pete's sake!
Panel 1
NARRATION: Our hero, Super Koopa, has lost his ability to fly.
[Super Koopa is looking depressed.]
Panel 2
[He looks up and sees a Lakitu floating in the sky.]
Panel 3
SUPER KOOPA: Say! There's an idea!
Panel 4
[Super Koopa buys a cloud for himself.]
SUPER KOOPA: One, please!
CASHIER: That'll be 5 coins.
Panel 5
[Super Koopa flies away in his new cloud.]
SUPER KOOPA: Ah, yeah!
Panel 6
SUPER KOOPA: Let's see how high this thing can go...
[Super Koopa flies higher.]
Panel 7-10
ANGRY SUN: Hey, kid! You're not from around here, are you?
SUPER KOOPA: Well... actually... I am....
ANGRY SUN: Yeah yeah... Listen up! Has anyone ever told you the story of Deadalus and Icarus?
SUPER KOOPA: No. Why?
Panel 11
[Super Koopa looks down to see that his cloud has been evaporated by the Sun's heat.]
Panel 12
[Super Koopa free falls.]
ANGRY SUN: You'd think after 3000 years, people would learn.
Shmaluigi, Private Investigator
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk) and Boo1268
Additional dialogue: Hooded Pitohui (talk)
Unlucky Streak: Part 1
Luck is a peculiar concept. A lot of things in life occur by random chance, and sometimes they're good and sometimes they're bad, I'm hardly disputing that. But as for people having some innate quality that makes those chance events tend to work in their favor - or against it - well, that seemed more farfetched to me. How do you even quantify something like that? Even if it did exist, I doubted superstitions like combing your mustache just so or keeping your horns polished had anything to do with it. The things some people come up with, I tell you.
But every now and then, something happens that challenges your preconceived notions. For me, it all started simply enough when I brought in the mail that day...
"Hey Jasmine, look at this. Some clown tried sending me a chain letter," I said, quickly skimming over its contents for my own amusement. "'Send this to ten other people in the next week or you'll have bad luck', yeah, sure, whatever. It's amazing that some people are still gullible enough to keep circulating these things. Not exactly surprising, though..."
"Hm, well I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand. I've never put any stock in those either, but I suppose it's possible someone could've hexed the letter itself," Jasmine warned.
"Just what I don't need, a magic-themed villain of the week," I replied. I doubted such a thing was actually the case, considering the utter mundanity of the situation. More than likely it was just your average joe trying to make me a scapegoat for their superstitious nonsense. "Eh, whatever, I'm not worried."
"If you say so."
I had more important things to do with my day than to think about this, so I crumpled up the letter and prepared to throw it out. My attempt overshot and ricocheted off the wall, landing right in the trash can anyway. Nice. That was the end of that.
Things went along as usual for the next week, and then like clockwork, I was struck with a terrible misfortune... That's right, I had to go shopping at JojaMart. I jest, of course, obviously that had nothing to do with the chain letter, but I think I've made my disdain for the Joja Corporation quite clear. If my career path of being a private investigator ever fell through for some reason, maybe I'd start my own grocery store just to wipe the grin off of Mr. Morris' smug face. I could even call it ShmojaMart, that would be funny.
At least today I had some coupons. If I could hold back a few coins from them here and there, you'd better believe I'd be taking the opportunity - especially since watching the amount of money I owed going up every time the Toad at the checkout counter scanned another item was making my stomach turn. Unfortunately, that's about when things went even more sour than they already were.
"Sorry Mr. Shmaluigi, it looks like these coupons are expired," the Toad said.
"What? Expired? That can't be right, let me see them," I replied. The Toad handed them back to me, and I had to squint just to read the fine print - my groucho glasses doing nothing to assist me - but there it was, today's date listed as the expiration. "No, these should still be good today."
"Well, the system's flagging them... Do you want me to call over the regional manager?"
The regional manager. The words practically echoed ominously as if accompanied by a stinger right out of a horror film. If you took all the career criminals I knew out of consideration, Mr. Morris was the person I despised most - and as far as I was concerned, he probably did belong in that category anyway. But if a brief interaction with him was in service of giving him less of my money, I suppose it was the lesser of two evils. Maybe.
"I guess..."
The Toad left his station to go fetch Mr. Morris, and quickly returned with the seemingly always smug manager in tow. Of course, I've seen him lose his composure whenever he wasn't the one in control of the situation, which unfortunately didn't happen nearly often enough.
"Ah, Mr. Shmaluigi, it's a pleasure to see you. I understand there are coupons in need of inspection. Please do hand them over so we can resolve the matter."
I handed him the coupons for closer inspection, then brushed my gloves on my trenchcoat to discard the Joja germs.
"These are official coupons. That much appears in order. Allow me to…" He adjusted his glasses slightly, bringing the coupons closer to his face. "Ah, there is the issue!" He tapped a finger against a portion of the fine print before tracing a line of print so small it could only barely be called legible. "My sincerest apologies, Mr. Shmaluigi, but as you can read in the printed terms, these coupons expired at precisely noon today."
"What? That's ridiculous. Besides, it's..." I paused, checking my watch. "It's literally 12:01 right now."
Mr. Morris checked his own watch in response. "Oh dear, it appears your watch is running slow. I have the time as 12:02."
I rolled my eyes at how much of a stickler he was being. "Whatever. Look, can you just run these through and we can both move on with our days? I definitely had my groceries on the belt before noon anyway." I didn't have high hopes, knowing I was entirely at the mercy of this stooge. I couldn't even threaten to take my business elsewhere, considering Joja had done a pretty thorough job of starving out most of the competition around here.
"My apologies, but I simply cannot permit the acceptance of any expired coupons. If we are to continue generously showering members of the Joja family with savings, we must be vigilant in guarding against abuses of our deals and discounts! I'm sure you understand as a man with utmost respect for the law, yes?" That nauseating smile crept back onto his face as he dug into his pocket and pulled out a punch card. "Oh, but I do see you are purchasing a package of frozen garlic burritos. Please do accept this card as an apology. After your fifth purchase of this item, you'll receive your sixth for half-off on your next visit!"
Of all the rotten... luck. Hm. Well, that obviously didn't have anything to do with the chain letter. Joja probably has a whole division entirely devoted to coming up with new shameless business decisions on the regular. I begrudgingly took Mr. Morris' paltry excuse for an "apology" and resolved to just move on, knowing I wasn't going to be getting anywhere with him. At the very least I knew I'd certainly be buying more of those burritos in the future, they worked well for diverting Shmwario's attention whenever he came over just to raid my fridge.
Well, I wasn't going to let the incident at JojaMart get me down. I had more important people to focus my mental energy on, namely my wife. It had been a little while since our last date night, and dinner and a movie sounded nice. And I have to say, we had a lovely time, even if I did find that movie a bit cheesy. But at least the salad was good. I never really paid much attention to eggplant before my Shmaluigi days, that was kind of a Waluigi-ism I picked up - I wonder if I always would've liked them, or if spending so much time shaped like Waluigi caused me to acquire some of his tastes? I don't think that's how it works, but you never know.
The next day, it was back to business as usual, and back into the form of Shmaluigi, private investigator. Keeping my identity under wraps wasn't something I considered a matter of life and death anymore with Monty Brando out of the picture, but it was still a nice bonus to be able to pull one over on unsuspecting criminals with my shapeshifting, and, perhaps ironically, it was good for public recognizability - I'd built up quite a name for myself, even if it wasn't actually my real name that was being built up. I suppose it was like putting on a uniform in its own weird way. I still wasn't going to go shouting "I'm actually a Duplighost" from the rooftops, mind you.
But as the day went on, I started to feel rather unwell. It was a feeling I recognized all too well as the clear signs of food poisoning - mostly thanks to Shmwario's last barbecue. At least Shmaisy gave him an earful after that.
Here's a little crash course in Duplighost physiology. Being on the more supernatural side of things comes with its own perks, like being resistant to, say, run-of-the-mill food poisoning. Transformations, though? They're just a little too good, and you're opening yourself up to whatever kinds of injuries, ailments, and what-have-you that you'd expect the new form to be susceptible to. So, something that may not have done me any harm in my true Duplighost form was now starting to wreak havoc on the human systems I'd taken on. And if you'd think just transforming back would solve the problem, no, of course it can't be that simple. You generally can't just shake things off by swapping forms, and even if you'd think it's mutually exclusive, misery finds a way - say you've got a bad pain in your arm, and you change forms to a Goomba, that pain's just going to shift somewhere else. In other less linear cases, you might end up with totally different, and potentially worse, problems to "accommodate". I'm not sure how it all works, I think it has something to do with conservation of energy.
Anyway, I'll spare the details. Suffice to say it was a very unpleasant experience that followed. I was at least grateful that Jasmine wasn't subjected to it too since she wasn't swapping out her entire biology like I was, so... silver linings, I guess? I still refused to attribute any of this to the chain letter, though. It was clearly just coincidence, and I wasn't counting JojaMart anyway, so one event doesn't make a pattern.
Please remember to wash your hands folks, especially if you work in food service.
With the rough week I'd been having so far, I decided to treat myself to my usual order at the Sipping Time Café. Imagine my surprise when I got there and found the entrance blocked by construction pylons and the staff just loitering outside. Hopefully asking the familiar Shy Guy barista would get me to the bottom of this.
"What's going on here?"
"Oh, hey Shmaluigi. We had a water main break, so we're waiting for them to repair it. In the meantime, I'm just playing games on my phone," he explained. "Aw man, another dead rose..."
You've got to be kidding me... When it rains, it pours - pardon the expression. But if you guessed I was still in denial, congratulations, you're the lucky one today. Maybe it was for the best. With how things were going, I'd probably burn my tongue on my coffee or something. Dejected nonetheless, I turned around to go home for another day of sitting at my desk doing things of little consequence while hoping someone would stop by with a case.
On the walk back, I felt the telltale buzzing in my pocket that someone had just sent me a text message. I pulled my phone out to check, only for it to slip from my hand as if all the forces of the universe were conspiring against me simultaneously, and watched helplessly as it clattered along the sidewalk and fell right through the cracks of a storm drain. I know it's tempting fate to ask if things can get any worse, but... seriously? I mean, I had my data backed up in the cloud at least, so that wasn't an issue, but I didn't care to shell out a fistful of coins for a brand new phone right now.
This recovery mission would require... probably the most mundane use of my powers in years. I hadn't seen a phonebooth in New Wikisburg for a very long time for the cliche clandestine transformation - an ironic observation, since I currently found myself in the one situation where it would be useful - so I ducked into a back alley and turned into what I figured would be the best way to fish something from the sewers, a Fishin' Lakitu.
Well, I could see it down there - hopefully the protective case I bought for it was able to hold up in the beating it just went through - now it was just a matter of pulling it back up with a fishing rod. How hard could that be? The next five minutes I spent messing with it to no avail would suggest the answer to that question is "harder than it looks". I did eventually manage to knock it further away, though. Go me.
Alright, alright, plan B. If I couldn't bring the phone to me, I'd have to bring myself to the phone, as unappealing as that seemed. I decided to try out transforming into a Wubba, which actually worked like a charm. I slipped through the grate, slid down the wall, grabbed my phone - well, more like stuck my phone inside of me - and got back out with ease. For once, something actually went right, although going through the sewer like that left me with an oppressively gross feeling. Who knows what kinds of things you can pick up down there, especially being this gooey. Waiting around for something to happen would have to wait for me to take a shower.
Well, you might be able to guess where this was going. When I got home, there was no hot water to speak of. It was certainly melodramatic to say I felt like I was going to freeze to death in there, but I'm sticking with it. I figured the water heater was busted, so after what was probably the quickest shower of my life, I called the person in charge of household repairs - my landlord, Ms. Broxy.
That old Magikoopa was quite the character, I had to say. And, um, pretty good at striking fear into folks despite her small stature, coming from firsthand experience. But she was a little more pleasant these days now that I was remembering to turn in my rent checks on time. She was also pretty relaxed about the Duplighost thing, I guess she didn't care too much where the payments were coming from as long as they were coming in at all.
She showed up at the door not too long after, with her hair tied back and dressed up in coveralls, holding a toolbox in one hand. Still had those big cat eye glasses on, but it was a far cry from the usual pearls and such. "You're lucky I didn't have anything going on right now."
"Oh, yeah, I'm absolutely swimming in luck," I replied sarcastically.
"Alright swimmer boy, follow me," she said, brushing past me to get to work. No matter how many years I rented this place, I got the sense that Ms. Broxy still saw it as her domain, and I suppose that wasn't inaccurate.
"Wait, why? I thought you were going to be the one fixing it," I asked. Our contract did specifically say repairs were the purview of the landlord, after all.
"Because a married man oughta know how to make repairs more complex than twisting a screwdriver. Now are you coming or are you going to make me ask you a second time?" I knew better than to argue with her - she was the type who could win any argument, even if she was objectively wrong. I followed along without another word, watching as she pulled out her tools and pried open panels to work her magic - not actual magic, but from my vantage point it may as well have been. "So, how's married life treating you? The missus doing okay?"
"Yeah, she's doing well. She's been trying to find a job of her own, getting into the detective business wasn't her cup of tea. I can't say I blame her." Turns out that the job market was pretty cutthroat these days, and apparently hiring managers don't really care if the massive gap on your resume only exists because you were kidnapped and brainwashed by the city's leading crime boss. Seriously, cut the poor girl a break... Maybe I'd have to see if I could pull some strings with M-corporated, or I could talk to Mr. Time, if we got really desperate. "But I guess it's like... Before there was always some deep, dark, empty void nagging at me, and now it's filled. That's the best way I could describe it."
Everything aside, I suppose I truly was lucky in the grand scheme of things. I spent so long thinking my soulmate was lost forever, chasing after what form of closure I could still manage to grab ahold of, and look at where we were now. Still, it would be nice if I didn't keep getting so many misfortunes dumped on my head all at once.
"Wow. That's sappy."
Way to undercut the moment there, Broxy.
"I've got to be honest with you, years ago I never would've expected the irresponsible beanpole who was late turning in the rent check every month to settle down and get married," she said, taking a wrench to something or other. I never expected it back then either, although for entirely different reasons. "I appreciate it, though. I've got enough people to barge in on and yell at on a regular basis already. You thinking about having kids?"
Well, that took a sudden and rather personal turn. "Um... I'm pretty sure neither of us are ready for that right now."
"Just wondering if I'm going to need to rent this place out to someone else anytime soon," she mused, continuing to fiddle with the water heater in ways I couldn't competently describe. "It's not exactly spacious for a growing family, especially with the zoning."
"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to get rid of me," I said half-jokingly.
"Hey, you keep turning in the rent on time and you can stay here until I'm six feet under, for all I care. And that's not going to be for a long time if I have anything to say about it." With that, she slammed a panel shut and everything looked the way it was before she showed up. I couldn't say I got anything out of it. "There, you've got hot water again."
"You're a lifesaver, Ms. Broxy."
"Don't mention it, just remember this when payment comes due again," she said, packing everything back into her toolbox and heading for the door. "I don't want to see you slipping into old habits again, you got it?"
On top of everything else, work was pretty slow at the moment. We'd be fine for now, but it wasn't good since my investigative work was our sole income since I'd resigned from the NWPD. I also wasn't afraid to admit that, frankly, I was bored. There was certainly no shortage of crimes to solve at the NWPD, however, and even if I wasn't on the force anymore, I figured there was no harm in offering my assistance on the house. My old police scanner picked up something happening at the New Wikisburg Museum of Natural History, so I decided to drop by and see what was up, finding the place in disarray and several officers on the scene. I made a beeline for Chief Palmer, knowing he would be the best source of information.
"What's the situation here, chief?"
"Oh! Shmaluigi. I didn't expect to see you here," Chief Palmer said, turning to face me. "What, are you rethinking your resignation already?"
"I just have a bit of free time on my hands right now, figured I could lend a hand."
"Well, I can't say no to the extra help. We've got a stolen set of fossils that just came in from Ingot Isle. It's a pretty big deal, the museum was planning on having a big event to show them off this weekend." It was the first I was hearing of any of this, but I didn't really follow archaeology. "With the amount that was reported missing, there must have been a pretty decently sized crew to move it all out."
"Have you gotten security footage yet?"
"That's the thing. The museum was right in the middle of replacing its security systems when this happened, so there's no recordings to speak of. No signs of forced entry anywhere in the building either. We suspect an inside job," the chief explained, and I had to concur.
"That's just great... How about any witnesses, then?"
"Just one, the security guard on duty. And, well..." The chief motioned for me to follow him back through the museum. Aside from a conspicuously empty display of fossils and the NWPD officers buzzing around, things didn't seem too amiss in here - until we got to a large fossil of a Kingfin specimen, crashed in the middle of the tiled floor. It used to be suspended from the ceiling, judging by the now-empty ropes hanging up there. "He got crushed by this Kingfin fossil and knocked out cold. They took him to the hospital in pretty bad shape. Seems like the perps used this as part of their getaway."
"So no security footage, and effectively no witnesses to the crime. Wonderful," I said, knowing the frustration of having no leads all too well. But something was bothering me about the crime scene. "Hmm... Those ropes up there, they're frayed. Not cut or burnt, or anything like that. It's almost like this wasn't done intentionally."
"A freak accident?"
"Maybe," I said. I was starting to formulate some idea of the implications, but I didn't like them.
"We did find one clue," he added, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a plastic baggie. "Our culprit was feeling gutsy enough to leave a calling card."
Well, that changes things. Typically, criminals don't want to be connected to a crime, for obvious reasons. I'm sure I don't have to explain that. But when someone effectively leaves a signature behind like this, they want attention. The ones that want attention are more brazen, more dangerous than your average Joe Criminal who's just trying to make a quick score. And it usually means there's more coming.
I looked closer at the card. I wasn't about to handle evidence from an active investigation, but visually, it seemed to be printed on quality material. The white base went nicely with the gold foil, forming a border around the edges and a stylized depiction of a Koopa shell in the middle. I hadn't seen the design before, but the whole thing struck me as oddly reminiscent of one of my old foes...
"Between the shell design here, and leaving behind a calling card... This reminds me of Terrakingpin, but isn't he in jail after the last time I dealt with him?"
"Actually, no. He vanished a few months back, along with nine others. It seemed like a coordinated effort, but there isn't much connection between the escapees, overall. We've managed to get two of them back into custody since, but they're not talking," the chief explained, with a sigh of frustration. "Anyway, I suppose it's possible, but we'll have to keep our options open at this point."
The chief may not have been entirely convinced yet, but this was enough to convince me that it was about time to go for round three with the wannabe mobster. "Well, I'll look into it and let you know if I find anything. You know me and a hunch. Anything I can help with in the meantime?"
"Well, if you wouldn't mind, could you check up on the security guard's condition? Name's Dion, he's at New Wikisburg General Hospital."
"Sure thing, chief."
I drove to the emergency room - thankfully not taking myself, against what seemed to be all odds. A whole lot of people in need of medical attention today, but I didn't see any doctors until an unusually tall Strollin' Stu passed through, wearing a headlamp and an overly long labcoat that dragged along the ground, not much use getting made out of its sleeves. His lanyard read Dr. Stu Pendus. I quickly ran over to flag him down.
"Excuse me doctor, I'm here on behalf of Chief Palmer from the NWPD. He sent me to check on a Mr. Dion's condition, we need to ask him some questions."
"We finally managed to get him stabilized, but he's gone into a coma. You're not going to be getting anything out of him for the foreseeable future, I'm afraid."
Denial... It only takes you so far.
I've been handwaving away everything bad that was happening to me as sheer coincidence, but it was getting to be too much to bear. It was hard to refute at this point that snubbing that chain letter saddled me with one heck of a curse, and now it wasn't just me, but now it was affecting the NWPD's case, and a man's life was hanging in the balance. This... this was just too much. The letter, of course, was long gone. So the question remained...
What now?
To be continued...
Hi there, thanks for reading the beginning of this new arc! I'd like to thank Boo1268 for pitching this story to me, and Hooded Pitohui for contributing the dialogue for the ever lovable-to-hate Morris once again! That's really all I have to say, sometimes there just isn't much to talk about at the end. So I'll let you move on to the rest of Palette Swap's sections now, and be sure to tune in for part 2 next month!
Die WAH With a Vengeance!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Part 8
After stocking themselves up with the helpful items from the traveling salesman, Najib the Camel, Waluigi and Company returned to their quarters at Circuit Break Stadium, where they arranged their next race on the stadium’s main track, which they promptly took part in. Upon winning the race, they moved up to Rank #14 out of 20. Tad Pop paid the heroes their salary of six Coins in a subsequent manner, leaving the heroes to their peace for the time being afterward. Not too long after, Soarin’ Cal approached the heroes for some more small talk. “Hey, Big Purple. You and your boys heard yet? According to my boys, there’s a girl that’s fairy tale princess levels of pretty hanging out at the Circuit Break Refreshments Center! Just the type of gal I could be totally cool with for a girlfriend, know what I mean? Check her out for me if you can!” Soarin’ Cal informed Waluigi and Company.
“Waluigi will see what he can do, Cal. Waluigi is a busy man, but he might be able to find a spot somewhere in his schedule to take a look at this lady for you.” Waluigi nodded towards Soarin’ Cal in understanding of the situation, making his way on over to the Circuit Break Refreshments Center, where this pretty lady was supposed to be hanging out at. Upon entering the place, Waluigi and Company found that it resembled a type of fast food joint, with the owner being a Jumbo Ray made out of yellow gummy candy wearing a typical fast food worker hat on his head. His name was Ernie Fruitella, and he noticed the heroes entering his establishment, giving them a smile in response.
“Welcome, folks! Name’s Ernie Fruitella, the owner of this humble little establishment that makes up the grander scale of operations that is Circuit Break Island! If there’s anything I can do for you, whether it be a bite to eat, something to drink, or literally anything else, don’t hesitate to ask!” The Jumbo Ray informed Waluigi and Company as they proceeded to walk up to the counter he manned. Waluigi then nodded his understanding as Ernie introduced himself to him and his party members and offered them his services.
“That so, huh? Well, Waluigi was informed by a friend of his that a very pretty lady was to be hanging out around here and asked Waluigi to pay her a visit.” Waluigi explained to Ernie, who nodded in understanding as to what the purple troublemaker was talking about, pointing towards a booth in the left corner of the establishment in response, to which Waluigi and Company turned to look over there, indeed seeing the pretty lady that Soarin’ Cal was talking about - She was a bright pink anthropomorphic frog who bore a strong resemblance to Tad Pop, except with her snow white hair styled in a feminine pompadour along with a sky blue shade of eyeshadow and lipstick decorating her face, and a sky blue cocktail dress with a golden necklace for clothing. Waluigi hummed inquisitively with a curiously raised eyebrow. “She’s the WAH-ne that Waluigi’s friend was referring to, huh?” He asked Ernie.
“She sure is. She’s been a regular at this place for years now, and aside from the regular tourism, she’s also one of the main reasons why this place is doing so well financially, because whenever folks come here specifically to see her, I charge them a fee for talking to her. That said, I’m gonna need you guys to fork over a fee of fifteen Coins if you wanna speak to her. Nothing against you or anything, but I ain’t offering free floor space around here.” Ernie informed Waluigi, who sighed in response but still nodded in understanding as he reached into his pockets and took out the fifteen Coins he had to pay up to Ernie in an orderly manner. “Thank you very much, pal. You can go ahead and strike up a chat with the lady now.” Ernie nodded as he pocketed the payment he just received from Waluigi.
“WAH-lright. Thanks for your help, sir.” Waluigi nodded towards the Jumbo Ray before he walked up to the booth that the lady was sitting at. “Excuse Waluigi, ma’am.” He said to her, prompting her to look up from her meal she was having. “Waluigi was asked by a friend of his to speak to you.” The purple-garbed hellion then informed the lady, who nodded in understanding upon hearing this. “His name is Soarin’ Cal, and he says he has a warm feeling for you in his heart.” Waluigi then elaborated on the matter, prompting an understanding hum and another head nod in response.
“That so, Mr. Waluigi? Well, if that’s the case, give him this if you go back on your way to see him.” The lady responded as she wrote down her phone number along with a short message that read “Call me - Prima Donna” before handing it to Waluigi alongside a sky blue rose. “Be sure to give Mr. Cal my best wishes while you’re at it, too.” The lady, apparently named Prima Donna, informed the purple-clad miscreant, who took the phone number and rose with an affirmative hum as he tucked these two items away inside his inventory in a subsequent manner. “Good day to you too, Mr. Waluigi.” Mrs. Prima Donna then bid Waluigi farewell for the time being, with Waluigi smiling at her and nodded before making his way back towards the Minor League Quarters of the Stadium to deliver the items he received from Mrs. Prima Donna back to Soarin’ Cal.
“Waluigi checked out the pretty lady as you requested, Cal. And Waluigi managed to get you her number as well as a pretty flower from her in the process.” Waluigi informed Soarin’ Cal as he handed the KP Koopa the phone number and rose he received from Mrs. Prima Donna, with Soarin’ Cal being left speechless at the effort that the towering mischievous human male had gone through for him. Chuckling a little at Cal’s reaction to receiving Mrs. Prima Donna’s phone number and a rose from her, Waluigi patted Cal’s shoulder. “You’re WAH-lcome. Now, Waluigi and his friends will be off to tend to other business, so Waluigi and his friends will see you soon.” He told the KP Koopa before he and his party members continued on with their day as usual.
Upon winning their next race, ranking up to #13 out of 20 and receiving their salary payout of seven Coins in the aftermath of things, Waluigi and Company were approached by Soarin’ Cal yet again, though this time around, he had a much more serious expression on his face, which confused the heroes, given Cal was usually much more upbeat in the past. “Hey, listen up, you guys…Keep it under your hard hats, but I’m thinking ‘bout hanging up my race car keys and retiring from kart racing. Don’t get me wrong, I love to race, and I live for the thrill of things, but with all the conspiracy surrounding the Circuit Break League as of late, I think it’s for the best that I get out of the game before I get in too deep, know what I mean?” Soarin’ Cal explained to the heroes, who nodded hesitantly in response.
“WAH-f course, Waluigi’s been there more times than he’d like to admit in the past. Plus, when you look at all the conspiracy that’s been surrounding the Glitz Pit up there in Glitzville prior to Big Red’s arrival during his hunt for the Crystal Stars, Waluigi thinks you’re making the right decision there, Cal. As much as Waluigi loves hanging out with you around these parts, he finds that your safety is much more important than that.” Waluigi assured Soarin’ Cal as he placed his hand on the KP Koopa’s shoulder for emphasis on his statement, Waluigi’s party members nodding their agreement in response.
Soarin’ Cal slightly smiled in response, relieved to hear that Waluigi understood where he was coming from. “Thanks, Big Purple. Glad to know we’re on the same page of thinking when it comes to this kinda stuff. After your next race, I’m outta here. I’m gonna miss y’all with all my heart, but it’s for the best, not only for myself, but for everyone ‘round here as well. But long as your mortal minds are active, and people continue to write about my legacy, I’ll continue to live on as a professional kart racer. Y’all keep doing what you’re doing in the meantime, yeah?” He asked Waluigi and his party members before giving the menace in purple a parting fist bump, which Waluigi returned with a smile and a nod.
“WAH-f course, Cal. Waluigi and his friends will be doing just that. We wish you all the best with your post-retirement lifestyle.” Waluigi bid Soarin’ Cal goodbye as he went off to tend to business once more, giving the KP Koopa one final glance before going on his way. By the time the heroes returned from winning their next race and ranking up to #12 out of 20, they found that Soarin’ Cal was indeed no longer present in the stadium’s Minor League Quarters, having evidently retired from kart racing. “Looks like Soarin’ Cal wasn’t pulling our legs when he said he was going to retire. While we were out on the race track, he packed up his bags and dipped.” Waluigi remarked, his party members nodding their agreement.
“You could certainly say that, Mr. Waluigi. While I’m going to miss him dearly, I will agree that it was for the best that he made the decision to leave the Circuit Break League while he still could, so that he wouldn’t end up suffering the same fate as King K did during the conspiracy of the Glitz Pit in Glitzville.” Bloolex gave his opinion on the matter.
“My sentiments exactly. Dude was a genuinely good guy, so I’d hate for him to meet his Game Over the same way his Glitz Pit counterpart nearly did during the Crystal Star Hunt that Big Red and his gang went on back in the day. So he most definitely made the right decision to tap out of here before fate could shut the doors on him.” Cheesare chimed in his reasoning on the matter as well.
“Likewise, dudes! I’ve known Soarin’ Cal longer than you have, and I can, like, totally confirm the guy is one of the nicest you’ll ever meet ‘round here! So I’m, like, totally bummed to know that he’s retired and heading somewhere that ain’t here, you feel me? Still, I do agree it was better for his health and well-being to leave!” Nicky finally voiced his sentiments on Soarin’ Cal’s departure. Afterward, the heroes proceeded to take on their next race, which they once again proceeded to win, thus letting them rank up to #11 out of 20.
Upon returning to the Minor League Quarters following this race, Waluigi and Company found Bob Bombs and Clefthaddeus discussing the recent departure of Soarin’ Cal from the Circuit Break League and Circuit Break Island as a whole. “Man, I ain’t gonna lie things have gotten pretty quiet ‘round here since Soarin’ Cal left…” Bob Bombs admitted with a melancholic exhale. Clefthaddeus shrugged his nonexistent shoulders in response.
“Maybe. But Cal not add much for Circuit Break League. Now that Cal not here anymore, that means no more dead weight for Circuit Break League.” Clefthaddeus chimed his thoughts on Soarin’ Cal’s departure, prompting Bob Bombs to nudge him in a scolding manner, though Clefthaddeus didn’t appear to react to it in any manner.
“Don’t you go lying in my face like that, Clefthaddeus! I saw you crying over Soarin’ Cal leaving in your storage locker not too long ago!” Bob Bombs chastised Clefthaddeus with an angry expression on his otherwise expressionless face, though Clefthaddeus still gave no kick in response to this scolding from his Bob-Omb roommate. Waluigi and his party members then walked over to the pair, greeting them by raising their hands and then lowering them again. “Ah, Mr. Waluigi. I take it you and your teammates got wind of Soarin’ Cal leaving the League as well, yeah?” Bob Bombs asked the purple-garbed instigator with an inquisitive look, to which Waluigi nodded affirmatively with a hum to emphasize.
“Yeah, Waluigi and his friends did hear about it. Soarin’ Cal informed Waluigi personally shortly before he left. It’s unfortunate that he had to make the decision, but it was the best decision in the interest of his own health and WAH-ll-being.” Waluigi responded to Bob Bombs, who nodded in understanding of the situation.
“Mm, I’ll say. Still, his absence here in the Minor League Quarters of the Circuit Break Stadium can definitely be felt now that he’s gone. Clefthaddeus over here appears to be in denial in regards to the situation, but he won’t admit it.” Bob Bombs responded in return while gesturing to Clefthaddeus, who then turned towards Waluigi and Company in a subsequent fashion.
“Bob Bombs talk nonsense. Me not in denial of Soarin’ Cal leaving. Him leaving mean less filler in Circuit Break Minor League slots.” Clefthaddeus informed Waluigi and Company, prompting Bob Bombs to groan in irritation, though the heroes nodded their reluctance so as to not get on Clefthaddeus’ bad side for the time being. “Now Clefthaddeus just return to business as usual, so leave Clefthaddeus be.” The Hyper Bald Cleft informed the heroes as he went off to do just that, leaving them with Bob Bombs in the process.
“Man, things really are feeling empty around here now, what with Soarin’ Cal gone and Ian Thieving being rarely in here and all…This’ll take some time getting used to…” Bob Bombs admitted to Waluigi and Company, who nodded in understanding, with Waluigi kneeling down to Bob Bombs’ height for ease of speaking to him as the purple-garbed mischief-maker put a comforting hand on the Bob-Omb’s nonexistent shoulder.
“Waluigi understands you miss Soarin’ Cal, Bob Bombs. Waluigi is sure that Soarin’ Cal misses you too. But he wouldn’t want you to feel so down in the dumps over him leaving, WAH-lright? Life here in the Circuit Break League carries on, even with Soarin’ Cal no longer here, so chin up, and know that there’s better times to come around Circuit Break Island, WAH?” The thinly-built anti-hero told Bob Bombs with a reassuring smile and an equally reassuring tone of voice, with his party members sharing those reassuring smiles whilst nodding their agreement with the sentiments of their team leader.
Bob Bombs took a moment to take in what Waluigi just told him, then nodded in understanding. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right, Mr. Waluigi. This heavy cloud might be hanging over my head right now, but it’ll give way for sunny days and blue skies soon enough. Thanks for helping me realize that.” He thanked the lanky impish male for the words of comfort he provided the Bob-Omb racer with. Waluigi nodded once more, keeping a reassuring smile as he gave Bob Bombs a pat on the back before standing back up again.
“Waluigi was happy to help, Bob Bombs. For now, though, Waluigi and his friends will have to go back to their daily schedules out here on Circuit Break Island.” Waluigi told his new Bob-Omb friend, before Tad Pop proceeded to enter the Minor League Quarters alongside a Ratooey made out of vanilla ice cream, prompting Waluigi and Company, as well as Bob Bombs to look on at the scene that was about to play out in front of them.
“A warm welcome to the Circuit Break League, Mr. Rodent Petty. We’re glad to have you as part of the lineup of professional kart racers that roll down the tracks of Circuit Break Island on a daily basis. Now, as a novice racer, you’re going to have to start from the bottom of the League’s standings, in the Minor League. As such, these Minor League Quarters are where you will be staying while you are racing within this particular branch of the Circuit Break League. If you wish to arrange for a race to take place on the main track of the Stadium, then you must use this terminal over here to speak with the League Promoter, and he will arrange everything for you immediately. After that, it’s just a matter of making your way down to the garage by the main track, pick the kart you wish to use during the race, and then it’s just a matter of waiting for the green flag to be waved.” Tad Pop explained to the newcomer, just like she had done with Waluigi and Company when they first joined the Circuit Break League. The Ratooey, whose name was revealed to be Rodent Petty, nodded in understanding and used the terminal just as Tad Pop had instructed him to do.
Upon having successfully arranged his debut race, Rodent Petty turned his attention towards Waluigi and Company, as well as Bob Bombs. “Oh, hello there. Are you my new roommates? Like Miss Tad Pop over here said, my name’s Rodent Petty. I’m here to join the League to fill up the vacant slot in the standings, so I hope we’ll be able to get along going forward.” Rodent Petty greeted his new roommates before taking his leave from the Minor League Quarters to head towards the garage to select his kart for his debut race, Tad Pop joining him as he did so. Afterward, Waluigi and Company shifted their attention back towards Bob Bombs, who looked just as puzzled about the whole ordeal as they were.
“Well, that was, uh…Interesting, to say the least.” Bob Bombs picked up awkwardly, to which Waluigi and his party members nodded their agreement. “Well, you and your party members continue looking after yourselves, alright, Mr. Waluigi? Things can only go uphill or downhill from here at any given moment, so be careful out there.” He advised the skinny rabble-rouser, who once again nodded his affirmation in response.
“Don’t worry, Bob Bombs. Waluigi and his friends will be doing just that.” Waluigi assured the veteran Bob-Omb racer before he and his party members went on with their day like they usually did. During the next race they took part in, they first crossed paths with Rodent Petty and his kart racing team, The Ratooey Pack, which, true to its name, consisted of four Ratooeys made out of different flavors of ice cream, with Rodent Petty being the leader in aforementioned vanilla flavor. His three teammates appeared to be made of strawberry, chocolate and mint flavored ice cream, respectively. The four of them looked to be driving a Wild Wing kart dyed in the various colors of ice cream flavors they represented.
“Just because we’re friends off-track doesn’t mean we’ll be going easy on you during the race itself, Mr. Waluigi! It’s still a demolition derby, after all!” Rodent Petty informed Waluigi before he and his teammates engaged the naughty beanstalk man and his party in battle. Each of the four Ratooeys then struck first by pelting Waluigi and his party members with pieces of cheese, which didn’t do a whole lot of damage to the heroes, since they were just ordinary pieces of cheese, after all. Waluigi and his party members laughed at the dinky attacks their opponents just used on them, prompting Rodent Petty and his team to look on in a rather nervous manner, anxiously accepting what would happen to them next.
“Those wimpy little attacks didn’t hurt at all! Now it’s Waluigi and Company’s turn!” Waluigi chortled before ramming his Offroader kart into The Ratooey Pack’s Wild Wing kart with a Swerving Swipe attack, to which the ginormous gerbils yelled in agony. Bloolex followed this up with a Rapid Halberd Spin attack, prompting the verminious foes to squeal in pain. Cheesare then used his Cheddar Bombardment attack to drench the rodentious mammal meddlers in a dollop of sticky molten cheese, giving them a taste of their own medicine in the process. Nicky then finished The Ratooey Pack off with a Shell Shot attack, causing their kart to get run off the track and break down, rendering them out of the race. Waluigi and Company proceeded to high five one another in a fight well done as they continued their journey towards first place. Eventually, they came across Bob Bombs and his team of three fellow Bob-Ombs, named The Riot Control Gang. Bob Bombs noticed the purple troublemaker and his party as they approached him and his own team, driving in a black and yellow colored Honeycoupe/Dragonetti. “Alright then, Mr. Waluigi. It’s time for us to settle things out here on the race track, right now.” Bob Bombs informed Waluigi before taking the slinky smart aleck and his posse of partners on in battle.
The Riot Control Gang opened up the battle by performing their own variant of a Swerving Swipe attack, appropriately named the Squaddie Swipe, which dealt a good amount of damage to the kart Waluigi and Company were driving, though due to the size difference between the two karts, it didn’t do as much damage as the heroes’ Swerving Swipe attack did. Waluigi and Company then retaliated with a Boomerang Helmet attack courtesy of Waluigi, a Cephalopod Surge attack courtesy of Bloolex, a Sla-Douken attack courtesy of Cheesare, and finally, a strong whack to the cranium courtesy of Nicky and his torque wrench. The attacks were enough to make Bob Bombs and his teammates blow a fuse, both figuratively and literally, causing them to get tired out and run their kart off the track in the process, thus ruling them out of combat. This left Waluigi and Company to go on an unopposed drive towards first place, leading to their umpteenth victory since joining the Circuit Break League as they cheered in euphoria. “WAH-nderful! All this work Waluigi’s doing on the fast lanes of Circuit Break Island goes to show that Waluigi really is the crème de la crème of the Mushroom Kingdom’s lineup of major players, not just a bottom feeder of that category!” Waluigi cheered in satisfaction as he slowly but surely began to ride his kart back towards the garage so that Nicky’s mechanic buddies could patch it up for future racing endeavors. Upon leaving the garage and heading back to the Minor League Quarters, the heroes yet again received their payment for their bang-up job in the lanes of the Circuit Break Stadium, after which Tad Pop left them to their peace.
“So, unless Waluigi’s mistaken, we’re currently ranked #10 out of 20 within the leaderboard of the Circuit Break League, aren’t we? If so, we must be getting pretty close to entering the Major League standings of the leaderboard. Let Waluigi check if some kind of special racing event can be arranged to try and get us promoted into the Major League…” The purple-clad loose cannon mumbled to himself as he walked up to the Racing Reservation System before accessing it to arrange another race by contacting Florian Kniphofia. The Floro Sapien promoter appeared on screen in a subsequent manner, delighted at seeing Waluigi staring back at him through the screen once he did. “Good day to you, Mr. Kniphofia. Listen, Waluigi was wondering, since we’re ranked smack dab in the middle of the League’s tables as we speak, is there some possibility for Waluigi and his team to be promoted to the Major League?” He inquired of the promoter with a curious tilt of his head, giving him a long look.
“That’s a really good question, Mr. Waluigi! And the answer is “Yes!” There is a way for you and your team to be promoted to the Major League and getting yourselves closer to getting crowned the champions of Circuit Break Island, and that’s by challenging the Minor League Champion racers; The Iron Chancellors! Would you like me to arrange a special title bout race with these gentlemen right away?” Florian Kniphofia asked Waluigi upon having answered his question, to which Waluigi glanced towards his party members in response before shifting his focus back towards Florian and finally nodding in affirmation.
“WAH-huh, Waluigi would like that very much. One last question, though; Do Waluigi and his team get the pick of a special vehicle fit for this title bout derby?” The thinly-built miscreant again inquired of the Floro Sapien promoter, placing his right hand against his chin for emphasis. Florian hummed affirmatively and nodded in response. “WAH-nderful. In that case, Waluigi and his team will be down at the garage to pick up their special vehicle they’re going to use in the title bout right away.” Waluigi nodded back in response before the Racing Reservation System’s screen went blank again, after which the meager anti-hero quickly made his way towards the garage with his party members in tow. Nicky’s mechanic friends were already waiting for them and lit up with glee upon seeing them arrive.
“Ah, Mr. Waluigi! We were already expecting you! Since you’re going up against the Minor League Champions of the Circuit Break League, we’ve crafted together a rather spectacular battle vessel for you and your team to fight it out against The Iron Chancellors! Come take a look!” One of the Spiky Parabuzzy mechanics informed Waluigi before guiding him and his teammates towards the W-2000 WAH-VY Kart, which resembled a US M103 heavy tank. Needless to say, Waluigi and Company were impressed at what the mechanics had provided them with in terms of a vehicle for their upcoming title bout. “Pretty amazing, isn’t it? Here’s the keys, so go ahead and take her for a spin against the last obstacle in your way of reaching the Major League! Good luck!” The mechanic told Waluigi as he handed him the keys, after which the heroes proceeded to settle down inside their kart and rode it out onto the race car track in a consecutive fashion, being greeted with thunderous cheers and applause from the Circuit Break Stadium crowd as they slowly but surely made their way towards the starting line of the title bout race. Needless to say, such a positive reception really did the protagonistic posse a world of good, causing them to estimate their chances in coming out of this race victorious higher than they initially would.
Florian Kniphofia was shown standing on his usual spot on the podium situated between the turnpikes that made up the main course of the Circuit Break Stadium, his microphone grasped firmly in his hand and his charismatic smile plastered across his face. “And now, for today’s main event; Our rookie racing team that’s been taking Circuit Break Island by storm as of late, The Waluigi Fury Roadsters, will be facing off against the currently reigning Minor League Champions; The Iron Chancellors! Please put your hands together for the Minor League Champion Team as they make their way towards the starting line!” The Floro Sapien promoter proudly announced after Waluigi and Company had pulled up to the starting line before glancing towards the entrance to the course that The Iron Chancellors would be emerging from, and surely enough, they did; The Iron Chancellors were revealed to be a pair of Iron Clefts with yellow and purple shoes, referencing the primary colors that Wario and Waluigi regularly wore. These Iron Clefts, named Yellow Owl and Purple Swallow, respectively, drove a kart named the IR-011 Steel Imp, which resembled a Soviet Russian T-10 heavy tank. As they rode towards the starting line, they were also met with a round of cheers and applause from the crowd up in the bleachers, which they gladly accepted before finally pulling up to the starting line, right next to Waluigi and Company with a pair of overconfident smirks on their faces as they glanced at the heroes.
“Bluh huh huh huh huh! So you guys are supposed to be the rookies who’ve been tussling with all the weakling Minor League teams dwelling underneath us all this time, are you? What a joke!” Yellow Owl laughed and taunted Waluigi and his party members. “Bluh huh huh huh huh! What Yellow said! You guys couldn’t strike an elephant in the rear end with a Blue Spiny Shell at point blank range!” Purple Swallow also laughed while taunting the heroes, who were prompted to roll their eyes in response to the Iron Clefts’ cockiness.
“WAH-t a pair of nitwits you are. Looks like Waluigi and his friends are going to have to humble you over the course of this race we’ll be having today.” Waluigi mocked the Iron Clefts’ arrogance, his party members humming their agreement with this sentiment as Waluigi kept one hand on the steering wheel while keeping his other hand on the transmission as he prepared to take off, Yellow Owl doing the same thing, since he was the one driving for his team, except for the lack of hands on his part. Florian Kniphofia smiled as he saw that both racing parties were eager to get started and began to prepare to give off the starting signal in an obligatory manner upon doing so.
“Alright, it seems that both combating parties are set! It’s time for a DEMOLITION DERBY TO DECIDE THE NEW REIGNING MINOR LEAGUE CHAMPIONS OF THE CIRCUIT BREAK LEAGUE!” Florian Kniphofia’s voice boomed with excitement across the stadium before both teams took off in their battlemobiles and the heroes’ next boss fight began.
“WAH-CHO! Just because you walking lumps of iron are made of an impenetrable substance doesn’t mean that you’re unbeatable! Waluigi and his WAH-mazing friends will be putting the nix on your parlor tricks!” The purple troublemaker firmly told The Iron Chancellors with an equally firm expression plastered across his face as he did so. He then proceeded to put his words into practice by using the cannon on his vehicle to perform a WAHR-Luigi Blast attack on the Iron Clefts and their vehicle, causing the Iron Clefts to roar in anger. “Bloolex, why don’t you show these ironsiders some of your elemental tricks?” Waluigi then suggested to his Blooper ally, who nodded in affirmation.
“You got it, Mr. Waluigi! Over the course of our last couple of battles, I’ve learned a new elemental technique I’ve been itching to try out!” Bloolex informed Waluigi before he proceeded to use one of his new elemental attacks on The Iron Chancellors; It was called Somewhere Over The Rainbow, and it involved Bloolex launching a rainbow at his enemies, which caused Purple Swallow to be launched into Yellow Owl, damaging both Iron Clefts and causing them to howl in pain in the process. “Well, what do you know? My new elemental techniques prove to be rather useful in exploiting those Iron Clefts’ weak points!” Bloolex chortled in joy upon finding that his attack proved to be useful against his current opponents. Cheesare hummed his agreement on the matter, pondering if he had any attacks that could use the weak points of The Iron Chancellors to his advantage.
“Nice going on cracking that case for us, Bloolex. Now let me see if I can keep that clobbering spree going for our team.” The hamburger-esque Spinia chimed before he too proceeded to try out a recently learned technique against The Iron Chancellors; The Condiment Wind Attack, which was a parody of the Condor Wind attack from Street Fighter VI. This status-boosting attack proceeded to raise Cheesare’s attack and speed immensely, allowing him to attack twice in one turn. As such, he proceeded to follow the attack up with another recently learned one; The Condiment Spire, a parody of the Condor Spire attack from the Street Fighter series. Unlike the attack it was based on, however, the Condiment Spire was used to launch strings of solid ketchup, mustard and mayo at Cheesare’s opponents, which, in this fight against The Iron Chancellors, proved to be very helpful, as the attack once again caused Purple Swallow to be launched into Yellow Owl, causing them to sustain damage and moan in pain in the process.
“Totally radical, dudes! We keep this up, we’ll have these ironheads busted in nothing flat!” Nicky hollered with excitement at the situation before he proceeded to close out Team Waluigi’s turn by using a newly learned attack called Home Run, which involved using his torque wrench as a baseball bat, lifting Purple Swallow off the ground with his torque wrench, then slugging Purple Swallow into Yellow Owl as if the purple shoe-wearing Iron Cleft were a baseball. The two Iron Clefts yelped in pain from the impact of the attack, and they looked stressed as they realized that Waluigi and Company had discovered their weak points, meaning major trouble for them during this fight.
“Bogus, Yellow! Those greased racers found our weak spots! What do we do?!” Purple Swallow asked his partner in-crime in a stressful tone of voice, his face radiating equal anxiety. Yellow Owl’s expression also showed off some uneasiness, though nowhere near as badly as his purple shoe-wearing counterpart. “We keep fighting ‘till the bitter end. Ain’t over ‘till it’s over. That’s something my old man taught me when he was showing me the ropes during my rookie years as a racer. So let’s give those rotten peppers a run for their money!” Yellow Owl told Purple Swallow, who nodded in response as the two Iron Clefts retaliated against Waluigi and Company called Rocketman, which involved launching a Banzai Bill from their vehicle’s cannon at the heroes, dealing out a grand dose of damage against them, and causing them to cry out in pain simultaneously. After that, it was Team Waluigi’s turn again. Waluigi shook off the impact of The Iron Chancellors’ attack as his face was radiating the confidence it pretty much always did.
“Suffering that attack from you is a most Bogus Journey, you pathetic pair of pitiful pinheads! Allow Waluigi to show you how to be EXCELLENT to WAH-ne another!” The purple-garbed miscreant taunted his enemies before using the cannon on his own vehicle to perform a WAH-ter Works attack on The Iron Chancellors, launching a burst of poisonous water at the Iron Clefts, with the attack proving to be effective due to corrosion caused by moisture and oxygen combined when iron is exposed to it, thus significantly damaging The Iron Chancellors as they screamed in pain. “WAH-hey! How did you ironbrains like that?!” Waluigi smirked at the Iron Clefts before gesturing towards Bloolex to keep the streak going.
“Not very much, I imagine, Mr. Waluigi. So allow me to brighten up their mood with a colorful experience!” Bloolex giggled as he used another rainbow-based attack against The Iron Chancellors known as Double Rainbow All The Way, which involved the Blooper launching a twin stream of rainbows at his opponents, once again sending Purple Swallow into Yellow Owl, dishing out major damage against the two of them as they chattered in pain. The Blooper then tentacle waved towards Cheesare that he was good to target the Iron Clefts next, to which the Spinia nodded his understanding and stepped forward to do just that.
“I’ll take it up a notch by giving them a ranch dressing!” Cheesare chimed in as he used another newly learned condiment-based attack known as the Ranch Drench, which involved the Spinia summoning a super soaker gun from thin air and using it to drench his opponents in ranch dressing, moisturizing, airing and corroding them whilst handing out extensive impairment at the same time. The Iron Chancellors groaned in agony as a result of this, and Cheesare bopped his head towards Nicky to give him the go-ahead to close out Team Waluigi’s next turn at combat, in which the Spiky Parabuzzy did so by once again using his Home Run attack against the Iron Cleft racers, causing them to bawl in pain in response.
“I’ll bet my boots that no one expected to be taken out to the ball game here on Circuit Break Island today, dudes.” Nicky giggled a bit more in amusement at his baseball-themed jokes before it was The Iron Chancellors’ turn to attack once again. They proceeded to use the cannon on their vehicle to execute a Spike Ball Saigon attack, which involved launching a Spike Ball resembling the ones that Bowser could curl into in Mario and Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story at Waluigi and Company, making the heroes caw out in pain once the attack made contact with them. It didn’t hinder the heroes’ will to try and finish The Iron Chancellors off, however. “Let’s not back down in the face of this challenge, dudes! It’s our first major obstacle on the road to becoming the Circuit Break League Champions, so if we’re to earn our stripes for getting there, then we gotta give these ironhide nitwits a well-deserved trashing!” Nicky told his teammates to boost their morale, in which they nodded their agreement. “Glad we’re on the same page! Now let’s rock some more!”
Waluigi then opened his team’s next turn of attack by yet again using the cannon on his vehicle to unleash a Nuclear WAHR-Head attack on The Iron Chancellors by launching a giant glowing green candy warhead at the enemy vehicle, causing it to start emitting smoke as a result of being battle-worn from all the damage it had sustained so far. “Things aren’t looking good for us, Yellow. I think we better start preparing for our inevitable dethroning as Minor League Champions.” Purple Swallow warned his yellow shoe-wearing counterpart with a concerned expression resting on his face, to which Yellow Owl nodded his agreement.
“That we should, Purple. But we aren’t gonna give these guys the privilege of getting taken out like sitting ducks - As I was saying, we’ll continue fighting until the bitter end, regardless of how futile our efforts may be.” Yellow Owl told Purple Swallow, who hesitantly nodded his agreement with that sentiment. In the meantime, Bloolex used another one of his newly learned rainbow-based attacks against The Iron Chancellors, this one being called Rainbow Road, named after the hardest track in the Mario Kart series, and it involved Bloolex summoning a rainbow that he proceeded to ride on before bashing Purple Swallow into Yellow Owl using the might of the rainbow, causing the pair of Iron Clefts to grunt in pain. Cheesare then followed this up with another newly learned condiment-based attack known as Garlic Sauce Gusher - As per the name of the attack, it involved the hamburger-like Spinia summoning another super soaker from thin air and using it to saturate his enemies using a stream of garlic sauce while inflicting the Poison status ailment on them in the process, causing them to gradually lose HP with every turn.
“Gnarly! Let’s continue giving these kooks a nasty backwashing, okay, dudes?” Nicky suggested to his party members before proceeding to close out his team’s next turn of attack with a Buzzy Buster move, which involved deflecting Purple Swallow’s subsequent charging attack with a Superguard-like spin of his Parabuzzy shell, thus knocking Purple Swallow back into Yellow Owl, prompting a pained holler from the pair of Iron Clefts in response. “Pumping, bro!” Nicky exclaimed excitedly as it was now The Iron Chancellors’ turn to attack again. Due to the Poison status ailment Cheesare inflicted on them earlier, they both lost a single HP and subsequently grunted from this. Nevertheless, they used their vehicle’s cannon to launch an oversized Orange Grenade at Waluigi and Company, said Orange Grenade exploding upon contact with the heroes’ vehicle, causing them to exclaim in discomfort. Afterward, it was Waluigi and Company’s turn to attack yet again.
“Cannonball!” Waluigi shouted as he performed a WAH-Bash Cannonball attack using the cannon on his battle vessel, launching a large-sized cannonball with his emblem imprinted on the front at The Iron Chancellors’ vessel, forcing more grandiose blemish on it as a result and causing it to start emitting darker and thicker clouds of smoke. Bloolex then followed this attack up with another Double Rainbow All The Way move, after which Cheesare performed another Condiment Spire attack, finalized with another Home Run attack courtesy of Nicky, which, in combination with the subsequent effects of the Poison status ailment, was enough to send The Iron Chancellors plunging into the depths of defeat as their tank started sputtering while rolling off the track, the pair of Iron Clefts letting out unintelligible sounds of blubbering to go along with this. Waluigi and Company then let out joyful noises in celebration of their victory over the now dethroned Minor League Champions of Circuit Break Island, and they soon managed to reach the finish line not too long afterward.
Upon crossing the finish line, Waluigi and Company were greeted with thunderous cheers and applause from the crowd perched upon the bleachers above them, with both Florian Kniphofia and Tad Pop rushing up to them as Tad Pop handed Waluigi a silver trophy with the Circuit Break Island Emblem engraved inside of it to signify the purple troublemaker and his team being the new Minor League Champions. Holding up the trophy above his head with a jolly laugh, Waluigi was soon caught in an equally joyful hug from Florian Kniphofia. “Woo-wee, Mr. Waluigi!” Florian Kniphofia exclaimed pridefully before the Floro Sapien promoter took the thinly-built mischief-maker on his shoulders, with Waluigi, his party members, Florian and Tad Pop all waving towards the crowd above in a subsequent manner. Following these celebrations, Waluigi and Company met with Florian and Tad Pop in the Minor League Quarters. “You boys are off to a great start within the Circuit Break League, Mr. Waluigi! The Minor League Trophy’s all yours, meaning you’re the new Minor League Champions! Which additionally means you’ll also be promoted to the Major League Quarters within the Circuit Break Stadium, so I suggest you pack your things and bid your former Minor League Quartermates farewell as you make your move to the Major League Quarters!” Florian suggested Waluigi and Company, who nodded in understanding.
“Understood, sir. Waluigi and his friends will do just that.” Waluigi acknowledged what the promoter was telling him as they began to pack their things before parting with their Minor League Quartermates before Tad Pop proceeded to escort the heroes towards the Major League Quarters, which was where they would be staying for the second phase of their stay at Circuit Break Stadium. “WAH-ll then, we’ve gone quite a leg up in comfort as far as accommodation is concerned, wouldn’t you say?” Waluigi asked his party members, who nodded their agreement with that sentiment.
“You could certainly say that, Mr. Waluigi. Though I do have to say that the racers living in these quarters are not as friendly as the ones in the Minor League Quarters were…” Bloolex admitted as he glanced around the racers that lived in the Major League Quarters, who looked like they took racing a lot more seriously compared to those racing in the Minor League. Waluigi hummed his agreement with his Blooper ally’s sentiment before shifting his focus back towards Tad Pop for any additional information the heroes might require before the frog woman took her inevitable leave from the Major League Quarters.
“Well, I think it’s needless to say that you’ll be residing here in the Major League Quarters while you’re ranked in the Major League of the Circuit Break Stadium. The Racing Reservation System works the same as it did in the Minor League, although compared to the Minor League, the races are bound to gradually get harder from here on out. But I have it on full confidence that it’s nothing for a person as strong as yourself to handle, am I right, Mr. Waluigi?” Tad Pop asked the purple-garbed miscreant after explaining the basics of the Major League Quarters to him, to which Waluigi hummed his affirmation, nodding for emphasis. “If you say so, then your words please me. I must be off now, but I have no doubt I’ll be meeting with you again real soon.” Tad Pop nodded, satisfied with Waluigi’s answer before departing from the Major League Quarters.
“Wah-t a day. Waluigi could really do with some rest in the aftermath of all of this.” Waluigi admitted as he stretched and yawned before lightly scratching his back with a fatigue-ridden expression resting on his face. His party members hummed their agreement, also feeling exhausted after the heck of a fight they just emerged victorious from. Suddenly, Boobwuss Yammerton came into the Major League Quarters, shutting the door behind him as he did so, much to the surprise of Waluigi and Company, but the rest of the Major League Quarters’ inhabitants didn’t look all that impressed at the Circuit Break League Champion coming into their domain. “Wah?!” Waluigi exclaimed in confusion as to what Boobwuss Yammerton was doing here, but he’d find out soon enough as the brightly-hued Bully made his entrance speech to the Quarters’ tenants.
“Make way for the Champ, peons! Now, listen up, y’hear? Word’s on the streets of Circuit Break Island that some big shot rookie’s been plowing his way through the ranks of the Minor League! Y’all know who it is?” Boobwuss Yammerton asked the tenants of the Major League Quarters before turning towards Waluigi, looking surprised upon seeing him. “It’s you, ain’t it? Yeah, your beanpole build makes ya stick out like a sore thumb in a crowd of thumbs that are supposed to be flashed in my direction!” Boobwuss Yammerton taunted the skinny impish male, who raised a confused eyebrow in response, tilting his head inquisitively for emphasis. “How did a stringbeaned ogre like you beat all those wimpy nerds down in the Minor League?! What a joke! It’s a waste of time for me to come all the way over here, only to find that the hotshot novice who’s been the talk of the stadium is nothing but a big-nosed, gaunt, sizable oaf!” Boobwuss Yammerton laughed at the sight of Waluigi.
“Wah?! For your information, buddy, Waluigi is more than meets the eye! Waluigi has traveled the corners of the aftergame, and Waluigi has been blessed by King Grambi himself with these heaven-sent habiliments, as well as a flock of faithful steeds who are patiently awaiting Waluigi’s return in the stables outside the stadium!” Waluigi angrily bit back at Boobwuss Yammerton’s taunting, his party members also turning hostile towards the flashy Bully in the process. “So you best keep your trash talk to yourself, because sooner or later, Waluigi will be nicking that Circuit Break League Cup off of your greasy metallic hide!” Waluigi then warned Boobwuss Yammerton, who broke out the Circuit Break League Cup in response, holding it firmly in his nonexistent hands for emphasis.
“You mean this? Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dream on, Waloser-igi! You ever try to square off against me on the kart racing track out here, and you’ll be worse for wear than the wardrobe malfunction that green-clad pipsqueak you take after committed during the events he went through to defeat that two-headed snake down in Plumpbelly Village!” Boobwuss Yammerton taunted the purple troublemaker some more, and Waluigi was about to bite back at the Bully once more when he managed to get a closer look at the chunk of the Circle of Lightning that was embedded into the Circuit Break League Cup, and raised his eyebrows in surprise, though Boobwuss Yammerton was too distracted by his own ego to notice.
“Wah, wait a minute! Can Waluigi get a closer look at that trophy for a moment, Bright Eyeballs?” Waluigi asked Boobwuss Yammerton, who snapped out of his ego-stroking state and raised a curious eyebrow in response. “Waluigi has no time to explain, just give him a quick peek at that trophy, and then Waluigi will leave you alone.” He requested the Champion, who shrugged his nonexistent shoulders in response and did as he was asked.
“Eh, why the heck not? Since you’re never getting your hands on that trophy in your sorry little life, I might as well humor your silly request to get a glance at it, Elf Guy!” Boobwuss Yammerton chuckled, mocking Waluigi’s ears in the process, which the towering bad actor let slide for the time being as he closely inspected the Circle of Lightning piece that was imbedded in the trophy, letting out an inquisitive hum in the process before nodding in satisfaction with a hum to boot as he backed off again.
“Thanks, Sparkle Minkus. Waluigi has now become a lot wiser in regards to that trophy, so you have Waluigi’s gratitude for that.” Waluigi informed Boobwuss Yammerton with a delightful smile, to which the Champion shrugged his response yet again in unknowingness as to what the thinly-built gentleman was referring to, but not caring either way as he tucked the Circuit Break League Cup away once more. “Well, Waluigi and his friends will leave you to your peace as agreed.” Waluigi then nodded his farewell to the flashy-colored Bully.
“You bet you will! Smell ya later, suckers!” Boobwuss Yammerton bid Waluigi and Company farewell in return as he took his leave from the Major League Quarters again, shutting the door behind him in good manners in spite of his arrogant and narcissistic personality. Once that was taken care of, Waluigi turned towards his party members, who were confused as to what breakthrough their anti-heroic leader had made through his closer inspection of the Circuit Break League Cup, but they would find out soon enough as Waluigi began to speak to his party members in a subsequent manner.
“Guys, Waluigi has come to realize something upon closer inspection of the Circuit Break League Cup; The piece of the Circle of Lightning that’s supposedly built into that trophy is nothing short of a red herring, in other words, a fake piece!” Waluigi informed his party members with a smile, causing his party members to jump in shock at this revelation whilst simultaneously being confused as to why this pleased the hulking instigator so much.
“It is?! But, how come you’re so pleased about this, Mr. Waluigi?! That means we’ve entered the Circuit Break League in an attempt to wrestle our way to the top and win that trophy fair and square for bupkis!” Bloolex responded in complete incomprehension regarding the situation, the rest of the party humming their agreement with this sentiment in response.
“Bloolex is right, Big Purple! Besides, that stool pigeon said the next piece of the Circle of Lightning was hidden away out here on Circuit Break Island! So, if the piece of the Circle of Lightning that was engraved into that trophy is a dud, then where the heck is the real piece?!” Cheesare chimed in his own incomprehension on the matter, after which Waluigi raised his hands at his party members in order to signal them to calm down, in which they did. The purple loose cannon then proceeded to explain the deal to them.
“That, dear friends, is where the second phase of our plot to fight our way into the Championship Position of the Circuit Break League comes in! See, if that chubby little stewed pear of a Mario was able to learn the secrets of the Glitz Pit as he continued to fight his way through the Major League while being guided in secret, then surely, we’d be able to learn the secrets of Circuit Break Island in a similar manner as we continue to race through the Major League standings!” Waluigi told his party members, who glanced at each other with skepticism but nodded in response to Waluigi’s plan, knowing for sure that their purple-garbed team leader knew what he was doing.
Suddenly, the heroes heard a knock on the door of the Major League Quarters, so they opened it, only to find whoever was responsible for knocking was nowhere to be seen. Set down on the ground in front of the Major League Quarters door, however, stood a strange handheld device resembling the Dual Scream from Luigi’s Mansion 2, along with a note attached to it. Waluigi hummed inquisitively as he picked up the device and read the note attached to it. “If you want to find the piece of the Circle of Lightning hidden away on Circuit Break Island, heed my instructions using this Dual Scream Light. - Sincerely, Lucille Merrin” The bad actor in purple read out loud. He then took the note off the Dual Scream Light and turned it on, smiling in delight upon doing so. “Well, WAH-ddaya know?! We’ve got our secret guide to lead us in the right direction of the location of the real piece of the Circle of Lightning!” Waluigi beamed as his party members once again glanced at one another with skepticism, but decided not to question it again, seeing as they had nothing else go off of in terms of the whereabouts of the Circle of Lightning piece that was hidden away out on Circuit Break Island, so they simply went along with it.
Following their introduction to the Major League Quarters of the Circuit Break League and getting acquainted with the mysterious Lucille Merrin, subsequently resting themselves up, Waluigi and Company decided to use the Racing Reservation System to arrange their first race in the Major League, after which they were granted the usage of a Piranha Prowler kart with a purple color scheme, white spots and pink petals by Nicky’s mechanic buddies. Using their new kart, the heroes pulled up to the starting line for the beginning of their first Major League race, and as soon as Florian Kniphofia had given the go-ahead for the racers to take off, the band of brothers took off with screeching tires, ready for any vehicular combat their new Major League opponents were going to throw at them. Soon enough, the first takers showed up in the form of a pair of red Spike Tops made out of red and orange colored jello riding a similarly red and orange colored Mini Beast/Concerto who formed a team known as The Stinger Mat. Waluigi raised a curious eyebrow towards the pair of Spike Tops as they pulled up next to the purple-clad hellion. “Waluigi takes it you wish to battle?” He inquired of the two Spike Tops in an unusually casual tone of voice for this type of situation.
“Wheee, you bet your buttons, Longshanks! It’s gonna be fun poking at you and your buddies!” The Spike Top driving the kart for his team, who also happened to be one of Waluigi’s new Major League Quarters roommates named Spiky Jim, hollered at the towering loose cannon in purple in an excitable tone of voice before he and his teammate proceeded to engage the heroes in battle.
Waluigi proceeded to open the first turn of attack for his party by using a Boomerang Helmet attack, hurling his Koopa Shell-shaped helmet at the pair of Spike Tops to damage them, after which his helmet returned to the hand he threw it with like a boomerang before setting it back down on his head in a subsequent manner. “Get outta here!” Waluigi taunted his opponents in a similar way to how his partner-in-crime, Wario, would taunt enemies while beating them into oblivion during the events of Wario World.
“You better rain-bow down to the power of my rainbows!” Bloolex then chimed in as he used his Somewhere Over The Rainbow attack against his hard-shelled/hard-spiked adversaries, causing them to gibber in pain from the strike of the rainbow the Blooper Retainer launched at them. Cheesare then proceeded to use his Sla-Douken attack against the Spike Tops, yelling out the name of his attack for emphasis, being met with pained yelps from the prickly pair in response. Nicky then closed out his team’s opening turn at combat by using his Home Run attack against the thorny duo, who cried out in pain from the impact of the attack.
“Alright, you’ve had your fun, Longshanks! Now it’s time for us to kick your heinie, man! Observe our savage skills!” Spiky Jim informed Waluigi and Company before attacking them using a move known as Spiky Ballet, which involved having their kart leap up towards the heroes’ kart and striking it with a ballet spin combined with a spinning martial arts kick, making the heroes grunt with impact as The Stinger Mat team and their kart touched back down onto the track in a subsequent fashion. “Good thing you’re said to have a penchant for mid-air swimming, ‘cause you just got burned, Daddy Long Legs!” Spiky Jim then taunted Waluigi and his party with a smug expression resting on his face.
“Yeah? Well, Waluigi finds that you and your pal have poor judgement of character! And Waluigi will show you firsthand as to why that’s confirmed!” Waluigi shot back at Spiky Jim before performing a Swerving Swipe move on his Spike Top opponents, ramming into their Mini Beast/Concerto and causing them to scream in fear. Bloolex followed this up with a Double Rainbow All The Way attack, after which The Stinger Mat garbled in pain. Cheesare then took it up a notch by drenching the Spike Tops with his Ranch Drench attack, leaving Nicky to send the enemy racing team to their doom with another Home Run attack, after which the Mini Beast/Concerto the Spike Tops were driving proceeded to crash into a support pillar of the Circuit Break Stadium, leaving the Spike Tops dropped out of the race, and their heads spinning in a daze as a result from crashing into the aforementioned support pillar, with Waluigi and Company laughing in response as they continued their journey for first place in their debut race in the Circuit Break Major League.
Before Waluigi and Company knew, they found their next pair of demolition derby opponents gaining on them; A two-man team consisting of two Bristles driving a Tiny Titan/Rally Romper with a gray color scheme and a light blue stripe in the middle. “Oh, boy. Not these WAH-nnoying things…Okay, Waluigi…Strategy is everything…” The mischievous mammoth sized man told himself while mentally preparing for his fight against this team of Bristles, who were appropriately named The Petalburg Bristlers.
“Whee hee hee hee! You're gonna taste the pain like it's 2004, giant boyo! And that's not a pretty kind of pain!” The Bristle driving the kart for his team mockingly quipped at Waluigi before initiating combat against the heroes.
“You can't really hurt those Bristle things through any physical means, right? Do any of you have any trinkets or baubles we could whip them out with on yourselves?” Waluigi then asked his party members, who began scanning through their pockets in a subsequent manner before Nicky eventually managed to pull out a POW Block and held it up in triumph. “Wah, that oughta do! Set Doomsday in motion for those pinheads, Nicky!” Waluigi urged his Spiky Parabuzzy friend, who nodded in response as he quickly bashed the POW Block, causing The Petalburg Bristlers and their kart to be flipped over, rendering them out of the race.
“Yeah! What a quake that was! Let's keep moving ahead towards first place, ya hear, dudes?” Nicky suggested to his friends as he cheered over their second victory in their debut race of the Circuit Break Major League, the rest of the party humming their agreement as they continued riding around the main track of the Circuit Break Stadium while battling their way towards the finish line.
As the heroes kept their eyes peeled for any additional challengers, they soon found themselves under attack by a three-man team of Fuzzies, one regular Fuzzy, one Green Fuzzy and one Flower Fuzzy. The three of them were riding in a green, white and blue colored Standard Kart S, and Waluigi exhaled in frustration as he saw these energy draining pests pull up to his kart. “Mamma Mia, Waluigi hates these parasites…” The purple-clothed menace muttered under his breath as he firmly gripped the steering wheel on his kart.
“MEOOOORK! We'll guzzle the gasses out of your bodies by the time we're done with you! MEOOOORK!” The regular Fuzzy screeched at Waluigi and Company, since he was the one driving the kart for his team, who were named Fuzz Power Patrol. He and his teammates then began to fight it out with the heroes.
Opening his team’s first turn at combat once more, Waluigi proceeded to strike the life-tapping fuzzballs with a series of precise purple-hued arrow shots from his crossbow, causing the Fuzzies to squeal in pain. “Have a WAH-ful day!” Waluigi then taunted the Fuzzies in a similar manner to how Wario would taunt enemies by telling them to “Have a rotten day!” in Wario World. Bloolex also decided to switch to gunfire tactics as he grabbed his Peanut Popgun before launching peanut shells at the enemy racing team. Following this, Cheesare drew his blowgun to shoot a set of onion-shaped tranquilizer darts at his opponents. Finally, Nicky also decided to resort to weaponry-based tactics for the time being as he proceeded to grab a set of utility knives from his mechanic belt and use them as throwing knives against Fuzz Power Patrol, dishing out a good amount of damage against them in doing so. The regular Fuzzy was taken out of commission from the abuse it had sustained against the heroes’ assault, forcing the Green Fuzzy to take over the driving controls while the Flower Fuzzy of the bunch hopped out of its team’s kart and onto the heroes’ before attempting to drain their Flower Points, or FP, for short.
Sadly for the Flower Fuzzy, its efforts were thwarted by a well-timed backhanded punch courtesy of Waluigi, causing the Flower Fuzzy to let out a pained beeping noise in response. “Just dare to touch our precious FP with your nonexistent hands, you WAH-ly parasite!” Waluigi subsequently scolded the Flower Fuzzy with a fierce glare and accompanying finger wag as the Flower Fuzzy quickly ducked back into its own team’s kart. Waluigi then proceeded to unleash another round of purple-tinted arrows on his opponents, the onslaught of it proving enough to send the remaining members of Fuzz Power Patrol out of commission as well, while sending their kart colliding into another one of the stadium’s support pillars in the process. Waluigi and Company cheered at a well-earned victory as they continued their journey for the pole position in the race.
Further down the race car track, The Waluigi Fury Roadsters were challenged by another rivaling racing team called The Lickspittle Thrifters, consisting of two Shady Koopas and a Shady Paratroopa, all of which were made out of peanut brittle, with their shells and shoes dyed in blueberry jam. One of the Shady Koopas on the team, Luke Spittle, also happened to be one of the fellow racers bunking with Waluigi and his party members in the Major League Quarters when not racing out on the stadium’s main track.
“You guys remind Waluigi of his old friend, Soarin’ Cal and his men. Waluigi takes it you’re the anti-version of them, yes?” Waluigi then asked The Lickspittle Thrifters with a curious tilt of his head, giving them a long look as he did so. The tortoise litigants glanced towards one another inquisitively in response before breaking out laughing as they mocked Waluigi’s question, much to the purple-dressed firebrand’s chagrin. “So that’s how it’s going to be, is it? Very WAH-ll, then! HAVE AT YOU!” Waluigi declared as he engaged The Lickspittle Thrifters in combat soon after.
Waluigi then initiated the first strike for his party as he performed a Swerving Swipe maneuver on his laughter-prone disputants to deal a devastating amount of damage to the kart they were driving, which happened to be a light brown and blue colored version of the Cheep Charger that the Soaring Shell-Heads from the Minor League drove. The mean-spirited leatherbacks howled in pain in response to this.
“Eat this, you giggling goons!” Bloolex then told his opponents with an angry glare in his eyes as he used his rainbow-based elemental abilities to perform an enhanced version of his Gezora Gash attack, appropriately named the Glittering Gezora Gash as his rainbow-powered halberd now did twice the amount of damage that a regular Gezora Gash attack did, prompting The Lickspittle Thrifters to moan in pain afterwards. Cheesare then proceeded to foliate the bad-mannered motorists with a Cheddar Bombardment attack, evoking a series of distasteful yelps from them in retortion. Nicky, on the other hand, couldn’t think of anything useful to do in this situation, so he opted to do nothing on this turn and sit it out instead. Then it was The Lickspittle Thrifters’ turn to attack Waluigi and Company.
“We’re gonna be pointing and laughing at you guys as soon as you’re pulled out of the smoldering wreckage of your kart once we’re done with you!” Luke Spittle taunted Waluigi and Company with a cocky chortle before opening fire on them with his Calavera Cannon minigun, making the heroes grunt in disdain. The other Shady Koopa on the team followed this up with chain-fire from his Renegade minigun, being met with tormentful growls from the heroes as a result. Finally, the Shady Paratroopa of the bunch closed things out for his team’s turn at attack with one good infernal shot from his Firefighter Precision rifle, leading to the heroes screaming in agony while also having the Burn status ailment inflicted on them at the same time. “Ha, ha! How did you sour-faced suckers like that?!” Luke Spittle then taunted Waluigi and Company with a smug smirk on his face.
“WAH-RGH! Waluigi and his friends are getting a little hot under the collar…!” Waluigi admitted as he and his party members each lost a single HP from the effects of their Burn status ailment, followed by a soft but pained groan. Shortly after, Waluigi lashed out at The Lickspittle Thrifters with a Smart Aleck Slash attack of his whip, earning multiple aching cries from doing so. Bloolex then proceeded to perform a Tentacles of Fury attack on The Lickspittle Thrifters, making them holler in convulsion. Cheesare then plastered them with another Cheddar Bombardment attack, which was enough to send the turtles with a bad attitude down the lanes of defeat as their kart began sputtering and came to a stop on the side of the track. The heroes then mockingly laughed at The Lickspittle Thrifters’ predicament before riding off into the distance of the main track at Circuit Break Stadium.
And that concludes Part 8 of Die WAH With A Vengeance! I’m glad to be getting this story back into the swing of things as a full section after putting it on a temporary hiatus following the end of the Year of Waluigi back in Issue 225! Now that Chapter 5 of Sport Report: The Movie has wrapped up back in Issue 228, it’s time for that section to be put on the backburner for now and let this story take up its slot in Palette Swap’s lineup of section regulars! Anyway, that’s about all I got to say for this month in terms of Author’s Notes, so I hope to see y’all again with Part 9 of this story in Issue 232! Bye!
Diddy Kong Country
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Part 4
Making their way into the depths of the freezing river, the Kong Family found themselves face to face with Aurora Borealfish, which were anglerfish-like enemies that gave off glimmering colors akin to the geomagnetic sensation that was the Northern Lights, hence the name of these enemies. Additional enemies in this level were Penny Floaters, which were penguin-like enemies that were spawned from a Floater Capsule in a similar vein to how Torpedo Teds were spawned from tubes in the Mario series, and as such, these Penny Floaters functioned similarly to Torpedo Teds. The last enemies the Kongs had to deal with in this level were Rosmares, which were walrus-like enemies that tried to eat the Kongs if they happened to get close.
“It wouldn’t be a classic Kong adventure without having to cross at least one stinking cold underwater level, wouldn’t it?” Dixie Kong stated sarcastically as she began using her Bubblegum Blowguns to make short work of the aquatic adversaries that swam in the way of her and her family, with Diddy Kong and Tiny Kong assisting her using their Peanut Popguns and Feather Bow, respectively. Jockey Kong, on the other hand, assisted his grandchildren through a combination of his brute strength and performing corkscrew maneuvers in the water.
“I’m afraid so, Dixie. If Donkey and I had to cross a freezing cold river back in the pioneering days of Kong adventuring, then so do we in this new age of Kong adventuring.” Diddy Kong pointed out to his girlfriend as he fired off peanut shells at the submerged scoundrels that got in the way of him and those he cared about most.
“Best not hang around these frigid depths too long, ‘cause while I’m sure that we aren’t affected by these freezing temperatures of the water, I don’t wish to jinx us and having some kind of outside force do make the temperatures affect us.” Tiny Kong chimed in her thoughts on the matter as she continued to launch feathers in the direction of the wet bandits in the primate protagonists’ path.
“You said it, Tiny Kong. Let’s turn all of these slippery seadogs into frozen fishsticks and then get out of here with the next segment of the Primate Print, shall we?” Jockey Kong suggested as he and his grandchildren continued to battle their way through the cold corridors of the underwater landscapes they currently found themselves holed up in until they managed to reach the exit, hopping out of the freezing waters and grabbing the Primate Print Piece from the chest that awaited them there. “Kong-a-bunga! We found another piece! Let’s keep moving now!” Jockey Kong told his grandchildren with an excitable grin as the four of them left the area to make their way towards the fifth level of Ape Arctic; Polar Bear Pursuit.
Upon entering this fifth level of Ape Arctic, the Kongs came across a snowmobile parked next to a sign that said: “Polar Bears can be hostile, thread with caution”. The Kongs let out an inquisitive hum as they read the sign, wondering what that could mean. Soon enough, a Polar Bear did show up, and it let out an agitated roar upon seeing a handful of intruders in its habitat, causing the Kongs to cry out in fear before they proceeded to hop into the snowmobile, with Diddy Kong in the driver’s seat this time around and Dixie Kong, Tiny Kong and Jockey Kong riding shotgun. The male spidermonkey quickly started up the snowmobile’s engine before taking off at top speed, with the Polar Bear hopping onto a nearby snowboard as it gave chase to the Kongs.
“Gobsmacking grapefruits, seems we’re running into these wild animal chases a lot over the course of this adventure! If there happens to be a sequel to it sometime in the future, I sure hope that whoever’s in charge of making it will be cutting back on the chase sequences, ‘cause this adventure is already a rollercoaster of ruckus as it is!” Diddy Kong chimed with a stressful expression on his face as he tried to stay one step ahead of the Polar Bear at all times, Dixie Kong and Tiny Kong humming their agreement in response.
“Don’t look back the entire time, Diddy! Keep your eyes to the front, and we’ll let you know if that feisty Polar Bear is getting closer!” Dixie Kong suggested to her boyfriend, who hummed his agreement with that idea as he continued keeping his eyes on the snowy roads ahead of him while his girlfriend, sister in-law, and grandfather would keep him up to speed about any additional obstacles that came their way. Such obstacles came in the form of Korsairs riding on skis, Kremploders and Krocketeers riding in snowmobiles of their own, Booty Birds dropping bombs from their talons on the Kongs, and snow leopard-like enemies named Taigas that leapt out of the snowfields that camouflaged them before attempting to pounce the Kongs. “Taigas at three o’clock!” Dixie Kong warned Diddy Kong, who promptly ran evasive maneuvers to dodge the snow-dwelling felines in response.
“Apples to apples and durians to durians! Thanks a bundle for the warning, Dixie! If it weren’t for that, we would’ve been Taiga food right about now!” Diddy told his girlfriend with a grateful smile before shifting his focus back towards the frozen tundra ahead of him. Meanwhile, the rest of the Kongs continued to keep their eyes peeled for any additional obstacles for Diddy to dodge. Jockey soon spotted one such hazard.
“Kremploders at nine o’clock!” Jockey warned his grandson, who quickly evaded the oncoming Kremling attackers in a subsequent manner, after which the Kremploders crashed their snowmobile into a nearby tree, before promptly being mowed down by the Polar Bear that was still in hot pursuit of the Kongs, who quickly gobbled up the Kremploders before going after the monkey/ape-like heroes once more. “Suffering strawberries, that Polar Bear sure is hungry if he can devour two full-grown Kremlings like it’s nothing! Keep the pedal to the metal, grandson, or else we might be next on that beast’s plate!” Jockey warned his grandson after grimacing upon the sight of the Polar Bear eating the two Kremploders alive.
“You got it, grandpa!” Diddy replied with a determined scowl on his face as he continued to steer the snowmobile through the stone cold peninsulas ahead of him and his family. If he were to prove that he could step out of Donkey Kong’s shadow and become a videogame hero in his own right, he was going to show that he could protect his family members from impending grave danger like this without too much issue.
“Korsairs on skis at six o’clock!” Tiny Kong warned Diddy Kong, who then moved out of the way, causing the Korsairs to speed right past them on their skis before slamming right into a solid frozen rock. The Polar Bear then proceeded to feed on the Korsairs whilst crashing straight through the solid frozen rock, its burly stature in combination with its anger-powered adrenaline proven to be strong enough to achieve such a thing. The sight of this frightened the Kongs, which Diddy could sense as he continued to drive the snowmobile down the snowy hills as he could so as to try and put his family at ease. “Drop the hammer, Diddy! We gotta catch some serious speed, like, right now!” Tiny Kong informed her brother-in-law with a worrisome expression resting on her face, to which Diddy nodded his understanding.
“I’m driving as fast as I can, Tiny! If only we had something we could throw at that blasted Polar Bear to try and slow it down…!” Diddy Kong informed his sister-in-law before seeing a pretty big boulder appearing over the horizon and getting an idea. “Hey, granddad! Think you could grab that boulder and hurl it at that Polar Bear?” The male spidermonkey asked his grandfather, who grinned and nodded his affirmation in response.
“You bet, Diddy, my boy! My old man wasn’t the original Donkey Kong for nothing, ya know! Watch and learn, this is how you chuck rolling projectiles like it’s 1981!” Jockey Kong told his grandchildren as he quickly grabbed the boulder out of the snowy masses before hurling it at the Polar Bear with all his might, successfully striking the arctic predator in the gut and knocking him off his snowboard with a pained yelp in the process. Diddy, Dixie and Tiny cheered for Jockey’s well-timed boulder toss as the middle-aged gorilla bowed in response to the praise his grandkids were giving him. “Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all evening.” Jockey jokingly stated as the Kongs could now continue on towards the end of the level without having to worry about any ticked off wild animals hunting them down. After driving the snowmobile in a bit more of a relaxed manner over the next distance, the heroes managed to reach the level’s end as they hopped out of the snowmobile and cracked open the treasure chest holding the Primate Print Piece at the end.
“Wahoo! We got another Primate Print Piece! Let’s keep this up and head on over to the next frigid peninsula the Kremlings have got in store for us!” Diddy Kong cheered upon pocketing the next segment of the Primate Print before he and his family hurried off towards the sixth and final regular final level of Ape Arctic; Iceberg Upsurge. As the name of the level suggested, it took place on a giant iceberg drifting along the coast of the Ape Arctic, with the Kongs having to face multiple Korsairs, Kremploders, Krocketeers and land-based penguin-like enemies called Bezlos, which walked back and forth unprovoked, but once they caught sight of the Kongs, they would turn hostile and charge towards them.
“Boy, am I glad we’re almost done in these icy moors, ‘cause I’ve had it up to here slipping and sliding away at these frosty undergrounds!” Dixie Kong expressed as she and her fellow primates watched their step as they crossed the iceberg they were currently perched on top of while avoiding being sent plummeting into the chilly chasms lurking below them by the Kremlings that also roamed the iceberg’s slippery walkways.
“Yeah, I’m not gonna lie when I say that I’ll be glad once we grab the Kremkoin off the Big Boss that King K. Rool has posted out here, we’ll be able to move on towards warmer parts for the next stop of our adventure. Being born and raised in tropical climates, I’m not exactly made for wintry biomes such as this one.” Diddy Kong admitted in response to his girlfriend’s gripes about the gleam glaciers they’ve been monkeying around all day long.
“That makes three of us, you guys. Because quite frankly, I’m starting to get a little sick of stomping around in the snow and ice myself.” Tiny Kong admitted too as she picked off the Kremling Krew’s assailants with her Feather Bow along the way. Meanwhile, Jockey Kong used the iceberg’s slippery surfaces to his advantage to knock out Kremlings with a series of powerful sliding punches. Even the middle-aged gorilla wouldn’t lie; he'd be glad once he and his grandchildren could leave Ape Arctic behind them, however.
“Mm-hm, I’m with you on that one, grandchildren. I’ve spent most of my time in either tropical or urban climates, so these shivering snowfields aren’t exactly suitable for my tastes either.” Jockey Kong chimed in his thoughts on the musings of his grandchildren regarding the arctic biomes they were rather close to getting out of by now. A little while after this conversation had wrapped up, the Kongs made it to the end of the level, breaking open the treasure chest that held the final Primate Print Piece hidden away in Ape Arctic, and grinned triumphantly upon doing so. “Monkey muscle, we’ve got all map segments hidden away in this wintry wasteland! Now let’s go bust up that Big Boss and collect their Kremkoin!” Jockey Kong suggested to the younger Kong trio before the four of them made haste to reach the boss level of Ape Arctic; Apebonimo’s Ambush, which took place inside the snowy caves of what appeared to be a hybrid between a Kong and an Abominable Snowman called an Apebominable Snowkong, or an Apebonimo for short.
Upon entering the lair of this furry beast, it let out an agitated roar, causing the Kongs to yelp in fear before recollecting themselves and engaging the Apebonimo in battle. For the first phase of the battle, the Apebonimo’s main method of attack was stomping around and leaping short distances into the air in an attempt to throw off the Kongs and damaging them in the process, leading to the Kongs trying to study the beast’s battle plan as a means of developing a strategy of their own to use against their frigid foe.
While Dixie and Tiny positioned themselves on both sides of the battle arena to confuse the Apebomino and cause it to go into a state of dizziness, Diddy and Jockey made work of jumping on the Apebonimo’s head to damage it. They repeated this strategy for three more hits before the Apebonimo began to angrily stomp the ground underneath itself, causing its fur to change to a shade of indigo and initiating the second phase of the battle. For this second phase of the battle, the Apebonimo began to pound on the icy walls, causing icicles to drop down from the ceiling to try and damage the Kongs. The Kongs proceeded to run evasive maneuvers to avoid being impaled by these icicles before jumping on top of them and using the height boost to jump on the Apebonimo’s head once more, repeating this strategy for another three hits before the Apebonimo began to angrily stomp its feet once more, its fur changing to a shade of violet in the process and initiating the third and final phase of the battle against it.
For this third and final phase of the battle, the Apebonimo called upon a trio of miniature versions of itself to assist it in battle, and once the Kongs jumped on the miniature Apebonimos, they could use them as throwing projectiles against the fully grown Apebonimo, which they did so for about nine times to defeat the wintry Sasquatch-Kong hybrid, with the beast letting out a dying screech before spiraling into the background and disappearing into a white puff of smoke, similar to Morton Koopa Jr., Ludwig von Koopa and Roy Koopa in Super Mario World. The Apebonimo then proceeded to leave behind the Kremkoin it was guarding for King K. Rool, and as soon as Diddy had grabbed the Kremkoin, he proceeded to turn his Nintendo hat backwards on his head, put on a pair of sunglasses, break out a boombox and begin rapping, similar to Donkey Kong Country 2 whenever he would get a perfect score at the End of the Level Target or defeat a boss.
“Job well done, grandson! We’ve managed to grab another Kremkoin, and thus gotten another step closer to unlocking the mystery of your long-lost mother! Let’s go grab my motorcycle and get the heck outta here!” Jockey Kong praised his grandson for another well-deserved victory against the Kremling Krew’s head honchoes before the Kongs proceeded to hightail it out of there, get back on Jockey’s motorcycle, and move on to the next world they would be traversing through on their current adventure.
After another day’s worth of driving, the Kongs had arrived at the eighth destination of their adventure; The Temple of Lost Kongs. The area was made up of various ruins that resembled those from Ancient Egypt, and there were also various rocky terrains spread across the area, making for a paradise for archeologists from around the Mushroom World such as Professor Kolorado and Kooper, Goombella and Professor Frankly, Captain Toad and his Brigade, and other such individuals. The Kongs then proceeded to enter the first level that made up the Temple of Lost Kongs area; Raiders of the Lost Banana.
This first level of the Temple of Lost Kongs took place inside a temple that resembled the one featured in the opening scene from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. It had a bunch of Korsairs walking around, as well as a handful of Krembades, Rongeurchiers, Bruitioners, along with some enemies native to the area, such as mummified Kremlings named Krumbles, anthropomorphic spear-wielding tribal gazelle enemies named Impalers and quadrupedal spectacled bear enemies named Bitey Bears, which functioned similar to Chain Chomps, since they were leashed to wooden poles and would try to bite the Kongs if they happened to get close. Nevertheless, the Kongs looked around in awe as they made their way through the enemy-infested and booby trap-ridden corridors of the temple.
“So this is where our next leg of the search for Diddy’s mother is gonna go down, is it? I could certainly live with that! No one feels more at home in a dungeon than me! It’s my pièce de résistance, I guess you could say!” Dixie Kong expressed giddily with an excitable giggle to boot as she began to gun down the Kremlings in her way with her Bubblegum Blowguns.
“I’m with you on that one, Dixie. I enjoy running around through dungeons like these myself, since they make for the perfect playground for a spidermonkey like me to get the exercise he needs to stay in adventuring shape.” Diddy Kong chimed in his agreement with his girlfriend’s excitement about the current area they would be venturing through for this next stop of their adventure. He then drew his Peanut Popguns and began using them to blast any Kremling who blocked the route towards the end of the level.
“I’ll say. I feel like a little kid again when I find myself bounding through exotic temples like this one, quite literally, since I actually ventured through them when I was a little kid back in ‘99, filming the events of Donkey Kong 64. Seems like a lifetime ago, now that I’m mentioning it…” Tiny Kong gave her ten cents on the matter as she began to feel nostalgic about her videogame hero debut nearly thirty years ago. Regardless, she cocked her Feather Bow and began laying down a firestorm on her reptilian rogue gallery ahead of her.
“Yeah, I’ll bet my nonexistent boots that ancient ruins like these are loaded with old memories of days past for you grandkids. Can’t say they hold any fond memories for me, since I don’t exactly recall traveling through these types of landscapes back when I was in circulation, but that’s okay, since I can now travel through them in the present day, so there’s a first time for everything.” Jockey Kong nodded his agreement with the musings of his grandchildren with an excited smile as he slugged Kremlings in the face with his muscular fists, picked up and threw the Kremlings, or rolled into them to wipe them out.
Soon enough, the Kongs had reached the end of the level by filling the time discussing the area they were currently exploring, after which they grabbed the Primate Print Piece that was hidden inside a golden treasure chest sitting on a pedestal, after which they quickly headed to the second level that made up the Temple of Lost Kongs; Rolling Stone Rampage.
Upon entering this second level, the Kongs accidentally activated a booby trap that caused a large boulder to drop down from the ceiling and begin rolling towards the Kongs, similar to the boulder that came after Indiana Jones in the aforementioned opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark. The Kongs yelped in fright as they noticed the boulder coming towards them and began making a run for it. “Yikes! We really oughta be careful with where we set foot within these ruins, ‘cause next thing you know, we find ourselves on the run for dear life at the nonexistent hands of a booby trap like this!” Dixie Kong grimaced in fright as she and her family continued to flee for their lives from the boulder that was on their tails.
“Babbling bananas, you could say that again, Dixie! Guess that’s one lesson we’ve managed to learn from monkeying around in this particular level!” Diddy Kong chimed in with an equally frightened grimace as he continued to run as fast as his nimble chimp feet could carry him, with Dixie, Tiny and Jockey following his lead in doing so. On the way out of this boulder chase, the Kongs also came across Korsairs, Krumbles and Impalers, who proved little resistance to the heroes as they proceeded to simply jump over these enemies, after which they were flattened by the oncoming boulder, defeating them instantly.
“Cor blimey, I certainly don’t remember coming across any booby trap related hijinks like this back in ‘99 when filming Donkey Kong 64! And if I did come across them during that time, those booby traps must have slipped my mind since then!” Tiny Kong shrieked with a frightened expression as she continued to run as fast as she could. Fortunately, the Kongs managed to escape being flattened by the boulder in the nick of time as they passed through a corridor too small for the boulder to fit through, so it crashed into the wall the corridor was engraved inside of, after which the Kongs took a moment to catch their breath after such an exhilarating chase scene. “Ah, thank Grambi we made it out of there alive…” Tiny Kong exhaled in relief, the other Kongs voicing their agreement in response.
“Boy, I’ll say…While I’m far from being as raggedy and worn out in comparison to my old man, Cranky, I can definitely tell that I’m a bit out of shape after not having adventured for over more than a decade, I tell ya what…” Jockey Kong chimed in as he felt the side effects of middle age kicking in at the aftermath of that chase scene. He soon recomposed himself, however, and so did the younger Kongs once they had caught their breath as well. “No matter, though. Let’s go grab the next segment of the Primate Print and get a move on.” Jockey urged the fourth Kong generation, after which they nicked the Primate Print piece from the nearby treasure chest and advanced further into the Temple of Lost Kongs, towards the third level of the area; Oriental Overpass.
This third level of the Temple of Lost Kongs area took place on multiple stone walkways spread out across the exterior of the ruins in the locality. Multiple Korsairs, Kremploders and Krocketeers, as well as Klaptraps, Klampons and Krembades made up the Kremling Krew’s infantry that patrolled the walkways, with enemies native to the region consisting of three-horned venomous green snakes named Tritons, flying green-hued reptilian creatures named Aeroxis, and Tongoons, a variant of Frogoons and Hopgoons that attacked the Kongs by launching its tongue at them.
“Nice to be out of those dank temple corridors for a change and getting to move along the outside of the temples instead. Now let’s keep up our Kong Quest of these precincts, shall we?” Dixie Kong suggested to her family members after commenting on the level they were currently monkeying their way through. The other Kongs hummed in affirmation before beginning to wallop the Kremlings and their native allied uglies on their way towards the end of the level in an attempt to reach the treasure chest waiting for them there.
“These walkways sure are nifty! Wish we had them in abundance back home in the Kongo Jungle so I could go for a morning run or do my morning gymnastics on them every day!” Diddy Kong remarked with an excitable smile as he glanced around the outside of the temple and the walkways it held, simultaneously using his Peanut Popguns to pelt his opponents with peanut shells.
“Perhaps something to consider building for yourself once this adventure is over and we get home for the obligatory downtime?” Tiny Kong suggested to her brother-in-law while launching feathers from the Feather Bow at the wide array of Kremlings and other unfriendly faces that tried to stand in her way. Diddy hummed his agreement with that idea in response, smiling for emphasis of his approval of the idea.
“Not a bad idea, for sure! Thanks for bringing it to my attention, Tiny! I’ll definitely keep it in the back of my mind for when we get home in the aftermath of our current adventure!” Diddy Kong responded gratefully to his sister-in-law for proposing the DIY project; Both to make real his dream of having walkways to monkey around on back home, and to give him something to do during the downtime in between this adventure and the next one.
“You’re really making progress in improving your mental health for the better, grandson! You’re already thinking ahead for what to do in between the future adventures you’re going to have as soon as you’ve set foot outside your uncle Donkey’s shadow! And I’m proud of you for that!” Jockey Kong chimed in with a prideful grin towards his grandson, pleased with all the improvement he was making in such a short amount of time. Soon enough, the Kongs had reached the end of the level once more, their conversation being enough to pass the time in bounding through the level from start to finish, subsequently cracking open the treasure chest that waited for them by the level exit and cashing the Primate Print Piece that was locked away inside of it. Exchanging a series of high fives afterward, the Kongs then hurried along towards the fourth level of the Temple of Lost Kongs; Sanctuary Scamper.
This fourth level took place inside one of the many temples littered across the rocky region once more, with the Kongs having to cross many moving platforms whilst fighting off Korsairs, Kremploders and Krocketeers, alongside bat-like enemies called Echo-Relocaters, which came in green and purple hued variants that helped them to blend into their respective environments. Additional native enemies the Kongs had to face in this level included Bandooks, which were miniature Bengal Tigers that attempted to crush the Kongs by dropping square-shaped cinder blocks off of ledges onto their heads, as well as vulture-esque enemies named Chaturnals that flew in place in a vertical manner in an attempt to block the Kongs’ way and damage them if they came in contact.
“Vultures and tigers and bats, oh my! How cliché to feature wild animals like these in an exotic environments such as this one! Whoever’s in charge of writing these adventures ain’t original, I tell you…” Dixie Kong sarcastically quipped as she lobbed chunks of bubblegum from her Blowguns at the oncoming array of enemies to strike them down and prevent them from laying an unkind hand upon the Kongs in the process.
“Better to have enemies suitable to an environment such as this than the other way around with enemies that are completely out of place in my opinion, but that’s probably just me.” Diddy Kong shrugged with a confused pout to boot before pulling out his Peanut Popguns to rain down peanut shell fire upon the numerous assailants that came the way of the protagonistic primate posse. Tiny Kong hummed her agreement with Diddy’s sentiments as she ejected a cartridge of feathers from her Feather Bow into the armed band of adversaries that tried to whip them out, while Jockey Kong simply cuffed them in the kisser with his paws.
“Diddy’s right on the nose in that regard, big sis. Besides, you don’t have to give your opinion on every single level we have to traverse over the course of a level. If you don’t have anything else to say, it’s perfectly fine to say nothing at all.” Tiny Kong pointed out to her older sister, to which Jockey Kong hummed his agreement with this inclination while leaping his way across the many tricky moving platforms spread out across the current level.
“Amen to that. While I enjoy sarcastic quips as much as the next Gen X’er, there’s a time and place for them, with too much sarcasm being about as unhealthy as too little sarcasm, know what I mean, Dixie, my girl?” Jockey Kong asked his granddaughter-in-law to make sure she understood where he was going with his musings. Dixie Kong reluctantly nodded her understanding with an affirmative hum to boot in response. “Monkey muscle, that’s great to hear! Let’s keep on going ape out here while hunting down the remainder of the segments of the Primate Print then, shall we?” Jockey Kong suggested as his face lit up with glee once more as he continued to take the lead through the tricky corridors of the temples.
Before the Kongs knew it, they had managed to reach the end of the level, having successfully braved all the obstacles and fended off all the Kremling Kutthroats and Terra Firma Tuff Guys in the way of completing the level. They then unlocked the treasure chest standing next to the level exit, claiming the fourth specimen of the Primate Print hidden away at the Temple of Lost Kongs, then began to head towards the fifth level of the area; Rope Bridge Rush.
As per the level’s name suggesting, it took place along the exteriors of the temples in the area once more, where the Kongs had to cross multiple rope bridges suspended over several abysses littered with sharp rocks that could fatally wound anyone who fell into the depths. Standing in the way of the Kongs’ efforts of preventing such a heinous fate were a regiment of Korsairs, Kremploders Krembades, in addition to a handful of enemies native to the region, such as a variant of Chaturnals named Natakanals who launched lychee nuts out of their beaks to harm the Kongs, alongside chameleon-like enemies named Labakaimos who spit out a swarm of firefly-esque enemies named Jugnu Agas before sending them after the Kongs.
Even with the fighting room on the narrow pathways of the rope bridges being limited, the Kongs managed to hold their ground against the Kremlings and their local comrades decently enough, whether it be thanks to Diddy’s acrobatic skills such as cartwheeling, Dixie’s ponytail whipping the antagonistic forces out of commission, Tiny’s fisticuffs leaving them in an unconscious state, or Jockey’s raw strength sending them into seeing a flurry of stars and birdies floating around their heads, the gallery of reptilian rogues and area-specific accomplices had little means of standing up against the might of the Kong Family, who reached the end of the level sooner or later, after which they broke open the treasure chest resting on a stone plateau next to the exit, collecting the fifth shred of the Primate Print in the process.
“Fantastic! Now we've got one more piece of the Primate Print left to find out here before we can pit ourselves against the Big Boss that King K. Rool has assigned to guard one of his many Kremkoins!” Tiny Kong beamed before she and the other Kongs quickly moved on to the sixth and final regular level of the Temple of Lost Kongs area; Slickrock Scramble.
This sixth and final regular level of the area also took place in the outdoor regions away from the temples, up on the rocky mountain paths with the multiple temples being able to be seen in the distance from there. Korsairs, Krembades, Klaptraps and Klampons made up the array of Kremling Kutthroats that the Kongs had to face in this level, while the lineup of generic baddies consisted of Bruitioners, Rongeurchiers, and jumping aardvark-resembling enemies named Erdwarkerds who attacked the Kongs by pouncing on them, similar to Bucho, the second of The Three Little Pigheads from Super Mario Land 2.
“It might be a matter of taste, but I’m absolutely in love with this view! You can see the whole valley and the ruins that it holds from up here! Plus, it brings back memories of the time my old man, Cranky and I took Mayor Pauline of New Donk City to the Rocky-Valley back in ‘94!” Jockey Kong remarked with excitement, grinning for emphasis as he bounded through the mountainous trails on the edge of the region.
“Speaking of Pauline, what the heck is up with that teenage version of her in Donkey Kong Bananza anyway? I mean, it’s bad enough that Nintendo chose to shove me to the sideline in favor of putting her in place of being Donkey’s sidekick, but what is she exactly from a continuity viewpoint? Is she supposed to be interpreted as a younger version of the Pauline we’ve seen in other games prior to Bananza, just like the infant versions of the Mario gang, who went on to appear alongside their adult selves in many of the Mario spin-off games? Is she intended to be a separate character from the adult Pauline? I mean, it boggles my brain to no end!” Diddy Kong chimed in, baffled by how the thirteen-year-old Pauline who appeared in Donkey Kong Bananza is supposed to be interpreted within the Mario franchise’s lore.
“Better not think about it too much, Diddy. You might end up breaking your brain in doing so, and should that happen, we’re going to need to put you through therapy, and with psychoanalysis already being a mess as it is in the present day, I really wanna refrain from having to get in touch with a therapist as much as possible.” Dixie Kong pointed out to her boyfriend, who reluctantly nodded his agreement with this.
“You’re right, Dixie. I shouldn’t be overthinking such a thing, especially when it’s already plunged me into a psychological gorge once, and I sure as heck don’t wanna be plunged into another one of those gorges so soon.” Diddy Kong replied as he began cartwheeling his way through another barrage of bad guys that tried to take on the protagonistic primate posse. Dixie assisted him in this by swinging her ponytail at the unfriendly faces, with Tiny following this example by using her own set of twin ponytails to smack the everloving daylights out of the uglies the Kongs came up against. Jockey, on the other hand, tried something new in the form of body slamming his enemies using his immense body build and accompanying weight, a tactic that proved to be highly effective, and Jockey grinned as he marveled at his own genius of inventing new attack tactics against the crocodile contenders.
“That’s the spirit, grandson! Glad to hear you’re doing your very best to not dwell on the confusing aspects of life in the Mushroom World, especially those that have gone on to hurt you on an emotional level! Now let’s keep moving ahead towards a better tomorrow for yourself, eh?” Jockey Kong once again praised Diddy Kong for his efforts in overcoming his mental struggles as the foursome of heroes traveled further through the mountain lanes until they eventually managed to reach the level’s end, grabbing the Primate Print Piece from the treasure chest situated on top of another stone plateau situated next to the level exit.
“Woohoo! We’ve got all the map pieces in the area! Now let’s go and fight it out with the Big Boss of the place so we can loot their Kremkoin and move on to our penultimate destination of our adventure!” Diddy Kong beamed as he high fived his girlfriend, sister-in-law and grandfather in a following manner, then took the lead as the Kongs made their way towards the boss level of the Temple of Lost Kongs; Anubis’ Ambush.
The boss level took place within the highest point of the tallest temple located within the valley, which served as the lair of Anubis, a tall and muscle-bound anthropomorphic black-furred jackal named and designed after the Egyptian god of the same name. As the Kongs ascended the ladder that led into his lair, the jackal snarled at the Kongs while brandishing his silver quarterstaff with two golden pointed tips attached to it at the apes, who shrieked in alarm because of this. They then engaged Anubis in combat.
For the first phase of his fight against the Kongs, Anubis leapt in short distances over his foes before swinging his quarterstaff at them in either a clockwise or counterclockwise motion in an attempt to damage them. He repeated this maneuver thrice before a TNT Barrel was launched out of a part of the wall of Anubis’ lair where a golden mask resembling that of the Egyptian pharaoh, Tutankhamen was hung; Said mask would slide up with the noise of a camera lens extending and moving whenever a TNT Barrel was launched out before sliding back down into place. The Kongs proceeded to use these TNT Barrels to hurl at Anubis and damage him subsequently, keeping up this process until Anubis angrily roared at them while his fur changed to a lighter silver shade.
With this, the second phase of the fight against Anubis was ushered in. During this phase, Anubis leapt in an arc over the Kongs’ heads before then attempting to charge them while rapidly twirling his quarterstaff around, forcing the Kongs to jump over the jackal to avoid being struck. Once Anubis had performed this attack three times, the golden pharaoh mask on the wall once again slid upwards to drop the Kongs a present in the form of a TNT Barrel before sliding downwards again. The Kongs made use of these TNT Barrels thrice more, after which Anubis once again furiously snarled at them, his fur changing to a snow white shade in the process while simultaneously initiating the third and final phase of the fight.
At the start of the final phase, Anubis proceeded to chant some incantation that caused deadly spikes to emerge from the walls of his lair, after which a strong gust of wind began billowing through the room, forcing the Kongs to keep moving forward if they wished to prevent the wind from sending them colliding into the spiked walls and being skewered. Meanwhile, they also had to avoid Anubis as he performed front flips while swinging his quarterstaff around in midair. At least, until the jackal had done so three times before collapsing on the ground from dizziness, allowing the Kongs to strike him with another TNT Barrel that was dispensed from the hole in the wall where the pharaoh mask hung. They repeated this three more times before Anubis was sent crashing through the hole in the wall, taking out the pharaoh mask alongside him, rendering him defeated. Picking up the Kremkoin the jackal relinquished, they began to joyfully celebrate their victory over another one of the Kremlings’ Kommanders.
“Kong-a-bunga! We’ve got eight Kremkoins now! Unless I’m mistaken, we’ve got about two of them left to collect!” Diddy Kong cheered as he happily jumped up and down. “That means I’m this close to being reunited with my long-lost mother!” He added as well before quickly bolting out of the room, eager to get going towards the ninth destination of his epic quest, with Dixie, Tiny and Jockey quickly following his lead. The four Kongs then got back on Jockey’s motorcycle before riding off into the sunset, riding towards their penultimate stop; Nocturne City - An ultramodern city akin to Twilight City from Mario vs Donkey Kong, coated in perpetual nighttime, hence the name of the area.
Diddy, Dixie and Tiny looked around Nocturne City in awe as the Kongs arrived in the ultramodern urbanized location, Jockey chuckling in amusement as he saw his grandchildren’s expressions of wonder. “Bet you’ve never seen a place like this, eh? For me, big cities like this are a Tuesday! Maybe by the time we’re done with our adventure, we’ll come back here sometime when we can explore it in our own free time!” The middle-aged gorilla suggested to his grandchildren before the quarter of Kongs entered the first level of Nocturne City; First Avenue Breakthrough.
As the name of the level suggested, it was a linear level taking place on the ground level streets of Nocturne City, with a bunch of Korsairs patrolling back and forth, as well as Krocketeers, as well as aerial Kremling enemies that functioned similar to Kopters from Donkey Kong Country 3 - They were named Kruisers, and were essentially Kopters dressed in formal navy attire. Finally, the level introduced a Kremling enemy that was native to Nocturne City - Karpenters, which were essentially Kritters wearing carpenter’s clothing and walked back and forth with a ladder held underneath their arms.
The level was relatively simple enough for the Kongs to make their way through, with the Kremlings roaming the streets proving not to be much of a challenge towards them. “Well, that was a bit of an anti-climactic introduction to the penultimate destination of our adventure, wasn’t it?” Diddy Kong asked with an inquisitive hum and accompanying pout, to which Dixie, Tiny and Jockey shrugged their shoulders before Diddy shrugged his own shoulders in return, then unlocked the treasure chest at the end of the level, which was modeled after a carpenter’s toolbox. “Ah well, I suppose that things can only get more challenging in the area from here on out.” Diddy then reasoned out loud as he pulled the Primate Print Piece hidden inside the chest out of it, after which he and the rest of the Kongs moved on to the second level of Nocturne City; Construction Yard Clash.
This second level took place inside a construction yard that resembled the 25m stage from the original Donkey Kong arcade game, with Korsairs guarding the steel girders the Kongs had to cross in order to reach the level’s end, being aided in their duties by other Kremling enemies native to Nocturne City such as Konstrukters, who were essentially Kritters dressed as construction workers, Kremolitioners, who were essentially Krushas dressed as construction workers, and Krankers, which were miniature Kremlings in construction work gear operating crank-powered elevators who dropped tools such as hammers, wrenches and saws on the Kongs’ heads. “Donkey Kong says that he’s always heard Cranky boasting about “whisking off maidens and chucking barrels seven days a week” in construction yards like these back when he was a young ape. I’m sure that one day, I’ll follow in the old man’s footsteps and fight it out with small, overweight plumbers on top of steel girders like these.” Diddy Kong jokingly stated with a cheeky smirk curling onto his lips.
Dixie, Tiny and Jockey laughed in response to this joking statement. “Maybe you’ll end up taking maidens across big cities, forests, ships, jungles, deserts, airplanes, icebergs, rocky valleys and towers as well.” Jockey sarcastically stated as he began bashing the Kremling construction workers roaming the steel girders with his bare fists, sending them plummeting down to the grounds of the construction yard in the process. Diddy also laughed in response as he assisted his grandfather by cartwheeling his way into the Kremling construction workers, causing them to fall all the way down to the bottom floors of the yard while simultaneously trying to avoid slipping off and crashing down himself. Dixie and Tiny also assisted through the usage of their ponytails to bash the everloving daylights out of the Kremling building force as the Kongs slowly but surely scaled their way to the top of the yard, which served as the level’s end, and as such, the treasure chest keeping the next segment of the Primate Print was located up there as well.
Diddy Kong then subsequently bust open the chest and nicked the Primate Print segment out of it, after which the young spidermonkey and his family members made haste to move on to the third level of Nocturne City; Rooftop Rumble. As the name of the level seemed to suggest, it took place along the rooftops of the stores that stood along the shopping districts of the city. The Kremling Krew’s infantry patrolling the rooftops in this level consisted of Korsairs, Krocketeers, Kruisers and Karpenters.
“Jumping across rooftops while beating the smarmy slop out of every bad guy in sight? Reminds me of the Kong Fu movies I used to watch with Donkey Kong when I was little. So in that sense, this level brings back some of the more fonder memories I’ve had when I was rolling with Donkey as his sidekick.” Diddy remarked with a nostalgic smile curling onto his lips as he reminisced out loud while he shimmied across the store roofs, roughing up reptilian rogues along the way. Jockey hummed his agreement with his grandson’s sentiments as he clobbed his crocodilian contenders in their leathery lineaments.
“Tell me about it. When I was little and Cranky was still in his prime, we would spend the evenings sitting in front of the telly and watching Kong Fu films for hours on end ourselves, so a level like this is a real stroll down memory lane for me as well.” Jockey replied to Diddy’s musings as he continued to bash the bananas out of the Kremling Krew’s troops. Dixie and Tiny hummed their agreement with the men’s reminiscence as they laid down gunfire from their Bubblegum Blowguns and Feather Bow, respectively.
“You’re not alone. When Tiny and I were little, our mom, whose name is Jambi Kong, by the way, would let us watch Kong Fu films every Friday night while she sat on the couch behind us knitting scarves until the midnight hour. So we’re getting a real nostalgic boost from running around through premises like these ourselves.” Dixie Kong chimed in as Tiny hummed her agreement with her big sister’s statement in response.
“Mhm. It really makes me wonder how mum is doing right now. Last I heard of her, she moved into a retirement home at the edge of the Kongo Jungle. Once this adventure is over, me and Dixie really oughta pay her a visit sometime to thank her for all those late nights of watching martial arts films and scarf knitting.” Tiny mused out loud herself, to which Diddy and Jockey hummed their affirmation with a nod to boot.
Because of their conversation filling up the time they took to get through the level, the Kongs had made it to the end of the level and the accompanying treasure chest with the next chunk of the Primate Print stored away inside rather quickly, prompting Jockey to bang on the chest to get it to open so he could grab the Primate Print shred out of it. “Alrighty then, we’re halfway done with our scavenger hunt through this ultramodern metropolis! Let’s go ahead and tackle the second half of it just as swiftly, eh?” Jockey suggested to his grandkids, who nodded their agreement before the Kongs made their way towards the fourth level of Nocturne City; Skyscraper Scale.
In this fourth level, the Kongs had to climb up the numerous scaffolding set up alongside one of Nocturne City’s skyscrapers while avoiding a gigantic moth monster that resembled Mothra from the Godzilla franchise. This monster was named Shining-Mitey, and its attacks included launching moth balls from its jaws at the Kongs, dropping shedded wings on their heads, and simply swooping down to knock them off the scaffolding to their deaths.
“Leaping lychees! What is that thing?!” Diddy Kong asked in shock as he noticed Shining-Mitey flying around the skyscraper while he and his family were trying to climb their way to the top of it. Dixie, Tiny and Jockey were just as astonished by the appearance of the gigantic moth monster as it subsequently swooped down, forcing the Kongs to duck underneath its sky dives, then quickly got back up as they began to make their way further up the scaffolding to reach the top of the skyscraper. “Well, whatever it is, one false move, and it’ll send us falling to our doom. So let’s stay on our toes and stay out of its attack window.” Diddy then suggested to his family as he proceeded to take the lead and guide his loved ones up the tower, avoiding Shining-Mitey’s relentless attacks along the way.
Shining-Mitey wasn’t the only problem the Kongs had to worry about in this level, however; A handful of Kremling troops such as Korsairs, Kremploders, Krembades and Kruisers also forced them to plan their moves very carefully unless they wished to be sent plummeting into a bottomless pit and end up dying in the process. “I don’t think we’ve ever had to deal with a being that big during any of our adventures before, so this really is something else!” Dixie Kong remarked as she continued to keep her eyes on the skies so she would know when Shining-Mitey would come soaring and mow down the Kongs while it did.
“It really makes Dogadon look like small fry, for sure!” Tiny Kong remarked as she remembered the oversized dragonfly boss that Diddy Kong and Chunky Kong came up against during the events of Donkey Kong 64. She then lent her loved ones her aid by shooting the Kremlings that stood in their way with her Feather Bow, thus giving them more room to evade the aerial assaults from Shining-Mitey. “I’m not gonna lie that I’ll prefer Dogadon and this thing over any of those annoying Zinger bosses that Donkey, Diddy and Dixie have faced in the past, for sure! I mean, that Prince Prickly beast we faced earlier on in our adventure was enough of a pest for me to decide that I really don’t wanna face any more Zinger bosses in the future!” Tiny Kong then added onto her previous statement.
“I’ll say! Let’s keep moving so that we’ll be able to stay one step ahead of that pesky bug beast at all times as we make our way up this tower!” Jockey suggested as he, Dixie and Tiny continued to follow Diddy’s lead as the four of them resumed their crawl up the high-rise building. Before long, the Kongs had successfully made it to the top, with an oversized lantern waiting there for them, giving Jockey an idea to punish Shining-Mitey for all the grief it caused the Kongs. The middle-aged gorilla then grabbed the lantern before hurling it at Shining-Mitey’s head, causing the lantern to shatter and set Shining-Mitey on fire as the giant-sized moth screeched in pain while it burned up and eventually came crashing down in the distance of Nocturne City. “Take that, you overgrown ugly butterfly!” Jockey stated as he shook his fist towards the slain beast before breaking open the treasure chest that was located at the top of the skyscraper alongside the oversized lantern, grabbing the Primate Print Piece out of it, after which the Kongs moved on to the fifth level of Nocturne City; Crane-Lift Conundrum.
This fifth level of Nocturne City took place in the loftiness of the tall-sized cranes that stood in the construction yards spread across the city, with the Kongs having to jump across the steel girders latched onto the cranes’ hooks as they continuously moved back and forth, whilst avoiding the multiple Konstrukters, Kremolitioners, Krankers and Kruisers that tried to send the Kongs crashing into the plethora of bottomless pits below.
“Boy, am I glad I don’t have a fear of heights, because I would be freaking the freak out right now if that were the case!” Diddy Kong remarked as he slowly yet gracefully bounded his way over the many cranes and girders he and his loved ones currently found themselves perched on top of while clobbering Kremlings trying to throw them off, quite literally and figuratively as they did so. “Do you really wanna die for us?!” Diddy then asked the Kremlings as he continued to swipe them off their feet and send them hurdling into the abysses underneath.
“Apparently they do, else they wouldn’t be up here trying to fight it out with us, only to get themselves a grave fate courtesy of us.” Dixie Kong pointed out as she lobbed chunks of bubblegum from her Blowguns at the Kremlings to assist her boyfriends in taking out the Kremling Krew’s Kutthroats, to which Tiny and Jockey hummed their agreement as they too gave the Kremlings a walloping before crashing them into the deadly depths.
“Ah well, it’s their funeral, not ours.” Tiny Kong bluntly stated as she leapt and performed flying kicks into the Kremlings’ kissers while Jockey picked up and threw the Kremlings into one another in a similar vein to how Mario and Company would lift and throw enemies within the realm of Subcon in the overseas versions of Super Mario Bros. 2.
“King K. Rool is willing to haul many truckloads of bodies of his men back to whatever headquarters he’s currently holed up in if it means he’ll eventually manage to slay us by some sort of luck.” Jockey Kong chimed in as he continued to combat the Kremlings in his way. “Well, let’s give him some more bodies to haul back to his hideout right here and now, shall we?” He then suggested to his grandchildren as the four Kongs crossed the cranes and girders in a consecutive fashion, reaching the end of the level and the treasure chest with the Primate Print Piece inside of it after many acrobatic maneuvers and Kong-King of Kremlings. Diddy then proceeded to crack open the treasure chest before snatching up the map piece. “Well done, grandson! One more map piece for us left to find out here before we can go up against King K. Rool’s penultimate high-ranking hoodlum guarding one of his Kremkoins! Let’s get going!” Jockey Kong complimented Diddy Kong before the Kongs moved on to the sixth and final regular level of Nocturne City; Stock Exchange Excursion.
This sixth and final regular level of Nocturne City was another regular street level, taking place along the ground level streets of the stock exchange district of the city, hence the name of the level. The Kremling Kutthroats that the Kongs came up against in this level were Korsairs, Kremploders, Krocketeers, Klaptraps, Klampons, and a handful of Kremling enemies exclusive to this level, such as Kashiers, which were Kritters dressed in fancy businessmen’s suits, Krackers, which were Krushas dressed in the same fancy businessmen’s suits, and Krackles, which were Klumps dressed in fancy businessmen’s suits armed with double-barreled shotguns that they used to fire bursts of gunpowder at the Kongs. “Boy, the Kremlings are really serious about taking us out in this neck of the city. They’re quite literally all business.” Diddy Kong quipped as he and the other heroes began to monkey their way through the waves of Kremling Kutthroats trying to stop them.
“If there’s one thing I hate more than those slippery Kremlings, it’s slippery Kremlings dressed in even more slippery suits. Let’s give them a well-deserved trashing as we send their stocks into the kind of red they won’t be walking away from.” Jockey Kong chimed with a scowl resting on his face as he began punching the living strawberries out of the Kremlings in his path, to which Diddy, Dixie and Tiny hummed their agreement as they began to support the middle-aged gorilla in his clobbering spree. “Keep it up, grandkids! The more Kremlings we punch out, the less K. Rool will have to throw at us as we move closer to whatever sewer hole he’s hiding out of!” Jockey Kong told his grandchildren as the four Kongs kept up their rampage in the Kremlings’ stock exchange district.
“No wonder these streets are so glum; The Kremlings are croc-cupying them all by themselves!” Dixie Kong chimed with a sassy tone of voice as she roundhouse kicked the Kremling Krew’s financial felon branch to smithereens. Tiny Kong hummed her agreement with her older sister’s sentiments as she too punched and kicked the kooky out of these suit-wearing scoundrels.
“It’s a good thing we’ve come along to try and clean up these streets of the Kremlings’ criminal activities then! That should blow a bit more friendliness into them going forward!” Tiny Kong remarked as she clobbered the Kremlings relentlessly alongside her family members. Soon enough, the Kongs had successfully punched out all the hostilities in the level, leaving them to move on freely to the end, where the last treasure chest with the last Primate Print Piece of the area awaited them. Tiny Kong quickly pulled it open, rummaging through it and grabbing the map segment out before holding it up triumphantly in her hand.
“Kong-a-bunga! We’ve got all the Primate Print Pieces in the area! Now let’s go take on K. Rool’s crooked commander he’s assigned to rule over this city!” Diddy Kong giddily said before he and his family moved on to Nocturne City’s boss level; King of Con. This boss level pitted the Kongs against a black and dark gray furred doppelganger of Donkey Kong with pupilless red eyes, as well as a dark gray necktie with the DK initials being inverted, similar to how Wario and Waluigi’s initials were an inverted M and L, respectively.
The Kongs faced this evil doppelganger of Donkey Kong, appropriately named Donkey Con, on top of a construction site that looked out over Nocturne City in the distance. Shrieking in astonishment upon seeing Donkey Con, they engaged in battle against him shortly afterward. For the first phase of the battle, Donkey Con rolled back and forth through his battle arena in an attempt to damage his opponents, forcing the Kongs to repeatedly jump over him to avoid being struck. At a certain point, Donkey Con would stop rolling and come to a standstill in the middle of the arena while groaning with dizziness. This left him temporarily vulnerable to any attacks, allowing the Kongs to damage him in a subsequent fashion. They repeated this process two more times before Donkey Con began making agitated gorilla noises before leaping onto a ledge with an endless supply of barrels perched on it to the right side of the arena, and began hurling barrels at the Kongs in a similar vein to the Donkey Kong arcade game.
During this second phase of the battle, the Kongs had to dodge five barrels that Donkey Con would throw at them before the boss would throw a TNT Barrel, which the Kongs then had to throw back at Donkey Con to damage him. Following this, Donkey Con would start throwing seven regular barrels before sending a TNT Barrel hurdling their way. The Kongs again had to throw this TNT Barrel back at the evil impersonation of their muscle-bound family member to harm him. After this, Donkey Con would begin to throw nine regular barrels at his foes, followed by another TNT Barrel that the heroes had to fling back to where it came from to inflict blemish on the Big Boss. Donkey Con then began making even angrier gorilla noises before leaping off the construction site, after which he rose back up from the background, piloting a large mech suit akin to the one Donkey Kong piloted in his final battle against Mario in the first Mario vs Donkey Kong game.
As this initiated the third and final phase of the battle, Donkey Con moved the immensely-sized hands on his mech suit around before slamming them down on the grounds of the battle arena, immobilizing the Kongs briefly if they happened to stand on the grounds when the mech suit’s hands came down. The attack would also cause debris to start falling down from the top of the arena, and would damage the Kongs if they happened to come into contact with this falling debris. To damage Donkey Con during this final phase of the battle, the Kongs had to use the mech suit’s hands as platforms to gain the correct altitude needed to reach the cockpit of the mech suit, after which they had to jump on top of the cockpit in order to damage the mech suit, with Donkey Con inside of it. Once they had repeated this process five more times, the mech suit was destroyed, and Donkey Con was sent to his doom alongside his wrecked mech suit, with the evil doppelganger letting out a dying screech in the process before surrendering the Kremkoin he was guarding for King K. Rool. The Kongs cheered euphorically as they claimed the Kremkoin, though celebrations were cut short when a holographic projection of King K. Rool’s face appeared in the sky in front of the construction site that the Kongs were standing on, and the Kongs subsequently faced this holographic projection of King K. Rool.
"Muhahaha! You might have defeated my men, plundered my Kremkoin supply and crippled my resources, but if you wish to see your precious mother again, Diddy Kong, you must travel to Kastle K. Rool and face me there! I’d like to see you and your sad little family members try, though! Muahahaha!” King K. Rool chortled in lunacy-powered malice before the holographic projection of his face vanished again, after which the Kongs turned towards one another with determined scowls on their faces. “Alright, you guys! You heard the crocodile! We’re off to Kastle K. Rool! We’re this close to reuniting with my mother, so let’s make haste and wrap up this adventure before the chance to do so will slip through our hands like a fistful of quarters!” Diddy Kong told his family members with a determined glare in his eyes, to which the other Kongs nodded their agreement with equally determined glares in their own eyes, after which they quickly rushed to find Jockey’s motorcycle, and once they did, they took off for Kastle K. Rool, the final destination of their adventure.
After another day’s worth of traveling, the Kongs arrived at Kastle K. Rool, then proceeded to enter the first level of the area; Kourtyard Krossing. As the name of the level suggested, it took place inside the courtyard of Kastle K. Rool, which the Kongs had to travel through while battling against the many Korsairs, Kremploders, Krocketeers, Klampons, Klaptraps, Krembades, Kaskets and Kruisers littered across. “So this is where K. Rool has been hiding out ever since he got his butt handed to him by Donkey Kong at New Donk City, huh? Well, it’s time to put this thing to bed and bring closure to this maddening agony I’ve been put through over the past who-knows-how-many years!” Diddy Kong remarked with a serious scowl resting on his face as he and his family members took on the remainder of the Kremling Krew’s infantry while they made their way towards the end of the courtyard, which culminated in a boss battle with a zombified version of Fugu from Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze on top of a series of wooden docks suspended over a body of polluted water. This boss battle against the undead Fugu was essentially similar to the boss battle against the Porcu-Puffer at the end of the first level in the Luigi’s Revenge Flash game, since the undead Fugu would occasionally leap from the water, over the Kongs’ heads, after which the Kongs were able to damage him by slamming into his belly. They also had to evade Fugu’s attacks whenever the decaying pufferfish would try to damage them by leaping out of the water from underneath them. Upon having damaged Fugu by pounding his belly five times, the zombified ex-Snowmad proceeded to burst into four quarters, defeating him and making him relinquish the first piece of the Primate Print hidden away at Kastle K. Rool - Apparently K. Rool had decided to switch up his tactics of hiding the map pieces away inside treasure chests and instead trust them towards any of his underlings posted at the end of the levels of this final world. Satisfied with this explanation, the Kongs went on to the second level of Kastle K. Rool; Entryway Excursion.
As the name of the level suggested, it took place inside the entryway of the castle, where the Kongs had to fight their way through many more Kremling infantry, such as Korsairs, Kaskets, Kremploders, Krocketeers, Kruisers, Krembades, and mechanical wind-up toy versions of Klaptraps that functioned similarly to Mecha-Koopas appropriately named Mecha-Klaptraps. The Kongs also had to be careful not to drop into any of the lava pits spread out through the entryway, or else they would instantly die. “Whoever designed this castle on behalf of K. Rool has got a lot to answer for; These hallways look ugly as the clown that Donkey Kong hired to perform at my tenth birthday party.” Diddy Kong snarked with another serious scowl on his face while he and his family bounded through the castle’s entryway, before proceeding to enter a door located at the end of it, where they found themselves battling a sentient stone statue that resembled Kudgel from Donkey Kong Country 2; Appropriately named Kudgel the Kolem. In order to damage him, the Kongs had to throw TNT Barrels that would occasionally drop down from the ceiling whenever Kudgel the Kolem would slam his club down on the ground that the Kongs stood on, before hurling these TNT Barrels back at the sentient statue created in Kudgel’s likelihood. Repeating this process six more times would cause Kudgel the Kolem to crumble into thousands of stone chunks, releasing the Primate Print Piece he was hiding inside of him in the process. The Kongs grinned in satisfaction as they claimed this Primate Print Piece before moving on to the third level of Kastle K. Rool; Foyer Frolic.
Per the name of the level, it took place inside the foyer of the castle, where the Kongs had to fight their way through a number of Korsairs, Kremploders, Mecha-Klaptraps and Kremling enemies exclusive to the level named Krackerjacks, who were essentially Kritters dressed up as jesters. There also appeared to be paranormal activity going on inside the foyer of the castle, as there were a bunch of furniture pieces such as candlesticks, teapots, desk mirrors and potted casablanca lilies floating around through the level that would attempt to swoop down at the Kongs if they happened to get close to them. “The foyer of this place ain’t much better in esthetic presentation compared to the courtyard and the entryway, if you ask me. What hole did K. Rool dig the architect of this place out of…?” Diddy Kong shook his head with a pitiful exhale as he continued to criticize the look of K. Rool’s castle while he and his family rushed through the foyer to get to the end of it. Upon entering a twin set of doors at the end of the foyer, the Kongs ended up in the parlor of the castle, where they fought it out against Krocbert Kracker, a Krusha dressed like a jester armed with an Orange Grenade Launcher. In order to damage this boss, the Kongs had to avoid multiple Orange Grenades shot at them before one Orange Grenade would drop to the floor after Krocbert Kracker had launched it, after which the Kongs would have to throw it back at the jester boss to inflict harm on him. Repeating this process seven times would defeat Krocbert Kracker as he fell onto his back, glowing a bright white color before bursting into a cloud of purple smoke and relinquishing the Primate Print Piece he was guarding for his master. The Kongs quickly snatched up the Primate Print Piece while grinning in satisfaction before they moved on to the fourth level of Kastle K. Rool; Interior Superior.
And that concludes the fourth part of Diddy Kong Country! I would like to extend my thanks to those who enjoyed Part 3 of Diddy Kong Country enough to give it a shout-out in Poochy’s Picks in Issue 229! It pleases me that people enjoy the storytelling as well as the mix of official Donkey Kong Country material and my own original creations of the section, and it’s praise like that which keeps my creative motor running as I know that I’m not doing these stories for bupkis! Anyway, I think it’s needless to say that next month should be a nice wrap-up for this story with Part 5, and afterward, we’re going to continue the Diddy Kong Redemption lineup of ‘Shroom sections with a brand new Diddy Kong-themed story! So until then, enjoy what else Issue 230 has to offer!
Captain Clawgrip's Quest!
Written by: Boo1268 and ClawgripFan9001
Part 1
As the salty sea air breached the shore of New Wikisburgh Docks, the Captain of The Black Peach stands proudly upon the bowsprit of his ship with his trademark lazy grin, as his trusty companion, Bonnet the Mini-Necky, flies down onto the captain's shoulder. Captain ClawgripFan9001 and his crew had recently taken Boo1268, the Fancy Phantom, on an expedition to help him with his newest edition of his ‘Shroom section, The Spectral Lens. While there, Boo1268 had uncovered something; A map detailing the location of a mysterious relic, which the good natured ghost promptly passed on towards the Sidestepper sailor, who in turn rounded up his crew, consisting of his First Mate, Winston the White Shy Guy, Deckhand Kruncha, a blue colored muscular Kremling of the same name, and the newest addition to the crew, the artistic and musical ghost, Napstablook, whom ClawgripFan had previously met and befriended on Halloween night after Boo1268 became the victim of the Lich Yard's Curse. And now, in the present day, we catch up with our merry crew as they begin to set sail.
“Yar, let's get goin’, me mateys! All aboard!” ClawgripFan9001 triumphantly called to raise his crew's morale, with Winston and Kruncha cheerfully hollering in response as Kruncha began to pull in the ship's anchor as a means of signaling the departure for the location of the artifact listed on the map ClawgripFan9001 had received from Boo1268. Glancing towards Napstablook, ClawgripFan9001 flashed a friendly smile towards the shy spectre. “Come aboard, ye little buccaneer!” He motioned for Blooky to board the ship with his right pincher. “T-Thank you for being so willing to have me t-tag along Mr. Clawgrip, I really appreciate this, I-Ive never been a part of a pirate crew b-before, so f-forgive me if I'm a bit nervous.”
“Aye, aye! Lemme an’ me mateys show ye the basic ropes o’ the occupation, Blooky!” ClawgripFan9001 told the shy spectre as he and his crewmates began to break out in song. “Do what ye want, ‘cause a pirate be free! Ye be a pirate! Yar har, fiddle dee dee! Bein’ a pirate be alright with me! Do what ye want, ‘cause a pirate be free! Ye be a pirate!” During the musical ballad, Napstablook surprises the crew by pulling out an accordion, as he begins to play along with them, adding to the festivities of the song. Winston then began dancing to Blooky’s accordion solo while he began singing the song's chorus. “Yar har, fiddle dee dee! If ye love ta sail the sea, ye be a pirate!”
“Land ho! Yar har, fiddle dee dee! Bein’ a pirate be alright with me! Yar har, wind at yer back, lads, where'er ye go, blue sky above an’ blue ocean below, ye be a pirate!” Napstablook ends the song, shouting out: “I-I be a pirate! Argh!”
“Yar, ye be gettin’ the hang o’ the whole pirate thing pretty quickly, Blooky, me boy! I can only be optimistic that ye'll ‘ave the whole cutthroat schtick down pat by the time we've managed ta reach our destination!” ClawgripFan9001 praised Napstablook for getting the basics of the pirate life down, with a little help from the Sidestepper and his friends. “I-It might take a bit getting used to, but I got the feeling down! In fact, here!” Suddenly, using his tears, Napstablook removes his earphones and transforms his tears into a simple pirate bandana to get into the spirit of piracy, “How's this, Captain? A-Am I saying that right? Captain?”
“Aye, aye! Ye be sayin’ that right, me boy! Plus, the bandana be the perfect example o’ the basic garments o’ pirate life! I've been wearin’ mine fer as long as I can remember, so I know the bandana be a pirate basic necessity better than anythin’!” ClawgripFan9001 praised Napstablook once more with an equally prideful grin. “Thanks, Captain, now I suppose I should properly introduce myself…Hi, my name's Napstablook, you probably already know me from Captain Clawgrip, but I wanted to make a proper introduction first, ‘ye see’”
“Yar, what me matey said, we band o’ pirates be off on another epic quest, an’ it be no joke, I can tell ye! It be rankin’ up there with the likes o’ the expedition ta find Atlantis led by Commander Lyle Tiberius Rourke! Clawgrip announced with the other two members of the crew introducing themselves to Napsta proper. “Aye, nice ta meet ye, Napstablook. I be Winston the White Shy Guy, the First Mate o’ The Black Peach, an’ as such, the Cap'n's right hand man. I be lookin’ forward ta workin’ with ye as we be makin’ our next great voyage into the Mushroom World's uncharted territories.” The White Shy Guy introduced himself to Napstablook.
“Aye, aye! An’ I be Kruncha, the Deckhand o’ The Black Peach, an’ the newest member o’ the crew ‘till ye came along! I also be lookin’ forward ta workin’ with ye on this grand expedition we be embarkin’ on!” Kruncha also proceeded to introduce himself to Napstablook. “I'm also looking forward to it, Mr. Kruncha! Well it's nice to properly meet ye, now, if ye don't mind, I’m going to put my stuff down below” Napstablook replied.
“Yar, ye go ahead an’ do that! Yer quarters be below deck, down the hallway on yer left, Cap’n Clawgrip marked it with yer name on it.” Kruncha gave Napstablook directions towards his quarters for his duration of his stay on board of The Black Peach. As Napstablook began to get settled into his temporary new home, the rest of the crew discussed the map they had acquired from Boo1268 and the treasure it led to, unable to read a part of the map, as it was in a weird sort of language.
“Aye, so, Winston. That map the Cap’n got from his paranormal pal be a weird case, don't ye think? This one part o’ the map be in some kinda ancient language lost ta time.” Kruncha pointed out to the First Mate as he looked on the map in question, with Winston peering at the map as well. Meanwhile, ClawgripFan9001 steered his beloved vessel out of the New Wikisburgh Docks and out onto open sea, Napstablook had also taken up the job of being the look out in the crowsnest, alongside playing his accordion on occasion whenever he felt bored.
“Ye could say that, Kruncha. I honestly be curious as ta what this artifact the map be leadin’ us t'wards could possibly be? I mean, the map never said anythin’ bout what artifact we be after, an’ the Cap’n never got any other explanation from Boo1268 when he gave the map ta the Cap’n either. So this whole thing be as much of a mystery fer me as it be fer ye.” Winston nodded his agreement with Kruncha's sentiments regarding the map, as he continued to peer at it, unbeknownst to them that they were being followed.
“Well, I'm positive that the Cap’n knows what e's doin’. His intuition has ne'er really been wrong b'fore when it comes ta these expeditions, so I ain't really questionin’ the Cap'n's intuition this time around either.” Kruncha nodded his agreement with Winston's sentiments on the matter whilst remaining cautiously optimistic about it all at the same time. Meanwhile, while flying around The Black Peach, getting headpats from Napstablook and the other Crew Members, Bonnet the Mini-Necky sees something strange in the skies, an Albatoss that's been lurking around the skies above the ship for a while, coming straight towards their ship, as the mean looking bird flies closer to Bonnet, she notices the HUNGRY look in its eye as it begins chasing her around the SHIP! “SCRAWWW!” the Albatoss shouts as it chases Bonnet!
Noticing the hubbub going on around the crowsnest of The Black Peach, with his beloved pet being under attack by another bird, ClawgripFan9001 looked alarmed by the presence of the other bird. “Curse me cutlasses! We be under attack by a hostile bird! Quick, Kruncha! Get that beast off Bonnet's tail feathers!” The Sidestepper ordered his Deckhand.
“Aye, aye, Cap’n!” Kruncha saluted his captain's orders before he began climbing up towards the crowsnest of the ship to try and shoo the attacking Albatoss away, but to no avail.
“I got it, Captain!” Napstablook shouts as he flies above the Albatoss and begins to cry acid tears that singe the bird's hyde, “AUUHGH!” the Albatoss shouts in pain as the tears burn its feathers and quickly flies away, still crying out in pain as it does so, disappearing into a thick cloud of fog nearing the horizon, Winston notices this and shouts out to the captain about the fog.
“Argh, beware, Cap’n! We’re ‘eaded straight fer that mist bank!” Winston warned ClawgripFan9001, pointing towards the horizon, prompting the Sidestepper captain to glance towards it as well, a stern and alert glare resting on his face as he did so. “Aye, aye! Thanks fer warnin’ me ‘bout that, Winston! An’ thanks a bundle fer gettin’ that grubby gull off me precious pet’s tail feathers, Napstablook! Ye be worth yer weight in gold, if ye pardon the expression, that is!” ClawgripFan9001 thanked his crew members for their assistance in their current predicament they were bound to find themselves in.
Traveling deeper into the mist, Winston knew this was the direction the map said to go, but with all this fog and mist, they could barely even see two feet in front of their faces! “Argh, bless me bandana…We’ve traveled through troubled waters like this b’fore, but none as covered in thick mist banks like this…” Winston muttered as he was reading off the map, after Kruncha handed it to him when he went after the Albatoss, his vision soon becoming so obscured by the mist that he could barely read the map at all. “I-I can't see anything Captain! The f-fog is just too thick, sir! S-Should we turn back?”
“Aye, me conk be sayin’ ta turn back as well, but me gut feelin’ ain’t buyin’ it. I be in a tailspin right ‘ere, an’ that’s never ‘appened ta me durin’ an expedition b’fore…” ClawgripFan9001 responded to Napstablook’s suggestion, the stern and alert glare continuing to rest on his face as his common sense was in battle with his curiosity. After a few moments to think about it, Clawgrip decided to trust his gut feeling and continued to sail onwards through the ominous fog, the atmosphere thick and heavy with doubt, Clawgrip responds, “Yar, it pains me ta say this, mateys, but I’m goin’ with me gut on this one. We’re continuin’ ta set sail fer our destination.” ClawgripFan9001 eventually decided after thoroughly deliberating his decision, continuing to sail The Black Peach through the dreary and misty moors the vessel currently found itself in.
Eventually Kruncha interjected. “Pluck me pirate flags, Cap’n! Are ye really sure this be a good idea? I mean, ye already found yerself learnin’ the Davy Jones’ locker combination at least once b’fore in the past, an’ I doubt that King Grambi would be able ta let ye return ta the world o’ the livin’ so easily like ‘e did b’fore!” Kruncha interjected, not one to question his captain’s intuition in normal circumstances, but seeing as these weren’t normal circumstances, he was right to question it here and now.
“Kruncha be right on this one, Cap’n. Are ye really a hundred percent positive that this be the right course o’ action ta take in this scenario-” The First Mate chimed in his ten cents on the matter before suddenly being cut off by the sound of cannons in the distance. Suddenly, quick as a flash, giant hooks and spears made their way into and onto The Black Peach as an ominous shadow of another pirate ship began to form in the fog, suddenly, a crew of pirates could be heard yelling and cheering as they pulled the boat closer, to theirs “ARGH!!!” The crew shouted as their ship came perfectly into view, a terrifying black ship, with red sails, gold pieces adjoining it, and was three times the size of The Black Peach, and, as the ship came closer, the wild and wacky crew aboard it came into view.
“Yargh, by Nep-Enut’s curly toes! What be goin’ on?!” ClawgripFan9001 questioned, his crewmates being just as confused by what was happening, before another pirate ship, much larger than theirs began reeling them in. Soon enough, the dreaded crew of the much larger pirate ship began to board The Black Peach, with ClawgripFan9001, Winston, and Kruncha quickly pulling out their cutlasses, as they were ready to throw down with these invaders if they had to.
“Well, mister, *Ribbit* it be real simple for ye ta understand, *ribbit*, We’s was goin ta, *Ribbit* ATTACK!” With that battle cry, the fight began, with Winston having to take on the Frog Pirate alongside a Jean de Filet! Meanwhile, Napstablook faced a strange aquatic creature capable of flying! Kruncha, on the other hand, had to take on an Arachne on his own, leaving Clawgrip to face off against a strange land squid with one eye.
“*Ribbit* have at ye!” the Frog Pirate shouted as he shot his tongue as Winston, Winston quickly letting out a Shy Guy like yelp in response as he slashed his cutlass at his amphibian adversary, to try and damage his tongue.
The attack lands and knocks back the Frog Pirate’s tongue, the pirate shouts “AUGH! *Ribbit*” as his tongue is slashed, only then for the Jean De Fillet to jump out of the water and SMACK into Winston, hitting the back of his head as it lands back in the water at the other side of the boat.
“Yar, big mistake, launchin’ yer tongue at a pirate armed with a blade, ye blunderin’ fool- Hei-ho!” Winston began taunting the Frog Pirate, before calling out in shock as he was suddenly slammed in the back of the head by the Frog Pirate’s adversary that was the Jean De Fillet, falling flat on his face as a result of the sneak attack while the fish-like foe landed back in its natural habitat, giving the Frog Pirate a bigger attack window to take on the First Mate of The Black Peach.
“Ha Ha! *Ribbit* nice work there. Ray, me lad! Now, take this, ye skimpering scallywag! *Ribbit*” Just then, the Frog Pirate extends his tongue once more, picking up Winston before then THROWING him into some barrels located on the ship, the Frog Pirate laughing as Winston lands.
“Gah! The pain o’ this all!” Winston howled in pain, as his froggy opponent used his tongue to pick him up and hurl him into a set of barrels that made up part of The Black Peach’s supplies, he then proceeded to slowly but surely get up and reach for his cutlass, as he prepared to fight once more. Meanwhile Kruncha was dealing with his own pirate, a Tarantula, who is surprisingly strong.
“Argh, ye be pretty tough there, lad, but I've got eight o’ these legs, an’ ye only gots two!” Kruncha’s arachnid adversary boasted to the muscular Deckhand of The Black Peach, whilst showing off his multiple limbs to the latter for emphasis.
“Aye, what’s eight legs, when ye’ve got the two strongest biceps o’ the Seven Seas? An’ I’ll show ye first-’and ‘ow I managed ta earn such a title!” Kruncha bit back at his arachnid adversary’s taunting, as he proceeded to deck him in the face with his muscular fists.
The spider proceeds to stagger a bit from the blow, but is still standing, as suddenly, he begins to roll into a ball towards Kruncha, before then jumping on him, decking him with rapid fire blows from his segmented legs, aiming at Kruncha’s face and body as he does so.
“Argh, watch it, ye eight-legged freak! I need these teeth fer eatin’ the grub from the Cap’n’s galley, ye know!” Kruncha garbled as his opponent repeatedly hit him in the face with his eight fists, before retaliating with a powerful left hook to the Arantula’s face, letting out a loud grunt as he did so, the Arachne gets launched back as the attack lands, the spider having landed on his back with a frustrated growl, before quickly flipping himself over and charging at Kruncha to attack again.
Kruncha then retaliated with an attack of his own, which happened to be a body slam as he attempted to crush his spider-like contender using his immense body muscle. The Spider Pirate quickly moves out of the way of the attack, before then proceeding to latch onto Kruncha and spin webs around him, trapping him in essentially a large yarn ball. “Nargh, what in the name o’ Cap’n Jack Sparrow’s savvy self do this kinda trickery be?!” Kruncha asked in confusion, not expecting the spider to be giving any kind of honest answer to that question. “Ow do ye like it? Cap’n says it be me finest threads yet, ye see, ye aint goin’ nowhere.” Meanwhile, the Captain of The Black Peach was dealing with a strange squid-like creature, who was attempting to snap at him with its jaws.
“Argh, keep those nasty teeth away from me, ye cephalopod sucker!” ClawgripFan9001 snarled at the strange squid-like being with his trademark fierce glare, swinging away with his cutlass at the creature’s slimy and scaly hide as he did so. The Skitter Squid dodged some of Clawgrip’s attacks, while being landed on by others, cutting away at some of the carnivorous cephalopod’s legs, “RAGH! Hehehehe, ye be ASKIN’ fer it now, hehehe!” The Squid responded crazily with a manic laughter to boot, before then proceeding to shoot ink into Clawgrip’s eyes. “ARGH, BY THE FALSE TEETH O’ BOOBARELLA ALCAZAR! THAT STINGS!” ClawgripFan9001 cried in pain as he clenched his eyes that were currently drenched in cephalopod ink with his free right pincher, while firmly clutching his cutlass in his left pincher. The Squid would fix that problem by proceeding to BITE down on Clawgrip’s left pincher.
“YARGH, THAT SMARTS!” ClawgripFan9001 cried out in pain once more as he dropped his cutlass in the process, his eyes shooting open wide in the process, as they were revealed to be bloodshot from being filled to the brim with the cephalopod’s ink. “HAVE AT YE, YA SQUIDDY SCALLYWAG!” Clawgrip fiercely snarled at his enemy, before socking him in the eye with his right pincher to try and get him to let go of his left pincher. The attack works, LAUNCHING the Squid into the back of the stern of his Captain’s ship, knocking him out with a NASTY black eye to boot. Rubbing his left pincher with his right pincher afterward, ClawgripFan9001 angrily glared at the squid, who was currently unconscious and laminated to the back of whatever vessel he happened to serve on. “Yar, ‘aven’t dealt with such a bitey wee nipper since Naval Piranha back on the Yoshisaur Seabreezes back in the day…” The Sidestepper Captain grumbled in irritation at what he just had to deal with. Clawgrip looked up to see Napstablook somehow being defeated by the strange windbag of a creature above, being blown around like a rag doll, before plummeting to the deck below.
ClawgripFan9001 quickly rushed to Napstablook’s aid in response with a worried expression resting on his face, forgetting his own ailments for the time being to tend to those of his newest crew member. “Yar, Blooky! Are ye alright, me boy?!” The Sidestepper asked the ghostly sea urchin of The Black Peach in an equally concerned tone of voice.”Uugh…I’m decent, Cap’n…” Napstablook responded before falling unconscious for a moment. Meanwhile, the battle between the Frog Pirate and Winston was going well, the Frog Pirate having been taken down by Winston's sword skills, “C-Curses *Croak*” the frog replied to being taken down. “Hei-ho! I’ve earned me stripes as the First Mate o’ The Black Peach fer a reason, ye see! An’ that’s fer bein’ a formidable swordsman, me amphibian adversary!” Winston smugly and triumphantly informed the Frog Pirate, having driven his cutlass through the latter’s tongue to defeat him. Clawgrip and Winston linked up on the deck below, huddling next to each other and their fallen crewmates to protect them, as the remaining crew of the enemy ship surrounded them.
Serious expressions resting on their faces as ClawgripFan9001 was dual wielding a pair of revolvers at his opponents, while Winston was dual wielding a pair of cutlasses at his opponents, they were going to do everything in their power to make sure their fallen comrades, Kruncha and Napstablook, respectively, wouldn’t be done any further harm by the crew of the hostile pirate ship that attacked them. “Ye best be callin' out Parley, Mr. Clawgrip!” a voice shouted from the fog that consumed parts of the enemy ship, the voice sounded familiar but ever so distant.
“Yar, an’ why would we do that, ye ballsy ol’ buccaneer?!” ClawgripFan9001 asked the voice, the serious expression on his face never fading as he did so. “Ye realise that ye not only be outnumbered, but ye also might ‘aven’t considered one thing.” Raising a curious eyebrow in response to the last part of the voice’s sentence, the Sidestepper let out an inquisitive hum. “An’ what might that be?” He once again asked the voice. A Monty Mole emerged from the fog in a chef outfit, who was clearly not the person belonging to the voice, revealing Bonnet in a cage, ”We’ve gots yer bird, an ‘we’s were considerin’ makin’ er into good ol’ KFC fer dinner.” The rest of the crew laughed in response at the comment, except of the Jean De Fillet, strangely enough. “So what do ye say to that?”
Visibly upset and aghast from the sight of his precious pet having been captured, with the intention of being made into a meal by the enemy pirate crew, the Sidestepper Captain lowered his revolvers. “Aye, we’ll call it a draw then…” The crustacean let out a sad exhale at having been forced into surrendering for the time being, his precious pet meaning the world to him. After being tied up, all of The Black Peach Crew was taken to the enemy ship, with the Skitter Squid and Frog Pirate being tended to by the Monty Mole, while the rest of the enemy crew gathered around as the fog began to subside. “Well well well, the FAMOUS Cap’n ClawgripFan9001, FINALLY kneelin’ to me mercy! ‘Ow SWEET!”, the voice revealing himself to the rest of The Black Peach’s crew, all of them being VISIBLY angered as Captain Clamper emerges, rotten bones, shell and all, “Ello there, Cap’n ClawgripFan an’ Company, did ye all miss me?”
ClawgripFan9001 was indeed visibly angered by the sight of his rival, Captain Clamper, growling in aggravation to emphasize this. “You! ‘Ow did ye manage ta rise from yer seaman’s grave this time, ye ‘urly burler?!” The crustacean fiercely inquired of his Durapearl rival. “It’s nice ta see ye as well, Cap’n ClawgripFan, ye know the last time we fought, ye just SUNK me, I didn't actually perish again, ye know.”
“Yar, this ain’t the time fer technicalities! Answer me! Why are ye doin’ this?!” ClawgripFan9001 snapped at the captain of the rival pirate crew, getting increasingly frustrated from the whole ordeal he’d been forced into. “Oh, please, crapitan. Ain’t it enough that I wanted to see me ol’ friends? Speakin’ o’ which, ‘ow are ye doin’, Winston? Still liftin’, eh, Kruncha?” Captain Clamper smugly responded. “Oh, spare us the taunting, you overgrown oyster! Just tell us what the heck you’re planning to do to us!” Winston barked with an irritable expression on his Shy Guy mask, Kruncha humming his agreement in response. “Aye, we ain’t in the mood fer yer gobbledygook!” The Deckhand of The Black Peach chimed in. “Well I-”. Just then, the door to the Captain's Quarters SLAMS open as a fearsome voice calls out, making all the crew members (Even Clamper) look on in FEAR, “MR. CLAMPER! WHAT DO YE THINK YE BE DOING!?” Clawgrip and Company look out towards where the voice originates from; they see a Klomp slowly moving down the steps to the deck.
Upon further inspection of the new arrival, the Klomp wears a FEARSOME pirate outfit that would put even Blackbeard to shame, with a prominent hat on his head and the same Albatoss that attacked Bonnet earlier on his shoulder, however, the most striking thing is that where there would be a wooden peg leg, was instead a mechanical one, filled to the brim with metal parts, gears, cogs, and screws, the Klomp’s right arm being replaced by a fearsome mechanical one with even MORE gears and cogs, all pumping out steam to function, as he slowly makes his way towards Clamper, as the rest of the crew backs away in fear. “A-Ah C-Cap’n, I-I was just takin’- GAUGH” As Clamper begins to speak the Klomp’s arm transforms into a crab cracker, commonly seen at seafood restaurants, as he begins to SQUEEZE Clamper’s shell, “How, many, times, do I have to tell ye? NOT TO ACT LIKE THIS BE YER SHIP!? I have given ye the PRIVILEGE of bein’ me First Mate, Mr. Clamper, an’ I EXPECT ye to follow me orders in doin’ so!” Suddenly the Klomp SQUEEZES down harder on Clamper, “If I catch ye tryin’ ta boss me crew around like ye own the place again, ILL SEND YE BACK TA THE HELL SCAPE WHICH YE CAME FROM!!! IS THAT CLEAR?” Clamper weakly responds with a head shake as the Klomp lets go of his hold on him, Clamper quickly running away to the lower deck.
Transforming his hand back to normal and straightening himself out, the Captain of the enemy crew orders the spider to untie the members of The Black Peach, or, as he calls them, “Guests”. “*Ahem* pardon the rude introduction there, Mr. Clawgrip, I hope they didn't toss ye around too hard there.” ClawgripFan9001 and his crew looked as the door flung open, and a Klomp with all sorts of mechanical attachments to his body came in, looking furious towards Clamper before beginning to berate him and choke him out in the process, revealing himself to be the real captain of the enemy pirate ship. Staying silent throughout the whole ordeal, the crew of The Black Peach were flabbergasted by such a scene, yet relieved when the Klomp ordered his Arantula crewmate to untie the lot of them, in which the Arantula did.
“Aye, they were a bit rough on me an’ me crew, ta say the least…” ClawgripFan9001 acknowledged to the Klomp. “I take it ye be the real captain o’ this ‘ere vessel?” The crustacean then asked the Klomp in an equally mild manner as the one the Klomp had greeted him in. “That I be there, lad. Allow me ta introduce meself, I be Captain Coil, Master of the Devil’s Bounty, at yer service.” The Captain proceeded to bow and extend his mechanical hand towards Clawgrip’s pincher. “Argh, fancy meetin’ ye, sir. Wish the circumstances were a little less bleak, though.” ClawgripFan9001 acknowledged the captain as he returned the handshake in the process. “Ah yes, once again, I ask ye ta pardon me crew there, Mr. Clawgrip, they just do as they’re told, allow me ta introduce them fer ya, of course, ye met me First Mate, Mr. Clamper, but there's also me muscle, Mr. Linn the Arachne”, Coil proceeded to point to Linn as he waved towards them, Coil then leaned down towards Clawgrip before speaking in a hushed tone. "He's a tough lad, he is, but he's got a brain the size o’ tennis ball” Captain Coil then proceeded to list off more of his crew “That be Mitch, our cook, Windy, our navigation expert, he be somethin’ called a “Puffy Blowhog,” we’s dunno what that means, and we’s can't fully understand him, but he can blow the sails fer us mighty fine, next, the two lads ye beat the snot out of be Slade the Skitter Squid & Crofton the Frog.” Suddenly, a voice chimed in as he hopped onto the deck, “What about me, Cap’n?” the Jean De Fillet responded as he flopped towards Clawgrip and his crew, “Nice ta meet ye, the name’s Ray.”
Glancing towards Captain Coil’s crewmates as he introduced them one by one, ClawgripFan9001 and Company didn’t know what to think of them, but remained friendly with them regardless, if it meant Captain Coil would be showing mercy towards them. Suddenly, when the Jean De Fillet came in and took the liberty of introducing himself, the crew of The Black Peach smiled in a friendly manner towards him. “Ahoy, matey! Fancy meetin’ ye as well!” The Sidestepper captain replied with his trademark lazy grin. Then Coil chimed in: “Now that we’s got introductions outta the way, allow me to have the rest of yer crew join us fer supper, possibly get yerself bandaged an’ repaired, but meanwhile, I would like to talk to ye privately, Mr. Clawgrip, If ye don't mind?” The Sidestepper nodded in agreement.
“Aye, aye. Winston, Kruncha, the two o’ ye take Blooky an’ get yerself patched up. I’ll join ye in a minute soon as I be done discussin’ things with Cap’n Coil o’er ‘ere.” ClawgripFan9001 told his crewmates, who nodded in reluctant agreement as they did what their captain told them to do while the crustacean himself scuttled away with Captain Coil so they could discuss things in private without any eavesdroppers around. In the Captain’s Quarters, surrounded by treasure, food, and maps among other possessions, Captain Coil opened the cage that held Bonnet, and set her free to return her to her owner. “I do be sorry ‘bout me crew usin’ yer bird as a bargain chip, Mr. Clawgrip, as a bird lover meself, I know the feelin’.”
“Aye, so what are yer intentions with me an’ me band o’ pirate brothers through usin’ me precious pet as a bargainin’ tool?” ClawgripFan9001 asked in a serious business-like manner as he gently stroked his precious pet to calm it down following the distress it went through as a prisoner of Captain Coil’s crew. “Again, I do be sorry ‘bout that, that be the crew an’…Grrrr…Mr. Clamper's idea there, I wanted to meet more diplomatically, if ye catch me drift, but yes! Down ta business, I see! *ahem* Ye see, Mr. Clawgrip, if what Mr. Clamper and me other contact be saying be true, ye ave come into possession of somethin’ VERY important to us, somethin’ I’ve been searchin' me WHOLE life fer; the map to the Heart of the Sea.”
“Yar, ye mean this?” ClawgripFan9001 asked Captain Coil with a curiously raised eyebrow, as he held up the map in question, the one he received from Boo1268 earlier, still stroking Bonnet with his other pincher in the process while making sure he understood where Captain Coil was going with this. “Aye, THAT be the one!” the Captain replied with a VERY happy look on his face, “It be what me an’ me crew ‘ave been searchin’ fer for YEARS, an’ now that ye ‘ave it, I were hopin’ that when we first met, ye would be willin’ ta join me an’ me crew on a search fer the Legendary Heart!”
ClawgripFan9001 hummed inquisitively as he thought it over. “What be in it fer me an’ me crew? ‘Cause, we don’t wanna put in a whole lotta effort assistin’ ye in yer search fer this supposed ‘Eart o’ the Sea fer no reward.” He asked Captain Coil with a curious tilt of his head, giving him a long look in doing so. Just then, entering through an open window is the Albatoss from before, as it lands on Coil’s mechanical arm. “Ah there ye be Cedric! I be wonderin’ where ye flew off to!” Coil then properly introduced the two: “Mr. Clawgrip, allow me ta introduce me loyal bird, Cedric!” Cedric flapped his wings and “*SQUACK*”ed in response.
“Aye, me precious pet, Bonnet ‘ad the pleasure o’ meetin’ Cedric first.” ClawgripFan9001 acknowledged as he glanced towards his Mini-Necky, who looked rather hostile towards the Captain’s pet Albatoss in response. Meanwhile, Cedric looked at the plate of chicken that had been served to Clawgrip, licking his beak as he stares at the food, hungry for SOMETHING to eat, quickly flapping over to attempt to consume the food Clawgrip was served, Cedric frightened Bonnet and Clawgrip with this sudden movement. ClawgripFan9001 and Bonnet yelped in fright at the Albatoss’ sudden movement. “Hubba hubba!” The crustacean exclaimed in fright while Bonnet let out a Necky’s screech from the Donkey Kong Country series in response. “OHH, CEDRIC!” Captain Coil shouted as he transformed his robotic hand into a massive fly swatter and SMACKED Cedric away, the Albatoss yelping in slight pain as Cedric returned to his perch, “Ye’ll get yer food, Cedric! Just ye wait, ye ungrateful PEST!” Captain Coil returns to the question at hand, transforming his hand back as he responds. “Now, where were we? Ah yes, what will ye and yer crew get out of the deal? Well, how ‘bout riches, Mr. Clawgrip? How ‘bout food? How ‘bout ANYTHIN’ ye please? Cause once we get the Heart, ye see, we’s be able to do ANYTHIN’ WE WANT!”
“Hm, so the ‘Eart o’ the Sea can make all o’ the wishes o’ whoever manages ta find it come true? If that be the case, me an’ me crew wouldn’t mind an immense payout o’ Coins an’ food in exchange fer our assistance in ‘elpin’ ye find the ‘Eart o’ the Sea.” ClawgripFan9001 informed Captain Coil as he hummed inquisitively while calming Bonnet down by stroking it with his right pincher once more. “Then it be a deal, Mr. Clawgrip! Let’s shake on it!” Captain Coil urged Clawgrip to take one of his pinchers and shake his hand. ClawgripFan9001 did just that, hoping that he and his crew wouldn’t end up regretting making this deal with Captain Coil and his crew to look for the Heart of the Sea, since, the crustacean knew very well that there could be some funny business hidden beneath the Klomp’s well intentions. “Aye, well then, I be glad that we could come to an agreement, Mr. Clawgrip” Coil responded.
“Aye, the feelin’ be mutual ta a certain degree, Cap’n Coil. Let’s go find this ‘Eart o’ the Sea, where’er it may be accordin’ ta this ‘ere map that I got off me matey.” ClawgripFan9001 nodded towards Captain Coil. “Also, don’t mind me askin’, but what’s up with all yer robotic body parts?” The Sidestepper asked Captain Coil with a curious tilt of his head, hoping that it wasn’t a very offensive question to ask. Coil simply looked down at his robotic arm, clicking and whirring the robotic claws of his metallic hand before responding: “Ye give up a lot ol’ things chasin’ a dream, chasin’ something many others find false, ya hear? An’ sometimes, ye need to make sacrifices in order ta achieve that there dream. An’ I be willin’ ta make them fer meself, all ta PROVE to him that I be a better leader than he EVER BE!”
“Yar, so if I be understandin’ ye right, the price ta make yer dreams real literally cost an arm an’ a leg?” ClawgripFan9001 asked Captain Coil to make sure he understood where he was going with all of this, raising a curious eyebrow for emphasis. “More or less, aye. Ya see, back in the days o’ old, I was once a part of the Kremling Krew, under command of ol’ King K. Rool, who were known as KAP’N K. Rool at the time…” Coil begins to growl as his anger rises, “GRRR… Kap’n K. Rool treated us ROTTEN, always yelling an bashin’ our skulls in if we were failin’ whate’er task ‘e assigned us ta, but after ol’ Crocodile Isle sunk into the sea, by the hands of those moronic monkeys, Diddy ‘N Dixie, many of the crew, includin’ meself deserted fer greener pastures. From that day on, Mr. Clawgrip, I vowed ta find the Heart o’ the Sea an’ RAISE Crocodile Isle back up from its murky depths, so that I may prove to the King, that I may be a better ruler than he EVER was!”
Needless to say, ClawgripFan9001 felt a bolt of fear run through him as the Captain’s anger began to flare up, finding that you definitely didn’t wanna get on his bad side the way his arch-nemesis, Clamper did. Once he sensed that Coil had calmed down again a tad, the Sidestepper spoke up again. “Aye, I see…So ye be lookin’ fer the ‘Eart o’ the Sea ta rise Crocodile Isle back from the depths o’ the sea ta prove a point ta King K. Rool. I dealt with the ol’ pot-belled nutcase meself at least once in me pirate lifetime, an’ I do agree ‘e be a kooky case. Though wouldn’t bringin’ Crocodile Isle back from the depths in turn bring trouble fer the Kong Family on Donkey Kong Isle once the Kremlings return ta their former ‘ome?” The Sidestepper pointed out to Captain Coil, hoping he wouldn’t incur the wrath of the captain in doing so. Coil calmly responded to the question: “Nar, don’t worry there, Mr. Clawgrip, once I be rulin’ over the Kremlings by bringing back ol’ Crocodile Isle, I’ll be makin’ some much needed…changes, but regardless, let's tell the rest of the crew ‘bout our agreement, shall we?” Coil responded as he stood up and walked out the door, Cedric sticking out his tongue at Bonnet as Coil walked away.
ClawgripFan9001 nodded in understanding, hoping he could take the Captain’s word for it that he wouldn’t be bothering the Kong Family once he took control of the Kremling Krew. He then stood up from his seat as well, scuttling after Captain Coil as he did so. Bonnet angrily glared at Cedric as the Albatoss taunted her, but kept quiet otherwise. “Ahoy, Winston, Krusha, Blooky! Did Cap’n Coil’s medical officers patch ye up all fine an’ dandy? I certainly ‘ope so, ‘cause Cap’n Coil an’ I got an announcement ta make!” The Sidestepper called up his crew members, after which Winston and Kruncha walked on over to their captain in a subsequent manner. ClawgripFan9001 then gestured to Captain Coil to open the announcement. “After much o’ discussion, we decided ta work together ta find the Heart o’ the Sea! So all you scallywags better be good to yer NEW fellow crewmates, or else…ya hear?” Many of Coil's crew nodded their heads quickly at Coil's response and quickly returned to work, all except Ray, who seemed happy the crew of The Black Peach was tagging along. “Mitch! Supper be startin’ in a few hours, ye hear? So get them pots an’ pans ready! As fer yer ship, Mr. Clawgrip, we’ll be tuggin’ it along with our trusty ol’ hooks, ya hear? Fer now, ye can sleep with the rest o’ me crew below deck.” Captain Coil told his cook to start preparing supper before turning his attention to the Sidestepper.
“Aye aye, Cap’n. We’ll make sure o’ that.” ClawgripFan9001 nodded to Captain Coil, his crew members looking skeptical about teaming up with Captain Coil and his band of pirates, so once they had a moment alone with their captain, they would be able to voice their concerns regarding this partnership. The crew of The Black Peach then began to head on over to their quarters located below deck, sitting down on their beds in doing so.
“Yar, Cap’n ClawgripFan, do ye really be sure ‘bout this partnership with Cap’n Coil? I mean, ‘e attacked The Black Peach, captured poor Bonnet as a bargainin’ tool, an’ worse o’ all, ‘is First Mate be Clamper o’ e’eryone in the Seven Seas. Do ye really believe ‘e’s ta be trusted?” Winston the White Shy Guy asked ClawgripFan9001 with an inquisitive expression forming on his Shy Guy’s mask as he did so. Kruncha hummed his agreement with the First Mate of The Black Peach’s sentiments. “Winston be on the right side o’ the waters there, Cap’n. Do ye really think it’s a wise decision ta forge a partnership with ‘im? After all ‘e an’ ‘is crew did ta our ship an’ crew?” Kruncha chimed in with skepticism about this whole ordeal with Captain Coil and his crew members. Blooky also decided to chime in, “I-I don't think it be a g-good idea, Cap’n…Besides, t-they be kinda scary…”
“Aye, don’t worry ‘bout it, mateys. I be as cautious in dealin’ with Cap’n Coil an’ ‘is men as the lot o’ ye be. ‘Sides, Cap’n Coil ‘olds up ‘is end o’ the deal, an’ we’ll be ‘andsomely repaid fer ‘elpin’ ‘im find the ‘Eart O’ The Sea that’s said ta be located where it’s said ta be accordin’ ta that map Boo1268 gave me. That way, we’ll be able ta patch The Black Peach back ta its former glory prior ta Cap’n Coil’s attack, an’ we’ll ‘ave nourishments fer weeks or months ta come in the aftermath o’ this journey. So I be under the impression that this be ‘nother ‘igh risk, ‘igh gain type o’ deal. An’ that be just ‘ow us pirates like it, nar?” ClawgripFan9001 reassured his crew members, who glanced at each other with skepticism still before looking back at their captain, nodding hesitantly at his reassurance.
“Alright, if ye be so sure ‘bout this, Cap’n, we’ll take yer word fer it. But don’t say we didn’t warn ye if this ‘ole thing do end up goin’ up in smoke, quite figuratively an’ literally.” Winston the White Shy Guy responded to his Captain, with Kruncha nodding his agreement with the First Mate’s sentiments. “Aye, Winston be right on that matter yet again, Cap’n. We don’t usually question yer judgement, but ye really been a couple trees short an orchard in yer mind as o’ late, no offense.” Kruncha chimed in response to what Winston said. ClawgripFan9001 nodded in understanding to his First Mate and Deckhand’s sentiments.
“Yar, none taken, mateys. I do agree that I ‘aven’t been feelin’ like meself as o’ late, yet I can’t ‘zactly put me clawtips on why that be.” ClawgripFan9001 assured his crewmates again. “Anyhoo, fer the time bein’, let’s rest up a bit b’fore Mitch ‘as supper prepared, aye?” He then suggested, with Winston and Kruncha nodding their agreement in silence. Sometime later, after getting some rest, Winston decides to go up deck and help out with the ship and its tasks. While tying down hatches and storing supplies, Winston hears someone say: “Ye be very tough, tougher than any Shy Guy I know.” Turning around, Winston sees Ray the Jean De Filet, who attacked him during The Devil’s Bounty’s initial attack on The Black Peach. “Sorry I smacked you’s around a lot back there, I just be followin’ orders.” Ray responded with sincerity. Winston was surprised to meet with Ray like this after having previously fought him on the deck of The Black Peach. Still, he gave the Jean De Filet the chance to give his apologies and hear him out in doing so. “Yar, that so, huh? Well, based on the way ye introduced yerself when Cap’n Coil were introducin’ ‘is crew members, an’ the way ye were a lot more warmer an’ welcomin’ t’wards me an’ me shipmates o’ The Black Peach, it do sound like ye be followin’ orders rather than actin’ outta pure malice.” Winston nodded in understanding after hearing Ray out about the whole ordeal.
“Aye, well, it be strange ta me, ye know? I be on this crew fer a long time…In fact, Cap’n Coil found me lost at sea, he gave me an’ the rest of this crew a place ta live, but…the way yer Cap’n be talkin to ya, an’ the way he be treatin’ ya, it be alien ta me.” Ray admitted to the White Shy Guy, a puzzled look resting on his face as he compared the way ClawgripFan’s crew operated in comparison to that of Captain Coil.
“It do? Why so?” Winston asked Ray with a curiously raised eyebrow, wondering where the Jean De Filet was going with this. “He be talkin’ ta ya like ye be…I don’t know the words fer it, but…he be talkin’ like ye more than just his crew. ya know? I always been kinda the black sheep of the crew, I be always wantin’ a sense of belongin’ but I never be findin’ it with this here crew…but maybe I…Aw, ferget it, it don’t be important… Although I do be curious, how did ye four end up together anyhow?” Winston listened to Ray, explaining how differently ClawgripFan9001 treated him and the rest of the crew aboard The Black Peach compared to how Captain Coil treated Ray and the rest of his crew, realizing that compared to the rest of Captain Coil’s men, Ray truly was more down to sea. Finally, when the Jean De Filet asked how he and the rest of The Black Peach crew ended up forming, the White Shy Guy began to speak again.
“Well, it all started when I ended up meetin’ ClawgripFan9001 durin’ the events o’ the annual Mushroom World Games, when the event ended up gettin’ crashed an’ sabotaged by the evil General Zellon an’ ‘is seven Zellonlings” Winston then began to tell the tale of how he, Clawgrip and Kruncha met, explaining everything in great detail. “After the events of that adventure, I stuck by ClawgripFan9001, since the two o’ us ended up formin’ quite the close bond o’er the course o’ that adventure. From there, we ended up formin’ the foundin’ lineup o’ The Black Peach. We later ended up meetin’ Kruncha at some point at a place called Port Shywell, where he’d been holed up in e’er since ‘is ol’ crew ‘ad been keelhauled by some kinda evildoer named The Golden Diva, an’ ‘ad been driftin’ aimlessly from port town ta port town lookin’ fer a new purpose in ‘is life, which is ‘ow ‘e ended up joinin’ the crew aboard The Black Peach.” After Winston finished telling the story, Ray was mesmerized by the adventures Clawgrip and his crew had gone on, beginning to understand a bit more why Claw's crew seemed so ‘strange’. Eventually though, it was dinner time ,and all the crew lined up on the deck, setting up a BIG table that was filled to the brim with food, even some exotic foods such dragon fruit, bananas, etc. You could say what you want about Coil’s crew; They knew how to eat well.
“Yar, pluck me pirate flags, mateys. I can guarantee that once Cap’n Coil an’ ‘is men pay us out with a stock o’ nourishments this big, we won’t be ‘avin’ scurvy fer the next ‘alf year or so.” ClawgripFan9001 remarked, impressed at the bountiful feast that Mitch had prepared for everyone tonight, Winston and Kruncha humming and nodding their agreement with this.
Mitch thanked Mr. Clawgrip for the compliments, as the crew continued to dig in, Clamper chimed in, “This be the reward of pillagin’ an’ plunderin’ alright, wouldn’t ye say, Cap’n?” Coil responded: “I agree, Mr. Clamper. Now, Mr. Clawgrip, would ye be so kind as to show us the map ye ‘ave?”
“Aye, aye. ‘Ere be the map that’s said ta lead the lot o’ us t’wards the current restin’ place o’ the ‘Eart o’ the Sea.” ClawgripFan9001 nodded towards Captain Coil as he showed him and the rest of his crew the map he had received from Boo1268 prior to the events of the journey. As Coil looked over the map, he began to read aloud the inscription that the crew previously couldn’t understand flawlessly: “Sail past the fog of the northern sea, as ye reach the waters of ebony, face the trials plagued on yer quest, to face the beast guarding the heart at its crest, there ye will find ye prize, but be weary as it may cost ye lives,” reading the last part of the map it reads, “Beware, the Warnado”.
The crew of The Black Peach looked at one another in unease as Captain Coil read that last part out loud. “Be weary, as it may cost ye lives. Beware, the Warnado.” I wonder what all o’ that means?” Kruncha couldn’t help but ponder out loud from where he was sitting, Winston and ClawgripFan humming their agreement in response to this. After dinner was over and the crew was about to get some shut eye, Clawgrip figured he could help clean up the deck alongside Ray, Clamper & Mitch who was collecting plates, in which the Sidestepper did.
“Yar, quite the feast requires quite the cleanup in the aftermath o’ things, don’t ye think?” ClawgripFan quipped to Ray, Clamper and Mitch, not expecting any friendly chatter from his arch-nemesis, but still trying to get along with him as long as he and his crew were aboard Captain Coil’s ship. “I agree, Clawgrip, an’ that’s why I’m leavin’ YOU three ta pick up the rest! See ya, Mr. Clawgrip!” Clamper walked away smugly as he could to the captains quarters to discuss matters with the captain, not even bothering to help clean up besides the small amount he DID pick up, leaving a mop and bucket behind, with ClawgripFan rolling his eyes in response. “Yar, charmin’ as e’er, that shellhead be…” The Sidestepper muttered under his breath as he picked up the mop and bucket the Durapurl left behind and began using it to clean up the remainder of the mess in the aftermath of supper. Mitch sighs at Clamper's actions, muttering: “He never says thank you…” under his breath. Soon enough, after a bit of cleaning, Ray and Clawgrip almost finish, with Ray finally chiming in: “What were yer other adventures like, Mr. Clawgrip?” Ray asks curiously, ClawgripFan turning towards him in response.
“Aye, I been ‘round a lot in me days o’ seafarin’, so I’ve seen me fair share o’ adventures durin’ that time. The most notable one that come ta mind fer me be the time I saved the annual Mushroom World Games from the evil forces o’ General Zellon, but that’s a tale I’ve told so many times by now, that I refer people ta read ‘bout it in the pages o’ The ‘Shroom instead o’ ‘avin’ ta listen ta me yap about it.” ClawgripFan began to tell Ray, trying to think of any other pirate tales he hadn’t told as often, before having another one come to mind.
“There also be the tale o’ the time I went ta The O’erthere in the aftermath o’ bein’ hurled o’er the side o’ me sailboat durin’ a nasty storm an’ bein’ eaten alive by a Cheep Chomp. I also wrote about that one in the pages o’ The ‘Shroom, but it be one I ‘aven’t told ta other folks in person all that much. Anyhoo, like I said, after I perished from bein’ eaten alive by a Cheep Chomp, I ended up wakin’ in The O’erthere, with a halo above me head an’ a pair o’ angel wings on me back, an’ I ended up coverin’ a sports match goin’ on in The O’erthere that day, it bein’ a lacrosse match ‘tween the brave Nimbis o’ The O’erthere an’ the shady Shaydes o’ The Underwhere.” ClawgripFan9001 then began to tell the Jean De Filet, the story going for quite a bit. As Clawgrip talked Ray became more and more mesmerized, being very invested in Clawgrip's story all the way till the end, however, something inside him nags at his mind as he begins to contemplate asking Clawgrip something, confusion being clear on his face, which the Sidestepper took notice of upon finishing his story.
“Yar, ye okay, matey? Ye be lookin’ kinda outta it.” ClawgripFan asked Ray with a concerned look, waving his claw in front of the Jean De Filet’s face to make sure he was still mentally there. “Aye, it might just be me but…the way ye treat yer crew be strange ta me, Mr. Clawgrip…In the way that ye treat them like there something more, ya know? What be this feelin’ o’ comradery ye all display?” Hearing Ray say this, ClawgripFan’s expression shifted into something more akin to vulnerability, letting out a bleak sigh in the process. “Well, since ye prob’bly be the nicest o’ e’eryone in Captain Coil’s crew, I s’pose I can trust ye with this…Ye see, that feelin’ o’ camaraderie ye see ‘tween me an’ me crew be more than camaraderie. We be found family t’wards each other in a sense, since Winston, Kruncha, an’ me precious pet, Bonnet be the closest thing I’ve got ta family in this ol’ world I be livin’ in. I dunno what ‘appened ta me real, biological family, since I washed ashore somewhere in this world, with all memories o’ me life prior ta that event bein’ wiped clean from me ‘ead. Sea amnesia, they call it.” ClawgripFan revealed to the Jean De Filet in a melancholic tone of voice. “I-I be very sorry Mr. Clawgrip, I can’t imagine what it must be like ta not remember who ye once were, but even still, Cap’n Coil found us all from different parts of the sea, he gives us food, a place ta sleep, he says we should be grateful for what he's givin’ us, but he don’t treat us the same way ye treat yer crew.” Ray responded sorrowfully, clearly seeing the truth behind his eye sockets from what Clawgrip has observed of Coil, the Sidestepper realizing that Ray had everything he could ask for aboard Captain Coil’s ship, except for the most important thing that the Sidestepper himself had valued the most; Love.
“Aye, I could see that from the way Cap’n Coil interacted with ye an’ the rest o’ ‘is men…I be just as sorry fer ye, since ye never found the love that ye need right ‘ere aboard Cap’n Coil’s vessel…” ClawgripFan9001 told Ray, putting a kind hand on the Jean De Filet’s shoulder for emphasis. Ray was confused about Clawgrip’s words. ‘Love?’ ‘Family?’ Ray had never fully understood these concepts before, he was alone most his life even while on the ship, but now he was starting to feel what Clawgrip had described, Nodding at Clawgrip’s words, Ray left Clawgrip’s side and headed to bed, the Captain of the Black Peach joining him as he does so. Soon enough, ClawgripFan9001 tucked into his bed that Captain Coil had assigned for him, turning over in said bed before shutting his eyes and drifting off to sleep.
Random Video Analysis
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| Video by: | Deep Silver |
| Publish date: | May 25, 2016 |
| Views: | 1,847,111 (as of April 18, 2026) |
| Likes: | 6.9K (as of April 18, 2026) |
| Type: | Video game trailer |
Ah... Mighty No. 9. Remember that Mega Man-like game Kickstarted way back in 2013? Everyone was hyped for it, but multiple delays and mismanagement amongst other issues made its supporters quickly turn against the game. Before it did release however, Deep Silver, the game's publisher, uploaded Mighty No. 9 Trailer: Masterclass to YouTube. This was when hope for Mighty No. 9 officially ended, and that's the video I'm choosing for May's Random Video Analysis!
It's been 10 years since that awful trailer arrived on the Internet, so I thought to "celebrate" the 10th anniversary with this section! Prepare for dashing, dashing, and more dashing, because this is an awesome thing that's awesome... or so the announcer says. The point is, buckle up, because it'll be the most awkward video game trailer you'll ever see! Probably.
Do you have a video you feel is special? Feel free to recommend it to me in this thread. Be sure to read the rules before posting, and note that I prioritize those who haven't had a chance to submit yet! I'll even let you add your own thoughts on it at the end!
What's it about?
Being the final trailer before Mighty No. 9's release, you'd think we'd get something that'll hype everyone up for the game right? That's not what happened. Instead, this very bizarre trailer arrives and only extinguishes all hope left for Mighty No. 9. The game already had a complicated development, and this certainly wasn't helping!
The Masterclass trailer features a deep-voiced announcer who tries way too hard to be cool (see the transcript below) while talking about the game's main features: dashing, combos, and absorption boosts, the latter "making bad guys cry like an anime fan on prom night". That's it. There's nothing about the plot, characters, and what it has to offer. To make matters worse, fans got to see the final graphics of Mighty No. 9 and some of the special effects it offers, like the explosions. They look nothing like the concept art and have been memed so, so much on social media.
A bit of a short analysis this month, but it's easier to see why the video is hated by watching it, rather than listening to me talk about it. June will provide something more substantial, hopefully!
Interesting observations
- The announcer in this video is the same one from a previous Mighty No. 9 trailer titled Bring it, which was also cheesy. but not as much as this.
- It's also where Vernon originated from.
- The word "dash" and any variations of it (dashing) were said 6 times.
- The explosions in the trailer are commonly poked fun at by viewers because they look like pizzas. Surprisingly, early versions of Mighty No. 9 had much better looking explosions.
- "Make the bad guys cry like an anime fan on prom night" is easily the worst line in the video. The game and another project by developer Comcept (Red Ash: The Indelible Legend) were planned to have anime, so insulting your fans wasn't a smart move, Deep Silver.
- Takuya Aizu, the president of Inti Creates (another development studio that worked on Mighty No. 9) criticized the trailer on his X (formerly Twitter) account. In his post, he called the trailer "unforgivable" and scolded Deep Silver for it, proving that only Deep Silver was involved with the trailer, so it was entirely their idea.
- Even Sonic The Hedgehog's Twitter (X) account made fun of the trailer! There was a post of a badly cropped Sonic in front of literal pizza explosions. With it was the caption "Dear Anime Fans: On Prom Night, at least we'll still be there for you."
- Although the dislike feature is now hidden, this video has WAY more dislikes than likes. I think there's almost 60K right now?
Gallery
You better get back, or it's gonna attack!
Beck probably realized the trailer's quality.
That's a lot of 0s!
NO ONE'S TALKING TO YOU, VERNON!
Beck looks like something out of Minecraft.
Transcript
This is just too good to pass up on a transcript opportunity! Get ready for cringe.
Narrator: Hey, you, looking at the screen. Let me ask you a question. Do you like awesome things that are awesome? Then you gotta play this game dude; it's frickin' cool and crazy addictive. Like popping bubble wrap addictive! Check this out.
{Now we have a series of clips showing Beck dashing in various ways.}
Narrator: See, that's your dash move. There's a short dash, long dash, jump dash, spiral, slide, there's probably a dash that makes you breakfast, I don't know!
{Cut to show Beck confused.}
Beck: Great idea- wait, what?!
{More gameplay is shown.}
Narrator: Point is, you're dashing around like a frickin' moon man and I love it! Oh, and look at this - there's all these combo moves you can do, then you can do combos on combos to rack up your score! And I know you like that combo on combo action.
{Aviator flies above Beck and drops bombs. Beck is then shown running from very strange-looking explosions before resuming to gameplay.}
Narrator: But I saved the best for last - absorption boosts! You kill an enemy, and you can absorb their powerup. Stuff that'll make you faster and stronger! And make the bad guys cry like an anime fan on prom night! So what do you think? Are you ready to play?
{Cut to show Call and Dr. Sanda.}
Vernon: I'm ready...
{The video freeze and turns to greyscale while the narrator speaks this next line.}
Narrator: No one's talking to you, Vernon!
{A few more gameplay clips are shown without narration before the title of the game (Mighty No. 9) appears on the screen.}
Narrator: Mighty No. 9!
{The title changes to "June 21st" before changing to show the text Pre-order NOW! To receive the "Retro Hero" DLC, along with Beck with the retro skin on the right side of the screen. Below the text is "amazon.com" and below that is "mightyno9.com". On the left side are the physical copies of the PlayStation 4, XBOX One and Wii U versions of the game. A list of the platforms Mighty No. 9 will release on are shown as a list below everything else already described. The video ends after showing this for several seconds.}
| The 'Shroom: Issue 230 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Cloudgazing |
