The 'Shroom:Issue 230/Palette Swap
Director's Notes
Hi, everyone, and welcome back to The 'Shroom!
This month, we celebrate Lakituthequick (talk)'s 100th issue as our website manager! LTQ, you have kept us running, helped with troubleshooting, and contributed so much to the paper in your long career, and all of us can't thank you enough! I hope you can catch some truly wonderful clouds in honor of your 100th issue.
With that in mind, we've got a lot of words down there for you! There's a guest section hemmed by Boo1268 and ClawgripFan9001, a Random Image of the Month from Shoey (talk), and our regular writers and artists have brought their fluffiest, most cumulonimbus offerings for you this month! I won't hold you up here any longer, so get to it!
Happy reading! ~FunkyK38
Section of the Month
Bring on the Section of the Month results! In first place this month is Hint Toad (talk) with Mushroom Kingdom Comics! In second, we have winstein (talk) with The ? Panel! Coming up in third, we have our guest section When Sparks Fly, by Boo1268 and Cloudwalker! Congratulations to all our winners, and a big thank you to everyone who voted!
| PALETTE SWAP SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Mushroom Kingdom Comics! | 11 | 28.21 | Hint Toad (talk) |
| 2nd | The ? Panel | 8 | 20.51% | winstein (talk) |
| 3rd | When Sparks Fly | 6 | 15.38% | Boo1268 and Cloudwalker |
Random Image of the Month
Hello! After a fairly long layover, I'm back with another special Random Image of the Month. I was on the wiki, doing my bi-quarterly check of the proposals when, after checking the talk page proposals and making sure to vote in support of splitting Coin Bandit from Bandit as part of my family's longstanding solemn vow to protect the Bubble Dayzee page at all costs, I made my way to the main proposal page and saw that somebody proposed we bring back Pipe Projects. I was like, "wow, Pipe Projects making a comeback? Huh, I thought everybody who remembered Pipe Projects was dead except, like, Glowsquid!".
Even though I wasn't sure who was around that remembered Pipe Projects, the proposal seems to be popular and people are excited, so that's cool. If you could all join my pressure campaign to force Camwoodstock to write a Pipe Plaza section about the status of the retooled Pipe Projects, that would be aces! Anyway, as part of the proposal, something horrible was brought up – a dark part of the wiki's history I thought we all agreed to leave in the past. Somehow, we dug up the original Pipe Projects logo!
The logo was created by a user known as Warioloaf, a user mostly lost to time. He was one of the early prominent users from back in 2006, and at this point the only active users who personally met him are Glowsquid and Father Time himself, Blocky (there are a few others, but you know, rule of comedy). Warioloaf was one of the standout artists of the early days of the Mario Wiki and is also credited as the original Fake News Director even though he never directed Fake News! He never had a team under him; he just wrote a section called "Fake News" for the first three 'Shroom issues! No matter how many DMs I send Waluigi Time at four in the morning telling him to fix this issue, he refuses to address it!!! Anyway, Warioloaf actually created a couple different versions of the Pipe Projects logo (none of them have aged well), and this one (the longest-running version) was one of the final things he did before he went crazy and got himself banned for vandalism. But oh boy, this image did not stand the test of time!
For starters, what is with this contrast?! Why is Bowser full of black splotches! Why is Rambi just an inconsistent grey? Why does Toad have wrinkles on his cap while Yoshi has thick circles on his nose? It's just an ugly image to look at! Now, of course, I'm sure the answer is that Warioloaf was like sixteen at the time and using bad software to make this image, so I'm not sure if he would have had the capability to fix some of these issues. Still, you'd think he would at least be able to get rid of the black splotches that are all over this image!
I don't really understand what's going on in this image? They're in what seems to be a realistic desert, possibly in Arizona. I don't really see what that has to do with the name Pipe Projects? It seems like they're in some sort of race, 'cause Mario is running, Luigi has tripped, and Donkey Kong is in the Rambi Rider. Side note: why is Donkey Kong in the Rambi Rider? Nobody else is in a kart? Why can't Donkey Kong get his ass out and run like everybody else? Although, if you think about it, Donkey Kong is the only smart person in this group. The American Southwest is long and the cities are spread out! I wouldn't want to be walking it! Speaking of Donkey Kong, the way the ears of the Rambi Rider align with his mouth makes it almost look like Donkey Kong has a grenade pin in his mouth and is about to pull it. That imagery would really change the history of Pipe Projects, if you ask me. Overall, it looks like this is a race, but then the rest of the poses don't make any sense if the characters are supposed to be running.
Wario is in a straight-up fighting pose, looking ready to rock somebody. Yoshi and Toad are aura farming. Also neither one of them appears to be on the ground. Are they currently jumping? Why has Toad jumped so high? Didn't Warioloaf play Super Mario Bros. 2? Toad is terrible at jumping! Then you've got Bowser, who is giving everybody the side eye. Why? Meanwhile, Peach is apparently nine feet tall since she's as tall as Donkey Kong while he's riding the Rambi Rider? I just don't see what this image is going for? It doesn't scream "Pipe Projects" to me. There isn't even a single pipe! It looks like they just threw all the main characters together in the American Southwest and called it a day? When Pipe Projects does get relaunched, I hope they update it with a better logo!
Waluigi Time Comic
Drawn by: Waluigi Time (talk)
"The Cloud"
Panel 1
[Waluigi Time is carrying a computer past Mr. Shbeeg.]
MR. SHBEEG: I'm afraid to ask, but what are you doing?
WALUIGI TIME: Moving the company data to cloud storage
Panel 2
[Shbeeg looks pleased.]
MR. SHBEEG: Wow, that's not a bad idea
Panel 3
[Waluigi Time drops the computer out of a skyscraper window and into a cloud, which it falls through.]
Panel 4
[Waluigi Time shrugs.]
WALUIGI TIME: You know, I don't really see the appeal
The ? Panel
Lakitu: Wowsers! What a huge cloud! It's comfortable too!
Off-screen character: Excuse me, but
{Koopa Troopa, that off-screen character, arrives at the cloud and points at himself. The cloud is still smiling}
Koopa Troopa: Could you please give me a lift?
Lakitu: {Happily opens up his arm to his cloud} Sure! Be my guest!
{Koopa Troopa is already on the cloud. Hammer Bro. and Spike arrives at the cloud, with Hammer Bro holding Spike's shoulder. The cloud is still smiling.}
Hammer Bro.: Mind if we hitch a ride?
Lakitu: {Happy shows the way to the cloud} No, not at all!
{A group consisting of Dry Bones, Ninji, Monty Mole, and Shy Guy arrives. Koopa Troopa looks at the new passengers Spike and Hammer Bro. The cloud is in awe}
Group: We'd like to tag along!
Lakitu: Um... all right. You're all welcome.
{Abruptly, a large group of enemies consisting of Goomba Tower, Pokey, Biddybud, Whomp, Conkdor, Swoop, Chain Chomp, Ant Trooper, Fuzzy, Coin Coffer, Piranha Plant, Skedaddler, Sumo Bro, and Hothead show up. Lakitu and the passengers stare in awe at the size of the incoming crowd}
Large group: How about us? We want to follow to!
Lakitu: {Shocked} Huh? OK! OK!
{Lakitu manages to fit in most of the enemies on the cloud, although Fuzzy and Hothead are at the side of the cloud. The cloud breathes in relief.}
Caption: Later...
Lakitu: *Whew*! It was tough, but I managed to fit in everyone.
Off-screen character: {Flowery} Yoo-hoo!
{Lakitu catches the attention of the off-screen character, while the cloud looks at that character in shock}
{Big Wiggler, that off-screen character, arrives}
Big Wiggler: Do you have room for one more?
{Lakitu's Cloud's eyes pop out, while Lakitu is shocked at the thought of adding more to his cloud. Joining the expression are Koopa Troopa and Skedaddler, but Shy Guy is just looking}
{A magenta-shelled Koopa Troopa points at the sky in panic, pointing at the group of enemies riding Lakitu's big cloud as it drifts in the sky. The silhouettes of Piranha Plant, Fuzzy, Wiggler, Ant Trooper, Conkdor, Goomba Tower, Pokey, Chomp, and Dry Bones' head are visible, and Hothead is lighted up. Thunderbolts emit from the clouds, likely caused by Sumo Bro. The Purple Toad looks at the unusual thing in the sky, unimpressed.}
Toad: This is not what I had in mind when you said you saw a UFO.
Mushroom Kingdom Comics!
Hello, 'Shroom readers! Hint Toad, here, with a brand new comic! Enjoy!
Panel 1
[A Bully is strolling peacefully.]
Panel 2
[Suddenly Mario comes into his view. Bullies can't stand the color red.]
Panel 3
[The Bully goes in for the kill. He charges at Mario and knocks him into the air.]
Panel 4
[The setting is revealed to be Lethal Lava Land]
MARIO: Oh c'mon! We're surrounded by lava for Pete's sake!
Panel 1
NARRATION: Our hero, Super Koopa, has lost his ability to fly.
[Super Koopa is looking depressed.]
Panel 2
[He looks up and sees a Lakitu floating in the sky.]
Panel 3
SUPER KOOPA: Say! There's an idea!
Panel 4
[Super Koopa buys a cloud for himself.]
SUPER KOOPA: One, please!
CASHIER: That'll be 5 coins.
Panel 5
[Super Koopa flies away in his new cloud.]
SUPER KOOPA: Ah, yeah!
Panel 6
SUPER KOOPA: Let's see how high this thing can go...
[Super Koopa flies higher.]
Panel 7-10
ANGRY SUN: Hey, kid! You're not from around here, are you?
SUPER KOOPA: Well... actually... I am....
ANGRY SUN: Yeah yeah... Listen up! Has anyone ever told you the story of Deadalus and Icarus?
SUPER KOOPA: No. Why?
Panel 11
[Super Koopa looks down to see that his cloud has been evaporated by the Sun's heat.]
Panel 12
[Super Koopa free falls.]
ANGRY SUN: You'd think after 3000 years, people would learn.
Shmaluigi, Private Investigator
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk) and Boo1268
Additional dialogue: Hooded Pitohui (talk)
Unlucky Streak: Part 1
Luck is a peculiar concept. A lot of things in life occur by random chance, and sometimes they're good and sometimes they're bad, I'm hardly disputing that. But as for people having some innate quality that makes those chance events tend to work in their favor - or against it - well, that seemed more farfetched to me. How do you even quantify something like that? Even if it did exist, I doubted superstitions like combing your mustache just so or keeping your horns polished had anything to do with it. The things some people come up with, I tell you.
But every now and then, something happens that challenges your preconceived notions. For me, it all started simply enough when I brought in the mail that day...
"Hey Jasmine, look at this. Some clown tried sending me a chain letter," I said, quickly skimming over its contents for my own amusement. "'Send this to ten other people in the next week or you'll have bad luck', yeah, sure, whatever. It's amazing that some people are still gullible enough to keep circulating these things. Not exactly surprising, though..."
"Hm, well I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand. I've never put any stock in those either, but I suppose it's possible someone could've hexed the letter itself," Jasmine warned.
"Just what I don't need, a magic-themed villain of the week," I replied. I doubted such a thing was actually the case, considering the utter mundanity of the situation. More than likely it was just your average joe trying to make me a scapegoat for their superstitious nonsense. "Eh, whatever, I'm not worried."
"If you say so."
I had more important things to do with my day than to think about this, so I crumpled up the letter and prepared to throw it out. My attempt overshot and ricocheted off the wall, landing right in the trash can anyway. Nice. That was the end of that.
Things went along as usual for the next week, and then like clockwork, I was struck with a terrible misfortune... That's right, I had to go shopping at JojaMart. I jest, of course, obviously that had nothing to do with the chain letter, but I think I've made my disdain for the Joja Corporation quite clear. If my career path of being a private investigator ever fell through for some reason, maybe I'd start my own grocery store just to wipe the grin off of Mr. Morris' smug face. I could even call it ShmojaMart, that would be funny.
At least today I had some coupons. If I could hold back a few coins from them here and there, you'd better believe I'd be taking the opportunity - especially since watching the amount of money I owed going up every time the Toad at the checkout counter scanned another item was making my stomach turn. Unfortunately, that's about when things went even more sour than they already were.
"Sorry Mr. Shmaluigi, it looks like these coupons are expired," the Toad said.
"What? Expired? That can't be right, let me see them," I replied. The Toad handed them back to me, and I had to squint just to read the fine print - my groucho glasses doing nothing to assist me - but there it was, today's date listed as the expiration. "No, these should still be good today."
"Well, the system's flagging them... Do you want me to call over the regional manager?"
The regional manager. The words practically echoed ominously as if accompanied by a stinger right out of a horror film. If you took all the career criminals I knew out of consideration, Mr. Morris was the person I despised most - and as far as I was concerned, he probably did belong in that category anyway. But if a brief interaction with him was in service of giving him less of my money, I suppose it was the lesser of two evils. Maybe.
"I guess..."
The Toad left his station to go fetch Mr. Morris, and quickly returned with the seemingly always smug manager in tow. Of course, I've seen him lose his composure whenever he wasn't the one in control of the situation, which unfortunately didn't happen nearly often enough.
"Ah, Mr. Shmaluigi, it's a pleasure to see you. I understand there are coupons in need of inspection. Please do hand them over so we can resolve the matter."
I handed him the coupons for closer inspection, then brushed my gloves on my trenchcoat to discard the Joja germs.
"These are official coupons. That much appears in order. Allow me to…" He adjusted his glasses slightly, bringing the coupons closer to his face. "Ah, there is the issue!" He tapped a finger against a portion of the fine print before tracing a line of print so small it could only barely be called legible. "My sincerest apologies, Mr. Shmaluigi, but as you can read in the printed terms, these coupons expired at precisely noon today."
"What? That's ridiculous. Besides, it's..." I paused, checking my watch. "It's literally 12:01 right now."
Mr. Morris checked his own watch in response. "Oh dear, it appears your watch is running slow. I have the time as 12:02."
I rolled my eyes at how much of a stickler he was being. "Whatever. Look, can you just run these through and we can both move on with our days? I definitely had my groceries on the belt before noon anyway." I didn't have high hopes, knowing I was entirely at the mercy of this stooge. I couldn't even threaten to take my business elsewhere, considering Joja had done a pretty thorough job of starving out most of the competition around here.
"My apologies, but I simply cannot permit the acceptance of any expired coupons. If we are to continue generously showering members of the Joja family with savings, we must be vigilant in guarding against abuses of our deals and discounts! I'm sure you understand as a man with utmost respect for the law, yes?" That nauseating smile crept back onto his face as he dug into his pocket and pulled out a punch card. "Oh, but I do see you are purchasing a package of frozen garlic burritos. Please do accept this card as an apology. After your fifth purchase of this item, you'll receive your sixth for half-off on your next visit!"
Of all the rotten... luck. Hm. Well, that obviously didn't have anything to do with the chain letter. Joja probably has a whole division entirely devoted to coming up with new shameless business decisions on the regular. I begrudgingly took Mr. Morris' paltry excuse for an "apology" and resolved to just move on, knowing I wasn't going to be getting anywhere with him. At the very least I knew I'd certainly be buying more of those burritos in the future, they worked well for diverting Shmwario's attention whenever he came over just to raid my fridge.
Well, I wasn't going to let the incident at JojaMart get me down. I had more important people to focus my mental energy on, namely my wife. It had been a little while since our last date night, and dinner and a movie sounded nice. And I have to say, we had a lovely time, even if I did find that movie a bit cheesy. But at least the salad was good. I never really paid much attention to eggplant before my Shmaluigi days, that was kind of a Waluigi-ism I picked up - I wonder if I always would've liked them, or if spending so much time shaped like Waluigi caused me to acquire some of his tastes? I don't think that's how it works, but you never know.
The next day, it was back to business as usual, and back into the form of Shmaluigi, private investigator. Keeping my identity under wraps wasn't something I considered a matter of life and death anymore with Monty Brando out of the picture, but it was still a nice bonus to be able to pull one over on unsuspecting criminals with my shapeshifting, and, perhaps ironically, it was good for public recognizability - I'd built up quite a name for myself, even if it wasn't actually my real name that was being built up. I suppose it was like putting on a uniform in its own weird way. I still wasn't going to go shouting "I'm actually a Duplighost" from the rooftops, mind you.
But as the day went on, I started to feel rather unwell. It was a feeling I recognized all too well as the clear signs of food poisoning - mostly thanks to Shmwario's last barbecue. At least Shmaisy gave him an earful after that.
Here's a little crash course in Duplighost physiology. Being on the more supernatural side of things comes with its own perks, like being resistant to, say, run-of-the-mill food poisoning. Transformations, though? They're just a little too good, and you're opening yourself up to whatever kinds of injuries, ailments, and what-have-you that you'd expect the new form to be susceptible to. So, something that may not have done me any harm in my true Duplighost form was now starting to wreak havoc on the human systems I'd taken on. And if you'd think just transforming back would solve the problem, no, of course it can't be that simple. You generally can't just shake things off by swapping forms, and even if you'd think it's mutually exclusive, misery finds a way - say you've got a bad pain in your arm, and you change forms to a Goomba, that pain's just going to shift somewhere else. In other less linear cases, you might end up with totally different, and potentially worse, problems to "accommodate". I'm not sure how it all works, I think it has something to do with conservation of energy.
Anyway, I'll spare the details. Suffice to say it was a very unpleasant experience that followed. I was at least grateful that Jasmine wasn't subjected to it too since she wasn't swapping out her entire biology like I was, so... silver linings, I guess? I still refused to attribute any of this to the chain letter, though. It was clearly just coincidence, and I wasn't counting JojaMart anyway, so one event doesn't make a pattern.
Please remember to wash your hands folks, especially if you work in food service.
With the rough week I'd been having so far, I decided to treat myself to my usual order at the Sipping Time Café. Imagine my surprise when I got there and found the entrance blocked by construction pylons and the staff just loitering outside. Hopefully asking the familiar Shy Guy barista would get me to the bottom of this.
"What's going on here?"
"Oh, hey Shmaluigi. We had a water main break, so we're waiting for them to repair it. In the meantime, I'm just playing games on my phone," he explained. "Aw man, another dead rose..."
You've got to be kidding me... When it rains, it pours - pardon the expression. But if you guessed I was still in denial, congratulations, you're the lucky one today. Maybe it was for the best. With how things were going, I'd probably burn my tongue on my coffee or something. Dejected nonetheless, I turned around to go home for another day of sitting at my desk doing things of little consequence while hoping someone would stop by with a case.
On the walk back, I felt the telltale buzzing in my pocket that someone had just sent me a text message. I pulled my phone out to check, only for it to slip from my hand as if all the forces of the universe were conspiring against me simultaneously, and watched helplessly as it clattered along the sidewalk and fell right through the cracks of a storm drain. I know it's tempting fate to ask if things can get any worse, but... seriously? I mean, I had my data backed up in the cloud at least, so that wasn't an issue, but I didn't care to shell out a fistful of coins for a brand new phone right now.
This recovery mission would require... probably the most mundane use of my powers in years. I hadn't seen a phonebooth in New Wikisburg for a very long time for the cliche clandestine transformation - an ironic observation, since I currently found myself in the one situation where it would be useful - so I ducked into a back alley and turned into what I figured would be the best way to fish something from the sewers, a Fishin' Lakitu.
Well, I could see it down there - hopefully the protective case I bought for it was able to hold up in the beating it just went through - now it was just a matter of pulling it back up with a fishing rod. How hard could that be? The next five minutes I spent messing with it to no avail would suggest the answer to that question is "harder than it looks". I did eventually manage to knock it further away, though. Go me.
Alright, alright, plan B. If I couldn't bring the phone to me, I'd have to bring myself to the phone, as unappealing as that seemed. I decided to try out transforming into a Wubba, which actually worked like a charm. I slipped through the grate, slid down the wall, grabbed my phone - well, more like stuck my phone inside of me - and got back out with ease. For once, something actually went right, although going through the sewer like that left me with an oppressively gross feeling. Who knows what kinds of things you can pick up down there, especially being this gooey. Waiting around for something to happen would have to wait for me to take a shower.
Well, you might be able to guess where this was going. When I got home, there was no hot water to speak of. It was certainly melodramatic to say I felt like I was going to freeze to death in there, but I'm sticking with it. I figured the water heater was busted, so after what was probably the quickest shower of my life, I called the person in charge of household repairs - my landlord, Ms. Broxy.
That old Magikoopa was quite the character, I had to say. And, um, pretty good at striking fear into folks despite her small stature, coming from firsthand experience. But she was a little more pleasant these days now that I was remembering to turn in my rent checks on time. She was also pretty relaxed about the Duplighost thing, I guess she didn't care too much where the payments were coming from as long as they were coming in at all.
She showed up at the door not too long after, with her hair tied back and dressed up in coveralls, holding a toolbox in one hand. Still had those big cat eye glasses on, but it was a far cry from the usual pearls and such. "You're lucky I didn't have anything going on right now."
"Oh, yeah, I'm absolutely swimming in luck," I replied sarcastically.
"Alright swimmer boy, follow me," she said, brushing past me to get to work. No matter how many years I rented this place, I got the sense that Ms. Broxy still saw it as her domain, and I suppose that wasn't inaccurate.
"Wait, why? I thought you were going to be the one fixing it," I asked. Our contract did specifically say repairs were the purview of the landlord, after all.
"Because a married man oughta know how to make repairs more complex than twisting a screwdriver. Now are you coming or are you going to make me ask you a second time?" I knew better than to argue with her - she was the type who could win any argument, even if she was objectively wrong. I followed along without another word, watching as she pulled out her tools and pried open panels to work her magic - not actual magic, but from my vantage point it may as well have been. "So, how's married life treating you? The missus doing okay?"
"Yeah, she's doing well. She's been trying to find a job of her own, getting into the detective business wasn't her cup of tea. I can't say I blame her." Turns out that the job market was pretty cutthroat these days, and apparently hiring managers don't really care if the massive gap on your resume only exists because you were kidnapped and brainwashed by the city's leading crime boss. Seriously, cut the poor girl a break... Maybe I'd have to see if I could pull some strings with M-corporated, or I could talk to Mr. Time, if we got really desperate. "But I guess it's like... Before there was always some deep, dark, empty void nagging at me, and now it's filled. That's the best way I could describe it."
Everything aside, I suppose I truly was lucky in the grand scheme of things. I spent so long thinking my soulmate was lost forever, chasing after what form of closure I could still manage to grab ahold of, and look at where we were now. Still, it would be nice if I didn't keep getting so many misfortunes dumped on my head all at once.
"Wow. That's sappy."
Way to undercut the moment there, Broxy.
"I've got to be honest with you, years ago I never would've expected the irresponsible beanpole who was late turning in the rent check every month to settle down and get married," she said, taking a wrench to something or other. I never expected it back then either, although for entirely different reasons. "I appreciate it, though. I've got enough people to barge in on and yell at on a regular basis already. You thinking about having kids?"
Well, that took a sudden and rather personal turn. "Um... I'm pretty sure neither of us are ready for that right now."
"Just wondering if I'm going to need to rent this place out to someone else anytime soon," she mused, continuing to fiddle with the water heater in ways I couldn't competently describe. "It's not exactly spacious for a growing family, especially with the zoning."
"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to get rid of me," I said half-jokingly.
"Hey, you keep turning in the rent on time and you can stay here until I'm six feet under, for all I care. And that's not going to be for a long time if I have anything to say about it." With that, she slammed a panel shut and everything looked the way it was before she showed up. I couldn't say I got anything out of it. "There, you've got hot water again."
"You're a lifesaver, Ms. Broxy."
"Don't mention it, just remember this when payment comes due again," she said, packing everything back into her toolbox and heading for the door. "I don't want to see you slipping into old habits again, you got it?"
On top of everything else, work was pretty slow at the moment. We'd be fine for now, but it wasn't good since my investigative work was our sole income since I'd resigned from the NWPD. I also wasn't afraid to admit that, frankly, I was bored. There was certainly no shortage of crimes to solve at the NWPD, however, and even if I wasn't on the force anymore, I figured there was no harm in offering my assistance on the house. My old police scanner picked up something happening at the New Wikisburg Museum of Natural History, so I decided to drop by and see what was up, finding the place in disarray and several officers on the scene. I made a beeline for Chief Palmer, knowing he would be the best source of information.
"What's the situation here, chief?"
"Oh! Shmaluigi. I didn't expect to see you here," Chief Palmer said, turning to face me. "What, are you rethinking your resignation already?"
"I just have a bit of free time on my hands right now, figured I could lend a hand."
"Well, I can't say no to the extra help. We've got a stolen set of fossils that just came in from Ingot Isle. It's a pretty big deal, the museum was planning on having a big event to show them off this weekend." It was the first I was hearing of any of this, but I didn't really follow archaeology. "With the amount that was reported missing, there must have been a pretty decently sized crew to move it all out."
"Have you gotten security footage yet?"
"That's the thing. The museum was right in the middle of replacing its security systems when this happened, so there's no recordings to speak of. No signs of forced entry anywhere in the building either. We suspect an inside job," the chief explained, and I had to concur.
"That's just great... How about any witnesses, then?"
"Just one, the security guard on duty. And, well..." The chief motioned for me to follow him back through the museum. Aside from a conspicuously empty display of fossils and the NWPD officers buzzing around, things didn't seem too amiss in here - until we got to a large fossil of a Kingfin specimen, crashed in the middle of the tiled floor. It used to be suspended from the ceiling, judging by the now-empty ropes hanging up there. "He got crushed by this Kingfin fossil and knocked out cold. They took him to the hospital in pretty bad shape. Seems like the perps used this as part of their getaway."
"So no security footage, and effectively no witnesses to the crime. Wonderful," I said, knowing the frustration of having no leads all too well. But something was bothering me about the crime scene. "Hmm... Those ropes up there, they're frayed. Not cut or burnt, or anything like that. It's almost like this wasn't done intentionally."
"A freak accident?"
"Maybe," I said. I was starting to formulate some idea of the implications, but I didn't like them.
"We did find one clue," he added, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a plastic baggie. "Our culprit was feeling gutsy enough to leave a calling card."
Well, that changes things. Typically, criminals don't want to be connected to a crime, for obvious reasons. I'm sure I don't have to explain that. But when someone effectively leaves a signature behind like this, they want attention. The ones that want attention are more brazen, more dangerous than your average Joe Criminal who's just trying to make a quick score. And it usually means there's more coming.
I looked closer at the card. I wasn't about to handle evidence from an active investigation, but visually, it seemed to be printed on quality material. The white base went nicely with the gold foil, forming a border around the edges and a stylized depiction of a Koopa shell in the middle. I hadn't seen the design before, but the whole thing struck me as oddly reminiscent of one of my old foes...
"Between the shell design here, and leaving behind a calling card... This reminds me of Terrakingpin, but isn't he in jail after the last time I dealt with him?"
"Actually, no. He vanished a few months back, along with nine others. It seemed like a coordinated effort, but there isn't much connection between the escapees, overall. We've managed to get two of them back into custody since, but they're not talking," the chief explained, with a sigh of frustration. "Anyway, I suppose it's possible, but we'll have to keep our options open at this point."
The chief may not have been entirely convinced yet, but this was enough to convince me that it was about time to go for round three with the wannabe mobster. "Well, I'll look into it and let you know if I find anything. You know me and a hunch. Anything I can help with in the meantime?"
"Well, if you wouldn't mind, could you check up on the security guard's condition? Name's Dion, he's at New Wikisburg General Hospital."
"Sure thing, chief."
I drove to the emergency room - thankfully not taking myself, against what seemed to be all odds. A whole lot of people in need of medical attention today, but I didn't see any doctors until an unusually tall Strollin' Stu passed through, wearing a headlamp and an overly long labcoat that dragged along the ground, not much use getting made out of its sleeves. His lanyard read Dr. Stu Pendus. I quickly ran over to flag him down.
"Excuse me doctor, I'm here on behalf of Chief Palmer from the NWPD. He sent me to check on a Mr. Dion's condition, we need to ask him some questions."
"We finally managed to get him stabilized, but he's gone into a coma. You're not going to be getting anything out of him for the foreseeable future, I'm afraid."
Denial... It only takes you so far.
I've been handwaving away everything bad that was happening to me as sheer coincidence, but it was getting to be too much to bear. It was hard to refute at this point that snubbing that chain letter saddled me with one heck of a curse, and now it wasn't just me, but now it was affecting the NWPD's case, and a man's life was hanging in the balance. This... this was just too much. The letter, of course, was long gone. So the question remained...
What now?
To be continued...
Hi there, thanks for reading the beginning of this new arc! I'd like to thank Boo1268 for pitching this story to me, and Hooded Pitohui for contributing the dialogue for the ever lovable-to-hate Morris once again! That's really all I have to say, sometimes there just isn't much to talk about at the end. So I'll let you move on to the rest of Palette Swap's sections now, and be sure to tune in for part 2 next month!
Die WAH With a Vengeance!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Part 8
After stocking themselves up with the helpful items from the traveling salesman, Najib the Camel, Waluigi and Company returned to their quarters at Circuit Break Stadium, where they arranged their next race on the stadium’s main track, which they promptly took part in. Upon winning the race, they moved up to Rank #14 out of 20. Tad Pop paid the heroes their salary of six Coins in a subsequent manner, leaving the heroes to their peace for the time being afterward. Not too long after, Soarin’ Cal approached the heroes for some more small talk. “Hey, Big Purple. You and your boys heard yet? According to my boys, there’s a girl that’s fairy tale princess levels of pretty hanging out at the Circuit Break Refreshments Center! Just the type of gal I could be totally cool with for a girlfriend, know what I mean? Check her out for me if you can!” Soarin’ Cal informed Waluigi and Company.
“Waluigi will see what he can do, Cal. Waluigi is a busy man, but he might be able to find a spot somewhere in his schedule to take a look at this lady for you.” Waluigi nodded towards Soarin’ Cal in understanding of the situation, making his way on over to the Circuit Break Refreshments Center, where this pretty lady was supposed to be hanging out at. Upon entering the place, Waluigi and Company found that it resembled a type of fast food joint, with the owner being a Jumbo Ray made out of yellow gummy candy wearing a typical fast food worker hat on his head. His name was Ernie Fruitella, and he noticed the heroes entering his establishment, giving them a smile in response.
“Welcome, folks! Name’s Ernie Fruitella, the owner of this humble little establishment that makes up the grander scale of operations that is Circuit Break Island! If there’s anything I can do for you, whether it be a bite to eat, something to drink, or literally anything else, don’t hesitate to ask!” The Jumbo Ray informed Waluigi and Company as they proceeded to walk up to the counter he manned. Waluigi then nodded his understanding as Ernie introduced himself to him and his party members and offered them his services.
“That so, huh? Well, Waluigi was informed by a friend of his that a very pretty lady was to be hanging out around here and asked Waluigi to pay her a visit.” Waluigi explained to Ernie, who nodded in understanding as to what the purple troublemaker was talking about, pointing towards a booth in the left corner of the establishment in response, to which Waluigi and Company turned to look over there, indeed seeing the pretty lady that Soarin’ Cal was talking about - She was a bright pink anthropomorphic frog who bore a strong resemblance to Tad Pop, except with her snow white hair styled in a feminine pompadour along with a sky blue shade of eyeshadow and lipstick decorating her face, and a sky blue cocktail dress with a golden necklace for clothing. Waluigi hummed inquisitively with a curiously raised eyebrow. “She’s the WAH-ne that Waluigi’s friend was referring to, huh?” He asked Ernie.
“She sure is. She’s been a regular at this place for years now, and aside from the regular tourism, she’s also one of the main reasons why this place is doing so well financially, because whenever folks come here specifically to see her, I charge them a fee for talking to her. That said, I’m gonna need you guys to fork over a fee of fifteen Coins if you wanna speak to her. Nothing against you or anything, but I ain’t offering free floor space around here.” Ernie informed Waluigi, who sighed in response but still nodded in understanding as he reached into his pockets and took out the fifteen Coins he had to pay up to Ernie in an orderly manner. “Thank you very much, pal. You can go ahead and strike up a chat with the lady now.” Ernie nodded as he pocketed the payment he just received from Waluigi.
“WAH-lright. Thanks for your help, sir.” Waluigi nodded towards the Jumbo Ray before he walked up to the booth that the lady was sitting at. “Excuse Waluigi, ma’am.” He said to her, prompting her to look up from her meal she was having. “Waluigi was asked by a friend of his to speak to you.” The purple-garbed hellion then informed the lady, who nodded in understanding upon hearing this. “His name is Soarin’ Cal, and he says he has a warm feeling for you in his heart.” Waluigi then elaborated on the matter, prompting an understanding hum and another head nod in response.
“That so, Mr. Waluigi? Well, if that’s the case, give him this if you go back on your way to see him.” The lady responded as she wrote down her phone number along with a short message that read “Call me - Prima Donna” before handing it to Waluigi alongside a sky blue rose. “Be sure to give Mr. Cal my best wishes while you’re at it, too.” The lady, apparently named Prima Donna, informed the purple-clad miscreant, who took the phone number and rose with an affirmative hum as he tucked these two items away inside his inventory in a subsequent manner. “Good day to you too, Mr. Waluigi.” Mrs. Prima Donna then bid Waluigi farewell for the time being, with Waluigi smiling at her and nodded before making his way back towards the Minor League Quarters of the Stadium to deliver the items he received from Mrs. Prima Donna back to Soarin’ Cal.
“Waluigi checked out the pretty lady as you requested, Cal. And Waluigi managed to get you her number as well as a pretty flower from her in the process.” Waluigi informed Soarin’ Cal as he handed the KP Koopa the phone number and rose he received from Mrs. Prima Donna, with Soarin’ Cal being left speechless at the effort that the towering mischievous human male had gone through for him. Chuckling a little at Cal’s reaction to receiving Mrs. Prima Donna’s phone number and a rose from her, Waluigi patted Cal’s shoulder. “You’re WAH-lcome. Now, Waluigi and his friends will be off to tend to other business, so Waluigi and his friends will see you soon.” He told the KP Koopa before he and his party members continued on with their day as usual.
Upon winning their next race, ranking up to #13 out of 20 and receiving their salary payout of seven Coins in the aftermath of things, Waluigi and Company were approached by Soarin’ Cal yet again, though this time around, he had a much more serious expression on his face, which confused the heroes, given Cal was usually much more upbeat in the past. “Hey, listen up, you guys…Keep it under your hard hats, but I’m thinking ‘bout hanging up my race car keys and retiring from kart racing. Don’t get me wrong, I love to race, and I live for the thrill of things, but with all the conspiracy surrounding the Circuit Break League as of late, I think it’s for the best that I get out of the game before I get in too deep, know what I mean?” Soarin’ Cal explained to the heroes, who nodded hesitantly in response.
“WAH-f course, Waluigi’s been there more times than he’d like to admit in the past. Plus, when you look at all the conspiracy that’s been surrounding the Glitz Pit up there in Glitzville prior to Big Red’s arrival during his hunt for the Crystal Stars, Waluigi thinks you’re making the right decision there, Cal. As much as Waluigi loves hanging out with you around these parts, he finds that your safety is much more important than that.” Waluigi assured Soarin’ Cal as he placed his hand on the KP Koopa’s shoulder for emphasis on his statement, Waluigi’s party members nodding their agreement in response.
Soarin’ Cal slightly smiled in response, relieved to hear that Waluigi understood where he was coming from. “Thanks, Big Purple. Glad to know we’re on the same page of thinking when it comes to this kinda stuff. After your next race, I’m outta here. I’m gonna miss y’all with all my heart, but it’s for the best, not only for myself, but for everyone ‘round here as well. But long as your mortal minds are active, and people continue to write about my legacy, I’ll continue to live on as a professional kart racer. Y’all keep doing what you’re doing in the meantime, yeah?” He asked Waluigi and his party members before giving the menace in purple a parting fist bump, which Waluigi returned with a smile and a nod.
“WAH-f course, Cal. Waluigi and his friends will be doing just that. We wish you all the best with your post-retirement lifestyle.” Waluigi bid Soarin’ Cal goodbye as he went off to tend to business once more, giving the KP Koopa one final glance before going on his way. By the time the heroes returned from winning their next race and ranking up to #12 out of 20, they found that Soarin’ Cal was indeed no longer present in the stadium’s Minor League Quarters, having evidently retired from kart racing. “Looks like Soarin’ Cal wasn’t pulling our legs when he said he was going to retire. While we were out on the race track, he packed up his bags and dipped.” Waluigi remarked, his party members nodding their agreement.
“You could certainly say that, Mr. Waluigi. While I’m going to miss him dearly, I will agree that it was for the best that he made the decision to leave the Circuit Break League while he still could, so that he wouldn’t end up suffering the same fate as King K did during the conspiracy of the Glitz Pit in Glitzville.” Bloolex gave his opinion on the matter.
“My sentiments exactly. Dude was a genuinely good guy, so I’d hate for him to meet his Game Over the same way his Glitz Pit counterpart nearly did during the Crystal Star Hunt that Big Red and his gang went on back in the day. So he most definitely made the right decision to tap out of here before fate could shut the doors on him.” Cheesare chimed in his reasoning on the matter as well.
“Likewise, dudes! I’ve known Soarin’ Cal longer than you have, and I can, like, totally confirm the guy is one of the nicest you’ll ever meet ‘round here! So I’m, like, totally bummed to know that he’s retired and heading somewhere that ain’t here, you feel me? Still, I do agree it was better for his health and well-being to leave!” Nicky finally voiced his sentiments on Soarin’ Cal’s departure. Afterward, the heroes proceeded to take on their next race, which they once again proceeded to win, thus letting them rank up to #11 out of 20.
Upon returning to the Minor League Quarters following this race, Waluigi and Company found Bob Bombs and Clefthaddeus discussing the recent departure of Soarin’ Cal from the Circuit Break League and Circuit Break Island as a whole. “Man, I ain’t gonna lie things have gotten pretty quiet ‘round here since Soarin’ Cal left…” Bob Bombs admitted with a melancholic exhale. Clefthaddeus shrugged his nonexistent shoulders in response.
“Maybe. But Cal not add much for Circuit Break League. Now that Cal not here anymore, that means no more dead weight for Circuit Break League.” Clefthaddeus chimed his thoughts on Soarin’ Cal’s departure, prompting Bob Bombs to nudge him in a scolding manner, though Clefthaddeus didn’t appear to react to it in any manner.
“Don’t you go lying in my face like that, Clefthaddeus! I saw you crying over Soarin’ Cal leaving in your storage locker not too long ago!” Bob Bombs chastised Clefthaddeus with an angry expression on his otherwise expressionless face, though Clefthaddeus still gave no kick in response to this scolding from his Bob-Omb roommate. Waluigi and his party members then walked over to the pair, greeting them by raising their hands and then lowering them again. “Ah, Mr. Waluigi. I take it you and your teammates got wind of Soarin’ Cal leaving the League as well, yeah?” Bob Bombs asked the purple-garbed instigator with an inquisitive look, to which Waluigi nodded affirmatively with a hum to emphasize.
“Yeah, Waluigi and his friends did hear about it. Soarin’ Cal informed Waluigi personally shortly before he left. It’s unfortunate that he had to make the decision, but it was the best decision in the interest of his own health and WAH-ll-being.” Waluigi responded to Bob Bombs, who nodded in understanding of the situation.
“Mm, I’ll say. Still, his absence here in the Minor League Quarters of the Circuit Break Stadium can definitely be felt now that he’s gone. Clefthaddeus over here appears to be in denial in regards to the situation, but he won’t admit it.” Bob Bombs responded in return while gesturing to Clefthaddeus, who then turned towards Waluigi and Company in a subsequent fashion.
“Bob Bombs talk nonsense. Me not in denial of Soarin’ Cal leaving. Him leaving mean less filler in Circuit Break Minor League slots.” Clefthaddeus informed Waluigi and Company, prompting Bob Bombs to groan in irritation, though the heroes nodded their reluctance so as to not get on Clefthaddeus’ bad side for the time being. “Now Clefthaddeus just return to business as usual, so leave Clefthaddeus be.” The Hyper Bald Cleft informed the heroes as he went off to do just that, leaving them with Bob Bombs in the process.
“Man, things really are feeling empty around here now, what with Soarin’ Cal gone and Ian Thieving being rarely in here and all…This’ll take some time getting used to…” Bob Bombs admitted to Waluigi and Company, who nodded in understanding, with Waluigi kneeling down to Bob Bombs’ height for ease of speaking to him as the purple-garbed mischief-maker put a comforting hand on the Bob-Omb’s nonexistent shoulder.
“Waluigi understands you miss Soarin’ Cal, Bob Bombs. Waluigi is sure that Soarin’ Cal misses you too. But he wouldn’t want you to feel so down in the dumps over him leaving, WAH-lright? Life here in the Circuit Break League carries on, even with Soarin’ Cal no longer here, so chin up, and know that there’s better times to come around Circuit Break Island, WAH?” The thinly-built anti-hero told Bob Bombs with a reassuring smile and an equally reassuring tone of voice, with his party members sharing those reassuring smiles whilst nodding their agreement with the sentiments of their team leader.
Bob Bombs took a moment to take in what Waluigi just told him, then nodded in understanding. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right, Mr. Waluigi. This heavy cloud might be hanging over my head right now, but it’ll give way for sunny days and blue skies soon enough. Thanks for helping me realize that.” He thanked the lanky impish male for the words of comfort he provided the Bob-Omb racer with. Waluigi nodded once more, keeping a reassuring smile as he gave Bob Bombs a pat on the back before standing back up again.
“Waluigi was happy to help, Bob Bombs. For now, though, Waluigi and his friends will have to go back to their daily schedules out here on Circuit Break Island.” Waluigi told his new Bob-Omb friend, before Tad Pop proceeded to enter the Minor League Quarters alongside a Ratooey made out of vanilla ice cream, prompting Waluigi and Company, as well as Bob Bombs to look on at the scene that was about to play out in front of them.
“A warm welcome to the Circuit Break League, Mr. Rodent Petty. We’re glad to have you as part of the lineup of professional kart racers that roll down the tracks of Circuit Break Island on a daily basis. Now, as a novice racer, you’re going to have to start from the bottom of the League’s standings, in the Minor League. As such, these Minor League Quarters are where you will be staying while you are racing within this particular branch of the Circuit Break League. If you wish to arrange for a race to take place on the main track of the Stadium, then you must use this terminal over here to speak with the League Promoter, and he will arrange everything for you immediately. After that, it’s just a matter of making your way down to the garage by the main track, pick the kart you wish to use during the race, and then it’s just a matter of waiting for the green flag to be waved.” Tad Pop explained to the newcomer, just like she had done with Waluigi and Company when they first joined the Circuit Break League. The Ratooey, whose name was revealed to be Rodent Petty, nodded in understanding and used the terminal just as Tad Pop had instructed him to do.
Upon having successfully arranged his debut race, Rodent Petty turned his attention towards Waluigi and Company, as well as Bob Bombs. “Oh, hello there. Are you my new roommates? Like Miss Tad Pop over here said, my name’s Rodent Petty. I’m here to join the League to fill up the vacant slot in the standings, so I hope we’ll be able to get along going forward.” Rodent Petty greeted his new roommates before taking his leave from the Minor League Quarters to head towards the garage to select his kart for his debut race, Tad Pop joining him as he did so. Afterward, Waluigi and Company shifted their attention back towards Bob Bombs, who looked just as puzzled about the whole ordeal as they were.
“Well, that was, uh…Interesting, to say the least.” Bob Bombs picked up awkwardly, to which Waluigi and his party members nodded their agreement. “Well, you and your party members continue looking after yourselves, alright, Mr. Waluigi? Things can only go uphill or downhill from here at any given moment, so be careful out there.” He advised the skinny rabble-rouser, who once again nodded his affirmation in response.
“Don’t worry, Bob Bombs. Waluigi and his friends will be doing just that.” Waluigi assured the veteran Bob-Omb racer before he and his party members went on with their day like they usually did. During the next race they took part in, they first crossed paths with Rodent Petty and his kart racing team, The Ratooey Pack, which, true to its name, consisted of four Ratooeys made out of different flavors of ice cream, with Rodent Petty being the leader in aforementioned vanilla flavor. His three teammates appeared to be made of strawberry, chocolate and mint flavored ice cream, respectively. The four of them looked to be driving a Wild Wing kart dyed in the various colors of ice cream flavors they represented.
“Just because we’re friends off-track doesn’t mean we’ll be going easy on you during the race itself, Mr. Waluigi! It’s still a demolition derby, after all!” Rodent Petty informed Waluigi before he and his teammates engaged the naughty beanstalk man and his party in battle. Each of the four Ratooeys then struck first by pelting Waluigi and his party members with pieces of cheese, which didn’t do a whole lot of damage to the heroes, since they were just ordinary pieces of cheese, after all. Waluigi and his party members laughed at the dinky attacks their opponents just used on them, prompting Rodent Petty and his team to look on in a rather nervous manner, anxiously accepting what would happen to them next.
“Those wimpy little attacks didn’t hurt at all! Now it’s Waluigi and Company’s turn!” Waluigi chortled before ramming his Offroader kart into The Ratooey Pack’s Wild Wing kart with a Swerving Swipe attack, to which the ginormous gerbils yelled in agony. Bloolex followed this up with a Rapid Halberd Spin attack, prompting the verminious foes to squeal in pain. Cheesare then used his Cheddar Bombardment attack to drench the rodentious mammal meddlers in a dollop of sticky molten cheese, giving them a taste of their own medicine in the process. Nicky then finished The Ratooey Pack off with a Shell Shot attack, causing their kart to get run off the track and break down, rendering them out of the race. Waluigi and Company proceeded to high five one another in a fight well done as they continued their journey towards first place. Eventually, they came across Bob Bombs and his team of three fellow Bob-Ombs, named The Riot Control Gang. Bob Bombs noticed the purple troublemaker and his party as they approached him and his own team, driving in a black and yellow colored Honeycoupe/Dragonetti. “Alright then, Mr. Waluigi. It’s time for us to settle things out here on the race track, right now.” Bob Bombs informed Waluigi before taking the slinky smart aleck and his posse of partners on in battle.
The Riot Control Gang opened up the battle by performing their own variant of a Swerving Swipe attack, appropriately named the Squaddie Swipe, which dealt a good amount of damage to the kart Waluigi and Company were driving, though due to the size difference between the two karts, it didn’t do as much damage as the heroes’ Swerving Swipe attack did. Waluigi and Company then retaliated with a Boomerang Helmet attack courtesy of Waluigi, a Cephalopod Surge attack courtesy of Bloolex, a Sla-Douken attack courtesy of Cheesare, and finally, a strong whack to the cranium courtesy of Nicky and his torque wrench. The attacks were enough to make Bob Bombs and his teammates blow a fuse, both figuratively and literally, causing them to get tired out and run their kart off the track in the process, thus ruling them out of combat. This left Waluigi and Company to go on an unopposed drive towards first place, leading to their umpteenth victory since joining the Circuit Break League as they cheered in euphoria. “WAH-nderful! All this work Waluigi’s doing on the fast lanes of Circuit Break Island goes to show that Waluigi really is the crème de la crème of the Mushroom Kingdom’s lineup of major players, not just a bottom feeder of that category!” Waluigi cheered in satisfaction as he slowly but surely began to ride his kart back towards the garage so that Nicky’s mechanic buddies could patch it up for future racing endeavors. Upon leaving the garage and heading back to the Minor League Quarters, the heroes yet again received their payment for their bang-up job in the lanes of the Circuit Break Stadium, after which Tad Pop left them to their peace.
“So, unless Waluigi’s mistaken, we’re currently ranked #10 out of 20 within the leaderboard of the Circuit Break League, aren’t we? If so, we must be getting pretty close to entering the Major League standings of the leaderboard. Let Waluigi check if some kind of special racing event can be arranged to try and get us promoted into the Major League…” The purple-clad loose cannon mumbled to himself as he walked up to the Racing Reservation System before accessing it to arrange another race by contacting Florian Kniphofia. The Floro Sapien promoter appeared on screen in a subsequent manner, delighted at seeing Waluigi staring back at him through the screen once he did. “Good day to you, Mr. Kniphofia. Listen, Waluigi was wondering, since we’re ranked smack dab in the middle of the League’s tables as we speak, is there some possibility for Waluigi and his team to be promoted to the Major League?” He inquired of the promoter with a curious tilt of his head, giving him a long look.
“That’s a really good question, Mr. Waluigi! And the answer is “Yes!” There is a way for you and your team to be promoted to the Major League and getting yourselves closer to getting crowned the champions of Circuit Break Island, and that’s by challenging the Minor League Champion racers; The Iron Chancellors! Would you like me to arrange a special title bout race with these gentlemen right away?” Florian Kniphofia asked Waluigi upon having answered his question, to which Waluigi glanced towards his party members in response before shifting his focus back towards Florian and finally nodding in affirmation.
“WAH-huh, Waluigi would like that very much. One last question, though; Do Waluigi and his team get the pick of a special vehicle fit for this title bout derby?” The thinly-built miscreant again inquired of the Floro Sapien promoter, placing his right hand against his chin for emphasis. Florian hummed affirmatively and nodded in response. “WAH-nderful. In that case, Waluigi and his team will be down at the garage to pick up their special vehicle they’re going to use in the title bout right away.” Waluigi nodded back in response before the Racing Reservation System’s screen went blank again, after which the meager anti-hero quickly made his way towards the garage with his party members in tow. Nicky’s mechanic friends were already waiting for them and lit up with glee upon seeing them arrive.
“Ah, Mr. Waluigi! We were already expecting you! Since you’re going up against the Minor League Champions of the Circuit Break League, we’ve crafted together a rather spectacular battle vessel for you and your team to fight it out against The Iron Chancellors! Come take a look!” One of the Spiky Parabuzzy mechanics informed Waluigi before guiding him and his teammates towards the W-2000 WAH-VY Kart, which resembled a US M103 heavy tank. Needless to say, Waluigi and Company were impressed at what the mechanics had provided them with in terms of a vehicle for their upcoming title bout. “Pretty amazing, isn’t it? Here’s the keys, so go ahead and take her for a spin against the last obstacle in your way of reaching the Major League! Good luck!” The mechanic told Waluigi as he handed him the keys, after which the heroes proceeded to settle down inside their kart and rode it out onto the race car track in a consecutive fashion, being greeted with thunderous cheers and applause from the Circuit Break Stadium crowd as they slowly but surely made their way towards the starting line of the title bout race. Needless to say, such a positive reception really did the protagonistic posse a world of good, causing them to estimate their chances in coming out of this race victorious higher than they initially would.
Florian Kniphofia was shown standing on his usual spot on the podium situated between the turnpikes that made up the main course of the Circuit Break Stadium, his microphone grasped firmly in his hand and his charismatic smile plastered across his face. “And now, for today’s main event; Our rookie racing team that’s been taking Circuit Break Island by storm as of late, The Waluigi Fury Roadsters, will be facing off against the currently reigning Minor League Champions; The Iron Chancellors! Please put your hands together for the Minor League Champion Team as they make their way towards the starting line!” The Floro Sapien promoter proudly announced after Waluigi and Company had pulled up to the starting line before glancing towards the entrance to the course that The Iron Chancellors would be emerging from, and surely enough, they did; The Iron Chancellors were revealed to be a pair of Iron Clefts with yellow and purple shoes, referencing the primary colors that Wario and Waluigi regularly wore. These Iron Clefts, named Yellow Owl and Purple Swallow, respectively, drove a kart named the IR-011 Steel Imp, which resembled a Soviet Russian T-10 heavy tank. As they rode towards the starting line, they were also met with a round of cheers and applause from the crowd up in the bleachers, which they gladly accepted before finally pulling up to the starting line, right next to Waluigi and Company with a pair of overconfident smirks on their faces as they glanced at the heroes.
“Bluh huh huh huh huh! So you guys are supposed to be the rookies who’ve been tussling with all the weakling Minor League teams dwelling underneath us all this time, are you? What a joke!” Yellow Owl laughed and taunted Waluigi and his party members. “Bluh huh huh huh huh! What Yellow said! You guys couldn’t strike an elephant in the rear end with a Blue Spiny Shell at point blank range!” Purple Swallow also laughed while taunting the heroes, who were prompted to roll their eyes in response to the Iron Clefts’ cockiness.
“WAH-t a pair of nitwits you are. Looks like Waluigi and his friends are going to have to humble you over the course of this race we’ll be having today.” Waluigi mocked the Iron Clefts’ arrogance, his party members humming their agreement with this sentiment as Waluigi kept one hand on the steering wheel while keeping his other hand on the transmission as he prepared to take off, Yellow Owl doing the same thing, since he was the one driving for his team, except for the lack of hands on his part. Florian Kniphofia smiled as he saw that both racing parties were eager to get started and began to prepare to give off the starting signal in an obligatory manner upon doing so.
“Alright, it seems that both combating parties are set! It’s time for a DEMOLITION DERBY TO DECIDE THE NEW REIGNING MINOR LEAGUE CHAMPIONS OF THE CIRCUIT BREAK LEAGUE!” Florian Kniphofia’s voice boomed with excitement across the stadium before both teams took off in their battlemobiles and the heroes’ next boss fight began.
“WAH-CHO! Just because you walking lumps of iron are made of an impenetrable substance doesn’t mean that you’re unbeatable! Waluigi and his WAH-mazing friends will be putting the nix on your parlor tricks!” The purple troublemaker firmly told The Iron Chancellors with an equally firm expression plastered across his face as he did so. He then proceeded to put his words into practice by using the cannon on his vehicle to perform a WAHR-Luigi Blast attack on the Iron Clefts and their vehicle, causing the Iron Clefts to roar in anger. “Bloolex, why don’t you show these ironsiders some of your elemental tricks?” Waluigi then suggested to his Blooper ally, who nodded in affirmation.
“You got it, Mr. Waluigi! Over the course of our last couple of battles, I’ve learned a new elemental technique I’ve been itching to try out!” Bloolex informed Waluigi before he proceeded to use one of his new elemental attacks on The Iron Chancellors; It was called Somewhere Over The Rainbow, and it involved Bloolex launching a rainbow at his enemies, which caused Purple Swallow to be launched into Yellow Owl, damaging both Iron Clefts and causing them to howl in pain in the process. “Well, what do you know? My new elemental techniques prove to be rather useful in exploiting those Iron Clefts’ weak points!” Bloolex chortled in joy upon finding that his attack proved to be useful against his current opponents. Cheesare hummed his agreement on the matter, pondering if he had any attacks that could use the weak points of The Iron Chancellors to his advantage.
“Nice going on cracking that case for us, Bloolex. Now let me see if I can keep that clobbering spree going for our team.” The hamburger-esque Spinia chimed before he too proceeded to try out a recently learned technique against The Iron Chancellors; The Condiment Wind Attack, which was a parody of the Condor Wind attack from Street Fighter VI. This status-boosting attack proceeded to raise Cheesare’s attack and speed immensely, allowing him to attack twice in one turn. As such, he proceeded to follow the attack up with another recently learned one; The Condiment Spire, a parody of the Condor Spire attack from the Street Fighter series. Unlike the attack it was based on, however, the Condiment Spire was used to launch strings of solid ketchup, mustard and mayo at Cheesare’s opponents, which, in this fight against The Iron Chancellors, proved to be very helpful, as the attack once again caused Purple Swallow to be launched into Yellow Owl, causing them to sustain damage and moan in pain in the process.
“Totally radical, dudes! We keep this up, we’ll have these ironheads busted in nothing flat!” Nicky hollered with excitement at the situation before he proceeded to close out Team Waluigi’s turn by using a newly learned attack called Home Run, which involved using his torque wrench as a baseball bat, lifting Purple Swallow off the ground with his torque wrench, then slugging Purple Swallow into Yellow Owl as if the purple shoe-wearing Iron Cleft were a baseball. The two Iron Clefts yelped in pain from the impact of the attack, and they looked stressed as they realized that Waluigi and Company had discovered their weak points, meaning major trouble for them during this fight.
“Bogus, Yellow! Those greased racers found our weak spots! What do we do?!” Purple Swallow asked his partner in-crime in a stressful tone of voice, his face radiating equal anxiety. Yellow Owl’s expression also showed off some uneasiness, though nowhere near as badly as his purple shoe-wearing counterpart. “We keep fighting ‘till the bitter end. Ain’t over ‘till it’s over. That’s something my old man taught me when he was showing me the ropes during my rookie years as a racer. So let’s give those rotten peppers a run for their money!” Yellow Owl told Purple Swallow, who nodded in response as the two Iron Clefts retaliated against Waluigi and Company called Rocketman, which involved launching a Banzai Bill from their vehicle’s cannon at the heroes, dealing out a grand dose of damage against them, and causing them to cry out in pain simultaneously. After that, it was Team Waluigi’s turn again. Waluigi shook off the impact of The Iron Chancellors’ attack as his face was radiating the confidence it pretty much always did.
“Suffering that attack from you is a most Bogus Journey, you pathetic pair of pitiful pinheads! Allow Waluigi to show you how to be EXCELLENT to WAH-ne another!” The purple-garbed miscreant taunted his enemies before using the cannon on his own vehicle to perform a WAH-ter Works attack on The Iron Chancellors, launching a burst of poisonous water at the Iron Clefts, with the attack proving to be effective due to corrosion caused by moisture and oxygen combined when iron is exposed to it, thus significantly damaging The Iron Chancellors as they screamed in pain. “WAH-hey! How did you ironbrains like that?!” Waluigi smirked at the Iron Clefts before gesturing towards Bloolex to keep the streak going.
“Not very much, I imagine, Mr. Waluigi. So allow me to brighten up their mood with a colorful experience!” Bloolex giggled as he used another rainbow-based attack against The Iron Chancellors known as Double Rainbow All The Way, which involved the Blooper launching a twin stream of rainbows at his opponents, once again sending Purple Swallow into Yellow Owl, dishing out major damage against the two of them as they chattered in pain. The Blooper then tentacle waved towards Cheesare that he was good to target the Iron Clefts next, to which the Spinia nodded his understanding and stepped forward to do just that.
“I’ll take it up a notch by giving them a ranch dressing!” Cheesare chimed in as he used another newly learned condiment-based attack known as the Ranch Drench, which involved the Spinia summoning a super soaker gun from thin air and using it to drench his opponents in ranch dressing, moisturizing, airing and corroding them whilst handing out extensive impairment at the same time. The Iron Chancellors groaned in agony as a result of this, and Cheesare bopped his head towards Nicky to give him the go-ahead to close out Team Waluigi’s next turn at combat, in which the Spiky Parabuzzy did so by once again using his Home Run attack against the Iron Cleft racers, causing them to bawl in pain in response.
“I’ll bet my boots that no one expected to be taken out to the ball game here on Circuit Break Island today, dudes.” Nicky giggled a bit more in amusement at his baseball-themed jokes before it was The Iron Chancellors’ turn to attack once again. They proceeded to use the cannon on their vehicle to execute a Spike Ball Saigon attack, which involved launching a Spike Ball resembling the ones that Bowser could curl into in Mario and Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story at Waluigi and Company, making the heroes caw out in pain once the attack made contact with them. It didn’t hinder the heroes’ will to try and finish The Iron Chancellors off, however. “Let’s not back down in the face of this challenge, dudes! It’s our first major obstacle on the road to becoming the Circuit Break League Champions, so if we’re to earn our stripes for getting there, then we gotta give these ironhide nitwits a well-deserved trashing!” Nicky told his teammates to boost their morale, in which they nodded their agreement. “Glad we’re on the same page! Now let’s rock some more!”
Waluigi then opened his team’s next turn of attack by yet again using the cannon on his vehicle to unleash a Nuclear WAHR-Head attack on The Iron Chancellors by launching a giant glowing green candy warhead at the enemy vehicle, causing it to start emitting smoke as a result of being battle-worn from all the damage it had sustained so far. “Things aren’t looking good for us, Yellow. I think we better start preparing for our inevitable dethroning as Minor League Champions.” Purple Swallow warned his yellow shoe-wearing counterpart with a concerned expression resting on his face, to which Yellow Owl nodded his agreement.
“That we should, Purple. But we aren’t gonna give these guys the privilege of getting taken out like sitting ducks - As I was saying, we’ll continue fighting until the bitter end, regardless of how futile our efforts may be.” Yellow Owl told Purple Swallow, who hesitantly nodded his agreement with that sentiment. In the meantime, Bloolex used another one of his newly learned rainbow-based attacks against The Iron Chancellors, this one being called Rainbow Road, named after the hardest track in the Mario Kart series, and it involved Bloolex summoning a rainbow that he proceeded to ride on before bashing Purple Swallow into Yellow Owl using the might of the rainbow, causing the pair of Iron Clefts to grunt in pain. Cheesare then followed this up with another newly learned condiment-based attack known as Garlic Sauce Gusher - As per the name of the attack, it involved the hamburger-like Spinia summoning another super soaker from thin air and using it to saturate his enemies using a stream of garlic sauce while inflicting the Poison status ailment on them in the process, causing them to gradually lose HP with every turn.
“Gnarly! Let’s continue giving these kooks a nasty backwashing, okay, dudes?” Nicky suggested to his party members before proceeding to close out his team’s next turn of attack with a Buzzy Buster move, which involved deflecting Purple Swallow’s subsequent charging attack with a Superguard-like spin of his Parabuzzy shell, thus knocking Purple Swallow back into Yellow Owl, prompting a pained holler from the pair of Iron Clefts in response. “Pumping, bro!” Nicky exclaimed excitedly as it was now The Iron Chancellors’ turn to attack again. Due to the Poison status ailment Cheesare inflicted on them earlier, they both lost a single HP and subsequently grunted from this. Nevertheless, they used their vehicle’s cannon to launch an oversized Orange Grenade at Waluigi and Company, said Orange Grenade exploding upon contact with the heroes’ vehicle, causing them to exclaim in discomfort. Afterward, it was Waluigi and Company’s turn to attack yet again.
“Cannonball!” Waluigi shouted as he performed a WAH-Bash Cannonball attack using the cannon on his battle vessel, launching a large-sized cannonball with his emblem imprinted on the front at The Iron Chancellors’ vessel, forcing more grandiose blemish on it as a result and causing it to start emitting darker and thicker clouds of smoke. Bloolex then followed this attack up with another Double Rainbow All The Way move, after which Cheesare performed another Condiment Spire attack, finalized with another Home Run attack courtesy of Nicky, which, in combination with the subsequent effects of the Poison status ailment, was enough to send The Iron Chancellors plunging into the depths of defeat as their tank started sputtering while rolling off the track, the pair of Iron Clefts letting out unintelligible sounds of blubbering to go along with this. Waluigi and Company then let out joyful noises in celebration of their victory over the now dethroned Minor League Champions of Circuit Break Island, and they soon managed to reach the finish line not too long afterward.
Upon crossing the finish line, Waluigi and Company were greeted with thunderous cheers and applause from the crowd perched upon the bleachers above them, with both Florian Kniphofia and Tad Pop rushing up to them as Tad Pop handed Waluigi a silver trophy with the Circuit Break Island Emblem engraved inside of it to signify the purple troublemaker and his team being the new Minor League Champions. Holding up the trophy above his head with a jolly laugh, Waluigi was soon caught in an equally joyful hug from Florian Kniphofia. “Woo-wee, Mr. Waluigi!” Florian Kniphofia exclaimed pridefully before the Floro Sapien promoter took the thinly-built mischief-maker on his shoulders, with Waluigi, his party members, Florian and Tad Pop all waving towards the crowd above in a subsequent manner. Following these celebrations, Waluigi and Company met with Florian and Tad Pop in the Minor League Quarters. “You boys are off to a great start within the Circuit Break League, Mr. Waluigi! The Minor League Trophy’s all yours, meaning you’re the new Minor League Champions! Which additionally means you’ll also be promoted to the Major League Quarters within the Circuit Break Stadium, so I suggest you pack your things and bid your former Minor League Quartermates farewell as you make your move to the Major League Quarters!” Florian suggested Waluigi and Company, who nodded in understanding.
“Understood, sir. Waluigi and his friends will do just that.” Waluigi acknowledged what the promoter was telling him as they began to pack their things before parting with their Minor League Quartermates before Tad Pop proceeded to escort the heroes towards the Major League Quarters, which was where they would be staying for the second phase of their stay at Circuit Break Stadium. “WAH-ll then, we’ve gone quite a leg up in comfort as far as accommodation is concerned, wouldn’t you say?” Waluigi asked his party members, who nodded their agreement with that sentiment.
“You could certainly say that, Mr. Waluigi. Though I do have to say that the racers living in these quarters are not as friendly as the ones in the Minor League Quarters were…” Bloolex admitted as he glanced around the racers that lived in the Major League Quarters, who looked like they took racing a lot more seriously compared to those racing in the Minor League. Waluigi hummed his agreement with his Blooper ally’s sentiment before shifting his focus back towards Tad Pop for any additional information the heroes might require before the frog woman took her inevitable leave from the Major League Quarters.
“Well, I think it’s needless to say that you’ll be residing here in the Major League Quarters while you’re ranked in the Major League of the Circuit Break Stadium. The Racing Reservation System works the same as it did in the Minor League, although compared to the Minor League, the races are bound to gradually get harder from here on out. But I have it on full confidence that it’s nothing for a person as strong as yourself to handle, am I right, Mr. Waluigi?” Tad Pop asked the purple-garbed miscreant after explaining the basics of the Major League Quarters to him, to which Waluigi hummed his affirmation, nodding for emphasis. “If you say so, then your words please me. I must be off now, but I have no doubt I’ll be meeting with you again real soon.” Tad Pop nodded, satisfied with Waluigi’s answer before departing from the Major League Quarters.
“Wah-t a day. Waluigi could really do with some rest in the aftermath of all of this.” Waluigi admitted as he stretched and yawned before lightly scratching his back with a fatigue-ridden expression resting on his face. His party members hummed their agreement, also feeling exhausted after the heck of a fight they just emerged victorious from. Suddenly, Boobwuss Yammerton came into the Major League Quarters, shutting the door behind him as he did so, much to the surprise of Waluigi and Company, but the rest of the Major League Quarters’ inhabitants didn’t look all that impressed at the Circuit Break League Champion coming into their domain. “Wah?!” Waluigi exclaimed in confusion as to what Boobwuss Yammerton was doing here, but he’d find out soon enough as the brightly-hued Bully made his entrance speech to the Quarters’ tenants.
“Make way for the Champ, peons! Now, listen up, y’hear? Word’s on the streets of Circuit Break Island that some big shot rookie’s been plowing his way through the ranks of the Minor League! Y’all know who it is?” Boobwuss Yammerton asked the tenants of the Major League Quarters before turning towards Waluigi, looking surprised upon seeing him. “It’s you, ain’t it? Yeah, your beanpole build makes ya stick out like a sore thumb in a crowd of thumbs that are supposed to be flashed in my direction!” Boobwuss Yammerton taunted the skinny impish male, who raised a confused eyebrow in response, tilting his head inquisitively for emphasis. “How did a stringbeaned ogre like you beat all those wimpy nerds down in the Minor League?! What a joke! It’s a waste of time for me to come all the way over here, only to find that the hotshot novice who’s been the talk of the stadium is nothing but a big-nosed, gaunt, sizable oaf!” Boobwuss Yammerton laughed at the sight of Waluigi.
“Wah?! For your information, buddy, Waluigi is more than meets the eye! Waluigi has traveled the corners of the aftergame, and Waluigi has been blessed by King Grambi himself with these heaven-sent habiliments, as well as a flock of faithful steeds who are patiently awaiting Waluigi’s return in the stables outside the stadium!” Waluigi angrily bit back at Boobwuss Yammerton’s taunting, his party members also turning hostile towards the flashy Bully in the process. “So you best keep your trash talk to yourself, because sooner or later, Waluigi will be nicking that Circuit Break League Cup off of your greasy metallic hide!” Waluigi then warned Boobwuss Yammerton, who broke out the Circuit Break League Cup in response, holding it firmly in his nonexistent hands for emphasis.
“You mean this? Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dream on, Waloser-igi! You ever try to square off against me on the kart racing track out here, and you’ll be worse for wear than the wardrobe malfunction that green-clad pipsqueak you take after committed during the events he went through to defeat that two-headed snake down