The 'Shroom:Issue 227/Palette Swap
Director's Notes
Hi all! Welcome back to the February issue of The 'Shroom!
Where I live now, we're having some unusually warm spring-like weather, which everyone is enjoying as we came out of three miserable weeks of cold and snow and wind. I know this Fools' Spring won't last too long, but I'm going to enjoy it before the thermometer drops back down into the teens for the rest of winter. It sure is nice to be able to see the road again, though.
Hopefully next month, there will be more to talk about here- between this month's 'Shroom and next month's, Pokemon Day falls right in the middle, and since it's the 30th anniversary of the series, we're expecting something special. As long as it's better than Legends ZA, I'll be happy! In the meantime, I'll continue on my quest to finish X and then move on to a different game in the series.
Everyone is here this month, and they've brought their best for you, so I won't keep blabbing on up here. See you next month!
Happy reading! ~FunkyK38
Section of the Month
Let's take a look at last month's Section of the Month voting! We've got our comics in the top spot this time: in first is winstein (talk)'s The ? Panel, followed by Hint Toad (talk)'s Mushroom Kingdom Comics! Not to be outdone, coming in third is Waluigi Time (talk)'s Waluigi Time Comic. Thank you to everyone who voted, and please keep it up for this month, too!
| PALETTE SWAP SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The ? Panel | 12 | 32.43% | winstein (talk) |
| 2nd | Mushroom Kingdom Comics! | 10 | 27.03% | Hint Toad (talk) |
| 3rd | Waluigi Time Comic | 5 | 13.51% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
Waluigi Time Comic
Drawn by: Waluigi Time (talk)
"Monado"
Panel 1
[Shmaluigi is standing in a gray city setting, glancing at the reader with an uneasy expression.]
SHMALUIGI: Mafia investigations are always tricky... You never know who you can trust
Panel 2
[The Sticky Warrior triumphantly holds up the inactive Monado.]
STICKY WARRIOR: Not to worry detective, I have just what we need!
Panel 3
[The Monado opens with its blade pointed directly at Shmaluigi, causing him to recoil in shock.]
STICKY WARRIOR: It's called the Monado, it lets us see the future!
Panel 4
[A close-up shot of the Sticky Warrior, with his eyes glowing blue.]
STICKY WARRIOR: Wait, a vision!
Panel 5
[The Sticky Warrior looks up at Shmaluigi and points to a Goomba, Shy Guy, and Lakitu in the background.]
STICKY WARRIOR: Those guys are the mafia
Panel 6
[The Sticky Warrior is now in the background with the Goomba trapped under his foot, preparing to throw a shuriken at the fleeing Shy Guy and Lakitu. Shmaluigi gives an aside glance to the reader.]
SHMALUIGI: On the other hand, this is pretty anticlimactic
The ? Panel
{While flying, the stork is hit with a tennis ball on its head, causing it to open its mouth and squawk in pain, accidentally releasing the bundle. The tennis ball bounced off its head}
{The bundle falls down from the sky over a tennis clubhouse, where two tennis courts can be seen and players playing in them. The clock at the tennis clubhouse points at approximately 3:29}
{The bundle lands on the shrubbery behind the clubhouse near a gardener. The gardener reacts to the fallen bundle in surprise. Behind him, the tennis ball falls not far behind.}
{A group of sportspeople that resemble the ones from the Camelot games gathered at the bundle. The bundle is put on a couch at the clubhouse}
{Baby Waluigi's pops up from the bundle, causing the people around him to have a range of reactions from affection, surprise, and admiration}
{Baby Waluigi is raised in the air, and is offered a tennis racquet from one of the sportspeople and a tennis ball from the gardener}
{Baby Waluigi wields the tennis racquet with pride, with the tennis racquet shining brightly. The sportspeople also raise their tennis racquets in the air}
Title: "Welcome, Baby Waluigi!"
{At the Royal Tennis Academy, Baby Waluigi is practicing tennis, and the Headmaster and another staff member are watching}
Staff: "Headmaster, isn't that baby a little too young to play tennis?"
Headmaster: "Hah, never! It's never too young to start, I say, even for babies!"
{Baby Waluigi dives but misses the ball}
Headmaster: "I guess they'll need to learn how to behave, I'll give you that."
{Baby Waluigi throwing a tantrum over the miss}
Mushroom Kingdom Comics!
Hello, 'Shroom readers! Hint Toad, here, with a brand new comic! Enjoy!
Panel 1
[Mario and Luigi are watching a pair of Fuzzies.]
MARIO: I wonder why they go back and forth like that...
LUIGI: Beats me, bro!
Panel 2
[Mario and Luigi are watching a pair of Fuzzies. The Fuzzies take notice.]
MARIO: Do you think they do that to intimidate their prey?
LUIGI: Could be, bro!
Panel 3
[More Fuzzies join in as they surround Mario and Luigi.]
MARIO: Nature is such a wondrous thing! Isn't it, Luigi?
LUIGI: Uh... Hey, bro?
Shmaluigi, Private Investigator
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk) and Roserade (talk)
Loose Ends: Part 1
"We need to talk" has to be just about the worst phrase ever invented. In the entire history of that specific combination of words, how many times has it actually been used to start a positive conversation? Unfortunately for me, I needed to talk - specifically with Chief Palmer. I had intended to take care of things not too long after I got back from my honeymoon, but the Sticky Warrior has a way of derailing plans out of nowhere whenever he shows up. I couldn't keep putting it off forever, though.
In hindsight, creating a false identity and then immediately turning around and joining the police force may not have been the best idea. I wasn't planning on ever returning to my old life, in my defense - when I assumed Jasmine was dead, as far as I was concerned Connor died with her - but still, things weren't entirely on the up and up. Maybe if push came to shove, I could get away with the argument that it was some sort of self-imposed witness protection? Eh, probably not... Lana would probably know.
But at least the chief didn't seem to mind too much, if his demeanor at the wedding was any indication. I didn't think getting hauled away in handcuffs was too strong of a possibility. Besides, I'll fully admit he's let me get away with way too much in my time on the NWPD. I respect the guy, pretty much everyone at the department does I think, but to be honest, I wouldn't be shocked if he was one critical News Flush away from a dereliction of duty scandal. I figured it would be better if I just saved both of us any potential trouble by turning in my badge. By now I was pretty sure there was no getting out of the private investigator life for me, and Jasmine was fully supportive of that, but I was doing well enough for myself that I didn't need to keep mooching off the department's payroll, and with Monty Brando now out of the picture, having a direct line to the dealings of the city's criminal underbelly wasn't so crucial. I still had my connections if I ever needed them anyway.
Still, I felt I owed the chief one last favor. I pulled an old folder from my desk drawer and blew a layer of dust off of it. Incident LT-5, a long-unsolved murder case. It felt like so long ago now that Shmue Toad came running up to me with the case file back at the pasture. What was it he said? Something about it being twenty years, so it didn't matter if it took twenty more? Well, we were getting a lot closer to twenty-five now... It's not like I took that statement to heart, but as you can probably imagine, I had always been far more concerned with justice in the here and now - and there was plenty of it to be dished out. Not that this wasn't important in its own right, of course, but it seemed there was always something clawing its way past it on my priority list.
Today, I would procrastinate no longer.
I drove over to police headquarters, prepared to make the familiar walk to the chief's office for one of the last times - at least while I was on payroll, anyway. So many times I've trod across that stained brown carpeting and had my senses assaulted by buzzing fluorescent lighting and the scent of just enough coffee in the air to be that slightest bit overpowering. Even now, having admittedly shirked my duties here for the better part of the past several years, it remained intensely familiar. Speaking in the moment, I wasn't sure if I'd miss it.
...Well, I suppose the aforementioned shirking was already a pretty good indication that I really wouldn't.
"Chief? You got a minute?" I asked, peeking into the Pianta's office and waiting to be signaled inside.
"Ah, Shmaluigi. Erm, Connor? I'll be honest, I'm not sure what to call you now."
"Rule of thumb for Duplighosts, just go with the current shape."
"Duly noted. Now then, I've been expecting you for a while now. Please, have a seat."
"Haha, yeah. I meant to be here sooner, but let's just say things got kind of crazy. I seem to be a magnet for it," I told him, pulling a chair away from his desk. "Anyway, before you start... I've decided I'm leaving the force."
The chief's eyes widened in surprise - I guess he figured I'd still be around despite the whole situation? That was comforting, at least. "Oh, wow... Really?"
"Yeah. I realize that this whole thing is kind of a mess of my own making, and besides, I think this is probably what's best for me at this point on a personal level. So I figured I would just save the two of us any trouble that might arise from this and bow out quietly."
"Well, under normal circumstances, I'd try to convince you to stay, but you might be right that it's for the better. You'd think kingdom law would mostly account for it by now, but there's so many gray areas with Duplighosts that even I'm not up on them all. Plus," Chief Palmer said, his eyes narrowing, "I can finally take you off the payroll without feeling bad about it. Honestly, I should have fired you or at least given you a stern write-up years ago when you ran off to Rogueport without leave and then stopped clocking in. If you weren't so good at what you do..."
"Eheh, well, you know," I said nervously, pulling my collar away from my neck. Did someone raise the thermostat in here just now? "Anyway... Before I go, I thought I'd do you one last favor and finally crack incident LT-5. Tying up this one last loose end seems like the least I could do after all we've been through."
"LT-5? I'd almost forgotten about that. I appreciate you taking the time on it, but don't feel too bad if it doesn't work out. I know you're certainly capable, but there's a reason some cases go unsolved for decades," the chief warned.
That may have been true, but I had just come off of dealing with Monty Brando and the Circle of Six, so I was feeling pretty confident in myself. Compared to those two, I reasoned, one murder investigation should've been a little bit easier. "I'll give it my best shot, chief."
"If you need anything for your investigation, feel free to ask. I'm afraid I can't offer any insights myself beyond what's in the case file, this one happened several chiefs ago and I was just coming on as a rookie at the time. Good luck out there, Shmaluigi."
The first thing to do was familiarize myself with the case file - I'd only skimmed it some time ago, admittedly - and retrace past steps. The victim, one Moses Derd, a Moe-Eye active in archaeology and museum curation at the time. Found dead in the Cecilium Toadstool Historical Museum with multiple blunt injuries to the face. Whoever was responsible clearly didn't want to give the poor guy a chance, and I had to suspect there was a good chance this was targeted considering the sheer force you'd need to inflict that much trauma on a guy made of stone. It seemed unlikely for that to come purely from a crime of opportunity. No weapon was ever recovered, but from measurements of the wounds, the investigators then were able to rule out anything present in the museum the morning the body was found, plus a whole myriad of potential things like the contemporary mass-produced hammers used by Hammer and Sledge Bros, which was something, at least. Speaking from experience, narrowing that sort of thing down can be a massive pain, so at least some of the work was already done there. And no security systems in place at the time, of course.
So, those were the basics. The file went into a lot more detail than that, but I probably didn't need to spend time monologuing about all of it. As for what to do with that information, I figured the best place to start was re-interview the people the original investigators talked to about the case. Some might think that after twenty-five-ish years you'd be more likely to forget information than anything else, but you'd be surprised what can stick with you and what might seem relevant now that you wouldn't have given a second thought to at the time. For starters, I decided to return to the scene of the crime to talk to the museum proprietor and security guard.
I entered the museum - not necessarily the largest of operations, it didn't have the whole city block to itself but remained fairly sizable. As I looked around, I could tell it was pretty quiet here today, with only a scarce amount of visitors and an unoccupied Goomba, who I recognized as a tour guide by their official-looking attire. The establishment looked to be very well-kept and organized unlike some others I could think of, all the exhibits cleanly arranged in aesthetically-pleasing locations around the room, with more to be seen through arched doorways. My attention started to become fixed on what appeared to be the world's first attempt at fixing a glider to a kart before I remembered what I was here for - these kinds of places can really suck you in. All that being said, I didn't see anyone who seemed to have an air of importance about them that would scream museum proprietor, so I decided to ask the tour guide. "Excuse me, but do you know where I could find Mr. Lector Hedge?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, didn't you hear? He passed away a few months ago," she replied.
Well, crud. And if you're wondering, no, it wasn't lost on me that this wouldn't have been an issue if I hadn't been putting this off for years. Hopefully this wouldn't break the case. "I'm sorry to hear that. Um, what about a Mr. Gordon Knightley? Does he still work here?"
"Yeah, he's still kicking. Would you like to talk to him?"
"If he's not too busy."
"I... doubt it," she said, leading me to the museum's security office, where I was met with the sight of Mr. Knightley - a blue-shelled, pale green-skinned Koopa Troopa, sporting a white mustache and a security guard cap pulled over his eyes, obscuring his view of the monitors displaying the museum's security feeds ahead of him. I wondered if he was sleeping on the job for only a second before the snoring gave him away.
"This is your security guard?" I asked in disbelief. The case file noted that he was a retired NWPD officer, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he was this old, but man... Why wasn't I hearing about this place being robbed every other month?
"He's 103, don't be too hard on him. He's sort of a relic I hear, the automated systems are doing most of the work these days," she said. "Mr. Knightley, there's someone here to see you. Um, Mr. Knightley?"
The tour guide nudged the old Koopa's arm and he jolted awake, his cap springing upward and revealing a pair of bushy eyebrows covering his eyes. "HUH? WHA?! PUT YOUR HANDS UP OR I'LL SHOOT!" It was only after threatening to shoot that he slowly began reaching for an old shotgun propped up against the wall. "Wait a minute, you're not robbers..."
"Mr. Knightley, this man is here to talk to you," the tour guide repeated.
"Hm? Well, speak up, then!" the old turtle said, speaking in a voice that was just a little too loud for indoors.
"The name's Shmaluigi, sir. I'm with the NWPD and-"
"The NWPD, eh? Why, I used to work there myself back in the day!" Mr. Knightley exclaimed, and from the look on his face, it didn't look like he was planning to stop talking anytime soon. It's rude to interrupt your elders, but I was here on business and couldn't afford to get drawn into a lengthy story.
"Mr. Knightley, if I may, I'm here on business. I'm reopening the investigation into the murder of Mr. Moses Derd. You were working as a security guard here when the incident took place, correct?"
The expression on the old Koopa's face turned crestfallen. "Oh... Yep, I remember that day. Thought I'd left behind walking into scenes like that when I retired from the force. Poor Moe... I didn't know him too well personally, but he came around here fairly often. Old Lector liked him quite a bit, they were always going on about something whenever he came by to sell some pieces to the museum." He paused in thought, scratching at his mustache. "I remember the night before, Moe showed up just before closing. Said someone told him to meet him here - I should've known something was off because Lector had already gone home for the night, but I didn't think much of it at the time. He offered to lock up for me, and I figured since the head honcho was friends with him, there wouldn't be much harm in taking him up on it. Then I came in the next morning, and, well, the place wasn't locked, and there was the poor guy all smashed on the floor. None of the collection was gone, so it was definitely some personal grievance... We didn't open up again for a while after that, even once the NWPD boys cleared us. I think it was all too much for Lector. Wonder if they're talking shop again right now..."
The nice thing about someone who launches into a story easily is you don't have to ask them very many questions. That was quite a bit from one question, and remarkably consistent with his witness statement from the original case files for someone of his age after so much time. Unfortunately, it wasn't providing me with any information I didn't already have...
"Is there anything you may have forgotten to mention that could be a possible lead? Or some new insight in the years since, maybe?"
"I'm afraid not. It all puzzles me too. Can't say he seemed like the type that I would've expected someone to try and do him in, much less here of all places. But I'm glad to hear you're looking into it. Never sat well with me that this one went unsolved," Mr. Knightley said. "If only I weren't a few decades past my prime..."
"Alright, then. Thank you for your time, sir."
"Any time. You need anything, you come and let me know. For now, I gotta get back to my constant vigil of these here screens," he said, kicking back in his chair and already appearing to doze off again.
Unfortunately, visiting the museum wasn't all that enlightening, so I decided to take my leave and talk to some of the other folks on my list. I must've been lost in thought on the way out, as I ended up bumping into a woman. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, ma'am..."
"No worries, I–" the woman seemed to cut herself off as she got a good look at my face. "Wait, I know you! You're that Shmaluigi guy, right? The detective?"
"That would be me."
Something close to... giddiness, perhaps, crossed her face as she leaned in a little closer. She glanced to her left and right before speaking again. "Are you investigating something, right now?"
I wasn't sure how much to divulge - you never know when you might be running into one of those odd types. "Yeah, I am, as a matter of fact."
Before I could react, she had suddenly snagged my arm and yanked me to the side, ducking into an unlocked maintenance closet. She slammed the door shut behind us, before gesturing for me to be quiet. I got a good look at her now: jet black hair done in a fancy ponytail, a high-collared coat and a blue scarf. She was done up for weather much colder than outside.
She reached up and pulled down her coat collar then, revealing a gold pin on her scarf. It was circular in the center, with two bird wings flaring up from the top. "Do you recognize this?" she asked hastily.
"Um... No."
She rolled her eyes. "Come onnnn, really? People still don't know? Okay, fine, hold on." She cleared her throat a little and stepped back, flaring her coat out behind her. Then, in a voice much louder than I would've expected, she declared, "Even in the depths of night, when no other bird dares to take flight, one alone soars to shine the light of righteousness on the world's blight! And that one is me! For I am the Great Thief, Yatagarasu!" She paused with her arms outstretched, looking at me expectantly. "Well?"
So, I guess I was trapped in a museum's maintenance closet with a grandiose thief? What was even going on - and more importantly, why would she announce this to me, apparently knowing exactly who I was? "Is there a point to all this? I'm kind of on business here, so unless you want me to stop you from stealing something, I'd appreciate it if we could move on here."
"Ugh, look," she said, stomping nearer again, "I'm an investigator too. I don't just steal random goods... Usually. The Great Thief always has her eyes on the greatest treasure of all: the truth. So as a matter of fact, I'm also on business!"
"Uh huh... And what are you investigating, then?"
"Oh, don't act coy! It can't be a coincidence that we're here at the same time! You're looking into the same thing, right? The smuggling ring?"
"Actually, I'm trying to solve a murder from two decades ago."
"...Huh." She paused, putting her finger to her lips as she thought. After a moment, her face perked up again. "A murder that happened here? That wouldn't be related to a Mr. Derd, would it?"
"Yeah, that's him. Or I should say it was him, rather."
"Pretty morbid of you, detective." With the smugness of somebody who finally had a leg up, she began rifling around in her inner coat pocket. "Anyway, I have reason to suspect that that incident has some... relation to what I'm trying to dig up. According to my lead, this museum itself has ties to a conspiracy much larger than some simple reselling."
"Really... I suppose that would explain why someone would go to such drastic lengths."
"Right." At last, she found what she was looking for. She deposited a crinkled-up paper into my hands, a sloppily put-together handout advertising... "Mr. Derd's family is putting up his collection for auction in just a few days' time. Couldn't keep up the storage costs, it seems. This invite is addressed to Mr. Derd's old colleagues... don't bother asking how I got my hands on it."
I probably should ask, but then again, she wasn't the only investigator in this closet operating in gray areas, I suppose. Though if this was all she had, I wasn't sure how the relatives selling off the collection after so much time pointed to some great caper. "This is your lead? Do you have anything else on it, by any chance?"
"Detective, I've been tracking this operation for a few months now. Trust me, I have more info than that! But none of it's info that would help out your case. Only that auction seems super relevant. But hey..." She reached into a higher pocket this time, slipping out a calling card with a print matching her scarf pin. On the back was a phone number - undoubtedly leading to a burner phone. "If you find anything useful to my case, give me a call? Just ask for ol' Kay Faraday, 'kay?"
Well, she seemed harmless enough, and more importantly, willing to help. I may as well reciprocate. "Sure, I'll let you know if anything comes up."
"Good, thank you." With that, she hoisted her coat collar back up and swung open the door, talking over her shoulder as she went. "Best of luck, detective! I think we both can catch our culprits!"
I suppose it takes all kinds. There wasn't anything about a smuggling ring or anything like that in the original case files - perhaps this could be an interesting new lead. Well, on to my next interview.
In a stroke of luck, one of the people in my list was someone I knew personally - Woodrow Oakley, a Whittle who was into collecting weird things and displaying them in his Museum of Curiosities. He's a rather odd fellow himself, but most people have a few of those in their lives, I think. Most of our interactions involved him getting help from me, so I suppose the tables had turned today. Apparently, Mr. Derd's death particularly made waves in the museum industry back then, and rightfully so.
"Mr. Oakley, do you have a- gah, what is that?" I said as I entered, unexpectedly coming face to face with some hulking, glowy, nondescript rock creature. Normally, it was hard to focus your attention on a single thing in here for very long - today was an exception.
"Hm? I say, what a surprise seeing you here, Shmaluigi! Usually I'm the one in need of your services, eh wot? I see you've met my latest security measure," the dapper Whittle said, approaching from behind the rock monster.
"Your new security measure?"
"Can't be too careful these days, old bean! Let's just say I learned my lesson after that dreadful reptile came in and made a right shambles of the place! Alright then, off you go," Mr. Oakley said, clapping his hands and reducing the golem's form to a floating orb. "Now then, would I be right to assume this isn't a social call? How may I be of service, my boy?"
"I'm trying to solve the murder of Mr. Moses Derd. According to the case file, you were one of the folks the NWPD interviewed at the time."
"Ahh... Yes, a terrible shame what happened to Moses. He was a good chap. Why, he sold me some of the pieces you see now in this very museum!" Mr. Oakley said, scurrying around the place to show me examples. Honestly, this place was such a chaotic entanglement of winding pathways and cluttered displays that I was surprised he even knew where anything was by heart, but I suppose he did spend most of his time here. "Such as this somewhat ill-tempered golf club here, the lesser-known distant cousin of Lucien! And this plastic fork, discovered in an ancient tomb unearthed in the Birabuto Kingdom! Clearly left there by a time traveler, eh wot?"
"He... sold you a plastic fork?" I asked. It didn't look much different from the ones they sell in bulk at JojaMart to me. If this was the kind of operation the guy was running, maybe he amassed more enemies than previously thought...
"Oh, no, he offered it to me for free when I expressed interest. I offered to pay top coin for such a rare artifact, but he wouldn't hear of it! Smashing fellow," he said, adjusting his crimson suit coat. "A terrible pity I never got to talk to him again after he returned from the Cascade Kingdom... The folks at Cecilium usually got most of his finds, but he knew quite well what sorts of items piqued my interest."
"I was just wondering, is there anything you might've accidentally omitted back then that you think could be relevant? Or maybe you've heard something since about someone who had an issue with him? I'm trying to see if I can get any new leads here."
"Hmm... Afraid not, old bean. Our interactions were always cordial, and I never heard a bad word about him from any of my fellow proprietors."
"That seems to line up with what I've heard so far. While I'm here, I did run into somebody who thinks this might have something to do with a smuggling ring of sorts? Do you know anything about that?"
"I can't say I know any specifics, my boy, but it would not surprise me in the slightest! There are... desperate characters who don't have the best intentions with things of this nature, as I'm sure you're well aware. That's partly why I collect them here, to keep them out of the hands of muppets who would use them for world domination or to make a quick sale on the black market, and who knows where they could possibly end up! And the other reason is that collecting the world's oddities and enlightening the public is smashing good fun, ha ha!"
"I see... Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Oakley. I have more work to do."
"Any time, any time! I apologize I couldn't be of more help. If you ever need assistance, you know where to find me," Mr. Oakley said, clapping once more and reconstituting the rock golem. "Say goodbye to Shmaluigi, my boy!"
The creature made... some sort of noise that I assumed was a goodbye as I left. That thing kind of freaked me out.
The police also interviewed the folks who went on Mr. Derd's final expedition to the Cascade Kingdom. As a general rule of thumb, archaeologists are almost never home because they're off on some far-flung dig in some uncharted location, but I was able to track down one of them, a Beanish fellow by the name of Archie Vist who was currently renting out a house in Toad Town, which was a much easier trip. I wasn't much familiar with Beanish architecture, but it seemed a little humorous that a Beanish fellow was living in a mushroom-shaped house.
One of the awkward parts of being a private investigator is always showing up unannounced at someone's house and knocking on the door, but here I was again. "Mr. Vist? Are you home?"
I heard the sound of a mug being set down somewhere inside, followed by footsteps up to the door. When it opened, I was met by a rather tall fellow, his posture awkwardly angled so that he could talk towards me. Apparently the average Toad-sized door was a bit short for him. "Hello? How can I help you?"
"The name's Shmaluigi, I'm with the NWPD and reinvestigating the murder of Mr. Moses Derd. According to the case file, it says you were with him on his last expedition?"
His face drew solemn at Moses Derd's mention. "Yes, that's correct. You're reinvestigating again? Why?"
"Well, I was hoping to finally be able to solve this case. Maybe find some angle or evidence that was overlooked the first time."
"Hm. Yes, well," he said, backing up and straightening his back, "I do think some conclusion is due. Do come inside. I probably couldn't tell you much more than the first statements I gave, but..." He walked towards the dining table near the kitchen, tugging at his overall straps as he went. "Coffee?"
"Oh, I wouldn't want to trouble you."
"Nonsense, I always overbrew." Despite my protests, he reappeared from the kitchen with another steaming mug, setting it down at the other side of the table. He sat down and took a deliberate sip. "Where should we start?"
"I suppose from the beginning. Your trip to the Cascade Kingdom... Did anything happen there, I mean that you think would lead to something like this? Anything that seemed off, either then or in hindsight?"
"You'll have to understand, I was a fledgling archaeologist at the time. I was freshly studying and on scholarship from Marshell University, so much of my experience abroad was... I was swept up in it all, lost a lot of the small details. Moses acted as a sort of mentor figure for our group, and at the time of the incident, I wondered, 'Who could have enough cause to do this sort of thing to him? He is too kind.'"
"But," he continued, drawing the mug to his lips, "looking back in later years, I can see where disagreements might have arisen. He was very particular about our conduct on the expedition, and how to handle any discoveries we were to make. He had very close connections to multiple museums, and thought that anything we uncovered ought to end up in their hands. Not everyone in our group agreed with this methodology."
"Interesting... Are you aware of any disputes that arose because of that?"
"Much of it was playful chiding. We were a young, spry group with big ambitions, and it was common for Moses to knock some verbal sense into us. That said... he did have a somber attitude about him when we were boarding the airship back. I assumed then that he was simply sad to leave the expedition site. Nowadays, though, I wonder..."
"I see," I said, thinking about the possibilities this opened up. It may not have been something to do with this group of fresh archaeologists, but something must have happened then, and it may or may not have been connected to his unfortunate demise shortly afterwards. Perhaps he even ran afoul of that smuggling ring Ms. Faraday was talking about? "I have, well, an associate of sorts who seems to think this may have something to do with an alleged smuggling ring. Would you know anything about that?"
"A smuggling ring?" Archie repeated, his brow furrowing. "We were explicitly told to report any findings back to expedition leadership to dissuade such an occurrence from happening. If you're asking me whether or not Moses himself was part of one, I have every reason to doubt it." He paused with his gaze on his mug. "I couldn't tell you one way or another if a smuggling ring exists at all. But the discoveries we were hoping to make... our findings would have been worth something pretty, is all I'll say. If there is such a smuggling ring... it would be no surprise to me if they were somehow involved with his death. The only real question would be, for what gain?"
Honestly, I had to ask the same question myself. Only time would tell, I suppose. "Well, I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about this, Mr. Vist. If there's anything else you happen to think of, here's my card."
"Much obliged." His attention then landed on the coffee mug he had set for me - which remained entirely untouched. "Oh, would you want a cup to take that to go? I have plenty floating around my cupboards."
"Well, if you insist."
"Very good." He rose to full stature, stepping into his kitchen with the full mug in hand. After offering me my portable coffee, he shook my hand. "I am glad to see a reinvestigation underway. Moses was a dear friend."
It was pretty much the same story everywhere I'd been so far. Mr. Derd was well-liked and respected, at least in his profession. So for someone to go as far as killing him in cold blood, well, let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if Ms. Faraday's hunch was correct. But again the question remained why...
Unfortunately, as it turns out, trying to solve a mystery that no one's been able to crack in twenty-five years is actually kind of hard. Most of the time, facts unsurprisingly don't spring up out of thin air, and going back and interviewing everyone who was talked to the first time wasn't getting me much farther. Sure, I had the smuggling ring angle, and no one I talked to disagreed that it could've been a possibility, but no one actually had any concrete information about it - or any other explanations. So, what was I left with? The vague, potential existence of a smuggling ring that Mr. Derd may or may not have had some interaction with more than two decades ago in the Cascade Kingdom, of all places. Despite its status as a "kingdom", it was for the most part an untamed expanse with little infrastructure or supervision. I'd already given up hope on being able to find any relevant records or witnesses if I bothered to make the trip.
It's situations like these that reduce someone to stringing together photos and sticky notes on a corkboard. I must have looked like a conspiracy theorist right about now, and if I didn't get a better lead soon, I'd probably start acting like one, trying to pin it on just about anything I could think of and seeing what sticks. I guess I still had Monty Brando's old records, maybe something in there would match up...
Just as I was sitting down at my desk to start sifting through old files, the door to my office opened and Shmwario and Shmaisy came in. "What are you guys doing here?" I asked.
"Whaddaya mean 'what are we doing here'?" my brother replied. "The four of us got dinner plans tonight!"
"Oh man, that completely slipped my mind... I've been so engrossed in this case."
"Shocker, someone's bein' a workaholic again. Obviously you need help from the great Shmwario to crack the case, eh?" Shmwario said, for some reason deciding this was a good time to flex a muscle. "No problem! I'll have it solved before you can say 'get it together'!"
"Yeeeah, I'm not so sure on this one, bro. It's a cold case from twenty-five years ago. I've been trying to retrace old steps but haven't been able to make much headway so far," I said, doubting that Shmwario's inexplicable confidence in himself was well-placed. "Honestly, it's really annoying. There's just so much you can't investigate after all this time, and one of the people who was fairly close to the original victim just died a few months ago, so who knows how much worse that's made things. This whole thing would probably be so much easier if I could just go back in time..."
Shmaisy arched an eyebrow. "You know... maybe you can."
I couldn't help but chuckle. "What, you got a time machine in Shmwario's apartment?"
"You're really going to act like that's ridiculous when we've literally traveled through dimensions before?" Shmaisy replied.
"Actually, I know Wonky was workin' on one of those," Shmwario commented. "Last he told me, the whole thing went on hold after he almost caused the apocalypse in the future."
"I'm pretty sure my guy is more reliable than your guy," Shmaisy told him. "Anyway... No, it's not quite a time machine. I'll tell you what, why don't we go to dinner, and then after that, how do you feel about a drive to Neo Bowser City?"
To be continued...
Well hi there, thanks for reading! It's good to be back writing this section again after a couple months, this arc has been very fun to work on so far - and one that I would say is appropriately fitting in the month marking five years since I debuted Shmaluigi! If your memory is particularly good and you're up on this section's archives, you may remember that incident LT-5 was mentioned in the very first edition of this section way back in Issue 172, so... it's been a long time coming! A very special thank you to Roserade for tagging along as a co-writer on this arc, and providing the dialogue for Kay Faraday and Archie Vist. We'll see you next time in Neo Bowser City!
Sport Report: The Movie
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
After driving down the mountain path again, the heroes soon found themselves facing an icy river. "Yar, take a look at this, mateys! We've got an icy river on our 'ands!" ClawgripFan9001 pointed out.
"How are we gonna get across this river?" Diddy Kong wondered out loud. Suddenly, a whale proceeded to surface from the river, looking at the heroes.
"Why, hello there! Aren't you the friendly types!" The whale greeted the heroes, who proceeded to look at the whale in awe. "Say, would you guys be prepared to do me a small favor in exchange for a little help?" The whale then proceeded to ask the heroes.
"Ahoy, matey! An', uh, aye, we would! What do ye need us ta do fer ye?" ClawgripFan9001 asked the whale curiously.
"You see, there are these snowwomen that are patrolling my habitat in these combat dinghies. If you fine people would be so kind as to get rid of these snowwomen, I would be willing to give you a ride to the other side of the river. Does that sound like a deal to you?" The whale explained to the heroes.
"Aye, we can do that, matey! We'd 'ave ta travel o'er yer back ta get o'er ta those combat dinghies, though. Is that fine with ye?" ClawgripFan9001 asked the whale.
"Of course, feel free." The whale nodded.
"Yar, then it's settled. Lemmy, Bowser Jr., Yoshi. Would ye guys like ta 'elp me get these snowwomen outta this whale's 'abitat?" ClawgripFan9001 proceeded to ask Lemmy, Bowser Jr. and Yoshi.
"Of course, ClawgripFan!" Lemmy beamed.
"Hee hee! I'll gladly help you with this!" Bowser Jr. giggled.
"Just point me in the direction of those snowwomen, and I'll have them gone in a jiffy!" Yoshi chimed in.
"Yar, let's get goin' then!" ClawgripFan9001 exclaimed as the four heroes proceeded to jump out of the snowmobile, made their way across the whale's back and leapt into the water, swimming over to the first of the combat dinghies that held two snowwomen that were the Zellon Armed Forces' equivalent to Mr. Blizzards: Mrs. Snowfalls.
Said Mrs. Snowfalls proceeded to notice the heroes swimming towards them, and they immediately slipped into a combat stance. "What are you heroes doing on our patrol route? Get out of here, or we'll make you guys into a frozen TV dinner!" One of the Mrs. Snowfalls firmly told the heroes.
"Yar, ye lasses should be the ones gettin' outta 'ere! Yer blockin' this poor whale's 'abitat!" ClawgripFan9001 told the Mrs. Snowfalls firmly in return.
"Well, it doesn't appear that either of us is willing to leave this place, so we'll have to settle this in a sports match. If you guys manage to beat us in a game of 100m Sprint, you're free to venture further into these waters. But if you lose, you're leaving these waters, never to return. Deal?" The other Mrs. Snowfall asked the heroes.
"Aye, ye got yerselves a deal. Let's get goin'." ClawgripFan9001 nodded as the heroes and the villains were beamed away to the running track where the event would be taking place.
The heroes and the villains were then all shown standing at the starting line for the event, and the announcer was about to announce each of the participants one by one.
"In Line Number One, ClawgripFan9001!" The announcer spoke as ClawgripFan9001 grinned and waved to the audience. "In Line Number Two, Lemmy Koopa!" Lemmy stretched a bit to warm himself up for the event as the announcer spoke. "In Line Number Three, Bowser Jr.!" The announcer spoke as Bowser Jr. mischievously giggled while happily hopping up and down in place. "In Line Number Four, Yoshi!" The announcer spoke as Yoshi happily spun around before waving to the audience. "In Line Number Five, Francine the Mrs. Snowfall!" The announcer spoke as the first Mrs. Snowfall nodded in approval at her announcement. "And in Line Number Six, Freya the Mrs. Snowfall!" The announcer concluded as the other Mrs. Snowfall waved to the audience.
All participants then proceeded to ready themselves to run. "On your marks…get set…GO!" The announcer spoke as the starting shot was given and all participants went boosting forward. Before long, the top three for the event was decided, with ClawgripFan9001 taking first place, with Yoshi in second, and Bowser Jr. in third. The Mrs. Snowfalls quivered in anger at being defeated before disappearing into puffs of smoke, after which the heroes were beamed back to Somber Mountain, where the combat dinghy that the Mrs. Snowfalls were driving proceeded to sink into the icy depths.
"Alright!" Yoshi cheered.
"Woohoo!" Bowser Jr. cheered as well.
"Nice one, ClawgripFan!" Lemmy complimented ClawgripFan9001.
"Yeah, one combat dinghy down, a couple more to go!" Bowser Jr. chimed in.
"Aye, let's move on ta the next one, shall we?" ClawgripFan9001 suggested as the heroes continued to swim through the icy water, where the next combat dinghy was encountered, this one holding three Mrs. Snowfalls.
Said Mrs. Snowfalls spotted the heroes and got ready for battle. "Hey, buddies. Unless you want us to turn you into popsicles, I'd suggest retreating." One of the Mrs. Snowfalls threatened the heroes.
"We aren't afraid of you, you snowy scoundrels!" Yoshi firmly told the Mrs. Snowfalls with a scowl on his face.
"Trying to act tough with that cutesy exterior of yours, eh? How laughable." The second of the Mrs. Snowfalls smirked, not being phased by Yoshi's response.
"I'm serious! If you don't let us through, you're gonna regret it!" Yoshi told the Mrs. Snowfalls even more firmly.
"Okay, wise guy. If you're so determined to get through here, how about you beat us in an event to prove it? If you can beat us at Gymnastics - Floor, then you and your silly friends are free to continue on. But if we beat you, we'll freeze you and your silly friends up nice and cold and keep you in cold storage at Commander Louis' stronghold. Does that work for you, dinosaur boy?" The last of the Mrs. Snowfalls asked Yoshi with a smirk after explaining the deal to him.
"Works just fine for me! Let's do this!" Yoshi nodded in acceptance before the heroes and villains were teleported to the stadium where the event was going to take place. The three Mrs. Snowfalls were first to perform in the event, and once all three of them had performed, it was now Yoshi's turn. The green dinosaur was going to have to beat the Mrs. Snowfalls' score in order to secure a victory for his team and gain further access to the Somber Mountain area.
Yoshi then began to dance like there was no tomorrow, with both the audience and judges alike being impressed by Yoshi's dance moves. Eventually though, Yoshi managed to score the highest amount of points out of all the event's participants, receiving a standing ovation from the audience.
"At ease! You have the stuff, strange dinosaur!" One of the judges told Yoshi, who happily jumped up and down upon learning he had emerged victorious in the event. The Mrs. Snowfalls angrily stomped the ground with their nonexistent feet before proceeding to disappear into puffs of smoke, after which the heroes were teleported back to Somber Mountain.
"Whoa, nice going, Yoshi! You were really blessed with two right feet based on those dance moves you showed back at the stadium!" Lemmy told Yoshi, impressed by his dancing skill.
Yoshi giggled a little bit. "Thanks, Lemmy! Back home on my island, I practice dancing all the time with all my Yoshi friends!" He informed the second eldest Koopaling.
"Yar, it really came in 'andy, 'cause we've gotten one step closer ta clearin' out all those combat dinghies." ClawgripFan9001 chimed in as the combat dinghy in front of them proceeded to sink.
"Well, let's not waste anymore time and move on to the next combat dinghy we have to clear out!" Bowser Jr. suggested as the heroes proceeded to swim forward to face the next combat dinghy, which held four Mrs. Snowfalls inside.
"Enemies sighted! Proceeding to Combat Mode Level One!" One of the Mrs. Snowfalls exclaimed.
"Yar, cuttin' straight ta the chase, are ye? Well, what event do we 'ave ta beat ye lasses in in order ta pass?" ClawgripFan9001 then asked the Mrs. Snowfalls curiously.
"Archery - Team. Do you four have what it takes to defeat us? We're some of the best archers that General Zellon has assigned to the Snowfall Unit." The second of the Mrs. Snowfalls replied.
"Aye, we do 'ave what it takes ta defeat ye, an' we're goin' ta prove it right away!" ClawgripFan9001 replied back.
"Good, because we needed to get a bit of exercise anyway. Bring it on." The third of the Mrs. Snowfalls replied back again before the heroes and villains proceeded to get beamed towards the archery range where the event was going to take place.
ClawgripFan9001, Lemmy, Bowser Jr. and Yoshi were each holding bows and arrows, and they proceeded to wave to the audience before readying themselves to start shooting arrows at their targets. One by one, the heroes proceeded to take their shots, each scoring perfectly. The Mrs. Snowfalls, on the other hand, failed to get the perfect score that the heroes got, so they were defeated as they sadly shook their heads and disappeared into puffs of smoke. The heroes were sent back to Somber Mountain afterwards, and the combat dinghy in front of them proceeded to sink.
"Yar, well, that wasn't a fuss whatsoever!" ClawgripFan9001 grinned.
"Yeah, we did it!" Lemmy giggled.
"Ha ha! How did that defeat taste, you Zellon losers?" Bowser Jr. laughed.
"I bet it tasted quite sour, Bowser Jr.." Yoshi replied to Bowser Jr. with a giggle.
"Well, there be only one combat dinghy left, so let's take care o' it an' then 'ead back t'wards our friends so that that friendly whale can get us ta the other side o' the river." ClawgripFan9001 suggested as the heroes began swimming towards the final combat dinghy, which held a single Mrs. Snowfall inside.
"Oh, boy! It's the heroes Commander Louis warned me about! I'm sure that if I manage to beat the heroes at Tennis - Singles, Commander Louis will give me a raise!" The Mrs. Snowfall beamed with excitement at taking on the heroes.
"Tennis - Singles, huh? Leave this one to me, guys. I know how to play tennis like the back of my hand." Bowser Jr. offered the other heroes.
"Yar, don't let us down on this, Bowser Jr., 'cause we could get thrown outta the Dark Lands if ye mess this up." ClawgripFan9001 replied.
"I know how much is at stake here, ClawgripFan, so I'll be sure as the Underwhere to avoid screwing this up." Bowser Jr. assured him before the heroes and their opponent proceeded to get summoned to the tennis court where the event would be taking place. Bowser Jr. happily waved to the audience, with the Mrs. Snowfall doing the same thing, and the two of them then proceeded to engage in their Tennis match. The objective of the event was to be the first to score three points, though it used a regular points system instead of a traditional tennis points system. Regardless of this, however, Bowser Jr. managed to be the first to score three points, and his opponent proceeded to disappear into a puff of smoke afterward. The heroes were then sent back to Somber Mountain once again as the final combat dinghy proceeded to sink.
"Well, I think that was the last of them! Let's get back to our friends now!" Lemmy beamed.
"Aye, let's go an' do that!" ClawgripFan9001 agreed as the heroes proceeded to swim back to their friends, who were still seated inside the snowmobile while the whale was still laying in the water in front of the snowmobile.
"Hey, Mr. Whale! All the combat dinghies are gone, so you're free to move around in your habitat again!" Yoshi happily informed the whale.
"Marvelous, marvelous. Thank you very much, kind fellows. As promised, I shall now give you a lift to the other side of the river. Hold on tight." The whale told the heroes as they all got back into the snowmobile, after which the whale dipped back into the water to allow the snowmobile to drive onto its back. The whale then proceeded to swim to the other side of the river, and the heroes and their snowmobile drove onto dry land.
"Thank you for the ride, Mr. Whale! We'll never forget this act of kindness!" Waluigi happily told the whale.
"The pleasure was mine. I shall never forget your act of kindness either. Good day to you all." The whale replied to Waluigi before swimming off again. The heroes and their snowmobile then proceeded to trek further into Somber Mountain.
And here we are with Part 2 of Chapter 5 of Sport Report: The Movie! After being delayed from its original planned release in last month's issue due to sickness interfering with my writing plans, we're back in the swing of things this month! I don't have a whole lot to add about this part, but I do hope you enjoyed my Mariosona cleaning out an icy river filled with Mrs. Snowfalls in combat dinghies with Lemmy, Bowser Jr. and Yoshi's assistance! Until next time, where, if I planned this correctly, we'll be wrapping up Chapter 5 of Sport Report: The Movie!
Diddy Kong Country
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
The year is 2014, and the Donkey Kong Country series has just received its latest installment, Tropical Freeze. Donkey Kong, his best buddy and nephew, Diddy Kong, Diddy’s girlfriend, Dixie Kong, and Donkey Kong’s aging grandfather, “Cranky” Kong Sr. are riding high off the success of Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze. As such, our story begins at the Kongo Bongo Beach Club, where our Kongs are having themselves an afterparty to celebrate their newest success in the Donkey Kong franchise’s gaming branch.
Inside the club, Donkey Kong and Cranky Kong find themselves seated on a pair of bar stools made out of barrels, toasting with a pair of drinking jugs also made out of barrels, a big grin plastered across both their faces. Donkey Kong was wearing a white dress shirt with a red waistcoat and his signature necktie with his initials on it, completing the look with a red fedora that also had his initials on it. Cranky Kong, on the other hand, wore a white dress shirt underneath a black tuxedo jacket with a matching black bow tie and a black top hat on his head.
“Cheers to you, Cranky! This is a night to be celebrated, ‘cause we haven’t had such a banana slammin’ success on the video gaming market in ages!” Donkey Kong excitedly told his grandfather before chugging down the banana juice inside his jug in a subsequent manner, prompting a hearty laugh from Cranky Kong in response.
“Ain’t that the truth, Donkey, my boy? Cheers to you as well!” Cranky Kong then chimed in before chugging down his own jug of banana juice and sighing in satisfaction as he slouched back on his bar stool. “Crazy to think that those nitwits actually had the genius idea of letting Dixie Kong and me tag along with you and Diddy Kong for that adventure across all those islands, don’t you think?” Cranky then asked Donkey, who nodded his agreement.
“Yeah! When they asked me and Diddy if we were open to letting you and Dixie come along with us on this adventure they had us embark on in Tropical Freeze, I couldn’t help but eagerly agree, and Diddy was on board with it as well! Speaking of Diddy and Dixie, look at the two of ‘em having fun out there on the dance floor…” Donkey replied as he and Cranky glanced behind them, where Diddy Kong and Dixie Kong were dancing with each other as a means of celebrating their family’s latest gaming success.
Diddy Kong was wearing a white dress shirt that had yellow stars printed on it, just like the red tank top he regularly wore, along with black bowler hat that had a white Nintendo logo imprinted on it. Dixie Kong, on the other hand, wore a black cocktail dress, a pair of magenta earbells and a black beret hat with a golden Rareware logo imprinted on it. Both younger Kongs smiled at one another as they were having the night of their life together and celebrating their family’s latest gaming success in their own manner.
“Can you believe it, Dixie? We managed to make our way back up the ladder of fame, money and success within Nintendo’s gaming hierarchy once again! I haven’t had such a ride of my life within our family’s franchise since Donkey Kong Country Returns released four years back!” Diddy Kong expressed his excitement over the praises Nintendo’s fans had sung for Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze. Dixie Kong smiled and nodded, humming her agreement as she did so.
“I know, I find it hard to believe myself. I was especially surprised when Nintendo called me to come over to corporate headquarters for a meeting on the matter, seeing as they hadn’t called me for any kind of video game outing since Mario Super Sluggers came out six years ago. But I certainly welcomed them giving me the opportunity to join you and Donkey Kong on that adventure across all those different islands and fight off all the Snowmads. It felt good to stretch my adventurous bones across the different uncharted archipelagoes out there after not having done so for years on end.” Dixie expressed her joy regarding Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze and the critical and financial boon that came with it.
“Tell me about it! If Tropical Freeze was this exciting, then I can’t help but wonder what other apescapades Nintendo has waiting for us Kongs down the line! Are you curious about that yourself, Dixie?” Diddy asked his girlfriend with a joyful smile as the couple continued to dance the night away on the dance floor of the Kongo Bongo Beach Club. Dixie hummed inquisitively as she thought the matter over in her head before nodding affirmatively.
“Yeah, I guess I am. I mean, if Nintendo was able to score a hit as big as Tropical Freeze turned out to be, who knows what other possibilities they could be able to shake out of our family’s videogame ventures? Whatever the future holds for us, though, I’m sure that it’s going to be something ape-mazing regardless.” Dixie told her boyfriend with an optimistic smile, to which Diddy smiled back in response before the couple continued to dance the night away as we are shown a shot of the exterior of the Kongo Bongo Beach Club with a clutter of softly lit stars decorating the night sky above the establishment.
We then fast forward to 2015, about a year after Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze initially released, where Diddy Kong was lounging outside Donkey Kong’s Treehouse, having his back against the wall of the hut and his hands behind head, crossing his legs over one another. Winky the Frog, one of the Kong Family’s various Animal Friends, was crouched down next to him. Diddy Kong held up a newspaper towards Winky as he spoke.
“Yeah, Winky. That adventure that Donkey, Dixie, Cranky and I starred in on the Wii U last year was a pretty big success. Pretty dang sweet, don’t you?” Diddy asked the frog with an excitable smile as the front page of the newspaper he held was reporting on the success of Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze. Winky inspected the front page of the newspaper before sighing and shaking his head in disappointment.
“Look, Diddy. I don’t wanna burst your bubble or nothing, but just ‘cause you’ve had a good number of hit video game roles, with this Tropical Freeze thingamajiggy being your latest addition to that list of hit video game roles, that don’t mean that the success of being a video game hero is gonna be lasting forever. Just look at what happened to me - I had one outing as a supporting role with you and Donkey Kong back in the first Donkey Kong Country game on the Super Nintendo in ‘94, and after that, I was blacklisted from appearing in video games again because my poor controls made me impossible to work with in future Donkey Kong Country installments, or any installments in your family’s video games for that matter.” Winky admitted to Diddy with a remorseful expression on his face, feeling bad about crushing the young spidermonkey’s hopes and dreams as a continuing video game hero.
Diddy was quiet as Winky told him this, and once the frog finished speaking, he took a moment to take in and contemplate the frog’s words. Upon having done so, he spoke out his ten cents on the matter. “Maybe, Winky. But I doubt that critical and financial drought will be hitting me and my family anytime soon. I mean, with the talks of the Wii U retiring and Nintendo developing its successor on the horizon, I’m sure that they could certainly use me and the rest of the Kongs’ specialized brand of simianigans to contribute to the next generation of Nintendo gaming.” The spidermonkey told Winky, being hopeful for more Donkey Kong franchise-related adventures for him to star in while simultaneously not entirely brushing off the frog’s warnings.
“I see. Well, do keep the possibility of your stroke of video game hero success running out in the back of your head. And when it does run out, don’t let it get you down. I let that happen to me after being blacklisted from starring in video games, and it led me down some walkways I’d rather not have gone down. So I really don’t want you to suffer the same fate in your post-video game fame phase.” Winky warned Diddy once more before hopping off to go do his own thing within the confinements of Donkey Kong Island.
Donkey Kong then proceeded to peek his head out the doorway of the treehouse. “Yo, Diddy! I made us some banana cake! You want some, little buddy?” The gorilla leader of the Kong Family asked his best little buddy and nephew with a friendly smile. Diddy Kong smiled and flashed a thumbs up in response.
“You bet I do, Donkey Kong! With that delicious coconut cream Candy Kong regularly drops by your treehouse on top, please!” The red-hatted simian requested from his uncle, who nodded in understanding and went back inside the treehouse to prepare Diddy’s slice of banana cake the way he liked it. Upon having done so, he came back outside and handed the slice to Diddy before giving him a friendly pat on the shoulder and retreating back inside the treehouse, while Diddy began to happily eat his slice of banana cake with Candy Kong’s signature coconut cream decorated on top.
We are then shown a montage of Diddy Kong lounging in the same spot outside of Donkey Kong’s Treehouse through various weather conditions such as intense heat, crisp autumn leaves, and even heavy snowfall, yet Diddy wasn’t fazed by these weather conditions and continued to simply lay in the same spot and in the same position the entire time. Meanwhile, the year continued to transition gradually, from 2015, to 2016, to 2017, to 2018, in which he was briefly shown playing the enhanced Nintendo Switch 1 port of Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze with a smile on his face. It then went back to Diddy Kong simply lounging outside the hut as the year continued to transition from to 2018, to 2019, to 2020, which briefly depicted Diddy wearing a surgical face mask, to 2021, which also briefly depicted Diddy with the same face mask, to 2022, which depicted him regularly lounging outside Donkey Kong’s treehouse like before, to 2023, to 2024, and finally to 2025, where Diddy Kong was hit in the face with a newspaper, causing the spidermonkey to exclaim in response before removing the newspaper from sticking to his face.
“Man, I must’ve lost track of time…I’ve been glued to the same spot for so long that anything to break up the monotony just feels surreal to me…” Diddy mumbled to himself before he proceeded to take a look at the front page news that the newspaper happened to be reporting on, and his face froze in shock and disbelief as he saw this news. “No…No, no, no…This…This can’t be…” Diddy muttered in a grief-stricken tone of voice as he got up from where he was sitting and switched to a kneeling position as he continued to read the newspaper. “It says…that a brand new Donkey Kong adventure is due to release on the Nintendo Switch 2, titled Donkey Kong Bananza…and it features a newly redesigned Donkey Kong embarking on an adventure in the Underground World with the assistance of a preteenage version of Pauline, who previously appeared in Super Mario Odyssey as the adult mayor of New Donk City…” Diddy then looked up at the sky and shouted out in dismay, having forgot the words of wisdom Winky the Frog shared with him ten years prior.. “Why, King Grambi?! Why, King Grambi?! Why?!”
We then find ourselves in the present day, in early 2026. The establishing shot depicts Big Ape City, a large urbanized area suggested to be located in the center of Donkey Kong Island, and as such, felt rather out of place in comparison to the rest of the archipelago that was home to the Kong Family and the other species of wildlife that happened to inhabit it.
The scene then transitioned to the interior of an apartment located within Big Ape City, as we were shown a middle aged gorilla sitting inside a chair, his feet kicked up on the built-in ottoman as he was watching the cable television located inside his apartment. The remote for said television was grasped in his left hand while a can of Banana-Ade was grasped in his right hand. The gorilla was wearing a white leotard with a red-colored letter J imprinted on the front, and he sported a large and bushy chestnut brown handlebar mustache alongside large, bushy chestnut brown eyebrows.
Letting out a raspy exhale as he proceeded to take a swig from his can of Banana-Ade, the gorilla spoke out loud. “Another day, another migraine…What else is new in this monotonous life I’ve been leading ever since that no-good son of mine rose to fame back in the 1990s…?” He grumbled in annoyance, revealing himself to be none other than Donkey “Jockey” Kong Jr., the son of Donkey “Cranky” Kong Sr. and his late wife, Wrinkly Kong, the father of the modern day Donkey Kong III and his unnamed sister, and the grandfather of Diddy Kong. Pressing the buttons on his television remote, the past his primate began to surf through the channels on his television before coming across a news report that seemed to catch his interest, and began to raise a curious eyebrow as he watched it.
The news report depicted a large Sidestepper wearing a dark brown fedora on his head and a matching dark brown bushy mustache on his upper lip sitting behind his desk while grasping a set of papers in his pinchers. “Hello, I am Claw Gripstofferson. And welcome to Mushroom Kingdom News Network. Today’s top story tonight: Former video game hero, Didrick “Diddy” Kong has been said to be washed up and out of work following the preteenage counterpart to Mayor Pauline Higgins of New Donk City being assigned as the new sidekick to Donkey Kong III in the titular ape’s latest video game adventure, Donkey Kong Bananza on the Nintendo Switch. He’s currently living with his long-time girlfriend, Diana “Dixie” Kong and her sister, Talulah “Tiny” Kong after moving out of the treehouse of his uncle, Donkey Kong III, with whom he currently has a shaky relationship following a falling out over what is being called the Bananza Beef.”
Needless to say, Jockey Kong was aghast to see and hear what was being reported on the television. Downing what was left of his Banana-Ade, the gorilla crushed the can against his forehead before tossing it into a pile of other crushed Banana-Ade cans in the corner of his apartment’s living room. He then turned off the television set and got up from his chair, putting the remote down on the saloon table before grabbing a set of motorcycle keys from his kitchen table, determined to make a change in both his own life, and that of his grandson, thus setting out to find him out there in the mighty jungle of Donkey Kong Island.
Establishing shot; A shack somewhere in the Kongo Jungle with a sign out on the front reading “Dixie and Tiny’s Turf”. Transitioning inside the shack, we see Diddy Kong and Dixie Kong laying inside a bed made out of banana tree leaves, underneath covers likewise made out of banana tree leaves. Dixie was embracing a visibly upset Diddy as the two of them slept, the female Kong having made sure to embrace her boyfriend during their slumber every night as a means of turning Diddy’s mental health around for the better after it was shattered from the Bananza debacle.
The alarm clock inside Diddy and Dixie’s bedroom then began to ring, after which Dixie proceeded to slap her left hand down on top of it to shut it down. Her eyes slowly fluttering open as a new day was dawning, she let out a yawn before softly patting Diddy to let him know it was time to wake up. “Morning, hun…How’d you sleep?” She asked her boyfriend softly as the latter began to slowly wake up himself. Opening his eyes before slowly moving them up to make contact with those of his girlfriend, Diddy sighed, sounding bleak.
“As well as could possibly be expected after what happened, sweetie…But I’m trying to turn things around for the better in the aftermath of it, so I’m sure there’s better nights to come down the line…” The spidermonkey admitted to his girlfriend, who nodded in understanding and brought him into a comforting embrace before she proceeded to get up from the bed and began making her way towards the kitchen.
“I understand, boo. Don’t worry about it, take all the time you need to get into recovery. I’ll be behind you, supporting you every step of the way. And so is Tiny.” Dixie assured her boyfriend as she started making breakfast for the both of them while Diddy had also gotten up from bed in the meantime and made his way into the kitchen, settling down at the kitchen table shortly after. The male Kong nodded with a bleak, yet affirmative hum as he knew he had his girlfriend’s full support in all of this, as well as that of his girlfriend’s sister, for that matter.
“Thanks, my love…I can’t begin to express how grateful I am to have a girlfriend as supportive as you are…” Diddy began to speak before Dixie shushed him as she walked over to the kitchen table and set down a bowl of banana porridge and a mug of banana milk in front of him before putting a comforting hand on his shoulder, offering a comforting smile while she was at it.
“Again, don’t worry about it. I already know how grateful you are for it, so you don’t have to tell me. Now go ahead and enjoy your breakfast. I’ll join you in a moment as soon as I’ve finished making my own.” Dixie told Diddy softly before walking back towards the kitchen counter and began fixing her own meal. Diddy then began eating his breakfast without saying another word, silently saying a little prayer to bless the King of the aftergame for bestowing such an angel of a girlfriend upon him.
Transitioning to a dirt road elsewhere on Donkey Kong Island, the silence that was otherwise broken by birdsong and the buzzing of flies and other bugs soon was disrupted by the roaring of a motorcycle engine, after which Jockey Kong was shown driving down the jungle roads in his motorcycle with a three-person sidecar attached to it. A determined glare rested on his rugged middle-aged face; He was visibly done with Nintendo’s mistreatment of his kind and was determined to put an end to it, with his first order of business in doing so being to help his long-lost grandson get his life back on track.
Seeing a directional sign up ahead, Jockey Kong inspected it to decide which direction he was going to take next. Seeing that the sign pointing right read “Coconut Junction”, Jockey proceeded to flash the turn signal on his motorcycle to let any oncoming traffic from both the front and back know he was going to turn right, which he did shortly afterward before resuming speeding down Coconut Junction, which was the street that Dixie and Tiny’s Turf was located on. Keeping an observant eye on the homes located on the block, Jockey Kong brought his motorcycle to a stop as he pulled up to the house where his grandson lived. Hopping out of the driver’s seat and locking up his motorcycle, tucking the keys away in his pockets, Jockey Kong walked up to the front door and knocked on it.
Dixie was still in the kitchen making her breakfast when she looked towards the front door with a puzzled look, letting out an inquisitive hum as she wondered who could be knocking on her door at this hour. She was about to head to the door to answer it, but Diddy got up and started walking over to the door to answer it himself. “I got it, Dixie. I got it. It’s the least I can do to repay you and your sister for all the kindness you’ve been showering me with as of late.” Diddy assured his girlfriend as he finally opened the door before his eyes widened in shock from making contact with the eyes of his long-lost grandfather.
“Granddad…?!” Diddy muttered in shock and disbelief at seeing his grandfather for the first time in decades. A flashback then started of a younger Diddy standing next to a younger Donkey Kong as they were bidding Jockey Kong and Diddy’s mother, Jocelyn “Jocie” Kong goodbye, since Jockey and Jocie were to head off to fight in the Puftup Gulf War. Tears were in the younger Diddy Kong’s eyes as he hugged his mother and grandfather farewell. “Mommy, why do you and granddaddy have to go away to fight…?” The younger Diddy Kong then asked his mother Jocie in a shaky voice that betrayed his barely maintained composure.
“Because if your granddaddy and I don’t go away to fight those nasty people, our own freedom could be lost someday in the future, Didrick. But not to worry, your granddaddy and I will return someday. But until then, your uncle Donkey will take care of you. And he’ll do a very good job at it, too.” Jocie told her son with a reassuring smile before glancing at Donkey Kong as her expression went serious. “Right, Donkey?!” Hoo, boy. She really didn’t want her brother to be a bad foster parent to her son.
Donkey grinned nervously in response. “Of course I will, sis. I swear on every single banana in our family’s Banana Hoard stashed away in the caves located underneath my treehouse.” He assured Jocie with a pinkie promise to put emphasis on his promise to his sister. Satisfied with that answer, Jocie nodded towards her brother before looking towards her son one last time.
“There you have it, honey. Your uncle will give you the best care possible until your granddaddy and I return home after we’ve managed to save our freedom here on the island. Be brave, and be strong until that day, alright?” Jocie asked Diddy, who silently nodded as his lips were quivering and his eyes were still filled with tears. Jockey and Jocie then proceeded to board a boat that was located at the dock the Kongs were standing on, after which said boat began to slowly but surely set sail, with Donkey and Diddy looking on at its departure until it vanished over the horizon. The flashback then promptly ended, cutting back to the present day.
“Granddad, what are you doing here after all these years?! I thought you and mom had perished in the Puftup Gulf War a long, long time ago!” Diddy shouted, a mix of anger and betrayal layered in his voice as his eyes began to fill with tears, after which Jockey raised his hands in a “Calm down” kind of manner.
“Diddy…! Relax, my boy! I’m here today for a good reason! If you would just let me in for the time being and hear me out, I’ll explain everything in due time!” Jockey assured his grandson, who looked towards Dixie as to what he should do. Dixie motioned to let the older gorilla in and hear him out as requested, to which Diddy silently nodded and shifted his attention back to his grandfather.
“Alright, you can come on in and tell us everything. It better be worth leaving me and Donkey for all those years.” Diddy told Jockey, his tone still being short, but not sounding particularly angry anymore…for the time being, that is. Jockey nodded in gratitude as he entered Dixie and Tiny’s shack while Diddy shut the door behind him. Grandfather and grandson then proceeded to sit down at the kitchen table while Dixie finally finished making her breakfast and joined the two male Kongs shortly afterward.
“So, first thing’s first: Neither me, nor your mother had perished during the Puftup Gulf War. Things happened during the war, and they forced me into hiding, unable to return home to you, your uncle and the other members of the Kong Family. Second thing’s second: Your mother is still alive, but the things that happened during the war made it so that she was rendered unable to return home as well. Third thing’s third: I saw on the news that you had been plunged into the catacombs of the mental underworld after your uncle’s betrayal with the release of the latest game in the Kong Family’s videogame venture, and as such I came out here to help you get your life back on straight and realize your true worth as a videogame hero. Last thing’s last: The way we’re gonna go about doing this, is that we’re gonna be looking for your mother so we can put years and years of mystery, despair and other woeful thoughts and feelings to rest for good.” Jockey began to explain to Diddy, who looked frustrated as he wasn’t becoming any the wiser from all of this. He locked his hands around his head, internally screaming as he did so.
“Oh, wonderful…! First my uncle, whom I’ve been living with and looking up to for years gives me a mental health crisis of Kong-tastrophic proportions! And now my long-lost grandfather shows up on my doorstep, claiming he’s going to help me pick up the pieces of my life while revealing things to me I’ve been left in the dark about for almost my whole lifetime! What else is new in this crazy life I’ve been plunged into as of late?!” Diddy exclaimed in total incomprehension, trying to make sense of it all. Jockey once again raised his hands towards his grandson in a “Calm down” kind of manner.
“Diddy, calm down. Everything will be explained to you in due time. For now though, I need you to throw any kind of common sense out the window, put some trust into your ol’ grandpappy and take your chance, your girlfriend and her sister, and embark on the adventure of a lifetime that will make your life easier and better for the long term.” Jockey explained to Diddy in a reassuring tone of voice, with the younger spidermonkey calming down slowly but surely as he glanced at his grandfather, then at his girlfriend, then back at his grandfather, then thoroughly deliberated with himself in his mind back and forth before ultimately coming to a decision.
“Well, okay then. If this risk really will pay off in the long term, then I’m going to take it.” Diddy told his grandfather, who smiled and clapped his hands in response. Dixie gave her boyfriend a pat on the back as well, offering him a comforting smile.
“That’s the spirit, Diddy! I’ll give you, your girlfriend and her sister the time to pack your things and prepare for the journey ahead of us, and then I’ll meet you outside once you’ve gotten everything in order for departure!” Jockey stated as he proceeded to get up from his chair and walked back outside towards his motorcycle.
“Your grandfather is right, Diddy. Sometimes you’re gonna have to take risks in your life if you wanna improve it for the better. Besides, who knows? This might just be the ticket you need to step out of Donkey Kong’s shadow and become a videogame hero in your own right.” Dixie told her boyfriend as she kept the comforting smile, knowing firsthand how difficult it is to take chances that will pay off in the long term.
Diddy nodded hesitantly. “Yeah, I suppose he is right…I just really hope I won’t come to regret this…” The male Kong expressed to his girlfriend, unable to blur the shreds of doubt lingering in the back of his head about this whole journey he was going to undertake alongside his grandfather, girlfriend and future sister in-law. Dixie nodded in understanding as she got up from where she was sitting as well, preparing herself for departure.
“I get that. But not to worry, because your grandfather was nice enough to allow me and Tiny to tag along with the two of you on this journey. That means that despite not knowing us that well, he trusts us enough and knows that you trust the two of us enough that he wouldn’t dare to leave his grandson’s only emotional support behind for the journey of his lifetime.” Dixie continued to reassure her boyfriend, who once again nodded in response as he began to head towards his and Dixie’s bedroom as he began to grab himself a bag that he was going to use to store things in for his big adventure.
In the meantime, Dixie walked up to her sister, Tiny Kong’s bedroom and knocked on the door. “Tiny, wake up and pack your things! We’re going on an adventure!” She called out, causing Tiny to shoot awake as the younger of the two Kong sisters was still sound asleep in her bed at the time, after which she yawned and stretched, scratching her back before getting out of bed and started getting ready for the day, and journey ahead of her.
“You got it, Dixie! I’m always down for an adventure!” Tiny responded to her older sister to let her know she was awake and beginning to prepare herself for departure. Once Diddy, Dixie and Tiny had gotten everything in order for the start of their adventure, they locked up their home and met with Jockey Kong, who was still waiting outside in the driver’s seat of his motorcycle. The middle-aged ape gave his grandson, his grandson’s girlfriend, and her sister a smile as he saw that they were ready to get the ball rolling. “Ah, wonderful! You’re all ready to go?” Jockey Kong asked Diddy, Dixie, and Tiny, who nodded affirmatively. “Get into the sidecar then, and off we go!” He replied as the three younger primates did as the older ape instructed, before the latter started the engine of his motorcycle. “Everybody ready? Because it’s on like You-Know-Who!” Jockey cheered as he sped forward on his motorcycle, prompting Dixie and Tiny to cheer, while Diddy also gave a cheer, though not as excitable as Dixie and Tiny. Though that was understandable given that the male spidermonkey was still reluctant about the whole situation.
After driving his motorcycle through the wilderness of Donkey Kong Island for a while, Jockey noticed a ramp formed out of natural rocky mountain paths, and in the distance, he noticed a ship from Kremkroc Industries, Inc. sailing in the oceans on the outskirts of Donkey Kong Island. Diddy, Dixie and Tiny also assessed the situation before glancing towards Jockey.
“Are you thinking what I think you are thinking, granddad?” Diddy asked Jockey with a curiously raised eyebrow, hoping he properly understood where his grandpa was going with this whole ordeal, to which Jockey turned to look at his grandson with an excitable grin and nodded affirmatively. Diddy exhaled deeply. “Hoo, boy…” The spidermonkey whispered under his breath as Jockey began driving towards the edge of the ramp at top speed, building up the momentum needed to make the jump he planned to undertake.
“Brace yourselves, grandchildren! We’re gonna seek our inner daredevil here and now!” Jockey warned the three younger Kongs before making the jump, prompting Dixie and Tiny to start roaring with excitement, whereas Diddy was roaring with fright. Jockey soon landed his motorcycle smack dab in the middle of the deck of the Kremkroc Industries, Inc. ship, just as the middle-aged ape had calculated. “Monkey muscle! Just like I planned!” Jockey Kong excitedly exclaimed before shutting down the motorcycle engine and hopping out of the driver’s seat before heading into the ship’s wheelhouse to knock the Kremling Krew member that was driving the ship unconscious so he could take over the controls.
Diddy, Dixie and Tiny then hopped out of the motorcycle’s sidecar and joined Jockey inside the ship’s wheelhouse. “Alright, granddad. We left Donkey Kong Island, and we hijacked a ship off the Kremling Krew. Now what?” Diddy questioned his granddad as to what their next course of action was now that their adventure was beginning.
“We’re gonna be taking this ship, and we’ll be driving it towards the first stop of our adventure: The wreck of the HKS Dozy!” Jockey explained to his grandson with another excitable grin, visibly knowing what he was doing as Diddy shrugged in response. The younger spidermonkey just decided to roll with whatever crazy plan his grandfather had formulated in his head for the time being until his intuitions urged him to decide otherwise.
Following a day’s worth of sailing, the Kongs arrived at the sandbanks where the wreckage of the HKS Dozy that Jockey Kong was talking about before rested. “There she is, grandchildren; The HKS Dozy - One of the Kremling Krew’s air-defence destroyer vessels they used during the height of the Puftup War! This is where we’ll begin our adventure and seek the answers and glory we need to let the Kong Family rise back to the top of the videogame hierarchical ladder!” Jockey informed the younger Kongs with an excitable grin as he pointed towards the wreckage of the HKS Dozy that was laid out before them. Dixie and Tiny looked interested at the sight of the damaged and battle-worn Kremling battleship. “Whoa, I never knew the Kremlings had access to such technology in the past…” Dixie murmured in a bewildered tone of voice, with Tiny humming her agreement in response. Diddy, on the other hand, looked at the wreckage with a skeptically raised eyebrow, being left with more questions than answers at the sight of this stranded Kremling naval barge. Still, he assumed that if he were to trust his grandfather on this, he’d get those answers soon enough.
Jockey then tossed the ship’s anchor into the water to prevent the Kremkroc Industries, Inc. vessel from drifting away with his precious motorcycle on board. “Come on, my boy and girls! Let’s go and Kong some Kremlings like you kids did in the good ol’ days!” The leotard-clad gorilla told his grandson and soon to be grandchildren-in-law as he leapt off the ship and into the water before beginning to swim towards the wrecked HKS Dozy. Diddy, Dixie and Tiny followed his lead and hopped into the water themselves before swimming after him, reaching the sandbanks the barge sat on shortly afterward. They then entered the first area of the first “world” of their adventure, Naval Gobbledygook.
The Kongs then began to walk across the deck of the decommissioned Kremling craft as the sun was beginning to set in the ocean in the background. “Ain’t this wonderful, Diddy? The salty sea air billowing into your nostrils? The soft sea breeze bristling through your fur? I bet you really missed all of this after being a homebody for so long, eh?” Jockey asked his grandson in an excitable tone of voice as he took the lead, with Diddy, Dixie and Tiny following behind as the quartet took out Korsairs along the way.
Korsairs were the naval counterpart to Kritters and Klomps, respectively. They wore naval uniforms akin to the ones that Seaman Recruits in the United States Navy wear, and were armed with bayonets that they tried to used to try and shoot or stab at the Kongs, but Jockey managed to defeat them with his brute strength, Diddy gunned them down with his Peanut Popguns, Dixie gunned them down with her Bubblegum Blowguns, and Tiny picked them off with her Feather Bow.
“Yeah, I do have to admit that I missed this while I was wasting my time away, waiting for Nintendo to call me for my next big break in videogame ventures. I suppose I do owe you a bit for whisking me away from the confinements of home to do this, granddad.” Diddy slightly smiled as he was getting a slow but gradual rush of excitement from getting back into the swing of adventure. Dixie and Tiny smiled at each other as they heard Diddy say this and even crack a genuine, if slight smile while he did so.
“I’m glad to hear that! Let’s keep this up then and continue moving ahead through this reptilian raft’s remains!” Jockey replied happily as he continued to take the lead through the area, bashing Korsairs in the face along the way. They also faced a couple of Kaskets, which were similar to Klobbers, except they hid inside steel kegs rather than wooden barrels. Nevertheless, the Kongs managed to defeat these Kaskets easily enough.
The final enemies that the Kongs faced in this first area of the HKS Dozy were Rongeurchiers, which were gray-furred, hostile counterparts to Ratooeys from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. They tried to attack the Kongs by punching them with their stubby paws, but Jockey didn’t hesitate to knock them back twice as hard with his rugged fists, and Diddy, Dixie and Tiny weren’t too shy about slugging the rodents in the face with a nasty sucker punch themselves. At the end of the Naval Gobbledygook area, the Kongs collected a piece of a map they needed to advance further into their adventure.
“Kong-a-bunga! We found the first piece of the Primate Print; The map that’s going to lead us to the end destination of our adventure!” Jockey grinned excitedly as he held the map piece in his hands as Diddy, Dixie and Tiny each raised a curious eyebrow, uttering an inquisitive hum simultaneously. “Everything will be explained in due time, grandkids. And as such, your curiosity will be stilled along the way.” He assured the younger Kongs, who nodded with an affirmative hum in response. “For the time being, we gotta venture through the rest of this stranded ship and collect the rest of the map pieces that have been hidden away in here!” Jockey then declared as he began to move forward with the smaller simians trailing behind, heading towards the next area of the HKS Dozy - Spar Solstice.
In this area of the first “world” of their adventure, the Kongs had to climb and cross several masts, yards and other modernized steel poles you would see on a traditional wooden pirate ship while fighting off Scarabuccas, green-hued beetles akin to Click-Clacks, Klenchers, which were Klingers wearing more formal navy uniforms and matching headgear, a handful of Korsairs and a dozen Rongeurchiers.
“Hope you kids brought your A-game as far as climbing’s concerned, because one false move, and you could go plummeting down to your doom!” Jockey warned Diddy, Dixie and Tiny as he traversed the lumpy and lofty flagstaffs of the HKS Dozy, knocking Scarabuccas and Klenchers into the chasms beneath as he did so.
“I’m a little bit rusty on the craft, but a monkey can learn to get better at it once more as easily as reciting the alphabet, am I right?” Diddy responded to his granddad as he picked off Scarabuccas and Klenchers with his Peanut Popguns while swinging from pole to pole along the way. Dixie and Tiny hummed their agreement as they similarly picked off Scarabuccas and Klenchers with their Bubblegum Blowguns and Feather Bow.
“Sure you can, Diddy. Anyone can relearn their greatest strengths as long as they believe in their ability to do so and keep at it to repolish those arts.” Dixie chimed in her ten cents on the matter as she used her ponytail to climb through the metallic masts so she had both of her hands free to dual wield both of her blowguns. Tiny Kong was similarly using her ponytails to climb and cross the poles so she could wield and operate her Feather Bow more easily while combating the Kremlings and other baddies that stood in the way of her and her family.
“My sentiments exactly. I’m sure that you’ll resharpen all of your abilities as our adventure continues to unfold.” Tiny pitched in as well to further encourage Diddy to believe in himself and his ability to come back from the despair he was plunged into with the release of Donkey Kong Bananza the prior year. Diddy hummed affirmatively as he continued to assist Jockey, Dixie and Tiny in the fight against the oncoming Kremling cabal.
Eventually, after climbing through many masts and yards, the Kongs managed to reach the end of the area, where the next piece of the Primate Print was stashed away. Diddy snatched it up and smiled as he held it in his hands. “Woohoo! We got another piece of the map! I have no idea what the map is for or where it’ll lead us, but I’m beginning to get a good feeling about it!” The male spidermonkey cheered, with Dixie and Tiny joining in on the cheering. Jockey also clapped his hands with pride and excitement in response, being happy if his grandson was happy too.
“That’s the spirit, Diddy! Now come on, we have more map pieces to find!” Jockey praised his grandson’s gradually returning optimism before leading him and the girls towards the next area of the HKS Dozy - Deckhand’s Dash. This area was another ship deck-based one, filled with Krembades, which were jumping Kremlings akin to Kaboings, except dressed in more formal naval attire, Kremploders, which were huge, muscular Kremlings akin to Krunchas garbed in naval gear rather than pirate gear, and were armed with muskets that they used to fire off bursts of gunpowder into the Kongs’ faces, a few Korsairs, and a handful of Rongeurchiers.
The Kongs made their way through Deckhand’s Dash with relative ease, making short work of the Kremlings that tried to stop them in a similar manner before reaching the chest that held the next piece of the Primate Print. Said chest was perched at the top of a set of stairs and on the other side of a pit that the Kongs had to cross by swinging on hooks suspended in the air. Dixie opened the chest and took the piece of the map out, holding it out in front of her while eyeing it with a satisfactory smile.
“What a heck of a treasure hunt this is proving to be so far. But it’s nothing that we can’t handle, that’s for sure.” Dixie spoke in a delightful tone of voice, with Jockey, Diddy and Tiny affirmatively humming their agreement in response. “Well, off to the next area then. Lead the way, Grandpappy!” Dixie motioned Jockey, who nodded in affirmation before taking the lead once more as he began to guide the grandchildren towards the flooded ship hold of the HKS Dozy - Flotsam’s Furnace Room.
Here, the Kongs were faced with their first array of aquatic enemies, such as Flotsams, Lockjaws, Shuris and a couple of Korsairs that roamed the areas of the ship hold that weren’t flooded with seawater. Fortunately, an Animal Crate was also located inside the ship hold, which the Kongs proceeded to break in order to free Enguarde the Swordfish, who was trapped inside the crate by the Kremlings who stashed him away inside the ship hold. Enguarde then promptly repaid the Kongs for rescuing him from the Kremlings’ captivity by impaling the aquatic adversaries that blocked the Kongs’ way with his sharp, pointed bill.
Upon reaching the chest with the next piece of the Primate Print, located on a pedestal stood upon a walkway made out of sea containers, the Kongs thanked Enguarde for his help, to which Enguarde told them that if they needed his help again for the remainder of their adventure, they just had to call him before leaping through a broken porthole in the ship hold to escape towards open sea, finally free to explore the world on his own terms once more after being held prisoner by the Kremlings for such a long time.
Tiny Kong then opened the chest before snatching the next piece of the Primate Print out of it, grinning in accomplishment upon doing so. “Buzzing ace! This puzzle’s slowly but surely starting to come together!” The taller of the two Kong sisters exclaimed in celebration as she slapped Dixie, Diddy and Jockey each a high five afterward. “Now let’s keep moving, ‘cause something tells me that it shouldn’t be long before we’re done in the remains of this raggedy old barge.” Tiny suggested before she and the other Kongs began to move on to the next area of the HKS Dozy - Loftiness Labor.
Loftiness Labor also took place within the modern metal masts and yards of the HKS Dozy, though unlike before, the sun had set, and the shiver of night had arrived. On top of that, a rainstorm had also set in, thus shrouding the entire area in darkness, except for the occasional flashing of lightning briefly acting as a source of light for the Kongs to find their way through the area.
“Cripes! Why’d it get so dark all of a sudden?!” Diddy exclaimed in dismay as he noticed the arrival of nighttime and the accompanying rainstorm. Lightning flashed, allowing the spidermonkey to see where his grandfather, girlfriend and sister in-law were located.
“I dunno, but it can’t be good…” Dixie replied, sensing trouble brewing ahead of the Kongs with a concerned expression resting on her face as she did. Jockey and Tiny voiced their agreement through unanimous affirmative hums.
“You can say that again, sis. We better get a move on before we’re fried to a crisp by an incoming lightning strike.” Tiny suggested as she began to move ahead of the others, with Jockey, Dixie and Diddy following behind in a subsequent manner.
“The lass is right. As much as I appreciate irony as the next Generation X’er, I did not come out of retirement to be turned into a fried monkey by the electrokinetic forces of nature. Let’s get going.” Jockey Kong voiced his opinions on the matter as he and the other Kongs began to traverse the wuthering heights of the area, taking on all the baddies in their way as they did. Their adversaries here consisted of Scarabuccas, dragonfly-like enemies akin to Flitters named Bruitioners, a few Krembades and Klenchers, a lone Korsair and lone Kremploder, a pair of Rongeurchiers, and a swarm of Zingers.
In spite of all the dangers that the area happened to hold, the Kongs managed to reach the end where the chest with the next piece of the Primate Print was located safe and sound, and upon opening the chest, they retrieved the map piece with little hassle. “Job well done, grandchildren! We’ve gotten all of the map pieces located within this area! Now all that’s left for us to do is whip out the big bad beast that the Kremlings have stationed out here and nick the Kremkoin they’re guarding off of them, and then we’re good to move on to the next stop of our adventure!” Jockey Kong informed the grandchildren, who nodded in understanding as they began to follow Jockey towards the first boss area of their adventure - Karibbean’s Kuarters.
The aforementioned boss area was located within the steer house of the HKS Dozy, where the Kongs had to face Admiral Karibbean, the head of the Kremlings’ navy fleet during the Puftup Gulf War. Admiral Karibbean resembled a lime green Klump, similar to the character from the Donkey Kong Country television series, though unlike the aforementioned character, he wore an admiral’s uniform with a matching hat instead of an army helmet and utility belts with combat boots. He also brandished a bronze-colored sword for a weapon, and as the Kongs ventured inside the HKS Dozy’s steer house, he pointed the sword at them, causing Diddy, Dixie and Tiny to yelp in fright.
“I am Admiral Karibbean; Sultan of Seafare, Overlord of Ocean-Combat! And you’re going to shed your lifeblood on my trusted blade, you hominoidean hazards!” Admiral Karibbean threatened the Kongs before engaging them in combat. Jockey then turned towards the three younger Kongs before pulling out a foursome of rapiers and tossing the other Kongs one rapier each.
“Have you kids ever engaged in a bladed duel before?” Jockey asked the three younger Kongs, who shook their heads in response. “In that case, watch me give you all a demonstration on how it’s done against this fiend, and then I’ll leave you all to the real challenge!” Jockey then told the younger Kongs as he began to retaliate against Admiral Karibbean’s onslaught with his rapier, clashing against the admiral’s sword in the process.
Diddy, Dixie and Tiny watched attentively as Jockey gave a demonstration in swordsmanship, fencing, or however you wished to call it against Admiral Karibbean, making mental copies of Jockey’s moves so they could somewhat replicate them once the older Kong would leave the real challenge of taking down the Admiral to them. Before long, Jockey finished his demonstration as he leapt backwards to give himself some breathing space. “Alright, I managed to buy you some prep time against the Admiral. Now go and give him what for!” Jockey told the younger Kongs, who nodded as they firmly gripped their own rapiers and leapt forward to engage the Admiral themselves.
“You furry, flea-bitten foolish monkeys! I’ll cover my captain’s chair with your hides once I’m done with you!” Admiral Karibbean snarled at the Kongs as he jabbed his sword in their direction, with Diddy promptly parrying the strike in response. Dixie then pushed her own rapier forward to strike the Admiral, successfully landing a hit as she did so. Tiny then went in for a hit on the opposing Kremling herself, only for the reptilian rabble-rouser to parry it and counter-strike her, causing Tiny to yelp in pain.
Dixie furrowed her brow in anger at watching her sister get struck by the Admiral’s sword as she and Diddy drove their own rapiers into the Kremling naval officer, causing him to roar in pain as he swiped his sword at them to get them to back off and give him some breathing space in the process. “Anyone who lays an unkind hand or weapon on my family will feel the Wrath of Kong!” Dixie angrily snarled at Admiral Karibbean as she lunged her rapier forward, which the Admiral parried in retaliation before proceeding to laugh in a cocky manner.
“Honest Kongs like you do an honest day’s work, while I destroy your homeland! Let this duel be a fundamental example of that!” Admiral Karibbean bragged as he drove his sword towards Dixie, who pushed her rapier against the Admiral’s blade and forced him back in response. Diddy then went on the offensive as he drove his own rapier into the Admiral’s left shoulder, causing him to roar in pain. Sensing their opportunity to lay a bladed beatdown on the Admiral, Diddy, Dixie and Tiny went in and slashed away at Admiral Karibbean with their rapier, until the Admiral let out a series of dying screeches before collapsing on the floor, surrendering the Kremkoin he held on him and ultimately perishing.
Diddy let out a relieved exhale upon defeating the Admiral, then looking on in shock as the Admiral’s spirit proceeded to rise from his body and into the air. “You may have won this round, Kongs! But I will return, and like a Sneek in a maze, I will be faster, smarter, and hungry for cheese!” The now spectral Admiral evilly laughed before his spirit vanished in thin air. Diddy then looked towards the reader with a puzzled look, trying to make sense of what he just witnessed. Jockey then walked up to him and gave him a proud pat on the shoulder.
“Job well done, grandson! We’ve managed to get a step closer to uncovering the mystery of your long-lost mother! Let’s take that Kremkoin the Admiral was guarding with his life and get outta here!” Jockey told Diddy with a proud smile and matching tone of voice, to which Diddy hesitantly nodded as he quickly picked up the Kremkoin before he and his family quickly left the wreck of the HKS Dozy before making their way back towards the Kremkroc Industries, Inc. ship that was still anchored out in the water in front of the sand banks that the HKS Dozy was laying on.
The Kongs then proceeded to board the ship again before pulling the anchor back inside and setting sail for the next stop of their adventure; Monkey Mountaintops, which was set on an archipelago mostly made up of rocky mountaintops, hence the name of the world. While Jockey Kong steered the ship, Diddy, Dixie and Tiny Kong all took the opportunity to rest up and catch some sleep, since nighttime had set in by the time the Kongs were finished with their business at the wreck of the HKS Dozy. The following morning, the Kongs arrived at the Monkey Mountaintops, and Jockey proceeded to wake the three youngsters upon having anchored the ship at the base of the archipelago.
“Rise and shine, my grandchildren. We’ve arrived at the next stop of our epic quest; The Monkey Mountaintops!” Jockey told the younger Kongs as he proudly raised his arms to show the mountainous landmass in front of them. Diddy, Dixie and Tiny’s eyes slowly fluttered open as they yawned and stretched before staring at the second destination they were going to cross in search for pieces of the Primate Print and a Kremkoin held by one of King K. Rool’s most trusted underlings. “Now, for this second leg of our journey, I’m gonna give you kids a challenge as part of Diddy’s hero training; Try and complete this entire world without my assistance. If you manage to do so, I’ll give you a special reward by the time you return to this ship. Think you’re up to the challenge?” Jockey asked the younger Kongs after explaining the deal to them.
After thinking it over, Diddy nodded in agreement. “Sure, might as well give it a try. After all, an adventure’s no fun if it’s too easy. Plus, if I’m gonna learn how to be on my feet as a hero without Donkey Kong’s guidance, I’m gonna have to take care of things sooner or later myself.” The spidermonkey voiced his reasoning on the matter.
“That’s the spirit, Diddy! Well, you and your girl and sister-in-law head off into those mountains now! And if you ever need help, I’m here on the ship if you ever find yourself astray!” Jockey told Diddy with a proud smile, glad to hear his grandson was willing to take on the challenge. Diddy smiled back slightly and nodded as he, Dixie and Tiny proceeded to depart from the ship and make their way to the foothills of the Monkey Mountaintops, ready to take on the challenge that Jockey had given them.
The Kongs then went and entered the first level of the Monkey Mountaintops; Rambi’s Rising. The level featured various steep mountain paths for the Kongs to climb, as well as various Rongeurchiers, Korsairs and Neckies and Mini-Neckies alike roaming around to try and stop the Kongs. Fortunately, the Kongs could handle all of these baddies easily enough, being able to take them out using their Peanut Popguns, Bubblegum Blowguns and Feather Bow, respectively.
Halfway through the level, the Kongs came across an Animal Crate with Rambi the Rhinoceros’ face imprinted on it. “Bless my bananas! It’s Rambi the Rhino! I bet the poor big guy got himself captured by the Kremlings much like Enguarde the Swordfish did before him…Well, let’s set him free!” Diddy commented on the matter as Dixie and Tiny nodded their agreement before the trio broke the Animal Crate to free Rambi from his particle-wooden prison. Overjoyed at being granted his long-awaited freedom, the rhinoceros offered the Kongs a ride on his back as a means of thanking them for freeing him. Not letting themselves be told that twice, the Kongs hopped on Rambi’s back, after which the rhinoceros went on a rampage towards the end of the level, taking out any Kremlings and the cohorts they employed along the way.
Soon enough, the Kongs made it to the end of the level as they dismounted from Rambi’s back and thanked the rhinoceros for his assistance, to which the rhinoceros responded that if they ever were in need of his help again for the remainder of their adventure, they just had to call him, after which Rambi galloped off into the distance. In the meantime, the Kongs went and collected the next piece of the Primate Print that was stashed away inside of a treasure chest within a small mountain cove.
“Alright! We managed to nab ourselves the next piece of the map that we need to uncover the mystery of your long-lost mother, Diddy! Isn’t this exciting?!” Dixie asked her boyfriend in an enthusiastic tone of voice as she held the next piece of the Primate Print in her hands, with Diddy slightly smiling and nodding his agreement in response.
“I’d say so, yeah. I’m really curious where my mother could be out there in the world, and why she never came home after all these years in the aftermath of the Puftup Gulf War. But I’m sure all will be revealed in due time.” Diddy gave his ten cents on the matter before he, Dixie and Tiny went on towards the second level of the Monkey Mountaintops - Cliffjump Chaos.
This second level was a mine cart oriented level, and as the Kongs entered it, they hopped into a mine cart that was located at the beginning of the rails that made up most of the level. As they were about to take off in their mine cart, an idea occurred to Diddy as he turned to look at Dixie and Tiny. “Y’know…why don’t we just walk across these mine cart rails?” He voiced his idea to his girlfriend and sister-in-law, who looked at him in response.
“You know what? I was thinking the same thing.” Dixie voiced her agreement on the idea as she, Diddy and Tiny promptly hopped out of the mine cart and began walking across the rails instead. “If Rareware had implemented the option to do this in Donkey Kong Country years ago, it really woulda saved a lot of players truckloads of frustration, too.” Dixie added onto that statement, to which Tiny hummed her agreement.
“Definitely! I’m definitely lucky I was spared the rubbish of dealing with those blasted mine carts for most of my videogame career! I wouldn’t have put up with all the injuries I’d have sustained from all those mine cart-related accidents, for sure!” Tiny also gave her ten cents on the whole mine cart fiasco within the Donkey Kong Country series. Nevertheless, the Kongs continued walking across the mine cart rails without much of a hassle, taking out Korsairs that were also walking across the rails along the way. They also faced a handful of Krembades as well, as well as a couple of Kremploders and Neckies. After traversing the entirety of the mine cart railroad on foot, the Kongs eventually came across a mine shaft where the chest holding the next piece of the Primate Print was stashed away in. Tiny Kong quickly opened the chest and whisked the map piece out of it.
“Corking! We’ve nicked ourselves another piece of the map! Let’s keep this up and keep cleaning out these mountaintops of Kremlings while we’re at it!” Tiny exclaimed in celebration, to which Diddy and Dixie hummed their agreement as the trio went on towards the third level of Monkey Mountaintops, Leap & Look Hollow.
This third level took place inside a cave with a lot of abysses that could send the Kongs plummeting to their deaths if they were to fall in them, so a lot of carefully planned jumps were required to get through. It didn’t help that the Kongs found themselves face to face with multiple Korsairs and Zingers that tried to get in their way. Fortunately, the Kongs found an Animal Crate with Winky the Frog inside, as he too had apparently been captured by the Kremling Krew since the last time Diddy met up with him.
Freeing Winky from his Animal Crate in a subsequent fashion, Diddy and Winky exchanged words about how the frog was right about the spidermonkey’s stroke of video game hero success running out, and Diddy apologized to Winky about not heeding the frog’s warnings. Winky accepted the spidermonkey’s apologies and offered him, Dixie and Tiny his help by letting them ride on his back and safely make it past all the Korsairs and Zingers that were hindering the Kongs. Thanks to Winky’s help, the Kongs made it towards the end of the level soon enough, finding a passage leading out the cave where the next chest with the following piece of the Primate Print inside was hidden. The Kongs thanked Winky for his help, and the frog told them that if they needed his help again in the future, they just had to come looking for him before hopping out of the cave himself.
Opening the chest and grabbing the Primate Print piece from it, Diddy smiled as he held it in his hands. “Kong-a-bunga! We’re slowly but surely putting this entire map together! I’m really beginning to get the hang of this!” Diddy said excitedly, an equally excitable smile resting on his face. Dixie and Tiny also smiled in joy at Diddy getting his video game hero mojo back in increments. “Well, let’s move on to the next spot these mountains happen to hold!” Diddy then told his girlfriend and sister-in-law before taking the lead and heading towards the next level of the Monkey Mountaintops, Spiral Path Shift.
As the name of this level suggested, it took place on spiraling mountain paths that took the Kongs higher into the Monkey Mountaintops. They also had to cross rickety walkways suspended in the air, along with multiple Korsairs, Krembades and Zingers that tried to stop them from venturing further into the area. Fortunately, the Kongs were able to make short work of them using their respective weaponry, the Peanut Popguns, Bubblegum Blowguns and Feather Bow. Squawks the Parrot was also there to help the Kongs traverse gaps they couldn’t otherwise cross by themselves as soon as the latter had freed the former from the Animal Crate that the Kremlings had trapped him away in.
Soon enough, the Kongs reached the end of the level and thanked Squawks for his help, to which the parrot acknowledged their thanks by telling them that he’d always be willing to help them again during their adventure should they need it. He then took off into the sky while leaving the Kongs to claim the next piece of the Primate Print, with the chest holding it being stationed next to a rocky staircase that would lead the Kongs to the next level of the Monkey Mountaintops. Dixie proceeded to open the chest and grab the piece of the Primate Print out of it in a consecutive manner.
“Alright, just one more piece of the Primate Print left to grab in this area, and a Kremkoin to nick off of one of K. Rool’s most trusted nincompoops, and these mountaintops should be ours!” Dixie stated with a cheerful grin, with Diddy and Tiny humming their agreement in response whilst nodding their heads in an equally affirmative manner. The trio then went up the rocky staircase leading to the fifth level of the Monkey Mountaintops, Altitude Aquatics.
Like the name of the level suggested, this fifth level of the Monkey Mountaintops was an underwater level taking place under the surface of a lake situated high within the mountainous archipelago. The Kongs engaged in combat with Scarabuccas, Flotsams, a single Krembader, a couple of Klampons, a single Kasket, a handful of Lockjaws, a single Rongeurchier, and a fortnight of Puftups. Fortunately, the Kongs were able to call upon the assistance of Enguarde the Swordfish, who had made his way up into the lake by swimming up the various streams of water that the Monkey Mountaintops happened to hold.
With Enguarde’s help, the Kongs managed to make short work of the aquatic adversaries in their way whilst dealing with the Kremlings on land themselves through the usage of their firearms. By the end of the level, the Kongs once again thanked Enguarde for his help, with the swordfish acknowledging it and bidding the Kongs farewell for the time being. In the meantime, the Kongs managed to find the next piece of the Primate Print inside the appropriate chest, which was hidden away inside a small cove opening besides the end of the level. Diddy grabbed it out of the chest and held it in his hands with a prideful smile.
“Woohoo! We got all the Primate Print pieces that this area happens to hold! Now let’s go and fight the Big Boss of the area and take their Kremkoin!” Diddy cheered as Dixie and Tiny joined in on the cheering as the trio began to make their way towards the boss area of the Monkey Mountaintops - Brother Brendan’s Bust-Up.
And here we are with the first part of Diddy Kong Country, the first story in the Palette Swap lineup for my 2026 ‘Shroom writing plan codenamed “Diddy Kong Redemption”! I was inspired to start this writing plan after seeing so many YouTube videos showing Diddy Kong being distraught and/or jealous at being replaced by Young Pauline as Donkey Kong’s sidekick in Donkey Kong Bananza, and as such, I decided to theme my writing plan for The ‘Shroom this year around a whole bunch of guest sections focusing on Diddy Kong! I was originally going to include this story in last month’s ‘Shroom issue, but sickness forced me to push it back towards this month’s issue! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this first part of the story, and I hope to see you back again next month!
Paper Mario: The Door
Written By: Remy Redboot
Chapter 4-2: Neat Little Bou
The hammer-wielding ghosts were coming out in droves but Mario was able to make quick work of them by casting magic at them like he was Kamek. He took his fair share of surprise hits but after being crushed by a couple too many Thwomps and Whomps in his time, he could handle it. At least, he could handle it until a hit square to the back knocked the wind out of him. He stood to his boots and tried his best to keep fending off the ghosts but he was running out of steam.
"Hey, take this," someone clacked from behind Mario. He didn't have time to react before a green mushroom landed squarely in his hands. With no time to see who this mysterious assistant was, he regained his energy and kept on his mission.
The last few ghosts, whose hammers had been upgraded from wooden mallets to metal meat tenderizers, started to swarm Mario. His normal approach of using Kamek-esque magic would be too slow for all of them. He briefly glanced at CJ's wand, imagining that it was the Star Rod that Bowser stole so many years ago, all because he was sour that he didn't win a lifetime supply of candy. He held the wand in front of him and channeled all of his energy into it, causing the gem to glow brighter and brighter until he couldn't handle having it in front of his eyes. At the same time, a ball of magic was forming directly above it, so he waved it at the horde of ghosts and hoped for the best.
The magic ball slammed into the face of the ghost directly in front of Mario and he got to watch them all collapse and disappear. Great, the ghosts were all gone, but now Mario was so exhausted from all the magic use that he couldn't even get back to the room CJ was in. He could only sit down against a wall and wait for his energy to come back. He had also run out of energy to keep himself human, turning back into a Koopa as he sat down.
He still wondered who made a sudden appearance, and just as sudden disappearance, to hand him a 1-Up. He looked around and all he could see was a Dry Bones that had clattered on the floor into a mess of bones. Typical of Dry Bones, but Mario had never heard the sound of a Dry Bones falling apart.
Still dizzy from the exhaustion, Mario got back up and stumbled over to the pile of bones. He wasn't used to seeing Dry Bones with pastel green boots and gloves but it was a welcome change, he supposed. As he was taking in the situation, though, the Dry Bones reformed itself in front of Mario. Even if he knew that was just a thing they could do, it always spooked him a little seeing it happen right in front of him.
"Is it over?" the Dry Bones sputtered. Having no vocal cords always made Dry Bones voices sound raspy and awful but Mario had listened to his share of rambly old people in his time. A Dry Bones' normal voice was pretty standard for him.
Mario informed the Dry Bones that there were no more ghosts, assuming that's what it meant.
"Finally," it said. "No idea who that guy was but he must have gotten use out of that mushroom."
Mario was unsure how to feel hearing that. He didn't even consider that he was a human while he was fighting off all those ghosts. How was he going to keep his secret from getting out if this Dry Bones ever met CJ? Would he have to trust both of them to a vow of silence on the matter? As much as he liked CJ, the odds of that happening were extremely low. That kid seemed like he couldn't keep a secret to save his life. Mario asked the Dry Bones to wait where it was.
"Oh, uh… sure, I guess."
Mario went off to find CJ and let him know everything was okay. There was still a layer of static in his peripheral vision from being woozy but he could walk in a straight line without worrying about falling over. He opened the door and found CJ sitting quietly on the floor, his eyes reddened. Mario could immediately tell that he still wasn't feeling good and walked over to try to comfort him in whatever way he could. He started by asking if the Koopaling was okay.
"I think so," he said. "I just got really scared. I don't want you or Sammy to be hurt."
CJ stood up as Mario placed a hand on his shoulder. He really wanted CJ to meet this Dry Bones so he could be thankful for the assistance, if not even make a new friend.
"Really? Um… sure," CJ said as he wiped his eyes to make it less obvious that he had been crying.
By this point, Mario was just going to have to improvise a solution to his secret. Instead of a vow of silence, Mario decided the best way to keep CJ from blowing his cover would be to tell him that the Dry Bones had just confused him with someone else and then hope for the best from there. To do so, he told CJ that he had been given a 1-Up by a Dry Bones who only got to see him for a split second before it fell apart on the floor.
"Oh, um… okay," CJ said. Mario realized it would have been a lot easier to tell the Dry Bones that it was him who rid the castle of its ghost problem but too late for that now.
Mario brought CJ into the hall where the Dry Bones was still standing, now with two bows tied around its elbows.
"Hi," CJ said. "You must be the helpful Dry Bones."
"Heh. I guess you could call me that," the Dry Bones said. "But you can call me Bou."
"Nice to meet you, Bou. I'm CJ."
"Oh, you're… you're Sammy's twin, aren't you?"
"Mhm, that's me. Do you know where he is?"
"Come with me, I'll show you."
Bou led CJ and Mario to a secret door to a staircase that seemingly led to a basement. Pit must have finally figured out that leaving the cursed Koopalings in plain sight would make it easier for them to be found. That wasn't an issue with CJ but that was probably just dumb luck.
"Sorry if I'm slow," Bou said. "Go on ahead without me if I break here."
His interest piqued, Mario pulled out the Comotron to get a reading on Bou. Thankfully for him, the machine was silent so he wouldn't be announcing to Bou and CJ that he was getting information.
"That's Bou. It will never, ever let you know if it was born a boy or a girl. Not even its beloved boyfriend Jordan knows that… but you'll probably be too distracted helping keep it together to care."
Aww, cute. This was the third couple Mario had heard about in this universe. Love must have been more in the air than it was back home in the Mushroom Kingdom. He did start to wonder how Norman and Teresa were doing since he hadn't heard from them in the time after he left that horribly humid hellscape. Mario was a little impatient to get down the stairs but it sounded like Bou had some kind of Dry Bones disability that made it hard to keep its limbs in place. This was all but confirmed when it slipped on one of the steps and lost its left leg.
"Um… little help here?" it asked.
Mario carried Bou down the rest of the stairs and CJ returned its detached appendage to it. In the basement was a big pool where Sammy, who seemed very much awake and alert albeit pretty bored, was laying at the bottom.
"What's he doing in there?" CJ asked.
"I don't know," Bou answered. "I can go in and ask."
"Go in?"
"Yeah, I can try to understand him from underwater. I don't know if it will work but I can try."
"Thank you, Bou."
Bou took off the two bows it was wearing, presumably so they wouldn't get soaking wet, and handed them to CJ before it slid gently into the water. The two landlubbers could only see a bunch of bubbles rising to the surface but somehow Bou was able to stand on the bottom of the pool perfectly. After a couple moments, it swam up.
"He says he's basically a fish now," Bou said. "If he comes above water, he'll start running out of breath so all he can do is stay here."
"Did Pit do that?"
"Let's find out," Bou said as they dipped under again. More indistinct bubbles later, it returned. "He says yes."
"Then we gotta get his curse off him," CJ said. "Can I, um… can I have my wand back?"
The magic wand had melded into Mario's hands to the point that he forgot he was even holding it, but he let CJ have it back. He had gotten enough magic use out of it for probably the rest of his life.
"Thank you. So, um… do I uncurse him now or when he's out of the water?"
Bou didn't even say anything before it went to ask Sammy's opinion on the matter, being the one dealing with the curse. Mario was starting to figure out that the Dry Bones must have been more dense than himself as a human. He was no scientist but E. Gadd could probably back that up. It sounded reasonable enough.
"He thinks you should do it right when we get him out of the water. He says he'll probably have too much water in him to make it very long if we do it now and he doesn't want to lose his breath either."
"So we just have to have good timing. That's easy, right? You can lift him up and I'll do the magic."
"Small issue," Bou said. "No way I'm lifting a whole person. My hands would fall off."
Mario volunteered to lift Sammy out of the water. He had hauled many a treasure chest out of the ocean in his time. What was a single small Koopaling?
"Can you get me out first?" Bou asked.
Mario grabbed onto Bou's shell as lightly as he could at risk of totally shattering the poor Dry Bones. He was equally gentle lifting it up and placing it down. Bou got its boots stable on the ground, and once everyone was sure it wasn't going to fall apart, Mario dove in.
Sammy was about as heavy as he imagined Larry, one of the Koopalings he knew back home, would be. That wasn't really much, but still put a strain on his Koopa Troopa arms. Once he reached the surface, he could see CJ wave his wand. As soon as he did, Mario ascended above the water with Sammy, who had started coughing hard.
"Are you okay, Sammy?" CJ asked, starting to panic. Sammy managed to fit in a nod through his fit of coughing out all the water that was left in him.
"Do you need anything?" Bou asked. Sammy shook his head. His coughing was slowing down, but he was shivering and very clearly needed to catch his breath. He was still feeling well enough to sit up.
"Thank you, CJ," he sputtered. "And Bou. And… whoever you are."
"This is my friend," CJ said. "He helped save me when Pit came to my castle. He says he's trying to save all the Koopalings."
"Really?"
Mario nodded. He only had three to go but it was starting to feel like he was going to start having some real difficulties on the way. "He already got Nikki and Jasper back to Ethan's house with dad, too."
"Wow, you're… you're so cool," Sammy said. Mario scratched his head awkwardly, having never been too good at taking compliments. "Guess that just leaves Feather, Vivi, and Tyrone."
All those names were news to him. Somehow, in this whole time, he had never gotten to hear the names of all seven Koopalings.
"Oops. Guess I thought someone else would have told you already," CJ said.
"Those are our big siblings," Sammy said. He was finally able to stand up, but he was still shivering and doing his best to warm himself up. "They're all pretty strong. If Pit got to them, he would have to use a lot of magic in order to curse them."
"Hey, I have an idea. Feather lives on the Isle of Giants, but he loves Yoshis. You can be one and someone will let you into his castle."
This was the strangest game of tennis Mario had ever played but he was being volleyed from form to form so often that he was becoming desensitized to it. He didn't even try to complain to CJ when he waved his wand.
"Whoa, you look cool like that," Sammy said. Mario looked down at his new body and sure enough, he was a red Yoshi.
"Can I bring you back to Ethan's so you can warm up?" CJ asked.
"Yes please."
"I can do that. But, um… thank you for letting me come with you," CJ said to Mario. "It was really fun."
The little Koopaling went to give Mario a goodbye hug. Even Mario, as frustrated as he could get with CJ, had grown to like him a lot. He was a fun little kid and Mario was going to miss him on the rest of his trip.
"Ack. I… I forgot you're still all wet."
Mario was too busy hoping no one would notice the tear that was welling in his eye to care.
"Well, um… good luck. And thanks again."
Mario and Bou waved off the twins as they disappeared back to Ethan's castle. Mario wasn't too excited to travel alone again. He loved having travel partners.
"Um… maybe I could go with you," Bou said. "I know I'm not really good at keeping my body together but you seem pretty nice, and you saved me from all those ghosts. It's the least I could do."
Mario was a little unsure about Bou's capability to make it through the entire trip, but he wanted to let it prove itself. It did help Mario during the fight against all the ghosts, too. After a little thought, he agreed.
"I won't let you down, promise," Bou said. "So, um… how do we get to the Isle of Giants from here?"
Random Video Analysis
Written by: Sparks (talk)
Additional Contributions by: Remy Redboot
| Thumbnail | 
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|---|---|
| Video by: | Genesis |
| Publish date: | September 18, 2014 |
| Views: | 4,087,790 (as of February 1, 2026) |
| Likes: | 37K (as of February 1, 2026) |
| Type: | Music |
Welcome 'Shroom readers to February's Random Video Analysis, a section where I analyze short YouTube videos and have fun! The videos I look at can also be sent in by YOU! Just suggest one in the dedicated thread. I've recently allowed those who already sent videos to be able to recommend more, although I'll prioritize those who never submitted before. I'll even let you add a note at the bottom...
Now, this is a first for me, because the video I'm analyzing is a music video! Specifically, it's named Jesus He Knows Me (Official Music Video), and it's about a song published in 1992. Special thanks to Remy Redboot for the suggestion! Unfortunately, due to copyright issues, I can't provide the lyrics to the song here. You can find them by searching them up, so no problem! Let's take a look at what this is, shall we? There's a lot going on!
What's it about?
"Jesus He Knows Me" was made by the band Genesis, and three people were primarily involved with the song:
- Tony Banks (keyboards)
- Phil Collins (drums, vocals)
- Mike Rutherford (electric guitars, bass guitar)
The music video itself primarily features the three men of Genesis (they're listed above)! Each of them wear a different colored suit: Mike Rutherford wears purple, Phil Collins wears yellow, and Tony Banks has blue. Throughout the video, their faces are seen on TV screens numerous times (I'll explain why in the "Interesting Observations" section below) and they all enjoy great success. The men are also occasionally seen singing with other people of all ages on a church set.
In the first part of the video, the three men arrive at a studio and receive makeovers before they all carry magazines with their faces on them. There is then a segment with Mike Rutherford, who is sitting in front of a camera singing the song. It is then revealed that he is just reading off of cue cards held by producers. Next we have scenes focusing on Phil Collins; first we have him presenting multiple magazines featuring himself on their front pages. Afterwards, we see him relaxing at an outdoor spa, where he enjoys the hit tub and receives a manicure. Various scenes of Phil and the others enjoying the spa are shown in black and white. These interrupt the colored segments of Phil.
Now it's Tony's time to shine! He's seen in the back seat of a vehicle (I think a limo?) where more magazines spin towards the screen. He is then seen on a TV screen, where the text ** 1-555-GEN-ESIS ** CALL NOW is displayed on the screen. Him, Phil, and Mike then get on their knees and lift their hands up like they're praying. The final scene of the video shows a charity event where $18,000,000 are raised.
Oh, and the song plays throughout the video! Forgot to mention that. Explaining what happens is actually pretty tough! As I said earlier, a lot goes on in this video, and some things are better seen than read about.
Interesting observations
- The song is a satire of televangelism, which is religious messages (usually Christian) being broadcast on television in front of mass audiences, but it's not insulting Christianity. That's probably why there are so many TV screens.
- There were actually televangelists in the early 1990s that used church money on lavish lifestyles for themselves, which could explain some of the lyrics to the song. Thank you Remy for letting me know about this!
- At specific scenes in the video, numbers are displayed at the top right corner of the screen, giving the impression that these are directly from TV.
- The church sets have the number 40.
- When Phil shows the magazines to the screen, the number is 55.
- Although not a channel number, VIDEO 1 is displayed during the fast-paced TV scenes.
- While Phil Collins provides the lead vocals for the song, Mike and Tony "sing" the lyrics whenever they have the spotlight, even though it's not their voices (probably).
- At one moment, an audience member holds up a sign with GENESIS 3:25 written in it. The band's name is Genesis, and the Book of Genesis is the very beginning of the Holy Bible. Interestingly, the last verse of Genesis 3 is 24, so there isn't a 25th verse.
- During the church scenes, Phil Collins has glasses and gray hair.
- The cue card has the exact lyrics currently going on during the segment it's featured in.
- GTV is shown several times throughout the video's length. That's probably short for "Genesis TV"!
- There are random black and white scenes in the video's entirety, not just at the spa scene. I mentioned it before because I wanted to tell you that everyone enjoyed the spa!
- GEN-ESIS in the phone number is equal to 436-3747. This means the entirety of Genesis's number is 1-555-436-3747. Thank you again Remy!
Gallery
Look at them, all fancy!
Very accurate cue card.
Getting down on your knees is the best way to pray!
Notes by Remy
So there's this guy on YouTube named Chris Hattings who, for about two and a half years, has been posting daily compilations of the Billboard top 40. He finished the 80s about a year ago and is currently working through the 70s and 90s, the latter of which is where I first heard of this song since it peaked at #23 in 1992. I added it to my playlist a while later, which I then showed to my dad's friend who's also very familiar with that era of music, and he recommended I watch the music video, so I did and it was really good. All this to say that I highly recommend both the song and the music video.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 227 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Poll Chairperson Election • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
