The 'Shroom:Issue 187/Fake News
Hello there, Fake News readers! Spooky month is in full swing now, we've gone way overboard decorating the office, and it actually feels like fall to boot. But no one here's willing to test the candy I came up with... Can I get any takers?
Our resident thespian is taking some time off, so The Mushroom Marquee is absent this month, and Horrorscopes remains on hiatus. However, we do have the return of our dubiously accurate Boo friend Spooks Booley with another installment of Diggin' Up Dirt! The rest of our sections are here as well, bringing you plenty of thrills and chills. Read on... IF YOU DARE! (Seriously though, please read on, we didn't write all these sections for nothing!)
Before I go, it's once again time for me to shill to potential writers! Are you interested in joining the Fake News team? If so, check out our sign up page for more details and send your application to Meta Knight! You can also write a one-off volunteer section with no application necessary and no further obligation. Want to write for News Flush? Cooking Guide? Police Blotter? Something else? No problem! Just contact me and I'll help you get everything squared away.
Also shoutout to MightyMario for the Frankentime joke you will see below unless you don't look at the list of sections for some reason.
Section of the Month
No, I didn't make a copying and pasting error, the top three are in fact the exact same as last month. Congratulations to Quizmelon (talk), continuing the first place run of TV Tomorrow! He may not have the best of luck with sponsorships, but the ratings are still soaring. In second place is Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, featuring a match between Groove Guy and Friendly Floyd, and in third place is Consumer Corner abusing the power of trends and FOMO. Thank you for participating, and please continue to support our team of writers with your votes!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|1st||TV Tomorrow||18||51.43%||Quizmelon (talk)|
|2nd||Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown||7||20.00%||Waluigi Time (talk)|
|3rd||Consumer Corner||6||17.14%||Waluigi Time (talk)|
Yar, 'tis that time o' the month again, ain't it? Well, welcome back to the Sport Report once more, mateys! Ye know who I be, I be that boulder chuckin' buccaneer, ClawgripFan9001! It be October, an' that means Halloween's 'round the corner! So to celebrate the occasion, I be takin' ye on a journey to the spooky lands o' the Mushroom World fer today's sports news! Yar! So let's set sail to these spooky shores!
So fer today's sports news, I set sail fer Twilight Town, a spooky town in a spooky land, where the Twilight Town Annual Marathon was 'bout to commence! An' fer those o' ya that don't know what a marathon be, I'll explain! A marathon is basically a foot race! Ye use yer own two feet (Or more, if ye have more than two feet) to run a foot race stretched out o'er a certain distance, and if ye run the fastest o' them all, ye be the winner! Yar! Now that ye know what a marathon be, let's get into the actual event!
I was able to interview the mayor o' Twilight Town, Mayor Dour 'bout the marathon, and he was able to tell me that the Twilight Town Annual Marathon was an event implemented sometime after the famous red plumber Mario rescued Twilight Town from a pig curse that was caused by the bell at the Creepy Steeple. The Mayor felt that Twilight Town needed some sort o' event to commemorate Mario's heroic deeds. An' that's when the idea fer the Twilight Town Annual Marathon was born. This year be the eighteenth edition of the Twilight Town Annual Marathon, an' it be a very special edition, 'cause the famous red plumber, Mario himself be competin' in this year's edition o' the event! Yar! So let's get into the event!
So the marathon's scheduled to go from Twilight Town, 'cross the Twilight Trail, to the Creepy Steeple, an' then back 'cross the Twilight Trail to Twilight Town. The marathon will have 'bout ten laps, an' the first person to cross the finish line at the tenth an' final lap will be declared the winner o' the event an' receive a gold trophy an' 500 Coins.
Other than Mario himself, there be a bunch of other notable speed demons from 'cross the Mushroom World at this year's marathon. I've seen Koopa the Quick an' II Piantissimo at the event, an' I also saw the Spooky Speedster tryin' to enter the race, but he was refused into the race 'cause ya have to have actual feet in order to enter the race. The Spooky Speedster didn't take kindly to bein' turned down fer the race, an' Mario had to step in an' get him outta Twilight Town. Yar! He be a brave one, that plumber!
So once everythin' was ready fer the race to begin, everyone gathered at the start line, and Mayor Dour gave the startin' shot fer the race, and that's when the racers took off fer the Creepy Steeple! Mario, Koopa the Quick an' II Piantissimo quickly took the lead in the event, as to be expected from such speed demons! The rest o' the participants in the event are runnin' at their own pace, clearly not in a hurry fer first place! Guess some people are takin' the time to stop an' smell the Fire Flowers, so to speak!
We then make it to the Twilight Trail, where Koopa the Quick an' II Piantissimo be determined to beat Mario in this race, since I be hearin' through me sources that these two speed demons have challenged Mario to a race before, an' they lost in all o' those races. 'Parently, the wounds from those losses are still oozin' in the present day, an' that be why Koopa the Quick an' II Piantissimo be so determined to beat the famous plumber today. But Mario clearly ain't bothered by these other two speed demons on his tail, since he be keepin' a smile on his face while happily singin' a song as he be runnin' 'cross the Twilight Trail! Yar! Wish more people could be as happy go-lucky as Mario!
All participants then make it to the Creepy Steeple, an' they all make a quick turn back towards the Twilight Trail, and Mario still be in the lead with Koopa the Quick an' II Piantissimo still hot on his tail. Yar, fer a pudgy Italian plumber, Mario sure be fast! I don't think he's even breakin' a sweat while he's runnin'! I wonder what his secret be? But I digress, fer we have more o' this race to cover!
All participants soon make it back to Twilight Town an' then turn back towards the Twilight Trail fer the second lap o' the race! While the participants continue to run 'cross the track, I take a quick break from watchin' the race to interview a few more people involved with the event! I was able to get a hold o' three sisters known as the Shadow Sirens, Beldam, Marilyn an' Vivian. These three sisters have been livin' in Twilight Town since the Twilight Town Annual Marathon came to be an' have been involved with the event ever since. Beldam told me that she an' her sisters always take care o' the signups fer the marathon and keep track o' all the signups to make sure that everyone who signed up is actually at the event, an' anyone who tries to participate in the race but didn't sign up will be pulled into the shadows by Beldam an' her sisters. I wasn't able to get a whole lot o' information outta Marilyn, since she only communicates by usin' words like “Guh”. Vivian, however, was more talkative, an' she expressed her excitement o'er Mario participatin' in this year's Twilight Town Annual Marathon, tellin' me that she traveled 'longside Mario durin' his adventure to gather the Crystal Stars. From the way she spoke 'bout Mario, it sounds like she be havin' a crush on the famous plumber. Yar, she be havin' good tastes in men, I say!
We then fast forward to the end o' the marathon, where we be on the final lap, with Mario still in the lead, an' Koopa the Quick an' II Piantissimo still tryin' the very best they can to beat the famous plumber, but their efforts be in vain, 'cause Mario crosses the finish line first, with Koopa the Quick takin' second, and II Piantissimo takin' third! Mario's the winner o' this year's Twilight Town Annual Marathon an' receives the gold trophy an' 500 Coins, as well as a kiss on the cheek from Shadow Siren Vivian! Koopa the Quick receives the silver trophy an' 250 Coins, an' II Piantissimo receives the bronze trophy an' 100 Coins!
Fer once, I was actually able to get a hold o' the losin' participants fer an interview! I was able to interview both Koopa the Quick an' II Piantissimo 'bout their losses in the event, an' Koopa the Quick told me that he be very ashamed o' himself fer losin' to Mario once again, an' that he will continue to train himself to try an' beat the plumber in a race one day, while II Piantissimo told me he feels like a Pokey flab biscuit fer losin' to Mario once again, an' that he's makin' a vow to the moon an' stars that he will beat Mario in a race one day as well. Yar, it feels good to finally be able to interview the losers o' the event fer once! Will I have the same kinda luck next time? Only time will tell! Yar, fer now, I wanna thank ya fer tunin' in to this month's spooky edition o' the Sport Report, mateys, an' I hope to see ya again next time!
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Phantom's Performance Draws Concerns over Audience Participation
Famous performer Phantom, better known by his stage name Tom Phan and most known for his star-making performance in the lead role of the opera Phantom of the Bwahpera, has drawn criticism for possessing audience members and forcing them to perform in the new Broodeway show A Possession Confession. Promising to open this October to coincide with the Jack O'Goomba festival and promising a story blending horror and romance, A Possession Confession has been highly anticipated by fans of opera and critics alike. The announcement that Phantom would play the role of the performance's chief antagonist only increased the buzz preceding the show's debut, with the famed baritone joining celebrities Lady Bow and Hayzee in a leading role.
The performance opened this past weekend to great fanfare, but audience members and critics have expressed concern over Phantom's decision to draw members of the audience into the performance by possessing them and forcing them onto the stage. Phantom maintains that the opera, with possession of random passerby playing a key role in the plot, is enhanced by having untrained audience members brought up on stage and possessed, saying it adds to the authenticity of the performance and makes each showing a unique experience. Critics argue that the possession is a violation of their privacy, and that forcing audience members to perform may cause them emotional harm. We spoke with one individual possessed on the show's opening night, who asked that we not publicize her name.
I knew there was a possibility I would be possessed from the waivers they had us sign, but I didn't think that, of everyone in the audience, I'd be one of the three brought up on stage and made to sing. It's not just about how uncomfortable it is to lose control of your body, it's a violation of privacy. I didn't ask to be judged by a whole audience. I didn't want to put myself out there like that.
Our attempts to reach out to Phantom and the Sherbet Organization, owner of the theater hosting the show, have been met with silence so far. For further commentary, we turn to correspondents Hooded Pitohui and Shoey.
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Hello, and welcome to another Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament that features your greatest nightmare... OPERA! I am your host, Dr. Waluigi Frankentime! It's that time of year again, and we're busting out some of the spookiest fighters we can find this Halloween! So stay tuned... IF YOU DARE!
Our first contestant, getting top billing because he's a real spotlight hog, is none other than the Specter in the Spotlight, the Paranormal Performer, PHANTOM!
This guy packs a booming voice - seriously, when he shrieks, you'd think he just blew up a rocket in your face. Being too close will even push you back, and in a fight where falling out of bounds means disqualification, that's a powerful tool! He can also create a shield around himself, temporarily turning anyone unfortunate enough to get too close into stone! And unlike most of the ghosts you'll find around here, not only is Phantom not weak to light, he's actually invulnerable while in the spotlight! This guy really gets a kick out of being the center of attention, I guess. To deal any damage to him, the overhead lights need to be knocked out first.
Man, I don't know any theater references to spice this up, where's Sal T. Thespian when you need him...
Unfortunately for Phantom, Smackdown can't run with just one star, so he'll have to share the spotlight here. Give a big hand to the Skeletal Spirit of the Seven Seas, the Marauder of Marrow, CORTEZ!
Cortez is an unpredictable one, because he has several forms to switch through! Depending on the form he takes, he can attack with lots of sharp and pointy things, toss bones, bite, headbutt, and even charge up to increase his attack power! I definitely wouldn't want to cross him... Oh yeah, and if he takes a little too much damage, he can recover by absorbing the souls of the audience!
...You guys did sign those liability waivers, right?
Well, we're big fans of spooky pirates here at Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, so my prediction is Cortez. Do I need a better reason?
Starting things off, Phantom is... singing? I guess he doesn't have much to worry about, he is invincible, after all... Cortez is using that good old four-armed form of his, always a great way to start out a duel! And he demonstrates Phantom's invulnerability to great effect, slashing at Phantom numerous times with his various weapons and doing absolutely nothing to him! Hopefully Phantom didn't want anyone to hear his song though, I'm not sure you can hear him over me. He doesn't even have a microphone in here, I thought he was supposed to be a professional! Cortez seems to get the picture now, and took out one of the spotlights by hurling his rapier at it! Normally I wouldn't be too happy about damaging our equipment, but it is part of the match, so...
But seeing the dimming spotlights, Phantom lets out an operatic shriek! Cortez is stunned and toppled over! Luckily for him, this form doesn't exactly make it easy to push him around, but the same can't be said for his weapons - he's lost them all except for his hook! He gets himself back into the fight as Phantom goes back to singing his song, and takes out the other set of spotlights with his hook! Being a towering skeletal monstrosity really gives you a vertical advantage, it would seem. With Phantom vulnerable, Cortez goes in for another swing of his hook, but Phantom puts up a shield in the nick of time, petrifying the pirate! This could be shaping up to be quite the comeback, as Phantom lets out another shriek! Cortez returns to his normal form but this time it's too much, and he collapses into a pile of bones! The winner is-
Wait a minute! He's back up and has gone into his second form! Cortez charges his attack as Phantom prepares for another shriek! But before he can, Cortez headbutts Phantom! That's gotta hurt! I assume he can feel pain, anyway. The lights are back on now, but Phantom doesn't appear too happy about the interruption of his performance. Cortez tosses a bone at one of the spotlights, knocking it out, but Phantom preemptively puts up one of his shields again! Another bone, and another spotlight goes out, leaving Phantom in the dark once again. This time he tosses a bone at Phantom, turning it to stone and nullifying the shield as he goes in for another headbutt! But as he does, Phantom shrieks again! The two of them trade blows! Cortez collapses once again, but sure enough, he's back up! This time he's just a floating head, but all those weapons he lost before are back into play and floating in the air as well!
Phantom attempts to push Cortez back with another shriek attack! It's effective, but not enough! He's still in the ring, and those weapons aren't going anywhere this time. Uh oh... Looks like some souls are getting absorbed! I wonder what the legality of that is... Actually, why doesn't he just absorb Phantom? Ah well, no turning back now. Cortez makes quick work of the spotlights this time, sending his weapons every which way and plunging the ring into darkness once more! Phantom puts up his shield, but Cortez just sends his weapons at him to absorb the shield's effects and attack at the same time! One, two, three- and with that, Phantom is singing a swan song! Cortez is the winner!
Woo, that was some match, eh? The spooky pirates always make good entertainment, I'm telling you! Thanks to everyone who tuned in! If you lost your soul during the match, see me on your way out and we'll compensate you with a 25% off coupon for any Waluigi Time Cereal product. As always, if you have an idea for a fighter for next time, give us your suggestions!
Hey Chuck, if you could come with me for handing out the coupons that would be great, some of these people might be a little bit mad.
Well, looks like I get to figure out how to get a ghost pirate to de-absorb souls now. This is going to be a tricky one...
Sorry, I’m a little pressed for time this month: I’ve been chosen to serve on the Committee for October Reclamation, which seeks to shrink October’s ‘spooky season’ associations and reclaim it as a beautiful autumnal month which just so happens to end with Halloween. I’m giving a presentation at the UN next week about Maple Treeway, and I have to rehearse it. But it would be remiss not to do TV Tomorrow this month; so here, with only a mere conclusive note of spookiness to mirror the Octoberish truth, is this month’s TV Tomorrow.
New: Light and Shadow
Genre: Queer horror drama miniseries
Though it’s classified as horror due to its setting (and therefore shunted into October, grr), this bold, heart-wrenching yet heartwarming drama follows Vivian, a young transgender woman who attempts to join the Shadow Sirens. Based on true events, the show’s creators have dedicated themselves to richly portraying Vivian’s struggle for gender identity and acceptance, as well as the oft-hidden yet vibrant LGBTQ side of Mushroom Kingdom life, creating a show unlike any before it on the MKBC channels.
Beauty is Ocean Deep
Genre: Makeover show
Another episode of the popular fashion advice/makeover show presented by the Lochladies of Lake Lamode, whose earnest Scottishness in such a French-sounding name will never cease to baffle me. Still, the Lochladies are busy this week, beautifying a Cheep Cheep into a sparkly rainbow fish and offering - as is expected of October, for some reason - some Halloween-themed fashion tips. It’s a style over substance show, really, but a worthy guilty pleasure.
Genre: Horror/monster movie
Oh, who am I to stop this from happening. Of course SmashFilm has conquered October with its selection of Halloween films, showing only the most terrifying stuff they can get the rights to show. I may as well then recommend the best of tomorrow’s scary selection - the original Behemoth, starring Toad, Pink Yoshi, and famously non-Mario actress White Mage. With its surprisingly great CGI and strong performances, Behemoth manages to be a genuinely chilling tale of a forgotten land stalked by a nightmarish cryptid beast. (Just ignore the sequels.)
That’s it for October. Enjoy the rest of this glorious month’s autumnal pleasantries, and please do participate in Halloween activities - just leave it until the end of the month. Now, I have to go - I’ve just discovered my speech to the UN is not actually to the United Nations but to the Ukiki Needlework society, which is frustrating. I’m going to have to rewrite my entire speech. Anyway, keep watching TV, reclaim October from the spooky, and see you in November for another TV Tomorrow!
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
MEANWHILE, DEEP IN A SECRET LABORATORY-
Wait a minute, wrong mad scientist. My bad, hang on a minute.
...Okay, there we go.
Lightning ominously flashes and thunder dramatically crackles overhead, as within the walls of the Waluigi Time Secret Laboratory, the cereal magnate-turned-mad scientist, Dr. Waluigi Frankentime, and his hunchbacked assistant Chuckgor, work on yet another maniacal experiment. "Finally, Chuckgor, my latest experiment is almost ready! Those villagers will never know what hit them! WAAAAAHAHAHA!!!" cackles Frankentime, as he pulls away a sheet, revealing a cereal box strapped to a table. "Uh, yeah, that's cool and all master, but why are we terrorizing the villagers again?" Chuckgor asks. "Because it's FUNNY!" "Yeah, that's a good point, I guess."
"Now stand back, and watch my brilliance unfold!" announces the mad scientist, as he opens a package of candy corn and pours some into a carefully measured container... only to throw the container away and dump the rest of the package's contents into the cereal box instead. Next, Frankentime pulls out a bar of chocolate and crushes it between his hands, letting the pieces fall into the box, which would almost definitely violate health and safety standards if this weren't a highly fictionalized setting! "The time has come, Chuckgor... Bring me the Incredibly Scary Ingredient!" "Uhh... The what?" "The Incredibly Scary Ingredient!" "Umm..." "Fine, I'll get it myself..."
Dr. Frankentime rummages through various cabinets with no success. "Where's the Incredibly Scary Ingredient?!" he asks. "Oh... You mean THAT thing... Yeah, uh, it's gone," Chuckgor replies. Frankentime facepalms in response. "You know what, it's fine, we'll just use... Marshmallows! Spooky!!!" Frankentime nervously tosses some marshmallows into the box and shuts the flaps. "Pull the lever, Chuckgor!" "Yes, master..." Chuckgor pulls the lever, electrifying the weird mad scientist gizmos and zapping the box on the table, which begins rustling. "IT'S ALIVE!!!" Frankentime exclaims, as he unleashes the now-living box from its restraints. "Now go, my creation! Inflict your cereally terror on these villagers!"
Meanwhile in the nearby village, a family of Koopa Troopas sits around their table, with the most unappetizing looking pancakes imaginable. "I'm so sick of these pancakes," one of them says. Suddenly, the box of cereal crashes through the wall! "AHHHHHH! You could've at least used the front door, you stupid box!" another one exclaims. The Koopas tremble in fear as the box ominously approaches them...
Later that night, Dr. Frankentime is awoken by pounding on his door. "WAAAH-t could someone possibly want at this hour?" he grumbles, opening the door to see the box of cereal, accompanied by various villagers with pitchforks. "What's the meaning of this?!" "Your creation went on a rampage through our village..." Frankentime peers inside the box to find it empty. "...and it was a breakfast smash!" "Well, that wasn't the intention, but I'll take it..." "You have to make more of this stuff!" "Okay... But what's with the pitchforks?" "To ensure compliance." Frankentime sweats nervously as he calls for his assistant. "CHUCKGOR! WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE CANDY CORN!"
Frankentime's Monster Cereal lives again! Be the hit of the land this Halloween and join Frankentime's breakfast smash!
"Wahaha! Eat this or else!"
Diggin' Up Dirt
A New Pecking Order
Hey, what's up. It's your guy here, Spooks Booley. Looks like my last exposé really stirred things up. I got one of those fancy little trophies from The 'Shroom and everything. Heh heh heh... That'll show them.
Well, never fear. I'm back, and I dug up some more dirt for you all. I won't sugarcoat it, this little nugget of truth ain't for the faint of heart! But havin' a weak stomach's a lousy excuse for ignorance, so you better read up. Here we go. What are we talkin' about today?
Hear me out on this one, alright? We're not talkin' about any ordinary old chickens here. These birds are packin' some serious power. I'm talkin' "wipe out entire civilizations with a sneeze" levels of power here! There's eight of 'em. The Eight Chickens of the Apocalypse, I like to call 'em. Now, they don't just roam free, no no no. People knew their power. Smart fellas. Nearly two decades ago, these chickens were sealed away, each one isolated from the other in a deep, dark void. Then they built a golf club on top of it. No, I'm not tellin' you which one, that information can't fall into the wrong hands!
But they're waiting... Biding their time... Will they be able to escape the void someday and wreak havoc on our universe? Dunno, maybe. What I do know is how to weaken their power. You know King Boo, right? My main man, a real top notch guy. Gets more powerful when there's more Boos 'round him. These chickens are the same way, so what we gotta do is make sure there's less chickens! Go to Kellonald's, buy up chicken nuggets! Throw a neighborhood barbecue! Stuff like that!
I don't actually know if Kellonald's sells chicken nuggets. I don't go there myself, I don't really eat, y'know?
So yeah, that's all I got. Really shook up your world there, but luckily there's somethin' we can do about it. Stay sharp.
|The 'Shroom: Issue 187|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|