The 'Shroom:Issue 166/Fake News
While 2020 may be over, 2021 has just started, and the 'Shroom continues! This month is relativity calm and normal. However, there is a new section: Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown by Waluigi Time (talk)! Be sure to check it out.
Section of the Month
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
The residents of Twilight Town were in a dour mood today as they learned of the death of their longtime mayor, Mayor Dour. Dour had been the mayor for the downbeat town since 2000, beating out prospective candidate Sunny Day. Sunny Day has not been near Twilight Town since losing the election, and was unavailable for comment.
Mayor Dour was actually born with the first name of Mayor, and held ambitions for high office, professing in 1998 that one day he hoped to be a mayor for somewhere. At the time, he told reporters that “it just felt right for some reason.” However, he faced a tumultuous time in office, having to deal with his townsfolk being transformed into pigs in 2004, and leasing out an expensive townhouse for racing folk to tear around in with Shells and Stars. Costs for repairing the house totalled over $70,000 for townsfolk.
However, during his 20 years of public service, he also achieved many things, like telling Mario about the pig plight, which ultimately put an end to it, and subsequently organising many pig-themed events on the anniversary of the year. The event would also see many pigs brought into the town and served to the townsfolk, although some still remained traumatised by the events of that year.
Mayor Dour's funeral will be held in the upcoming week, people not from Twilight Town are advised to look as gloomy as normal residents of the town. Residents of Twilight Town are advised to look gloomier than normal, but not so gloomy that it may arise suspicion.
People don't have to worry about missing Mayor Dour for particularly long, however, as acclaimed actor, Doopliss, has promised to emulate him until formal elections can be held. As part of his term as acting mayor, he promised not to turn anyone into pigs, unless they asked annoying questions like “Would you consider rigging the *OINK*!”
OINK OINK, SQUEAL SQUEAL. OINK OINK OINK OINK!!!!!
Goombuigi: Welcome back to another episode of Monthly Inquisition! Today, I will be interviewing a peculiar enemy originating from Super Mario Bros. 2. Please welcome … Shy Guy!
Goombuigi waits for Shy Guy to come on stage, but he is nowhere to be seen.
Goombuigi: Um, sorry about that. I'll see what's the problem.
Goombuigi explores the backstage, only to find Shy Guy weeping in the corner.
Goombuigi: Shy Guy, it's time to be interviewed.
Shy Guy: I can't! I … I can't just go on the stage! In front of millions ...
Goombuigi: It's not millions! Just a couple of hundred.
Shy Guy: Please, no, can't you interview someone else?
Goombuigi: I couldn't find anyone else. (Not after the scandal that happened last time...)
Shy Guy: How long will it be?
Goombuigi: It'll be done within an hour. Don't worry. Now, hurry up, the audience is waiting.
Goombuigi and Shy Guy entered the stage at last, to a less than enthusiastic response, and to several impatient glares. Shy Guy begins to shiver.
Goombuigi: Well, let's get this over with. First question: What's behind your mask?
Shy Guy: I … I'd rather not say.
Goombuigi: Come on! Mario saw it, so why can't you tell me?
Shy Guy: Because I don't want anyone else to know.
Goombuigi: Oh well. I'll have to ask Mario about it, if - I mean when - I interview him.
Shy Guy audibly gulps.
Goombuigi: Anyway, we know that Shy Guys are well-known for being shy, but the question is - why are you shy? And beige you answer, don't tell me you'd rather not say. We need some content for the audience.
Shy Guy: Well, it's because of him. You know … Bowser.
Goombuigi: How so? Does he threaten you?
Shy Guy: Um, yes. He does.
Goombuigi: How exactly?
Shy Guy: Um, well, he threatens to, um, lock me up.
Goombuigi: Lock you up where?
Shy Guy: I don't, um, know exactly. But, wherever it is, it doesn't sound good.
Goombuigi: If you had to guess, where would you think it is?
Shy Guy: I … I'm not sure.
Goombuigi: Very well. Next question: if you are shy, why do you go out to fight Mario? That doesn't seem like something a creature as shy as you would do.
Shy Guy: It's because Bowser forces us to.
Goombuigi: So, he forces you to go out there and find Mario? Doesn't he know that you're shy?
Shy Guy: Well, yes, but it's his orders. We have to listen to his orders.
Goombuigi: I see. But you didn't serve Bowser at first, did you? Didn't you use to work under Wart's army.
Shy Guy: Yeah, we did.
Goombuigi: How was he compared to Bowser? Was he better or worse?
Shy Guy: I'd say better. He was a lot less serious with his orders, that's why I like him more.
Goombuigi: I see. How did you end up joining Bowser, then?
Shy Guy: It's a bit of a long story.
Goombuigi: Go on...
Shy Guy: Well, after Wart was defeated, we were left with no leader. We were … aimless. We have not much of a purpose anymore. But one day, Bowser found out about us, and he asked if we'd like to join him, since he was looking for enemies to take on Mario. He offered good pay, so we agreed.
Goombuigi: So, do you regret that decision?
Shy Guy: I'd say definitely yes. The money was tempting, but it fooled us into his deadly control.
Goombuigi: I'm sorry to hear that. However, I haven't seen you work with Bowser too much recently. Is that true?
Shy Guy: Yeah. We sort of stopped working with him after our … unpleasant experience.
Goombuigi: So, what do you do now?
Shy Guy: We've learnt to be independent, and have gotten around that way.
Goombuigi: Good to hear.
Shy Guy: Is this going to be over soon?
Goombuigi: Yes, but I have one more question. What's behind your mask?
Shy Guy: I already told you! I don't want to say.
Goombuigi: Come on! The audience would love to know.
Shy Guy: No … no, I can't show it. I don't want to do it.
Goombuigi: It doesn't matter what you look like under the mask. Don't be afraid to show it!
Shy Guy: If it doesn't matter, then why do you want to see it?
Shy Guy (to himself): Checkmate.
Goombuigi: Well, I can't end the interview until you show me what's behind your mask. We haven't gotten much juicy info so far, and I'd like to end on a high note.
Shy Guy: No, please...
Shy Guy panicks and tries running away. While doing so, he trips, and his mask falls off. While the audience are unable to see his face, Goombuigi is, and he is instantly traumatized. He freezes, and his face reveals an expression of disgust and agony. He waits for Shy Guy to put his make on, and Shy Guy scurries away without a word.
Goombuigi: Well then … I hope that you enjoyed the interview … and tune in back for next month. Now, if you excuse me, I have to...
Goombuigi runs to the bathroom, where he spends the rest of the day.
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Hello everyone, and welcome to the first ever Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the very legal fighting tournament where we definitely didn't kidnap our participants! They'll probably tell you we did if you ask, but that's just an inside joke we're starting. Don't pay any attention to it.
So here's how this is going to work. Before the match, I'll analyze the contestants and give my predictions for who will win, then we watch the fight and see what happens. Anyway, without further ado, here's our contestants for this month... Goomba and Thwomp!
I'm sure you all know Goombas, they're a common sight around the Mushroom Kingdom and need no introduction. They have very simple combat tactics and usually resort to either running into their foes, or just walking forward and hoping whoever they're walking towards isn't smart enough to get out of the way. Don't count them out as being stupid yet though, because these little guys use their heads too - literally! They can jump up in the air and land headfirst on their target. Sounds like something that would result in high rates of concussions and amnesia. I'm glad that I'm not a Goomba.
Next we have a Thwomp, one of those weird stone things that are apparently either made by volcanoes or are just ghosts. There's a bit of conflicting research on that issue, but I'm not a Thwomp biologist. Anyway, these guys are usually spiky, but sometimes they're not spiky. This particular Thwomp that we have here today appears to be especially spiky. Typically, they float in the air and then fall straight down, smooshing anything unfortunate enough to get in their way, but sometimes they move sideways instead. They're pretty tough and can shrug off quite a few methods of attack too.
My prediction is an easy victory for Thwomp. Running into a stone block doesn't seem very effective, and jumping headfirst onto a giant spike sounds like a good way to become a shish kebab. On the other hand, it's a well-known fact that Goombas are easily dispatched when that fat Italian guy lands on them, so I don't possibly see how a giant stone can do any worse. But hey, it's not over until it's over, and if we didn't have the match then I would just be some weird guy rambling about the combat merits of various species and no one would have their bets paid. (This is a joke, we definitely don't allow betting on matches)
Looks like Goomba's starting off with the classic "walk in a straight line" approach. Probably not the smartest idea, since he's walking straight toward Thwomp, and- oh. Well then, looks like we have a Goomba pancake now. Good thing we have a stash of 1-Up Mushrooms in the back. Thwomp wins, yay.
Well, that was pretty anticlimactic. I probably should've seen that coming. Tune in next month for what will hopefully be a more interesting matchup, assuming the authorities don't shut us down for no reason whatsoever.
Written by: Coffee
Good news, world is saved, no more Shroobs, everything is now (mostly) fine, and we can all get on with the more important matter of reading descriptions for fictional television programmes in obscure digital publications. But in order for you to read them, someone’s got to write them, and that person is me, writing to you, right here, right now, hello, how are you, nice day, isn’t it. Should I be getting on with my job now? I think I probably should.
New: Waluigi Number One
Party Channel, 9.30pm
Genre: Comedy/reality series
It’s not often that the Party Channel, a television network mostly known for low-effort, lowbrow programming and a more relaxed atmosphere than the more professional MKBC channels, gets my top recommendation of the month, but every now and then we have something like Waluigi Number One. Based on Waluigi’s successful podcast of the same name, the semi-scripted show follows a similar format, as Waluigi goes on his personal quest to be the best at everything in the world. In tomorrow’s first episode, he tries to become a tennis champion, with hilariously mixed results.
Genre: Arts and crafts competition
Another show that wouldn’t look out of place on the Party Channel, Beast Battles is actually a long-running MKBC2 series, where professionals use junk to build ‘beasts’ that duel against one another in tightly-fought competitions. It’s the beginning of a new series, so tomorrow’s heat will introduce four new beasts; the Tin Can Condor’s meek-looking face should not be taken as a sign of weakness, while the confusingly-named Flaming Thunder, made from a worn-out motorcycle, might have more flaws than its fierce appearance lets on.
Genre: Action comedy
Always looking for a reason to have a major movie marathon to fill the schedules, SmashFilm are airing all seven of the ‘Diddy’ action films starring Diddy Kong, to celebrate their 25th anniversary (even though that would technically have been two months ago). Diddy is the first one, showing tomorrow, and also the one with the best critical reviews, as well as the one with the most actual plot. Really, the original is the only one worth watching, but tune in at 10pm the rest of this week for Diddy 2, Diddy 3D, Diddy IV, Diddy Madness, Return of Diddy, and Diddy 7: Ultimate Kong.
Indeed, much like SmashFilm’s tireless endeavours to fill its schedules, I now begin my tireless endeavour to fill this conclusion, ideally with a satirical commentary on something fictional. That’s what this job’s about, after all. Well, when I say ‘job’, I really mean ‘voluntary unpaid work’; the ‘Shroom is of course a not-for-profit publication. (At least I think it is. I hope other people aren’t getting paid to do this.) There, that’s my equivalent of a Diddy movie marathon. I’ll see you in February!
(...Are other people getting paid to do this?)
|The 'Shroom: Issue 166|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • 'Shroomfest Highlights • Directorial Address|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner• Strategy Wing|