The 'Shroom:Issue 131/Fake News
Hey guys, hope you're having a good February! I am very tired and busy so won't be able to say much here, but I hope you enjoy this edition of the Fake News.
Congratulations to Hooded Pitohui, who now writes Shop Scout, and Raregold who writes a new section titled Selling Out!
Section of the Month
Good evening, viewers, from MKBC6, with your weather forecast for the week ahead.
Your Lovely Hearts day is going to be very cold and snowy. Residents are advised to stay indoors during the coldest parts of the week. Temperatures will rise steadily into next week, which should melt some of the snow that will be coming down this week.
For everyone heading to Shiveria to watch the races, here is your forecast for this week! Don't forget to grab some cake while you're there!
A nation has been plunged into mourning following the passing of Prince Bully. The prince was due to succeedonce he passed, but now the Bully Kingdom has been left without an heir to the throne, throwing up a whole range of questions about who will succeed him when he eventually passes.
It is unknown what caused Prince Bully to die, but as he was usually a round fellow, and his body looked like a compressed cylinder, it is surmised that he went on an extreme diet.
Prince Bully led a fairly secluded life, although he did interact with his subjects who lived in the Sprixie Kingdom, otherwise known as World 6. I was, however, able to speak to some of the Fuzzies that populate the kingdom. “Prince Bully was our absolute idol! Especially the last part of his name, we really took that to heart when trying to stop Mario and co.”
Neither King nor Queen Bully were available for comment, and both threatened to have me strung up if I went ahead with an obituary. But as I’m a fearless reporter, I’m going to continue anyway. Thankfully, one of the royal pages was able to speak with me. “We only tolerated Prince Bully because our kingdom is in a deal with Bowser. If we allow Prince Bully to get to the throne and sell off the kingdom, we get to keep our snazzy jazz soundtracks. Now that he’s dead, we have no idea what Bowser will have in store for us.”
Prince Bully will have a state funeral, and will be buried in the royal cemetery. World 6 is expected to close down for the entire day, will have many people scratching their heads as they wonder where all of the clouds have disappeared to. Mourners are expected to line the streets, and if they don’t, well then they’ll be locked up in the World 6 dungeons with myself. Hopefully, I’ll have been let out by the time next month rolls around.
Hello again, readers, and welcome to the newest edition of the Monthly Inquisition. My name is Koohitsu and I have a very special guest today. New Donk City's very own head honcho and festival sensation: Mayor Pauline!
Well, as you've already mentioned, I am the current mayor of New Donk City. I oversee the city's development and am actively involved in a whole lot of different matters regarding the Big Banana's political issues, both on a small and on a larger scale. When I'm not in the office or busy with some form of project, I enjoy leisurely strolls through the streets as the setting sun shimmers against the reflective windows of our financial district. I also like singing and am no stranger to performing before a large audience.
Maybe so, I do still love it though. I particularly enjoy singing songs with a lot of energy that people can easily dance to. You should come to one of our festivals some time, if you're curious about how all that works out.
Well, I have spent a significant part of my life dedicated to New Donk City's development. Considering the progress the city has made under my guidance, I would like to think I am doing a good job. You never know for sure though, my number of creepy admirers has gone down a bit lately, so maybe my popularity is waning.
Well, are you familiar with my newest hit song "Jump Up, Super Star"? The line "I'll be your 1-Up Girl" isn't just meaningless fluff; I quite literally AM a 1-Up girl. I grab a mushroom every morning, grind it up into a paste, and slap it onto my face. Doing that keeps you young and spry forever, so I've been in my mid-20s for decades.
Eh he he... maybe I did go a little overboard with importing them... I could probably cut back on the monthly shipments before the mushrooms go extinct. I think I can live with one or two boatloads less.
Oh that takes me back. See, before I became renowned as mayor, people in the city knew me as "that lady who got grabbed by the gorilla". It's a story that's made the rounds in the newspapers at the time.
It happened right around the time I came to know Mario as well. Back then nobody knew him by that name yet. He and his younger brother whose name escapes me right now were employed as job-hoppers, so we all just called him Jumpman.
Oh, right right! So, one day I was kidnapped by Donkey Kong. He is actually a big sweetheart and not usually like this, but he was being mistreated by his then-owner and went through a rough patch at the time. He didn't really know how else to express himself, so he grabbed me and carried me up a building. Jumpman came after us and saved me, so it all ended well.
Well, what most people don't know is that Jumpman... kind of took a very long time saving me. I later heard it was because he kept chasing after items I dropped, and going back and redoing sections of the building to "get more points". But essentially: I had a lot of time to kill up on that construction site, so I just watched the city for a while.
No, the city was a mess! The previous mayor was a complete idiot who had no idea what he was doing! He zoned residential areas right next to industry parks, and one of his power plants exploded and coated everything with fuzzy dust. People were dizzy for weeks! Someone had to step up and fix it all, and when I saw the whole city in its mismanaged glory all at once, I realized it had to be me!
This is a bit embarrassing... back when he was Jumpman, we would often make googly eyes at each other and I guess you could say we were kind of an item. It wasn't really a serious thing though, and we both knew it. Things did get a little out of hand after he saved me, unfortunately.
Well, he wasn't really famous before then, and the sudden attention he got from the media... You could say it went to his head. He started doing strange things, like recreating the Donkey Kong incident while wearing a clown outfit, among other things. He started to seriously creep me out when he began capturing animals and putting them in cages for "wronging" him. I told him to get lost and we didn't see each other for a while. When we met again years later, he had become famous as "Mario", and he seemed more stable, so we started talking again.
I don't think I've ever met Mario before he was Mario. I did see him a few months ago while traveling. He threw his hat at me, and for some strange reason I can't remember what happened after that. It was a strange day.
No, not really. He seems content with whatever he has going on right now, and so am I. I suppose being involved with a hero seems glamorous and romantic... But I am a career woman first. If I'm ever going to marry, it will have to be someone reliable. I need someone who's there to hold down the fort, not a knight chasing princesses.
Yes, the Bowser wedding thing. I got an invitation from him, but I don't know why; I have never interacted with the man before. I went anyway though, for appearances sake. It's always good to make appearances in other kingdoms. The locals see a woman from another land and they get curious. It keeps Metro Kingdom in the public awareness and it helps tourism.
Very much so! We threw one of our big festivals for him in the streets. It was a big hit. We had to repeat it like five times because everyone couldn't get enough of it. Of course then Mario just HAD to do it in just his underwear that one time, and that was the end of it.
Well, see... back when the power plant exploded... let's say getting dizzy wasn't the only thing that happened. It's tragic, but they're perfectly fine people underneath the horrific mutations, so don't be scared of them.
Welcome back to TV Tomorrow, the only ‘Shroom column that discusses the Mushroom Kingdom’s programming schedule. February has always been my least favourite month*, and in my opinion the best way to spend February is in front of the television, watching the top three shows I’m suggesting for you to watch in this column. So here they are!
New: The Mah Jong Lovers
The Sea Slide Survival Game
Winter Olympics 2018
And that’s what I recommend to satisfy your craving for quality Mushroom Kingdom television this February. Next week, on TV Tomorrow, I will be discussing three top shows to watch on one specific day in March, almost exactly the same thing I was doing today. And this is why I don’t do the ‘Next week, I’ll be...’ cliché. See you next time!
*Sincere apologies if you have any affiliation with the month of February; to clarify, I am not showing anger towards you in any way, just towards February.
Welcome, welcome. You have the taste of an entrepreneur. Yes, I can tell as much of someone who would pick up such a marvelous guide as this one. I am Flavio, the famed merchant from Rogueport, and I have taken up a journey to the world's great commercial enterprises. Why would Flavio, who could be doing so much more with his important time and connections, do such a thing, you ask? Flavio tells you. I, being the marvelous and altruistic merchant that I am, want to share with the poor masses my knowledge so they too may find success. Through this review of the world’s businesses, Flavio will share his pillars of success and tips for entrepreneurial activities of your own. If you will take this journey with Flavio, you too may be able to attain some measure of wealth and fame.
To begin this journey, I have fearlessly braved the snow and ice of the land’s northern reaches. The cold chills Flavio. Even with my luxury coat, the frost clings to me. Yes, the two-mile walk from the warp pipe to the Fahr Outpost was treacherous, but Flavio did not give up. This is Flavio’s first lesson, one which this town will demonstrate well; even through the hardest of times, one must always persevere. Perseverance like Flavio’s will always win the day.
Upon arriving in this secluded town, I sought out my first destination. The Fahr Inn Post, where Flavio was to have his first decent meal in the hours since he left home and warm, lies near the heart of town. As any good developer knows, a high-quality inn for the accommodation of tourists can make or break local business. This is why Flavio will be evaluating all kinds of businesses in his travels; all businesses are interdependent. The inn itself cannot be faulted; it is warm and cozy. The down sheets and constantly-tended to fireplace are fine examples of tailoring a business to the needs of a customer. The service, on the other hand, was lacking. The only thing cooler than this town’s air is its residents. These bombs make Flavio uncomfortable; they keep to themselves and seem able to explode at any moment. How sad it would be if they singed Flavio’s clothing with a blast... Flavio will share with you a lesson, though. When the people of a strange land do not immediately take to you, remember Flavio’s story. Even with his magnificence, Flavio could not immediately make these bombs open up to him. It is in these cases where perseverance will serve you well. Just as Flavio uses his charm and, undeterred by initial failure, continues to work on these frozen folk, you too should not give up when trying to win over the populace in new markets. After a nice night in the inn, the innkeeper showed terrible service again with a complimentary breakfast that was absolutely atrocious. This bland Space Food has a horrible texture and is certainly not fit for a gourmet like myself. Foppish Gourmet Weekly will surely feature this in a list of meals to avoid. When I asked why this horrid food was served to guests, the innkeeper stonewalled me and rushed me out of the door.
Despite having been denied the chance to properly prepare, Flavio persevered and braved the cold. I trudged to my final and most important destination, the Northwinds Mart. This quaint shop does not offer much, but I was delighted to find that the owner was friendlier than the rest of the town. Here, Flavio found a shop that carried the essentials. A Super Shroom and Maple Syrup are basic supplies that anyone should carry. As one might expect, the prices for these imported items was a fair bit higher than one would normally find. Let this be a lesson from Flavio; frugal travelers plan ahead and buy their supplies in ample quantity for the cheapest price. If you are like Flavio, you would know it is a better deal to buy these essentials in bulk back at Rogueport so as not to have to pay extra in this remote village. On the other hand, the cold and frozen items here are extraordinarily cheap, as they have snow and ice in great abundance. The good entrepreneur knows how to make specialization work to their advantage through good trade. I bought a great quantity of Ice Storms to ship off to Keelhaul Key and Lavalava Island, where I expect a healthy profit on them. The Fire Flowers I brought fetched an amazing price, as expected from a place where heat is in great demand. I found a peculiar item in the shop, as well: Shooting Stars. Why this frozen realm would have these baffles Flavio. When I asked about it, the otherwise open shopkeeper clammed up. Nevertheless, Flavio persevered and continued with the questions. Unfortunately, I was then asked to leave the store.
That is the end of Flavio’s first report. On the businesses of the Fahr Outpost, I would say they do well for such a remote town, but they are sorely lacking in proper service and good food. To all of you readers, remember to always persevere just as Flavio does, and you shall find success.
Trying to navigate all the turns of building a business empire can be tough, with all the backdoor deals, salty clients, and having to butter up so many people just for the catch of the day. Naturally, you need to start somewhere, you’d think on a street corner struggling to make ends meet. Ah, though you are wrong my friend! Realah T. has an offer that’ll have you piling up coins, and on the fast track to financial success.
Located in the heart of Coconut Mall, this lovely outlet shop is sure to attract plenty of traffic (I legally need to mention, as per the owner of Coconut Mall, all vehicular damages are the liabilities of the drivers, not the establishment). The large amount of sign space present above the entrance is useful for catching the eyes of any passerby looking to snag a little treat. Though as they say at the Completely Real Estate Academy, it’s what’s on the inside that really counts.