The 'Shroom:Issue LX/Fake News
Hey, everyone! Welcome again to Fake News, and, this month, it's faker than anything else in the entire world
except politicians! It's the 60th (or 59th or whatever) edition of Fake News, and, well, we sure have a lot for you this month!
Starting off, two users were hired: Travix Man (talk) will be writing the Fake Police Blotter, and Toadbert101 (talk) now writes Fake Ads. Also, we have a guest section from our Affiliates Manager, Crocodile Dippy (talk), who will be writing the Travel Guide this month!
So, without further ado, let’s begin!
LOCAL ARCHEOLOGIST UNEARTHS “MYTHICAL” TREASURE
Last Tuesday, famed archeologist and elementary school science teacher, Professor Hankley discovered a rare treasure while exploring the deepest, darkest caves of Poshley Heights. Once thought to be a myth, the Emerald Melon was found at the end of Poshley Cave.
"Apparently there was supposed to be a big monster guarding this treasure, but all that was left was its remains. Poor fool", exclaims Hankley.
"The melon is supposed to bring its bearer a bountiful harvest on the 5th of every month. I hope it's true, I spent all the money I had left on this beautiful stand for when I found the melon. Note, I said when, because I'm the greatest archeologist in existence. Har har.
No seriously, I am."
"Currently, this beautiful treasure is with my collection of other great excavations. To the right of this beauty is a useless spherical object I won in a bet with some old dude. Don't really remember the poor sap's name. I haven't really found the purpose or importance of this crap, so I just leave it in this container. Now, to the left of it, you may be wondering what that is. It's a water faucet...
What's with that look...I'm telling ya, that thing's worth a FORTUNE. When I go to the bank with the thousands I make from selling, then we'll see who's the crazy one! YOU HEAR ME?!"
Flower Fields, recently a hot vacation spot, has been shut down due to Occupational Health and Safety concerns. The list of injuries at the fields have increased from one to two and a half in the past seven years, so the government made this decision late last night.
One of the main concerns at the fields was the large well. While some holidaymakers threw a berry, or their money, or the deeds to their houses, down the well, some extremist tourists decided to jump down the well. Strangely, the people who fell down the well also showed signs of being badly attacked by something. However, this was probably a coincidence, because there are many fist-shaped bricks in the world. People who decided to ram into the trees also somehow got beaten up, which is strange, because trees don't have hands...or...do they?
Other people decided to put their faces in the fumes from the Puff Puff Machine in the north-east of the fields, and this was another reason leading to the closure. We were informed that they had heard somewhere doing so would make them look "ten years younger", which is rather bizzare. They probably misread the word "older" as "younger" (and "ten" as "fifty"). An old man told us "The Puff Puff Machine has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!" The fumes had also been damaging to the environment.
In the place of Flower Fields will stand a factory that makes those blocks that keep up cropping up everywhere, and, for some reason, float. The smoke rising from the factory will be "slightly" damaging to the environment, but, luckily, only make anyone dumb enough to put their face in it look fourty-nine years older. The spikes that cover the factory will not sharp enough to instantly give you a Game Over. Hold on...we've just got news...there was a leaflet that told people to do all kinds of harmful things in Flower Fields...if you see this brochure, inform the police immediately, and don't pick it up, whatever you do! Thank you for listening!
Hahaha… so this here's our home page, is it? Well to anyone who actually found us here, let me first tell ya that the pamphlet over there? Hahaha, 'bout as useful as the leaves on my back, that waste of good trees is. I mean look at it, it's like it was designed inside an hour on GIMP from someone with roughly fifteen minutes worth of experience to go on, and that writing? It's atrocious, if I may be so blunt, like someone genuinely thought he was “cool” and that he had enough charisma to sell a baked bean. Rather lacklustre, I would say. Full of half-truths and outright fabrications, so don't even bother reading it; let me give you all the proper information. I mean, would I bend the truth at all? …heh heh heh.
Now here's the entire real story behind Flower Fields …Bahahaha. Flower Fields was founded in August 11, 2000 as a means to give terrified flower denizens a place to hide away from crazy harvesters and Poochy the great canine god himself. Left to establish a new government from scratch, the four Flora families feuded over power, culminating in the Fire family staging a war against the other three by threatening to napalm the entire land. The joint efforts of the Wisterwood, Bub-ulb and Cumulus families overpowered them and banished them to the outside lands, where they to this day are terrorized by crazed moustachioed plumbers trying to get a quick fix. Favour fell on the Wisterwood family for their “we have the biggest roots, so suck it” policy, and established a completely benevolent democracy where the populace are expected to behave and stay in one spot for easy inspection and extortion. Each new inheritor to the Wisterwood household is born with a severe throat infection that allows evil red-clad beings to cross over into the region from the outside world, although the glorious Cumulus family ensure he can't take three steps without hurting his foot! That is the absolute truth! …Hahahaha!
You don't want to see any Sun Tower or pond. That's boring stuff, you can see that anywhere else you go. No, you want to see the real sights, like the Enigmatic Well to the east which features flora and atmosphere like nowhere else in the region, and of course the wonderful well itself which houses one of the region’s cheeriest, loveliest residents. Throwing a red or yellow berry in there, that'll make him happy; heck, why don't you jump in there as a neat trick? It'll give him some nice entertainment, and I'm sure he'll give you something nice for the trip down there. And if you can, definitely piledrive down there; he'll really be impressed by that! Ha... bahaha! Or how about the Puff Puff Machine to the northeast? The fumes from that thing are rumoured to sooth the skin and make you look ten years younger, and touching the machine transfers the energy of the Gods into your very nerves; staying there for more than a few hours will certainly provide you with the most relaxing, healthy experience of your life! Go on, you only have an underwhelming lifestyle to lose. And who needs accommodation when you have trees? In fact, why not ram into them to get the attention of the managers? All this is %100 safe and factual… heh heh heh.
So come visit now, while prices are at an all-time low! I swear on my petals that everything I have outlined is the complete truth. I'm not setting you up for pain or humiliation at all, no sirree, I'm totally clean on this! I mean, I never lie. Much. …heh heh heh. But who are you going to believe; an honest, hardworking joe like me, or some pseudo-celebrity poser that thinks his spinies are bigger than everyone elses just because he travelled around with Mario that one time? Me, of course. Or you're stupid, is the long and the short of it all.
Make sure to take a Crystal Berry with you as a souvenir; they're free, after all!
Wow, it’s already March! Who knew? This is your host, Baby Mario Bloops, here to drag characters from your favorite universe and ordeal them in a less-than-but-also-more-than-comical intrusion! Without further ado, let’s bring forth our latest interviewee Fly Guy! Let’s begin.
BMB: Welcome Fly Guy!
Fly Guy: …
Fly Guy: Haven’t you interviewed me like three times now?
BMB: Huh? Oh, no! I interviewed Shy Guy twice, but you’re not a Shy Guy.
Fly Guy: Technically I am, just with the ability to fly.
BMB: Well, I don’t care, you have “fly” instead of “guy” in your name, so that matters.
Fly Guy: No it doesn’t-
BMB: Shush! Anyways, let’s begin. So, how are you able to fly?
Fly Guy: Are you blind?
BMB: No, and it’s still a valid question.
Fly Guy: Ugh, this is going to be a long half hour.
BMB: Actually, I never timed one of my shows…
Fly Guy: Alright! My little propeller on my head allows me to fly! Are you happy now?
BMB: I’m never happy until I get as much scoop from characters as best as I can.
Fly Guy: …
BMB: Well, another question. How is that propeller…in you? Like, is it in the clothing, the mask…part of your skull?
Fly Guy: To be honest, I never really spent any time thinking about it. I think it is part of the fabric, though I can’t be sure.
Fly Guy: …And?
BMB: Oh, sorry, zoned out there for a second. Anyways, why do you work for Bowser?
Fly Guy: How in the world is your previous statement related to the one you just asked-never mind, I’ll just continue. Well…for one, he offers decent pay.
BMB: If I recall correctly, another one of Bowser’s minion told me that he had terrible pay.
Fly Guy: Well, he was probably at a Goomba ranking or was a Goomba, because I get great pay.
BMB: That would probably be the case, they are always stomped on by Mario. Speaking of which, how does the chart work?
Fly Guy: What chart? I wasn’t informed about this before I came here!
BMB: You also weren’t informed I am spontaneous. What I meant was the chart that states what level Bowser’s Minions are ranked. You know, from lowest position to highest position.
Fly Guy: Oh, you mean the ranks? Well, it’s very fuzzy, but all I know is that land creatures are usually below sea creatures, and they themselves are below the flying creatures.
BMB: So what you are saying is that you are the highest level?
Fly Guy: No. After flying creatures are the big creatures, then the mini-bosses, then the major foes, then the bosses, then the Final Boss. I would say that I’m on the higher end of the lower middle class.
BMB: Still confusing, but Goomba is still the lowest rank?
Fly Guy: Goomba, then Koopa Troopa, then the smart, non-falling-off-the-edge Koopa Troopas, and then it goes on from there.
BMB: Well…I think that basically wraps up this interview.
Fly Guy: What!? I thought you said you never timed yourself?
BMB: I didn’t, I just go by my formula: Annoyance of Fly Guy by the factor of how many questions I can think of.
Fly Guy: I’ll admit that you are annoying.
BMB: And with that, we will conclude our interview! She you all next month!
Fly Guy: “She you all next month”?
BMB: Darn it, you all knew by what I meant. Until next time, bye!
Fly Guy: I still think I’m considered a Shy Guy.
Hi everybody! Here’s your hostess, Chivi-chivik! And this is Cooking Guide, where we teach you how to cook excellent dishes!! So, let’s go!
They asked me for do something special for this issue, so this time...
I’ll be the COOK!! (SFX: Taaadaaaaaaaa!!!)
Me: I’m not bothering... eh... I mean... going to visit a cook, I’ll cook what I have in mind! So... today I’ll cook... eh... *Turning the pages of a recipe book quickly* A... Chivi-Supremo! It doesn’t appear in the recipe book... Okay, Let’s begin!
2: Why those ingredients?
Me: I’ll combine the Fire Burst and the Shooting Star first, for get a very damaging matter. Then I’ll Fusion all that with the Life Shroom FOR GET THE DEFINITIVE ITEM! MWAHAHAHA!!! *lying*
3: Beginning with that “matter” thing!:
Me: Get a pan and put inside the Burst and the Star, at high temerature. I recommend you to close the lid with some duct tape. You don’t know when it’s going to explode!
4: The Life Shroom!
Me: We have to put the Life Shroom in the oven at mid temperature for 30 minutes. Then wait. The Burst ans the Star will take that time too.
--After those minutes...—
Me: Let’s take the Shroom out from the oven, and give a look to the matter thing...
Me: The thing is ready. Now just take out the tape of the pan, and put, VERY FAST, the Shroom in the pan and close it again!
Me: *opens the pan slowly* Ehm... IT’S PERFECT! *Gets a pan and puts the meal on it* Voilà! Here’s the Chivi-Supremo!
6: Taste it, smartass!
Me: I hope this won’t kill me... *tastes* ...
stage-manager: Did you cook this accidentally?
Me: *to the manager* Shaddup!! ... Well, thanks for being here with me, and until next Cooking Guide!!
1- Put the Burst and the Star in a pan at high temperature. Close the lid with some duct tape.
2- Put the Shroom in the oven at mid temperature and wait 30 minutes.
3- Take the Shroom out and put it in the pan quickly. It will explode.
4- Put the dish on a plate.
Today, we explore a shop that has been known for its odd products. As we venture down Toad Road, we find a small candy store…or…stand, to be exact, run by none other than Candy Guy.
“Welcome to the Candy Shack where we sell nothin' but candy. You name it, we got it. “
|Definitely my best seller. For those of you who want that extra roll, this is the perfect candy for you. That star is so close, yet so far. Make it even closer, but still far with this beauty. Said to have flavor that lasts twice as long as those than ordinary candies.
|One of my weirder variety of candies. Apparently, these were a failed lab experiment at trying to make a candy that will give one ultimate strength. It does nothing but turn my clients into bouncy, rubber balls. I think I might discard this weird treat. Said to have a rubbery texture.
|This mysterious candy was discovered in an ancient tomb in Whomp's Fortress. It's rumored that these candies were used to transform their victims into stone statues to decorate the garden with, but it's only a rumor. Said to be hard to chew and has a grainy texture.
|This candy is said to be made with the remains of the Bullet Bills that fail to eliminate their targets. Bullet Candy transforms the consumer into a Bullet Bill themselves. Unfortunately, they can only perform kamikaze attacks… Said to taste a bit metallic.
|This candy is a personal favorite of the almighty king himself. It is rumored that this candy is made from…well… I would rather not get into detail about this. Recent complaints say that this candy does not work when it is used. It's odd, keep on hearing some information about a warped orbit or something like that. Said to taste a little spicy.
“Wait, a candy shop all the way out here? “
“Yeah, is there a problem? “
Nobody buys candy anymore. This is 2012. Are you still in 2007 or something?
“Wait…so you are telling me that no one uses candy in these new Mario Party games. You're telling me I wasted my life savings just to build this candy stand in hopes that Italian men and their friends can cheat their way to the top with sweets? “
“Uh…yeah, basically! “
“Well, it's no big deal! I just recently opened up a shop in Magma Mine. I heard that's a key place for sweet shops. Later. “
Good Evening, folks, and welcome to the Mushroom Kingdom Police Station. I am your chief, TravixMan, and Boy, I say, I am here to report several incidents over today.
1. Missing: Toadsworth
Toadsworth has been missing for several months. We believe Bowser had something to do with it. If you have further information, please contact us immediately.
2. Edible Emotions
Petey Piranha had recently stolen and eaten King Boo's Crown. King Boo ran over to get it back with his girlfriend, Booette, but the situation got worse. The Boo King's Best friend then grabbed Booette, and swallowed her whole. A Toad saw the situation, and contacted HQ. The Police came to the scene and took the large Piranha Plant away.
Petey is now behind bars, and is waiting for a trial. The Crown and Booette have been safely returned, but King Boo's mixed emotions will never cease. Will they remain best friends, or will they become bitter enemies?
3. Car-Crashing Drunks
Wario, Waluigi, Mona, and Rosalina drove down to Wario Casino for a victory celebration in Wario and Waluigi's victory in a kart race. Wario, Waluigi, and Mona then drank Chuckola Cola, and gambled with Wiggler and Gooper Blooper, who are concerned about King Boo and Petey Piranha's friendship. Then when they went to the car, Rosalina, who was not drinking, asked Wario if she could drive. Wario then refused Rosalina's offer, and got in the driver's seat.
As they were driving in Mushroom City, the car began to sway, and many Toads screamed at them, telling them to stop. Wario, Waluigi, and Mona all started to laugh, thinking it was funny. However, while they were laughing, Rosalina yelled out, "Look out! WALL!!!" They all got out, with Waluigi slipping and injuring his leg. The Car then exploded on contact with the wall.
They are all in ToadTown's Hospital being treated on for burns and bruises. Wario must serve in Prison afterwards for driving drunk, Waluigi must stay after to be checked on his leg, and Mona and Rosalina will be released.
And that's the story of the events that occurred today. If anyone has questions, please contact "The Mushroom Police Squad". This has been the news on the Police Blotter.
I don’t have a super awesome witty intro, so y’all are just gonna have to deal with this. *puts on cool shades*
This batch of questions all comes from DP or Dippy or that Australian guy or whatever you wanna call him. Thanks, man. :]
"Who do you feel is the funniest user on the forums?"
This would have to be a toss-up between Smasher, Mason, MCD, or Quizmo.
"What are your thoughts on the Steam platform?"
Uh, I’m really jealous that my adding machine from 2002, er, computer can’t run it. Believe me, if it could, I’d be all over it.
"Which video game genres have you just been unable to get into?"
‘Realistic’ sports games bore me despite being a sports fan. I love NFL football, but I’m not to keen on Madden. Also FPS games that aren’t Metroid Prime or BioShock. I don’t think that they’re bad by any stretch of the imagination. They just don’t appeal to me.
"What is your favourite advertisement? (please include link if possible)"
"Aside from your own section, which is your favourite section of the 'Shroom?"
I honestly like your reviews. Also the “Should Have Been” section is p.cool too.
"What is your favourite internet meme?"
Guile’s Theme goes with EVERYTHING. Totally.
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Seventeen. [/south park joke]
"You're a big fan of Retsupurae (but then, who isn't?), but which of Slowbeef and Diabetus' videos/video series is your least favourite?"
That’s tough. There was a multi-part series where a LPer going by the name of “BurningHunter” was doing a Let’s Play of Mega Man X, one of my favorite games of the 16-bit era. The riffing on it was excellent (as it usually is), but what makes me not like it is the fact that BurningHunter was so terrible at the game that it was actually making me angry. He also wound up using a cheat the game gives you to beat the boss at the end of the first fortress stage and then acts all proud of himself which made it worse.
Dead to Rights.