The 'Shroom:Issue 129/Fake News
Hey everyone, welcome back to the Fake News! I'm MCD, and wow! It's Christmas again! Who saw that one coming?
So, 2017's over. Finished. And what a year it's been! What was your favourite thing that happened this year? I'm willing to bet it's this edition of the Fake News - which means either this is a really great edition of the Fake News, or it's been a really bad year!
In 2017, the Nintendo Switch was released, which means we're giving the Wii U a final send off - a "", if you will. This issue is our "Wii U-logy". I'll think of a third one later.
I was bought my Wii U in 2014, as a large surprise for a very mild achievement. I bought it to university with me for one term and then carried it home through a storm. It is still at home. Farewell, old friend.
In all seriousness, hope you've had a good 2017. Have a great Christmas and a happy new year!
Section of the Month
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH
Greetings, viewers, welcome to MKBC6, where we provide weather reports for your life.
Days are growing cooler as Toad Town is celebrating Winter Festival. Tree lighting will be happening all over town, and Princess Peach will be throwing a winter tea party for all residents on Wednesday afternoon. Invitations not needed.
Planning a vacation to Donkey Kong Island to help DK celebrate his birthday? Here's your forecast for the week.
Clapper the Seal
PETA will be throwing their toys out the pram for the umpteenth time this month as Clapper the Seal unfortunately died. No, he wasn't hunted for his fur by Mario to turn into some aquatic creature, although the penguin population does seem to be dwindling a little bit, he was instead clubbed to death by Diddy and Dixie Kong. Well, I say clubbed, it was more jumped on.
His ability to change the chemical composition of water
see, I can use chemicaly words was exploited by both of the Kongs, and eventually his body could no longer take the punishment, and he sadly passed away.
The two Kongs defended their actions, telling me that they were on a "mission
from God" to save their friend Donkey Kong, but neither me, nor the police, were listening and the two have been taken to Monkey Prison. Meanwhile, King K. Rool took a more conciliatory approach. "It is such a shame that this poor seal has passed, he would have made a great lieutenant in my army. I told you those Kongs were bad news, that's why I stole their bananas. Now, they've stolen a life."
Many seals are expected to be at the funeral, which will be held in the New Years. The only issue is, they need to find the body. I some chap in red go in, and walk out looking like a seal, but it couldn't have been him. Oh well, hey did you hear? They just announced a new power-up for the next Mario game, apparently it's Seal Mario.
Hello, my fellow members of the Mushroom Kingdom! It's me, Arch, here to bring you another edition of travel guide!
Today we would be visiting somewhere, but I bet you forgot that I’m on trial! So, I hope you like courtrooms, because we’re going to visit the famous District Courtroom in Los Angeles, Japanifornia! And you probably thought I was going to do something christmas-y, didn’t you?
Of course, I went to Japanifornia because their legal system is more messed up than anywhere else’s, and is very easy to exploit and manipulate. And I hired the master of defense himself for my attorney: Phoenix Wri-
Oh, excuse me, I have to take this call.
WRIGHT: Hey, Arch, I can’t make it, I have to go defend another client who’s closer to me, so I’m sending someone else to defend you.
ARCH: Uh… okay. Who-who are you sending?
WRIGHT: He’s a close friend of mine, but he’s pretty new. I’ll let who he is be a surprise.
ARCH: Wait, who else are you defending, anyways?
WRIGHT: My friend from high school, you probably wouldn’t know him, but he goes by Krombopulos Michael. He was in an assassination stint with someone who decided to stay anonymous.
ARCH: WAIT, I KNOW HI-
WRIGHT: Well, I gotta go, trial’s starting see ya!
ARCH: DON’T HANG U-
Well, my lawyer just bailed on me, and I’ve got an hour to go until my trial so let’s check out what they have to eat at the district court.
And, this little man is blocking my way. Luckily, since I was classified as a rook in my last chess championship game, I can move in any direction that isn’t diagonal.
Honestly, that guy was yelling so loudly at this poor ghost that you might think he reviewed shops or something. Anyways, for some of these bad bois:
You can get one of these bad bois:
Unless you’re me, because then you’re completely broke. Hitmen aren’t exactly cheap. Fortunately for me, there are public drinking fountains here, but they are not of the best quality. Anyways, let’s head back to the courtroo- What’s that smell.
LARRY: HEY ARCH! GUESS WHO NICK HIRED!
OH GOD NO.
For a short history on who this person is, I went to highschool with him. He’s a 10th grade dropout. And when something smells, it’s usually him. His name is… Larry Butz, and I assume that he is my new attorney. Crud.
ARCH: H-hey, Larry! Uh, what do you mean, “Guess who Nick hired”, heh?
LARRY: Well, I recently passed the bar exam, and this is going to be my first case! I’m promise I won’t let you down!
ARCH: Heh-heh, yeah, okay… Good luck, also PLEASE GET LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE.
A-and now it’s time to return to the courtroom. Well, dear reader, I guess it’s time for me to meet my demise. Let’s see who he’s up again-
WINSTON: Hello, Butz, I’m sure you remember me, as the prosecutor from your trial who brutally lost to Phoenix on multiple occasions, but I assure you I will prevail this time!
Well, at least the prosecution is equally horrible.
BAILIFF: WITNESSES ARE NOT ALLOWED INSIDE THE COURTROOM, WAIT OUTSIDE WITH THE OTHER WITNESS.
ARCH: That rule is completely arbitrary, but fine. I guess I will wait outside with the other witnesses.
Honestly, the rules in this courtroom are extremely strange. Why are you allowed to have bean coffee, but not hot chocolate? Why is the defendant considered a witness? Anyways, for some reason, this case only has one other witness: Bowser’s Royal Advisor, who was by him at the crime, Kamek. And he seems pretty upset. I’m going to talk to him.
ARCH: Hey, Kamek! What’s wrong?
KAMEK: What do you think? My adopted son is dead and it was all your fault!
ARCH: There’s no way for you to prove that! Well, other than the contract I signed, last week’s travel guide which is basically a written confession, Krombo the Bombo (I’m still calling him that)’s affidavit, the fingerprints on the walkie talkie, the walkie talkie call history- Oh, never mind. I guess you can prove it.
KAMEK: Yeah, you’re going to prison, man, and my testimony’s going to prove it.
BAILIFF: KAMEK! YOU NEED TO BE CALLED IN FOR QUESTIONING!
ARCH: Good luck, also can you record it for me?
ARCH: It would be good if the travel guide readers could see your testimony.
KAMEK: Okay, fine.
ARCH: That was the whole testimony. Really. Wow. The evidence against me is so strong, though, that I’m probably still going to lose.
And, I was called back in the courtroom for a brief period of time:
Just to hear the Judge yell:
Well, I hope you all like jail, because that’s probably where I’m going to be for the next few years! I’m just going to attempt to esca-
(Side Note: Why am I getting interrupted so often?)
KROMBO: Okay, Arch, I’m going to get you out of jail very easily.
ARCH: Look, assassinating people doesn’t really work more than once.
KROMBO: NO! Remember that ring you got in Jewelry Land?
ARCH: The weird glowy thing?
KROMBO: Yes. That’s actually a very important ring. Look; I’ll just give it to you right now.
KROMBO: I swiped it back from the police while they weren’t looking. By the way, through hostages, I got acquitted. This assassin’s gonna kill again.
ARCH: Yeah, okay, but what makes this ring so important?
KROMBO: You’ll see when you put it on. Well, until next time, adios, mi amigo!
ARCH: Wait, Kromb-
Aaaand he’s gone. Well, now I’m going to jail. Now, if I had to review the Courthouse of Japanifornia, I would have to say it was… alright. I didn’t get to do a lot of sightseeing, but from what I saw (Angry Shop Scouts and Beany Bois), it was pretty fine. Decent place for people who are on trial, at least. Goodbye, dear reader, and I hope you will be ready for the next travel guide in like… A really long time!
(A month, tops.)
Written by: Koops
Hello, 'Shroom readers! Come closer, as I, the one, the only, clumsy but bold Koops ventures throughout the Marioverse to give you pieces of advice on whether or not you should visit some random location that I find corresponding to the next big event of the year- Christmas.
You know, as I’m writing this, it’s Monday the 18th of December, and just yesterday I watched Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi -You know, that amazing movie from Lucasfilms that came out on the big screens earlier this month?- And once me and my family came out of the projection room I was like "Hey we’re only one week away from Christmas eve!"
Well, here’s what I was saying...
And here is what was going on in my head at the same time.
So you get it... It was kinda lazy of me to leave the writing until now, but hey at least I’m doing it. And since this Issue comes out on Christmas, I thought it would be pretty nice to go to some snowy location. And I can properly show you around said location this time since as far as I know, I won’t be having anyone following me around who takes every single boring moment to tell people their life stories. But about that, remember what I told you to do if you were stuck in the Underwhere? Well it turns out Jaydes’ phone was not an outdated one, in fact she has an IPhone X, and has Wifi, and reads the 'Shroom, and specifically my sections, and since then I have been receiving death letters and texts, but I have been pretending I was gone for lunch, or fishing, or out with my friends doing something... I gotta find more excuses if I want to keep up though.
So anyway, I better not make you worry about things like that, and not keep you in suspense, I’m gonna tell you what snowy location we’re gonna visit this month... Snowball park! Oh... you already saw that in the summary for this page? Well, anyway... SNOWBALL PARK!
Yeah, I know it’s a Super Mario 3D World level that doesn’t mean much to people... but what if I told you there was more to it than what it looks like? Yeah, I mean Super Mario 3D World was a game, but the game developers reduced the size of the park to make it look like a linear level. And I bet you’ve never been there because of that, so why not go there?
So yeah first of all, before you go there unprepared and bombard me with hate comments that say "God damn it Koops! Why didn’t you tell us the weather was cold?" Well let me tell you that the name Snowball Park doesn’t exactly sound warm to me. Plus I just told you it would be cold, so be sure to bring jackets, beanies and whatever you have against cold weather. You’ve been warned! Or should I say warmed? Ok don’t give me that look, I know I’m not funny!
So starting off... Once you get to snowball park you gotta watch out for Snow Pokey or Ty-foo or any dangerous creature roaming around waiting to get their hands on an unlucky adventurer and delight their stomachs with the guts and intestinal tubes of their horrified victims and keep their heads as trophies. Also maybe there are bugs... gotta pay attention to those too... bugs are scary. So yeah, with that out of the way, we can enjoy our spot!And what’s in there you ask? Well, you can’t expect it to be a park without a lake! And lake + winter equals ice rink! You can skate on the ice! However, it seems that primarily Goombas skate here, because the ice skate(s?) they gave me w(ere?)as not so nicely proportioned. Plus, the guy told me they didn’t really have any skates left so they gave me something close to an ice skate, and let me tell you, I don’t think it would’ve worked well. Thankfully that’s not my problem because I myself don’t skate.
But what I do know how to do is ski. And I went to the park a few times before writing this, and skiing there was great! At least for 5 seconds, Because after that the slope became so steep I literally fell through the air. But the good thing is, that also lasts 5 seconds, and after that it’s just a normal ski track until you reach the end. And this lasts 40 seconds, so you’ll have fun. Maybe if they tweak the beginning a little it would come out better. Or that’s what I can say about the track I went in, because there were longer ones, but I honestly didn’t have the courage. I just couldn’t!
But there’s not just that, there are other things going on as well. I mean, we’re almost Christmas! Of course there was gonna be some decoration! There’s this giant Christmas tree here, but I think I’ve seen some like it. But a cool and cute addition to the scene. There are also lights everywhere, and there’s an orchestra playing music while a choir of Amazee Dayzees are singing, but seeing they’re Amazee Dayzees means you better cover your ears in case one of them blows up a false note, because I do know there was a murder mystery last year here, but it turned out the singing just exploded the victim’s ears, and the bad thing was, this guy’s ears were kinda big... that’s pretty sad, but at least his family was kept away from such singing in fear that they would cause an atomic explosion if they were to blow up next to each other.
Anyway, aside from the very safe entertainment we got here, there are still other activities to do. At this time of the year, or pretty much, any other time of the year, a fair is installed. I know I judge myself a little bit old for such things, but well, I had a go at it, and I did know why there were so many kids playing games here. The games themselves are not really great, but the prizes are why people come here. I mean, they give out pretty much anything you’d want for Christmas! And that, my friends, is cool! No objections!
Now we were talking about this kind of stuff that happens normally anytime, but we haven’t talked about the night yet! At night, a plethora of new things to do opens up! First of all, you got to see the boreal auroras in this place, just beautiful. Well, not as beautiful as the view on Toad City you can get from Rainbow Road, which by the way brings back some bad memories, but still a must-see. The scenery is even better at night, because light needs darkness to truly shine. It’s at night that the decoration really stands out.
At night, you even can dine indoors or outdoors -your call- because in every December evening, a buffet is set in place, and just fill your plate with a piece of everything. You just made yourself dinner. Although try not to overdo it, because too much food isn’t good in general. A prime example of this was a time where I ate so many pizza slices... okay so many pizzas I felt like I wasn’t going to last the week, but then again, that happened a long time ago, so I can’t fill you with all the details. But if you’re gonna overdo it anyway, I can’t stop you, because I know how hard it is to watch things get eaten in front of your very own eyes, so...
And, lastly, at Christmas, here in Snowball Park, a secret Santa event is held here, and you are given a week to come back with a present to the person whose name has been given to you. But I’m telling you, don’t play it, because there exists some hypocrite who gifted me last year something not so pleasant, so if you don’t like that kind of risk, then don’t sign up for this secret Santa event.
Well, this has been Koops from Travel Guide, signing out!
Wait a second, I don’t usually end my sections like that! I mean I say something like "until then, peace!" Yeah! That’s right! It’s not over yet! I mean, it’s a Christmas issue! There’s gotta be some wacky and weird Christmassy adventure! Ok, that’s probably what you want now, but after what I had to deal with last issue, I don’t think I can make anything great, but I’ll give it a try I guess. You know what I’ll do? Imma tell you what Imma gonna do! I’m gonna visit Santa Claus and ask him for what will happen to me at Christmas! That’s what Imma gonna do now!
What? You think I’m crazy? You think there’s no such thing as Santa Claus? Think again! Last Christmas, I put a tracking device on my gift to him, because I gave him something, and so, if Santa still has that gift I gave him, I can know its exact location! And if all of this worked, then he’s right here in Snowball Park, because that’s what I’m detecting! Just gotta look for his hideout now!
Narrator: "And so Brave Koops set off to find the believed in but possibly non existent Santa Claus of legend. Some say he’s real. Some say he’s not. Some say he was their tutor in life. And the rest don’t care. But despite these myths, the location of Santa is still unknown to all kinds of intelligent life. However, Brave Koops has managed to track what was supposedly Santa and is heading, if he’s not mistaken like usual, to Santa’s hideout. But many traps and monsters roam ahead. Many trials await to be overcome. May Brave Koops discover the truth about his Christmas, or will he discover what the inside of a yeti’s stomach looks like? So many questions, yet so few answers. No answers even. With no hesitation, Brave Koops stepped out from his comfy bed, an achievement none dare to make, and kicks the door to send it flying on the choir of Amazee Dayzees. He knew it would save many lives... and eardrums... The flying door set in motion a chain reaction that lead to make the Christmas tree fall down on some fireworks, triggering an immense explosion just behind Brave Koops, but he didn’t care. He kept walking, the wind, blowing through his hair, was itself mesmerized by Brave Koops’ handsomeness. He didn’t look back at the glorious fire emerging from the stage located behind him. Wherever he went, Brave Koops attracted the attention of millions of eyes.
He had finally arrived, at last! Santa’s lair! Everyone knows Santa’s a great guy, but the traps set in his lair show how much he cares about his privacy. But again, Brave Koops walked up to the door, kicked it like he did with the first one, but... ouch... it was a metallic door. Brave Koops was upset and in pain, but his growing anger and urge to find Santa made him forget about his pain and he dived head-first into the door... nothing happened. But then, Brave Koops managed to open the door with his bare fingers... using the door knob! Who would’ve thought that such a dreamy person would get even smarter? Careless of what was ahead of him, Brave Koops set foot in Santa’s lair. He knew it was unsafe, but it was too late to back out now! The door closes right behind him and locks! What a d*ck! But Brave Koops didn’t care anyway, he never noticed the door closing...
With each trap getting deadlier and deadlier, each beast harder to tame than the other, and each staircase longer and more boring than the last one, Koops never gave up, and after many hours... I mean minutes Brave Koops finally enters the boss door."
Ok! Ok! Cut the overdramatic Narrator! Santa’s right behind this door over here! All I need to do is open it! And that’s no hard task as I managed to open a metallic one with my bare fingers!
... Yeah ok I’ll admit that made me look way more efficient than I already am, but blame my pretentiousness. And yes, I did notice the door close behind me, and I am willing to admit I was concerned about that. And there’s more, but I am just gonna go with the actual section here.
Anyway, now I’m in Santa’s room, and I see my present on the desk! It worked! I am where I wanted to be! But where’s Santa?
Santa: Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho! What seems to be the case? Why are you in my room?
-Oh Santa! It’s you! Tell me! I have come all the way here to Snowball Park just to see you! I wanna know what will happen to me at Christmas!
-Oh Koops! You silly boy! Of course you already know! You’re going to have a Merry Christmas!
-But what’s gonna happen exactly? Will I die? Will I get a girlfriend? Will I skip my entire school life with a diploma? Tell me!
-Oh you imbecile! You think I’m some some of fortune teller? No! Go back to your house! And thanks for the gift package I really appreciate it!
-I know, it’s empty right?
-Yes! A good reason to get you back home... my own way!
And it was at that moment Santa belly-gonged me and sent me flying back to my house, where I’ll be pursuing the making of this section by drawing rushed images. Anyway that does it for this issue, we got to see Santa, so until next month, peace, and Merry Christmas to all of you readers! And also Happy New Year, and I hope all your 2018s will be a year of achievements and success! Again, until next year, peace!
Also January is my birth month.
It's been a fierce contest, but we finally have a winner! Yes, Pauline is this year's Christmas number one with her single "Jump Up for Christmas"! Since its release a couple of weeks ago it's been climbing up the top 10, and at last has dethroned Diddy Kong from his three-week reign over the top spot. This is Pauline's second number one this year, following her huge hit "Jump Up, Super Star!".
Diddy has fallen not one but two places this week, also being overtaken by Melody Pianissima's "A Christmas Symphony". Pianissima's festive, piano-heavy ballad soared straight into the top five when it was released last week - however, as the Christmas season is nearing its end, it seems like the single's reached its peak.
The highest new entry this week is Rosalina's new single "Launching Through the Stars", featuring regular collaborators The Lumas. This is the second single from her upcoming album Tales of the Galaxy, which is expected to be released at the start of 2018. As a result of all the hype, her previous single "Comets", which stormed the charts last month and has been lingering in the top 40 ever since, has seen a resurgence.
Other new entries on the top 40 include Dyllis' "Recipe for Disaster", featuring longtime rival Saffron, and Yoshi's "It That Really You?", both of which I'm sure will climb up the charts in due course.
|MUSHROOM KINGDOM SINGLES CHART - TOP 40
|Jump Up for Christmas
|A Christmas Symphony
|Rocketbarrelling (Into Your Heart)
|Plumber's Lament - Pt. 3 (ft. Luigi)
|Rosalina ft. The Lumas
|Launching Through the Stars
|P-Switch All Stars
|Switch It Up!
|King K. Rool
|Goodbye K. Rool World
|Toad to Nowhere
|Dyllis ft. Saffron
|Recipe for Disaster
|Dry and the Bones
|There's a Ghost in My Ghost House
|Dazed and Paralysed
|Tiptron ft. Francis
|Who Am I? (Seriously, Guys?)
|Jump Up for Christmas
|Chuck & The Koopa Football Players
|Let's Kick Some Football
|The Brick Blocks
|Shiver Your Timbers
|Ludwig von Koopa
|Symphony No. 10
|Toad House Rock
|Don't Knock Me Back
|I Love Golden Coins (Like Always)
|It That Really You?
|The Zip T. Christmas EP
|Toad and the Toads ft. Toad
|Thorns in My Side
|As the Name Indicates
|The Bob-omb Boys
|Welcome (ft. Bibbangs)
|Hey, That's Luigi! (Show Him a Little Respect)
TV Tomorrow is back for the holiday season because after all, what’s Christmas without quality Christmas television? If you have been keeping up with the Mushroom Kingdom programming while I haven’t been discussing it, which is every day except tomorrow, then you’ll have noticed some particularly festive shows, but tomorrow has some especially Christmassy TV. So here are the top three!
Kart Racing Live, 8pm
A wintry tradition is the bi-annual Baby Races, where several babies are the ones behind the wheel on a drive through the icy Sherbet Land. This year, Baby Rosalina is poised to take the crown as she did last year, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other babies hoping to overtake her this time. Mario Kart - it’s fun all year round, really.
Mr Blizzard’s Christmas Dance-Off
Party Channel, 9.30pm
Genre: Dancing contest
Ever since he won the Mushroom Kingdom Ultimate Dance Contest ten years ago, Mr Blizzard just keeps coming back to boogie, and tomorrow he releases the Christmas special of Mr Blizzard’s Dance-Off! For Christmas this year, he’s taking six celebrities through the motions of a special Christmas jive and seeing how well they perform. Who will star? Who will stumble? Find out tomorrow!
The Christmas Kingdom
Genre: Christmas film
Mario stars as usual in this stellar film about the mysteries of Christmas and its true meaning. Young adventurer Mario inadvertently stumbles across the Christmas Kingdom, whose icy inhabitants are in charge of ensuring that Christmas comes each year - but they’re getting more and more disgruntled with their job, and soon Christmas might disappear forever... A marvellous film, although its two sequels are utterly awful.
That’s all for the TV on tomorrow, and so I, Quizmelon from TV Tomorrow, shall wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. May your Christmas only contain top-quality television from whatever region of the world. See you in 2018! Merry Christmas!
And that's it for 2017! I've got a big move planned in February so you guys might not see me here for a WHILE, but be sure to keep sending in questions! Thanks to MeerkatMario (talk) (Forum profile) and Meta Knight (talk) (Forum profile) for sending in questions! If you seek my flawless advice, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page! If you would like for there to be a doodle with the response to your question, feel free to request so and I'll see what I can do.
|The 'Shroom: Issue 129
|Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • End-of-the-Year Awards • Director Election
|Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing
|Spla-tune in for Splatoon • The 'Shroom Holiday Scavenger