Written by: Koohitsu
This is Koohitsu, once more with another monthly inquisition. Today my guest is a little green man, and he smells like a basket of laundry that has been sitting out in the rain for too long. Former lackey to an evil witch, shopkeeper, and evil master...uhh...mind?
I HAVE THE FLOOR!
Yes. Mr. Fawf–
I HAVE THE FLOOR!
THE FLOOR! It is beneath my feet. The feet that are the sausage upon the breading of this stale interview sandwich that I enrich by being me!
I didn't quite catch that. Are you asking for food or someth–
FOOLISH TURTLE HAG! I waste my crumbs of information giving to a fink-rat that has the ears that lack the readiness of hearing of deliciousness in what I say!
Well, if you would actually make sense, maybe the interview would be more entertaini–
I HAVE DISDAIN! For you and your words that make a foul question soup for me to eat! Your brew has emptiness like the bowl that surrounds it! I braved the tablecloth without pattern and my eyes have dread when I gaze upon the nothingness that is the boring emptiness that is your home. And here is Fawful with his heart that has the readiness of talk. But you rather fill up on the bread that is confusion than to feast on the wisdom that is smartness inside my head!
I'm beginning to think this was an awful idea.
I have thinking that this was a FAWFUL idea!
Ok, that's it. We are done, and you are out!
This had to be the worst idea for a guest I ever had, and I interviewed a big rock before.
But luckily, I have another guest. My first question to him: Do you speak English?
What kind of inane question is that!?!
Okay, great! Let me just put the title card here and pretend this never happened.
Please tell us about yourself, sir.
Very well. I am Kamek, master koopa wizard and chief adviser to his haughtiness Prin–... KING Bowser himself. And you should really know this already! Didn't you pay attention in school?
Social studies was never my strong suit. Plus, you never really stood out to me.
Well, there's so many Magikoopas out there with blue robes. If you're such a big cheese, why do you dress exactly like everyone else? Shouldn't you look more distinct?
Ignoring the unfathomable rudeness of your insinuation, I do actually agree with you there. I really do look like everyone else, and it is bothering me.
So why not change things up a little? Get some new colors or something!
I did try to do that once. I traded my dull blue robes in for something more stylish. Something in hot pink that accentuated my assets, both magical and otherwise. But it did not last.
King Bowser made me take it off. He said he didn't like the way I was "shaking my booty" at him. It's a shame, really. I rocked that dress.
ROBE! I meant robe! As in a wizard's robe. For wizards.
Right. So King Bowser didn't like it? What's the relationship between the two of you?
Oh, well... Our relationship goes back very far. I knew him when he was just a young prince. Not all of our memories are happy, mind you, but I think overall the hardships, the difficulties, and the drinking problem I developed because of them... it was worth it in the end.
What would be the fondest memory you two have together?
Oh, that's a hard decision. I remember I helped the young prince with his first evil plan. Taking over that Yoshi Island... it was a very magical experience, even though our castle got wrecked in the end. And of course there was the time when Prince Bowser finally did not need diapers anymore. You could have searched kingdoms far and wide that day and you would not have found a prouder fourteen-year-old than him.
Well, the prince was always a little slow in his development.
Right. So would you see your role as that of King Bowser's surrogate father?
There is nothing "surrogate" about it. I was there and I raised him, so I am his father.
What about his biological parents?
We do not speak of them.
All right, moving on then. You told us a lot about your past just now.
I would show you baby photos, but his bashfulness burned them all because I kept showing them to people.
What is your present life like?
Well, being chief adviser to a fully grown evil tyrant is a surprisingly demanding job.
Actually, that doesn't sound that surprising to me.
What do you do as chief adviser?
You see, I ADVISE the acting regent in his various political duties. I assume English class wasn't your strongest subject either. The king is not all too interested in politics though, and spends most of his days being neck-deep in some sort of evil scheme. I help him with that too. Or at least I try.
Well, his stubbornness can be rather... difficult... to advise, if you will. For example, there was that one time he took over Princess Peach's castle and stole its Power Stars. When he built his fancy battle arenas, I warned him not to put bombs all around it. But he insisted because they were "spiky and awesome-looking". When I informed him that they provide him with no significant advantage and that Mario would potentially be able to fling him into them, he pouted and told me "Gosh, you just don't get it, dad!" So the bombs stayed, and you know how THAT ended (assuming you didn't flunk history class too).
That sounds like a taxing job (and I regret nothing because history is boring).
It is very exhausting, yes. Nowadays I know there is no changing his mind though. So whenever the king approaches me and tells me of his grand plan of fighting Mario while inside a melting sun, I just smile and nod. And then I pay the price when he comes home battered and broken, and I have to nurse him back to health.
What do you do when not on the job? Do you have any hobbies?
There is not really a "not on the job". My position is a full-time task, seven days a week, twenty-five hours a day.
A day only has twenty-four hours though. I was good enough at math to know THAT!
Congratulations. Have a gold star for good effort.
There is just no pleasing you, is there?
Failing to recognize facetious hyperbole warrants neither recognition nor appreciation. What I was trying to tell you is that my job is very demanding and having just twenty-four hours per day is not enough to do everything I need to do to keep the castle from falling apart. I don't even have time to visit the royal barber.
You have hair???
Of course I have hair you nincompoop! You have hair, so why wouldn't I have hair?
How would anybody know? You always wear that silly hat.
That hat is not silly, it is a blessing. How do you think it feels to lack the time to have your hair cut properly? I haven't gotten a haircut in decades! I just stuff it all under the hat so nobody notices.
That sounds absurd.
It is not absurd, it is efficient! What's absurd is your lack of appreciation for my time management skills.
Very well, in that case let's wrap up this interview. I have just one question left.
Well, spit it out.
Will you show us your hair?
It's been a long time and I don't know what will happen if I take this hat off. I would rather not risk it.
You can't just tell us you secretly have hair and then not show us. I may have flunked social studies and history, but I know what manners are, and if you won't show us, I'll have to give you an F in etiquette.
...fine then. You have inflicted this fate upon yourself!
Editor's note: The interview cuts off here.