Written by:  Koohitsu
This is Koohitsu, here for the 'Shroom after it's been... a while. With me is a man who needs no introduction. Actually, he probably needs one but I cannot for the life of me think of one because he is kind of bland. Royal attendant, veggie-chucker, spacefarer, and most recently, treasure tracker: Captain Toad!
 Heyo!
Captain Toad, please tell us a bit about yourself.
Well uhhh... I am Captain Toad, and I'm a... Toad. Sounds about right.
Does it ever get confusing to be named the same as your species?
Yes, all the time! Especially back in elementary school. Role call is a pain when you're in a class with 28 other people also called Toad. You hear the same name over and over, again and again. Then it's done, it turns out there's one extra person, and everyone panics. But then you realize the teacher is also called Toad and accidentally counted himself too.
Wow, that's dumb.
One time I was shaken down by the local bully, Toad. But then halfway through we forgot which Toad was who, so he gave me his wallet and ran away crying. Then he came back dressed like his mom and demanded "Toad must be punished!", so our principal, Mr. Toad, was put in detention.
That sounds... really stupid.
Pretty much. My whole childhood was so annoying and confusing. That's why one day I had this great idea to strap a flashlight to my head. BAM! Now I'm CAPTAIN Toad! Totally distinct!
Oh, is that where that name comes from? I thought maybe you were in the navy or something.
I was for a while, actually.
It didn't work out though.
I can't imagine why.
So anyway, Mr. Toad--
CAPTAIN Toad!
Right. So anyway, Cutpain Toast, let us talk about your new game.
Whohee!!!
What exactly is it about?
Well, it's this super fantastic and fun exploration game with Toadette and me, where we walk around on freely rotatable stages that look like beautifully crafted sculptures and look for treasure that is there for some inexplicable reason. Then a giant bird comes and snatches it away and we both get kidnapped a bunch of times.
Do you ever feel like you got shafted, getting some random bird for an antagonist while everyone else gets more iconic villains for their games?
Not at all! Birds are scary, man. Didn't you ever see the Alfred Hitchcock movie?
So does that mean in your game while you explore the levels you might happen across the horrifyingly disfigured remains of Toads who fell victim to Wingo's wrath?
Wow, I hope not! But to be serious, I think she only really likes taking shiny stuff.
Then how come she kidnaps you?
Probably because of my radiant personality!
Riiiight. So anyway, all this getting kidnapped and harassed by birds sounds like a piece of work. Yet you keep going at it. What got you into the treasure tracking business in the first place?
Well, that's an interesting story, actually. You see, I have this huge secret. I kind of... really admire Mario.
How is that a secret?
What do you mean?
Well, if your entire species is known for two things, they are pretty much "panicking at the slightest hint of danger and sometimes just for the heck of it" and "blind adoration for Mario".
That's a hurtful generalization and I resent it!
It's not really a generalization if like 95% of your people really are like that.
Well, at least I don't walk off cliffs!
Hey, that's WALKED off cliffs, past tense, ok? I don't do that anymore since my grandparents had the railings install-- WAIT THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME OK?!?
BACK ON TOPIC! Why did you become a treasure tracker?
Well, ok, so I really like Mario, but he never really notices me. I mean he DOES notice me whenever I need rescue, like when I get stuck in a tree, or there's a scary spider on the toilet seat. My voice is kind of hard to tune out. But he never noticed me as a person. That's why I thought: If I go on my own adventure, we would be equals and become friends.
How did that go for you?
Not that great, to be honest. I heave this very heavy backpack around with me wherever I go, and it means I can't jump. Turns out that in a world where jumping is a skill that can literally be a secure career path, not being able to doesn't really get you taken seriously.
So I take it Mario didn't actually notice you after all?
Oh, he did. Just not in the way I was hoping. He actually laughed at me, said my "so-a called game-a" is a joke, and he called me a "teeny-a-weeny-a glue-shoe". Then he gave me a swirly, took my pants, and put them into a ?-block just barely over my head to mock me.
How did you handle such mockery from your personal hero?
Well... Let's just say you don't want to know what is in the backpack now.
Right. This seems like a good place to wrap up this interview. Do you have anything else you want to tell us?
Yeah! Toadette is NOT a bald old man wearing a pink wig! Stop spreading that silly rumor, people!
| 
