The 'Shroom:Issue VII/Fake News
Poll of the Month
Who is the Ugliest Mario Series Character?
Characters in Super Mario Galaxy
Rogue Port Black Market
Recently discovered by our spies (we have spies don’t tell anyone) that Mario and Charlieton have made some suspicious deals, one of which is Charlieton selling Mario Wario’s clothing. A few weeks back Wario reported stolen clothes; these clothes are so hideous they’ve been banned. Now we asked ourselves why he would want to steal such hideous clothes. We would soon find out. We approached Charlieton and made a deal with him he’d be cleared of the Black Market selling if he’d help us. We gave him a pair of fancy clothing worn by Luigi. We set him up. We caught the suspect, Mario. Soon after Mario stated he was giving the clothes to the poor and was cleared of the charges. Now we have to deal with Luigi, hows mad at us for taking his clothes, till next time.
Today a couple of bandits robbed a local cheese store, these bandits have been confirmed as Plumber, YellowYoshi398, PLDS, and their leader HK-47. They were rounded up by the local police forces in the area, these few have been notified as Phoenix Rider, Super Luigi 821, and Wayoshi. The three attempted to rob a Convenient store named “Cheese R US” luckily they were all captured and dragged off to prison. After the crime we interviewed several people including security guard WarioLoaf.
WarioLoaf: Well the culprits knocked me unconscious, using a BRICK WALL!
After talking with the hefty security guards we spoke with a few of the criminals.
PLDS: WarioLoaf is the worst security guard ever, first we set him up by inviting him to the donut shop after he stuffed his face with them he feel asleep and w00t right into the store.
YellowYoshi398: Well, I knew I should have robbed the Chili dog stand…
HK-47: I just said “Cheese” and then PLDS was like “Lets rob a store!” and then I was like “NO WAI!” and then..then…we robbed it anyway, LONG LIVE THE CHEESE!”
Before PLUMs was dragged away he shouted:
“You'll never shut down the cheese lovers. NEVER!”
Artist: The Cheap Cheeps Album: Pastastic
Interview of the Month
WARNING: I'm quite serious this time. Last issue, I saw a strange, tall 'stached guy step into my domains. Sir, you changing your clothes from red to green and carrying a Vacuum Cleaner will not, I repeat, will NOT change the fact I hate you. Do not try anything. I have hired guards this time. I'm serious. I can sue you and call lawyers and all that.
Welcome to Zess T.'s Cookin'! I'm Zess T., best chef in Rogueport, and this is our spectacular second issue! Woo! Due to the mass amount of positive comments received last time (my GMail inbox was full!), I have decided to make all of your mortal dreams true and feature what I was asked for. This particular e-mail caught my interest:
Dear Zess T.:
Hello, my love. The day our eyes met was a fantastic, romantic day indeed. The curves in your limbs, the perfectly round mushroom cap of yours, and that ever-so-clean white hair... Yum. Makes me want to-
What the...?! *cough* Hehehe... Uh.. must have have been a joke by some silly kid. I'm sorry (or not, hah!). This is the actual e-mail:
dear zess tee, chef deluxe:
hi im ur biggest fan! i wuv ur cooking ways and want to grow up 2 be just liek you!!! i was wondering if you could cook teh secret monty mole dish in teh next issue, cuz i have been wondering how 2 maek it for a while now. thnx in advance. toadbetty.
Spiffy, eh? Sure. So, since I'm so nice, I have decided to do what they have asked me! That's how nice I am. Remind your parents to buy Zess T. merchandise, and I'll keep preparing your favorite stuff. So, anyway... here's the ingredient list for the MONTY MOLE SPECIAL ~ZESS T. EDITION~:
Ingredients (4 people):
Note the items may be hard or costy to obtain, but Monty Moles enjoy the high life, so deal with it.
To start off, boil the pasta in a preferably French metal pot at untimed fire. Make you sure you bake the pasta every now and then so it doesn't overheat. Once the water begins to evaporate, throw in the salt with extreme care. What? That you have to include the salt as soon as you fill the pot with hot water? Nah, that's a myth. Don't believe that. Believe in Zess T. She's always right. Anyway, as the pasta boils, select a rather large table and leave both the Cleft Feces and the Mt. Rugged Rocks on its surface. As an additional tip, it is recommendable to have Hyper Cleft feces, as they have... well, an hyper taste. And they give you energy.
Anyway, use your imagination and form shapes with the feces and the rocks. I myself love making hearts and lips, because they highlight my feminity, which SOME losers say I lack (I'm looking at you, Don Pianta!). Once you think your shapes are perfect, your pasta should be ready. Turn off the fire and get rid of the water. Drinking it may be a good idea, especially in cold days. Don't worry, it tastes EXCELLENT. Once the water's gone and your pasta is alone in the pot, grab the packet of Super Sweet Awesome Zess T. Sauce (which is 30% off just this week!) and scatter the whole content into the pot, hopefully in different places. Mix well and you'll soon see the sauce work - the pasta will turn gray! It looks terrible, but it tastes fantastic. And we're not even done yet!
Boil the Blablanadon eggs until you can hear the baby Blablanadons inside screaming. Quickly throw your boiled eggs into the pasta and squish them against the pot's walls. Once again, mix well, and add salt if necessary. Go back to your artistic structures of Rocks and Feces and smell them. They should smell like... well, feces with rocks. If they don't, then wait a bit. Once they do, put the whole shapes into the oven at its maximum for around 15 minutes. If you don't know how to control your oven, then you might find your house burning uncontrollably. But, heh, that's only if you're the biggest fool ever (which you probably are...).
Next step is easy, if not extremely obvious. Take out your pieces of art and serve the pasta in separate dishes. Now position your art on the edges of the dish (North, South, East and West look especially nice) and cover them with the Keelhaul Key Blackberry Jam. The result should be outstanding. It will, for some scientific reason I'm not going to explain, freeze. Great! It is recommended for the pasta to be served warm, as it's neat to taste the cold feces and then the warm pasta. Or so say the Monty Moles.
Well, that's it. I have revealed to you, a simple mortal, the secret of the Monty Mole Special. The recipe which has been cooked by Monty Moles and that somehow keep them young forever, is now here for you to cook. The best occasion, undoubtly, is for when you go to one of those crazy Monty Mole discos with your friends - they might even let you in free for bringing something so delicious and delectable.
Oh, look at the time! It's late. I have a date with my dear Toads-- er, an appointment with the dentist, and I have to hurry out of here. Next month, we'll be offering something that will send your tongue to Paradise, and your teeth to... well, the other place. But really, it's worth eating, even if you die afterwards. If this time we took things to THE NEXT LEVEL, then next time we will take things TO THE NEXT NEXT LEVEL. Silly people like you probably don't understand this complicated terminology, but it basically means it'll be awesome.
Zess T. out! And bon appetite!
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