The 'Shroom:Issue 164/Fake News
November was always a boring month for me. It's right after Halloween and before Christmas, and as I'm Canadian Thanksgiving takes place in October. The trees' colourful leaves have mostly fallen by this point, and thus the month looks drab and depressing, as snow hasn't started falling in great amounts yet (though there was already the first snowfall a couple of days ago where I live, but the snow quickly melted). Similarly, while last month had some spooky theming, and next month the paper will be fictionally taken over by the Shroobs, and thus will be themed after Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time, this month is completely average and unassuming for the 'Shroom.
Fake News has a special addition this month in the form of Booguette's one-off special submission of Horoscope, so be sure to give that a read.
And as with every other month, you can go to the sign up page if you want to write for the paper. I hope you enjoy this normal issue of the 'Shroom as much as you presumably enjoyed the others.
Section of the Month
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
Today, the Mushroom Kingdom was united in grief as they learned of the death of a child. The child in question was Baby Wario, a baby who specialised in greed and riches and magnetism, despite the fact that most currency isn't actually magnetic and should therefore not be attracted to a magnet. Hm, maybe this world doesn't follow normal physics.
Baby Wario's death is perhaps a little convoluted, so forgive me if some of the details don't flow amazingly. But, Orange Yoshi was transporting him across a world, but was hit by a Shy Guy, some Toadies then swooped in and attempted to kidnap Baby Wario, but Orange Yoshi spat the Shy Guy at the Toadie, defeating both enemies. However, before Orange Yoshi could get back to Baby Wario, the little tyke fell down a bottomless pit. Defending his actions, Orange Yoshi told us: “Well, he did have the loudest and most annoying out of all the cries, so perhaps this was a good thing.” I feel if Orange Yoshi had texted me this, he would've included a shrug emoji.
New spread across the Mushroom Kingdom of Baby Wario's death, and the person most affected by it all was Wario. “WAHAHAHAH!” he exclaimed. “I so badly remember my death as a poor child at the hands of the Yoshis. But my death back then doesn't matter, not when I have all these Coins!” When asked about the possible paradoxes of him dying as a baby, Wario told me, in words that should never be printed, to look at a Mario Kart roster.
Funeral goers are lucky in the sense that Baby Wario fell down the bottomless pit, there was no need for a new burial. Snacks and drinks will be provided at the funeral, due to be held next Wednesday, and cleaning up will be handled by guests present by pushing all the waste down the bottomless pit. Observers are uncertain as to whether this is bad for the environment, but are assured that we won't have to worry about it for several millenniums as the waste won't start piling up.
Written by: Booguette
Hi everybody! I’m Booguette, bread-loving Boo here to bring you this likely one-off edition of Horoscope! How it works is you look for the Mario character with your zodiac sign (if you do not know your zodiac sign, look at the table here) and then read that horoscope! Or, if you’re one of those people who credits the work the maker has done or you don’t care a Super Mushroom what your horoscope is, just read it all! Thank you so much for reading this article!
(Aries, 21 March – 20 April)
This month you will jump and will hit a rock block and have to go the hospital. Sorry.
(Taurus, 20 April – 21 May)
This month you will break the record for biggest lead in a Mario Kart race, beating the old record by 7.82 seconds.
(Gemini, 21 May – 21 June)
This month you will not be kidnapped by a certain Koopa and you should be glad about that because your hero would be in the hospital.
(Cancer, 21 June – 23 July)
This month you will have to pay a ridiculously large bill because the MKTA (Mushroom Kingdom Terrain Association) will accuse you of having too much lava in and around your castle. Very sorry.
(Leo, 23 July – 23 August)
This month you will eat approximately 782 whole fruits and look like you got a Power Balloon.
(Virgo, 23 August – 23 September)
This month you will have an old friend visit you. Maybe try to welcome him? Might I suggest having some tea and some friendly conversation?
(Libra, 23 September – 23 October)
This month you will win in Mario Party. The stars will not give me any more details than that, except you will do it just barely.
(Scorpio, 23 October – 22 November)
This month you will win a dodgeball game. No, scratch out win. DOMINATE. That’s what I was looking for.
(Sagittarius, 23 November – 22 December)
This month you will barely lose to someone at Mario Party. By the slimmest of margins.
(Capricorn, 22 December – 20 January)
This month you will beat your "biggest" rival at tennis and you will humiliate him.
(Aquarius, 20 January – 19 February)
This month you will successfully steal a bag containing Super Acorns and Propeller Mushrooms.
(Pisces, 19 February – 21 March)
This month you will eat the tastiest banana you will ever eat.
Well, that’s all from me! Catch you next time I do this! Oh, and have a spectacular day!
Written by: Coffee
Good news! I’m fine. Sorry about last month; just a few minor problems with a kleptomaniacal phantom and a beast of nightmares, nothing major. And on the plus side, I ended up getting a DVD box set of the Mushroom Kingdom version of Parks and Recreation (you know, the one where Ron Swanson is replaced by Wario throughout) out of the whole ordeal, so things are looking up. Hopefully you got the emergency article I scratched on a rock okay - it wouldn’t be right to skip a month of TV Tomorrow, your sanity is at stake. Now we’ve had the conclusion to that story arc, let’s get on with the actual article, shall we?
New: Flood Brothers
Genre: Teen (?) drama
This powerfully emotional series tells the story of the growing friendship between Mario (playing himself as an 18-year-old, but inexplicably still with a full bushy moustache) and his mechanical dousing device FLUDD. The two become emotionally connected throughout their childhood, but their friendship is tested by an unexpected water crisis at Delfino Plaza. The show manages to carry some real depth, and ask some potent questions about the nature of friendship, so try not to get too distracted by the bizarre plot and bizarrer casting choices, or the fact that the show continues to insist that Mario and FLUDD’s relationship is purely platonic.
Explosive Talk with King Bob-omb
Genre: Political discussion show
Everyone’s second-favourite TV host, King Bob-omb, loses his temper again in another edition of Explosive Talk. Today, he looks into the further allegations regarding corrupt dealings in Bonneton, divisive clashes over personal privacy within the Shy Guy community, and the increasing numbers of non-Mushroom Kingdom characters taking up residence within Mario games. The King’s fuse is as short as ever, and he becomes hilariously furious at everything he talks about, which seems to be the main reason most people actually watch his show.
Surfing Championships Castaway Bay 2020
MKBC Sports, 9am-6pm
Genre: Water sports
Most of the sporting events given major coverage on MKBC are either kart racing tournaments or competitions in basic sports such as tennis or golf. Given that the weather is getting colder, why not warm yourself up with the Surfing Championships, held this year at Castaway Bay. This isn’t the eccentric, unnecessarily extreme ray surfing you get at places like Loopdeloop Galaxy - these surfers are dedicated professionals, judged on technical merit and good balance. Naturally, Mario is a contestant, and the favourite to win, but look out for young hopefuls such as Koopa Troopa.
That’s all for November. It really is pleasant to go outside and enjoy the autumn sunshine nowadays; it makes such a nice contrast to a dark and scary forest. I hope we don’t have any kind of unexpected alien invasion and have to use time travel to save the world. That would be hell for the television schedules. Well, there’s no need to dwell on statistical improbabilities, not while we’re so close to Christmas, so I’ll see you in December for some televisual festivities!
|The 'Shroom: Issue 164|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Awards Director Election|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner• Strategy Wing|