The 'Shroom:Issue 160/Fake News

From the Super Mario Wiki, the Mario encyclopedia
2017-FakeNews.png


Director Notes

DoomhikerDoctorShroom160.png

Written by: Doomhiker (talk)

Welcome to this special issue! This issue is themed after the Dr. Mario series. This is reflected in many of our sections, which I hope you will enjoy.

As per usual, you can join the 'Shroom as a writer. If you want to join, make sure to check out the sign up page.

Section of the Month

There were considerably less votes this month. Lord Bowser (talk)'s News Flush got first yet again, though by a considerably smaller amount. In second place on of last month's new writers, Goombuigi (talk) got second place with only one less vote than LB. TV Tomorrow by Quizmelon (talk) got knocked down a spot, though still earning third place. While not in the top three, AwdryFan1997 and Coffee got some votes (8 & 3 votes respectively). Thanks to all our writers and voters!

FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH
Place Section Votes % Writer
1st News Flush 18 30.51% Lord Bowser
2nd Monthly Inquisition 17 28.81% Goombuigi
3rd TV Tomorrow 13 22.03% Quizmelon

News Report

Mamma Mia! We better call a doctor! ...oh, wait...
[read more]

Wario fails to get a break.
[read more]
Entertainment Features

Literal monkey business.
[read more]

The doctor shows are in!
[read more]


Obituaries

Written by: Yoshi876 (talk)

Dr. Mario

The deceased.

If I had been writing this obituary just a few months ago, the Mushroom Kingdom would've been thrown into a complete disarray given the fact that weren't many practicing doctors. Thankfully, since Mushroom Kingdom laws changed and now all you need to become a medical doctor is a super suave coat, and maybe a headband, the country has been overrun with them. Nearby kingdoms like the Sand Kingdom and Wooded Kingdom still have to make do with whatever healthcare system they have.

Anyway, we're a little bit off track, so let's reign this section back in. Dr. Mario, the pioneer of medical science in the Mushroom Kingdom has died. His pioneering treatments helped stop an outbreak of Weird overcoming the Mushroom Kingdom in the 1990s, although some would argue that this battle has since been lost. He will be honoured with one of the highest honours a doctor can receive in the Mushroom Kingdom: The First-Ever Doctor Before The Onslaught Of All The Rest plaque.

On his death, Dr. Mario had nothing to say, but other doctors were quick with their suspicions. Dr. Peach believed that Dr. Bowser was responsible for the death, given the large slash marks on Dr. Mario's chest, and the blood on Dr. Bowser's claws, although Dr. Bowser claimed that this blood was actually just some nail polish that Dr. Wendy had been trying out.

Dr. Luigi, Dr. Yoshi, Dr. Toadette and Dr. Baby Rosalina – seriously, we let a baby be a doctor? – all concurred with Dr. Peach's accusation against Dr. Bowser. However, he received backing from Dr. Bowser Jr., Dr. Kamek, Dr. Wario and Dr. Goomba Tower – come on, this is just three schmucks standing on top of one another, how do these seriously qualify for being a doctor?

When I caught up with Dr. Dolphin for his thoughts on Dr. Mario's demise, he was storing a bloody rake in the disused shed. He initially seemed worried about my presence, saying “I didn't do it you have no evidence! Wait, you don't want to talk about that? Ah, I see. Dr. Mario was a distinguished physician who pioneered treatments against the three common virus types: Fever, Chill and Weird. But if you get in the way of my career progression, you get raked, urm, I mean, he'll be greatly missed, and I hope whoever is responsible is caught.”

And given his pioneering treatments against these virus types, I decided getting their perspective on his death might be worthwhile. “We should be glad that the old doc is gone, given that he got in the way of us infecting the whole kingdom, but not that all these other doctors have arisen, what are Viruses to do? Had he had a couple more years, we'd be running rings around this healthcare system, but now babies and turtles and skeletons are able to treat us, we might be out of a job. Perhaps we'll become doctors!”

Dr. Mario's funeral will be held next week in World 1, no not the one in Super Mario 3D World. No, it's not the one in Super Mario Bros. either. Yes, the one in Dr. Mario World! His funeral is likely to be attended by the ever-growing roster of doctors, but sadly this obituary writer will not be among them. I seem to have come down with a case of Weird.

Police Blotter

Written by: AwdryFan1997

A very happy 160th issue to you all, and a warm welcome back to Police Blotter! Today... MURDER!!!

Dr. Amigo himself.

Yes, things take an extremely dark turn as Wario was found dead at the Mushroom Kingdom General Hospital at approximately 24-26 years old (approximately). The cause of death? A wooden stake to the heart, being shot with a silver bullet, being decapitated, being burnt to ashes, exposure to sunlight, extreme Christian imagery, being sprayed with holy water, being drowned in a lake, being hit with a bible, being impaled by a hawthorne tree, being force-fed garlic, being surrounded by wolfbane, being shown his reflection in a mirror, being forced to count sesame seeds, not sleeping in native soil, and not being allowed to enter a house without being invited in. As the murder weapons were found at the scene, DNA evidence reveals the culprit was his caretaker, Dr. Mario.

Yes, the world-famous hero Mario is a murderer. Killing his rival out of a twenty-year hatred. Or, at least, that's what I presumed, until I interviewed the suspect's brother, Luigi Mario. Here's what the green machine had to say:

Oh, you have it-a all wrong. Mario and-a Dr. Mario are two different people. Mario's my brother, Doctor's just a lookalike with the same-a name. It happens all of-a the time, those Doctors. Dr. Mario, Dr. Luigi... and don't even get-a me started on-a that presa in contanti inutile di un personaggio, Dr. Fire Luigi! *sigh* But-a-no, my bro would never harm a fly. Miyamoto himself said-a Mario doesn't kill. Spiderman doesn't kill, Mario doesn't kill. It's just how it-a goes. Now, if you-a excuse me, I'm-a go find Toad and get-a my money back, I haven't seen this new kart of his...

And, there you have it! But regardless of Luigi's testimony, Mario was arrested at 3:53 AM this morning for the murder of Wario. Because of the Mushroom Kingdom's new laws regarding free speech, I have no choice but to agree with this. Mario's lawyer, Princess Peach, did not defend him like she did during the Shadow Mario Incident. But as the events that occurred on Isle Delfino have now been declared a hoax by Princess Peach herself, I have no choice but to agree with this.

Dr. Mario has not been seen since the murder, though it is said that he is carrying a whip and is therefore armed and dangerous. If you see him, don't tell anyone and quietly report your findings to the Mushroom Police, who have the situation completely under control, I assure you.

In mostly unrelated news, I have received a mysterious letter. I wonder who it could be from...

Dear AwdryFan1997,

We believe your section of The 'Shroom is severely lacking in crossover content, specifically the Castlevania series. In order to fit with our guidelines, you must feature Simon Belmont in your next installment of Police Blotter, which will be published in Issue 161. If you are in need of material, please read the enclosed newspaper for details. Se riesci a leggere questo, leggi il mega fumetto di un fan sfegatato.

-The Society for Controlling Media Related to the Marioverse

Monthly Inquisition

Written by: Goombuigi (talk)

Author's Note:

Hello, fellow 'Shroom readers, and welcome to Monthly Inquisition! Unfortunately, in my last interview, Lakitu injured me a bit, so I had to go to the Mushroom Kingdom hospital. Rest assured, I am safe and sound, but this incident inspired my pick for this month. That, and it's Dr. Mario's 30th anniversary. So today, I will be interviewing … not one, but three Viruses from the Dr. Mario series - red, blue, and yellow!


Goombuigi: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Monthly Inquisiton! Today, I'll be interviewing the Red, Blue, and Yellow Viruses!
Red Virus: Hey, hurry up. I don't have much time for this.
Goombuigi: And you think I do? I have a deadline to match, you know.
Blue Virus: Uh huh, cool. So what do you want to ask?
Goombuigi: The first question is, how did you first meet Dr. Mario?
Red Virus: Pfft, I honestly can't remember. It was 30 years ago, after all.
Yellow Virus: Uh, I dunno either.
Blue Virus: Well, pretty sure we were looking for a host to infect. That is our job after all, without a host, we can't survive for long. So we stumbled upon the Mushroom Kingdom Hospital. And hospitals are gold mines for us viruses, since there are bound to be dozens of weaklings that can be easily infected. But as we tried to infect a few patients, Dr. Mario came and tried to stop us. Unfortunately, he succeeded every time.
Goombuigi: That's unfortunate for you. Why didn't you leave and find another hospital?
Yellow Virus: We want revenge!
Blue Virus: Basically, yes. And, it's hard to find hospitals. The Mushroom Kingdom Hospital is the biggest one around here.
Goombuigi: I wonder, do you know if Dr. Mario is a certified doctor? That's something that many people have been wondering.
Red Virus: Heh, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't. He probably has no idea what he's doing most of the time. The only thing I've seen him ever do was throw pills at us.
Goombuigi: OK. What about the other doctors? Dr. Luigi, Dr. Peach, Dr. Bowser, and so on.
Blue Virus: They're not much better. They literally just copy him because they don't know any better.
Goombuigi: Well, why haven't you defeated them yet?
Red Virus: You really think it's that easy? There are a ton of doctors now, and only three of us.
Blue Virus: Technically seven, now that the green, cyan, and pink, and purple Viruses have teamed up with us.
Goombuigi: When did they team up with you?
Blue Virus: After Dr. Luigi got rid of them. We gave the green, cyan, and pink ones a makeover so they could look like proper Viruses, and the seven of us headed for the hospital.
Goombuigi: I see. I must ask, why do you say there's only seven of you? I'm sure that I've seen more in the games.
Red Virus: We can multiply ourselves when we find a host to occupy. It would come in handy, but those so-called doctors have an unlimited supply of pills for some reason. Don't ask me why, I know as much about that as you do.
Yellow Virus: shivers No! Not the pills!
Goombuigi: Is he alright?
Blue Virus: He will be. The pills just give him nightmares.
Goombuigi: Right. Anyway, what's your opinion on babies becoming doctors?
Red Virus: It's weird. I didn't know time travelling was this messed up.
Goombuigi: Apparently. I don't want to dive into the subject of time travelling right now, but I will say, the baby doctors aren't baby versions of their doctor selves, but doctor versions of their baby selves, because, in names, such as "Dr. Baby Mario", the "Dr." comes first. What do you think about that?
Yellow Virus: to Blue Virus What does he mean?
Blue Virus: I'll explain later. (to Goombuigi) I wonder if the babies even know what they're doing.
Red Virus: Hah, probably not. Although, I heard that they go kart racing.
Goombuigi: Yeah, that's true. They're actually quite good at it, from what I heard.
Red Virus: Really? I find that hard to believe.
Goombuigi: Yeah, I'm used to it now, but I found it odd when I first heard about it. Oh, I forgot to ask, do you have proper names?
Blue Virus: Not necessarily. We simply call ourselves Red, Blue, and Yellow.
Goombuigi: Right. Next question, if you had to choose, would you side with Mario, or Bowser?
Red Virus: Huh, probably Bowser. Mario has been after us more times than Bowser.
Yellow Virus: Yeah, Mario's bad.
Goombuigi: OK. I wonder, how do you manage do get in the hospital undetected?
Blue Virus: We're quite small, so we can manage to sneak into a room and get in a patient's mouth. Once we do, we can get to work. This reminds me, weren't you in the hospital a few days ago?
Goombuigi: I'm the one asking questions!
Yellow Virus: Wait, what were you doing there?
Goombuigi: It's a bit of a long story. We don't have time for that now.
Yellow Virus: Please? Just a little bit?
Goombuigi (sighs): Fine. I took Lakitu's Spinies and he threw Piranha Plants at me for that.
Red Virus: Well, why would you take his Spinies then?
Goombuigi: Look, let's continue with the interview. I have a schedule to keep up.
Red Virus: No, seriously, why would you take someone's stuff. That's theft.
Goombuigi: Look, let's get on with the interview. Now, have you been anywhere else in the Mushroom Kingdom?
Blue Virus: Not really. It's wouldn't really help us in any way, besides, we could be spotted at any point. It's too risky.
Goombuigi: I see. Now, where do you sleep?
Red Virus: We sleep in a cardboard box in front of the hospital. It's quite cozy there.
Goombuigi: OK. What do you do in your free time?
Blue Virus: Play games. Chat. Read a newspaper.
Goombuigi:Hold up. You know how to read?
Red Virus: Yellow doesn't, but the rest of us do.
Goombuigi: Huh. Where did you learn how to read?
Blue Virus: From the hospital staff. It can come in handy, you know.
Goombuigi: All right. How does it feel being small?
Red Virus: If anything, I prefer it that way. It makes it easier to sneak around undetected.
Goombuigi: Right. Anyway -
Red Virus: Will this thing end soon? I'm getting bored.
Goombuigi: I still have a couple more questions.
Red Virus: Hurry up then.
Goombuigi: All right, fine. Patience. Are you thinking of finding other viruses to team up with you?
Blue Virus: Yeah, but it's hard to find any. They do a pretty good job of keeping clean in these parts.
Goombuigi:True. Last question: Do you have any future plans besides what you're doing now, trying to infect people and such?
Yellow Virus: No, not really.
Goombuigi: Good, that's all that I need. Now then, it was nice to meet you all.
Yellow Virus: Bye!
Red Virus: Well, finally.
The Viruses leave.
Goombuigi: And that concludes another episode of Monthly Inquisition. What did you think about the Viruses? Anyway, I'll see you all next time!
The audience leaves, as does Goombuigi.

Peddler's Place

Written by: Coffee

Banana Coins - [Image of Donkey Kong and a Banana Coin] "Hoo hoo he. Hmm hah hmm hoo. Hoo hee! Hoo hah. Okay! Hmm heer hoom hee hah." *Editor's Note - we do not sell these. He just keeps bringing them to the office and then he prints these ads. Stop calling us.

TV Tomorrow

Written by: Quizmelon (talk)

The Mushroom Kingdom is usually a safe place; most of the enemies are harmless, and Bowser honestly poses little threat to the inhabitants, bar Mario, Luigi, and Peach, perhaps. Yet the kingdom is still plagued by sickness, pestilence, and disease, as well as accidents, heart attacks, and several examples of just poor health. Thankfully, Dr. Mario - who totally isn’t just Mario in a doctor’s costume - has been campaigning for wider awareness of medical issues, and in recognisation of these efforts, MKBC has dedicated its programming solely to those more medically inclined. And is that day the one I’m reporting on? Of course. Here’s the top three medical shows showing tomorrow!

Series 4 of Cosmic Clinic comes to a close with a dramatic episode - on MKBC1 tomorrow.

Cosmic Clinic
MKBC1, 8.30pm
Genre: Sci-fi medical drama
MKBC have cleverly arranged it so that tomorrow’s medical extravaganza on the channel coincides with the Series 4 finale of the bizarre genre-fusing Cosmic Clinic, which, as well as offering some genuinely good medical advice, manages to be an action-packed and compelling drama. To close this series, Dr Mario is called to investigate a widespread plague on a metropolis planet - and finds an old adversary of his contaminating the planet’s power system.

Dr Wario’s Hospital begins tomorrow at 7.30pm on MKBC2.

New: Dr Wario’s Hospital
MKBC2, 7.30pm
Genre: Soap
A spin-off of every other show Wario’s ever starred in, which is rather a lot, this brand new medical soap is supposed to rival the televisual titan Yoshi’s Island (and will probably not succeed). Wario stars as Dr Wario, a maverick medical genius given total control of his own hospital and its confusing labyrinth of mysteriously terminally ill patients, attractive but inexperienced junior doctors, and compelling yet medically inaccurate plotlines. It’s... strangely addictive.

At 1pm, tune in for medical advice from Dr Mario’s Health Corner.

Dr Mario’s Health Corner
MKBC1, 1pm
Genre: Medical advice show
To make sure all the Mushroom Kingdom’s inhabitants are keeping healthy, Dr Mario will also be broadcasting this two-hour special live show, in which he answers audience questions about health and offers plenty of advice. Although Mario assures us he is doing the show purely out of his duty to the Hippocratic oath, there’s rather a lot of cross-promotion with his own line of effective but expensive antiviral pills. But don’t let that deter you - he is a qualified doctor, after all.

So with all that in the schedule for tomorrow, it will be extremely surprising if you fall ill within the next few years or so. Television is a tried and tested cure for boredom, so make sure you’re getting your recommended daily dosage. Hope you’ve enjoyed your monthly dosage of TV Tomorrow - interestingly, this is actually the 50th TV Tomorrow article I’ve ever written, and I have no plans to stop any time soon, regardless of any sickness or disease that may strike me down. Stay healthy, and I’ll see you in August for the 51st TV Tomorrow article!

The 'Shroom: Issue 160
Staff sections Staff NotesThe 'Shroom Spotlight'Shroomfest HighlightsPoll Chairperson Address
Features Fake NewsFun StuffPalette SwapPipe PlazaCritic CornerStrategy Wing

Front Page Shroombull.png About Shroombull.png Archives Shroombull.png Comments Shroombull.png Subscribe Shroombull.png Spotlight Shroombull.png Contact us Shroombull.png Manual of Style Shroombull.png Sign up
Bulbanews Shroombull.png Metroid Recon Shroombull.png The Mushroom Kingdom