The 'Shroom:Issue 159/Fake News
A new month means a new issue of the 'Shroom. This month is larger than usual. There's several special and staff sections to check out, such as the Poll Chairperson Election and the Feedback Survey Analysis, where I wrote the analysis. More importantly though, it's now the Awards season! Check out the main page polls on the main page or here, as well as the Community Awards Dossier to vote on the many polls available. Other awards activities can be checked out here.
Next, there's a new activity to further engage our readers. It's called 'Shroomfest. Be sure to check it out after reading this issue.
While this issue is larger than usual, next issue (may be) even bigger, or at least larger than usual. Next month is going to be a special issue, and will be themed around Dr. Mario! If you want to write a one-time section for the special issue, or want to write in a permanent position, you can always visit the sign up page.
Coffee will be gone for this month, however he has sent a note:
"Please pick up more printer ink to run our ads in the paper. We are losing money so it has to come out of someone's paycheck. Thanks."
Section of the Month
There was a massive amount of votes this month. Lord Bowser (talk)'s News Flush won again with 69 votes, gathering over half of the total amount of votes. Again in second place TV Tomorrow, written by Quizmelon (talk), got a large 30 votes. Finally, in third place Obituaries by Yoshi876 (talk) got a nice 21 votes, and, while not on the template, Coffee's Peddler's Place got a decent 15 votes. Thanks to all of our voters, and make sure to continue to vote!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|1st||News Flush||69||51.11%||Lord Bowser|
Hello Yello! It is 'tis I, your amazingly handsome news anchor LB, bringing you another round of top news stories for this month's News Flush!
So you may or may not have heard of our 'Shroomfest going on. For those who may not know, they are based on the Splatfests held in a bustling city known as Inkopolis, where the famed Inklings and Octolings call home. For that reason, we'll be taking a look at some recent eye-catching headlines arising from this beautiful town!
Turf Wars Resume Under Social-Distancing Orders, Discouraging Short-Range Weapons
Reported: 8 June
Inkopolis officials have allowed the incredibly popular Turf Wars to resume after a several-month hiatus due to coronavirus fears. However, the battles may only take place if strict social-distancing guidelines are followed, namely that each participant must remain at least 6 feet apart from each other, along with requiring mask headgear to be worn at all times. This has stirred up major controversy among the denizens of Inkopolis, with some saying that Turf Wars are nearly impossible to play under these rules, especially for those who specialize in low-range weapons. Our crew interviewed a local Inkling who mains the Clash Blaster, and he had this to say;
I already gotta deal with hate from baby scrubs who can't handle my Clash. Now the city's tryna cramp my style too?! This order's wack. It's unfair to me and other Clash mains. Clearly the city just wants everyone to use chargers!
Our interviewer wished for us to add that a group of Octolings proceeded to heckle the Inkling when he revealed he mained the Clash Blaster.
However, not all reactions to the order were negative. Many considered the new guidelines to be reasonable, as Inkopolis is densely populated and Turf Wars are a known source of contagion. Some suggested learning to use longer-range weapons, and even recalling short-range weapons that require their users to get within 6 feet of an opponent. Our team managed to get in touch with Marie of the Squid Sisters, who had this to say regarding the order;
Meh, I get it really. It's better than having them be cancelled for even longer. Personally it doesn't affect me very much, since I'm a charger girl and all, but I know Callie likes rollers and she's gonna be mad. Guess we know which one of us mains the better weapon now!
Our team attempted to get in touch with Callie, but we were only met with a Splat Bomb. No one was injured, at least.
In response to the discouragement of short-range weapons, the Ammo Knights chain of weapon stores has dealt with a massive surge in returns and refunds of such weapons, with employees reporting a backlog that may take weeks to get through. Consequently, sales of chargers, squelchers, and splatlings have dramatically increased.
Reports of Vandalism and Other Criminal Activity Following Controversial Splatfest Result
Reported: 15 June
In a surprise announcement, Off the Hook hosts Pearl and Marina hosted a Splatfest, with the teams being... each other. Echoing the Callie vs. Marie Splatfest of long ago, the Pearl vs. Marina Splatfest drew huge crowds despite social-distancing orders being enforced, having the largest number of attendees of any previous Splatfest. In a surprising upset, however, Pearl managed to beat Marina 2-1, despite Marina having over a 30% lead in the popularity category. Supporters of Marina's team reacted with shock and outrage, calling for a recount of the results and for Judd's resignation. Downtown Inkopolis was subject to heavy vandalism that night, with posters advertising Pearl's team being covered in ink, torn apart, and even lit on fire, while businesses in support of Pearl's team were also vandalized. Illegal turf wars were held between Pearl and Marina supporters, covering buildings and streets in ink. Marina swiftly condemned the violence, saying the following to those protesting on her behalf;
You guys! This is really uncool and needs to stop right now. It's just a Splatfest, please! You're being really mean to Pearl, to Inkopolis, and even to me. I really have no issue with the result and you guys are taking it way too far.
Pearl was unable to be reached for comment, presumably avoiding any public contact while things settle down.
City officials reported damages totaling thousands of dollars, along with drained ink reserves and damaged equipment. A spokesquid for Off the Hook stated that future Splatfests will be cancelled for the time being. Marina has pledged to pay for damages on the city's behalf.
Deepsea Metro Conductor Gets Lost, Stranding Dozens of Passengers
Reported: 18 June
In the late night hours of 17 June, the conductor of one of the Deepsea Metro trains reportedly took a wrong turn and ended up on a completely different line than was expected. The detour left the dozens of passengers inside the train stranded for several hours, as other trains were called to pick them up and return to the normal route. According to passengers' accounts, the conductor was serving the F line when he turned at the wrong junction, causing it to end up on the C line instead, far away from the F line's terminus. Many passengers attempted to alert the conductor, C.Q. Cumber, but he failed to notice due to lacking ears, eyes, and possibly a brain. The train remained stuck at the end of the C line for hours until other trains could arrive at the station and take the stranded passengers home. One such passenger, Iso Padre, remarked on the whole ordeal;
Obviously, people were angry. Lots of people cursing C.Q. and swearing off ever riding the metro again. Me? I'm just confused that C.Q. made a mistake like that in the first place! This job is his whole life, and it's strange to see him mess it up like this. I guess nobody is perfect after all. I'm lucky that I wasn't really going anywhere in particular, anyway. I just like riding trains. I like trains.
C.Q. Cumber was reprimanded by the Kamabo Corporation, the owners of the Deepsea Metro, and placed on leave for a week following the incident. Agent 8 will be conducting trains in his absence, a worrying sight for many considering her history with Kamabo. The affected passengers were refunded their fares and provided a free monthly pass for the metro.
And that's all there is for this month. Inkopolis sure is a lively place! Be sure to come back next month for the latest scandalous headlines. Until then, this is your incredibly handsome anchor, LB, signing out!
In the past few months for this section, I have brought you the deaths of key Olympic athletes, medically acclaimed doctors (sort of ), the literal sun itself, and one of the Mushroom Kingdom's most famous wedding planners. Today, I bring you the death of a rock. But apparently this was a sentient rock, so my editor told me to cover that, instead of the Kart racer who drove into lava. Turns out, it doesn't actually kill you if you have a few coins to pay a turtle flying in a cloud. Who knew?
Boss Brolder is a rock, in fact he's a bigger rock than most of the other rocks, known as Brolders. But to boil it down to its bare essentials, he's a rock who spent his days rolling around on a platform close to lava. But supposedly instead of trying to get the guy into lava, you just had to throw his brethren at him. I mean, if you have a lava platform, it's just gaming etiquette for someone to end up in there.
The Sprixie Kingdom has been falling into disarray over the past few years, what with the passing of all Sprixie Princesses and Plessie – come on, I've covered the deaths of actual royalty and a dinosaur that should've been dead millions of years ago, why do I have to write about some rock? – and so World 4 was looking a bit barren. Wait, it's always looked like that? Why would someone want to live in such a wasteland? No wonder it's only rocks dying in this place.
Thankfully there are still a few bosses left alive in the Sprixie Kingdom to talk to following the death of Boss Brolder. However, Hisstrocrat actually only speaks in hisses, and so wasn't much use, Boom Boom and Pom Pom decided to make back to the Mushroom Kingdom, I'm deathly allergic to cats, so avoided Meowser - I'm not, I just didn't fancy going that far into the Sprixie Kingdom to probably get meowed at until I opened a door – and the Motley Bossblob is kind of terrifying, and as I value my sanity I left it alone as well.
Boss Brolder will apparently have a funeral, my suggestion of just throwing him into the sea didn't go down too well, and it will mostly be attended by Brolders. However, even if you aren't a rock, which I imagine might encompass most of my readers, you are still allowed to attend. You will just have to sit extremely still so they don't realise you're not a rock. Good luck, and let me know how you get on!
Written by: AwdryFan1997
Hello, my comrades, and welcome back to Police Blotter! With the ups and downs of real life, it always helps to laugh away the pain with The 'Shroom. That being said, if you laugh about this, you might be evil.
The world-famous whack-o Wario has been severely injured on one of his most perilous, most rewarding adventures yet: Crossing the street. That's right, on his usual walk through town, picking up coins and telling homeless people he doesn't have any, Wario was suddenly and deliberately hit by a blue Pipe Frame kart. Wario did not catch a glimpse of the culprit, but he did hear the perpetrator say in a high-pitched gender indeterminate voice, "That's what you get for screwing with nature!"
Wario was admitted to the Mushroom Kingdom General Hospital, where he was placed under the care of Dr. Mario himself. Upon realizing he would have Wario as his patient, the Doc promptly went to find a wooden stake, for whatever reason. Dr. Mario also prescribed garlic instead of Megavitamins, which Wario did not object to.
Wario's extremely close friend Waluigi has not been seen since the incident. It was discussed whether police should check on him, but it was soon realized no one knew for certain where Waluigi lived. There was no attempt at finding Waluigi's residence, as, to be frank, no one likes him.
Mario has been reported to be out on the search for the culprit, at least after being suspected for the crime, Paper Mario-style. Luigi, who did not join his brother on the mission, reportedly lent Toad a large sum of coins for "a new kart" at least two days prior to the attack.
We here at Fake News reached out to several Marioverse residents regarding the incident, specifically Wario's employees. The only one to reply was Orbulon, of all individuals. Our interview is detailed below:
Press: Where am I?
Orbulon: Welcome, Earthling! It is time for the Great Probing!
Press: Pr-probing? I... wha...
Orbulon: Bunny minions! Seize him!
Press: Gah! Let me go, you freaks! What are doing to... AUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Orbulon: You don't think my 2000-year desire to dominate your pathetic planet would simply go away, did you? Stupid Earthling... I shall burger your kind like hams!
Press: N-no... no... please, no...
If anyone has seen the reporter that was beamed up by the Oinker, please tell us, he owes me money.
Police are trying desperately to find the one responsible for Wario's injuries, though because everyone was looking away from Wario's ugly mug and Princess Peach considers security cameras "an invasion of privacy" the search is taking extremely long. If anyone has any information, please contact the Mushroom Kingdom Police immediately, or you will be charged with treason.
I mean, I'm pretty sure it's Toad, but no one really listens to me, especially not those fungus fools.
Welcome! This is Monthly Inquisition, and I'm Goombuigi, the section's writer. As its name implies, in Monthly Inquisition, I will be interviewing various citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom monthly (hopefully), in hopes of uncovering their personality and character beyond the videogames, because, let's be honest, they don't do a very good job of conveying a character's identity. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this section, and let's get on with the performance. I'm actually writing this three minutes before I'm supposed to go on stage, so I really need to hurry up. Yes, you heard right, the section will be presented on a stage, with an audience from the Mushroom Kingdom. What you are reading is a transcript that I will have put together after the stage event. With that said, I better go now, see you onstage! … Actually, scratch that. I won't see you when I'm on the stage, because what you're reading is the transcript … Never mind. I'm nervous, so I'm just babbling. I gotta go.
The audience is chatting excitedly. The lights turn off, which is a cue for the audience to quiet down, for the show is about to begin. Footsteps can be heard, and soon enough, the host, Goombuigi, enters the stage.
Goombuigi: Welcome to the premiere of Monthly Inquisition! I'm your host, Goombuigi, and my job is to interview various citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom. Today, I shall interview none other than the mastermind behind Mario Kart - please welcome … LAKITU!
Applause, Lakitu flies on the stage in a cloud. A Goombrat from the audience laughs, and Lakitu throws a Spiny at him. The audience quickly quiets down. Goombuigi rushes to see if the Goombrat isn't injured, then he goes to the backstage, and after a moment, he enters the stage again.
Goombuigi: Sorry about that. So, Lakitu, how are you doing today?
Lakitu: The usual. Throwing Spinies and saving racers. Yup, that's my life.
Goombuigi: All right. First question. When and how did you meet Mario?
Lakitu: It was a long time ago, all right. When Bowser kidnapped Princess Peach for the first time, he was like "Hey, minions, go guard the castle so Mario doesn't get in!" So we went, and when I saw him stomping on all those Goombas and stuff, I was like, "Oh no you don't! You're gonna pay for this!" So I started throwing some Spinies, and guess what? Mario just stomped on my head, and flew away with MY cloud! So I had to walk home and get a new one!
Goombuigi (yawns): Huh? Sorry? Uh, I mean, yeah, sure. So if you wanted to kill Mario, how did you become that Mario Kart guy?
Lakitu: Mario Kart guy?
Goombuigi: You know, the one who starts and ends the races?
Lakitu: Yeah, that was also a long story. So it was back in '92 or whenever, and I was like, going on a ride in my cloud, when -
Goombuigi: Anyway, I believe Mario was organizing his own racing tournament, right?
Lakitu: Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
Goombuigi: So how did you get involved?
Lakitu: Well, Mario was looking for someone to start off the races and save people who fell and stuff. He offered pretty good pay, so I applied.
Goombuigi: And he accepted you, just like that?
Lakitu: Yeah. He must have been pretty desperate.
Goombuigi: Ok. And how did you enjoy the job?
Lakitu: It was harder than I thought. I mean, with so much chaos going on, what would you expect? Like, what if two racers fall off at the same time? What am I supposed to do? Split myself into two?
Goombuigi: Well, what DO you do?
Lakitu: I just save one racer first and then save the other.
Goombuigi: And you're not worried about the other racer?
Lakitu: Nah. No matter how much they fall, I'll still save them. It's not like there's lava or anything. And even if there is, it's not poisonous.
Goombuigi: All right. Next question: How come you didn't start off the race in Mario Kart DS?
Lakitu: I had a bit of a lighter job in DS, cause after Double Dash, I just couldn't take it. I mean seriously, with all the chaos going on there, and all those racers throwing Bowser shells and stuff, I HAD to take a break.
Goombuigi: That makes sense. What's your excuse for Mario Kart Tour, then?
Lakitu: It's a bad Mario Kart game. And it's not even for a Nintendo system.
Goombuigi: Well, will you start off the race in future Mario Kart games?
Lakitu: Yeah, probably. As long as it's worth it.
Goombuigi: Ok. Speaking of future Mario Karts, could you give us a sneak peek of when the next one is gonna be?
Lakitu: Sorry, no.
Goombuigi: Come on! I'm sure the audience is very curious!
Lakitu: Well, I don't know myself.
Goombuigi: I thought you owned Mario Kart!
Lakitu: I don't. Mario does. Why do you think his name is there?
Goombuigi: Well, he puts his name everywhere.
Lakitu: That's true. But what I'm saying is that I don't own Mario Kart. I'm just Mario's second-in-command for this kinda thing.
Goombuigi: Do you at least have plans for the series' 30th anniversary?
Lakitu: At the moment, no. Tour is really taking away my time.
Goombuigi: Speaking of which, what do you do in your free time?
Lakitu: I dunno. Hang out with other Lakitus? I don't really have free time though.
Goombuigi: Also, since you and Mario teamed up for Mario Kart, have you settled down your rivalry?
Lakitu: Not really. Look, when we "teamed up", that was just for Mario Kart. We agreed not to be enemies only in Mario Kart. That obviously doesn't apply for the other stuff.
Goombuigi: So you still try to kill him?
Goombuigi: Do you realise that if he would be dead, no one would own Mario Kart and you would lose your job?
Lakitu: Uh, maybe?
Goombuigi: And you don't care?
Goombuigi: (to himself) Life is weird. (to Lakitu) Do you ever get off your cloud?
Lakitu: Of course not! I can't leave my baby unprotected! winks at his cloud, who winks back
Goombuigi: Ok. Does your cloud have a name?
Lakitu: Yeah. Of course. I call him Carl.
Goombuigi: Can he talk?
Lakitu: He's pretty shy. He only likes to talk to me.
Goombuigi: Ok. How old is he?
Lakitu: Um, I thought this interview was about me!
Goombuigi: Well, your cloud is a part of you, so I have the right to interview your cloud, too. So, Carl, how does Lakitu treat you?
Lakitu: He won't talk.
Goombuigi: Fine. Moving on. How do you feel being part of the Koopa Troop?
Lakitu: Cool, actually. Since I'm one of the "higher-class" enemies, I receive quite good pay.
Goombuigi: Wait a moment, you said that for Mario Kart, too!
Lakitu: Yeah, so?
Goombuigi: So? You have two jobs!
Lakitu: And is that a problem?
Goombuigi: Yes! You have two faces!
Lakitu: Um, no, I don't. Use your eyes.
Goombuigi: Not literally. I mean that you work for Mario AND against Mario.
Lakitu: You only realised that now? I thought that was painfully clear.
Goombuigi: And he doesn't mind?
Lakitu: Mario? Nah. He's fine with it, unlike you.
Goombuigi: I didn't say that! Whatever. Why does your whole species wear glasses?
Lakitu: Because we're near-sighted, which isn't much use when we try to aim Spinies on Mario.
Goombuigi: Ok. Next question. Are there any female Lakitus?
Lakitu: Uh, no. That would be weird.
Goombuigi: Then how do you get children?
Lakitu: They come out of our clouds, just like with some species, babies come out of eggs.
Goombuigi: That's … weird. Whatever gets the job done, I suppose.
Lakitu: That's one way to put it.
Goombuigi: And last question! What does the name "Lakitu" originate from?
Lakitu: I dunno. That's like if you would ask where the name "dog" originated from. Nobody knows.
Goombuigi: Fair enough. Looks like that's the end of our interview! What did you think, fellow readers and viewers? Is Lakitu cool? Is he a traitor for having two opposing jobs? Anyway, I'll see you all next month! exits the stage, only to find Lakitu
Goombuigi: Uh, hi! What are you doing here?
Lakitu: Where are my Spinies?
Lakitu: Yeah, they were right here, in the backstage!
Goombuigi: Well, I don't know. Look, I have to go. takes his backpack and, through an unzipped spot, a Spiny's spike peeks out
Lakitu: Hey! Stop right there! You took my Spinies!
Goombuigi: Uh, that's just my spiky helmet! runs
Lakitu: pulls a Piranha Plant from his cloud and throws it at Goombuigi
Goombuigi: Ow! trips and falls
Lakitu: Serves you right. pulls out more Piranha Plants and throws them at Goombuigi
Goombuigi: Ow! Ow! Stop! Ow! I'm sorry! Ow! Ow! Here are your Spinies! Ow! Ooow! Look, it was Bowser's orders, OK? Ow! Ow ow ow!
Lakitu: Bowser's orders? Yeah, right!
Goomba Assistant #1: Should we stop filming?
Goomba Assistant #2: Probably, yeah.
You wake up. Life has been pretty hard recently, and some days you don’t even know why you bother getting up. You haul yourself out of bed, stretch awkwardly, and then your eye suddenly catches the calendar on your bedroom wall. June 20. It’s today! A new issue of the ‘Shroom, and therefore - you shout the words out loud in excitement - ‘a new TV Tomorrow article!’ And suddenly, all is well with the world again, and you cannot stop smiling for the rest of the day. That is the sensation thousands of you are feeling right now. So who am I to delay you? Let’s get to it.
Yoshi’s Wildlife World: Elephants Special
Genre: Wildlife programme
Elephants, one of the few species to remain relatively similar in both our universe and the Mushroom Kingdom, have long been a source of wonder. And Yoshi, the Kingdom’s resident animal expert, has dedicated this wonderfully detailed two-hour special just to unravelling their mysteries, which proves both insightful and thought-provoking (specifically, insight into elephants, and provoking thoughts about elephants). A must-watch tomorrow.
New: Pit Stop
This brand-new comedy, written by Lakitu, explores what goes on behind-the-scenes in competitive Mario Kart racing - all in a hilarious mockumentary format. Toad plays Mechanic Toad, the bumbling head of a group of inexperienced Toad mechanics who run the pit stops for the egotistical racers. With a whole cast of comic characters, tomorrow’s pilot episode has excellent reviews and could very possibly see the birth of a new popular series.
MKBC Kids, 4.30pm
The latest big kids’ series swooping the Mushroom Kingdom youth is the admirably colourful Origami Land! (with the exclamation mark a key part of the title). Cleverly fusing adventure series with arts and crafts programme, the show follows Mario and a cast of paper characters as they make things out of origami to complete whatever that day’s quest is. In tomorrow’s episode, they visit Princess Peach’s Castle and fold together a rainbow of colourful gifts.
Now thoroughly exhausted from having read the article ten times, you finally relax back in your comfortable chair and realise with sudden dread that you’ll have to wait until July 18 for another one. But fear not! Next month, spurred on by the campaigns of Mario’s medical alter ego Dr Mario, MKBC is only showing medical programmes, which will surely make next month’s article far more interesting than the usual fare. So it’s something to look forward to. Until then, may your life become eventful enough that the arrival of a new TV Tomorrow is not considered a major event. Because that’s just sad. See you in July!
|The 'Shroom: Issue 159|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • 'Shroomfest • Poll Committee Discussion • Poll Chairperson Election|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner• Strategy Wing|
|Specials||Community Awards Dossier • Feedback Survey Analysis|