The 'Shroom:Issue 139/Fake News
I am really busy this month so I haven't got much to say here, but enjoy the section and the issue! :)
Section of the Month
Good evening, viewers, from MKBC6, with your weather forecast for the week ahead.
Late fall weather will be moving in quickly this week to chase away the last few reminders of summer. Expect high temperatures for the beginning of the week, but have those coats and brushes ready for the later parts of this week, when temperatures will start to drop very quickly.
Here is your vacation forecast for Evershade Valley for the upcoming week as well.
So, I thought I'd finished with the bird-brained shenanigans after last month, and I was ready to just settle down and get saddled with the spooky stuff that usually dominates my October schedule for whatever reason. Honestly, it's like someone's made a holiday out of something. However, what I was faced with turned out be a combination of both birds and the undead. Well, the un-undead, which I guess means they're alive, so dead dead birds. Yeah, that works.
Earlier this morning, it was discovered that Kreepy Krow had died. Initial autopsies found that Kreepy Krow had actually been dead for a long while, but he had only just figured it out. His sudden existential crisis enabled him to move properly into the spirit world, instead of World 5, otherwise known as Gloomy Gulch.
Speaking to many of the residents of Gloomy Gulch proved to be difficult, as many were just ghosts who made otherworldly moans, or animals who spoke in their native tongue, and as I don't speak wasp or porcupine, I was a little bit underprepared. I mean, at least the yarn creations from last month had the common deceny to speak English to me instead of Yarnish.
Kreepy Krow seemed to have adapted quite quickly to his new role as a ghost, well at least until he passed again. Two kinds monkeys, who did speak English, told me that after they'd killed him on a pirate ship his soul quickly flew off before quickly controlling the residents of the Gloomy Gulch. A rather large crocodile, who also spoke my native tongue, said that he was impressed at how Kreepy Krow seemed to have taken his own death in his stride.
Kreepy Krow will not be given a funeral, as his former body, Krow, received a Viking's funeral not long after his original death. There was some intense debate, but in the end the mourners decided that they couldn't be bothered to mourn over him again, so they just sent their condolences in a card.
Written by: Koops
Hello 'Shroom readers! Come closer, as I, the one, the only, clumsy but bold Koops ventures through various places to tell you about wether you should or shouldn't visit a certain location! Whatever the location is! Truly, it is a dream come true to know about such things (But trust me when I say I need to rework this intro into actually making it an eye magnet.)
I know... It's been some time since last time you saw me... or maybe not if you read mine and Hooded Pitohui's presentation back at the awards... or if you visit the MarioBoards often at all... suffice to say, though, this is the first Travel Guide section you've seen in a while! Much has changed about me since our... revisit on Prism Island?! Woah! THAT was the last Travel Guide section I did before this one you are currently reading?
Don't forget how to breathe Koops... *pant* *pant* *wheeze* Deep breath... deep Breath... DEEEEP BREEEAAATH!
Phew... I took some time to recollect myself there. Seriously, I didn't realize that last time my name showed up in the Fake News page in the beginning of a section of this newspaper was that far away behind already!
But seriously, now, can we take a moment to just appreciate the fact that I'm here now? Yeah, good!
A lot of locations have sprung into my mind, lately, but sadly, none of them really struck in a way that would make me go there. It was like if someone was continuously hurling rocks at my forehead, and while the impact of all of them are a significant pain that makes my blood race in places outside of its normal traveling vicinity, they were all... alike... none of them really felt like a priority, a highlight amongst others, an apparent king of the clan... however, something came to my attention... something... might I say it would have been the end of my very existence had I noticed some time later.
OMG MY FRIDGE IS SO EMPTY, IT'S A WHOLE OTHER DIMENSION OF NOTHING IN THERE!
And thus, I realized that my next destination had to be the one place in which I could find whatever I had to find to be able to close off this void. And I knew it wouldn't be easy, but here we are, what choice do I have? My life depends on the content that was so savagely ripped apart from this frozen door that coexists with all my other appliances, and as such, I see only one solution!
I gotta go shopping.
And... what better place to go shop at than the Mall named after the nuts of the cocos? Ok it's Coconut mall.
Ok, here we are! Coconut Mall! Shopping center located somewhere on the highway that derives from Delfino Plaza, on Delfino Island! You know, the third most voted Mario game setting on the awards, after which came the Mario Galaxy Galaxies, which weren't number 1 for some reason? Yeah, Coconut Mall is in there.
Enough rambling about this though, we got a responsibility to fulfill! A mission! Duty has never called so hard for me! So on my way to get what I need, I will have to introduce you to some places, but the journey ahead of us is not easy. So don't let your guard down! And ugh, who am I kidding, I'm the one going through this...
Well... there's the problem... whenever I see something I wanna buy... there's no stopping it, I am bombarded with the desire to fire my money at it... but my ammo is limited this time, I cannot afford anything aside from what I'm here for! So this won't be a normal Travel Guide section! No siree! Not at all!
Well... my body is ready! I got this!
So... right as I enter, a reassuring Air Conditioner breathes upon the whisks of my mustache. No matter how threatening this jungle may be, it's always a great feeling to be going into it. There's that sense of adventure... or the feeling you get when some cold air touches your face... yeah whatever it is, it will do a nice job at making you forget the purpose of why you were here...
In fact... why am I here?
Oh! I remember! I have to buy myself some stuff to fill up my refrigerator!
Ok. We're currently next to Coco Mode, one of many shops and stores around here! Thankfully, I never feel the urge to buy myself new clothes, partly because my shell covers my shirt anyway, and also because... meh. To keep things short, I just don't care about it.
But, however, from a more objective approach and a more constructive criticism, I will say this...
These clothes are shit. They were designed to only fit Piantas, given how... large these are! Do NOT buy! Well that is, unless you got a knack for Pianta fashion, in which case I count on you to rid this place of these termite-infested rugs.
Well... we got that out of the way... but unfortunately... that also means that from now on, we're gonna be looking at cool stuff no one would like to miss out on, and given the fact that
Oh no... here we go! Here's Dolphin MegaStore! The most renown electronics store around here! Sure, they sell stuff at high price, and Noki Store is a far better alternative for games and such, but the sheer fact of seeing something can still make me go for a wild ride aboard the hype train, and looking at how things are going in terms of finances, I'm going to die!
I should've listened to my mother and became a plumber. They're hot stuff around the Mushroom Kingdom since the 1980's it seems. Look at what they're selling at this store! I need to shield my eyes! My hope for life (my money) is something I should cling on to, not throw into a cashier's face in exchange for guilty pleasures! I must start running!
Speaking of plumbers, there's a shop that sells things for them on the other side of the universe that is this place if you want, just pointing this out.
Ok... it's out of sight... for now... where is that food market when I need it damnit?!
Now that we're in a relatively safe zone, let's take some time to admire the scenery! You got this floating ball hanging from the ceiling right above this fountain here...
Wait what?! That ain't safe! What if the ball drops down and destroys the fountain? I've seen one of these things, they're deep! What if the place gets flooded? Oh well... Piantas!
And I'm making such a big deal about a fountain. They'll be able to block it off in no time! ...If not all Piantas have the same IQ that is. Do I even need to mention that? Methinks not! It's a pretty established fact at this point.
Thank God... the supermarket has finally entered my perimeter of sight! Let's make a run for it!
Damn, how is this gonna work out? I'm probably gonna bump into some mine field on the way to make my cash fly out of my pockets. And that is really what I'm not here for! What to do?
What to do?
This is not a good idea! This is a TERRIBLE IDEA!
But hey... aren't all my ideas terrible? Don't they all sound like something that could lead into a nuclear bomb lit on fire dropping on the east coast of America? (And that suddenly took the darkest turn to end all dark turns.)
I'm probably gonna regret this... but this is the only way!
I... I made it! Yes! I made it! Still alive! I'm saved! I'M SAVED!
Ok I better spare myself the weird looks... this is a public place...
The supermarket in Coconut Mall? It's like any other one you can think of! It's mostly got fruits though, but very refreshing at that. At least the Piantas invested their intelligence into gardening, because otherwise, this whole trip would've been for nothing! The amount of products they brought from around the world is also overwhelming now that I see it!
Ok, with the money I have, I think I can grab all that stuff and be on my —
... I hate this place... but... why am I under arrest already? I think all I did was do legit normal people things!
Eventually I convinced the Police I would do whatever they wanted if they decided not to send me to the court and keep this whole thing between us, considering they are not particularly smart, but on the other hand... what they made me do... that was a whole other story!
But hey, I eventually got my stuff and escaped! And... I live outside this island, so not like they were gonna follow me around the globe, right? I should probably go somewhere that's not the Mushroom Kingdom though, just in case... Alola, perhaps? I hear it's nice...
But... why did I go on Coconut Mall when I had other closer places to go to?
A mystery... well no, obviously that was a landmark I needed to show you. Just that. I went through all this for you,
This has been Koops from Travel Guide, Signing off...
AThe other day I was stopped in the street by a young fan of mine. (I have no idea how he knew it was me; I’ve never revealed to anyone what I look like, not even my family.) Anyway, he just wanted to thank me for writing this column, because, and I quote, ‘without it, who would know what fictional Mushroom Kingdom television they were ultimately missing because it didn’t exist’? And on that wonderful compliment, let’s get on with TV Tomorrow for October!
New: Wario’s Antiques Hunt
Flower Cup 2018 Live
Film: Shivers the Butler
October is always a great month for Mushroom Kingdom television, and it’s a shame only fictional people will be delighted by its wonders. Still, there is news that they are working on a way to transfer Mushroom Kingdom television to the real world. For now, you will have to rely on your imagination. Or, you know, download it illegally. See you in November!
Do you worry for Flavio, who remains an exile among the gentry? Allow me to allay lingering fears. It is true, yes, that the sensibilities of the old guard of the business community, the, how you say, Ancien Régime, cause them to recoil from my reporting. They shun Flavio, knowing that, if their affairs are not in order, the faults of their venerated businesses will be thrust into the public sphere for discussion and debate. But, there are those who do not so irrationally retreat from the scrutiny of a peer. Yes, the nouveau riche, those who have only recently attained their pseudo-peerage, they do not jealousy guard the internal dynamics of their operations. Why this is, Flavio cannot explain. Perhaps they are ignorant in the manner of a child who, possessing an innocence which is lost with age, does not recognize the dangers which stalk him. Perhaps, on the other hand, their ignorance is of their own making. Drawing into their own circles with the purpose of avoiding the trustees of the old-money estates, they sever the lines of communication which have traditionally allowed the wealthy and powerful to exchange information about dissenters within their ranks. Or, perhaps, these titans of modern industry, who have only recently built their fortunes, are simply too eccentric to care. I posit that it is this latter statement which explains why the scientist who I approached did not hesitate in opening the doors of his warehouse to me. Yes, this month, Flavio has gained exclusive access to the Mushroom Kingdom’s most enigmatic company. I have been invited to E. Gadd’s Garage so that I may inspect a selection of Gadd Science, Incorporated’s products.
Upon arriving at the warehouse, I was taken aback by the inefficient use of space. Most of the inventions and products laid on the peripheries of the building, out of sight and unorganized. Meanwhile, the center of the floor was not even clear for movement of materials, with conveyor belts leading to nowhere and serving no apparent purpose bolted in the floor and taking up the bulk of the space. Listening to the chattering crew of Toads who were left in charge of the building, I overheard something about a wild party being hosted in the warehouse. Is this one of those new-age employee benefit packages? Flavio has heard that technology companies offer a variety of unusual perks for their employees, but, to host a party of such a large scale would paralyze the warehouse for the event’s duration. There is no sensible explanation for such an event in the old ways of thinking about business, but, perhaps it is time that the ideas of the youth are considered more deeply. Is it time that Flavio becomes a student of business? Should Flavio adapt to modern techniques? Would a party boost the morale of my own crews? In the world of business, creativity is essential, but just as essential is an awareness of what others are doing. If a good idea appears, it is imperative that you adapt it for your own purposes and use it, even if it should require setting aside pride.
Though the layout of the warehouse bothered me, I focused my attention back to my mission. Flavio was here to inspect the inventions that had made Gadd Science, Incorporated the leading technology company. Of course, I was first treated to a display of the company’s communication and entertainment devices. The Dual Scream, the Game Boy Horror, and the Game Boy Horror SP were designed, as the well-rehearsed Toad explained to me, to be personal assistants that also allowed for live video calls. Flavio was well aware of this, of course. This line of products had drawn significant buzz when it was first introduced. Hailed “the all-in-one digital assistant of the future,” the product line ultimately sold well but failed to displace the Mailbox SP and landline telephone as the preferred forms of long-distance communication for both business and the general public. It truly was a flawed venture from the start; simply considering the basic premise reveals that it has deep issues. Truthfully, who would desire a device small enough to comfortably carry that could function as a calendar, notepad, clock, music player, gallery, camera, encyclopedia, and communication device? As if the absurd thought that the public would want to have such a complex device with them at all times wasn’t enough, I discovered during my tour of the warehouse that there were plans to build cartridges that could add functions through the installation of additional software. The plans were shelved but were modified and turned into the company’s popular line of Gaddgets. Purchased and installed on the products in the Game Boy Horror line, these Gaddgets are simple, mind-numbing entertainment experiences. These games have continued to drive the sales of Dual Scream devices, and thousands participate in the daily ritual of staring at their small screens and repeatedly tapping them until they accomplish whatever task is set before them. It is a shame, really, to see these devices reduce men to unthinking cattle. While Gaddgets have been extremely successful and have turned Gadd Science, Incorporated into WarioWare, Incorporated’s chief competitor in the entertainment industry, I feel that something is not right about their introduction. Flavio knows business better than any other, yes, but Flavio also knows that it is the duty of merchants and businessmen to protect consumers. I cannot agree with, however much sense it made from a business perspective, the release and promotion of a product which has proven itself a detriment to society. Were it up to Flavio, who has interests of the common man in mind above even commercial interests, there would be no Gaddgets, Microgames, or any products of a similar nature.
The next line of products I was shown were those that the public most associates with Gadd Science, Incorporated. Vacuums and water pumps of all sorts and sizes sat in a pile. Though most of these products were never introduced to the mass market, most anyone with an elementary education knows of the unusual vacuums and pumps that the company produces. For those of you who may be puzzled by this, Flavio has an explanation. Nearly two decades ago, famed celebrities like Mario, Luigi, and Wario were featured using the products in an aggressive advertising campaign. While the company attempted to convince that the public that these devices had become indispensable tools which were critical in heroic adventures and saw use in elite social events like Mario’s much-discussed parties and some sort of grand fighting tournament, those who know the tricks of advertisers are not so easily fooled. Most likely, generous sums were paid to these celebrated plumbers for extensive photo shoots and teams of writers and special effects artists worked to create the “adventures” which were so widely reported in the news and gossip magazines. Of the water pumps, one was small enough to strap on one’s back and sat next to three boxes. The Toad who guided me on my tour through the warehouse extolled the virtues of this device’s “modular nozzles,” which he assured me made the product useful for a wide range of tasks. He slipped up, though, and mentioned that the product was one-of-a-kind, having been made specifically for Mario. Flavio was intrigued. If this product was truly made for the red-capped hero, why would he not have it? Though he squirmed under my gaze and attempted to skirt my questions, the Toad eventually yielded to Flavio’s attentiveness and determination. He explained that the product had been sent back for repair after it had a dangerous malfunction. While being used at another fighting tournament, the pump began spraying scalding hot water. After a number of fighters were burned by water which was intended only to drive them backwards, the device was sent to the warehouse for further inspection. Seeing the nervousness in the face of the Toad whose script was now in disarray and who was forced on the defensive, Flavio seized the opportunity and took control of the conversation. Thoroughly questioning the fungus, I was able to find out that most of these vacuums and pumps had been restricted from the mass market because they possessed dangerous defects. One vacuum was equipped with a bulb that sometimes flashed like a powerful strobe-light, leaving unsuspecting operators permanently blind and inducing seizures in those with sensitivity to flashing lights. Another vacuum, contained in an orb and intended for handheld use, was found to, somehow, attract only coins. Fearing the use of the product by a thief could land the company in legal trouble, Gadd Science, Incorporated shelved the product. Finally, a large water pump for firefighting purposes was found to cause extensive environmental disruptions. The unique chemical mixture in the pump, based upon a “natural liquid” which the Toad adamantly refused to identify, killed Poison Mushrooms and their close genetic relatives. While I lack the space to identify every issue which was presented to me, I can assure you that the additional stories I heard were no better than those I have presented. Safety standards for products in the research and development phase are disconcertingly lax at Gadd Science, Incorporated.
These displays and the other miscellaneous products I was shown, though, were not the most interesting parts of my investigation. You see, Flavio keeps his ears perked. Flavio listens closely to the conversations which are thought to be private but are nevertheless broadcast to all in the immediate vicinity of the participants. I heard, in the whispered tones, Toads discuss a number of concerning projects. When I confronted the Toads about these projects (Flavio was compelled to do so, the tales being so unusual), I was asked to leave. Information must flow from its sources, concealed and shying from scrutiny, to the public; Flavio is the conduit for this information. In the interests of the public, I must share that I heard of armored vehicles in development at Gadd Science, Incorporated. This “Battle Body” carries weapons and is equipped with armor and radar. Apparently tested in some event known as a “Super Duel,” this machine sounds destructive and dangerous. From the sound of it, one must reasonably conclude that Gadd Science, Incorporated has obtained military contracts. I would implore readers to pressure them to reveal the details of these projects, so that consumers may make informed decisions about which businesses they choose to support. In addition, I heard of a device that can turn its users invisible, and technologies that, either by transformation of matter into digital data and the reconstruction of the data into physical matter or by the direct connection of two distant locations in space, can revolutionize transport. Most concerning of all, though, was the talk of time travel and biological experimentation. Most of Gadd Science, Incorporated’s work is done out of the public eye, but who over the age of twenty in this land cannot recall the public spectacle that was made when the company revealed its time machine at the capitol. What happened during its first use was never made clear to the public, with abruptly cancelled press conferences and steadfast silence from the company and government, but all available evidence points to some sort of disaster following. Flavio shudders at the thought that this company might once again be working with time travel. Yet… even more concerning is the revelation that this project has been revived with the aim of sending some sort of protoplasmic life form back in time. That this company, which has proven itself to be so irresponsible in the past, is working to develop synthetic, gel-based life… it should worry every literate citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom.
While my tour was not particularly productive or interesting, I believe it has shined a light on Gadd Science, Incorporated. This company, though undoubtedly a driver of technological progress, has demonstrated an unwillingness to consider the ethical and social implications of its creations. Flavio cannot stand such behavior, the irreverence for the businessman’s role as a trustee for society. If the most accomplished among us cannot be trusted to safeguard us, we must demand a change. Respect, as Flavio does, Gadd Science, Incorporated, for its accomplishments, but do not forget that you, the humble consumer, are the masters of its executives. Under pressure for increased transparency and additional research into the social impacts of its technology, what choice will the company have but to comply?
|Southern Shoreline Home Overview|
|Property Type||Single Family Home|
|Square Footage (Building)||2864ft²|
|Square Footage (Lot)||10472ft²|
|Year Last Updated||N/A|
|Heating System||Heat Pump|
|Notable Materials/Features||Vinyl Exterior, Solar Panels, Pile Foundation, Gated Entrance, Cooking Pavilion, Solar Panels, and In-Ground Pool|
|Current Value (Type:Purchase Cost)|
|Value Trend (Type: Quarterly)||▼0.53%|
|Averages Years Owned|
The property located on the cliffside along the smaller of the two lakes in the Cascade Kingdom was built in X581. The property originally consisted of several apartment units which were bought out by a former instructor of the Completely Real Estate Academy. It took around five years each of the properties to be purchased even at the high prices the instructor was willing to pay due to the homes have been in some of their families for several generations. It was only due to the passing of several of the landowners that the final properties were able to be procured. After that, all structures were bulldozed much to the chagrin of the elder population and construction began.
Having lived in the cities for many years they wanted the isolation that the cities could not offer. This lead to them constructing a large stone wall around the property, which many of the citizens opposed and several took legal action to try and prevent the instructor from developing the land further and to have the property taken from them. The courts, however, did not find any fault with them and construction was allowed to continue despite opposition from nearly everyone around the property. Several individuals even tried to sue the construction company with what were found to be false allegations of malpractice. This only ended up driving the instructor to slow down the process. Eventually, though, the property was completed and they moved in after 6 years of legal battles.
After they had taken up residence many neighbors started filing noise complaints with the local law enforcement. As these complaints started piling up the city eventually fined the instructor, though this did not deter them. Eventually, the fines piled up to such a degree that they were forced to vacate the property and hand it over to the local government. Due to the trouble, they caused the local government to put the property on the market for a period of six months to try and find a potential buyer. If none could be found the property would be demolished and turned into a recreational area for the residents of the Cascade Kingdom.
Guide to the Property
This property was meant to have guests above anything else, so not much attention was given to the home at the center of the property beyond being a functional living space for its resident and occasional overnight guests. The two floor home consists of two beds and baths on the first floor with an unfinished second floor which was used primarily for storage during the tenant’s short stay. The exterior consists of vinyl siding used to mimic aged pine stained boards, the main feature of the home are its large windows used to capture a view of the extensive property.
The large carport next to the property is meant to accommodate six standard automobiles which are the reason for its great length when compared to the house. Due to the storms experienced by the area, the poles supporting the carport are buried six feet below the ground and anchored in concrete. On the opposite end of the structure are heavy duty waterproof shingles which have a guaranteed lifespan of 30+ years and meant to withstand winds of over 70mph. The driveway and base were also constructed to withstand extreme weather and are made of absorbent concrete capable of handling 264 gallons per minute.
Between the recreational and residential portions of the property exists a carefully curated garden consisting of a large hedge and accented by various native flowers. Ensuring a good noise barrier and that neither end of the property can be seen from another.
At the other end of the property sits a large pool and gazebo, both used extensively during the many social engagements of the previous tenant. The pool which is essentially two conjoined bodies of water features deep and shallow ends for any guests preference. The pool is equipped with chlorine dispensers which are set on an automatic timer and a filtration system which completes a feedback loop housed in the shallow portion in the middle of the pool. Beyond the water, itself exists plenty of space for beds for tanning or chairs for lounging as well as the occasional grill during barbeque season.
The gazebo is constructed in a similar manner to that of the carport in that it is meant to protect those seeking shelter in it from hazardous conditions. The gazebo sits on a bedrock foundation and surrounded by absorbent concrete in order to ensure structural stability in the event of a flash flood. The support beams are made from a wood substitute material and coated in weather-resistant paint to prevent chipping and other damage. Space itself is able to comfortably house 12 guests at once standing or 18 sitting on its freestanding benches.
The stone wall which surrounds the property was built from breccia that accumulated at the base of the cliff during various shelving events. The stones themselves are secured by a sand based mortar which allows water to flow through the structure and not fall prey to rushing waters from higher points on the cliffside. The gate itself is unlocked by automatic sensors similar to a garage door opener and contains sconce floodlights to help accent the marble and sandstone pillars. The gate is also constructed from cherry wood, which while beautiful to look at does sacrifice structural stability.
Realah T. heavily encourages potential buyers to invest in the property very soon as it is in danger of disappearing from not just the market soon, but from the very land, it is on. Even though it is a high price it does have much more to offer than others within its price range and similar areas. So if you have the capability and are looking for something more within the same city or perhaps a new environment gives Realah T. a call today at (868) 259-7325.
|The 'Shroom: Issue 139|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner• Strategy Wing|
|Front Page About Archives Comments Subscribe Spotlight Contact us Manual of Style Sign up |