The 'Shroom:Issue 134/Fake News
Hello, 'Shroom readers! MCD has been very busy this month, so I'm continuing the nonstop trend of subbing in for someone, in this case two teams both for May. Help me.
I don't have much to say, as is the fate of the seat-warmer. So I hope you enjoy Fake News for this month, and get ready to see MCD's ugly mug back here next month!
Section of the Month
King K. Rool
The DK Crew were throwing a massive party earlier. Now, some of you might think this is a strange way to start an obituary, but I have my reasons. The reason that they were throwing a party is because their arch-enemy King K. Rool has found dead earlier this month.
He was found by one of his main generals, Klump, which is why the report of his death is so delayed. Autopsy revealed that King K. Rool had actually been dead for seven months, but it turned out that Klump thought he was just sleeping in. And when the large stench started seeping through the door, Klump thought that the toilet was clogged and that it would eventually sort itself out.
It is not yet known how King K. Rool died, but the DK Crew were quick to rules themselves out. “We were here getting ready for a party for all these months, we hadn't seen him for a while. Not that we particularly minded, we actually got to eat a banana uninterrupted for once.”
Suspects like the Tiki Tak Tribe and the Snowmads were quickly ruled out, mainly because they were uninteresting copies of the Kremlings, and it wouldn't be an interesting case if it was found out to be one of them.
Now some say that King K. Rool kept to himself, and led a quiet life, unfortunately the only two people who were willing to collaborate these claims, Captain K. Rool and Baron K. Roolenstein had mysteriously disappeared. When Klump was asked about their disappearances he said he thought “the king dressed up good sometimes.”
The Kremlings have since gone into mourning for their king, but rumour has it that they are planning a large-scale invasion of DK Island to steal the bananas soon in honour of their fallen ruler. That and they like potassium.
TV Tomorrow is back again, brought to you once again by your local expert on fictional television, Quizmelon. As usual, there will be many, many programmes to watch over the remainder of May and the beginning of June up until Issue 135, but also as usual, I will only be focusing on those that air tomorrow. So let’s get started with the top three shows!
New: Discovering the Snow Kingdom with Mario MKBC2, 8pm Genre: Travel documentary In this brand new documentary series, everyone’s favourite hero Mario explores the wildlife, landscape, and peculiar quirks of the Snow Kingdom. He journeys from place to place across eight episodes, discovering mysterious stories and learning unusual facts. In this episode, he sees the higher up parts of the Kingdom, looking down on the wintry views.
MORTON Koopa Troop TV, 10.30pm Genre: Spy drama The finale of Series 5 of this spy drama airs tonight, centring on Morton Koopa Jr, leader and best agent of MORTON, the Multi-Organisational Reconnaissance Team Obstructing Nastiness. In this thrilling episode, Morton gives chase through Grumble Volcano in a deathly car race that could end in a fiery tragedy for either side. Great for action lovers.
Sarasaland Open MKBC Sports, all day Genre: Sports This major tennis competition sees some of the greats compete against each other in an all-out, smash-each-other-to-bits competition in the heart of Sarasaland. Surrounded by garish neon scenery, tomorrow’s quarter-final matches will involve Mario vs Wario, Boo vs Yoshi, Bowser vs Luigi, and Chain Chomp vs Toad.
That’s about it for today, so I hope you enjoy all your television-viewing pursuits. One last thing - all the major networks have been given a brilliant deal that gets them over 50 million coins each. The only thing is that they have to devote an entire day of programming to Luigi’s favourite shows. So, it looks like Luigi will be at the focus for my next column. Until then, goodbye!
In my short time as your guide to the world of business, I have taught you the entrepreneurial tactics necessary to find success in the frigid Fahr Outpost, I have settled the debate on the infamous Psycho Kamek, and I have warned you of the shifty Hinopio and his ridiculous market. Yes, there is no doubt that Flavio has pushed the boundaries of commercial reporting, separating fraud from brilliance. Yet, for the sake of his dear readers, Flavio has set out on a far more ambitious project. In the past few years, no businesses have generated attention and gossip like the Marrymore Wedding Chapel and the Tangerino Grill. Rumors about these establishments have spread far and wide, the free publicity being a boon for their owners. As with all such talk, the fantastic and the accusatory have obscured the truth of the matter. Indeed, even unbelievable tales of living food rearing up and attacking patrons have reached my ears. To the skeptical, this tale is a mutation of marketing ploys about food being so fresh it seems alive and the like. To the cynic, all of this talk is being promoted by the businesses themselves, with the owners well-aware that the more unusual the story, the further it will spread. This situation is simply unacceptable; patrons have the right to know the truth about these businesses. In order to rectify this situation and defend the rights of the common man, Flavio will once again take up the role of investigative reporter and uncover the truth of the matter. In this two-part report, I will visit the Tangerino Grill and the Marrymore Wedding Chapel to evaluate them and discover just what truth lies in the rumors.
I began by heading to the Tangerino Grill on Prism Island. Now, this restaurant has always had a steady stream of customers, as passengers on the famed Sunset Express were always given an opportunity to stop and dine here as a part of their experience. Only recently, though, has the establishment achieved such a great degree of fame that visitors from all around the world flock to it. What caused this shift? Flavio does not know. The rumour mill has put forth theories about famous guests, a secret recipe, and even living meat. I have doubts about the latter story, but, every adventurer and trader knows the importance of keeping an open mind.
My first impression of the restaurant was positive; its exterior exuded a rustic charm. Though it seems that the architect lacked my sense of design, the rural look of the building is refreshing for a metropolitan diner like Flavio. Even with my refined palate, which has sampled the finest foods from around the world, I recognize the simple pleasures which can be found on a plate of country comfort food. The dining hall was dull, with the kind of uninspiring decor which Flavio strives to avoid. While the table spacing and lighting and all of that was effective, it was, how you say, a bore. A true designer like Flavio knows that customers must be amazed with a marvelous spark, a true bassa-boom that will make them remember the establishment at which they dine. A building is no mere container; it must shine with passion. Buildings reflect the character of their owners, which is why I build structures which exude energy and drive. Ah, but I digress, for it was not the decor or the spacious layout of the dining hall which shocked me, but the crowds within it. Never mind the guests packed around the dining hall’s few tables; there were throngs of Toads standing in the corners of the room, clamoring for seats and complaining about the wait. Flavio has never seen such a sight in a reputable establishment. In the bars of Rogueport this would be the norm, but unruly masses are intolerable in a proper restaurant. Worse than the lackluster decor and the crowds, though, was the food. It seemed that all of this fuss centered around pizza. A foodstuff of plebeians seemed to be fueling this restaurant's success! Every seated guest had fresh slices in front of them. Making my way through the crowds, it seemed all that I heard were complaints about the wait or praise for this pizza’s “unique taste” and “peculiar texture.” Flavio was outraged! This restaurant seemed to be a sham. I sought out the owner, parting crowds as I demanded to speak to him.
While the owner never showed, the head chef immediately rushed out of the kitchen to speak to me. I, ah, calmed myself and had a frank discussion with him. Let this be a lesson. When you take issue with someone, you must make like Flavio and have a reasoned discussion. Every discussion is a negotiation, after all. State your concerns with clarity and firmness, taking care not to allow inflamed passions to muddle your position. He must have recognized my great charm and skill, for he carefully listened as I voiced my concerns. He would occasionally interject to voice his agreement and understanding. Though a bit country and lacking a refined manner of speech, he quickly proved he had good taste. He praised my luxurious outfit, my intellect, and, as I told him my concerns with the restaurant's appearance, my keen sense of design. Figuring that someone with such taste ought to be a peer of Flavio, I decided to give his restaurant a second chance. He told me that, if I were looking to avoid the crowds, I could opt for the VIP dining experience. He offered it to me for free upon me telling him that I had come to review the establishment. Of course, being the epitome of a VIP, I accepted this generous offer, making a mental note that customer service may not yet be dead.
I found the VIP dining room much more palatable. It was a room for one and, while still perhaps not designed to my standards, was far more decorated than the main dining hall. The head chef sat with me for a moment, offering to answer any questions I might have. We had a productive conversation. He gave out information which he had before told a soul, such is the persuasive skill of Flavio. He admitted that there was a grain of truth in the story of the living meat, though the story had been subject to exaggeration. The meat was apparently the work of some villain who had enchanted it, and it was defeated by none other than the famous Mario. The silent plumber assisted me as I faced down the infamous Cortez and uncovered the mysteries of Keelhaul Key, so I am intimately familiar with the atypical happenings that seem to follow him. The owner also admitted that he had done nothing to snuff out the story of the meat or his celebrity guest, as they were a free source of publicity for the restaurant. For this, Flavio could not fault him. It is the nature of such a story, full of emotion and thrills, to hyperbolize. The owner asserted that it was not this fantastic story which had generated such intense interest in his restaurant, but the pizza which I had witnessed patrons devour in the main dining hall. Apparently, the restaurant staff stumbled on a new recipe and some new preparation methods for pizza around the time that the ornery beef plagued the restaurant. The owner stated that this new dish, dubbed Mama Mia Pizza, was so popular that it brought in a surge in customers which had yet to ebb. Flavio was skeptical. How could a pizza, such a lowly food, attract such a large number of patrons? Though I had reservations, the head chef convinced me to try a piece. When I agreed, he left for the kitchen, promising to personally prepare a Mama Mia Pizza from scratch.
As I waited for my meal, I began to grow anxious. The thought that pizza fueled the masses clamoring in the dining hall did not sit well with me. Flavio simply could not accept it! No matter what recipe or techniques, no pizza could ever satisfy a distinguished gourmet. I sensed something amiss, something beyond the rumors. Following my instinct, I proceeded, in secrecy, to the kitchen to observe the preparation of the pizza myself.
Flavio was appalled! Flavio was sickened! To my absolute disgust and horror, I found that the restaurant's so-called novel techniques for preparing pizza were crude and unsanitary. I witnessed Toads stomping on ingredients, bits of leather flaking from their shoes and mixing in with onions and mushrooms. Sweat dripped on the bowls of ingredients, soaking them in a putrid broth. Others in the kitchen staff jumped on knives to cut the ingredients. This is surely more sanitary, but to call it hazardous would be an understatement. Yet, the repugnant sight did not end there! Oh, such nauseating fungi! Such foul mockeries of food service professionals who make even the scent of a rotting durian pleasant in comparison! Toads struck dough and frying ingredients with filthy, cheap hammers. Wood, sweat, spores, and dirt of all kind made its way into the pizza throughout the whole process. Dozens of wrecked and dented pans lied piled up in the corner of the room, a graveyard of not only maimed iron, but also the very fabric of trust between patron and chef! My thoughts drifted back to patrons discussing the “unique taste” of the pizza… Before I attracted attention, either through sickness or an enraged outburst, I rushed out of the kitchen and out through the backdoor of the establishment.
Once again, Flavio has separated fiction from the facts which it conceals. The Tangerino Grill is unsafe, unsanitary, and unethical. That there are likely still patrons dining on that wretched pizza hurts me. It is so hard on Flavio to imagine the masses who still eat at the restaurant while waiting for someone else to report it to health officials. Alas, I must simply sit in the comfort of my room on this luxurious cruise liner while making myself ill with concern waiting for some bold citizen to take action. To my dear readers, I advise you to avoid the Tangerino Grill at all cost, unless, of course, you enjoy the taste of filth. I can only hope that the Marrymore Wedding Chapel might prove less sickening…
Note From the Author: In regards to last month’s publication at the urging of Realah T.’s intern she needs to come clean. The Rose Town Inn did not mysteriously burn down several years ago. She was an employee at another firm at the time and a rival was in charge of selling the property. She made the move to sabotage them and move up the ladder. Realah T. offers her apologies and promises she has turned herself around and hopes you enjoy this month’s Selling Out.
Sometimes it can be hard to get a business going, the market can be too tough, prices too high, unfavorable interest rates too. It can seem like there is no hope of finding any solid ground. Lucky for you Realah T. the Mistress of Mansions and Baroness of Businesses, has a deal for you. On the western side of a promising city, a bar and club have recently been put up for sale. It was pretty popular and if it stays out of business the locals are gonna be pretty pirate. Whether you like staying out late, or getting up before Don this place is perfect for you.
The bar was first built during the height of what is now known as the Rogueport Sewers (which can only be said comparatively). It is said that a Twilighter who was seeking refuge from a gang of Duplighosts came to the then barren corner of the world. They proceeded to build themselves a new life here which centered around the bar. For several generations from parent to child, the keys were handed down. When the new city of Rogueport was built the original location was demolished, though there are rumors that the remains of the building were used to build the current club. It is now located in the heart of the West Side. After many generations, the former owner decided to retire and hand off the keys to a new generation instead finding favor in traveling the world and pursuing their passion for photography.
Even though the structure is very old, it has been outfitted with all the latest wiring and equipment and stands above the bar as compared to other locations. The lighting and music can be somewhat spotty at times due to the integrity of the structure being preferred above all else. Even in those moments of a rare flicker, it's hard to bottle up the joy this place has brought generations of patrons.
Upon entering the first thing you’ll notice is the massive shelves behind the bar which contains ingredients for every mixed drink under the sun. Twelve boards running wall to wall only interrupted by the entrance behind the counter hold up what could lead to a good or bad time, your pick. The hardwood that accents the entire building, the bar especially won’t be scratched easily no matter how rowdy the crowd or the employees.
In the kitchen, perhaps the most useful amenity is the deep fryer. After a night out people will be looking towards an easier morning. Using a patented grease collection and disposal system the amount of required cleanings has been cut down considerably and fried the chances of malfunctions. Other things to note are the dual fridge/freezer combo and dry pantry. Though this isn’t what the customers will be coming for.
Perhaps the heart of the experience on the flip side of the establishment is the dance floor which makes up roughly a quarter of the space. With the cost of operation, you too will be tapping your feet. The system which runs into its own generator ensures a fail-safe in case of a power outage. All it requires is a bi-weekly refill of fuel which can be imported by the Syndicate, for a share of the profits, of course. Though much more comes from that too. A karaoke machine and DJ machine are provided for the use of patrons or hired talent if an event comes to town. Each is fitted with master controls in case things get too out of hand and an unskilled customer tries to have everyone dance all night to the “best song ever.”
The only restoration that may be needed on part of any potential owner is the supply closet or restroom. Nobody is really sure what it is at this point. Other than that the structure has been kept in pristine condition and further additions can easily be made by contacting the Syndicate if any problems social, structural, or electrical arise.
Your only competition may come from Podley’s Place just down the block, though it attracts a different sort of crowd. The editor of Foppish Gourmet Weekly has been seen around here, perhaps he may be able to give you more advice about your practices. It won’t be long before this offer leaves the Docks so be sure to call Realah T. today at (868) 259-7325.