The 'Shroom:Issue XXXVII/Director's Notes
Hello readers, I am your cool sub-director Tucayo. Welcome to this issue’s Sub-Director Notes.
I discovered the answer to the greatest mystery of the Mario series. To wit: Why doesn't Peach ever get better guards?
I was pondering this mystery yesterday. However, I wasn't making any progress, so I did the obvious thing and ordered plane tickets to Tibet.
In Tibet, I located a likely (unlocked) looking building, and walked in. I discovered that I had come into a Buddhist Monastery. After performing the customary ritual of introduction for American tourists (talking loudly in English, taking photographs without permission, and breaking things), I stopped some guy who was passing in the hallway, and asked him my question. For some reason, he kept trying to get past me, so I hit him on the head with a conveniently placed Ming Vase. After that, he was much more cooperative, but unfortunately, he didn't know the answer to my question. However, he was kind enough to tell me that the Buddha would know about it. He even pointed me towards the mountain that the Buddha lived on.
And so, after climbing a mountain in Tibet to ask the Buddha my question, I found out that the Buddha had been dead for about 1.5 thousand years. Oops!
Uh, so anyway...
The real reason is that if Peach had better guards, Mario would never get any underwear.
See, Mario needs underwear. He used to live on Earth (we think), where most everyone wears underwear. Chances are good that he picked up the custom.
On the other hand, Toads don't need underwear, because they are mushrooms. I can't really go into much detail, because if I do, you'll never again be able to look at a Toad without being disturbed. So just trust me, they don't need it. Since they don't need it, Toads don't know how to make underwear. This leaves Mario in a bind.
The solution? Well, Koopas do wear underwear. This is well documented, but if you don't believe me, I have this image of fellow 'Shroom administrator Tucayo to demonstrate.
So every time Bowser kidnaps Peach (so he can sing to her), Mario sneaks into the Bowser's Castle Laundry Room®, and takes some of the underwear he finds there.
And this is the real driving force behind the entirety of the Mario series.
...so what about Peach's underwear? Uhm... go away. Perv.