The 'Shroom:Issue XCIII/Fake News
Well, it's that time of year again. What time of year? This time of year. Every year, at this time of year, the time of the year in which the year is coming to a close, I like to look back on the past year and see where I was last time it was this time of year, last year.
So, where was I last year?
Well, I was here, actually. Nothing's changed, really. For all I know, this is probably word-for-word what I wrote last year and I haven't even realised yet.
Speaking of what I wrote last year, the phrase "2014's probably going to be worse [than 2013]" seems almost prophetic. A Christmas miracle, if you will.
Have a good Christmas, and see you in 2015!
MARIO SWITCHES ON CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IN TOAD TOWN...AGAIN
The imaginatively named "Toad Town" is home to an estimated 50,000 Toads, 30,000 Goombas, and at least 13 hills with eyes, not to mention massive amount of other species. And other things with eyes. Like, clouds, and flowers, and those weird things that come out of the ground in Paper Mario. Toad Town is also the capital city of the Mushroom Kingdom, home to Princess Peach's castle.
However, turnout for the ceremony was at an all-time low - 36 people turned up, including Mario's brother Luigi, Princess Peach and Mario's former business associate Swanky Kong.
Many theories have been put forward as to why turnout was so low this year. We asked top scientist Kruss T., who replied "Why are you asking me? I'm a scientist. This has nothing to do with science." He later suggested that we should go ask people who actually lived in the town.
An elderly Toad who wishes to remain nameless
Wario, a 'close friend' of Mario, said "Hahaha! What a loser! I bet if they had the money to hire me, they'd do it in a heartbeat!"
Some have suggested that people are getting tired of Mario as an icon. A young Toad with a shouty voice told me "Mario's not cool enough! Down with the monarchy! Get someone like Bowser to do it! Down with the monarchy! Viva la revolución!"
Last year, as part of the Year of Luigi celebrations, Luigi was invited to turn on the Christmas lights. Originally, he took the Toad Town council up on their generous offer, but a few moments later, Luigi refused, after having 'discussed' the matter with his brother. And by 'discussed', I'm explicitly implying that Mario was in some way violent or forceful in making Luigi turn down the offer. But that's an implication, so I'm not actually saying it. Clever, right?
"I would've gone if Luigi turned on the lights," said a Goomba. "Well, actually, no I wouldn't. It's dumb and meaningless. There's a guy who turns on the lights in a Toad House somewhere nearby. Probably that one in the background of the picture you've used. Don't ask me how I know about the picture. Oh, and while I'm here, there probably isn't a Santa Claus. Merry Christmas, kids."
We would like to reassure all children that Santa Claus does exist. Here's a picture of him:
He can be found in Dream Events during December, and finding him will net you a sweet total of 300 Star Tokens. Thanks for reading, and have a great Christmas.
Christmas shopping has gotten a lot easier for Bowser this year, as Larry Koopa has died. Police were initially baffled as to where he had died, as blood was found in quite a few locations. This prompted them to open a further investigation into Bowser for the possibility of training child soldiers, after the blood was discovered to have come from fights.
Larry's siblings were all distraught upon hearing this news, though mainly it was because they had recently bought him a pretty damn expensive present. "Whilst it’s a shame to lose one of our siblings, it is more annoying that all the money we spent on his present has now gone to waste." When asked why showed a lack of empathy for Larry’s death, one of the Koopalings responded "Look at us, we’ve still got six left. It’s kinda hard to get upset when you have so many." Our interviewer decided that it was a pretty logical answer, and so he asked no further questions. Bowser's chief advisor, Kamek, was also interviewed following the death, "Can’t say I feel much sorrow for this event, at least I don’t have to waste my magic on moving freaking floors anymore for that kid. Maybe the others will let me use my magic for something worthwhile."
Following the aftermath of this, Bowser got it on with Sparkling Waters.so he could have another child soldier fight for him, and allow him to keep conquering eight worlds. "We don’t want Mario encountering me on the seventh world. Seven is a lucky number, if he fought me in the seventh world he might actually beat me for once." Larry’s personal Airship was kept as a small memorial for him, but when the high winds came it was discovered that it hadn't been tethered down very well and it has currently been blasted past the
Thank you to our various anonymous question people for questioning, and our readers for reading! If you seek my flawless advice, or wonder how I can perform various actions in text-format as if physics is just a clay play-thing, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page!
Have a Happy December, and New Year, and (as my section points out) either the snow and cold or heat and sand depending on your hemisphere, and whatever various holidays you may or may not be celebrating!! I know I'm gonna be taking advantage of the SWEET SALES and DISCOUNT CANDY!!!
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