The 'Shroom:Issue 195/Fake News

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Director's Notes

Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)

Shroom2022 WT.png

Open the curtains! What? We don't have the curtains on this page? Oh, that's only a main page thing, okay...

Hello there, Fake News readers! Welcome to our movie-themed summer special! We've got entertainment, we've got snacks, we've got, uh... Well, entertainment and snacks, what more do you need for a successful movie night?

Sport Report is taking another month off, but we do have some special things this month! In the spirit of the movies, I've written a News Flush as well as Reel News for you, because come on, I'm not going to advertise it and then not do it myself! There's also a special collaboration between myself and our Fun Stuff Director Roserade (talk), Bite-Sized Interview! Check out what the Awards Chairperson has to say about how things have been going this Awards season! (And don't forget to vote in the Awards this week! It's very important! Go!) We've got the rest of our regular sections too, including Mushroom Tribune, which has been renamed to Lucky Clover Gazette as Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) take to the villages of Hyrule for this month's report.

Are you interested in writing for Fake News? If you are, then you're in luck, because we're always on the lookout for new writers! If you're interested, check out the sign up page for information on how to apply! You can also write volunteer one-off sections with no application necessary, like News Flush or Reel News (we're still doing that even if it's not movie month)! Just send it to me privately and I'll help work everything out. Finally, don't forget that we're still accepting early submissions for Issue 200 if you'd like to get ahead of things!

Section of the Month

We've had a bit of a shake-up this month! First place is a tie between the ever-popular Quizmelon (talk) with TV Tomorrow and the continuation of the World Tour, and the latest installment of Dear Waluigi Time with hot tips on dealing with excessive plumbers, litter, and ruined formal wear. Following up those is yet another tie between the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown match of reigning champion Grunt vs. challenger Dimentio, and Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)'s coverage of Nabbit's controversial royal pardon in Mushroom Tribune. Thanks for voting, be sure to continue supporting our writers, and feel free to send them a quick message to let them know you enjoyed their section!

Place Section Votes % Writer
1st TV Tomorrow 13 30.23% Quizmelon (talk)
1st Dear Waluigi Time 13 30.23% Waluigi Time (talk)
3rd Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown 5 11.63% Waluigi Time (talk)
3rd Mushroom Tribune 5 11.63% Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)

News report / entertainment features
We've been duped!
Remember to vote! Wait, this isn't the Awards...
What if Rose was in the INTERVIEW BIN?
Lights, camera- hey, put that phone down!
Metal-Head Mario Can Move!
All the impact of a ton of bricks!
Time is running out!
Hooray for Hollywood!

News Flush

Written by: Walter G. Timeson (talk)

Controversy Over Film's Duplighost Duplicity

Artwork of Doopliss from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
Doopliss, the new star of The Toad Warrior 12.

Production of the latest entry in the popular The Toad Warrior franchise, The Toad Warrior 12, has found itself engulfed in controversy over the decision to cast theater actor Doopliss in the role of Veloci T., the franchise's main protagonist. The role was played in the first eleven installments by Zip Toad. Although he was slated to return in The Toad Warrior 12, contractual disputes over salary resulted in Zip Toad walking away from the project. The producers, in turn, approached Doopliss, who is well-known for using his shapeshifting abilities in theater productions, to take on the role and use his abilities to provide a near-indistinguishable imitation of Zip Toad.

Shortly after news of the casting broke, Zip Toad took to social media to criticize the move. He lambasted the producers, stating that "Toad Warrior would be nothing without me", and urged his fans to boycott the film. The producers released a statement themselves, saying that they would have liked Zip Toad to be part of the project, but that he walked away on his own, forcing them to do what was necessary to continue production. They have also noted that they are not trying to deceive the public and will not be using Zip Toad's name in any marketing materials for the film, and promised that he will still be compensated for the use of his likeness.

The issue has also sparked a debate over the ethics of shapeshifting in film. While Duplighosts have previously been cast in and used their shapeshifting abilities in cinematic productions before, those performances have been limited to imitations of deceased figures or taking on forms that did not resemble a real person. The case of The Toad Warrior 12, however, marks the first instance of a Duplighost imitating a still-living actor, the issue being exacerbated by Zip Toad not consenting to the use of his likeness. While the Mushroom Kingdom does not have any laws forbidding the practice, it has long been considered an unwritten rule to avoid doing so. Calls for regulation by the crown have been brought forward, although the specifics are controversial. The majority favoring regulations simply suggest requiring consent from the person being imitated. Others are more strict, suggesting a full ban on Duplighosts imitating living figures, with some even going as far as to suggest banning any use of the likeness of a real person, living or dead. The most extreme support banning the use of Duplighost shapeshifting from film entirely, and instead hiring other actors or more special effects artists in place of it. Still others oppose any regulations whatsoever, and leaving it to filmmakers to decide on an individual basis.

Regardless of opinions on the greater issue, most agree that the producers of The Toad Warrior 12 are in the wrong in this case due to Zip Toad's vehement objections to the move, and strongly suggest a different approach if the film is to go forward without him. Shine Sprite Studios and Doopliss have not responded to requests for comment.

The 'Shroom will continue to provide you with updates as the situation develops. This has been Walter G. Timeson reporting, and I am now out of time.

Lucky Clover Gazette

Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)

This article sourced from the Lucky Clover Gazette, a sister publication serving our sister kingdom, the Kingdom of Hyrule.

Campaigns Intensify as Hateno Mayoral Election Approaches

Reede (left) and Cece (right)

Efforts to win over voters by the two contenders in Hateno Village's mayoral election are intensifying as election day rapidly approaches, with both candidates sending their supporters door-to-door to win over undecided voters. For the first time in years, the mayoral position in Hateno Village, a small town in the East Necluda region, is being contested, with incumbent mayor Reede seeking to retain his office and secure a ninth term in light of a challenge from the up-and-coming politician and renowned fashion designer Cece. At the center of the debate between the two candidates is a question of culture and of the village's identity.

Prior to Cece's return last year to Hateno's Ventest Clothing Boutique, Hateno Village had long been known primarily as a sleepy, agricultural village, best-known for its slow pace of life and the high quality of its milk, cuts of meat, grains, fruits, and vegetables. Within the past year, however, the fungi-inspired Cece-brand fashion line has brought considerable attention to Hateno, which has acquired a reputation as Hyrule's premier fashion destination. The effects of this shift are visible within the village, which boasts sculptures and other art installations inspired by Cece's designs, and many residents and visitors wear Cece-brand outfits even as they conduct their daily business. Other residents have criticized these installations, and the new emphasis upon fashion and the clothing industry in the village. Chief among these critics has been Mayor Reede. It was in defiance of his criticisms that Cece launched her campaign for the mayoral office, with a representative of her campaign, Sophie, explaining the following:

Why is Cece running...? Hold on a second... Let me start from the top... Cece is running for a future in which Hateno Village is the fashion capital of Hyrule. The village won't grow and survive if there's nothing to attract anyone here, and boring vegetables in the dirt won't get anyone to come visit. That's what she says... The future prosperity of the village rests on shaping trends, not following them, and the current mayor is so stuck in the past that he's holding Hateno Village back from doing that. It's time for a change, and we need someone who can keep us on the cutting edge of culture, and that someone is Cece. Was that okay...?

For his part, Mayor Reede has campaigned on a platform of stability and retaining Hateno's longstanding identity, sending a message to voters that, while fashion trends are fickle and subject to change, there will always be a need for high-quality agricultural outputs. His campaign has emphasized the message that farming has secured the livelihoods of those in Hateno for generations.

As the campaigns have intensified, Cece's supporters have attracted controversy for reportedly distributing Hylian Shrooms to potential voters throughout the village, with some Reede supporters casting the act as bribery and vote buying. We spoke to one self-proclaimed undecided voter named Manny, asking if the mushroom-distribution scandal had affected his view of either candidates.

Well I haven't seen anyone saying that their votes were being bought. As far as I know, these mushrooms are being given out freely. Don't think there's any law against that. I s'pose it's a good campaigning move. Everyone associates Cece with mushrooms, and all this fuss the mayor's raising does make me wonder if he's stuck in the past. Even with all of that, I'm not sure who I'll vote for. She was wearing Cece-branded clothes, but... Uh! I mean, a friend of mine was saying she's seen a lot of Cece's clothes around the village!

For a local perspective on this unfolding election, we turn to our Hateno Village correspondents, Hodsyin and Shoentino.

Shoey Before I begin, I must say I like Reede. I respect him, but when I look at him, all I see is the past. A bygone era of farmers growing the finest vegetables in all of Hyrule. A proud tradition and something to have pride in, for sure. But the fact is that, in this modern world, agriculture just isn't the appeal it used to be. There was a time where people would travel from miles just to purchase our vegetables, just to try and learn how to grow vegetables as well as we can. But those days have passed, and, as sad as it may be, the facts remain. It is time we adapt, lest we wind up as a town full of spirits cursing the modern world. That's why I support Cece, because she looks towards a fashionable future. Already since she's returned, tourism has gone up dramatically. People from all over the kingdom flock to purchase her beautiful designs. Wagons stocked to the brim with designer clothes leave so often we can barely keep up with the demand. The dye shop reports unprecedented business. It's all thanks to Cece; it's all thanks to her brilliant trendsetting designs. The future of this village isn't in the dirt. There's nothing sexy about the dirt. The future of our village is as Hyrule's number one fashion hub! Think about people traveling from all over just to get Cece's stamp of approval, people setting up shop to try and learn from Cece, setting up shop to compete against her (as futile as that might be)! Cece's designs are the future. Cece's designs are the trendsetter; they are the hottest thing in all of Hyrule. It's time we as a village fully embrace both her and this village's destiny!
Hooded Pitohui Now, Shoentino, I'm just a simple Hylian living a simple life. I give my prayers to Hylia, I don't stick my nose where it don't belong, and I get up when the Cuccos crow to tend to the flock, just like my pappy did, and just like his grandpappy did. And I tell you, Shoentino, all this fashion business ain't gonna make a living nobody can rely on. I ain't minding the clothes, not even minding the sculptures, but ousting Reede for someone with pie-in-the-sky ideas about the village's future? That's a step too far. Reede's a good man, hard-working man, and he knows as well as anyone that the village's future ain't in the sky, but in the dirt. Say we elect Cece. What're we gonna be doin' this time next year when it's some Gerudo glowing outfits that everyone's flocking to? Don't go mishearing me. I reckon Cece's good at what she does and all, but what she does ain't what the village needs. Hateno needs a leader who'll work with the farmers to improve yields and breed new strains, who knows the merchants who take these crops and eggs and milk off our hands. We worked hard to build this up. Let's not go tossing away what's kept us all fed, housed, and clothed for some fancy-looking duds.

Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick

Bite-Sized Interview

Written by: Waluigi Time (talk) and Roserade (talk)

Jason "Welcome, welcome! We're back with the show with biting remarks and the questions that gnaw at you! Get ready because this is a Bite-Sized Interview that's definitely not going to suck! And now your host, heeeeere's Count Numberman!"
Count Numberman

"Thank you, Jason! Vow, vhat a vonderful audience! Great to be here for you all once again. So, I must confess, I had a bit of a run-in vith the law this veek. Yes, it's true. You see, I vas at the local cyber cafe, vhere I ate part of a hard drive. Now, apparently this is frowned upon, because then security comes out and yells at me. Naturally, I turn into a bat and fly avay, ah ah ah! Unfortunately my escape vas short-lived and I got caught vith a butterfly net. So I say to them, I say, vhat, all I vanted vas a giga-bite!"

Pionpi (ba-dum *tsk*)
Count Numberman

"Ah ah ah! That didn't actually happen, by the vay.

Anyvay, let's get started vith tonight's Bite-Sized Interview! Tonight's guest is someone you may know quite vell. From The 'Shroom's Fun Stuff Director to serving multiple terms as its Sub-Director, our guest has now taken on the leadership of the Avards Committee. Please velcome to the show... Roserade!"

Count Numberman

"Velcome Roserade, it's a pleasure to have you on the show."

Roserade "Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here!"
Count Numberman

"So I believe ve are all familiar vith your vork on The 'Shroom. You have long played the role of the underling, the Igor, if you vill. Tell me, vhat inspired you to step into a leadership role with the Avards Committee?"


"Would you believe it was because of a leadership vacuum?

Nah, not exactly, but in very preliminary conversations for the season, there were a lot of people who had interest in leadership for the committee, yet were uncertain about the time that and energy they had to commit to such a large role. We all talked it through, and gathered a sense that what we were looking for was a more "conglomerate" leadership form, with one person really serving as the organizer while everyone else filled in responsibilities for the committee. Ultimately, I volunteered to run as the guy in the Chairperson's... chair, because I was really passionate about the ideas we were putting forth and wanted to be that organizer for the committee.

It is the first time I've stepped forward from just a sub-director position for anything in this community, but the experience has been very rewarding, and I could not have done it without everyone else being just as open to spreading responsibilities across their plates. It's been remarkably nice to have that support network in place."

Count Numberman

"I see, I see. Since you mention it, there has been a lot more responsibility spread across the committee than in previous years. This is part of that idea of conglomerate leadership, yes?"


"Yeah, there's been a number of adjustments as people have volunteered their time and their strengths. Certain people have taken on the responsibility of Discord server organizers, putting in brainrot emojis when we need them; others have agreed to be community engagement aficionados, and have been looking for ways to get more active and passive engagement alike; and some people have even full-on grabbed responsibilities that have been historically only Chairperson tasks.

Everyone has been doing amazing work for this committee, but I have to give an extra shoutout to committee member Lakituthequick, who has been masterfully managing meetings, agendas, and forum threads and projects. He has been an absolute boon, and I'm very thankful for his work."

Count Numberman

"Do you think this vill make leading the Avards Committee easier in the future? For many years now, the position of Avards Chairperson has been seen as a rather intimidating position vith how much effort goes into planning the festivities, I believe."

Roserade "Yeah! I mean, I don't actually think what we practiced this year is really too much different than what has happened in past years. I haven't been privy to those processes, but I imagine that there was a lot more coordination behind-the-scenes than was publicly facing. So it's fully possible that this route didn't objectively change very much - but I believe that the more public nature of this arrangement will be encouraging for people looking to be Chairperson in the future. If nothing else, I hope this committee has shown what a network leadership for this project, or really any other project, can be! It can be intimidating to take on a position like Chairperson, but trust me when I say that people have got your back."
Count Numberman

"Vell, sometimes appearances can be everything! Now then, I've been looking at the numbers, I'm a big fan of numbers, you know. I've noticed that there are quite a few less avards than there vere last year, vhy is that?"

Roserade "Oh, I know how you like numbers! The main project of the committee this year was to feed off of the community energy and ensure that the awards season was sustainable for what everyone could contribute. As part of that, we committed to trimming the number of awards. When the presentation period rolls around, we depend on our community members to make presentations for all of those awards. What we observed moving into this year is that the number of awards last year (which was, mind you, boosted higher than the number in 2021) was not ultimately sustainable, so we moved to trim. I think this helped up with our award ideas anyway. There wasn't a pressure to fill in more slots, so we were able to "trim the fat", as it were, and do away with award ideas that we weren't as happy with anymore."
Count Numberman

"Ah, smart choice. You vouldn't vant the pool of presenters to be sucked dry, ah ah ah!"

Pionpi (ba-dum *tsk*)
Count Numberman

"Ahem, anyvay. Vhat vould you say, overall, are the changes you are most enthusiastic about this year?"


"The awards number is certainly one of them, but I have a few more to gesture towards!

The first one is our adjustment to the awards schedule. Our Mario and Fail Awards polls are only going to be up for two weeks, while Community (which releases today!) will only be available for one. There's two main effects in this. Firstly, the Community Awards are very low voter-bases, so when people are voting multiple weeks in them, it can cause a very quick imbalance of votes. I should also note, though, that you can vote for up to four candidates in the Community Awards, so there'll be lots of chances to spread the love!

The second effect of this is the fact that presenters now have a bonus three weeks of worktime for their presentations!! It really is a good thing to have that space for them, and we're hoping that it results in a healthier presentation work period for everyone involved.

The other thing I'll want to gesture towards... Well, it's a secret, Count! You'll have to find out what it is the day of the ceremony!"

Count Numberman

"Ah, secrets, you say? Vell, if anyone needed more reasons to attend, there you go.

So, the Avards Committee is quite the interesting bunch of characters this year. Vhat's it like for you to vork vith them?"

Roserade "I love this group of users. The people who are on the committee this year are fully in it for this community, willing to pour in hours of time and occasionally messed up sleep schedules to make it happen. And it's just been really fun! Awards meetings are almost always funny at one point or another, be it because of the absurdity of the argument or the "Same hat!" nature of some of our joking."
Count Numberman

"Do you have any particularly interesting or memorable moments vith the committee that you'd like to share?"


"Oh, there's been so many. So, so many.

For now, one thing I'll highlight is the formation of the bin terminology. With how many polls were in consideration for keeping or cutting, it was very fun to voice what we were "sending to the bin." And :bin: is a good emoji

Actually though, I think my favorite moment was the Mr. Electric moment, where, at the end of a long meeting, everyone started making parodies of the classic line from Sharkboy and Lavagirl, "Mr. Electric, send him to the Principal's Office and have him expelled!" That was a great treat.

AND! Or should I say, &! You should've seen the discussion we had about "and" or "&" at our last meeting of the entire season. It's... something else, sometimes."

Count Numberman

"Sounds like quite the unique experience, being on the committee. Something for everyone to consider for the future, eh?

Now, ve are almost out of time, but I vant to ask you one more question. In the past few years, it seems there's been campaigns that have popped up, trying to band voters together to influence the results. The reception to these has been rather mixed, vhat is your personal opinion on them?"


"Oh boy, are you asking me about that Waluigi Time guy? Look, I'm not accepting his bribe money again. We can't just make every poll option on Worst Enemy "Porcupuffer". It's not honest!

But actually, I don't mind them! I think they add a fun element of engagement during the awards season, and sometimes they even produce results! I say, feel free to encourage others, but don't go too overboard, of course!"

Count Numberman

"Personally, I'm not too fond of them, but I may just be bitter because getting any avards for my kind is rather farfetched. No one vould pay any attention to Vote Kurokyura for Favorite Enemy, after all.

Anyvay, that's all the time we have. There are definitely lots of things to be interested about this Avards season, and we're only just getting started, it would seem! Once again, thank you Roserade for coming on the show."

Roserade "Thanks for having me, Count! Make sure to vote in the polls and sign up for presentations, everyone!"
Count Numberman

"Yes, vhat he said. And be sure to tune into the Avards ceremony! August 11th, mark your calendars!"

Dear Waluigi Time

Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: MightyMario, Hooded Pitohui, and Flygon64


Dear Waluigi Time,

Zerris and I love to watch movies. However, we always end up arguing over what to watch due to there being SO MANY options. Is there a way to streamline and simplify the way we pick movies to watch without a war?

Yours truly, Cayde.

The answer is... randomness! Can't argue over what to watch when the decision is entirely out of your control, now can you? Well, I guess you can, but I don't know why you'd want to. That would be weird.

There's plenty of generators online that you can use to get something random. All you need to do is maintain a working list of everything you think either of you might want to watch ever, save that somewhere, and then when it's movie time, copy and paste it into the generator so it picks what to watch for you! Pretty great, right? (This advice also works if you just hate making decisions!) You could also just assign everything its own number and use a random number generator instead, or even roll some dice for a convenient low-tech option. Please note that you'll need multiple dice or maybe those fancypants tabletop ones unless you only like watching six movies.

But if you don't like pure random chance, how about diving into the world of artificial intelligence? You can train it on whatever you want to have a more controlled experience, while still not having to make the decision. You'll have to figure it out yourself, though. It's a bit more complex than a newspaper column can handle, and also, I don't entirely understand it myself! (And no, I'm not loaning Shbig out. His taste in movies is terrible anyway.)

Although, I do suggest that you both establish that rerolling isn't allowed, and whatever comes up first is what you watch. Otherwise, there's inevitably going to be arguments on whether to reroll, and that kind of defeats the point of all this.

Happy watching!


It's a common problem. You go to the theater, and it seems like there's always someone who has their phone out! They're either checking their messages or they're even recording videos of themselves, these days.

You've surely been there before, haven't you? When the theater staff won't say something, how do you handle it, Waluigi Time?

-A Distressed Moviegoer

Dealing with phoney baloney, huh? Personally, I just ignore it, but don't worry, there's plenty of good ways to be a backseat theater usher!

You could simply confiscate the phone. Something that gives you some extra reach, like an Ultra Hand or a fishing rod, is a good way to take a phone away from any annoying theater patrons. If you want to be more clever about it, get an usher's uniform and impersonate an employee! They'll have to comply with a request from apparent "theater staff", probably. It doesn't even have to match the actual uniforms they use, it's pretty dark in there. Just make sure to return the phone when the movie's over, because if you don't, that's unethical. And also illegal.

If you'd like to take a more obnoxious route, since they're ruining your experience, ruin their experience! Make a lot of noise! Yell, or turn on your own phone and play music over the movie, or loudly comment on every single thing that happens in the film. If you're feeling extra vindictive, spilling something on them by "accident" when you walk by is another option. Please note that if you have any shred of dignity, doing any of this makes you significantly worse than the person annoying you in the first place, and also everyone will hate you and you'll probably get thrown out of the theater. But you do you.

Or, you know, just go to showings during off hours when there will likely be less people there. That works too.

Enjoy the movie, hopefully!


It's a common annoyance. I go to the theater, start to record the movie with my phone. Then, some bozo starts bugging me about how I shouldn't be using my phone, yaaaarghhhh!!! It's the same distressed moviegoer every time. It seems like they're following me now! Their sense of morality has driven them mad. They'll go through any lengths and means to uphold their justice. I see them crawling on the walls of the theaters, always hidden in the corner of my eye. Watching. Always watching. Watching, mamma mia!

It's so annoying, it makes me want to throw hammers. I want to throw hammers at them so I won't be so annoyed. I want hammers to hit their head so they'll stop being annoying. It would make me happy, I'm unhappy, being happy would make me happy.

Soooo like, Waluigi Time, how can I make them, like, stop following me? Your help would be appreciated :3

-Potato Sock Muncher, a very annoyed moviegoer

The problem is you're not stealthy enough! If you turn on your phone in a dark movie theater, of course someone's going to see you. Don't worry though, I'm a trained ninja.

What you need is a special helmet so that you can use your phone inconspicuously! This can be easily made with just four household objects. All you need is a bicycle helmet, some tape or glue, a pair of scissors, and any rectangular box big enough to comfortably fit your phone, but small enough that you don't look really stupid. Maybe an empty candy box or something. First, you'll want to cut a hole in the box where the camera would be when you put your phone inside. Depending on how the box is constructed, you may want to cut an additional flap so that you can put your phone inside easily. Next, attach the box to the front of the helmet with your preferred adhesive. This part is important, make sure that the hole in the box is pointed away from your face! Now you should have the perfect headgear to use your phone without suspicion. Just get things started and slide it in!

If any distressed moviegoers bug you about it, make sure to have a good excuse ready. Something like "I have a sensitive noggin" or "this is the latest fashion trend in (insert your preferred foreign nation here)" or maybe "I need it to protect me from zombies!" should work just fine.

Just don't record the Waluigi Time Cereal movie when it comes out, okay? I can't afford not to make money back on that...

Write me again if you need more ninja training!

Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!

Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown

Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)

"Okay bub, I'm letting you off easy this time since all bets were off anyway after that whole world ending mishap. I'm not going to be so charitable on the next screw-up, understand?"

"Oh no, it's you again. What do you want this time?"

"I want this one to win. And make it happen this time, alright?"

"Huh. That's not the one I would've picked."

"That's the whole point, you purple palooka."

Welcome back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where the world literally ends if the match doesn't go the way you wanted it to! I'm your host, Waluigi Time. We had a little mishap last month, but as you can probably tell by everything existing, that's all cleared up now. Turns out that rollback attachment on my broom is good for something after all! Who knew. Anyway, we're back in business with a new set of fighters that won't cause the apocalypse this time!

I hope.

Our first fighter is one deserving of a cool reception, the Monarch of the Antarctic, the Sultan of the Snow, PENGUIN KING!


Not only has the Penguin King joined the fray, but we've allowed a few extra penguins to come along as well to hurl snowballs at his opponent! After all, what's a king without their subjects, right? Besides, when your main attack is throwing snowballs... Yeah, you're gonna need some help. But don't count the penguins out just yet! They may be flightless, but they're still slippery, and can slide around the arena to escape blows or go in for a direct collision. A tricky move like that can catch an opponent off-guard and pierce through their defenses, so better watch out!

And our second contestant for today is none other than the Plumber of Steel, the Heavy-Hitting Hero, METAL MARIO!

An alternate version of Metal Mario's artwork, from Mario Kart 7.

It's Mario, but metal. Kind of self-explanatory there. He's everything you'd expect from Mario, but encased in a much tougher shell! He's a lot heavier than regular Mario, so he isn't quite as acrobatic, but who needs that when you're so much tougher? His hits are stronger and it's really hard to scratch that metal surface. He's also immune to any pollutants in the air, although I don't expect that to be a factor in this match unless the Penguin King has some wild tricks up his sleeves. Beware the metal man!

So, predictions! I mean, it's gotta be Metal Mario, right? It's a known fact that the steel is mightier than the snowball, and I don't expect those to do much to Metal Mario. Now, maybe the penguins' sliding attacks could trip him up, and if anything's the key to victory for Penguin King, I think it's going to be those. It's not an impossible battle by any means, but if you ask me, Metal Mario has the edge here. Clang. But hey, let's get into the ring and see for ourselves!

Alright! The Penguin King and his allies start the fight by mercilessly pelting Metal Mario with a barrage of snowballs! Unfortunately for them, Metal Mario does not yield and charges forward! With a swing of his metal fist, he punches Penguin King, sending him sliding back across the ring! He's really going for the gold, literally. Let it be stated that Metal Mario does not need to knock out any of the other penguins to win the match, only the king himself! Penguin King's subjects aren't very happy though, and continue to toss snowballs at Metal Mario. But now they're doing it angrily! He's just ignoring most of the snowballs and punching some others into snow dust. What a trooper.

Penguin King gets back up, and seeing that his original tactics aren't working, commands his subjects to change it up! The penguins scatter around the ring, though Metal Mario keeps his attention firmly placed on the king. The Penguin King gives the command to charge, and the penguins slide toward Metal Mario from all ends of the ring! There's a full-on collision imminent! But as they draw near, Metal Mario jumps into the air and lands on one of them - get that guy to a chiropractor, ouch - and others collide with each other! It's a penguin traffic accident! The horror!

Metal Mario charges towards Penguin King once again while the rest of the penguins try to recover! Wait a minute, it looks like he suddenly can't move, for some reason! What a weird thing to happen. He's trying all he can but it's as if he's glued to that spot on the floor! Time to recall the Metal Cap, maybe? Penguin King takes advantage of the odd situation though, and slides right into Metal Mario! Pow! He keeps doing it again and again, and the other penguins catch on once they recover and join in! They just keep going for it, until finally, Metal Mario falls to the floor KOed! What an upset! Penguin King is the winner!

Well, that was unexpected. And weird. Weird and unexpected! Yep... Aaanyway, thanks for tuning in, and if you have any suggestions for who you want to see next time, be sure to let us know! See you next time!

"Well... That magnet definitely worked. How am I supposed to get out of this, Shbig? It's no fun if the matches are rigged..."

"Have you considered going to the authorities?"

"Oh yeah, like that ever ends well. C'mon, I need a GOOD suggestion."

"I suppose if you were to intentionally organize a match that would damage the building beyond repair, that could give you a legitimate excuse to stop running it. And it could be a nice insurance claim."

"Hey, that's not a bad idea! Wait... I was supposed to buy insurance for Smackdown?"

"Oh no..."

TV Tomorrow

Written by: Quizmelon (talk)

Right, uh, slight hitch to the regular running operations of TV Tomorrow this month, I’m afraid, let me explain the circumstances. You remember how at the end of last month my World Tour was slated to continue at the Violet Gamma Cinema Complex? Well, I went there yesterday to set up the tech and all that. Everything was going more or less smoothly until the owner, this weird gangly guy with the creepiest moustache, suddenly ran out of the room, locked me inside the theatre, and bricked up the door. Now don’t worry, this doesn’t mean the World Tour performance here isn’t going ahead, though you’ll need to find another way inside the cinema (and if you do, please do let me know how you did it, and if it’s possible to escape the same way). Unfortunately what it does mean is I haven’t been able to watch any of tomorrow’s TV this month. As a substitute, I’ve spent the past 24 hours I’ve been stuck here so far watching the films they have here at the cinema, which are helpfully all from the Mario universe, surprising considering this is a real-world cinema complex. So this month is not really TV Tomorrow but Films Yesterday. I hope that it is acceptable; if not, please come down to the cinema complex and rescue me, and then you can complain about it to me in person. Without further ado, though, here’s the top three of this month’s TV Tomorrow! Films Yesterday!

Wario (Cowboy) and Waluigi (Bus Driver) tricking in Mario Kart Tour
Enjoy the fast-paced thrills of City Caper, which I watched yesterday at 11am.

Film: City Caper
Violet Gamma Cinema Complex, 11am
Genre: Buddy action comedy

Wario and Waluigi co-star as a no-holds-barred cowboy outlaw and a shrewd, sneering city bus driver who team up to solve a mystery across the bustling streets and fast-paced freeways of Neo Bowser City. The manic energy, quippy humour, and complete lack of nuance combine to make this movie an entertaining thrill, complete with no fewer than four high-speed chase scenes, two of which involve Waluigi’s character jumping a bus over a large gap. It’s exactly the sort of high-energy pick-me-up that will revitalise you after the despair of realising you’ve been bricked into a cinema with no way of escaping.

Waluigi attempts to hit the ball out of a bunker in Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour.
A powerfully metaphorical golfing failure from Sand Trap, the film I viewed yesterday at 8pm.

Film: Sand Trap
VGCC, 8pm
Genre: Sports drama

This heartwrenching story, about a down-on-his-luck golfer played by Waluigi, tipped to be one of the greatest ever but who has never yet fulfilled his potential, is a strikingly moving piece of cinema, with powerful performances, deft camerawork, and a minimalist yet majestic score. If you’re put off by this just being a ‘golf movie’, you should know that it’s so much more than that - a realist drama encompassing all areas of the human condition, in which the game of golf itself is simultaneously a mere triviality and yet a grand metaphor for every facet of life. At least, that’s what I got out of it, anyway. I concede I had been in the cinema for about eleven hours by the time I finished it.

Texture of a portrait from Super Mario Sunshine.
The Portal. Simply enchanting…

Film: The Portal
VGCC, ???
Genre: Art film?

I’d never heard of this film before discovering its reel in the back room of the cinema whilst having a panic attack. Indeed, I can’t even confirm that ‘The Portal’ is its title; that’s what was written on the side of the reel, but there’s no title card or credits or anything in the film itself. In fact the whole film is just several hours of a still image of a boat floating in a purple-tinted sunlit sea; I assume it must be some kind of art film. Despite the lack of plot or characters or indeed any action at all, though, it was strangely mesmerising, and I found myself staring deeply at its beauty for hours on end, losing complete track of time in the process. Sometimes I would look up at the screen and it would almost seem to shimmer enticingly. I use the word ‘compelling’ quite a lot to describe the shows I write about, but it’s never been as appropriate as it is here. Truly a hidden gem.

Anyway, that’s this month’s Films Yesterday! And if you want me to continue the TV Tomorrow World Tour, I’m afraid that’s in your hands. I’m not asking for money, I’m merely asking for someone to take a sledgehammer to these walls, or tunnel in underneath, or something like that. Once I’m free, the Tour can continue! Until then, though, I’ll just be waiting here. I think I’ll just sit back, relax, and watch ‘The Portal’ again. It’s so beautiful, so spiritually calming, so hypnotic. Ahhh, look at it there, all purply and picturesque... almost looks like it’s rippling… reminds me a bit of those paintings from Super Mario 64, those ones you could jump through… oh, I wish I could jump through this one, that paradise looks so alluring… better than being bricked up in this dingy cinema… I wonder if I can?… won’t hurt to try… see you in July…

Reel News

Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)

Allegedly loosely based on true events, The Ship With Many Clocks In Its Walls is set to hit the cinemas this summer. The mystery thriller film features a ragtag group of cruise ship passengers on their way to Isle Delfino trying to solve the events threatening their vacation. They are hindered in their efforts by an inconvenient lack of any methods of keeping or estimating time, but quickly discover that a mysterious being living within the ship's walls is hoarding all the clocks for themselves.

The ensemble cast consists of the ship's passengers, Tenning Pon, a world-famous detective who takes charge of the investigations, proposing comical theories in his search for the truth; Prof. Bulbstem, a reformed ex-criminal who struggles to interact with his peers; Bullet Billdori, a frequent troublemaker with a split personality who typically follows Tenning Pon around like a lost puppy; Enomobro, a mysterious operative from the Beanbean Kingdom; Nathan "Nayzee" Meadows, a business consultant from Flower Fields who finds himself thrust into a position of leadership; Peep Gastly, a party animal from beyond the grave; Selina Pommenthal, an introverted Lake Lapcat native with a dark secret; Gearmos, the ship's self-appointed bartender; Paraskya, the vengeful CEO of an airship contracting company; Joe Average, a seemingly normal private investigator, or so the others are led to believe; Henry Broozen, a surly sailor who discovers the joy of wrestling; Mrs. Malice, the world's worst baker; Dr. Torshin, a mad scientist proficient in the mechanical arts; and Rojo Lanterngrotto, a budding sorcerer with the ability to control temperature. Completing the cast are the ship's crewmates, Captain "Serious Business" Shine, First Mate Tempest DeKoop, naturalist Buck Deerwood, photographer Mozza Rella, and exhibit curator Dr. Acrimony; and the mysterious being within the ship, voiced by award-winning veteran actor Wallace Bricker.

Early reviews have been favorable, with special praise for the film's character writing and the performances of the actors. Several of them are expected to be nominated for awards in the near future. The ending of the film in particular has been lauded for its cinematography, plot twists, and skillful conclusion of character arcs built up throughout the film, with one reviewer calling it "one of the most thrilling finales I've seen in years". However, there has been criticism of awkward pacing at times, notably a seven-minute scene where the investigators run around the ship setting flammable objects on fire to see how they burn. In response to the positive reception, the film's creators have already alluded to the possibility of turning it into a franchise. One writer was quoted as saying:

Yeah, we'd like to do more. I already have some ideas for another one. I don't know if it's going to happen, we're going to need a lot of funding to get a lifesize animatronic kraken. But it is something that we're interested in and looking into.

The Ship With Many Clocks In Its Walls opens in theaters across the Mushroom Kingdom on June 30th.

Consumer Corner

Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)

You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.

Wood you like some?

In his office at the top of the Waluigi Time Cereal Tower, the ever-eccentric Waluigi Time sits at his desk with a serious expression. "Shbig, I think it's finally time," he says, turning his head to a screen displaying the AI rabbit. "You're actually going to start listening to what I have to say?" Shbig asks. "What? No," Waluigi Time replies, his expression turning to one of excitement, "it's time to make the Waluigi Time Cereal movie! Imagine the story of how it all happened on the big screen!" Waluigi Time's response prompts a disappointed groan from Shbig, an all-too-frequent occurrence. "We don't have the budget to film a movie," he points out. "Look, Shbig, I have a creative vision! And not having the budget isn't in my creative vision. Besides, I already wrote the entire screenplay in between 'Shroom sections, and once those Hollywood big wigs see how great it is, they'll be throwing buckets of money at this project!" Waluigi Time replies. "I wonder if I can get Jim Carrey to play me. Did you see him in Sonic 2? That guy can rock a mustache." "Nothing that I can possibly say will dissuade you, will it?" "Nope! C'mon, we're going to Hollywood!"

The next thing we see of Waluigi Time, he's pulling into a forested clearing in his car. "Here we are, Hollywood!" he exclaims. "Waluigi Time, I don't think this is-" Shbig starts to say from the vehicle's computer screen before being cut off. "Hey look, here come the studio executives!" Waluigi Time says, watching a group of Whittles emerge from the trees. "Hm, I'll have to win them over first..." The cereal magnate takes off his hat and starts digging through its illogical amount of contents, before finally settling on and pulling out a box of cereal. What a surprise! "Waha! I knew this would come in handy!" "You're going to give Wooden Cereal... to Whittles? You do realize the implications of this, don't you?" Shbig cautions. "It's fine, their entire society is built around wood! Besides, I have it on good authority that Whittles have no moral objections to lumberjacking, so that just about says it all." Waluigi Time gets out of his car with the box, then briefly pauses. "Although, if a Whittle builds a wooden house, is the house made out of Whittle, or is the Whittle made out of house?" He shrugs and continues onward.

"Hello, Whittles! I've brought a gift for you all. Behold, Wooden Cereal, the only cereal on the market made entirely out of wood! It's made with only the finest trees grown in our special Hypergrowth Lab - that we still really need to pay off so please put in a good word for this - so you can be confident that the wood is high-quality, ethically sourced, and free from disease! Most importantly, it's a great source for your daily nutritional needs of-" Waluigi Time pauses, turning the box around to read the ingredients list, "-wood." The Whittles whisper amongst themselves, then disappear back into the trees and soon return carrying wooden tables, chairs, and bowls. "You give cereal. We eat," one of them says. We cut past the boring setting up part because commercial time is expensive, dang it! The Whittles eat the cereal, or more accurately, crush it into dust with their mouths and let it fall onto the ground because that's as close to eating as they get. "Well, what do you think?" Waluigi Time asks. "Cereal good. Yum."

"So, what do you guys think about doing me a little favor? I've written up a screenplay for a Waluigi Time Cereal movie, and I want to see what you guys think about producing it," Waluigi Time says. The Whittles look at each other, confused. "We no make movies," one replies. "What do you mean you don't make movies?! Isn't this Hollywood?" "Yes. You are here." Waluigi Time appears confused for a second. "I'll be right back..." He runs back to the car to consult with Shbig. "Shbig! They say they don't make movies! Help!" "I tried to tell you earlier, this isn't Hollywood," Shbig says. Waluigi Time takes a closer look at the GPS screen, revealing that he has actually traveled to Holly Wood. "Holly Wood?! Well, shoot. I guess I'm sending these guys a bill for the cereal then. Maybe next time, my beautiful masterpiece..."

Wooden Cereal, the latest member of the Waluigi Time Cereal family of products! Make like a tree and leaf your couch to go find it wherever Waluigi Time Cereal products are sold!

WARNING: Wooden Cereal contains wood and should not be consumed by species that cannot safely ingest wood. Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated is not liable for any harmful effects if this warning is disregarded.

"Wahaha! Eat this or else, but only if you can physically eat it. Safety first."

The 'Shroom: Issue 195
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