The 'Shroom:Issue 179/Fake News
A new month brings a new issue of The 'Shroom. We have many of our regular sections returning, alongside a News Flush segment from Hooded Pitohui (talk), and a new section, Rapid Fire Canon, from Maximumriley (talk). Beyond which, Mushroom Tribune has temporarily been renamed to Koopa Times. I do hope that you shall enjoy and indulge in these features!
As per the norm, if you want to write for the paper, I would recommend you visit the sign up page.
Section of the Month
The Section of the Month had seen some small and minute adjustments. Horrorscopes and TV Tomorrow, specifically, swapped places, whilst Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown rose to the top small. Congratulations to all our writers, and continue to vote!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|1st||Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown||19||28.79%||Waluigi Time|
Mysterious Warrior from the East Conquers all Opponents in Depon
Having trekked across the harsh terrain which separates Kinopio Village from the Depon Prefecture for five months in the service of His Excellency, Emperor Roserade, I, Marioda Marionaga, submit to His Excellency a report on the state of the Depon Rebellion.
Eight months ago, in recognition of the rightful restoration of Emperor Roserade's powers, the ruling lord of the Depon Prefecture, The Fresh Prince, who had long resisted the attempts of Emperor Roserade to bring order to his lands, departed for foreign territories. Months upon months of failed campaigns seemed, in that moment when news arrived, on the cusp of ending. He, the warrior who had brought down the armies of the Emperor, had left. None in the land could match him. When I was tasked with the job of leading an army to bring order to the prefecture, I believed firmly we would find our task an easy one. A land in rebellion, deprived of its greatest warrior and left complacent by his long rule, could not support rebellion any longer. We would capture the remaining rebels, I swore at the time, knowing none began to compare, in strength and skill, to the departed lord and that none could struggle against the Emperor's armies as he had.
The march to the Depon Prefecture was an arduous one, but our spirits were high. We would go down in history as the heroes who completed the work of bringing order to the whole of the lands of Emperor Roserade, we were certain. We had much to celebrate, and we marched with haste. A march that should have taken four months, we made in three months and a week. We built a camp at the edge of the prefecture, and sent scouts to gather intelligence.
The vacuum of power left in the prefecture had caused the rebellion to tear itself apart from the inside. The rebel leaders, formidable warriors in their own right despite their shortcomings compared to The Fresh Prince, fought one another, clashing in vicious battles. Hogo Goombuigiyasu, Shoego Kazumass, Waluigi Kagetima, and others stained the fields of Depon red - and teal, purple, yellow, and green, as well - with their battles. We delighted in their fighting. They weakened themselves, and proved to the people the need for the firm guidance of Emperor Roserade.
We watched their battles, and planned an attack. We would allow them to tire themselves out. They would wear their own allies down, and we would capture them with ease. That was our plan. However, but three weeks before we planned to attack, he appeared...
We heard only rumors, at first. Hoodshino Pitohui, on the prefecture's eastern border, had fallen swiftly to a mysterious warrior who had arrived from further in the east. We thought little of it in that moment. The swift defeat of a weak warrior was not a shocking result. In the same day, we heard that this mysterious warrior, known only by the name "Troy", defeated Miike Shigezange only hours later. At that time, we believed he posed little threat to our army. If he were to capture some of our enemies for us and exhaust his resources while doing so, our work would only grow easier.
None among us could have anticipated the remarkable speed with which his conquest of the Depon Prefecture proceeded. Within a week, even Hogo Goombuigiyasu had fallen to Troy. One of the strongest warriors left in the prefecture had faced Troy in a duel and had lost. We could scarcely believe it. The duel had ended, according to reports from eyewitnesses, in under three minutes. Perhaps Shoego Kazumasa was as unnerved as we; we received news not long after the defeat of Goombuigiyasu that Shoego surrendered to Troy without any resistance.
Those who saw Troy in battle spoke highly of his skill. Some of the lords-to-be who faced him were defeated in a matter of seconds, falling in one-on-one battle before even a minute could pass. Truly, he possessed incomparable skill. Such a master of the ancient combat art of Panel de Pon had no trouble routing armies and taking under his rule the land of other rebel leaders. Some began to wonder whether he could be The Fresh Prince, having returned under the guise of a new identity. Others, certain that the wandering warrior was new to this land, began to wonder aloud, with a quiet reverence, if Troy might have been able to best even the legendary former lord of Depon, were they to do battle. His legend and renown grew among the people. They began to cheer for him, impressed by his skill. With near-reverence and trembling lips, they spoke of him, expressing their wishes that he might unite Depon under his rule. The rebel leaders who clung stubbornly to their territories, it is reported, began to make jokes over meals about how quickly Troy would beat them. He captured the attention of the entire Depon province.
Soon, only Turbsui Junkei remained, the last leader of the rebellion who Troy had yet to face. Only days remained before our planned attack. All, for us, depended on the outcome of this battle. Those under my command had started to believe that none could beat Troy. Desertions were becoming common. Some advocated that we abandon the mission, fearing we would fight an unwinnable battle. Yet, even among our ranks, some cheered for Troy, so impressed with his skill that they hoped he, rather than we, could earn his place among the heroes of this land.
The battle was longer than any other Troy had fought, and, yet, still, Turbsui Junkei fell. The will of the army under my command shattered. Men deserted in droves. Others, seeing Troy's arrival and conquest of the Depon Prefecture as a sign from the heavens, sang the praises of the wandering warrior and left, hoping to pledge their allegiance to him. Others yet who left integrated themselves in the militias of Depon, convinced, now, that it was to remain out of the reach of Emperor Roserade.
Unable to maintain order any longer, I departed, retreating and beginning the arduous journey back over mountains and through bog and snow to Kinopio Village. I know only that I am the last member of the army sent to bring order to Depon. I do not know what Troy has done since I have departed. Has he chosen to make himself lord of the prefecture? Has he heard the cries of the people of Depon, and become the new leader of the rebellion? I do not have the answer to these questions, but I believe a warrior such as he must have traveled onwards in search of the next test of his skill.
Regardless of what he is doing now, there is one thing that is certain. Forever shall live, in these lands, the story of the wandering warrior from the east who defeated with remarkable skill all of this land's strongest warriors. Forevermore in this land shall live the legend of the renowned Troy, the warrior who stood in victory atop the many warriors he brought low.
The Koopa Times
This article sourced from The Koopa Times, a publication serving the Neo Bowser City metropolitan area, which The 'Shroom has obtained by way of exclusive agreement.
Striking Whomps Delay Planned Invasion:
An ongoing strike at the flagship factory of Foundations Factory, Inc. has led to the Koopa Troop delaying a planned invasion of the Mushroom Kingdom originally scheduled for the start of April. According to Larry Koopa, a top general, a lack of concrete, processed stone, bricks, and other materials produced by the factory would jeopardize the invasion if it were to proceed as originally planned. Larry confirmed that the invasion would still take place, but declined to provide more specific details on the timing, saying only that the timing of the invasion would depend, in large part, on the course that the strike takes.
The strike began two weeks ago, as the Whomps employed at the factory joined together to form a wall and block off the factory, preventing their fellow employees, management, and government officials sent to monitor the factory's output from entering. Since the strike began, few have been able to enter or exit the factory, with Whomps camping out in the building and coming out to take up their places in the wall around the factory in shifts. While the leaders of the strike have talked of "nonviolent resistance," at least four of His Majesty's loyal subjects, three civilians who attempted to get past the wall to return to their jobs and one member of the Neo Bowser City municipal security forces who was sent to monitor the strike, have been crushed by Whomps participating in the strike.
Despite generous offers from Foundations Factory's management, the Whomps have so far refused to accept any offers in ongoing negotiations, endangering not only the company's ability to deliver on its recent contract with the Koopa Troop, but the entire Koopa Kingdom. Larry Koopa, commenting on the situation, noted:
A delayed invasion reduces the morale of our troops, who have been preparing for this for over a year. They've been expecting that, the moment April arrived, we'd be in the Mushroom Kingdom within weeks. A year of preparation, and now everything is more up in the air than the soot clouds. We can't tell them when the invasion will be, not until this strike ends. The longer we have to wait, the greater the chance those screeching Toads will find out about our plans.
With the strike threatening the Kingdom, and disrupting His Majesty's plans, His Majesty's advisers and Koopa Troop officers have turned their attention to the situation, and are expected to intervene. To find out more about what options are under consideration, we've reached out to Hooded Kame, the communications Toady from the Office of the Chief Royal Adviser, and Dan Troop, Marshal of the Western District under Commander Goomboss.
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Beep boop. I'm a robot. Just kidding, it's me, Waluigi Time, still human and still welcoming you back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown! If you missed last month, we had a special championship match and crowned Captain Fishook our champion! So I've been spending the past month cashing in on promotional materials and merchandise. Technically we didn't get permission to use his likeness, but he's dead, so legally I don't think he has any rights in that department. Unless there's a Fishook estate I wasn't aware of... Uh oh.
Well, enough about our potential legal woes, this month we've got robots in the ring! Why? Well, I just wanted to see some robots fight. That one section in Pipe Plaza makes it seem like a cool idea.
And here's our first contestant now! Please welcome the Mechanical Monster, the Titanium Turtle, ROBOT MONSTER TROOPA!
I'm not actually sure if it's made out of titanium or not, but alliteration is good for catchy titles. This is a one-of-a-kind vintage model, built by the diabolical Dr. Koopenstein and definitely not just Bowser in a lab coat and glasses! We went all the way to the Swiss Cheese Alps to dig this guy up, and then it turned out that it had a bunch of fried electrical components and a few decades of water damage, so we had our mechanic Spanner fix all that up. Apparently, it doesn't even have any sort of AI either, so we had to make some more modifications there too. And before all that happened, we went to a completely different Alps by accident and all we found out there was a frozen banana. So why did we go to all this trouble when there's a 50/50 chance it ends up being a pile of scrap metal by the end of this? Well, I liked the application...
So, what's there to say about this thing? Well, it's heavy, for one thing. And being heavy is great for both offense and defense, because this thing packs a punch in physical combat and it's very durable! And that's about all we have on it. Unfortunately, being a one-of-a-kind model constructed by a mad scientist that's several decades old at this point makes any sort of official documentation of features hard to find. I could try to be more interesting by making up something on the spot, but I should probably just get to our next contestant...
And here he is, the Terrifying Tenderizer, the Exceptional Egg-Beater, COLONEL PLUCK!
Piloting the intimdating-in-all-but-name Stompybot 3000, this chicken is ready to turn this Smackdown into more of a Stompdown! I don't think that's a word, but oh well. Colonel Pluck himself doesn't really have any notable combat abilities as far as I'm aware, but come on, he's got a giant mech, so who really cares? Seriously, you could put Bill Board in a mech and it would still be cool. Anyway, the Stompybot 3000 is really good at stomping, the name alone should've told you that. But Colonel Pluck's not flying solo here, because the Stompybot also comes with a supply of eggs that hatch into BuckBot minions! Also, it can fly thanks to rockets installed in its feet, and fry its opponents with a flamethrower! And its only weakness is hidden behind a panel that will inevitably open up at some point during the fight, because that always seems to happen.
For my prediction... Well, I'm going to go with a good old "insufficient data" excuse and just not make one. Now I can't be wrong! And before you point out that I also didn't make a prediction last time, don't point out that I didn't make a prediction last time. Anyway, watch these robots fight. It'll be cool.
Starting things off, Colonel Pluck stomps over to the Robot Monster Troopa and attempts to crush it with with the Stompybot's foot! The Robot Monster Troopa sustains some damage, but is a bit too durable to actually be crushed, and is able to grab onto the Stompybot's foot and shove it off! And I'm now realizing that Robot Monster Troopa is a mouthful in a situation like this. Colonel Pluck activates the jets and flies over to Robot Troopa, uh, Robot Monster? Monster Troopa. Troopa Robot... Troopa Monster? Okay, uh, better move on. Anyway! The Stompybot slams down onto the floor, but misses the, er, Troopa. The panel on the underside of the Stompybot opened up just as I predicted, revealing some green chains that the Troopa just yanks right out! Were they important? Who knows! Either way, the Stompybot is still functioning, so that's good. Or bad, depending on who you bet on. And hey, I don't have to pretend that we don't allow gambling anymore now that it's legal in the Mushroom Kingdom! Thank you very much, Proposition 15. Not to imply that we were doing it before it was legal, of course! Man, I'm the king of getting sidetracked today, apparently...
Moving on then, the exposed panel closed itself back up, and Colonel Pluck rockets the Stompybot back into the air. The Stompybot slams back down again, this time smashing the Troopa! It's not done yet though, freeing itself and tearing some metal off of the Stompybot's leg for good measure. In retaliation, the Stompybot kicks the Troopa, leaving a nasty-looking gash in its front side that is now leaking smoke! Things are getting pretty messy today. The panel on the Stompybot opens up again, and the Troopa heads straight for it and tears out more of the green chains! I still don't know what those are for, but that caused the Stompybot to overheat and the legs exploded! But that's no problem, because Colonel Pluck takes what's left of it to the skies and rains some BuckBots down into the ring! I don't think they're going to do much though, considering that the Troopa just crushed one to pieces with its foot. Colonel Pluck slams into the floor again, catching the Troopa and tearing off one of its arms! But the Troopa strikes back, using its remaining arm to grab Colonel Pluck and pull him out of the Stompybot! It slams him on the floor a few times which looks pretty painful actually, and I'm pretty sure Colonel Pluck's unconscious now, so the Robot Monster Troopa wins! I- I said the Robot Monster Troopa wins, you can stop beating up the chicken now? Uh, okay, that may be a problem, um... Chuck, go break those two up while I close this out.
Well, that certainly left a lot of scrap metal all over the place. I think Lakilarry's going to need help cleaning up the aftermath of this one. Well, we'll get the Robot Monster Troopa fixed up and put it in a warehouse somewhere, because I'm not chasing that thing all the way back to the Swiss Cheese Alps when it's time for our championships next year. As for Colonel Pluck, well... we never actually said we'd cover repairs to the Stompybot. Anyway, we'll be back next month with new fighters and more gambling, so send in your suggestions if you've got a fighter you'd like to see! Until then, EVERYONE READ THE 'SHROOM!
Oh, um, it looks like Chuck is having a hard time dealing with the Robot Monster Troopa... I think we need to get in there and help him out.
The Tragic Tale of Wart
Wart, the perplexing emperor of Subcon, enslaved his fellow natives, hijacked his people's only method of survival, and put drab masks on his main source of labor to "kickstart a new trend in his kingdom." But why was he so evil? Well, it may have started all the way back when he was born.
When Wart first hatched, he bit on some pond scum and started to balloon up to immeasurable size, turning a new shade of red in the process. It’s a little-known fact that Wart is allergic to vegetables, and that pond scum has just enough algae in it to be considered a vegetable. Subcons also get weird reactions to their allergies. Instead of hives or rapid sneezing, Subcons expand in size rapidly.
When he became a toadlet, all of the (Not) Shy Guys, Pidgits, and Albatrosses teased him constantly about his size, as well as his allergy to vegetables – the Subcons' only source of food. He was constantly starved, yet still large. Eventually, the teasing and shunning started to make him lonely, craving friendship and appreciation. He was like a Chocolate Easter Bunny, big on the outside, yet empty on the inside, with the only thing filling him being loneliness.
Wart also wasn't appreciated for his attempts to make a faster way to travel between the different nations. People laughed at his idea of Magic Potions, which were "the brand new way to travel" according to his pitch to the King of Subcon, Mouser. The King laughed at him for a full hour before asking if he had the resources to make this potion. In response, Wart said, "No, but I have 2 untested prototypes I made with my own spare turnips." Mouser was intrigued, as he wanted a vacation (and a suntan) in World 2, but could not afford the cost of the Albatross ride to get there. The King used one of these prototypes, and to his shock, it teleported him inside the castle's walls. But not to World 2 like he was hoping. The King eventually returned to his throne, but he was never the same. Unfortunately, he’d been hit on the head by a falling Mushroom Block, and didn't know his name or his position of power due to amnesia.
Because of Wart’s crime against royalty, he was promptly sent to prison, and his heart truly turned as black as obsidian. The whole time that he was stuck in a jail cell, he thought of how he would get revenge against not only the King, but all the Subcons who mocked him many years ago. Luckily, he remembered the Magic Potion hidden in his cape, which he promptly used to escape through the wall and head to World 7.
Meanwhile, Mouser was still coming to terms with his memory loss, asking everyone who—and what—he was. Sometimes he sounded crazy, sometimes he sounded awfully philosophical. Many argued that he was in fact the Subcons’ king. Mouser’s response was always that the only one he trusted to tell him he was royal would be the next in line to lead, as they would care to keep up their princely legacy rather than give it up, unlike a commoner who may lie to the king and keep the kingdom in ruin.
Once Wart arrived in the castle, he immediately claimed the throne. Wart also told Mouser that he was part of the 8-Bit army. Since Mouser didn’t remember any part of his past life, and he had no one to tell him that he was in fact the King Of Subcon and that Wart was just a commoner who should not have been trusted, he believed Wart and joined his army. He also hijacked the Dream Machine—the previous source of food for the Subcons—and instead used it to create an army of Birdos, Hoopsters, Shy Guys, and Ninjis. He quickly summoned his armada of 8-Bits to enslave the Subcon residents and make them miserable by having them all guard his massive fortress (and other castles) without sleep or food.The residents' only hope was contacting a red-hatted, warm-hearted plumber who they knew could save them.
Fortunately, a Snifit contacted Mario late one night, convincing him of their troubled leadership and providing some critical information. “Wart hates vegetables,” the Snifit explained, giving Mario a solid offensive strategy. Mario returned to Subcon the next day, with Luigi, Peach, and Toad in tow. They trekked through 7 worlds to defeat Wart, going through what is now referred to as the War of the Dreams. After defeating the 8-Bits, they arrived at Wart’s palace. A battle ensued, ultimately killing Wart with 6 vegetables to the face.
If months were minigames from Mario Party Superstars, then February would be Tug o’ War, in that it’s outdated, unimaginative, frustrating, and the only way to effectively get through it is painful. Look, I’ve well documented my distaste for February as a month. But when you’ve got the excellent Catch You Letter of April and Booksquirm of May just ahead, it just feels like a drag to have to rotate that joystick till the February Bowser is swallowed by the Piranha Plant. At least the Mushroom Kingdom has supplied us with the protective gloves of television to prevent the blisters from getting too bad. Here, as always, are the top three television shows to subside the pain.
New: Keyhole Stories
Genre: Experimental drama anthology
This is one of the most unique shows to ever appear on TV Tomorrow. Basically, each episode of Keyhole Stories is shot in a single take (rather like a stage play) through the keyhole of a different door, so the viewer can only see a circle of the action. For example, episodes include one through the door of the Pianta Mayor’s office as he deals with a crisis in Delfino Plaza, another through the apartment door of an arguing Shy Guy couple… and in the case of tomorrow’s opener, through Bowser’s castle door as he becomes increasingly paranoid about a Koopa revolution. It’s a bold experiment and will likely generate a cult following - time will tell if it sticks.
Genre: Game show
This fun family game show is not about the competition but about the cooperation, as a team of four works together to complete a series of sports-related challenges under the watchful eye of a generic Toad in a referee’s outfit. In tomorrow’s episode, Luigi, Goomba, Dry Bones, and Bowser form an unlikely team (they know each other through their quilting circle), but gamely tackle challenges including hoop-shooting, ball-sorting, and a weird one where they have to attack the host with a cricket bat. Lots of fun, especially when the team is doing poorly.
Satellaview: The Reunion
Genre: Reunion show
Twenty years ago, the first episode of Satellaview, an admirably retro sci-fi comedy-drama epic, was aired on MKBC1. After five seasons and several awards, the show ended, and its stars went their separate ways. However, finally, after twenty years, the whole cast is back together in a reunion special hosted by Mario (in full Satellaview gear) to discuss the show’s legacy, as well as answer some fan questions and participate in a bizarre trivia-based physical game called BS Or BS?. Sadly, however, it seems the long-awaited movie probably will never happen.
There, there’s some stuff to look forward as you weather the February storm. Though you know what, perhaps I’m being a little too harsh on February. I mean, the month so far has been fairly kind to m-
(We interrupt this edition of TV Tomorrow to inform you that while writing that sentence Quizmelon was suddenly hit by an oncoming lorry and exploded. Strange, since he wasn’t even anywhere near a road. Rest assured, doctors are spending the rest of February stitching his melonlike flesh back together, and he should be back and sentient again in time for March. So… see him next time.)
The Big Cheeses of The Mushroom Kingdom
Baa baa back
Vid. Back. Once. More. Hello new or old ‘Shroom readers, I interview villains of the Marioverse. Let’s cut to the chase and introduce our new interviewee.
Bark worse than its bite
Our interviewee for this issue will be Evil Woody, a character(?) introduced in Mario Party 3. Now, now, sure he might just be an inverted version of the helpful Woody that all Mario fans remember, but he’s got some depth! See, Woody is helpful, giving dice blocks and coins galore. Oh ho ho! But see this monster does something different! This fella makes you drop coins or go backwards, even both! In Mario Party Superstars he even drops large purple fruit on losers. Now that’s pretty cruel, insult to injury--Well more like injury to insult but it’s pretty much the same thing. Anyway, Mr.TreeBad is in Woody Woods, so I’m gonna set off this has been Vid cheese rolling™ out.
Through The Bushery Into The Party
Vid: Vid here in Woody Woods, with some…. Other people?
Vid : Dang it, they’re doing that whole Mario Party thing…
Vid takes notice of a familiar face at the starting space out of a group, consisting of Peach, Mario, and Luigi
Vid : Gasp! A corporate shill in the wild!
Waluigi : Wah! A goat in the wild! Uh, now that Waluigi takes a moment to think, that’s not very shocking.
Vid : Are you Waluigi Time? The one who recommended I should interview Evil Woody? Yes?
Waluigi : Wah, in a figurative sense, Waluigi is Waluigi time, without Waluigi, there would be no Waluigi time, only pathetic mortal seconds on this planet.
Vid : So… No?
Waluigi : Wah?
Vid : Dang it now I can’t shill.
Waluigi : Waht a bummer.
A Koopa walks to the starting space, along with Toad
Koopa : Hello all! Welcome to the one and only Woody Woods!
Luigi : WOOOOO-
Koopa : These woods have a lot of twists and turns, so make sure not to get lost! You might want to map out where to go!
Luigi : WOOO-
Koopa : Save that hype for the party heh heh… Really please do…
Koopa : Also remember to be safe there’s a pretty mean tree in the back of these woods-
Vid : WOOOOOOOOO-
Koopa : Gosh darn it I said save the hype!
Waluigi : BOOOOO!
Koopa : Well this sure is the Mario Party spirit! A joyous beginning as the headaches steadily beat against my head faster and faster!
Koopa : Toad, come in and give them the dice and coins.
Toad : Righto.
Everyone hits their die, Mario gets a 6, Peach gets a 4, Luigi gets a 2, and Waluigi gets a 1
Toad : Okay, now here’s your ten coins to start off.
Everyone in the party gets ten coins
Waluigi : Woah that’s a lot of money! I’m rich!
Toad : You’re partying with a mansion owner, a princess, and a guy who owns a gold statue of himself.
Waluigi : This new perspective hurts Waluigi…
Luigi : Eh, don’t-a-sweat it man, the value of Mushroom Kingdom currency is as consistent as our timeline.
Peach : Well I wouldn’t say that hehe… But I uh… Can very much confirm.
Waluigi : Wah, thanks a ton.
Luigi : No problem.
Vid : You! Red!
Mario : Ah! Hound!
Vid : No, I’m a parasite this time around.
Mario : Uh, sorry, you-a spooked me a bit… Wait, a parasite?
Vid : Look, I got one mean piece of wood I got to interview and buddy you’re my ticket to him!
Mario : Ah, so a leech, you-a-know that kind of thematically fits.
Toad : Yo! Get a move on!
Mario hits his die
Vid : You and I are going to have one odd party. Now let’s go to that tree.
Mario : Ya-hoo!
Vid : Heh, gullible.
Mario : Saying things like-a-that isn’t good for your public image.
Vid : Eh, that’s probably one of the better things I’ve said.
Mario : Let’s-a-go…
A fair bit of jogging later
Peach passes a Koopa bank
Koopa : Hello Princess Peach, you gotta pay three coins.
Peach : Ah, no worries, this is a great way to encourage my people to be money smart.
Koopa : Oh yeah that’s pretty cool of you.
Peach : Heh, thank you.
Luigi hits his die and lands on the Koopa bank
Koopa : Three coins for you kind sir.
Luigi : Thanks!
Peach : Time to talk to Toadsworth about shutting down some banks again…
Much dice rolling and coin thievery later
Vid : Hey, Mario, I always wondered, you know ever since right now, how is that Evil Woody like in-person?
Mario : Well… He’s pretty evil, if not sadistic, and you’re filled with a looming sense of dread whenever you come across him.
Vid : Ah, so he's just a Mario Party board mechanic.
Mario : Yep.
Many minigames and angry shouting later
Vid : Gee Mr.Red, we’re kinda getting toasted out here.
Mario : Never give up, we can always make a comeback.
Mario : Like look right there! A chance time space!
Vid : Uh, chance time right… “The player landing on the space plays a small minigame that transfers coins or Stars between themselves or other players.” thank yoooouuuu Mario Wiki, heh.
Mario rolls his die and lands on the space
Mario : Okay chance time let’s-a-go
Mario hits the middle block
Mario : One star to the person on the right block mhm…
Mario hits the right block
Vid : One star to Luigi from….
Mario hits the left block
Vid : -the lucky paisano in red!
Mario : Darn it, Luigi!
Luigi : What are you mad at me for bro? I had no control over that!
Mario : Because you’re a dog Luigi.
Luigi : Woof.
A bunch of assaulting dice and humiliating losses later
Mario : Mama mia… Definitely not a good game for us right now, we’re in third place, only barely ahead of Waluigi, and he’s been having a fight with that stick in the mud ever since the beginning of this party.
Waluigi : Ooooh! You lousy! It’s a party and you’re ruining the mood.
Stick in the Mud: ...
Waluigi : Wah! Excuses, excuses! These are precious seconds of your life! And they're seconds with ME Waluigi! Do you really want to waste Waluigi time?
Stick in the Mud:...
Waluigi : WAH! Buddy you have no right to call me sappy, twig face!
Stick in the Mud: ...
Waluigi : Wah!
Stick in the Mud: I once found myself supporting the seed of young life, now I find myself to be the target of harassment from a lean purple man…
Waluigi : Wah, woah, that’s nuts man, sorry.
Vid : Look Mario, it’s not about winning the game-
Mario : Yeah, it’s about the journey!
Vid : And getting to talk to that stinkin’ evil tree!
Mario : Yeah! I think so!
Vid : You know so bud!
Biting the Neck Of The Woods
Vid : Hey, I just remembered, I haven’t seen any Bowser spaces. Why’s he gone?
Mario : Capraphobia.
Vid : Who?
Mario : Nothing.
Vid : Wait so it’s somethin-
Vid takes notice of a certain grumpy old tree
Vid : It’s him!
Mario : Oh hey that’s great.
Mario : Another nail in the coffin.
Vid : Roll that die bucko!
Mario hits the die with a sigh
Vid : Yes, we’ll finally get to talk to that tree, I might cry.
Mario : Well, I find it quite unfortunate that we rolled high enough with the die. For this means we’ll have to grab the rotten fruits of that tree.
Vid : Who cares? I’m talking to that fancy piece of plywood by any means!
Mario : Well I guess… At least you’ll fulfill your dream, but anyway, these rhymes are starting to make me lose steam.
Vid : The poor plumber screams… Uh, well, more like he states sadly but eh, creative liberties y’know.
Evil Woody : Well, well. Look who it is, Mario… And?
Vid : Your interviewer for the day
Evil Woody : You’re barking up the wrong tree hound.
Vid : I’m not leaf-ing before I get my questions answers
Mario : Mama Mia!
Evil Woody : How did you manage to make a tree wince?
Mario : I’m stumped too.
Vid : W-well, I’m asking the questions here, thank you very much.
Evil Woody : Just shoot’em quick and get this over with.
Vid : What’s your relationship with Woody?
Evil Woody : I don’t know, he’s just some Pixar character.
Vid : No, the other tree in these woods, the one you’re an evil counterpart of.
Evil Woody : I’m an evil counterpart?!
Mario : Yes.
Vid : Wait? That was right?
Mario : Well, yes, you were right and I’m left very unsurprised.
Evil Woody : Well, dang, this sure is taking a lot of twists and turns already.
Vid : Tell me about it.
Vid : What led you down the path of evil?
Evil Woody : That stick in the mud, they sucked all the enjoyment I got out of partying and now out of spite I ruin the fun for others.
Mario : Well that’s something to add to the canon.
Vid : This is some real fanfiction stuff I’d tell ya.
Mario : Ooh yeah that fanfiction, that stuff isn’t always the highest quality
Vid : Unless it’s in the ‘Shroom which the lovely readers at home are reading.
Vid : Please read it all heh.
Vid : What do you think about Mario Party Superstars?
Evil Woody : It’s very fun for sure, which makes it even more fun to ruin parties.
Mario : Great to know you enjoy your job?
Evil Woody : Yeah man, it’s been years since I last saw your frown.
Mario : I’m-a-crying happy nostalgic tears.
Evil Woody : Oooooh! I loved when you cried!
Vid : I know, right? His cries are so funny.
Evil Woody : Yeah!
Mario : Uh, thanks?
Vid : Who’s your favorite character to torment?
Evil Woody : Well everyone likes beating up Wario.
Vid : I actually sort of noticed that. There’s a bunch of screenshots of Wario meeting his demise on Mario Wiki.
Mario : That sounds-a-kind of morbid.
Vid : I know, it’s rad.
Evil Woody : I always look forward to seeing his big smile slowly turn into the world’s biggest frown.
Vid : Well, that’s all I got for you Evil Woody. With that, I say goodbye
Mario : But wait, the party?!
Vid : Well, I had a fun journey and I got to talk to the stinkin’ tree-
Evil Woody : Excuse you.
Vid : I mean, the good smelling tree. So I’ve got no reason to stay.
Mario : Well bye Vid.
Vid takes her leave
Mario : Well let’s hope I can get through this…
Well, that’s the end of the story. It was a pretty sweet party if I must say so myself. This has been Vid, cheese rolling™ out and…
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
It's a not-at-all peaceful day in the battlefields of Dark Land, as General Guy leads the forces of the Koopa Troop in battle against an unseen enemy. (Give us a break, we only have so much money to spend on these commercials!) They seem to be losing this particular battle and sustaining heavy losses. "What is your problem, soldiers?!" General Guy bellows. "We didn't have time to eat breakfast, sir!" a Shy Guy soldier replies, just before the Bill Blaster he's manning gets blown up. "No breakfast? That's a terrible excuse! Charge!!"
As General Guy continues to bark orders, Waluigi Time arrives in... a tank?! Who let him have one of those? Oh no, this is terrible. We're all going to die, civilization as we know it is ruined. And it's been hastily painted in a particularly garish shade of purple. Somehow that makes it worse. Anyway, Waluigi Time drives up and pulverizes a few small trees on the way before popping out of the hatch. "Did someone say not enough time to eat breakfast?!" he shouts over the peaceful ambience of cannon fire. "Have I got the product for you!"
Waluigi Time leaps out from the tank and heads toward the Shy Guys, narrowly dodging a couple of Bullet Bills. He removes his top hat and pulls out not a new cereal, but a box of granola bars! "Behold, the Waluigi Time Granola Bar! Delicious onion bits and hardened ketchup and mayonnaise! It's like Waluigi Time Cereal, but we turned it into a granola bar!" Waluigi Time explains to the soldiers. General Guy appears to be none too pleased that this ferocious battle has been interrupted by a corporate shill. "We don't have time for this! Vacate the battlefield this instant, civilian!" he yells. In response, Waluigi Time pulls General Guy's cap down over his eyes. "No one likes ungrateful people, General! Anyway, did you know that according to our research studies, eating a single Waluigi Time Granola Bar takes 62% less time than a medium-sized bowl of Waluigi Time Cereal!* What a time saver!"
* - This statistic may have been made up on the spot.
"I'll take some!" a Shy Guy from the back says before being interrupted by his commander. "No you won't!" "Aw, come on, General... Look, you can even weaponize them! See?" Waluigi Time says as he takes a granola bar out of the box and whacks the Shy Guy who was unfortunate enough to be nearest to him in the head with it. General Guy is clearly unimpressed. "Ooh, you know what, you could also use them as ammunition! Watch!" Waluigi Time leaps back into his tank and begins firing granola bars into General Guy's forces, almost as if to prove that putting Waluigi Time in a tank is an unchecked menace to society. One of the granola bars gets lodged into the mask of an unfortunate Snifit, who, in an attempt to dislodge it, fires it straight towards General Guy's tank, shattering the bulb powering its ultimate attack. Another gets launched into a Bullet Bill, knocking it ever so slightly off-course into a platoon of Shy Guys. One somehow rips right through one of the Shy Guy's tanks and comes out on the other side, knocking a Stilt Guy off-balance and causing a domino reaction as their comrades topple to the ground, leaving behind a pile of dazed Shy Guys and discarded stilts. Oh, the horror! The sheer granola-based carnage!!
"RETREAT!" General Guy hollers as the Shy Guys scramble to get away from the granola onslaught. Once they're all gone, Waluigi Time stops firing and pops back out of the tank. "What, was it something I said?" Waluigi Time wonders. Off in the distance, General Guy gives the order to fire, just before Waluigi Time looks up and sees a barrage of Bob-ombs being launched his way. "WAH!" Waluigi Time abandons the tank just before the Bob-ombs arrive, and after an excessive amount of explosions that most of the budget for this commercial probably went towards, the tank is completely decimated, now the site of a mere crater and some scrap metal. Waluigi Time returns to the scene, where a few of the leftover granola bars, now a bit toasted but still intact, lie on the ground. He picks one up, unwraps it, and has an amazing realization after he bites into it. "Wow! Waluigi Time Granola Bars are proven to be battle-tested on literal battlefields and can survive even the harshest of circumstances! That's a marketing campaign that writes itself!"
Waluigi Time Granola Bars, perfect for the battlefield of your busy life! Now joining our cereals in the breakfast section of your favorite supermarket!
"Eat this or else! Wahaha!"
Happy season of romance and heartbreak! It's been a busy month since our cosmic paths last crossed over the night sky, and for that, I have a special greeting for you. Blahlgbudiufadlgjbkwbrkhijbkvl4tghjsnflpainjbrkrb! I came across it an ancient tome written in a language that appears to be inspired by a lack of oracle naps and reminiscent of a smashed keyboard. With pleasantries over, onto the divining of destiny posthaste!
This month's constellation is Amanita, the Royal Castles. Dotted around the land of the star gods are various castles and fortresses into which one goddess, Amanita, would routinely migrate. Most of the time this was not of her own will, ohoho! It's strange to wonder what the gods needed so many castles for, or why they chose to erect flagpoles next to all of them, but Amanita visited each and every one over time to ensure they were maintained, looking pristine, and well guarded by royal soldiers. Perhaps one day these castles will fall to ruin, and their legacy will be left for history students to fail examinations over, but their stars glean in the bright sky nonetheless, showcasing the bountiful lands and many guards for all astronomers to admire-
Wha-? You mean you can't see the bountiful lands and many guards? Ohohoho feeble reader, try to expand your mind and gaze closer at the stars above... look closer... don't break your concentration...
Starchild hand me the marker now
Definitely Not A Reimagined South Park Joke
While your universally appointed day of romance is behind you now, these oh-so-lovely horoscopes will guide you towards the end of the astrological cycle next month. But beware dear reader, for an oracle of love I am not! Ohohoho!
|March 21 –
|In the pursuit of love, act not woebegone this month, for your highness may very well be in another castle. Just don't settle for the Toad, whatever you do. Oho!|
|April 20 –
|Planning an international vacation in the coming month as global restrictions ease? Consider flying to Dinosaur Land, unwatched by no-fly zone restrictions (provided you're in a hot air balloon, not an airship). While the luxury vacation homes may be haunted, they have multiple secret exits to flee from! Just remember: the egg-smuggling cartels won't bother you if you don't bother them.|
The Greater Banana
|May 21 –
|Your self-imposed expectations may not be met this month, but worry not reader, it's not too late to change new years resolutions two months into the new year, or dip them into chocolate. There is no shame in saying "Y'know, maybe weight loss is overrated" while staring at a delectable tub of banana-flavored ice cream. None whatsoever.|
The Gold Digger
|June 22 –
|If you're raiding another lost temple this month, try to pick one where the treasure within is cursed by an ancient spirit. At least you might get a first date out of it before their mask falls off and reveals the otherworldly horror laying within, triggering the next phase of the boss fight. Don't be discouraged! That's much better than relationships where it happens after many more dates!|
The Saddle Bearer
|July 23 –
|Avoid all lobsters for several months. What do you mean 'elaborate'? It's way too elaborate. Don't ask the oracle questions you aren't prepared to handle the answers to.|
|August 23 – September 22||You may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, like having to reject an unwanted romantic interest. However, keep your response simple and polite: blast New Super Mario Bros. music from your preferred, absolutely morally correct method to listen to Nintendo's music. Take off like a Koopa Troopa, pausing only to turn to the camera and sing "bah"!|
|September 23 – October 22||Unwanted stress in your life will build up over time if left unchecked, but resourceful readers can use this stockpile to fuel their passions. If you've got a deadline approaching, and you're well aware it's better to work towards it sooner rather than later... don't! Rely on an excess of cosmic adrenaline to achieve everything in the universe in a last minute rush, before collapsing into a black hole of misery and regret- I mean, exploding into a supernova of catharsis and joy!|
|October 23 – November 22||A quarrel between friends will spread ripples of pain through your social group, like a brick block haphazardly tossed into a calm pond. Fret not, toss the troublemakers in as well, and these ripples will be replaced with splashing and gargled yelling, which are quite amusing, until you spot a Cheep Chomp in the water.|
The Inverted Hand
|November 23 – December 21||Dark visions plague your future, O fated reader. Perhaps it might be best to take off that blindfold. Especially while go-karting. You'll be able to see the blue shell out of the corner of your eye right before it collides with you and everything goes dark. Ohoho!|
The Punished Maiden
|December 22 – January 19||Upon realising that many of these love-focused horoscopes aren't very... lovely, I pleaded with the stars to give Dovia Reborn starsigns a positive one to counteract such negative energy in the universe this month. The stars replied: Ask Again Later.|
The Royal Castles
|January 20 – February 18||In this season of love, many plumbers might come chasing after you, and burly dragons might whisk you off to castles encircled by lava moats. Don't let these people take advantage of you! Be your own person and lock yourself up in your own castle surrounded by retainers wearing mushroom hats. Bake cakes! Take up interior design by filling your walls with giant magical paintings! Display your riches openly by tossing coins at the furniture! Assemble heavy artillery cannons then fire them at trespassers on sight!|
|February 19 – March 20||Life is full of puzzles, none more so than word puzzles, so why add more? You can stop playing daily word-related games at any time. Please. Your eyes are becoming yellow and green squares. Your family doesn't know how to communicate with you outside of 5-letter words. Wake up. Wake up Wake up Wake up Wake up Wake up Wake up Wake up Wake up|
|The 'Shroom: Issue 179|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|