The 'Shroom:Issue 128/Fake News
I've also been very busy this month so I'm gonna have to keep this quick, sorry guys. To quote myself from last month, maybe I'll do something scary for next month's issue...which would be odd as it's December. December can be spooky. You just watch.
Section of the Month
The war between the Mushroom Kingdom and New Donk City has been raging for about a month now, and as reports of the large amounts of fatalities roll in, I'm glad to say that as Obituary writer I'm able to write about one of them. Yes, there were more than one, but I'm just a one-man team, you can't reasonably expect me to cover each and every single one.
However, there is something a bit up about this particular death. The picture to the right is the last one taken of Monty Tank before he died, and as you can see it looks like one of our fire soldiers was incredibly close to him at his time of death. And the coroner's report says that Monty Tank was burnt to death.
Finding this slightly suspicious, I decided to go outside my permit as Obituary writer, and launched my own mini-investigation. Speaking to General Toad V I asked what exactly happened with Monty Tank.
"Monty Tank was one of our elite tank units. And unfortunately some fireballs must have gotten into its exhaust and burnt him to death." However, our interview took a turn for the worse when I questioned how fireballs could have gotten in. "Don't be ridiculous! Those New Donkers must have thrown them in. We don't of friendly fire here. Luigi could not have possibly confused Monty Tank for the boss of World 6 that Mario had to fight in order to rescue Princess Peach from Bowser. It'd be an absolutely ridiculous thing to think."
The interview went even further downhill when I brought up the fact that New Donk City is simply a nature reserve for the H. sapiens. This suggestion saw me laughed out of the encampment.
Monty Tank will be buried at sea, and although there was a suggestion that the Monty Moles should tunnel under, this was quickly backtracked on after it was realised that the water would flood their tunnels and drown them.
Today we’re going to be visiting the locale of Jewelry Land!
Pretty barren, right? Well, it just came out of a war. Unfortunately, just as I arrived here, there had been a political revolution and someone known as the Dark King took over. And for some reason I felt as if I’d seen his banner before:
“Eh, it’s probably nothing, it just gives me serious deja vu for some reason.” Is what I thought. Little did I know that I knew who the Dark King was. Anyways, this Dark King just showed up one day and overthrow the newly crowned King Pine, and had a huge political revolution.
While in Jewelry Land, you can grab a bite to eat at almost any Light Realm cafe. Unfortunately, this land had to get its namesake from somewhere, because all you can eat at these places are these:
While I might understand why someone who lives in a land of jewelry would want to eat this, I certainly do not want this kind of food at all. It’s too hard for my weak dersite teeth.
Of course, it wouldn’t be jewelry land without its titular thing not being involved in food: Jewelry. I went to a jewelry store and got myself a pretty cool-looking ring if I say so myself:
My only problem was how weirdly glowy the ring is. Aside from that, it’s awesome.
It was around this time I was taken aside by the former king, King Pines, himself. I was so excited, I recorded our conversation:
KP: *psst* Hey, you seem like a good fighter.
Now, when some former ruler asks you to be an assassin, you don’t really turn that offer down.
ARCH: Why are you asking me?
Keep in mind, I had no idea why I said this next sentence.
ARCH: Sure, why not? Sounds like a good time.
He handed me a contract, which I had on me in my suitcase until it was removed from my person later that day. Luckily, I documented it in a photograph:
KP: *psst* If you don’t show up, then we will have to terminate you. C’est la vie, mon ami. You would know rebellion secrets and that would be bad. Goodbye….
He then left, and I decided to hire an assassin, because come on, I’m no assassin. Luckily, I knew a guy.
Krombopulos Michael and I had been acquaintances for a while after a party we both attended, and I had his calling card as a side effect of that experience. So I called him up, and he flew out from wherever he’s from and told me to meet him two hours before the speech.
I took a picture of him, but unfortunately the shot was cropped by accident to just be the top half of his face. As the good reporter I am, I recorded our entire conversation:
ARCH: Well, if it isn’t my old friend: Krombo the Bombo…
...I didn’t notice he insulted me when I first recorded that. Well, anyways, I went to stay at the Jewel Inn, but they kicked me out (I didn’t have any money from earlier.) so I had to sleep on the streets that night. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.
The day of the speech was the next day. Don’t know why King Pines didn’t just mention it being tomorrow. Probably to make a reference to something? I don’t remember the details. Anyways, I was in my hiding position with my walkie-talkie, and Krombopulos Michael was on the top of the tower.
Yes, that’s just a regular crate. Nothing special about it other than me hiding in it. Anyways, at around 2:00 pm, when the speech started, Krombopulos Michael walkie-talkied me:
KROMBO: Should I kill him now? I mean, he took his helmet off. OVER.
Next thing I hear is a gunshot going off and people screaming. Suddenly Michael goes on again.
KROMBO: Uh, Arch? OVER.
It was at that moment I realized: I screwed up. I had just inadvertently assassinated Bowser himself.
KROMBO:....You do know who that is, right? OVER.
Suddenly, we both heard some police koopas marching up the tower.
POLICE KOOPAS: Put your hands in the air!
Of course, Michael dropped the walkie-talkie on the ground, breaking it.
POLICE KOOPAS: Looks like someone was talking to this assassin, and telling him what to do. But if this is the receiver: Then where’s the transmitter?
This is why you don’t hide directly next to the assassin you hired if you don’t want to go to prison. Of course, as implied, the police captured me because of my bad partner and now I’m here, in their car, being hauled off to jail until my trial. I’m glad they didn’t take my notes on traveling, so I could write down this experience.
Who would’ve known some random dersite would be better at killing Bowser than the Mario Brothers themselves? I guess they never tried bullets.
As for my limited stay in Jewelry Land, I thought it was a great country that anybody who likes long stretches of grass and jewelry should go to. Until next time, au revoir!
Written by: Koops
Hello, 'Shroom readers! Come closer, as I, the one, the only, clumsy but bold Koops ventures throughout the Marioverse to give you pieces of advice on whether or not you should visit some random location that I just woke up in.
See, last night, I was having some flashbacks during my sleep that something pretty nasty happened to me and almost entirely emptied my HP bar, and today, I'm in some pretty spooky place that reminds me of hell. Now I won't say it's actually hell, but it really is awkwardly familiar. Thankfully, I didn't wake up on the ground or anything, it was a bed! I have mysteriously been sleeping in some house I don't know, but the problem was, it belonged to someone.
I heard footsteps outside the front door, and I figured the guy wouldn't be so happy to see me in their house, so I made a run for it. Then I stumbled upon a fountain. I was beginning to wonder what kind of liquid was the water that came out of it, but I was so thirsty I decided to drink anyway, and it felt great. There was also some ghost guys who said they died and that I died too since I was here, but I have a hard time believing THAT! Though last I remember I WAS in the hospital after I fell from Rainbow Road and the doctor was desperately trying to fix me before I was gone.
And there was a guy with a witch's hat who told me that he let the dead across the River to see the Queen, but I decided I wasn't going to be doing politics in a territory I just got in. But I anyway decided to go on that boat of his because I figured he could give me information, but there was some traffic and I got stuck with a lonely guy who spends his days telling life stories while recalling some depressing memories from his past or something, and then crying, and finally resuming his 'very interesting' life stories. He also mentioned a lot of times the word "underwear" for some reason, figured he was bragging about him wearing one seriously rare brand of those, but to be frank, I wasn't entirely listening.
Wait a second...
I just realized something...
I am in the Underwear!
And by Underwear, no I don't mean that, I mean the UNDERWHERE! You know, that supposedly spooky place where the dead guys go when they... when they die? But I am most certain I am not really dead because if I was, I would've turned into one of those ghost guys, right?
Anyway, it's not your job to tell me what the Underwhere is, I am here for that! And luckily, since this Issue will be released somewhere before Halloween, then me being here is most fortunate! You know, normally, if I wanted to go to the Underwhere to show you around, I would have taken some extremely precise procedures.
But it looks like I'm already here, so I finally decided I would tell you about everything you can do that is not asking yourself what you could've done to avoid your death, try to watch over your still alive family, or just doing nothing but walking left and right. Not telling you should see the Underwhere for yourselves, but rather a simple guide for if you somehow find yourself in the Underwhere one day.
So first of all, those ghost guys I told you about are Shaydes! They are as you would expect, the souls of those who died and were destined to spend their afterlives here! Now this isn't exactly hell here, as there is an even creepier place than that already is. Even though it's not really creepy where I am now, just atmospheric. That's really one thing I like about this place. Though we'll get to that point about that creepy place later, as now I am just going through the basic stuff in the Underwhere. And that guy who was previously lamenting in this article is called I believe Charold. Now he is following me nonstop at the moment, which kinda makes me feel uncomfortable, but I'd blame that on the fact that he's depressing and mostly silent when he's not telling life stories. Plus, hanging out by yourself around here feels like some one-eyed baby-headed mutant spider is going to jump on you any second, so there's that.
So Charold, is there any place I can visit around here?
And NOW he stops talking! Maybe if I make him go on the boat he'll listen to my question and answer it! Let's do this!
*Two hours of pointless life story telling later*
Well, I can't say that went so good. There was a skeletal hand chasing us at one point and Charold didn't care one bit about it and kept going normally so I had to maneuver the boat myself to get us outta here only to get us lost and then there was more traffic and we ran out of engine and Charold's oar broke in the middle of the river and I had to swim a few times to the closest gas station and get some juice, one bottle at a time. And the fact that Charold keeps talking about how his wife left him or something doesn't help AT. ALL. On the bright side of things, we got to the other side of the river and that means I can show you around this area! Though the bad news is I have to deal with this queen we mentioned earlier in this issue. I hear she's the scariest thing around here, but if you ask me, I'd say that the scariest thing is how Charold can switch from a guy that goes to talk about every single moment of his existence to some ghostly black cloud that follows you around. At least when he doesn't say anything he's quite helpful in that he actually allows me to concentrate.
Anywhere, where is this queen Jaydes people talk about so much? Tell me, old lady, I need to have a word with her, because her world sucks! And I don't care what she says will happen to me!
Jaydes: This "old lady" you just spoke to IS Queen Jaydes!
Jaydes: Who is this whimp you brought with you, Charold?
Charold: Thissssss, my queen, issssssssssss ssssssssssssome sssssssstranger I found half-dead the other day, your majesssssssssty! And what'ssssssss worsssssse, he doessssssssn't ssssssssssssseem to really like my life sssssssssstories!
And those hisses, ladies and gentlemen, is why these stories are an atrocity to bear. Truth has been told.
Charold: What'sssssssss even worssssssssse isssssssss he makessssssssssss fun of my pronounsssssssssiation isssssssssssssues!
Jaydes: But he does not appear to be dead, as he looks ridiculously unintelligent unlike those piles of squares we normally have here in the Underwhere.
Woah there! You mean I, the only guy here that looks normal, looks dumber than some low-poly clowns like your Shaydes? That is just absurd! I wish there was a way out of here! I'm already sick of this place! In fact, the only reason I'm not looking for a way out right now is because I love my fans and want to hook them up with the info on this place. As soon as I finish my tour I'm out of here!
Jaydes: There is no way out, you will be stuck here until I change my decision!
Well, that ain't cool! At least I can show you around, after all, I said I would use this opportunity. So anyway, lessee what we have here... Underwhere, Underwhere, Underwhere... maybe it's better to at least say where I am at the moment!
I am in Jaydes' palace right now, it is the place where the sins of the dead are weighed, no idea why she didn't do that to me, maybe I look too stupid to her eyes. Here it is decided if your are to live your afterlife in the Underwhere, or the Overthere. The Overthere in itself is more like heavens, but I'm afraid that as long as I look stupid to Queen Jaydes, I'm stuck down here. You can go there if you haven't done any sins, but by the time you read this it's probably too late since nobody's perfect, and you might all have some guilty pleasure for yourself. Though probably not, I don't know. Anyway, the rest goes to the Underwhere. The average people go to the part of the Underwhere I'm in now, but the evil ones go deeper, and become Skellobits instead of Shaydes. These people suffer atrocious conditions for eternity, and there rests their almighty King Lucif... I mean Bonechill! He once broke out of his icy prison and invaded the Overthere. Sadly, he's pretty pathetic. Every time he attempts world domination someone kills him. So I guess that makes him sound weak. But he looks threatening, so I'll give him that.
Here in the Underwhere, you can chat with people. Like... it's something you don't do much in real life, I mean I'm pretty sure that as I speak you who are reading this are in front of a computer or phone or whatever device. It's pretty fun actually because you can talk about how you died, and somehow lots of people seem to enjoy the variety of the multiple ways one can die, but if I go on and tell everyone I fell from Rainbow Road, they'd say it's a boring death. Or maybe that's just because I'm not even dead. I mean the Queen herself said it herself in her own words so it must be true.
Come to think of it, how did I end up here? That matters not, for I am now to do the impossible! I am going to dive in the river Twigz! You know, that river? Who knows the dangers that lie ahead? I don't know, but it shouldn't be that bad! Though as soon as I mentioned I was going there, Charold suddenly disappeared.
You know what that's great! I can finally enjoy myself some moments without this guy! He was starting to officially scare the crap out of me, and now I won't be having the feeling of someone following me! Well, with that, I'm off! But I'm taking this camera I found before with me, so you could see me go in the river.
So... It's pretty dark in here. Good thing I have my lantern. Oh wait, fire's out. Oh yeah, I'm in the river, goddamit. At least I still have my phone. Don't worry, I recharged it since last issue, battery won't die. Oh. The flashlight doesn't work. And so does the phone camera! Oh yeah, that's a problem I have with the phone, don't worry, it's not the first time it's happened! There is still the screen itself! But wait a second... Oh no, my phone's not waterproof! Quick! Turn it off!
Phew, I almost lost it there, but I just don't know where I am! I must be deep inside the river now! Oh hey, would you look at that, a door handle! Ha! That was too easy! I mean I'm literally down a narrow pit in the river, so of course I was gonna find my way easily! And man, the area is illuminated! Strange, no water here! That's weird, but then, how am I supposed to get up there? Oh look, maybe if I pull this lever something would happen.
Well, I was raaAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I did not expect that to happen! As soon as I pulled that lever, a skeletal hand reached behind me, it scared me to death, man! I don't even think I'll ever be able to scream after THAT! Oh god, good thing I pulled the lever back! Or else it would've dragged me to the Underwhere! Wait, I am in the Underwhere! Then where do those hands drag you? I mean, I've always seen dead hands dragging people somewhere.
I better not think about it.
So I'm gonna pull the lever again, and this time, I swim as fast as I can!
So, I guess it's cool here, no hand will notice me! For sure!
Ok, I was wrong. They're reaching out for me! Oh no! It's a dead end! The dead hands are gonna get me in the dead end! This place sure sounds a little bit too dead, am I right? Anyway, what am I saying, THE DEAD HANDS ARE GONNA GET ME FOR SURE NOW! AND IT DOES'NT SEEM LIKE SOMEONE IS JUST GONNA JUMP IN AND SAVE ME, THERE'S NO WAY THAT'S HAPPENING!
And at the last moment, Charold jumps in and gets me outta here! What a plot twist! Way to go, Charold! Yeah that's it, kill those things, go for the gold, you're so bold, Charold! Those hands don't know who they're messing with! Man, now that you're here, it is almost too easy!
Ok maybe not, what do we do?
*Charold looks at the manhole above him, and Koops has a bad feeling about this*
Hey, Charold, why are you picking me up like you wanna throw me or something? I feel that's gonna happen. But wait, what about you? Yeah ok, you don't talk much. Then ok, but you be sure I'll remember those life stories!
*Charold throws Koops out of the manhole. He looks back into it, to find the underground full of dead hands, and Charold Nowhere to be found.*
I'm gonna tell you man, I can never forget these life stories, but I won't forget Charold either. Come on, let's go back to the ssssssssssssurface. Yeah I won't be forgetting that accent too, everything, I tell you.
Jaydes: You! You are not allowed to go in the River Twigz without my permission! But also bringing the one person who carries the dead across the river inside? You are officially banned from this part of the Underwhere! I will throw you in the Underwhere jail!
Jaydes: Just shut up!
Well, that's not good, I'm with the Skellobits now! And they don't look so friendly, let me tell ya. One glare at them, they will just stare you down until you die. And thing is, once you're dead, you ain't dying anytime again, so that's bad. However, if I somehow manage to escape, I'll be fine. Because I know too much about this place it's too hard for me to think of anything I don't know about it. See, every time Bonechill dies, he reappears encased in some giant ice block. Just melt it, and all the Skellobits go crazy and open the cell. And while they're escaping Jaydes is too busy to notice you leaving and you're good to go, so if you ever find yourself in there, cause more trouble and you're out of here.
Well after I sneaked around the palace, I bribed the Dorguys to let me pass and make my way to the Overthere to then politely ask Grambi to get me back home, I'm back, and I got myself all the footage! Well, good to know I can submit my 'Shroom section this month! Where am I, though?
MCD: "Uh, Koops, you’re late.
One month late."
Oh. That sucks. I really hoped I could’ve submitted my section for the October issue! Anyway, I still gotta give that incompetent doctor credit, because if he actually was good at his job, I wouldn't be in the Underwhere, and I couldn't have made this article!
So my advice for the month, don't go to the Underwhere, it sucks. Try to erase your sins as soon as you read this, because I know you're gonna regret it one day. Though I know no one's perfect and that erasing your sins is too hard, but hey, there's still a way! You can do what I did, you know, seeing Grambi would make you feel pure even after having done all that shady stuff, don't worry about it. And now that I'm not in the Underwhere anymore, Jaydes won't know I wrote this, because she has an outdated phone, can't use the internet, thus she can't read the 'Shroom and thus thus she can't read what I just wrote! Well, that is, if some Shayde doesn't bring in wifi there with him while dying. Anyway, I'll see you guys next issue, and until then, peace!
TV Tomorrow is here at last! I nearly forgot all about this because I was busy with other things (including playing Paper Mario: Colour Splash) but don’t worry, it’s here, all here, because I knew nobody would like to not know what is on TV tomorrow. So without further ado, here are tomorrow’s top three!
Chef Mario’s Perfect Cooking
New: The Kongs of the Jungle
Happy Caterpillar’s Fun Adventures
That’s all today, I’m afraid, or rather that’s all tomorrow, seeing as... never mind, forget it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy whatever you choose to watch tomorrow, but for now, seeing as I have a deadline to meet, I will leave you. See you next time!
Written by: Gaberskitty
Hey, I didn’t see you there It’s Gaberskitty coming back at you with another review! Today we will be going to Grate Guy's Casino run by Grate Guy himself. First off you can play a number of games such as blackjack, face the other way, and match. Blackjack is a card game where you have to be the closest to twenty one without exceeding twenty one. Number cards are their number, face cards,jack king queen etc. Those are worth ten, and ace cards are worth either one or eleven.
Time to play put twenty three coins in! We win put in 23,000 coins. Yes we won again! Again, I mean what are the chances of me failing right now. I still won I’m going to go again for 3,450,000, all the money I made in the past 10 minutes. GASP! I won again. This guy sucks at black jack. Now time to play face the other way, you look some direction and hope you aren't looking in the same direction as Grate Guy, hehe this game is like rock papa fedora always choose scissors; like they say he’s got a heart of cold. I face north every time and win, but there's one flaw in how I’ll manage to pull it off, I have no clue where north is. I keep Losing! Why me! Of all the other person in the casino why me!
Whatever I’ll just play match. You hit a chest with your head and hope your lucky or you could use timing and spacing to figure it out, but I’m lazy. Ouch! Who thought hitting a wooden chest full force with a mushroom for a head would hurt! It appears I have a concussion, which isn’t good, but I don’t care about the warm blood running down my forehead and the crashing pains and the world spinning. I can pay my bills with my millions of dollars, heck even if I was crushed by an anvil I’d be ok. LIFE ALERT, I’VE BEEN ANVILED AND CAN’T GET UP!!!
LA: No we cannot help, we only help if you’ve fallen on stairs or in the shower.
GK: That’s It I’m calling the ambulance. Signing off goodbye to my lovely readers.