The 'Shroom:Issue XCVIII/Fake News
Welcome once again to my pride and joy, the Fake News. It's May, so, uh...let's see if anything important ever happened in May...
Well, over here in the UK, May is apparently "National Smile Month". Go on then. Make a joke about "British teeth". I dare you.
May 25th is Towel Day, inarguably the most important day of the entire year. Be sure to carry a towel everywhere, and don't panic! My only complaint is that Douglas Adams does not write for the Fake News, though he is dead, so that could provide some minor inconvenience.
May 8th was White Lotus Day, which is arguably a lot less interesting than it sounds if you're an Avatar fan. It also holds an event known as "Furry Dance". No, really. Okay then...
Uhh...that's enough about May. Man, it feels like ages since I last said this, but we have a new writer! Palkia47 (talk), our Fun Stuff director, will now be writing the Sport Report! This is a momentous occasion as we now have more than three regular sections!
Finally, I leave you with this work of art, in...
Happy National Smile Month, everyone!
Last night, one of the all-time craziest records was broken by the all-star center of the Philadelphia Warriors.
Waluigi, 36, became the first professional basketball player to reach the 100-point plateau in a single game in the history of the sport. The center, who knocked down every shot because he refused to ever give it up with how red-hot he was, poured 100 points on the visiting Washington Wizards on Wednesday night.
Washington point guard John Wall, when asked about the 100-point game, refused to answer. He repeatedly claimed how Waluigi was ripping off his style… and his name.
Waluigi, after a long night of partying at a local bar in Philadelphia, finally issued a statement regarding his unbelievable achievement, stating “I would like to thank… absolutely everyone for supporting me in my life, in my career, in these long 36 years of my life… to be able to reach 100 points is just absolutely amazing. Of course, I did it, naturally. Wahaha. So I would like to thank myself, and I would like to thank the city of Washington for being my sacrificial lamb. We wuv you, Walla Walla, Washington! We wuv you, Walla Walla, Washington!”
The Philadelphia Warriors are sitting in dead last in the Atlantic Division, with a god-awful, horrifying record of 0-58. They dropped their game last night against the Washington Wizards by a score of 168-100.
The Philadelphia Warriors are not expected to re-sign free agent Waluigi come next season, and most likely, no team will ever target him again. The Warriors are back in action tomorrow night, when they take on the Nashville Elvises in a battle of rock and roll… and more Waluigi goodness. Several fans have voiced their displeasure in the Nashville Elvises being forced to take on the Warriors, stating that nothing good will come out of playing a team led by the mustachioed big-man. Waluigi, the 7’4” center who somehow manages to weigh only 100 pounds, has averaged only two points on the season.
Hello, and welcome to your Weather Forecast for August 9, 2020. I'm MCD, in case that's important to you.
As can be seen on the chart, nothing unusual seems to be happening with the weather in the Mushroom World.
North Grass Land is in the middle of its rainy season, though there's a small chance of some sun after midday. Maybe you'll see a rainbow? And maybe you'll see Luigi falling off it, burning up like a shooting star as he re-enters the atmosphere... East Grass Land is still suffering from floods. But hey, it could be worse. You should see the floods they have in Bowser Land.
Desert Land will likely see large amounts of sun in certain areas. This could have some vague connection to the fact that it's a desert. Temperatures are expected to soar to at least 75°C, which must be, like, 500 Farenheit or something, I don't know. Due to the high temperatures, you may want to wear a hat before going outside. Unless it's a red hat. That agitates the sun. Do not agitate the sun. Further south, it's raining Thwomps! Be sure to take an umbrella with you if you're going out.
Water Land is very wet.
Giant Land is either suffering from very large thunderstorms or very strong winds. I'm going to be honest, I don't know which land is which on the map up there. I mean, I recognise Desert Land, Sky Land and Ice Land. I'll just say Giant Land is the brown one. Giant Land is in the middle of a massive storm. Seriously. Lightning and everything. Again, taking an umbrella with you would be wise. Or a hat. Or one of those umbrella hats, you know. Your friends may laugh, but who'll be laughing when they've been struck by lightning and killed because they didn't wear an umbrella hat? Definitely not you. That's terrible news. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Sky Land is looking very cloudy at the moment. Some rain has been reported, but hopefully this'll clear up by 19:52. Temperatures are likely going to be around 0.34 MCDs. Huh? What are MCDs? Oh, they're new. Basically, 100°C is one MCD. Why? Because I'm so hot, I've...uh, reached boiling point? It's okay, this is what all the sciencey people use. Kelvin is history.
Ice Land is looking at highs of -0.15 MCDs, so you may want to wear a scarf. Or an umbrella hat. An umbrella hat won't keep you warm, but it will keep you stylish. Large amounts of snow have apparently started to fall, as have, according to the chart, fully-sized snowmen. Holding even more snow. Jesus christ. Don't go outside it's not worth it.
We sent a correspondant to Pipe Land and he got lost in the maze. We haven't seen him in twenty years.
Dark Land is, once again, almost entirely covered by black clouds of what is most likely smoke. Smoking is bad for your health and a definite no-no.
Thank you for reading my weather report. Stay safe, don't do drugs, and finish this sentence yourself because I can't.
The galaxy was shocked... wait seriously? People were shocked that this old bloke kicked the bucket the other day? I mean come on, Emperor Penguins have a roughly 20 year lifespan, this guy had enough time to grow a full, grey neckbeard and you expect people to be surprised?
According to my editor, the above is disrespectful to the recently deceased so I've been asked to change a few lines. The galaxy was shocked a few days ago as Penguru kicked the... died peacefully in his sleep at the grand old age of like a freaking thousand... I mean 27 and a half. His wife said that the family would not release a formal comment until his will was read at his funeral.
Many galaxies have gone into mourning following this death, as Penguru was quite the traveller and racked up quite a lot of hotel bills from several of them. "It's lucky he died now, at the end of the month I was gonna send round one of my little friends to make sure he payed up," was one hotel owner's response. Another commented "At the end of the day, I'm just gonna force the £4000 debt onto his family, not like he's around to care anymore." Following these interviews I decided that I should find someone who may have been emotionally sad at this time to interview. "His loss is kinda sad, I guess still many more tasty penguins for me to have though," is what Guppy had to offer on this tragedy.
The galaxy has truly lost an outstanding member of the community this month, many young penguins used to listen in awe about his stories, and so did many teenage penguins, and adult penguins, and certain obituary writers who still maintain that his death is not a surprise. However, bidding has begun on his small little island (and I do mean small here), with bidding starting at around £4000. No idea why, it just is.
Thanks to Koopartol Brick Block (talk) (Forum profile) our ever-present question presenter and our anonymous readers for sending in questions! If you seek my flawless advice, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page! If you would like for there to be a doodle with the response to your question, feel free to request so and I'll see what I can do.
|The 'Shroom XCVIII|
|Staff sections||Opening Statement|
|The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Sub-teams||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner• Strategy Wing|
|Main sections||Retro Feature • Mario Calendar|
|Specials||Pokémon (Gen 6) 2015 Tournament|
|Front Page About Archives Comments Subscribe Spotlight Contact us Manual of Style Sign up |