Written by:  Koohitsu
Koohitsu here. Many, many apologies for not giving you an interview last month; My dog ate my manuscript. Actually, I don't have a dog. The "dog" in this context was my grandpa, and "ate the manuscript" means "put it under the oven to stop it from wobbling". Now I can't get my notes back, but on the other hand gramps makes some mean dumplings with that oven, so it's a sensible sacrifice.
Be ovens as ovens may, I just wrote a new interview. The last one wasn't interesting anyway; I interviewed some fat guy in overalls. This time I have a much better guest: Plessie, from Super Mario 3D World!
 Yo!
Wow!
What's the matter? Did I say something wrong?
No, I was just momentarily in awe that you can talk.
Why wouldn't I be able to talk?
Well, you don't really say anything in the game you're from.
Oh... that's not by choice. I am obligated. I was cast as a minor character, and Nintendo has a strict policy regarding those, especially with their Mario titles. Essentially, we're not allowed to show anything to suggest depth of character or a personality that goes beyond generic cute. If we fail to comply, we face executive action.
So what, you mean salary cuts?
No, I mean actual cuts. The management beats us up.
Ouch?
Yes, "ouch" conveys my sentiment pretty well.
Well, fear not! You will not be beaten here. Except with intriguing questions of course.
If awful word plays could hurt, this one would be a straight "YOWZA!".
Please tell us about yourself.
Ok. So uhm... I am Plessie, reptilian floatation device and certified aquatic mount slash vehicle. I debuted in Super Mario 3D World. My mom was a dinosaur and my dad was a life-saver; Please do NOT ask me how that works!
How does that work?
Ggggphblrrr!!! My mother is a wanderlust-y woman, always has been. At one point in her life she was heavily into cruise ships. Basically if it floated and drove around in circles on any body of water, she had to be on it. But then one evening she had a few tea too much and decided it was a good idea to stand at the front of the ship and reenact that one scene from Titanic, except without someone to hold her. The ship bumped into a cheep cheep and she promptly went overboard.
That's awful!
No, that's just the way she is. And that's also how she met my dad. They threw him at her and then pulled both of them out of the water. From then on they were inseperable.
How romantic!
No, I mean they literally couldn't separate them. My mom wasn't exactly the slimmest lady back then. It took about three weeks until they got themselves untangled again. But by then they had gotten so used to each other, they stayed together anyway. Until dad had to leave for work again at least.
So how was growing up with a commodity dad?
It was very non-spectacular, to be honest. I know you're picturing all kinds of crazy scenarios right now, like how a life-saver taught me how to ride a bicycle, but those things never happened. My father was a "career first" guy and worked on different ships far away from mom and me. I haven't seen him in several years.
When was the last time you heard from him?
He wrote me a letter once. Said he was stationed on a "real stinker of a ship" and that he wishes he could be with us. That was back in 1998, I think. I haven't heard from him since. I do have a photo of him though.
How was the rest of your childhood?
It was kind of nasty. Being a little pool float isn't easy when you stand out as much as I. I remember the other kids calling me a floater, or making fart noises with their mouths whenever I sat down.
Uhh... why fart noises?
Because I guess they saw I looked like an inflatable dinosaur, so they pretended I was a whoopee cushion? I don't know what went on in their heads.
Kids can be such airheads... uh... no offense.
It doesn't really matter to me anymore. I mean, look at me now! I've done it! I'm a character in a big name series like Mario. I may get beaten with rakes by an angry Japanese man if I blink once too often, but my paycheck has two digits more than those of any of the people I went to school with. I'm an accomplished dino.
How was your time working with the Mario crew? Did you enjoy it?
Ehhh... It was ok. Most of the time I was swimming, which is something I love doing, so that's a plus. Lots of people asked me how it was to work with a big cheese like Mario. I can't really give a good answer to that. Most of the contact I had with Mario I had with his butt, so the first thing that comes to mind when I think of him is the seat of a sweaty pair of overalls.
Uhm... ew?
It's ok. I was in the water most of the time anyway, so it washed right off.
Was there anything that you would have wished to be different?
I don't know. It would have been nice if there were less bottomless pits surrounding the water. I'm not so good at dealing with heights. And I guess it would have helped to put little signs near those clear pipes to indicate their hold capacity. It's so embarrassing to get stuck, and it's just no fun, not for me, not for anybody involved.
What was your least favorite experience during this job?
I'd say getting touched by that weird disembodied hand. It wouldn't hurt to throw that thing into the washing machine every once in a while. I had to breathe through my mouth every time it came anywhere near me. Plus, I can't prove it, but I think that thing stole money from me.
Did you meet anyone else besides the protagonists of the game?
I also met Bowser. He's a reasonably nice guy; We had some coffee together once. He asked if he could ride me, but I had to decline; Those spikes on his back are wayyy scary. I don't think he took it well. Maybe next time I'll let him. But only if he puts corks on those spikes.
Very well, then thank you very much for this informative interview!
Thanks for hearing me out. It's nice to be able to talk without having something thrown at me for once.
To wrap this up: Since summer is on the way, do you have any cool advice for people visiting the swimming pool?
Don't swallow the water! You don't want to know all the terrifying things that go in there!
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