Welcome once again to my pride and joy, the Fake News. It's May, so, uh...let's see if anything important ever happened in May...
Well, over here in the UK, May is apparently "National Smile Month". Go on then. Make a joke about "British teeth". I dare you.
May 25th is Towel Day, inarguably the most important day of the entire year. Be sure to carry a towel everywhere, and don't panic! My only complaint is that Douglas Adams does not write for the Fake News, though he is dead, so that could provide some minor inconvenience.
May 8th was White Lotus Day, which is arguably a lot less interesting than it sounds if you're an Avatar fan. It also holds an event known as "Furry Dance". No, really. Okay then...
Uhh...that's enough about May. Man, it feels like ages since I last said this, but we have a new writer! Palkia47 (talk), our Fun Stuff director, will now be writing the Sport Report! This is a momentous occasion as we now have more than three regular sections!
Let's get onto our Section of the Month - with 29 votes, Yoshi876 (talk) and the Obituaries took April's Section of the Month! Don- I mean, uh, congratulations!
Koohitsu here. Many, many apologies for not giving you an interview last month; My dog ate my manuscript. Actually, I don't have a dog. The "dog" in this context was my grandpa, and "ate the manuscript" means "put it under the oven to stop it from wobbling". Now I can't get my notes back, but on the other hand gramps makes some mean dumplings with that oven, so it's a sensible sacrifice.
Be ovens as ovens may, I just wrote a new interview. The last one wasn't interesting anyway; I interviewed some fat guy in overalls. This time I have a much better guest: Plessie, from Super Mario 3D World!
What's the matter? Did I say something wrong?
No, I was just momentarily in awe that you can talk.
Why wouldn't I be able to talk?
Well, you don't really say anything in the game you're from.
Oh... that's not by choice. I am obligated. I was cast as a minor character, and Nintendo has a strict policy regarding those, especially with their Mario titles. Essentially, we're not allowed to show anything to suggest depth of character or a personality that goes beyond generic cute. If we fail to comply, we face executive action.
So what, you mean salary cuts?
No, I mean actual cuts. The management beats us up.
Yes, "ouch" conveys my sentiment pretty well.
Well, fear not! You will not be beaten here. Except with intriguing questions of course.
If awful word plays could hurt, this one would be a straight "YOWZA!".
Please tell us about yourself.
Ok. So uhm... I am Plessie, reptilian floatation device and certified aquatic mount slash vehicle. I debuted in Super Mario 3D World. My mom was a dinosaur and my dad was a life-saver; Please do NOT ask me how that works!
How does that work?
Ggggphblrrr!!! My mother is a wanderlust-y woman, always has been. At one point in her life she was heavily into cruise ships. Basically if it floated and drove around in circles on any body of water, she had to be on it. But then one evening she had a few tea too much and decided it was a good idea to stand at the front of the ship and reenact that one scene from Titanic, except without someone to hold her. The ship bumped into a cheep cheep and she promptly went overboard.
No, that's just the way she is. And that's also how she met my dad. They threw him at her and then pulled both of them out of the water. From then on they were inseperable.
No, I mean they literally couldn't separate them. My mom wasn't exactly the slimmest lady back then. It took about three weeks until they got themselves untangled again. But by then they had gotten so used to each other, they stayed together anyway. Until dad had to leave for work again at least.
So how was growing up with a commodity dad?
It was very non-spectacular, to be honest. I know you're picturing all kinds of crazy scenarios right now, like how a life-saver taught me how to ride a bicycle, but those things never happened. My father was a "career first" guy and worked on different ships far away from mom and me. I haven't seen him in several years.
When was the last time you heard from him?
He wrote me a letter once. Said he was stationed on a "real stinker of a ship" and that he wishes he could be with us. That was back in 1998, I think. I haven't heard from him since. I do have a photo of him though.
How was the rest of your childhood?
It was kind of nasty. Being a little pool float isn't easy when you stand out as much as I. I remember the other kids calling me a floater, or making fart noises with their mouths whenever I sat down.
Uhh... why fart noises?
Because I guess they saw I looked like an inflatable dinosaur, so they pretended I was a whoopee cushion? I don't know what went on in their heads.
Kids can be such airheads... uh... no offense.
It doesn't really matter to me anymore. I mean, look at me now! I've done it! I'm a character in a big name series like Mario. I may get beaten with rakes by an angry Japanese man if I blink once too often, but my paycheck has two digits more than those of any of the people I went to school with. I'm an accomplished dino.
How was your time working with the Mario crew? Did you enjoy it?
Ehhh... It was ok. Most of the time I was swimming, which is something I love doing, so that's a plus. Lots of people asked me how it was to work with a big cheese like Mario. I can't really give a good answer to that. Most of the contact I had with Mario I had with his butt, so the first thing that comes to mind when I think of him is the seat of a sweaty pair of overalls.
It's ok. I was in the water most of the time anyway, so it washed right off.
Was there anything that you would have wished to be different?
I don't know. It would have been nice if there were less bottomless pits surrounding the water. I'm not so good at dealing with heights. And I guess it would have helped to put little signs near those clear pipes to indicate their hold capacity. It's so embarrassing to get stuck, and it's just no fun, not for me, not for anybody involved.
What was your least favorite experience during this job?
I'd say getting touched by that weird disembodied hand. It wouldn't hurt to throw that thing into the washing machine every once in a while. I had to breathe through my mouth every time it came anywhere near me. Plus, I can't prove it, but I think that thing stole money from me.
Did you meet anyone else besides the protagonists of the game?
I also met Bowser. He's a reasonably nice guy; We had some coffee together once. He asked if he could ride me, but I had to decline; Those spikes on his back are wayyy scary. I don't think he took it well. Maybe next time I'll let him. But only if he puts corks on those spikes.
Very well, then thank you very much for this informative interview!
Thanks for hearing me out. It's nice to be able to talk without having something thrown at me for once.
To wrap this up: Since summer is on the way, do you have any cool advice for people visiting the swimming pool?
Don't swallow the water! You don't want to know all the terrifying things that go in there!
Last night, one of the all-time craziest records was broken by the all-star center of the Philadelphia Warriors.
Waluigi, 36, became the first professional basketball player to reach the 100-point plateau in a single game in the history of the sport. The center, who knocked down every shot because he refused to ever give it up with how red-hot he was, poured 100 points on the visiting Washington Wizards on Wednesday night.
Washington point guard John Wall, when asked about the 100-point game, refused to answer. He repeatedly claimed how Waluigi was ripping off his style… and his name.
Waluigi, after a long night of partying at a local bar in Philadelphia, finally issued a statement regarding his unbelievable achievement, stating “I would like to thank… absolutely everyone for supporting me in my life, in my career, in these long 36 years of my life… to be able to reach 100 points is just absolutely amazing. Of course, I did it, naturally. Wahaha. So I would like to thank myself, and I would like to thank the city of Washington for being my sacrificial lamb. We wuv you, Walla Walla, Washington! We wuv you, Walla Walla, Washington!”
The Philadelphia Warriors are sitting in dead last in the Atlantic Division, with a god-awful, horrifying record of 0-58. They dropped their game last night against the Washington Wizards by a score of 168-100.
The Philadelphia Warriors are not expected to re-sign free agent Waluigi come next season, and most likely, no team will ever target him again. The Warriors are back in action tomorrow night, when they take on the Nashville Elvises in a battle of rock and roll… and more Waluigi goodness. Several fans have voiced their displeasure in the Nashville Elvises being forced to take on the Warriors, stating that nothing good will come out of playing a team led by the mustachioed big-man. Waluigi, the 7’4” center who somehow manages to weigh only 100 pounds, has averaged only two points on the season.
Hello, and welcome to your Weather Forecast for February 21, 2020. I'm MCD, in case that's important to you.
As can be seen on the chart, nothing unusual seems to be happening with the weather in the Mushroom World.
North Grass Land is in the middle of its rainy season, though there's a small chance of some sun after midday. Maybe you'll see a rainbow? And maybe you'll see Luigi falling off it, burning up like a shooting star as he re-enters the atmosphere... East Grass Land is still suffering from floods. But hey, it could be worse. You should see the floods they have in Bowser Land.
Desert Land will likely see large amounts of sun in certain areas. This could have some vague connection to the fact that it's a desert. Temperatures are expected to soar to at least 75°C, which must be, like, 500 Farenheit or something, I don't know. Due to the high temperatures, you may want to wear a hat before going outside. Unless it's a red hat. That agitates the sun. Do not agitate the sun. Further south, it's raining Thwomps! Be sure to take an umbrella with you if you're going out.
Water Land is very wet.
Giant Land is either suffering from very large thunderstorms or very strong winds. I'm going to be honest, I don't know which land is which on the map up there. I mean, I recognise Desert Land, Sky Land and Ice Land. I'll just say Giant Land is the brown one. Giant Land is in the middle of a massive storm. Seriously. Lightning and everything. Again, taking an umbrella with you would be wise. Or a hat. Or one of those umbrella hats, you know. Your friends may laugh, but who'll be laughing when they've been struck by lightning and killed because they didn't wear an umbrella hat? Definitely not you. That's terrible news. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Sky Land is looking very cloudy at the moment. Some rain has been reported, but hopefully this'll clear up by 22:26. Temperatures are likely going to be around 0.34 MCDs. Huh? What are MCDs? Oh, they're new. Basically, 100°C is one MCD. Why? Because I'm so hot, I've...uh, reached boiling point? It's okay, this is what all the sciencey people use. Kelvin is history.
Ice Land is looking at highs of -0.15 MCDs, so you may want to wear a scarf. Or an umbrella hat. An umbrella hat won't keep you warm, but it will keep you stylish. Large amounts of snow have apparently started to fall, as have, according to the chart, fully-sized snowmen. Holding even more snow. Jesus christ. Don't go outside it's not worth it.
We sent a correspondant to Pipe Land and he got lost in the maze. We haven't seen him in twenty years.
Dark Land is, once again, almost entirely covered by black clouds of what is most likely smoke. Smoking is bad for your health and a definite no-no.
Thank you for reading my weather report. Stay safe, don't do drugs, and finish this sentence yourself because I can't.
The galaxy was shocked... wait seriously? People were shocked that this old bloke kicked the bucket the other day? I mean come on, Emperor Penguins have a roughly 20 year lifespan, this guy had enough time to grow a full, grey neckbeard and you expect people to be surprised?
According to my editor, the above is disrespectful to the recently deceased so I've been asked to change a few lines. The galaxy was shocked a few days ago as Penguru kicked the... died peacefully in his sleep at the grand old age of like a freaking thousand... I mean 27 and a half. His wife Mrs. Penguru said that the family would not release a formal comment until his will was read at his funeral.
Many galaxies have gone into mourning following this death, as Penguru was quite the traveller and racked up quite a lot of hotel bills from several of them. "It's lucky he died now, at the end of the month I was gonna send round one of my little friends to make sure he payed up," was one hotel owner's response. Another commented "At the end of the day, I'm just gonna force the £4000 debt onto his family, not like he's around to care anymore." Following these interviews I decided that I should find someone who may have been emotionally sad at this time to interview. "His loss is kinda sad, I guess still many more tasty penguins for me to have though," is what Guppy had to offer on this tragedy.
The galaxy has truly lost an outstanding member of the community this month, many young penguins used to listen in awe about his stories, and so did many teenage penguins, and adult penguins, and certain obituary writers who still maintain that his death is not a surprise. However, bidding has begun on his small little island (and I do mean small here), with bidding starting at around £4000. No idea why, it just is.
Thanks to Koopartol Brick Block (talk) (Forum profile) our ever-present question presenter and our anonymous readers for sending in questions! If you seek my flawless advice, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page! If you would like for there to be a doodle with the response to your question, feel free to request so and I'll see what I can do.