The 'Shroom:Issue LXXXVIII/Disaster at the Race Track
Disaster has struck at Mario Circuit today as there was a massive first lap collision, which was caused by Pink Gold Peach. As per the recent Mario Kart rules, penalties were given to Pink Gold Peach and the race was red flagged by the organisers, though many spectators found this questionable due to the fact that every racer was either dead or critically injured. A tentative restart to the session is planned in roughly two months.
Analysis of the replays by officials shows that the accident was caused when Pink Gold Peach wasn’t looking at the road and was instead just mindlessly waving at fans... a timely reminder that women can't drive. Further scrutiny of the replays show that Metal Mario played a secondary role in the accident, as he was observed to have steered directly into the path of Pink Gold Peach, most likely as a sharp overtake. However, failing to realise what just happened, the self-absorbed Princess continued to speed up and thus hitting Metal Mario's dangerously tail-gated arse. This appeared to cause a loss of control in both drivers. This began a "domino/gangup tiggy" effect as they effectively managed to cause every other racer to crash due to either hitting them, or crashing while trying to avoid them. Racing authorities decided to give both Pink Gold Peach and Metal Mario a penalty and fine their respective teams, though this is was later dismissed as redundancy as the remains of peach juice and shrapnel were discovered within the wreckage. Other casualties of the incident include Mario, Toadette, Baby Rosalina, Baby Peach, Larry Koopa, Wendy O. Koopa, Baby Luigi, various spectators and streakers on the track at the time, as well as my pen from Disney Land that I dropped down a drain whilst taking notes.
Now, over to our man who reports right from the disaster site.
*awkward 5 second delay during transmission from the studio*
Thanks 876, pleasure to be thrown from you to me. YK here reporting live from Mario Circuit, holding his nose against the stench of smoked peach juice. Officials have stated that the pile-up was caused by Pink Gold Peach's diagnosed egocentricism as she was waving at fans, seeking attention from the likes of arms dealers, investment bankers, cable heads, Paramatta supporters, backdoor specialists, informed sources, American politicians, mothers of two, Greek insomniacs, recidivists, Kiwi junkies, on-the-spot newsteams, chewed tongues, bemused Chinese, sailors out to conquer a girl and girls out to conquer the world. What a fucking joke!
Skies are currently overcast, with sunshine later in the afternoon with a good chance of chiaroscuro. Right now it's 70 degrees with a top of '77, which just happens to be the year of my first marriage. But honestly lookin' back there was nothing tops about it. Now some of yous is probably wondering why an almost 40 year old guy is trying to convince readers that he is actually a qualified journalist and news reporter reporting from some third-dimension Mario Circuit conceived in the minds of a few Japanese game developers and delivered nine months later on millions TV screens throughout the world, while he is actually some Aussie typing on some shitty Acer laptop freezing his arse off in the middle of Winter wearing nothing but boxers and socks because his favourite Transformers shirt is up drying on the line, up till past 11 the night before this 'Shroom issue is due. But hopefully not many of you gave that much of a thought, because wouldn't that be embarrassing for us reliable 'Shroom writers? Rhetorical question, but go ahead and pm me your thoughts simply because. Peace out, it's back to you cuz.
Thank you YK, unfortunately as you can see I have been kicked out of the studio, apparently making snarky comments about this disaster was not appropriate and I’ve been fired. Thank you for tuning into ‘Shroom News, hopefully I’ve have begged my way back into the studio next time. Until then, can you please bring me some food?