The 'Shroom:Issue 204/Fake News

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Director's Notes

Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)

Shroom2022 WT.png

Hello there, Fake News readers! The march of time continues because we're now in March, and our writers are ready to bring you new editions of their sections! So march ahead and read everything they have to offer, just like the name of that one track in Paper Mario.

We've got some good stuff for you, as always! It's been a little bit since the last auction, but Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents is back with more interesting stuff to throw money at! We also have a guest submission of Weather Forecast by yours truly, the first one written in 4 years! I wonder what everyone's been doing without weather forecasts this whole time...

For all you sports enthusiasts, ClawgripFan9001 has an extra big edition of Sport Report this time around, sailing over to Keelhaul Key to cover a round of golf! And speaking of sailing, Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) are reporting on a nautical news story in the Pokémon universe this time around, so Mushroom Tribune has been temporarily renamed to The Slateport Circular.

We do have one of our usual sections absent in this issue - The Sorcery Show is taking the month off to give Pyro and Kroop some extra time to prepare for their next big show. We should be seeing them again soon, though! We've still got all your other favorites that I haven't mentioned yet, and I'm sure you're excited to see them, so I won't keep you here too much longer.

If you'd be interested in contributing to Fake News, we'd love to have you, whether it's a recurring section or just a one-off! Everything you need to get started with an application is on our sign up page, or you can send a volunteer submission of sections like News Flush or Weather Forecast direct to me with no application or further commitment required!

Section of the Month

The results are in! TheBlueCatMenace takes first place with a trip to Lake Lapcat in The Sunshine Travel Guide, CAT-aloging all the great sights to see there! Coming in second we have Dear Waluigi Time with advice on Conkdor Containment, pirate weaponry, and how to not die as an action hero. And in third, Quizmelon (talk) featured an unlikely criminal duo, artistic competitions, and a dishonest caveman on the programs for TV Tomorrow, all while trying to deal with an ever-unraveling continuity. Be sure to keep supporting the team with your votes, and feel free to message our writers with a show of support or toss a nomination in the Poochy's Picks form for some extra recognition!

Place Section Votes % Writer
1st The Sunshine Travel Guide 15 31.25% TheBlueCatMenace
2nd Dear Waluigi Time 12 25.00% Waluigi Time (talk)
3rd TV Tomorrow 9 18.75% Quizmelon (talk)

News and entertainment
At least the lore is still more cohesive than Nintendo's!
Like looking for a needle in a Toad stack.
Watch out, this zesty chef might whack you!
I hope this section isn't a mirage!
A little dry humor never hurt anyone!
Get the inside scoop on great travel destinations!
Don't keel over on the golf course!

TV Tomorrow

Written by: Quizmelon (talk)

Oh no. I thought it was only the cross-dimensional multiversal shenanigans that were messing up the coherence of TV Tomorrow. I got all of that ironed out more or less with the Barbie Conjecture. But everything's still all messed up, and I've realised why - there is very little logic or consistency within the continuity of TV Tomorrow itself! Here's an example. Early on there was this channel I mentioned called Kart Racing Live for televised Mario Kart races, but ever since then the karting's been shown on MKBC Sports - and then when I did bring the idea of a karting-only channel back, it's now called Mario Kart TV. And let's not even get into how Kamek is somehow both a 'pseudo-magician' and a genuine actual wizard, as well as a comedy writer, soap creator, prank show host, game show contestant, and master actor. I really need to write a column bible… and so to start here's a few extra verses, in the form of three more of tomorrow's best in TV!

A screen shot of Swordfighter Peach from Princess Peach: Showtime!
Peach stars in swashbuckling adventure By the Sword, starting tomorrow on MKBC1.

New: By the Sword
MKBC1, 7pm
Genre: Adventure

This is the Mushroom Kingdom's latest attempt at those extravagant yet exciting teatime fantasy adventure series, the kind that's simultaneously suitable for the whole family while still being dramatic enough to be interesting. And it promises to be one of the best of its kind. Peach leads a stellar all-star cast as Swordfighter Peach, a dashing young cavalier and master fencer just out to rambunctiously battle her way through a male-dominated society. But when a greater enemy emerges that threatens the kingdom, Swordfighter Peach must rise to the occasion as a swashbuckling hero. A wonderfully enjoyable romp with high production value, deep storytelling, and a healthy dose of feminist messaging, it'll doubtless become a cult classic several years down the road.

Wario in the Shake Dimension of Wario Land: Shake It!
Wario presents his Rough Guide to the newfound Shake Dimension, tomorrow at 8pm.

Wario's Rough Guide to the Shake Dimension
MKBC2, 8pm
Genre: Travel show

This rough-n'-tumble travel show marks Wario's return to mainstream television after a few years out doing community theatre and (largely aborted) film projects. Created in response to a kingdom still fizzing at the discovery of a new interdimensionality courtesy of Waluigi, Wario is determined not to let his friend outdo him, and as such has discovered his own new and easily accessible dimension, the Shake Dimension, within an ancient globe at the Toad Town Museum. This show has him chart a winding path across the world to show off its many sights and wonders, ranging from the majestic ruins of Ratl to the lively yet hedonistic city of Rocking Range. It's poised to set off a major boom in tourism interest around interdimensional travel, so is not to be missed (however much it annoyingly complicates my lore)!

Screenshot of Kamek racing on 3DS Rainbow Road in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe.
While Quizmelon grapples with his continuity, you can catch the Moon Cup finale tomorrow at 3.30 on EKPN.

150cc Moon Cup: Live at 3DS Rainbow Road
EKPN, 3.30pm
Genre: Mario Kart

The 150cc Moon Cup, this month's biggest karting competition, comes to a thrilling close at 3DS Rainbow Road tomorrow in what promises to be a very exciting race. Battling it out at the front of the pack are two-time champ Dry Bowser, dark horse Toadette, and the current leader, Kam… what?! Come on, this is getting ridiculous, Kamek can't be a karting star as well, he's got enough jobs as it is! This will only complicate things more. And now that I notice it, EKPN? The Entertainment and Karting Programming Network? Seriously? Where did that come from? When did we invent another one of these karting channels? This is such a mess. Oh, and while we're asking questions, why do they call it 3DS Rainbow Road? They don't have 3DSs in the Mushroom Kingdom, that sequence of symbols would make no sense to them. And another thing…

Well then. Honestly I think it's time to pack it in and accept that TV Tomorrow will simply never present a consistent version of the universe. There's no organising this cupboard, I tell you. And all the metatextuality of the past few months is rather dispelling the magic of the notion that these shows are non-fictional. But then again, that's something I've been inconsistent about through the years too - sometimes I'm explicitly reviewing fictional television; sometimes I'm reviewing apparently real shows; there was even an early one where I implied I was based in the Mushroom Kingdom, which meant all those World Tour shenanigans wouldn't have made any sense at all. Never mind. I shall put this all behind me. Here's to the mercurial world of TV Tomorrow, the postmodern epic of confusion. Who cares whether what it conjures up next is coherent? All that matters is you can catch that conjuring in April, in all its inconsistent glory. See you then!

Dear Waluigi Time

Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: MaximumRK, Zdrmonster, and MightyMario


Dear Waluigi Time,

After 7 years, I finally woke up. I still feel quite tired, so can you think of some ways to increase my energy?

Sincerely, Siivagunner

7 years? Dang, that's a long time to sleep. You might want to consider buying an alarm clock, just a suggestion.

Anyway, everyone knows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and when you've been sleeping for 7 years, it's... let's see, 7 times 365, account for the leap year... approximately 2,556 times more important than usual! Scientifically proven, mathematically verified, there you go. That being said, could I interest you in some CEREAL? Yeah, I bet you are. I'll even send you back some coupons.

If you need a little extra pep in your step after that, how about a little jolt of electricity? Done safely, of course! Don't go running facefirst into Amps or anything, I don't want to be held liable for that. I'm thinking more along the lines of snacking on a Volt Shroom! That oughta give you some zip, just make sure to avoid physical contact with anyone for a little while. Those electrical shocks can be nasty!

Here's to staying energized!


Hello Waluigi Time, long time Bubble Dragon, first time asker!

I was wondering if you could tell me where Toadette is, I heard something about her slime form abilities being upgraded and I was wondering what that actually meant. Thanks!

- Bubblun

Toadette? I think I saw her on TV... Although that probably wouldn't do you much good unless you can jump inside of it, like Blue's Clues. Come to think of it, that was a few months ago, anyway. Well, I don't know anything about her current whereabouts, but I have some advice to help you!

Did you know that certain dogs and pigs are trained to hunt fungus? It's true, you can look it up! So obviously you need to get one of those to track down Toadette for you. Maybe just snatch a Li'l Oink from that farm in Toad Town or something. Now here comes the tricky part, actually tracking her. Like I said, you have to train the animal to hunt Toads! I don't really know how to do that, but it's probably pretty easy, right? Just let it sniff a few Toads so it knows what they smell like, show it a picture of Toadette, and you're off to the races! Finding one shouldn't be too hard, this kingdom's crawling with 'em.

Oh yeah, this kingdom is crawling with Toads... You can probably expect lots of false positives, so prepare ahead of time by setting aside a good chunk of your day! Or you could just leave the animal to find Toadette on its own while you do other things. Of course, then you'd have to have something else track that down, and that seems like it's going to spiral into a comical scenario really fast. Scratch that, keep your tracker supervised.

How did this happen anyway? Doesn't everyone have a cellphone these days? Well, best of luck on your search, all the same.


Dear Waluigi Time,

Do you have any advice on how me and my boyfriend can find the perfect cat? We've been thinking of adopting one or two from our local shelter, so your advice would be really helpful to us!


Uh... I don't really know, I have a dog. But adopting dogs and cats is probably pretty similar, so allow me to do a little extrapolating, alright?

When you go to the shelter, try to find a cat that speaks to you! I mean figuratively, not literally. If a cat literally speaks to you then adopt that sucker immediately and make buckets of money with your new talking cat! But I digress. Sometimes you're lucky enough that something just clicks and you can sense a connection there. If that happens, don't hesitate and just go for it! Unless you form an instant bond with like, ten cats at the same time. That could get pricey.

Ooh, here's a fun trick to determine cat eligibility: use a Super Bell, and then you can communicate with cats! Think of it like interviewing a potential roommate. (Does the Cat Suit actually work like that? I don't know. Let me know if it does.)

Good luck finding the purr-fect companion!

Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!

Cooking Guide

Written by: ClawgripFan9001

Yar, greetings an' salutations, fellow aspirin' chefs! It be me, that seasoned Sidestepper, ClawgripFan9001! So last month, we paid a visit ta Tayce T in Toad Town ta learn 'ow ta make a Shroom Roast! This time, we're gonna be learnin' 'ow ta make a delicious pastry that be known as the Whacka Cream Sandwich! An' in order ta learn 'ow ta make a Whacka Cream Sandwich, we'll be payin' a visit ta Zess T in Rogueport! When I arrived at Zess T's place in Rogueport an' pushed open the door, I was greeted by a rather grumpy lookin' Zess T.

Yar, she don't be takin' a likin' ta me fer some reason...

"Yar, why do ye be lookin' so grumpy, ma'am?" ClawgripFan9001 asked Zess T with a curious tilt of his head.

"Because I can't believe that out of all possible dishes you could have asked me to make, you've asked me to make a Whacka Cream Sandwich. I'm a professional chef, not a pastry chef, Mr. Luggs," Zess T told ClawgripFan9001, the grumpy look not leaving her face.

"Yar, me manager did tell me she liked ta give people nicknames..." ClawgripFan9001 muttered under his breath before speaking out loud again. "Aye, that be the case, ma'am. I understand ye don't be fond o' makin' this kind o' stuff, but if I don't know 'ow ta make a Whacka Cream Sandwich, 'ow the 'eck do me readers?" he asked Zess T as he proceeded to hand her a bag filled with the necessary ingredients.

"Of course. Now let's get this over with so I can get back to cooking more fine dining," Zess T nodded towards the Sidestepper as she spread the ingredients out onto the kitchen counter.

"Yar, all the ingredients ye need be there: A Whacka Bump, a batch o' Cream an' a portion o' Strawberries," ClawgripFan9001 informed Zess T as he proceeded to pull out his notepad and pencil to start writing down the cooking instructions.

"Okay, now listen carefully, because I won't be repeating myself again, Greedy Smurf," Zess T told ClawgripFan9001, who nodded in understanding.

"Right. The first thing you need to do is cut the Whacka Bump in half using a bread knife. Next, use a butter knife to spread the Cream onto the lower half of the Whacka Bump. Next, wash the Strawberries, slice them into pieces and then apply them to the dish. Put the upper half of the Whacka Bump on top of it, and then you're done. That wasn't so hard now, was it?" Zess T asked ClawgripFan9001 after she explained to him how to make the dish.

ClawgripFan9001 nodded as he finished writing down the cooking instructions. "Yar, thanks fer explainin' ta me readers 'ow ta make this dish, ma'am. I'm sure they've gotten a lot wiser on 'ow ta develop their culinary skills," he thanked Zess T for her help.

"Don't mention it. Next time though, ask me to make a more refined dish," Zess T replied to him.

Whacka Cream Sandwich.png

Yar, so this be what ye need ta make a Whacka Cream Sandwich!


  • A Whacka Bump
  • Cream
  • Strawberries


  • A bread knife
  • A butter knife
  • A sink


  1. Cut the Whacka Bump in 'alf usin' a bread knife.
  2. Spread the Cream onto the lower 'alf o' the Whacka Bump usin' a butter knife.
  3. Wash the Strawberries, slice 'em into pieces an' apply 'em ta the dish.
  4. Put the upper 'alf o' the Whacka Bump on top, an' yer done!

Yar, that be everythin' ye need ta know fer makin' yer very own Whacka Cream Sandwich, mateys! 'Opefully ye found this as muchuva educational experience as I did, an' I 'ope ta see ye next month with a new dish ta make!

The Slateport Circular

Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)

This article sourced from The Slateport Circular, proudly spreading the news across the southwestern Hoenn region since 2002!

New Investigation Conclusively Disproves Existence of Rumored Mirage Island

An Artist's Depiction of the Alleged "Mirage Island"

At a press conference on Friday afternoon at the prestigious Slateport Oceanic Museum, Captain Stern announced that his team's extensive investigation of the Route 130 area discovered no evidence for the existence of the so-called "Mirage Island". Before taking questions from members of the press, the leader of the Pacifidlog Oceanic Expedition concluded his remarks with the following statement:

Given these findings, I feel confident in saying, definitively, with the most extensive search of the waters of Route 130 undertaken to date and an array of scientific equipment measuring factors as diverse as ocean currents and infrared readings, we have shown once and for all that Mirage Island does not exist. I know this result will be disappointing to many. For years, rumors of Mirage Island have helped to engender a fascination with the vast sea and all of its mysteries. I would encourage any who feel a twinge of disappointment at this revelation to consider, however, that, with the trove of data this investigation has gathered, we have taken a massive step forward in understanding much larger mysteries. The sea's size, immense as it is, makes it a challenging and honorable task to understand its motions and the cycles which take place within it. Today, while we may have lost a rumored island, that island was but a speck in a vast sea that beckons for us to reach out and investigate it.

The Pacifidlog Oceanic Expedition garnered considerable attention last year when it was announced, in no small part due to the public's interest in Mirage Island. While the search for the long-rumored island was only a small component of the larger investigation of the ocean around Pacifidlog Town, popular culture's fascination with the mysterious island, said to only be visible on extremely rare occasions, led to the team emphasizing the search for the island in subsequent public statements and announcements.

The stories and rumors surrounding Mirage Island pre-date written history, stretching far back into stories passed down orally in Pacifidlog Town. While reports of the island's existence are concentrated in the town, numerous sailors over the years have reported seeing the island, and logs and maps dating back centuries make sporadic references to a landmass roughly matching the purpoted size and location of the island. Despite this and modern isolated eyewitness reports, no definitive evidence for the island's existence has ever been uncovered, and in recent decades the scholarly consensus that the island is nothing more than a myth has grown.

For a broader perspective on Captain Stern's conclusion, we turn to Ruin Maniac Pitohui and Tuber Shoey:

Hooded Pitohui Captain Stern acknowledges that this announcement will be a disappointment to some, Shoe, and let me tell you, to me, it's a massive disappointment. This is closed-minded thinking that stands against the scientific pursuit of knowledge. This is a classic tale of dismissing local knowledge. Look, look, I grant that, no, there is no hard evidence of Mirage Island existing, only eyewitness accounts and some inconsistent records from old sailors. I grant that the ocean currents and the movement of air around Route 130 are inconsistent with the presence of an island. I even grant that there is no mechanism anyone has proposed which would explain how an entire island "disappears". Yet, are we in the right to simply call the oral histories of those living in Pacifidlog Town - descendants of seafarers from long ago - wrong? Do we not think there might be some grain of truth to a story that has persisted for so long, and that has circumstantial accounts from sailors throughout the centuries reporting it? I ask, will Captain Stern be the one to speak with that elderly man in Pacifidlog Town and tell him that he must be hallucinating, that he never saw an island through the telescope at his house? I know those of us who still believe Mirage Island to exist don't have much to show, but let's remember that nobody has yet explained the unusual stilling of the air currents over Route 131. Let's remember that it was Captain Stern's own expedition in the Submarine Explorer One two years ago which unveiled the Sealed Chamber, with writing discovered within that closely matches the legends of constructs made of ice, rock, and steel that have been passed down in Pacifidlog Town. Who's to say we won't find new explanations for how an island can be cloaked from seafarers as we investigate those unknown factors? Why should we find evidence supporting one set of rumors, but dismiss another? Shoe, I don't think we've disproved Mirage Island's existence; we've only ruled out some methods of proving it.
Shoey Hood, it is time to end this nonsense! There is no Mirage Island, pure and simple. The claim that there's this mystical island off the coast of Pacifidlog Town that only shows up when the weather is just right doesn't make any sense! It's nothing more then a story passed down to entertain and amaze children. Let's look at some facts, shall we? They say the island only appears in just the right weather conditions, yet those weather conditions are so rare that nobody has ever been able to show any proof that the island actually exists. Instead, the only "proof" seems to be the long and storied oral tradition of said island's existence. Let's think about what those stories say. That there's an island that contains the Liechi Berry, a berry with the perfect mixture of spice and bitterness to create perfect Gold Pokéblocks. That there's an island that contains Wynaut who love humans so much they practically throw themselves into a trainer's Poké Balls? An Island that, when it appears, creates whirlpools so massive and so powerful that they prevent anyone from entering or leaving? It's nonsense! Hood, it doesn't exist - it's a fairy tale. We as responsible journalists have to stop encouraging such sensationalism! For hundreds of years people have traveled that route! For hundreds of years people have lived in Pacifidlog Town! Yet as far as I can tell nobody claims to have ever found the island! And what has driven this "great" expedition? The ramblings of a half-senile old man who claims to have once seen the island with his telescope? Something that nobody else in the town can corroborate! Even the so-called great oral legends of this island are suspect. We only have vague tellings passed down from generation to generation claiming an island appears only when the weather is right. Yet this so-called "weather" changes from tale to tale. Some claim it only appears to sailors sailing through the densest of fogs, while others say it only appears during heavy rain and rough waters, claiming the island exists to protect travelers. Finally, others still say it can only be seen on nights of clear sky and clear waters where the light of the full moon will reveal it. Yes, I will admit that, of all the great seas of Hoenn, the waters here are too rough for Pokémon Trainers to safely dive in. So, from that aspect, I see the value of this expedition as part of an effort to further our understanding of the great Hoenn seas. But that's not what it's being advertised as. It's not collecting funding off an effort to better scope out the seas. No, it's collecting funding as some fanciful adventure to find a mysterious island that doesn't exist! Like I said Hood, we as journalists must stop reporting this sensationalism. It gives credibility to things like this, ridiculous wastes of time that will only serve to lead to disappointment and waste a lot of people's money. I suppose the only solace is that hopefully this finally shows the people that this so-called Mirage Island is just that, a mirage!

Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick

Weather Forecast

Written by: Thurs T. (talk)


Hey there fellow Dryites, Thurs T. here with the weekly forecast for Dry Dry Outpost. It's going to be another dry one, shocker, I know! Be sure to stay hydrated out there, and pack plenty of extra fluids if you have business outside of town.

Day Predicted Temperatures Forecast Precipitation Chance
Monday Sunny 86ºF / 52ºF Very hot and very dry. 0%
Tuesday Sunny 88ºF / 57ºF Hey, guess what? It's still hot and dry! 0%
Wednesday Sunny, high winds 87ºF / 49ºF High winds expected today, outlook of sandstorms kicking up seems likely. Also, it's still dry. 0%
Thursday Sunny 90ºF / 57ºF No moisture whatsoever! 0%
Friday Sunny 90ºF / 55ºF It's dry again. 0%
Sunday Sunny 89ºF / 58ºF Living up to its name. Sunny and dry. Woohoo. 0%

Sometimes, I'm not sure why I even bother...

The Sunshine Travel Guide

Written by: TheBlueCatMenace

Bowser: Apparently a vacation location?

Hey, everyone. It's me, back with another issue of your favourite/least favourite travel guide. I guess I should explain. There I was, in Blubble Lake, searching for a place to vacation, when I found a mysterious pipe. I decided to travel through it, which probably wasn't very smart, and found myself…somewhere. I did a bit of digging and found out it was, uh, Bowser…

I was exploring Bowser (that sounds so wrong) when I realized something. I LEFT THE IRON ON!! Also I realized Bowser was a great travel destination too. So after a bit of negotiations, I managed to gain temporary permission to use Bowser as a travel destination. So, if you're not uncomfortable, let's go into Bowser (you know what I mean) and explore the strangest resort in the Mushroom Universe!


The map of Bowser's body
A convenient map showing key locations in Bowser's body.

Bowser's Body. It's not a place you'd expect would be great for a holiday. Somehow, though, it ticks all the boxes for a good holiday. Entertaining, relaxing, and beautiful. It all depends on where you are. Also it depends on whether you can forget you are inside a living creature or not.

The main method to get into Bowser is using a pipe. Somehow, some of the pipes in the Mushroom Kingdom are, uh, connected to inside Bowser? Don't think too hard about it. From there you should make your way to Toad Square pretty easily. From here, you can check in and begin planning a route around Bowser's Body.

We've stationed a few reluctant Sunshine Travel Agency employees there to help out. They'll be able to give you more in-depth descriptions of locales. For thrills, I'd recommend the Airway, Flab Zone, which is only accessible sometimes, Pump Works, or Energy Hold. These locations hold quite a few things to fight and lots of fun things to mess around with.

For more beautiful and relaxing places, head to the Flame Pipe, Memory Banks, which now has a theater for viewing entertaining memories, or any of the muscle centers.

PSA: Avoid these locations

As stated by Travel Guide Laws, I have to warn you of any dangerous locations. Avoid these locations or else.

Gut Check

Essentially Bowser's stomach. Avoid unless you want to be slowly and painfully digested.

Nose Deck

It's Bowser's nose, therefore disgusting.

Rump Command



Suspicious Mushroom
VacuumMushroom.png Some weird green guy was selling this. He was muttering about "a plan that did the failing" and something called a Dork Star…
PRICE: Free?
Mario's Hammer
The Hammer icon in Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story A hammer owned by Mario. Apparently it was used in a battle with the Dork Star, whatever that is. Still, I'm not sure what it's doing in Bowser.
PRICE: Negotiable
Attack Piece
An Attack Piece from Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story This is a special puzzle piece that can be used to make a puzzle and teach you a super powerful attack! Apparently were used by Mario and Luigi to defeat the Dork Star and some guy named Asthma. Huh.
PRICE: 50 coins each


A bite sized issue today for two reasons. One, I am sick as I type this and can't put as much energy into writing, and two, I had less time to devote to writing. Still, I put a lot of effort into this, and it still took me a good hour, but there's an obvious difference in length compared to other issues. Again, I apologise. Anyway, let me know your feelings about these shorter issues on the Forums. See ya!

Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents

Written by: The Shoe (talk) and Time (talk) Advertising Conglomerate

We here at the Overlook Mountain Auction House are proud to offer another one-of-a-kind item. Up for auction this month, thanks to a generous partnership with the Mushroom Kingdom Coin Collecting Association, is the Rare Frog Coin. Minted in 1931, this Frog Coin has a rare and unique error on its surfaces! While a regular Frog Coin has a frog on both the front and the back, this special coin, thanks to a minting error, instead has a frog on the front and a toad on the back! Despite the efforts of the Tadpole Pond government to destroy this batch of failed coins, a few managed to leak out to the open market. In fact, of the 500 coins that were alleged to be minted, only 15 are known to still exist to this day, making this a must-attend auction for any coin collector or collector of historical oddities! Our doors will open and the bidding will begin at 7:00 PM MST. Already we've got a number of big spenders confirmed to be attending, such as Moneybag, with his deep pockets. Frogfucius will be attending, hoping to win back his land's honor (or something). Even the dreaded Captain Syrup of the Black Sugar Gang has confirmed her attendance, telling us she can't resist the allure of such a rare coin. Bidding will start at 1,000 coins and because of the rare and almost one-of-a-kind nature of the Rare Frog Coin, all weapons will need to be checked at the door and there will be extra security to make sure the auction goes smoothly. For anyone interested in rare antiques and even rarer coins, you do not want to miss out on this auction. This could be your only chance to get your hands on a toad-sided Rare Frog Coin! So, Saturday, March 23rd, 7:00 PM, join us for what is sure to be one of the most valuable auctions in Mushroom Kingdom history!

Sport Report

Written by: ClawgripFan9001

Ahoy, mateys! Welcome ta a new edition o' the Sport Report! I be yer friendly emcee, ClawgripFan9001, ready ta take ye on 'nother sports adventure in the Mushroom World! It be March, which means springtime will be arrivin' in the Northern 'Emisphere o' the Real World! Where I be livin' in the Real World, things be lookin' a wee bit crummy, but at least we don't 'ave ta deal with the pourin' rain as o' me time writin' this! An' ta celebrate the arrival o' springtime, we're gonna be settin' sail fer 'nother warm land o' the Mushroom World fer t'day's sports news!

Fer t'day's sports news, I docked me ship at the wonderful tropical paradise o' Keelhaul Key, which was discovered by the hero o' the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario 'imself, who went on an expedition ta the place 'longside a band o' sailors in order ta find the fifth Crystal Star durin' 'is trek ta defeat the Shadow Queen. When I arrived at Keelhaul Key, I found its residents preparin' fer a good ol'-fashioned round o' golf. I 'aven't covered a golf game in this section b'fore, so this be rather excitin' fer me, mateys!

B'fore the game started, I was able ta get a hold o' me ol' matey, Pa-Patch fer an interview. Pa-Patch told me that the residents o' Keelhaul Key like ta organize golf games every now an' then ta bring a bit o' variety into their otherwise lazy island lives. Yar, I do be understandin' where Pa-Patch be comin' from. The island life be all peaceful an' quiet, but it do be gettin' a bit boring after a while, so ta shake things up from time ta time with a sports event be a good idea, if ye ask me.

Anyway, with that little interview outta the way, it's time ta meet t'day's golf players! First up, it be Thriff T, the owner o' the Keelhaul Galleria, the local general store o' Keelhaul Key! Thriff T used ta run the Toad Bros. Bazaar in Rogueport 'longside 'is brother Plenn T, but o'ertime, Thriff T wanted ta run 'is own shop, so when Mario an' Company set sail fer Keelhaul Key, Thriff T tagged along in the 'opes o' openin' 'is own shop on the island, which 'e eventually did! E'er since, Thriff T's been enjoyin' the island life as well as the occasional sports event takin' place on the island! Thriff T told me 'e be confident in 'is chances o' winnin t'day's sports event, which be nice ta see! If 'e actually do end up winnin' remains ta be seen, but it be good ta believe in yerself!

The second o' t'day's golf players be Heal T, who runs Keelhaul Key's local inn. Heal T mostly keeps ta 'erself out 'ere on Keelhaul Key, not leavin' the inn she runs much an' only interactin' with the other residents o' the island when absolutely necessary, but whene'er there be a sports event takin' place on the island, Heal T likes ta come outta 'er inn ta participate. T'day's golf game be one o' those occasions, an' while she told me it would be nice if she were ta win t'day's golf game, she'd be just as 'appy ta compete fer the sport! Yar, Heal T be a rather 'umble athlete, if ye ask me! Time will tell if that 'umbleness will pay off!

The third o' t'day's golf players be me matey Pa-Patch 'imself. As resident representative o' Keelhaul Key, Pa-Patch naturally likes ta get in on the sports action takin' place on the island. While Pa-Patch don't 'ave any 'ands ta 'old 'is club, 'e still be a proficient golf player. At least, that's what 'e be tellin' me. Anyway, 'e be tellin' me that 'e believes 'is chances o' winnin' t'day's golf game be up in the air, like a Bullet Bill shootin' outta a Bill Blaster. Yar, it be dangerous ta leave yer odds o' victory up ta fate, but given that we be characters in a Nintendo game, an' the word Nintendo be Japanese fer "Leave luck ta 'eaven", I can't 'elp but like Pa-Patch's way o' thinkin'!

The fourth an' final o' t'day's golf players be the second richest man in Rogueport, Flavio! This fancy schmancy entrepeneur once went on an expedition ta Keelhaul Key 'longside Mario and Company on 'is favorite ship, the S.S. Flavion b'fore it was sunk at the 'ands o' the forces o' Cortez, the feared undead pirate captain. While Pa-Patch an' the other residents o' Keelhaul Key don't be takin' a likin' ta 'im, they still invited 'im ta come play golf t'day 'cause no other residents o' Keelhaul Key were willin' ta volunteer fer t'day's golf game. From the brief conversation I 'ad with Flavio b'fore the game, 'e told me that it only be acceptable fer 'im ta claim victory in t'day's golf game, an' that any other result would be a great stain on 'is record. Yar, I can see why Pa-Patch be callin' this man "Fancy Pants", 'cause 'e really be more vain than a mermaid.

Anyway, now that we've met our four players, it be time fer the game ta get underway! Due ta time constraints, we're unable ta show ye a full eighteen-'ole game t'day, so instead, we'll opt fer a shorter nine-'ole game! Our first 'ole be located at the docks o' Keelhaul Key, with multiple ships floatin' in the water an' the 'ole the ball 'as ta land in bein' located at the grassy grounds ye be steppin' on after leavin' the docks! The goal o' this first 'ole be fer our players ta get the ball 'cross the multiple ships an' onto dry land! The par fer this 'ole be four, which means the players 'ave ta try an' get the ball into the 'ole in 'bout four strokes! Yar, now let's get this game started!

Thriff T be goin' up first, an' 'e shoots the ball with an unusual amount o' aggression fer a Toad! S'posedly, this be 'cause Thriff T used ta play ice hockey with 'is brother when they were younger, an' Thriff T brings the aggression o' the ice hockey rink ta the golf course! An' it looks like that tactic be payin' off, 'cause Thriff T's got huge drives that send the ball flyin' cross multiple ships an' onto dry land, specifically, on the green! Thriff T gets applauded fer this huge drive, after which it be Heal T's turn at play!

Unlike Thriff T though, Heal T takes a much calmer an' more reserved approach ta shootin' the ball, an' she sends the ball flyin' o'er two ships, after which the ball lands on the deck o' a third ship. While this play was not as impressive as Thriff T's huge drive, Heal T still gets applauded fer 'er play all the same, an' it now be Pa-Patch's turn at play!

Much like Thriff T, Pa-Patch be showin' off 'is huge drives, as 'e smacks the ball with unbridled aggression, sendin' the ball flyin' through the air, 'cross the water, an' onto the green! Yar, that certainly was a nice shot that Pa-Patch took right there! Let's see if Flavio be able ta talk the talk an' walk the walk at the same time!

Yar, this lad should stay away from the tropics from now on.

Flavio be at turn now, an' with a bellowin' "Fore", 'e shoots the ball as 'ard as 'e can, only fer the ball ta be sent 'orribly outta direction an' into the water, causin' the crowd ta let out an audible "Aw" in the process while Flavio angrily stomps 'is foot at this misfortune! 'E's now forced ta redo the shot with a stroke penalty, which 'e does, only fer the ball ta not get very far as it lands on the second ship! As Flavio steps back ta brood o'er this, Thriff T now be at turn once again!

'Avin' made 'is way o'er ta the green, Thriff T be ready ta putt the ball into the 'ole! The store owner readies, aims, takes the shot, an' putts the ball into the 'ole! Yar, that be an Eagle fer Thriff T, an' the store owner grins as 'e pumps 'is fist in euphoria at this great score on the first 'ole! Thriff T walks o'er ta a bench ta take a rest while 'e waits fer 'is opponents ta clear this first 'ole!

It now be Heal T's turn at play again, with the innkeeper readyin' 'erself, takes 'er aim, an' she makes the shot, sendin' the ball flyin' 'cross the water an' the ships once more as the ball proceeds ta land on the wooden docks! Yar, Heal T be slowly but surely gettin' there, an' we now switch ta Pa-Patch at the green as 'e prepares ta putt the ball!

Pa-Patch takes a deep breath ta calm 'is nerves, an' then taps the ball into the 'ole, clearin' the first 'ole with an Eagle! Our one-eyed bandit be laughin' 'appily at 'is score an' proceeds ta join Thriff T on the bench ta take a rest while waitin' fer the remainder o' the group ta finish!

It now be Flavio's turn again, an' 'e swings 'is 'ips, then 'is club, an' knocks the ball through the air an' onto the fourth ship, which be the final ship b'fore the ball reaches dry land! Flavio grins an' nods in satisfaction at this shot, an' we switch back ta Heal T.

Heal T prepares ta try an' shoot in the ball into the 'ole from where she currently be standin', so she shoots, an' lands the ball in the 'ole! Yar, that be a Birdie fer Heal T! The innkeeper 'appily claps her 'ands in celebration o' completin' the 'ole, which means that we just 'ave ta wait on Flavio ta complete the 'ole b'fore we can move on ta the next one!

As Heal T takes a seat on the bench, Flavio shoots 'is next shot, gettin' the ball onto the green but not quite yet into the 'ole. Flavio now be on 'is final stroke, so 'e putts the ball o'er ta the 'ole, an' gets it inside! That be Par fer Flavio! All players successfully completed the 'ole, which means we be movin' on ta the next one!

These spectral seafarers be sure ta burn our players out!

The second 'ole be takin' place in the shantytown where most o' the people o' Keelhaul Key live! This next 'ole features Embers tryin' ta block the ball, an' if players are unfortunate enough ta knock the ball into any o' these Embers, the ball bounces right off o' 'em, an' the players also need ta be careful not ta 'it any o' the buildings situated in the shantytown, 'cause the ball will bounce off o' those as well. An' then o' course, there be the sandy beach an' the blue ocean nearby, which, if the ball is landed in there, earns the players a stroke penalty, which ye definitely don't want ta get. The par fer this 'ole once again be four, which means that like with the previous 'ole, players will 'ave ta land the ball in the 'ole with four strokes.

Thriff T be up again first, an' with 'is trademark huge drive, 'e sends the ball flyin' through the air, o'er the flamin' 'eads o' the Embers floatin' in the sky, onto the green, an', what's this?! 'Ole-In-One! Our resident shopkeeper 'as managed ta sink the ball in a single stroke! Thriff T celebrates 'is 'Ole-In-One with a 'appy dance as the crowd applauds 'is efforts!

Next, it be Heal T again, an' much like with the first 'ole, the innkeeper takes a more laid back approach ta playin' golf, with 'er thwackin' the ball through the air b'fore landin' it in the beach sand! Yar, the ball be dangerously close ta gettin' into the water, so Heal T should consider 'erself lucky 'ere!

Pa-Patch be up fer play now, an' like with Thriff T on the last 'ole, he be playin' with a huge drive, which unfortunately fer 'im, is met with sabotage from the Embers as the ball collides with one o' the flamin' spirits an' drops down onto the sand! Yar, what an unlucky break fer Pa-Patch! But the one-eyed bandit don't be lettin' it get ta 'im as 'e simply awaits 'is next turn!

Finally, it be Flavio's turn again, as the entrepeneur makes the shot, only fer it ta once again go terribly off course as the ball is sent flyin' into one o' the buildings in the shantytown, causin' it ta ricochet off o' it an' lose its momentum b'fore droppin' down onto the grass! Flavio visibly don't be pleased with this result, as 'e angrily jumps up an' down while spoutin' some mild language which I decline ta repeat!

Heal T be up next once more, an' the innkeeper prepares ta fire the ball onto the green from 'er current position! She positions 'erself, takes the shot, an' sends the ball onto the green while successfully evadin' a couple o' Embers that be floatin' in front o' 'er! Yar, nice shot!

Pa-Patch be ready fer 'is next stroke, an' 'e carefully studies the trajectory o' the ball, calculatin' 'zactly 'ow it can bypass the Embers that be floatin' in 'is way. After doin' this, the Bob-omb readies, steadies, an' shoots! The ball ends up 'ittin' 'nother Ember, but fortunately fer Pa-Patch, the ball drops down onto the green, which be good enough fer 'im!

Flavio be at turn again next, an' the entrepeneur be determined ta get a higher score than the last 'ole, so 'e looks o'er where the ball needs ta go, then prepares ta shoot. The ball goes flyin', an' unfortunately fer Flavio, the ball lands right in the face o' an Ember, who mocks the entrepeneur with a deep voiced laugh. Flavio angrily growls at the tauntin', but still manages ta keep 'is emotions in check fer the most part!

Heal T then prepares ta putt the ball, which she successfully does, sinkin' the ball at a Birdie! The innkeeper proceeds ta join Thriff T ta take a rest on the bench while waitin' fer the others ta complete this 'ole!

Pa-Patch also successfully putts the ball, completin' the 'ole with a Birdie! Not much ta say 'bout this, as the resident representative o' the island proceeds ta take 'is seat on the restin' bench as it once again comes down ta Flavio ta close out the second 'ole!

Flavio once again be faced with Embers gettin' in 'is way, with the Embers mockingly snickerin' at the entrepeneur as Flavio does 'is best ta ignore 'em. 'E makes the shot, an' manages ta get the ball onto the green, landin' right in front o' the 'ole! The entrepeneur once again be on 'is final stroke, which 'e uses ta sink the ball into the 'ole! Yar, that be 'nother Par fer Flavio! That be the end o' the second 'ole!

This poisonous plant be sure ta put our players ta their snappin' point!

The third 'ole we'll be coverin' fer t'day's golf game be takin' place in the thick jungles o' Keelhaul Key. This 'ole features Putrid Piranhas that will try an' eat the ball if it 'appens ta come in contact with 'em, an' they will spit the ball out into an Out O' Bounds Zone. Which means that players will 'ave ta redo their shot with a stroke penalty. This third 'ole also features thick trees that will cause the ball ta lose its momentum if it were ta come in contact with any o' these trees, an' finally, there be Flower Fuzzies an' Green Fuzzies jumpin' 'round near the green, an' they'll ricochet the ball back if it were ta 'it 'em. The par fer this 'ole be three, which means players will 'ave ta clear the 'ole in three strokes.

We once again begin with Thriff T, who sends the ball flyin' through the jungle with 'is huge drive, an' look at this! Our resident shopkeeper scores 'nother 'Ole-In-One on this 'ole! The crowd cheers an' applauds Thriff T as 'e celebrates this maneuver! Yar, a job well done ta Thriff T! Now let's see 'ow Heal T will be performin' on this 'ole!

Our resident innkeeper shoots the ball through the sky, an' manages ta land it in between a patch o' Putrid Piranhas, which will make Heal T's next stroke a bituva challengin' one, but she be confident that she can manage it all! Yar, that be great ta 'ear!

Next up, it be Pa-Patch's turn, with our Bob-omb sailor makin' 'is shot, who manages ta get the ball onto the green in spite o' the Putrid Piranhas, Flower Fuzzies an' Green Fuzzies in 'is way! Nice shot, Pa-Patch! Try an' get the ball into the 'ole on yer next stroke, ye 'ear?

Up next be our resident entrepreneur Flavio, who shoots the ball, only fer it ta land in the mouth o' a Putrid Piranha who proceeds ta spit the ball into an Out O' Bounds Zone, much ta Flavio's frustration, but there don't be much 'e can do 'bout it as 'e's forced ta redo the shot with a stroke penalty, an' this time, 'e manages ta get the ball past the Putrid Piranhas, only fer it ta collide with a Flower Fuzzy 'oppin' 'round the course! Flavio once again be gettin' frustrated, but 'e'll 'ave ta cool it fer now, as it be Heal T's turn once again!

Heal T then 'its the ball out o' the Putrid Piranha patch, o'er the 'eads o' the Flower Fuzzies an' Green Fuzzies an' onto the green. Yar, with one stroke left, the innkeeper 'as one more chance ta get a decent score on this third 'ole, an' we'll be findin' out soon if this'll be the case as Pa-Patch steps up ta make 'is putt.

Pa-Patch putts the ball, sinkin' it into the 'ole, landin' 'imself a Birdie! Once again, not much ta say 'ere, but still, well done ta Pa-Patch as 'e goes ta take a seat next ta Thriff T on the restin' bench! We now wait fer Flavio ta clear this 'ole!

Flavio manages ta get the ball onto the green, an' on 'is final stroke, manages ta sink the ball into the 'ole! That be Par fer Flavio once again as we manage ta clear out the third 'ole! Now let's move ta the fourth one, which be the final 'ole b'fore the 'alfway point o' this match!

The fourth 'ole be takin' place in an area o' Keelhaul Key surrounded by ocean water. There also be plenty o' palm trees an' a rope bridge present in the area. This 'ole features plenty o' Embers flyin' 'round, actin' as course 'azards. The Embers be flyin' either up an' down, left an' right, or in a clockwise or counterclockwise motion, which means players will 'ave ta really calculate their shots wisely if they wanna prevent the ball from crashin' into any Embers. The par fer this course be four, an' ye already know what that means by now, so I'll spare ye the effort o' explainin' it, mateys.

Up first, it once again be Thriff T, an' 'e drives the ball 'cross the course, managin' ta get it landin' right in front o' the green! Yar, it might not be a 'Ole-In-One this time 'round, but it still be pretty impressive, alright! Thriff T smiles and nods in satisfaction at the shot 'e's taken as Heal T steps up ta make 'er next shot!

A Toad innkeeper from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
This lass prob'bly be the coolest golfer on the course t'day.

Heal T then sends the ball flyin' through the air, landin' it in a circle o' Embers movin' round in a counterclockwise motion. Aye, Heal T's more laid back approach ta playin' golf ends up saddlin' 'er with a lot o' tricky angles ta shoot the ball from, that be fer sure, mateys, but against all odds, the innkeeper manages ta keep a cool 'ead 'bout it the whole time! Yar, wish more people could be as calm an' collected as 'er!

Pa-Patch be goin' up again next, an' 'e clocks the ball through the air b'fore landin' on the rope bridge 'alfway through the course! Pa-Patch be satisfied with the shot 'e landed as 'e steps back ta let "Fancy Pants" Flavio take 'is next shot!

Flavio proceeds ta launch the ball through the air, only fer it ta come crashin' down onto an Ember's 'ead, after which the ball lands on the ground, an' I think it's needless ta say that Flavio's comin' pretty close ta snappin' 'is golf club in 'alf from all the bad luck's 'e's been 'avin' throughout this game! Yar, 'e should at least be 'appy 'e didn't get a stroke penalty on this stroke!

Next, Thriff T prepares ta putt the ball, so 'e goes fer it, an' sinks the ball without much trouble! The ball was sunk in two strokes, so Thriff T finishes the fourth 'ole with an Eagle! The shopkeeper be content with 'imself as 'e goes ta take a rest on the bench while waitin' fer the others ta complete the course!

It's Heal T's turn again as the orange Toad girl shoots the ball outta the circle o' Embers it was previously situated in, only fer the ball ta 'it 'nother Ember in the face mid-air, causin' the ball ta come crashin' back down onto the ground once more! Yar, what an unlucky break once again!

We then find ourselves back with Pa-Patch as the one-eyed bandit fires the ball off the rope bridge, through the air, past a flock o' Embers an' onto the green! Yar, 'nother nice shot from Pa-Patch, an' 'ere's 'opin' 'e'll sink the ball on 'is next stroke!

The self-proclaimed golfin' champ Flavio be up again next, an' it proceeds ta bump an Ember in the face as it was floatin' in front o' the green! Flavio smacks 'imself in the face in frustration as 'e steps back ta let Heal T play once again!

Our innkeeper then makes 'er next shot as she manages ta get the ball onto the green, which she be pleased with, an' she makes room fer Pa-Patch ta try an' putt the ball! I'm 'onestly surprised none o' the players 'ave managed ta get a Bogey or worse on one o' the 'oles so far! Only time will tell if we'll manage ta complete this game without seein' a Bogey or worse bein' achieved!

Anyway, Pa-Patch successfully putts the ball into the 'ole, completin' the fourth 'ole with a Birdie, which be good enough fer Pa-Patch as 'e goes ta take a seat next ta Thriff T on the restin' bench once again.

Flavio manages ta send the ball onto the green on 'is next stroke, which be good enough fer the entrepreneur as long as 'e don't get a Bogey or worse. Not much else ta say there, so let's see if Heal T will manage ta complete this 'ole on 'er next stroke!

Heal T then putts the ball, managin' ta sink it into the 'ole without anythin' ta 'inder 'er. Yar, it be Par fer the innkeeper on the fourth 'ole, an' she calmly goes ta join the other players on' the bench as it once again comes down ta Flavio ta close out the fourth 'ole, which Flavio manages ta do, achievin' a Par just like Heal T. Four 'oles down, five ta go!

Parabuzzy from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door.
These fellas be takin' fight an' flight ta a 'ole new level!

We're up ta the fifth 'ole now, which be located inside Pirate's Grotto, which was the fourth major dungeon that Mario an' Company 'ad ta traverse in order ta find the fifth Crystal Star durin' their trek ta defeat the Shadow Queen! This fifth 'ole consists o' a long narrow path surrounded by water 'azards, as well as Embers an' Parabuzzies flyin' 'round, ready ta knock the ball off its momentum or into the water if it comes in contact with 'em! This might be the 'ardest 'ole the players 'ave ta tackle so far, but I be confident that they 'ave what it takes! The par fer this 'ole be five, so five strokes be required ta complete the 'ole with a decent score!

So' ere comes our posse o' players, ready ta take on the fifth 'ole! Thriff T be up first as usual, an' 'e sends the ball flyin' through the air with yet 'nother huge drive, causin' the ball ta land deep into the course! Yar, no doubt is Thriff T goin' ta be the talk o' the shantytown o' Keelhaul Key fer a while now!

Next is Player Two, Heal T! She smacks the ball with a relative amount o' force b'fore comin' down one-fourth 'cross the course! Yar, our laid back innkeeper still got a long way ta go b'fore she's at the green, so she'll 'ave ta keep at it!

Followin' Heal T be our Player Three, Pa-Patch! With a jolly ol' whack, 'e sends the ball on its way through the course, only fer it ta bounce off o' a Parabuzzy an' land in the water! Yar, that be unfortunate! This means Pa-Patch 'as ta redo the shot with a penalty stroke, which our Bob-omb sailor does, an' this time, the ball safely lands on solid ground, two-fourth through the course! That be much better, I say!

An' now fer Player Four, Flavio! The rich man gives us 'is nicest shot so far, sendin' the ball soarin' through the air an' 'avin' it touch down two-fourth through the course, much like Pa-Patch! Yar, could this possibly be a sign that Flavio's luck be turnin' 'round fer the better? We can only wait an' see, mateys!

Thriff T be up again next, an' our Player One sends the ball rocketin' forward with that huge drive again, causin' it ta land on the green! Bless me bandana, this man be one talented golfer! The crowd applauds Thriff T's efforts, which the shopkeeper 'appily accepts as 'e waves to the crowd as they applaud 'im!

Steppin' up ta the plate once more be Heal T, an' she hurdles the ball airborne once more, with the ball landin' dangerously close ta the edge o' the water! Heal T lets out a sigh o' relief that the ball didn't splash, an' the crowd be audible 'bout it as well! Let's see 'ow Pa-Patch will fare on 'is next turn!

Pa-Patch slams the ball o'er the 'eads o' the Embers an' Parabuzzies flyin' out an' 'bout in the cavern, after which the ball touches down on the edge o' the green! Yar, almost right on the money, Pa-Patch! Well done!

Next, we 'ave Flavio givin' us 'nother great shot, an' after propellin' through the air, the ball comes down on the green! Aye, I'd say that Flavio's luck indeed be turnin' 'round fer the better! Flavio 'appily celebrates this nice shot o' 'is while the rest o' the players reluctantly applaud 'is efforts!

It now be Thriff T's turn again, with our resident shopkeeper goin' fer the putt! 'E takes the shot, an' nails it! That be an Eagle on the fifth 'ole fer Thriff T, who 'appily goes ta take a rest on the bench!

Heal T be goin' next again, the innkeeper now be takin' the shot, the ball be soarin' through the sky again, an' it be comin' down on the green! Yar, that be a satisfactory result if I do say so meself! Let's 'ave a look at 'ow Pa-Patch be doin' from where 'e be currently standin'!

Since 'e be standin' on the edge o' the green, Pa-Patch be attemptin' ta go fer the putt! With a good thwack, the ball goes rollin', an' sinks into the 'ole! Like Thriff T, Pa-Patch completes 'Ole Five with an Eagle! Satisfied with this result, Pa-Patch 'eads o'er ta the bench ta sit out the remainder o' this 'ole!

Fer once, it appears that Flavio don't 'ave ta close out the 'ole, with the fancy man goin' fer the putt, sinkin' the ball successfully with an Eagle, much like Thriff T an' Pa-Patch b'fore 'im! Clearly pleased with this result, Flavio joins the other players on the bench, leavin' Heal T ta close out this fifth 'ole!

Goin' in fer the putt, Heal T softly putts the ball as it touches down into the 'ole, with the innkeeper finishin' the fifth 'ole with a Birdie! Ahoy, job well done ta ev'ryone, an' let's move on ta the sixth 'ole!

The sixth 'ole too be located inside Pirate's Grotto! Specifically, it's built 'round a lot o' rocky terrain that don't be 'avin' a 'ole lot o' friction an' causes the ball ta bounce off o' it! It can greatly 'urt the ball's lie, an' there also be a lot of water 'azards aside from the rocky terrain, so this 'ole definitely don't be very pleasant ta golf on fer our four players that be playin' t'day! Ta make matters more difficult, the par fer this 'ole be four so gettin' a decent score on this 'ole is goin' ta be quite the challenge!

Bein' brave enough ta try an' traverse this 'ole, Thriff T takes the lead as 'e shoots 'is shot, with the ball blastin' through the sky b'fore comin' down on some rocky terrain near the 'alfway point o' the course! While Thriff T's been playin' very well so far, this course could potentially spell jeopardy fer 'is good run! Time will tell if I be right on that matter, mateys!

Up next be the second player, Heal T once more! She goes fer the shot, fires, the ball be goin' airborne, an' it lands on the edge o' some rocky terrain, with a water 'azard lurkin' below! Heal T be startin' ta get nervous now, which I be 'avin' some form o' understandin' fer!

Aye, 'e be a good one, that Pa-Patch!

Pa-Patch be next, with the one-eyed bandit takin' the shot, an' the ball soars through the sky as it touches down two-fourth through the course! Aye, that be impressive given the terrain we be playin' on 'ere! Goes ta show 'ow talented t'day's players can be!

Finally, we take a look at Flavio's first stroke on the sixth 'ole! Fancy Pants knocks the ball off the startin' point, into the air, after which it comes down two-fourth 'cross the course much like Pa-Patch just a minute ago! Yar, after strugglin' with the easier courses on Keelhaul Key itself, it appears that Pirate's Grotto be treatin' Flavio a lot nicer!

Thriff T be up again now, an' the shopkeeper 'its the ball, though given the rough terrain, it's a lot 'arder ta get the ball very far, even with 'is huge drives! Still, the ball goes a decent distance, landin' right in front o' the green! Thriff T takes any good results 'e can get on this 'ole, so 'e passes the turn o'er ta Heal T!

Shootin' off o' the edge o' the rocky terrain that 'er ball previously landed on, Heal T manages ta get the ball ta touch down third-fourth 'cross the course, which be good enough fer the orange Toad girl, who proceeds ta pass it on ta Pa-Patch!

Our Bob-omb sailor plows the ball off its spot, sendin' it through the cavern an' 'avin' it touch down right in front o' the green next ta Thriff T's ball! Yar, I promised me manager ta not make any ball jokes in this section, but I just can't 'elp meself, so I'll just say it: This be a well-rounded game o' golf, if I do say so meself! Yar, har, har, har, har!

Closin' out the turn order once again be Flavio, who claps the ball skyward b'fore puttin' it down right in front o' the green 'longside Thriff T an' Pa-Patch's balls! This be lookin' good fer Flavio, if 'e keeps this up, 'e might be able ta get 'imself outta last place!

Bein' right in front o' the green, Thriff T decides ta give a go at landin' the ball into the 'ole! The shopkeeper shoots, an' scores! That's a Birdie fer Thriff T, who sighs in relief at the score 'e achieved on this 'ole an' walks o'er ta the player bench ta take a well-deserved rest!

Innkeeper Heal T then makes 'er next stroke on this 'ole, this shot bein' enough ta get the ball onto the green, pleasin' Heal T as we now 'ead o'er ta Pa-Patch who's goin' ta attempt 'is final stroke on this 'ole!

Pa-Patch also be attemptin' ta sink the ball from 'is current standin' point, which ends in a success fer the resident representative o' the island as the ball enters the 'ole, endin' the sixth 'ole with a Birdie, a job well done. Pa-Patch sits 'imself down on the player bench while overseein' the remainder o' this 'ole.

Flavio also manages ta get the ball into the 'ole from 'is current standin' point, completin' 'Ole Six with a Birdie! The entrepreneur takes 'is seat at the player bench as we close out the sixth 'ole with Heal T's final stroke!

The orange Toad girl then goes fer 'er final stroke, pottin' the ball into its 'ole as she finishes the sixth 'ole with a Par! Satisfied with the result, Heal T joins 'er fellow players as they move on ta the seventh 'ole!

These walkin' weapons sure be puttin' the "pow" in "power!

Like the previous two 'oles, the seventh 'ole be located inside Pirate's Grotto. This 'ole features a couple o' bridges an' a sluice gate, an' there also be a waterfall comin' down from above. Needless ta say, but there be plenty o' water 'azards present on this course, so players will 'ave ta be careful not ta knock their balls into the water unless they wanna redo their shots with a stroke penalty. There also be a couple o' Bulky Bob-ombs wanderin' 'round the course, an' if the ball comes in contact with 'em, they'll explode an' send the ball flyin' backward, so players'll definitely 'ave ta watch out fer these Bulky Bob-ombs. The par fer this 'ole be three, so it's goin' ta be difficult fer our players ta get a decent score on this 'ole.

It looks like our players 'ave arrived at the seventh 'ole, an' Thriff T be takin' the shot, sendin' the ball rocketin' through the sky b'fore comin' down right in front o' the green, which be quite the accomplishment on this difficult 'ole. The shopkeeper grins and pumps 'is fist in euphoria at this result b'fore steppin' back ta allow Heal T ta take 'er first stroke on this 'ole.

Our orange Toad girl once again takes a laid back approach ta playin' golf on this 'ole, smackin' the ball an' sendin' it hurdlin' through the air b'fore comin' down near the sluice gate, barely missin' a Bulky Bob-omb wanderin' 'round nearby! Yar, that was a close call! The innkeeper be satisfied with 'er shot as she gives the turn ta Pa-Patch!

Pa-Patch then proceeds ta make 'is first stroke on the seventh 'ole as 'e shoots the ball skyward, touchin' the ball down three-fourth through the course! Yar, that be a nice shot ye took there, Pa-Patch! Let's see if Flavio will be able ta keep up the lucky streak 'e's been 'avin' throughout Pirate's Grotto so far!

Flavio smiles confidently as 'e thwacks the ball into the air, only fer it ta collide with a Bulky Bob-omb, which proceeds ta explode an' send the ball flyin' backward! Aye, that be unfortunate! Flavio yells in dismay at this incident, but there don't be much 'e can do 'bout it!

Thriff T then goes fer the putt on the seventh 'ole, 'e proceeds ta take the shot, an' 'e sinks the ball into the 'ole! That be a Birdie fer Thriff T, which the shopkeeper be pleased with, after which 'e walks o'er ta the player bench as 'e patiently begins ta await the completion o' the 'ole from 'is fellow players!

Pannin' o'er ta the sluice gate, we find Heal T makin' 'er second stroke o' the 'ole as the innkeeper claps the ball, it flies through the air an' comes down onto the green, which gets Heal T ta crack a smile in satisfaction at the sight o' this. Not much else ta say 'ere, but it be a nice sight ta behold.

Next, Pa-Patch goes fer 'is penultimate stroke o' the 'ole as 'e sends the ball catchin' some air b'fore it comes down onto the green, which gives our one-eyed bandit one more chance ta get a decent score on this 'ole.

Closin' out the turn order once more, Flavio takes the shot from where 'e currently be standin', the ball be soarin' through the air, an' it puts down three-fourth 'cross the course! If Flavio wanna get a decent score on this 'ole, 'e'll 'ave ta sink the ball into the 'ole from there!

Heal T then goes fer the putt on this 'ole as she softly taps the ball into the 'ole, closin' out the seventh 'ole with a Par! Yar, a job well done ta Heal T, who goes ta take a seat next ta Thriff T on the player bench!

Pa-Patch also be goin' fer the putt, with 'im softly 'ittin' the ball an' the ball droppin' down into the 'ole. That be a Par fer Pa-Patch, who also goes ta take a seat on the player bench as it comes down ta Flavio ta close out the seventh 'ole.

Flavio then proceeds ta try an' sink the ball from 'is current standin' point, only fer it ta come down onto the green instead! Yar, there goes 'is chance at a decent score on this 'ole! The entrepreneur then goes fer the putt, sendin' the ball sinkin' into the 'ole! Yar, that be the first Bogey o' the game, mateys, an' it unfortunately belongs ta Flavio, who obviously don't be pleased with it!

We now be up ta 'Ole Eight, which takes place deeper inside Pirate's Grotto! The general area o' this 'ole features lots o' barrels an' sinkin' ship fragments floatin' 'round in the water, so there be plenty o' water 'azards 'round 'ere too! The barrels an' sinkin' ship fragments be made o' wood, which causes the balls ta bounce off o' them, an' they also greatly 'urt the ball's lie, so it won't be pretty ta shoot the ball from those spots! The par fer this 'ole be four, so it should be possible ta get a decent score on this 'ole if ye calculate yer shots well!

Takin' the lead once more, Thriff T goes fer the first stroke o' the 'ole as 'e slams the ball airborne, sendin' it tumblin' down on a sinkin' ship fragment close ta the green! Yar, looks like Thriff T's gotten 'imself into a sticky situation right there, but it be a good thing the shopkeeper likes a good challenge when it comes ta golf!

Up next, Heal T also goes fer the first stroke o' the 'ole as she shoots the ball into the air b'fore it comes down on a barrel floatin' in the water! Yar, it's definitely goin' ta be difficult fer our innkeeper ta take 'er next stroke from there, but anythin' be possible in a game o' golf in the Mushroom World, mateys!

Followin' Heal T's first stroke, Pa-Patch be up fer 'is first stroke o' the 'ole as well, so the Bob-omb sailor takes the shot, after which it comes down two-fourth through the 'ole! Yar, that was 'nother nice shot, lemme tell ye, mateys! If Pa-Patch 'ad any 'ands, 'e definitely woulda made a satisfactory gesture with 'em right 'bout now!

An' now it be Flavio's turn! Determined ta make up fer gettin' a Bogey on the last 'ole, the entrepreneur goes fer the first stroke, which ends with the ball landin' on a sinkin' ship fragment 'alfway through the course! Flavio looks concerned 'bout this, but 'e'll 'ave ta figure out 'ow 'e's goin' ta get outta that sticky situation on 'is next stroke!

Niff T.
Yar, who knew a shopkeeper Toad could be such a proficient golf player?

So 'ere comes Thriff T's second stroke o' the 'ole! The shopkeeper thwacks the ball into the air, an' it comes down onto the green! Yar, nice on! The green Toad man smiles an' gives a thumbs up at the sight o' this while we go ta take a look at Heal T's second stroke on this 'ole!

'Avin' landed 'er ball on top o' a floatin' barrel on 'er last stroke, Heal T knocks the ball away from there b'fore it comes down right in front o' the green, which the orange Toad girl 'appily accepts as we pan o'er ta Pa-Patch goin' fer 'is second stroke as well!

Pa-Patch then proceeds ta take the shot, the ball rockets through the sky, after which it comes down onto the green! Ahoy, that be a satisfactory result, if I do say so meself, mateys! Let's see if Flavio will be able ta achieve such a satisfactory result on 'is second stroke too!

Fancy Pants then goes fer the second stroke o' the 'ole, shootin' the ball off the wooden surface it was previously on b'fore it touches down a short distance away from the green! Yar, not bad if ye ask me!

We then switch back ta Thriff T, who goes fer the putt on this eighth 'ole! Said putt be successful, as the ball sinks into the 'ole! The shopkeeper closes out the penultimate 'ole with a Birdie, which definitely be good enough fer 'im as 'e goes ta take a seat on the player bench ta o'ersee the remainder o' this 'ole!

Heal T then decides ta go fer the putt as well from 'er current standin' point, so the innkeeper takes the shot, an' nails it! That be a Birdie fer Heal T as well, after which she sits down on the player bench too!

Up next, Pa-Patch decides ta try ta close out the eighth 'ole, softly tappin' the ball into the 'ole, completin' the eighth 'ole with a Birdie! Pa-Patch be pleased with this result an' 'eads o'er ta the player bench as Flavio be the last player who still 'as ta sink the ball!

Speakin' o' Flavio, 'e smacks the ball onto the green, after which 'e uses 'is final stroke ta putt the ball into the 'ole, which means the entrepreneur finishes the eighth 'ole with a Par! Yar, eight 'oles down, one more ta go!

The ninth an' final 'ole we'll be coverin' in t'day's golf game takes place inside the deepest part o' Pirate's Grotto, with one part o' it bein' covered in fog, which can impair the players' sight as they try ta get the ball into its final restin' place. There also be water 'azards present, as well as Embers floatin' round that'll stop the ball's momentum if it comes in contact with 'em. The par fer this final 'ole be five, so it should be easy enough fer our players ta clear this final 'ole.

Fer the final time in this golf game, Thriff T starts us off by shootin' the ball from the startin' point out onto the course, an' the ball lands 'bout two-fourth into the course! Yar, nice shot, Thriff T! Now let's see 'ow Heal T will be 'andlin' 'er first stroke on this final 'ole!

Speakin' o' Heal T, she be up right now, an' she be takin' 'er first shot as the ball goes flyin', with it comin' down two-fourth into the course, just like Thriff T's ball! That's a job well done ta Heal T! Now let's switch ta Pa-Patch!

Pa-Patch then goes fer 'is first stroke on the final 'ole, sendin' the ball rocketin' through the sky b'fore puttin' down one-fourth through the course! Yar, it went not as far as Thriff T an' Heal T's balls, but all bets still be off on who gets ta clear this final 'ole first!

We then switch ta Flavio goin' up last, as the entrepreneur gives us 'is first stroke, an' it goes airborne, only fer it ta crash into an Ember an' touch down onto the rough! Yar, that be unfortunate! Flavio angrily shakes 'is fist at the Ember that the ball crashed into, but the Ember don't be seemin' ta care!

Thriff T be up again next, an' the shopkeeper drives the ball further into the course, sendin' it ploppin' down right in front o' the green! Yar, 'nother nice shot from Thriff T, I say! Back ta Heal T fer us!

Like Thriff T just a moment ago, Heal T sends the ball touchin' down right in front o' the green, which be a satisfactory result fer the innkeeper! Time ta take a look at 'ow Pa-Patch will be spendin' 'is second stroke!

Pa-Patch then goes fer the second stroke, smackin' the ball but good as it lands three-fourth into the course! Now let's 'ead back o'er ta Flavio ta glance at 'is second stroke, aye?

Flavio slams the ball out o' the rough an' back onto the fairway, sendin' it touchin' down three-fourth through the course, just like Pa-Patch on 'is last turn! We be gettin' closer an' closer ta the conclusion o' this game, mateys!

We then 'ead back ta Thriff T, who's goin' ta attempt ta sink the ball into the 'ole from 'is current standin' point! The green Toad man takes the shot, an' nails it! The ball sinks into the 'ole as the shopkeeper closes out the final 'ole with an Eagle! Yar, a job well done ta Thriff T, who sits down on the player bench fer the final time fer this game!

Heal T also decides ta try an' sink the ball from where she currently be standin', with the orange Toad girl takin' the shot, an' also nailin' it! The ball sinks into the 'ole as the innkeeper closes out the final 'ole with an Eagle! She be satisfied with 'ow she played t'day an' goes ta take a rest on the player bench!

Meanwhile, Pa-Patch goes fer 'is third stroke o' the 'ole, which be good enough ta 'ave the ball land on the green! Yar, our one-eyed bandit be slowly but surely gettin' there! As they be sayin' in a certain box office topper movie, "We be in the Endgame now"!

Flavio also goes fer 'is third stroke o' the 'ole, an' like Pa-Patch's ball, it gets ta the green without much resistance! Yar, that be pretty impressive from ol' Flavio, I say! Now let's see Pa-Patch again as 'e be goin' fer 'is final stroke o' the game!

The Bob-omb sailor goes in fer the final putt, successfully sinkin' the ball into its final restin' place as Pa-Patch closes out the final 'ole with a Birdie! Pleased with 'is game t'day, Pa-Patch goes ta take a seat with the other players on their bench!

Closin' out the game be Flavio, who also goes fer 'is final putt, an' like Pa-Patch, 'e successfully sinks the ball into its final restin' place while closin' out the final 'ole with a Birdie! Yar, a job well done ta all players! Now let's 'ave a gander at the final results!

Yar, so I think it be needless ta say, but Thriff T be declared the grand winner o' t'day's golf game, since 'e played nearly flawlessly on ev'ry 'ole 'e tackled t'day! Thriff T be very pleased with this result, an' 'is brother Plenn T be walkin' o'er ta congratulate 'im on 'is victory! Trailin' fairly close behind Thriff T in second place, it be Pa-Patch! The resident representative o' Keelhaul Key 'appily accepts second place! In third place, in spite o' 'er laid back approach ta golfin', it be Heal T! The innkeeper be rather pleased with finishin' third! An' finally, in last place, it be Flavio, who obviously don't be pleased with bein' dead last!

So with that, we've come ta the end o' what could possibly be me longest edition o' the Sport Report so far, mateys! I tried ta get a hold o' Flavio fer an interview after the golf game concluded, but Flavio was unavailable fer an interview 'cause 'e immediately set sail back fer Rogueport after the game concluded! Yar, the lad prob'bly needs ta blow off some steam after 'is last place finish t'day!

Anyway, I just wanted ta close out this extra long Sport Report edition by tellin' ye that this edition o' the Sport Report be sponsored by Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated! Mr. Time made it possible fer me ta cover this golf game from start ta finish ta the best o' me ability, so I wouldn't be 'ere on Keelhaul Key t'day without 'is creative vision! Be sure ta buy 'is breakfast cereals in stores 'round New Wikisburg ta thank 'im fer supportin' me in t'day's sports news! Yar, an' with that wee message outta the way, it be time ta wrap things up fer this month! See ye again next month, mateys, where we be coverin' yet 'nother ball sport, one that involves knockin' balls outta the park!

The 'Shroom: Issue 204
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