The 'Shroom:Issue 196/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! Time sure keeps on rolling, huh? The Awards ceremony is just a month away, and there's only three more issues before the big milestone...
I'm very excited to announce that we have a new section debuting this month! TheBlueCatMenace (talk) is joining us with The Sunshine Travel Guide to give us a look at Mushroom Kingdom locales that you may want to consider booking for your next vacation. It's making me want to go to Cheep Cheep Beach myself, but I have Awards presentations to work on... Oh well. Be sure to give it a read, it's a fun section!
Aside from that, we have a full slate this month, because everything is here! Yes, everything! ClawgripFan9001 (talk) returns with a brand new Sport Report after taking a couple months off, we have a new edition of Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents, and all the other sections you've come to expect from Fake News are here. I'm sure you're excited to get into it, so I won't keep you here too much longer.
Are you interested in joining the Fake News team? Whether you'd like to write a new spin on an old section like TheBlueCatMenace is doing, or something brand new, we're always looking for potential writers! Just visit our sign up page, which has all the information you need about sending in an application. I also accept one-off volunteer submissions with no application necessary for sections like News Flush, if you have an idea but don't want to commit long-term. Just send it to me privately and I'll help you out. And don't forget, as Issue 200 approaches, we're still accepting early submissions for that!
Section of the Month
Last month's box office results are in! TV Tomorrow by Quizmelon (talk) was the highest-grossing section, featuring a shift from TV to look at the film offerings of the Violet Gamma Cinema Complex. Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown took second with a match between the Penguin King and Metal Mario. Finally, we have a tie for third between Dear Waluigi Time giving advice on enjoying movies and Consumer Corner showcasing a product that most of you probably shouldn't actually eat. Thank you for buying tickets, err, I mean voting, and be sure to keep supporting our writers!
Yeah I know it's not the movie-themed issue anymore, but these are from the movie-themed issue. It's fine!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | TV Tomorrow | 23 | 35.38% | Quizmelon (talk) |
| 2nd | Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown | 12 | 18.46% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 3rd | Dear Waluigi Time | 10 | 15.38% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 3rd | Consumer Corner | 10 | 15.38% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents
Written by: The Shoe (talk) and Time (talk) Advertising Conglomerate
Written by: ClawgripFan9001 (talk)
Yar, har, fiddle dee dee! Bein' a pirate be alright with me! Do what ye want, 'cause a pirate be free! Ye be a pirate! Welcome back, mateys, ta the Sport Report! I be yer claw snappin' sailor, ClawgripFan9001! Ye may be wonderin' where I been fer the past few months, yar? Well, I was dealin' with a wee somethin' known as the sea burn, so I spent a few months on dry land, takin' a load off, but now I be ready ta tackle more sports news fer ye faithful readers! Yar, so with that wee explanation outta the way, let's move on ta today's sports news!
So fer today's sports news, I abandoned ship an' traveled down under the sea surface t'wards the underwater city o' Mertropolis, which be inhabited by reverse merpeople that be 'avin' fish like upper halfs rather than the other way 'round. Yar, it be a sight ta behold. Fer some reason, despite 'avin' fish like upper halfs, they be livin' in a dome where everythin' be dry, an' they be wearin' water bowls on their 'eads while inside. An' fer some reason, when ol' King Bowser o' the Koopa Troop once came ta raid the city an' set the dome underwater, the residents broke out into a panic. Yar, I dunno why these people be afraid o' water gettin' into their home when they cannot breath without water in the first place, but now I be gettin' off track.
When I got ta Mertropolis, I found the residents ta be gettin' ready fer a waterpolo match! Fer those that don't know what waterpolo be, I'll give ye a quick rundown; Waterpolo be a competitive team sport played in four quarters 'tween two teams consistin' o' seven players each. O'er the course o' the four quarters o' the match, players try ta score goals by throwin' the ball into the opposin' team's goal while movin' through a body o' water. The team with the most goals at the end o' the match wins the whole thing.
Yar, so now that ye know what waterpolo be, let's get into the match! Today, it appears the Mertropolis Merpeople be matched up 'gainst the Sublantica Stingrays! I be hearin' through me managers that Sublantica be one o' Mertropolis' neighborin' kingdoms, so that explains why the Stingrays be 'ere in Mertropolis today! We also be playin' the match outside o' Mertropolis' dome today fer a more effective game o' waterpolo, just so ye know! So with that outta the way, let's play some waterpolo!
Alright, the ball be 'eld by the captain o' the Merpeople, an' once the referee's whistle sounds, the game begins! The captain o' the Merpeople swims t'wards the Stingrays' side o' the playin' field ta try an' get the ball into the Stingrays' goal, 'e chucks the ball at the goal, an' it hits! 1-0 fer the Merpeople! The Stingrays' goalie grabs the ball outta 'is team's net, hurls it through the air, an' it lands in the hands o' one o' the Stingrays' players!
Now that the Stingrays be in control o' the ball, the Stingrays be ready ta try an' make up fer fallin' behind! The Stingrays' players be swimmin' o'er ta the Merpeople's side o' the playin' field, an' through a good game o' teamwork, the Stingrays manage ta get the ball into the Merpeople's net! The score now be tied up at 1-1!
Takin' the ball outta their net, the Merpeople's goalie chucks the ball back onto the playin' field, an' the Merpeople's players snatch the ball, makin' 'em 'ave control o'er it! Now with the ball in their control, the Merpeople's players start makin' a swim fer the Stingrays' side o' the field with the Stingrays' players goin' on the defense as they try everythin' in their power ta prevent the Merpeople's players from advancin' t'wards the Stingrays' goal! But it be in vain, as the Merpeople make one good throw fer the goal, and the ball lands in it! 2-1 fer the Merpeople!
The referee then blows 'is whistle ta signal the first quarter o' the game bein' o'er! We quickly make ourselves up fer the second quarter o' the game, an' the Stingrays be quick ta get a hold o' the ball, an' they start makin' various teamwork related plays ta try an' throw the Merpeople off their game! Apparently the tactic succeeds, 'cause the Stingrays manage ta get the ball into the Merpeople's net, tyin' up the score once more at 2-2!
But with the second quarter o' the game 'avin' just begun, it still be anyone's game, an' the Merpeople know this very well as they start followin' what the Stingrays were just doin' as they too start makin' various teamwork related plays ta get the ball into the Stingrays' net! 3-2 fer the Merpeople! The Stingrays' goalie grabs the ball outta the net an' throws it back onto the field as the Merpeople reach fer control o' the ball an' succeed, an' the Stingrays all retreat onto the defense, but the referee blows 'is whistle once more ta signify the second quarter bein' o'er, an' that means it be halftime, so our players be allowed ta get some rest! While the players an' their coaches head into their dressin' rooms ta talk strategy durin' their period o' rest, the fans go an' 'ead ta the nearby cafetaria ta grab a bite ta eat an' somethin' ta drink as well! Yar, how liquids be able ta exist underwater be beyond me, mateys!
As I 'ave meself a kelp sandwich with a kelp smoothie at the cafetaria, I find meself 'avin an interview with the king o' Mertropolis, King Mackerel 'imself, joined by 'is daughter, Holly Mackerel! Yar, the lass sure be 'avin a funny name, I tell ye! Anyway, durin' me interview with King Mackerel, I was able ta learn that the people o' Mertropolis regularly engage in waterpolo matches outside their city's dome! Reason bein' so that the people o' Mertropolis can keep polishin' at their swimmin' skill as well as ta get some fresh water every now an' then! I suppose it be makin' sense, the people o' Mertropolis can't be breathin' the water from the fishbowls they be wearin' on their 'eads all the time, yar! Holly also be 'avin a wee thing fer me, apparently, sayin' that 'er fortune teller told 'er she would one day meet a crab prince, so she wanted ta start arrangin' our wedding once this waterpolo match was all o'er! I respectfully declined, since I do not be interested in bein' royalty, which Holly understood, while King Mackerel apologized fer 'is daughter's romantic nature. I do be understandin' o' Holly's situation; The lass be young an' lookin' fer love, an' it do get frustratin' when yer efforts ta look fer love turn out fruitless! But King Mackerel assured me it be fine, an' Holly respected me declinin' o' 'er proposal too! Yar, the royal family o' Mertropolis sure be friendly an' understandin' people!
So after the period o' rest ended, the second half o' the game be underway, beginnin' with the third quarter! While I was busy interviewin' the royals at the cafetaria, the coaches o' the teams talked up a good strategy fer the second half o' the game, which they intend ta fully put ta use! Let's see if the strategy they cooked up will be payin' off!
The ball be floatin' in the middle o' the playin' field, an' as soon as the referee's whistle sounds o'er the field, the Stingrays be quick ta snatch it up an' start goin' on the offense again, an' one o' the Merpeople's players manages ta nick the ball off of the Stingrays an' starts makin' a swim fer the Stingrays' side o' the field, an' one o' the defensive players tries ta stop our Merpeople player, an' our Stingrays player commits a foul in the process! Said player is forced ta 'ead t'wards the returnin' square o' the playin' field an' remain there fer a total o' twenty seconds!
Meanwhile, the game goes on, an' the Merpeople go back onto the offense after that wee incident just a moment ago, an' through a series o' throws 'tween the Merpeople's teammates, the ball gets put into the Stingrays' net, makin' the score 4-2 fer the Merpeople! The Stingrays' defeat in this match be lookin' ta be inevitable by this point, but with the game bein' halfway into the third quarter an' one more quarter remainin', anythin' still be possible, yar!
As fer our Stingrays player who previously committed a foul, their twenty seconds in the returnin' square be up an' they be allowed ta rejoin their team! With the Stingrays' team bein' complete once more, the Stingrays get control o' the ball and swim as fast as they can ta get the ball o'er ta the Merpeople's side o' the field, an' despite the Merpeople's best efforts, the Stingrays get the ball into the Merpeople's net, changin' the score ta 4-3! The Merpeople's goalie hurls the ball back onto the playin' field as the Merpeople an' the Stingrays try ta fight fer control o'er the ball, but the referee blows 'is whistle, signalin' the end o' the third quarter!
Which brings us ta the fourth an' final quarter o' the game! The Merpeople currently be in the lead, with the Stingrays hot on their trail! With eight minutes on the clock, both teams are gonna 'ave ta get into a serious skirmish if they wish ta claim victory in this match! The ball be in the middle o' the playin' field, with the Merpeople bein' the first ta grab it, an' our players kick off into a swimmin' sprint as they be makin' a play fer the Stingrays' goal, an' it look like it be 'bout ta enter the goal, but the Stingrays' goalie stops the ball, much ta the dismay o' the Merpeople's fans!
The Stingrays' goalie tosses the ball back out into the playin' field as one o' 'is teammates gets a hold o' it! The Stingrays make a play fer the Merpeople's goal, an' much like the Stingrays' goalie, the Merpeople's goalie be refusin' ta yield, so 'e stops the ball an' sends it back into the playin' field as the Merpeople regain control o' the ball, an' the Merpeople's players this time be too fast fer our Stingrays' goalie ta 'andle, 'cause the ball ends up goin into the net! 5-3 fer the Merpeople!
There only be a minute left on the game clock, an' both teams go at it durin' this last minute o' the game, an' before long, the referee whistles fer the last time fer this game as this waterpolo match ends in a victory fer the Merpeople! Mertropolis an' their waterpolo team celebrate, while Sublantica an' their waterpolo team are in a bituva sour mood o'er their loss, which be understandable!
Much ta me surprise, I was able ta get an interview outta the losin' party o' this game fer a change! I was able ta get a hold o' the Stingrays' coach after the game fer an interview, an' the Stingrays' coach be 'avin a good air o' sportsmanship, sayin' that the Merpeople deserved ta win because o' how good they played durin' the game, an' that there's always a chance fer the Stingrays' waterpolo team ta win next time. Yar, what a noble coach, an' what a noble game o' waterpolo this was!
So that be all the time we 'ave fer this month's sports news, mateys! I be 'opin ta see ye next month where we be sportin' up a storm again! 'Til next time, stay hydrated, an' be sure ta put on sunscreen when goin' outside, 'cause if ye don't, ye'll end up with a shell as red as mine! Ahoy!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
Art by: Waluigi Time (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Lawsuit Over Unauthorized Mario Products Takes New Turn
A once thought to be-run-of-the-mill copyright case over the publication of two pulp stories has taken a sudden twist thanks to a new legal theory that, if successful, could drastically change the way copyright is applied in the Mushroom King. The case concerns two pulp stories, both published by Radical Publication, one of the country's most prolific dime-store publications. The first, Mario is Missing!, is a tale of Luigi traveling the world to rescue Mario after he's kidnapped by Bowser in the fictional land of Antarctica. The other is Mario's Time Machine, a spoof on educational stories, this time featuring Mario traveling through the various time periods of a fictional planet called Earth. His goal is to recover important artifacts before Bowser can use them to alter the past. The Mario estate, through their attorney Saul Goomman, sued to block the publication of said novels, arguing that they were an unauthorized use of Mario's likeness. The estate is seeking not only the ceasing of publication of the novels, but also a financial penalty for the unauthorized usage.
Radical Publication, through their retainers, the prestigious law firm Phanto, Spindel, and Toady, have conceded that they used the Mario likeness without permission. They are, however, arguing that, by law, they do not require Mario's approval, and that, in fact, Mario as well as Luigi are legally considered public domain figures. It all boils down to an until-now fairly obscure amendment in Copyright Law #12. This amendment carves out a public domain exception for "entertainment stories about heroes of historical significance". The amendment spells out that people who meet a set criteria shall have their likenesses be considered part of the public domain as long as the stories themselves aren't written as either libel or in a manner which could be proven to damage the reputation of said figure. The amendment grants that the historical figure retains the right to produce any biographies, published through any medium, but makes no such exceptions for "stories produced with the primary intent of entertainment". It does, however, contains language allowing either the estate or the descendants of said figure to claim up to 20% of the total net revenue gained from such public domain stories for a period of time lasting no longer than 100 years after said figure's passing. This amendment has long been thought of as pertaining exclusively to deceased heroes of the Mushroom Kingdom who were considered so essential to the history of the Mushroom Kingdom that their legends belonged to the people of the kingdom. The thought process was that this amendment would allow their legends to grow while still providing for compensation for the families of such figures. The amendment also contained built-in safeguards specifying that such stories must presented in a way that is true to the character of said hero as they were commonly known.
While it has commonly been understood that the amendment is only to apply to heroes that have passed, Radical Publication is arguing that the law contains no verbiage that makes said amendment apply to only those who are deceased, and that, because Mario meets all the criteria to be considered a "hero of historical significance," his likeness, by law, should be considered to be in the public domain. Radical Publication, through lead attorney Roscoe Spinkling, issued Mushroom Tribune the following statement:
It is our belief that Mario and Luigi, the greatest heroes in the history of the Mushroom Kingdom, clearly fall into the "heroes of historical significance" exception to the copyright law. We feel the case is clear. Mario and Luigi meet all the criteria to be considered heroes of historical significance. They have saved not only this kingdom, but the Royal Family themselves from destruction multiple times. They are figures beloved not only throughout the kingdom, but throughout the entire galaxy. They've even been recognized by both the Mushroom Parliament and the Mushroom King as the greatest heroes in the history of our kingdom. If that doesn't make them heroes of historical significance, then nobody can qualify. We also would like to point out that the amendment makes no mention of being deceased as a criteria for the application of this amendment to a figure. We reject the notion that the 100 years after passing signifies an intent to qualify only deceased heroes as subject to this amendment. Rather, it is our argument that it is simply spelling out the time frame after which a figure passes during which the family must be compensated for use of the figure's likeness. Once more, we feel the law is clear. Mario and Luigi, both being heroes of historical significance, must fall under the public domain. Because of this, while our client, Radical Publication, is happy to pay the 20% to the Mario estate as prescribed by law, we feel that it is the only action we must take.
While Mario and Luigi both declined to comment for this article, their estate, through their attorney Saul Goomman, issued us the following statement:
I find the legal theory argued by Phanto, Spindel, and Toady to be a spurious load of disrespectful nonsense. I find it shocking that any firm, let alone one as reputable, would put forward such a baseless theory. This isn't just a stretch, this is stretching a law so far it'll break. This over 200-year-old law is clearly intended to make sure unscrupulous estates and descendants don't have full control over the legends of our greatest deceased historical heroes, such as the four heroes of Rogueport. This is clearly so that the legends of our greatest heroes aren't fully monopolized after they pass. The idea that this would apply to the still-living is at best a hyper-technical reading of the law, and at worst a case of legal flim-flam by lawyers who know they won't have a case otherwise and who are hoping to pull a fast one on some unfortunate judge. The fact that the authors used both the word "historical" and offered a clear timetable for how long descendants could claim compensation clearly signifies that this law only applies to those that have passed. I have no doubts in my mind that not only will we win this case, but that the judges will put the firm of Phanto, Spindel, and Toady under sanctions for advancing such a baffling theory.
Responses in the legal community to Phanto, Spindel, and Toady's theory have been mostly negative, with the majority subscribing to Saul Goomman's view that this theory won't hold water when held up in court. But there are some legal theorists who have argued that, because of the way the law is worded, Phanto, Spindel, and Toady actually have a fairly strong case. For their legal opinions, we go to Hoodward B. Pitohui, leading partner at the firm Pitohui and Rose, and to Cornelius Van Shoe, copyright and trademark law professor at Mushroom University.
|
Now, anyone who has attended one of my classes knows that I'm somewhat of a legal purist. I believe what is written should be considered the law, not in vague notions of "intent". After all, if the law intends a certain outcome, it should specifically say what outcome it is made to produce and in what situations it produces that outcome. So looking at this from a legal purist perspective, I could see how Radical Publication, through their attorneys, the very respected law firm of Phanto, Spindel, and Toady, could argue this theory. After all, if you take a purely technical look at the law, it is, in fact, at best vague as to whether or not it could apply to living persons. And if it did, Mario and Luigi would certainly qualify under the law. So from that perspective, I must disagree with Saul Goomman's calls for sanctions, because there is a case here, even if very technical in nature. But with that being said, I must disagree with Phanto, Spindel, and Toady's theory, and, while I applaud them for their creative effort in forming a case that nobody had ever thought of before, the fact is that, just through pure precedent alone, the "heroes of historical significance" line is clearly meant to apply only to deceased persons. It's clearly meant to ensure that their legends and personalities aren't forgotten to history. It's a very important exception, too. Imagine if, say, the descendants of Shyster Guyson, better known as the White Shy Guy, the man who, during the founding of the Shy Guy Bazaar, chased off criminals and protected it from invaders, imagine if both that legend and the heroic nature of the White Shy Guy were completely controlled by his descendants. Then imagine if they were either greedy or just plain against him. A hero of the kingdom could end up being forgotten because of it. That is what this exemption is trying to protect. If anything, this could end up disastrous for the public domain of this country. If, somehow, the courts rule that Mario and Luigi qualify for the public domain, it would probably result in one of two things. One, the courts would at the same time completely strike down the "heroes of historical significance" exemption as a violation of Mario and Luigi's personal rights, wiping out the exemption altogether. In scenario two, the Mushroom Parliament will act, simply repealing the exemption and throwing dozens to hundreds of figures out of the public domain! Either one of those would be disastrous for the health of our kingdom's public domain system, but I highly doubt it'll come to that. Because, while I find this to be a creative and interesting theory, it is at odds with both precedent and the historical use of the law, and so should be simply dismissed by the courts. |
|
Copyright law in this Kingdom is thornier than a Pokey and more tangled in legal disputes and references to decades' worth of rulings than Bramballs playing a game of Twister. Broadly speaking, I would typically welcome a challenge to a corpus of law that is, in my personal view, too restrictive, but even personally I can't support the case that Radical Publication and their lawyers are making. From a professional standpoint, I'll speak even more bluntly. This is utter nonsense. To argue that the law can apply to living figures despite a well-established, if never formally tested, understanding that this law applies only to deceased heroes is a mistake on the part of an otherwise reputable firm. The language of the law quite clearly points to the intent of the legislature that it apply only to the deceased. Furthermore, while we have no writing to shed light on the thoughts of the amendments' sponsors, the historical context in which the amendment was introduced must be taken into account. While he was still alive, the brave explorer Intrepidi T., known for exploring the wild frontiers of the Mushroom Kingdom, granted the Goom Press the exclusive right to use his name and image in works of fiction for fifty years. After his passing twenty-seven years into this agreement, and only after his passing, did the public outrage at Goom Press' litigation-happy attempts to prevent others publishers from using his name and image, get this issue before parliament. The context makes clear that both the public and parliament felt it reasonable that a living historical figure should control the rights to their likeness, but felt it necessary to amend copyright law to protect the legendary acts of the kingdom's heroes and ensure they were placed in the care of the public, rather than monopolized. Looking at the historical context, looking at the long-held understanding of the law, I don't think Radical Publication has a case, and frankly that's for the best. Codifying this kind of strict textual approach as the means by which the courts test and interpret copyright law is only further going to tilt the scales in the direction of those with the wealth and resources to field legal teams which can scour the law for loopholes. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Reverse Input, Cosmic Cowboy, and MightyMario
Dear Waluigi Time,
My boyfriend ate a weird fruit (I always tell him not to eat off the floor, but does he listen? Noooooo......) and turned into an elephant. What should we do to address this issue?
-A Concerned Princess
Well, first of all, eating stuff off of the floor is fine, I think. That's where ground beef comes from! I don't know why the regulation people keep bugging me about it for everything else...
Before you deal with the problem, you should figure out what scientific value this has. Has it ever been studied by anyone before? You wouldn't want to miss out on the breakthroughs whatever this thing is might provide. If you can't find any evidence that it's been studied before, you're going to have to leave your boyfriend in elephant form indefinitely for further observation. I'm sure that's ethical. However, even if there's no studies, if you're able to find more weird floor fruit, then it's okay to get to the root of the problem and leave the sciencing for later.
Anyway, one thing that always seems to be a constant around here is that if you eat something weird, and it makes something even weirder happen, generally some good old fashioned pain will reverse the weirder thing. Stubbed toe, punch in the face, falling anvil... Emotional pain doesn't count, though. Pain finds everyone eventually, so if you're a little squeamish about the idea of inflicting it yourself, just wait! Or hang out with someone really accident prone. In the meantime, consider carrying around a sledgehammer or chainsaw for those moments where you need to add a little extra clearance. Please note that I am not in any way responsible for any property damage lawsuits incurred by following this advice.
For future reference, you should always bring some weak links along to test weird things out on in case this happens again. That way you can satisfy your curiosity with minimal consequences! The number one rule of adventuring parties is to bring along at least one expendable Toad named Toad. This also applies to Kastles & Koopas, but our GM won't let us have a Toad NPC anymore after the last one, even though I keep asking!
Enjoy being able to fit in warp pipes!
Hey Waluigi Time, Scott Here!
Ever since my Wii Play reselling business went under, I've been on the lookout for new entrepreneurial opportunities. Unfortunately for me, nothing's really come up. I know you have a good business going on, with all that cereal, so what's your secret? How does your company do so well? And how can I get similar results from a company of my own?
-Scott W.E.T.A.L.A.T.F.M.M. Wozniak (Working Title)
In business, it's important to remember that success is all relative. Here are a few tips you can use to be as successful as me!
My number one philosophy is if it's not fun, what's the point? Would your company be more profitable if you focused on the products themselves and being efficient with your money? Of course! But is installing a laser tag room in your company headquarters worth it? Heck yeah. The fun part about being in charge is that you basically just get to do what you want and ignore the naysayers, like your president, or your chief financial officer, or your shareholders...
Speaking of money, did you know that you can solve any problem just by throwing money at it? Your latest product was a miserable failure? No problem! Release two more to recover your losses! Be the business hydra! One product flops, two more take its place. You ever notice how much shelf space WT Cereal hogs at JojaMart?
Also, the color red is your friend! If your business is anything like mine, you'll be seeing it on the financial reports a lot. Might as well get used to it and make it something that you enjoy when it pops up. Try to associate it psychologically with something that you like so your brain can release the good kind of funny chemicals instead of the bad ones.
That's all the free advice I can give for now, unfortunately. I just got inspired to write a book about this stuff. Can I put you down for a pre-order?
Dear Waluigi Time,
I need some advice on playing video games with my girlfriend. Obviously, Cayde loves Mario Kart, but often loses against me. She gets frustrated and storms off after a couple races.
I know that Smart Steering and Auto-Accelerate are options, but I don’t want Cayde to feel pushed along while in a race.
How can I help her get better at Mario Kart and also make it so she doesn’t get angry when she loses?
Sincerely, Zerris H.
They say love makes you do strange things, and apparently that includes wanting to lose at kart races. Let me see what I can do.
Well, you could just throw the race to make sure she wins, or at least gets a higher ranking than you. Sure would be a shame if you "accidentally" drove off a cliff and wasted precious time getting hauled back by Lakitu, or if you used that really useful item you got at the wrong time or threw it at the wrong place! Just don't make it too obvious, and use it sparingly. I don't care if you're the worst Mario Kart player in the world, you're not plausibly going to be spending three minutes straight falling down the same pit. It has to be a close race!
If you want to be more honest about it, then try playing team VS Races, and make sure you're both on the same team. That way, it's less of a competition, and you can work together. Now you both win! Unless you lose! This should make a "loss" easier to deal with since you're both scoring points for your team no matter what positions you get, and she gets more practice at the game.
You might also want to consider switching to another game entirely. Just don't play Mario Party if you value your relationship. And don't even think about Dokapon Kingdom, that game can destroy a relationship if you just look at the box funny.
Happy karting!
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome once more to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament with high amounts of facial hair on things that probably shouldn't have it! I'm your announcer, Waluigi Time. We're doing something a little bit different today! For the first and maybe last time in Smackdown history, we're having a tag-team match that I like to call... The Battle of the 'Stache! Without further ado, let's meet our contestants!
For our first team, we have the Baron of Blasting Matter and the Baron of Blasting Matter's Mechanical Recreation, that's right, give it up for KING BOB-OMB AND MECHA KING BOB-OMB!
Let's start things off with the king himself before moving on to his mechanical doppelganger. King Bob-omb has quite the throwing arm, and can pick up and toss opponents across the ring, or even out of it! That being said, if it was between him and a Chuckster, I'd bet on the Chuckster. And being their king and all, he has plenty of Bob-omb subjects at his disposal to toss at enemies and detonate on them! Those must be high health insurance premiums. If there was any doubt, King Bob-omb himself is also highly explosive, which would normally be a last ditch effort since it would take him out of the match, but since this IS tag team... Also, something about him makes me want to eat chips. I don't know what it is.
On to Mecha King Bob-omb! Like its non-mechanical - wait, hang on, Bob-ombs are kind of mechanical, right - um, its... original counterpart, this deadly mech piloted by the Rabbid Kanya has plenty of Bob-ombs to throw on its own! It can also jump and create a shockwave where it lands, and perform a spin attack to knock opponents around the ring! I wouldn't want to fight this thing. Now that I think about it, King Bob-omb may be the original, but this design really is a Mk. II upgrade, isn't it?
And our second team, proving that opposites do in fact attract, it's the Chief of Ice and the King of Spice, CHIEF CHILLY AND KING KALIENTE!
Starting with Chief Chilly, well, he doesn't actually have any ice powers, but he's sure adapted to life in the cold! Except for his main weakness being cold water, but I'm just going to gloss over that. He sure is good at pushing people around, though! And that's really it. There's only so much you can say for these Bully-type fighters. But look at that mustache!
Now for someone a bit more in tune with the elements, King Kaliente! He fires, well, fireballs! And coconuts too, however that works. Maybe this species is half octopus and half coconut tree? More on the octopus side? The coconuts can be knocked back at him though, so he better be careful! Or just not fire them. He can also summon Lava Bubbles into battle, and when he gets really mad, rain down meteors! If the match goes on too long, you better watch your noggin.
I could make a prediction here, but I'm feeling extra indecisive today, so I'm not going to! Let's get right into the match!
We start the match off with King Bob-omb vs. Chief Chilly! These two were field leaders of Bowser's campaign when he kidnapped Peach, so now we get to see them go head to head and find out who has the better mustache! Uh, no, not that time he kidnapped Peach, the other one. Anyway, Chief Chilly charges forward as King Bob-omb casually saunters toward his opponent! The King never really was known for his speed, I suppose. At least not outside of a kart. The two of them collide, and the force pushes King Bob-omb back a bit, but now they're just kind of locked in place trying to shove each other around! It's kind of like a weird version of sumo wrestling, now. But wait, King Bob-omb pulls out a Bob-omb and detonates it, sending Chief Chilly back! A bit of a risky move to deal with close-range explosives, but luckily for King Bob-omb, he can take an explosion or two. Not three, though. Nobody can.
Chief Chilly scurries back to his corner and spices up the match by tagging in King Kaliente! King Bob-omb can already tell this probably isn't going to go well for him, and hurries back to his own corner as Kaliente launches a flurry of fireballs across the ring, tagging in Mecha- you know what, I'm just going to say Kanya now. Kanya is able to take the fireballs pretty well with that metallic exterior, and she counters with a jump and shockwave, sending lava from Kaliente's pool out of the ring! Oh, that's going to be a mess to clean up... Hopefully it doesn't incinerate anything of great importance.
King Kaliente shoots a coconut now, but Kanya punches it back right in his face! Kaliente's getting mad now, and, wait a minute? Chief Chilly's getting back into the match too! That's not, oh forget it. If they can do it on that robot show I guess we can do it here too, it's more fun that way! Chief Chilly charges toward Kanya as Kaliente starts firing down meteors through the rooooof... Great, more stuff to fix! But King Bob-omb isn't going to take his opponents cheating lying down, because he's cheating too! This match is devolving into chaos! Enjoy getting your money's worth, folks.
King Bob-omb picks Chief Chilly up and tosses him across the ring, and while he doesn't get thrown out, he does get caught up in the ropes and sprung back toward Kanya, knocking the hulking mech off of its feet! Kanya performs a spin attack and slides across the ring floor, drilling towards Kaliente! In a panic, the Rocto shoots fireballs all around the ring, and a stray one hits King Bob-omb! That's gonna, yep, KA-BOOM! The force of the explosion sends everyone flying, but while Kaliente and Chilly both manage to barely stay in the ring, with all that momentum Kanya tears right through the ropes and hurls out of the building! King Kaliente and Chief Chilly win!
So now we know who has the better mustaches! Not that trial by combat actually has anything to do with facial hair, I think. Well, it looks like the building's still standing, so that means we're having another match next month! If you have any ideas for who you want to see, send those in! See you all in the next one!
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace (talk)
Cheep Cheep Beach Now Available For Holiday Bookings!
Hello residents of the Mushroom Kingdom (or Earth, depending where you’re reading this), and welcome to the first-ever issue of The Sunshine Travel Guide! We’re the people who plan perfect vacations to paradise! Every month we will release an issue detailing the hottest location in the Mushroom Kingdom, and today it is the seaside resort, Cheep Cheep Beach! So without further ado, we present to you, the Cheep Cheep Beach travel guide!
Attractions
Located in Isle Delfino, the popular vacation spot, Cheep Cheep Beach is chock-full of fun activities. You can go scuba diving, tan on the shore, take part in the famous fishy festival with its various fish-themed attractions, and explore the haunted lighthouse on a full moon! However, there’s two attractions that are the most popular by far, the Super Marine World tour, and the kart races.
Super Marine World tour is a guided hike through the many islands to observe wildlife in its natural habitat. You can see the Cheep Cheeps (obviously), Cheep Chomps, Rip Van Fish, Porcupuffers, Unagi, and even the endangered Sidesteppers in the wild! It’s really an essential part of the Cheep Cheep Beach experience.
Then there’s the kart races. For a low price, (one may call it Cheap Cheap) you can get fitted in a kart and have an intense race with 11 other visitors! The track takes you underwater, through the trees, and even gliding off the dock. You really can’t miss this.
Food
Cheep Cheep Beach has huge ranges of culinary dishes, many including fish. You can eat fresh fish, grilled fish, Sidestepper Legs, Cheep Cheep Candy, seaweed stew, coral cake, (not the greatest names, but the food is ace) and the super popular Cheep Chomp Steak and Aquaburger. There’s also the fantastic tropical food, from durians and pineapples to bananas and mangoes.
Accommodation
Cheep Cheep Beach has only one available place to stay, Crab Cabanas. These are small but cosy huts, complete with their own dock! All ranges of fun can happen here, like fishing or a barbecue. This comes at a Cheap Cheap (I shouldn’t use the same joke twice) price of 750 coins! Discounts are available for aquatic species (such as Lochladies).
Transport
Propeller Toad Transport, Boomerang Bros. International Airlines, and Paratroopa Airlines all have flights going to Cheep Cheep Beach currently. Personally, I’d recommend PTT, as they are the most trustworthy. PAL and BBIA involved themselves in the Princess Peach kidnapping under the service of King Bowser.
PAL is offering discounts of 150 coins on weekdays, BBIA gives discounts of 200 coins to people under Bowser's rule, and PTT has a discount of 100 coins for families.
Weather
Cheep Cheep Beach is located in Isle Delfino, so it’s sunny all the time. Monday through Thursday will be sunny, and Friday through Sunday will have one cloud in the sky. So travel on a Sunday, relax for a few days, and explore other locations when the bad weather comes (one cloud, oh no).
Souvenirs
My boss just told me the guide is still not long enough, so here is a crappy section with the best souvenirs to buy from Cheep Cheep Beach.
| Sand Jar | ||
|---|---|---|
|
This is a jar containing sand (who would’ve thought it) from the shore of Cheep Cheep Beach. I really don’t know why you would want this. | |
| PRICE: | 30 Coins | |
| Cheep Cheep Mask | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Perfect for small kids, these are plastic masks in the shape of fish. Comes in various colours and species. I do not recommend the Eel mask as it terrifies small children. If you are wearing one you can’t come out to play. | |
| PRICE: | 10 Coins | |
| Delfino Swimwear | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Specially made at Pinna Park, this swimwear is comfortable, fashionable, and flexible. The best buy at Cheap Cheap Souvenirs (why does this joke keep coming up?!). It is also necessary to go on the Super Marine World Ocean Tour, so definitely my top pick. | |
| PRICE: | 50 Coins | |
Reviews
- “My word! This was a tremendous trip! It is a brilliant place for a getaway. I feel so refreshed, and it was so nice to escape my regular life at a holiday resort. 9/10” - PoshBubbaline
- “Chomp chomp munch. Snap snap snap. Chomp snap growl. Growwwwwwwl. 4/10” - PirHanHaPLanT
- “Mwahahahaha, it was awesome, nearly as awesome as me. My son and I painted, hung out with chicks, relaxed in a hot tub, and went on a kart race! HAHHAHAHA! Radical! And tubular! And all those other words kids don’t use anymore! 10/10” - King Bowser
Welp, there you have it. The long list of reasons why you should visit Cheep Cheep Beach these holidays! I have no idea what else to write in the conclusion. My boss said it was finally long enough, so I’m done here. This was your feline reporter TheBlueCatMenace, or Cosmo for short, and I’ve got a holiday waiting for me. Cheep Cheep Beach, here I come!
To: ‘Shroom Staff
Cc: Elvin Gadd
Subject: TV Tomorrow update
Hi guys,
Quizmelon here! Sorry for the radio silence this past month; I’ve been having some communication difficulties, finally resolved them now though. Anyway, the good news is that I have managed to escape from the bricked-up cinema I was trapped in last month! The bad news is that I have escaped in the wrong direction, and I am still trapped, just somewhere else. Let me explain…
I was so mesmerised by the rippling paradise depicted by that wondrous art film ‘The Portal’ that I found myself leaping right into it, trying to reach its purply picturesque beauty. And against all odds, it worked. Turns out ‘The Portal’ is not in fact a film but instead an interdimensional wormhole that transfers things between worlds (it seems to be a more advanced version of the technology they used in the paintings in Peach’s Castle in Super Mario 64, if that makes any sense). Consequently I ended up in that paradise, and it was indeed incredibly beautiful and blissful and serene…well, for a couple of hours or so, anyway. Then I got a bit bored of it. So I turned around to head back.
Unfortunately, the interdimensional wormhole had disappeared, and I found I had no way of returning to the cinema. There was, however, a road leading away from the beach; so with no other options, I followed that, hoping to find the portal, or some assistance, or even just a snack, since I was quite hungry. Eventually I came across a small cluster of shiitake mushrooms by the roadside; by now starving, I immediately munched down on them, only for them to angrily attack me. Upon re-examination I realised they were in fact Goombas, and to cut a long story short, I discovered I was (and still am) in the Mushroom Kingdom - the real one. (Yes, I thought it was fictional too. Evidently this world runs on some kind of Ffordean cross-fictional multiverse logic. Exploring the ramifications of that hasn’t really been my highest priority though.)
.png){kind=icon}
I’ve spent the past few weeks staying with a family of generic Toads in Toad Town; unluckily all the major Mario characters seem to be out of town engaged in some conflict in the neighbouring Flower Kingdom, so I haven’t managed to meet any of them. Yesterday, however, I made contact with Professor E Gadd, who has agreed to help me work out how to return to my world. We’re unclear at the moment how that specific portal was generated in the first place, but we’re working on methods to recreate it as soon as possible. Also, he’s worked out a highly convenient cross-dimensional email system which allows me to reach you - hence this email!
Meanwhile, I’ve been ensuring this setback doesn’t impede TV Tomorrow. I’m using this inadvertent interdimensional jump as an expansion of the scope of my World Tour, and have been performing the show to interested local residents. In fact, it’s at last proving very successful! I suppose the reviews are more relevant to this audience. Plus, watching the shows here is so much easier, and gives me a much better cultural awareness of the Mushroom Kingdom media scene, which is massively helpful.
Anyway, though, now that I’ve got email contact with you just in time for the next ‘Shroom issue, I can send over my latest article to your dimension. Have been a bit busy to write it a proper introduction and conclusion though; you can write your own, or you can just use this email I suppose if you’re feeling lazy. Here’s July’s top three in Mushroom Kingdom television!
Yoshi’s Island
MKBC2, 8.30pm
Genre: Soap
However much the popularity of soaps is waning in our dimension, it’s still going strong in the Mushroom Kingdom, and Yoshi’s Island remains flagship programming for MKBC. Certainly the Toad family I’ve been living with watch it incessantly. It’s been particularly good recently, too, with a genuinely tense, high-stakes story about an incoming avalanche shaking up almost all of the relationships on the island; almost everyone in Toad Town has strong opinions on it. The avalanche arc comes to a head in tomorrow’s episode with a dramatic disaster sequence that has clearly taken enormous chunks of the MKBC budget to film, but it’s worth it to create what might be one of the soap’s best ever episodes. Absolute not-to-miss telly here.
♡♪!?: The Geno Story
MKBC1, 9pm
Genre: Autobiographical documentary feature
Around thirty years ago, one of the Mushroom Kingdom’s biggest celebrities was Geno, an actor known primarily for starring in his own action series Geno: Super Star, in which he played a sagelike celestial being who possesses a doll to return peace to the Mushroom Kingdom. Unexpectedly, however, at the height of his fame, Geno decided it was all too much and disappeared from the public eye, becoming a mostly-forgotten and barely-seen recluse. Tomorrow, however, he finally returns to our screens, and on his own terms, with this fascinating and revealing self-made documentary about his life and career. It’s already sparked considerable media interest here, and nostalgia among Toads in their mid-forties is reaching critical levels - the dad of the generic Toad family seems to be able to talk about him for hours. Expect the second wave of Genomania any time soon.
The Hunt for Brooklyn
MKBC3, 10pm
Genre: Documentary
I know, I know, two documentaries in one article, it’s bad practice, but I thought this one was relevant to the current situation, not to mention culturally fascinating. You will remember back in April when I referred to how The Super Mario Bros. Movie had become a curious phenomenon in the Mushroom Kingdom; well, that hasn’t died down yet, and tomorrow we’re getting an hour-long documentary presented by Goombario which sets out to investigate if the location of Brooklyn, depicted in the film, is a real place. I can’t help but wonder if they could have used me as a source on this, but oh well. As it happens the documentary is largely incorrect and thus very funny; Goombario basically comes to the conclusion that Brooklyn scientifically cannot possibly exist and thus is probably an artificially-generated hoax perpetrated by the Shy Guy mafia. Still, it does offer some interesting insights into the nature of dimension-crossing, featuring interviews with the Toads who originally managed to procure a copy of the film… wait…
…Of course! Those dimension-crossing Toads who got the movie here, they must know something about the portal! According to the docu they reside at a laboratory in the mountains, so E Gadd, let’s set out for there tomorrow. Must dash now I’m afraid, got a busy evening now, planning tomorrow’s trip, plus I’ve got a sold-out gig to recite that above article at Club 64 in a couple hours. But I’ll keep in regular contact with you guys about how the situation is progressing, and keep up TV Tomorrow every month per usual. Until then, and hope to see you soon!
Quizmelon
P.S. E Gadd says hi!
Consumer Corner
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
On an otherwise peaceful day, up in that place where bizarre ideas are born, the Waluigi Time Cereal Tower, the cereal magnate Waluigi Time barges through the door to his office, nearly knocking it off of its hinges. "Shbig! Did you hear? They just announced the New New Super amiibo Adventure 3D Deluxe & Knuckles + Bowser's Furious Minion Journey 2 Enhanced Port with New Funky Mode five minutes ago!" he exclaims. "Oh, I thought something important happened," Shbig replies. "Something important did happen! Now I have to pre-order all the new amiibo!" he says, somersaulting over his desk and flopping unceremoniously into his chair. "WAAAAAAH-T? Sold out? How can they be sold out already?!" In a fit of rage, Waluigi Time rips the desktop monitor from its place, pulling several dangling cords with it, and tosses it out the window, shattering the glass. Apparently this is "normal" behavior now. Shbig sure isn't acting like it's anything out of the ordinary. As Waluigi Time continues to fume... THUD! And now a car alarm's going off. That's, uh, that's really great. Suddenly, a proverbial light bulb turns on in the cereal magnate's head. "Wait a minute Shbig, I think there's money to be made here!" "What, you're going to become an amiibo scalper?" Shbig asks. "Nope! It's time for cereal!"
Suddenly we cut to Waluigi Time and his trusty employee Chuck, standing on the roof of a warehouse in the middle of the night. Waluigi Time peeks down through a rooftop window. "Look at all those beautiful amiibo, fresh off the assembly line!" "You want this, boss?" Chuck asks, producing a comically large hammer. "Are you crazy? I already explained that this had to be a stealth mission! Give me the small one." Chuck puts away the comically large hammer and hands Waluigi Time a much more reasonably sized one, which he uses to smash through the glass - and then drops the hammer through to the floor. "Whoops. Okay, hold this," Waluigi Time says, handing a fishing pole with the hook attached to his suit jacket to Chuck. "Is this a good idea?" "Of course!" "If you say so." Waluigi Time jumps down through the hole as Chuck operates the fishing pole, and he soon returns with arms full of amiibo.* "What about the hammer?" Chuck asks. "Nevermind the hammer, let's go!"
* - Professional amateur, do not attempt. Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. does not condone breaking and entering for any amiibo or non-amiibo-related reasons. No laws were broken in the development of this product.
Back at the Waluigi Time Cereal Factory, Waluigi Time is doing... something, as Shbig looks on. Does anyone ever really know? "I'm not sure if I want to ask, but what exactly are you doing?" Shbig asks. "Well, I think I finally synthesized the NFC chips in the amiibo into something edible," Waluigi Time replies, looking at a piece of cereal. He eats it, and then coughs. "N-needs flavoring, but, hey, edible," he says weakly. "What's big these days? Horseradish? Worcestershire sauce? You know what, maybe I'll just go with chocolate. First I'll have to make sure these work, though." Waluigi Time boots up a Nintendo Switch and does the amiibo-y thing with a second piece of cereal. "YES! It works! amiibo you can eat!" he exclaims triumphantly. "I fail to see the point of this," Shbig says. "Well, now you get all the different amiibo in one box instead of having to run around buying them all. I mean, sure, they don't look as cool, but you get the functionality, and you can eat them if you don't want them! Besides, it's excessively gimmicky which means we'll be trending online." "Hm. You actually make a good point, on that last one at least."
Suddenly, there's a loud pounding noise coming from the door! "Waluigi Time! This is the cops, open up!" "Oh no! How did they figure out it was me? I always wear gloves so my fingerprints couldn't have been on the hammer I left behind," Waluigi Time wonders. "The hammer?" Shbig asks. "Yeah, the hammer." "You mean the purple hammer with your personal emblem on it?" "Yeah." There's a moment of awkward silence before the realization. "Oh... Well, this could be a problem." Waluigi Time pulls a pair of sunglasses and fake mustache from his pocket and puts them on. "Shbig, you're gonna have to release the product! I'll be hiding in the Swiss Cheese Alps until this blows over!" Waluigi Time flees and leaps out the window, leaving a disgruntled yet somehow not bewildered Shbig behind as Hammer Bros. in police uniforms bust down the door.
amiibo Cereal, the latest product from Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated! An amiibo in every bite! Who ever said playing with your food was bad?
"Wahaha! Eat and/or play with this or else!"
| The 'Shroom: Issue 196 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
