The 'Shroom:Issue 157/Fake News
With many people being stuck inside and nearly all events being cancelled, a new issue of the 'Shroom feels like a massive event. Spring may have sprung, snow may have melted, but for many these facts which get us to go outside and savour fresh air in a regular year no longer matter. Time may start to feel meaningless, life may feel pointless, but at least this paper will keep on running, one issue per month!
In all seriousness, I hope that all of our readers are staying safe during the pandemic, paying attention to the news and following safety guidelines. Hopefully our newspaper will entertain you for a good hour.
As per usual, you can sign up to write for this or any other team in the 'Shroom by going here.
Section of the Month
Lord Bowser (talk) did really well last month with a massive 48 votes. Quizmelon (talk) and Coffee also did great with 24 and 6 votes respectively. Thanks to all of our great writers and voters, and please vote this month too!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH|
|1st||News Flush||48||59.26%||Lord Bowser|
Goooood morning/afternoon/evening/other valid timeframe, 'Shroom readers. Welcome back to another edition of News Flush, hosted by your extremely handsome and fabulous anchor, LB! Let's get right to our top headlines.
Some new-fangled celebrity raccoon named Tom Nook has been taking the world by storm these past few weeks, offering extremely generous island vacation packages with interest-free loans and no pressure to pay it back in due time. Why anyone would be insane enough to do that should be the real news story, but I guess people don't care enough when they're getting free things. Even so, even the nicest-looking guys have some dirty secrets, and our good friend Tom is no exception!
Tom Nook Facing Allegations of Forced Child Labor
Reported: 9 April
Tom Nook, internationally-renowned business mogul, has begun to offer interested customers deluxe island vacation packages at extremely lenient prices. On these islands are various amenities, such as a shopping center and even their own stock market. However, as discovered in a recent bombshell report, these facilities unabashedly employ children. Specifically, the Nook's Cranny chain of markets have been known to put Tom Nook's own... sons? nephews? random kids he found on the street? ...to work. Timmy and Tommy Nook have been spotted operating registers when they can barely peer their heads over them, and even lifting heavy furniture in cramped conditions, without being given so much as a lunch break. It is suspected that they are forced to sleep in the store as well. A reporter managed to interview the pair of twins, and this is what they had to say:
What?! No, no, no! You're getting this all wrong! (...all wrong!) We love playing store here! Daddy always comes in to check on us to make sure we're OK, and Mabel and Able come to play sometimes too! (...too!) We don't have any bosses except ourselves, so we can do whatever we want all day! (...all day!) Do you guys want to play too?
Begging a reporter for even a few seconds of playtime? How tragic their situation must be! Unfortunately, this isn't the only allegation against Tom Nook's new island scheme. As we mentioned previously, these islands have their own independent economies, including a sort-of stock market, where the stocks in question are actually turnips. Who's the one providing these turnips to the wealthy elite, so they can stuff their pockets ever further through insider trading? None other than the helpless child, Daisy Mae, who has been reported to work a 7-hour shift every Sunday, starting at the astonishingly early 5 AM until noon. She has been seen aimlessly walking around islands, carrying an extremely heavy load of turnips on her head the entire time. She's been forced to work even while sick, as evidenced by her constant sneezing. A reporter was able to get in touch with Daisy Mae herself, answering with the following when questioned about her situation:
"Bad knees", huh? Could Tom Nook have perhaps disabled Daisy Mae's grandmother to force the young child to work for him?! We'll have to find out more!
Oh, these turnips? They don't weigh anything at all, really! I'm just out here helping my Gram-Gram's tradition of-- *ahem* --the "Sow Joan's Stalk Market". (Gee, I hope I got the name right!) Anywho, she's had to take some time off 'cause of her bad knees, but she'll be better in no time! I don't really care about the money much, I'm just happy to help out my dear granny. You guys want to buy some turnips? They're fresh off the farm!
Body of Unidentified Animal in Rabbit Costume Found on Mystery Island
Reported: 12 April
The body of an unknown animal was found on the coast of a deserted island associated with Tom Nook's Mystery Island Tour program. Alongside the animal was a torn-up costume of a large yellow rabbit, with the name "Zipper T. Bunny" written on the tag. The body was discovered by a shocked island tourist shortly after their arrival on a plane; at the time of the discovery, the body appeared fresh. Surrounding the body were a number of bloodied candy eggs, and the message "DOWN WITH BUNNY DAY" written in the sand. Police are considering the murder premeditated.
The plane's pilot, Wilbur Dodo, was later questioned by police over potential involvement in the case, owing to his airline's extensive knowledge of these mystery islands;
The mystery of Zipper T. Bunny's killer remains unclear as of yet, though many of those who knew him seem to have taken the news very nonchalantly, including Tom Nook himself. He might be missed, but probably not.
Bellbottom officers this is stovetop kaleidoscope, roger. Sorry, officers, I know nothing. We at Delta Oscar Delta Oscar Airlines burn the flight plans after every trip, see. I didn't know I'd come back to this island after having just been here yesterday 'till it showed up on my window. Don't know who killed the poor fella, over. Me and Soaring Pansy over here are innocent, and pay no mind to my slightly bloodied feathers, over.
K.K. Slider Arrested for Indecent Exposure After Island Concert
Reported: 11 April
Famed musician Totakeke "K.K." Slider was arrested during a concert at one of Tom Nook's getaway islands last Friday. Police charged him with indecent exposure owing to his being naked throughout the entire concert. With only a guitar to cover his immorality, Slider was able to scar the minds of many children in attendance, some of whom were big fans of his music prior to the shocking audacity of his actions. After being apprehended by police, Slider yelled the following at reporters on the scene:
Slider was very briefly held at the New Leaf County Jail, before his bail of 1,000,000 Bells was immediately paid off by his dedicated fans. He remains under house arrest, along with being ordered to wear clothes.
Man, I've been like this for 20 years and you guys only NOW get mad at me? This world is wack. Let me and my business be free, man! Everyone wants to be free like me!
And there you have it, folks. With child labor, murder, and even public nudity running amok at these "luxury" islands, who in their right mind would trust Tom Nook's offer? We hope this news report was able to keep you informed. This is your handsome anchor, Lord Bowser, signing out!
There was a flurry of excitement in my office earlier this week – and not least because Madame Flurrie had just left – but I heard word that a Mushroom Kingdom doctor had passed away from causes unknown. My mind went running through all the possibilities, was it the world-renowned Doctor Mario? Perhaps it was Doctor Bowser? Or could it indeed have been Doctor Rosalina or Doctor Baby Rosalina? However, when I finally reached the morgue, I found out that the deceased was actually just Mushroom Doctor.
It turns out he was such an inconsequential doctor, that no-one at the Mushroom Kingdom Hospital had even listened to his actual name, and just given him the name badge: Mushroom Doctor. When I asked if he had any medical accomplishment I could mention while honouring him, I was informed that his only claim to fame was deciding that Princess Toadstool needed a vacation. When I was given the picture of the Mushroom Doctor to use for this section, I questioned whether he discovered why Mario didn't have any feet, but I was told a more important doctor – Doctor Mario – had diagnosed this issue.
I tried turning to others in the medical community to learn more about the Mushroom Doctor, but it didn't go as planned. Doctor Kamek turned my recorder into a Koopa Troopa, which then walked off, Doctor Nabbit stole all of my money, Dr. Luma launched me off into space and Dr. Fire Luigi accidentally hit me with a fireball causing me to be admitted to the hospital.
Despite no one knowing anything about him, it was still decided that a funeral would be held in his honour. Mourners are to attend the Graveyard in Mushroom Doctor's hometown of Town to pay their respects. His family, Family, have warned that if too many people arrive, they may have to ask some mourners to wait outside. Meanwhile, I'm researching malpractice in this kingdom following the antics of Dr. Fire Luigi.
Written by: Coffee
Welcome back to TV Tomorrow, the monthly television column that isn’t a podcast and never will be. Before I get into this month’s outlining of televisual mastery, I very sadly have to report that the Super Mario Wiki successfully tricked me with its ‘paid content’ gag for all of 90 seconds this April Fools’ Day, and I have therefore spent the last seventeen days in shameful hibernation as I cry about my unforeseen gullibility. Nevertheless, this has meant I had a lot of spare time to get this column done. So here’s the top picks of tomorrow’s Mushroom Kingdom television!
New: Wario’s Five Minute Fitness
MKBC2, regular intervals
Genre: Fitness programme
Obesity has become an increasing problem in the Mushroom Kingdom as more and more people stay in to watch television; something about a highly convincing columnist telling them to watch as much TV as they can, or so I’ve heard. To combat this problem, MKBC2 has commissioned a series of fitness videos to play at regular intervals throughout the day, and for whatever reason they’ve dragged obesity’s poster child Wario in to host it. Although intended to help improve fitness, the show is actually better when you just sit on the sofa and laugh at it, which sort of defeats the purpose.
Genre: Dystopian drama
Set in a world where the inhabitants are witlessly controlled by a hive mind of strange black creatures known collectively as the Smorg, this gripping drama sees a young plumber - played, naturally, by Mario - break free from their influence and begin a one-man quest to return freedom to the Mushroom Kingdom. The final episode of this six-part first series, airing tomorrow, will see Mario face off against the physical manifestation of the Smorg, which has begun a disturbing violent streak.
Morty’s School of Filmmaking
Genre: Film education
Morty will forever be remembered as the Mushroom Kingdom’s greatest filmmaker, but following his death in 1983, many feared he would never be able to pass on his greatness to future generations. However, thanks to the efforts of one Professor Elvin Gadd, Morty has been successfully tracked down in spectral form and has agreed to present a two-hour televised lecture on the art of filmmaking, with a possible full series to follow. A must-see for all film enthusiasts.
And with that, I think I have finally redeemed myself from my April Fools’ mishap. I have fully repented and will never be so easily tricked again. In fact, to prove it, I am going to donate my entire savings to a friendly Nigerian prince who emailed me yesterday offering to make me the director of his personal newspaper. If I’m not here in May, you know I’ve moved onto higher things. Otherwise, see you then!
|The 'Shroom: Issue 157|
|Staff sections||Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight|
|Features||Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing|
|Specials||ACNH Photo Contest|