The 'Shroom:Issue 188/Fake News
Hello there, Fake News readers! We're back again with coverage of more fictitious events for you all to enjoy. It's what we do best after all, the sign above the door to our office says so!
Mushroom Tribune has once again been temporarily renamed to DK Island Gazette this month while Mustard Machine (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) head to Donkey Kong Island to cover some Kongtroversy. It's still the section you know and love, so don't worry! The Mushroom Marquee and Horrorscopes are off for this issue, but we've still got plenty of good stuff here.
Don't forget, next month will be our Holiday Special Issue! The theme this year is racing games to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Mario Kart. If you're not currently a member of the Fake News team and think you'd like to contribute, head on over to the sign up page for more information on how to apply! We're open to volunteer sections as well, if you'd like to write something but don't want to commit to a full section. Maybe you'd like to write Peddler's Place advertising an item that would be useful on the racetrack, or a Travel Guide showcasing some of your favorite racing locales! Those are just a couple of examples for what you could do, Sky Garden's the limit! If doing a volunteer section interests you, contact me and I'll help you get everything sorted out.
Section of the Month
We had a lot of engagement with Section of the Month this time around, netting a grand total of 49 votes! Our first place winner is once again Quizmelon (talk) with TV Tomorrow! Apparently a good chunk of our readers felt like rebelling against Halloween too... Hm... Our next two sections are Consumer Corner and Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, both of them tying for second place. Thank you for supporting our writers, and don't forget to keep voting!
|FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH
|Waluigi Time (talk)
|Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
|Waluigi Time (talk)
Yar, greetings an' salutations, sports lovers! It be me, that plunderin' pirate, ClawgripFan9001, comin' at ya live from The Overthere fer today's sports news! Now ye probably be wonderin' what I be doin' in the aftergame, yar? Well, after me coverage o' last month's marathon in Twilight Town, I set sail fer other shores t'cover sports news at when me ship got caught in the middle o' the biggest storm o' the year, and I was promptly hurled o'er the side o' me ship, and I then proceeded t'get eaten alive by a Cheep Chomp. Next thing I knew, I be wakin' up in The Overthere, with a pair o' angel wings on me back an' a halo above me head. But fear not, fer the residents o' The Overthere be huge sports fans just like the people in the world o' the livin'. Yar, so with that outta the way, lemme get ya the scoop on today's sports news!
Today's sports event be a lacrosse match 'tween the Nimbis o' The Overthere an' the Shaydes o' The Underwhere! Accordin' to some o' the Nimbis I managed t'interview 'bout the event, King Grambi and Queen Jaydes hold a lacrosse event in The Overthere every month in an attempt t'foster peace 'tween the Nimbis an' the Shaydes. I also managed t'get a hold o' King Grambi an' Queen Jaydes' daughter, Luvbi, who managed t'gimme more details on the monthly lacrosse game.
Accordin' to Luvbi, the monthly lacrosse game be the field version o' lacrosse. Male Nimbis an' male Shaydes are split into two teams o' ten, with three attackmen, three midfielders, three defensemen an' one goalie. They be dressed up in protective gear, an' carry their lacrosse stick t'try an' carry, pass, catch an' chuck a ball into a goal. The game be played o'er the timespan o' 60 minutes, divided into 4 periods o' 15 minutes each. That basically be all ye need t'know 'bout the lacrosse game, an' that basically be all the information Luvbi was willin' t'give me before she told me off, an' it appears the lass don't take a likin' towards me, sayin' she don't want a crusty ol' pirate like me t'be her prince. Suppose the lass be lookin' fer love or somethin, I dunno. Yar, but I be gettin' off topic! Let's get into the game!
So the game begins, an' the referee, Whibbi starts off with a coin toss to decide which team gets t'go first! The Nimbis pick heads, which leaves the Shaydes with tails, so Whibbi tosses the coin, an' it lands on heads! The Nimbis go first! So the game starts off, and the Nimbis start their offense by sendin' their attackmen into the Shaydes' side o' the field, an' the Nimbis' midfielders promptly chuck the ball into the Shaydes' side o' the field, leavin' the ball t'be caught by the Nimbis' attackers, which they carry o'er to the Shaydes' goal, chuck the ball again, an'...it landed! The score be 3-0 fer the Nimbis! The Nimbis then back off t'give the Shaydes' goalie room t'chuck the ball away from the Shaydes' goal!
One o' the Shaydes' attackmen picks up the ball an' makes their way towards the Nimbis' side o' the field, but the Nimbis' defensemen try their best t'stop 'im, an' succeed, 'cause they nick the ball outta his stick an' pass it o'er to their midfielders, who then pass it o'er to their attackmen, who then try an' pull off a tricky shot from the middle o' the field! One o' the Nimbis' attackmen chucks the ball through the air, an' despite the Shaydes' best attempts to prevent the ball from landin' in their goal, it lands in the goal regardless! 6-0 fer the Nimbis!
The Shaydes then start t'crank it up a notch, an' their goalie chucks the ball away from the goal, leavin' it t'be caught by one o' the attackmen, and together with the other attackmen, they push their offense on the Nimbis an' chuck the ball into their goal! The score now be 6-3, meanin' the Shaydes be makin' a comeback! The Nimbis' goalie chucks the ball away from the goal, allowin' a Nimbi midfielder t'catch it and pass it towards his teammate, an attackman! The attackman rushes o'er to the Shaydes' side o' the field an' tries t'get the ball into the Shaydes' goal, but is stopped by the Shaydes' defensemen, an' the defensemen pass the ball to their midfielders, who in turn send the ball to their attackmen in Nimbi territory, an' they send the ball into the Nimbis' goal once more! The score now be tied at 6-6!
We soon make it to the second period o' the game, an' both teams be determined t'get the upper hand on one another! The Nimbis nick the ball from the Shaydes, an' chuck it into their goal! 9-6! One o' the Shaydes' defensemen tries t'stop one o' the Nimbis' attackmen, but ends up slashin' the Nimbi attackman! That be a personal foul in lacrosse, forcin' the Shaydes' defenseman t'leave the field! A penalty is issued, which means that the Shaydes be playin' man down, an' the Nimbis be playin' man up! That means the Nimbis now be playin' with six attackers while the Shaydes be playin' with five defenders an' their goalie! The Nimbis send the ball flyin' towards the Shaydes' goal, but the Shaydes' goalie catches the ball an' sends it flyin' right back! The penalty soon be lifted, an' the Shaydes' defenseman who caused the penalty is allowed to re-enter the field! All the Shaydes try t'go on the offense, but Whibbi the referee soon blows his whistle, signaling the first half o' the game is over!
As the players go an' take a load off fer a bit, I head out t'grab a drink as one o' the Nimbis hands me a grail filled with water straight from The Overthere. As I drink the purest water I've possibly tasted in me entire life an' afterlife, I run into King Grambi himself, an' I manage t'get a short interview outta him. The King tells me that he an' his wife, Queen Jaydes have always been wantin' t'try an' implement a sports event into the aftergame fer years, an' also find a way t'try an' foster peace 'tween the Nimbis an' the Shaydes, which is how this monthly lacrosse game came t'be. I asked him if the event has been successful in tryin' t'foster peace 'tween the Nimbis an' the Shaydes, an' King Grambi replied that it has been successful. Yar, that be good news t'me! The King also told me that if I behave well enough durin' me time in The Overthere, he will eventually send me back to the world o' the livin'. Yar, that be good news too!
So once rest period's over, we return to the game, an' both teams have decided t'not hold anythin' back at all anymore, with both teams makin' aggressive plays on the field, snatchin' the ball from each other, sendin' it flyin' into the opponent's goal, and so on. The score goes from 12-9 fer the Nimbis to 18-12 fer the Shaydes, an' the tension be so thick, ye could almost cut with a cutlass, but I don't be havin' a cutlass on me at the moment. Guess the cutlass I was carryin' at the time o' me death is currently restin' inside that Cheep Chomp's belly. But I once again digress, fer I be havin' a game o' lacrosse t'focus on, yar!
Eventually, we reach the end o' the fourth an' final period o' the game, an' the score is currently tied at 24-24. The Nimbis are currently in possession o' the ball, an' if the Nimbis successfully get it into the Shaydes' goal, the Nimbis be the winners o' this lacrosse game. The Nimbis' attackmen be deep in Shaydes' territory, they make the play with the ball an'...They be nailin' the shot! The ball goes into the Shaydes' goal, allowin' the Nimbis t'take home the win at 27-24! Queen Jaydes shakes her husband King Grambi's hand in a sportsmanlike manner, an' Luvbi be happy fer both parties while Nimbis and Shaydes alike congratulate each other on a game well done!
I wanted t'try an' interview Queen Jaydes 'bout the event's conclusion, but unfortunately she an' the Shaydes had t'take their quick leave from The Overthere due to Shaydes not bein' allowed in The Overthere outside o' the monthly lacrosse event. Yar, it be a shame, but I understand. Maybe next time I'll get lucky enough t'get an interview outta the losers again. But that be all the sports news fer this month, mateys! 'Til next time, I gotta go butter up King Grambi 'til I can go back to the world o' the livin'! Have a nice November, mateys!
DK Island Gazette
This article is sourced from the DK Island Gazette, a bimonthly report on Donkey Kong Island which The 'Shroom has obtained by way of exclusive agreement.
Kongtroversy Follows Record-Setting Performance
It was a thrilling weekend at famous speedrun track Riverside Race, where Dixie Kong and Kiddy Kong attempted to break Brash's long-standing world record of one minute and fifteen seconds. Starting off the attempt by avoiding the dreaded killer bees who have thwarted many an attempt, the Kongs made great use of Kiddy's amazing ability to skip over water while rolling, easily passing the first two water sections without having to slow down to swim. Kiddy Kong then bashed a Re-Koil, then, while they were in the air, Dixie used her hair twirling ability to float to the next water section, dropping in right before the tunnel the Kongs needed to swim through. The Kongs would repeat this strategy at the very next stage of the race, with Kiddy Kong defeating two Re-Koils, this time, before Dixie flew them into the water. From there, the Kongs avoided the red Koko, who famously ended Kuff 'n' Klout's run last year. On the next stage, after barreling through another set of Re-Koils and after flying over a small water pit, the Kongs decided not to use Dixie's power on the next water trap, predicting that using it would send them colliding into the the Red Buzzes that patrol the sky. The Kongs also decided to avoid the invincibility barrel, betting instead that their swimming abilities and teamwork would allow them to avoid the fearsome Kocos and save precious seconds. The Kongs then slipped past the last Re-Koils, swam with the speed of Enguarde through the final water section, and finally bounced off a trail of Squeaks before Dixie grabbed onto the Level Flag to end their run. When the official time was posted, the Kongs had shattered the record, finishing Riverside Race in one minute eight seconds.
It was a thrilling race, a triumph of skill and athletics, but the celebration was short-lived. After initially appearing to accept the Kongs' victory graciously, our sources tell us that Brash blew up at the Kongs, accusing them of cheating and vowing to appeal the results of the Kongs' run.
The bone of contention is that Brash completed the course by himself, whereas the Kongs completed it working together. Because of that, Brash feels that he should still be recognized as the sole record holder. We reached out to Brash, who had this to say:
As far as I'm concerned, my record still stands. I set that record by myself, entirely through my own efforts. Did I have help in training? Of course, as do all athletes, but, when it came down to the actual race, everything was my own doing. Hell, had I been teaming up with somebody I could have finished the course in under a minute! But I didn't, and you know why? Because it wouldn't be fair to the other competitors, to individuals poured their blood, sweat, and tears into the race, all competing for the ultimate world record. It just isn't right! For two years, I held that record! For two years, I was the champion, and now it's been taken from me! Because, for some reason, Dixie and Kiddy were allowed to complete the course together! It's not fair and it's not right. I have lobbied an official appeal to the Northern Kremisphere Athletic Conference asking them to either strike the Kongs' so-called "record" from their records or to, at the very least, place an asterisk on their record, with an addendum saying it was accomplished with two individuals and that my record remains the real one.
The Kongs, for their part, have completely rejected both Brash's arguments and his proposals, with Dixie and Kiddy putting out a statement through their representative Swanky Kong that reads as follows:
This is nothing but sour grapes from a proud-yet-arrogant competitor. Frankly, we're disappointed that Brash, whom the Kongs have nothing but respect for, would stoop to such low levels. While we understand his disappointment at having such a great record beaten, we feel that it's no excuse for his behavior. The facts are that there is no rule that prohibits duos from attempting the Riverside Race. In fact, throughout its history, there have been many duos that have attempted the race, such as Colonel Pluck and Stompybot 3000 and Kuff 'n' Klout, and at no point did Brash protest them entering. It would be a grievous mistake for the Northern Kremisphere Athletic Conference to do anything but reject this appeal. They must confirm Dixie and Kiddy as the world record holders.
As of now, the Northern Kremisphere Athletic Conference has remained mostly silent on this issue, only confirming that they have received the appeal and will be reviewing the matter as per their procedures. For more on this Kongtroversy, we turn to long-time contributors Hooded the Pitohui and Shoey the Goomba for their opinions on the matter.
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Welcome back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where a ghost pirate yoinks your soul as a recovery move! Except not anymore. Everyone who walked in with a soul walked out with one, and I'm pretty sure only a few of them got mixed up! That probably won't be too much of a problem. Either way, that was way too much effort getting everything sorted out, so we've officially banned that technique.
|"If that happens again I quit, man."
Uh, yeah. Anyway, we're doing something a little bit different today. It'll make more sense after I announce this first fighter, so let's get into it!
Starting things off today, we've got the Mindful Meditator, the Cure Keeper of Plack Beach, CHAKRON!
This Star Sage is so dedicated to his craft that he stayed frozen in a meditative pose for an entire millennium - that is until Mario and Luigi came along and spoiled the whole thing. But he's since taken on a new pose, and is going 13 years strong! Unmoving, unyielding! Not budging for anything, which makes you wonder how he takes care of the basic necessities of life. So that's where "something a little bit different" comes in! Rather than a traditional match where someone needs to knock out their opponent to win, the goal here is to knock Chakron out of his meditative state! That might be a tall order, but who knows, maybe lightning will strike twice.
And trying to take down Chakron is... the World-Invading Warlord, the Master of Machines, SMITHY!
Well, we had to pick someone who would have a fighting chance, right? Quite some time ago, this mechanical menace led his own army, the Smithy Gang, in an attempt to conquer our entire world and get rid of wishes forever! Like so many others, he ended up being humiliated by an Italian plumber instead. We're not letting him have his army though, because that would be cheating! And also I don't want to imagine how much repairs would cost if Exor came crashing down into the Smackdown building... Not to mention I'd rather not be known for kickstarting another series of events that endangered the entire world... He's still packing plenty of power on his own, though! Smithy is able to shapeshift and has multiple different heads with various specialties! Whether it's physical attacks, magic, defense, or inflicting unfortunate conditions, Smithy's got it covered.
Or he can just knock his opponent in the head with his sledgehammer. Not that I expect that to be useful here, mind you.
So, who wins? ...I don't know. Let's get into the ring and find out!
The match begins and the clock starts ticking down! Smithy wastes no time and switches to his Tank Head, and... he's firing a golden Bullet Bill from the turret! It's the dreaded Magnum special attack! Could this be the shortest match in Smackdown history?! Chakron makes no effort to move, and it's a direct impact!! But it does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! You can't just cheese Chakron! Nice try, Smithy. That seems to be the only trick he had with that head, as he's now switching to his Magic Head! Man, what a weird design. Looks like he's got an evil space emperor sitting on his head or something.
Smithy uses his first spell and causes a bunch of swords to rain from the sky towards Chakron! Doesn't look like he's getting any mileage out of that one, though. Switching things up, Smithy fires off a Meteor Swarm attack! Look at all those stars! Unfortunately for him, Chakron is still completely unfazed. Smithy takes some time to vent his frustration by pounding the floor with his mallet, a waste of time that I would not suggest pursuing considering that the clock is ticking down!
Smithy regains his composure and fires off another spell as time continues to slip away, dropping a cascading avalanche of rocks down on Chakron! All this quaking seems to be knocking him off-balance a bit, but he manages to stick with it! Smithy uses the Boulder spell again, but it doesn't seem like just using the same attack but more is having any better results. We're almost out of time here, folks! If Smithy can't pull out a last-minute trick, this is looking to be a win for Chakron! Smithy uses one last spell, summoning a giant... uh, is that a Ztar, or a suspiciously similar but unrelated concept? Who cares, it's a Ztar now. The giant Ztar bounces around Chakron, shaking the ring even more than before! Chakron's balance is off! Aaaand... he falls over, facefirst! Poor guy. Looks like he'll have to come up with a new pose, again. Smithy is the winner!
Thanks for tuning into the match to see what is currently a once every two decades event, judging by current trends! Or maybe it's just one of those "weird that it happened twice" things. Either way, it was a thing that happened. Our last match of the year is coming up, so if you have someone you'd like to see in the ring then send us your suggestions!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to have a chat with Chakron. I'm wondering if that "mind travel" thing would let me cut costs with cereal delivery...
In my continued attempts to actually expand my income streams beyond the money I get for this voluntary TV reviewing job (currently at 0), I’m proud to announce that I am writing my first novel! It’s about a TV reviewer who is constantly reviewing fictional television and grows disillusioned with his lack of pay. But it all turns out okay because then he writes a really great novel which everyone buys and he becomes the world’s most famous author and everyone loves him. It’s based on a true story, I hope! Anyway, keep an eye out for it in your local bookshops soon, and remember there’s 117 different endings so you’ll need to buy 117 copies at least to find them all. I’ve got a bit stuck on chapter three at the moment though, so to relieve my writer’s block, here’s another installment of TV Tomorrow!
New: The Rivals
A grungy, exaggerated version of their well-publicised rivalry over the last few decades, this exciting new series sees Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog playing hyperbolic versions of themselves locked in deadly battle. The show is a unique exploration of the competitive psyche, as both become mentally dominated by the spirit of competition, leaving the worlds they’re supposed to be saving to utter ruin. Wittily written with clever dialogue and amusing situations, this show is nonetheless a uniquely dark take on a famous rivalry; writing partners Luigi and Miles Prower are definitely ones to watch in the future.
Genre: Business competition show
Wario, CEO of WarioWare and (somehow) Mushroom Kingdom’s most successful businessman, is on the hunt once again for an entrepreneur to help him run his company. And so begins another series of Mushroom Business, as fourteen hopefuls complete a number of business-related tasks in pursuit of that top job. Today, the group splits into teams to try and sell shrooms to the general public. Early ones to watch might be Flutter, with their enthusiastic sales tactics; Goomba, with his self-sacrificial mushroom marketing strategy; and Waluigi, a close friend of Wario’s, meaning the competition is almost certainly fixed for him to win, just like all the previous series. For all its reality TV show elements, this is a surprisingly potent simulation of real-world business.
MKBC Kids, 8am
Genre: Preschool educational show
Okay, so it’s not exactly the televisual pinnacle, but kids have got to learn the alphabet at some point, and there’s really no better place than Alphabet World! Despite the slightly janky visuals, the show manages to be fun, engaging, and informational, especially with the help of Yoshi doing a brilliant hosting job. And you never know, even if you’re not under five years old, you might learn some things you never knew about the alphabet. The perfect morning viewing for young children and insomniac adults.
There’s November’s TV Tomorrow for you! Hope it has had an epiphanic effect on you. I know it’s awakened novelistic inspiration in me; I now plan on plagiarising most of The Rivals in my best-selling book, as well as parts of Mushroom Business and probably Alphabet World! too. That book should be out next month for the bargain price of a lot of money, as soon as I can find a publisher. Also next month, for the even bargainer price of nothing, will be a new edition of TV Tomorrow. Looks like December won’t just be the season of merriment, it’ll be the season of my reasonably priced prose. See you then!
You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.
Deep within the borders of Dark Land, in a decaying fortress sits Bowser's ever-loyal fist-swinging henchman Boom Boom alongside his partner Pom Pom, the two of them engaged in an intense session of what we know as "the video gamery". "HEY! You can't steal my star!" Boom Boom protests. "Sure I can, I have 50 coins," Pom Pom replies, sending Boo to do her virtual dirty work. "RAAAAAAAAAAGH!" In response to this unfortunate turn of events, Boom Boom snaps his Joy-Cons in half and hurls them through the TV screen. "You know, this is starting to become a problem," Pom Pom notes, looking towards a pile of the remains of various consoles and controllers, those which no doubt have fallen to similar tragic fates. Suddenly, the pile begins to rustle, as an all-too-familiar voice rings out. "Did someone say PROBLEM?"
That just plain weird cereal magnate Waluigi Time bursts out of the pile, scattering its contents along the floor. "Having trouble dealing with losing in video games, eh? Sure, you could just go to anger management therapy or something, but that's expensive!" "Wait, how long were you eavesdropping?" Pom Pom asks. "Er, eavesdropping? No, no, I was just... Waiting for a good business opportunity! Yeah, that's Businessology 101 right there! You're getting me off track. I have just the thing you need! On the cutting edge of science, Waluigi Time Cereal Inc. brings you the brand new Salty Cereal for Salty People!" Waluigi Time says, holding up a box of cereal.
"That's stupid! How is cereal going to help when she breaks the Smash Ball first?!" Boom Boom retorts. "With SCIENCE! Did you know that when you get angry, your body produces sodium and releases it into the bloodstream, hence the term 'salty'? That's why we've created the Salty Cereal for Salty People! It's the world's saltiest cereal, containing more than double the daily recommended amount of sodium in a single serving! By eating this cereal, the sodium is already in your system, so you don't get salty anymore!"*
* - Legal has advised us to put a disclaimer that there's a very small chance that a portion of this information could potentially be slightly inaccurate. We're sure it's fine, though.
"That's still stupid," Boom Boom says, unswayed by these very real and true facts. "Just try it, Bowser doesn't pay us enough to be able to afford replacing all these consoles," Pom Pom says, producing a bowl and spoon. "Well..." "That's the spirit!" Waluigi Time says with a beaming smile despite his customer's hesitation, handing over the box. Boom Boom swallows a spoonful as the others wait to see his reaction. "Tastes like salt." "Of course! We infused each piece of cereal with salt and then coated them in even more salt for good measure! Now to show the results!" Waluigi Time pulls a rope hanging from the ceiling, dropping an anvil on Boom Boom's foot. "OW! Why did you do that??" "Are you angry about it?" "...I guess not." "Look at that! A single spoonful works nearly instantly! Isn't science amazing?!"
"Wait, how long has that trapdoor been there?" Pom Pom asks. "Oh, well, I've been waiting a while to shill for this thing, you see, and I had a lot of time on my hands!" Waluigi Time replies, pulling a saw from his suit jacket and tossing it away into the broken dreams pile. "Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a big traffic jam on Moonview Highway, and that means lots of potential customers!" he says, leaving the fortress and stepping into a garish purple helicopter parked in their front yard. "The bill will be in the mail!" "HEY! You never said anything about a bill!" Pom Pom yells as the helicopter takes off. "You know, I don't even care. Want some cereal?" Boom Boom asks, prompting an annoyed expression from Pom Pom.
Waluigi Time Cereal's brand new Salty Cereal for Salty People! The product name writes its own tagline, I don't really have to say anything here.
"Wahaha! Eat this or else!"
|The 'Shroom: Issue 188
|Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Awards Director Election
|Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing