The 'Shroom:Issue L/Special Section IV
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Horoscopes
- Aries 3/21–4/19
- The sun shines favorably in your direction this month, unless of course you decided to wake up on the left side of your bed. If you did do so, I would avoid making eye contact with the gorilla next to your window.
- Leo 7/23–8/22
- The best things in life you have to wait for, unless of course you don't want to to be eaten by the lion that is waiting for you. If so, you might want to stop waiting, and start running....very fast.
- Sagittarius 11/22–12/21
- You have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you are gonna feel like you accomplished a lot this month. The bad news is, it's only a feeling. What you do this month will actually set you back two months. Good Luck.
- Taurus 4/20–5/20
- Life is full of lemons, and life has decided to give you some. Unfortunately for you, they will crush you. Fortunately, you can prevent this however by moving into space, where lemons cannot follow you.
- Virgo 8/23–9/22
- There is nothing more you could possibly want in life, except for that giant spider under your bed to just leave. (You know it's there!) Fortunately, this month you can get rid of it. All you have to do is get the even bigger spider hiding in your closet to go get it for you.
- Capricorn 12/22–1/19
- Sometime this month you will find yourself trapped with a crocodile with three ways to run. You will at first think that running down the straight path is a good idea, but crocodiles run much faster than you. Then you will think climbing the tree is a good idea, but crocodiles can climb trees. Then you will jump into the water to try and swim away. At that point you just weren't thinking anymore.
- Gemini 5/21–6/21
- You are the luckiest person on the planet this month. Unfortunately, getting this prediction just used up all of that luck.
- Libra 9/23–10/22
- Walk backwards all day and you will be fortunate, until you slam into a wall. Hop on one foot all day and you will be seen as a champion, until you fall down the stairs. On second thought, maybe you should just stay in bed today.
- Aquarius 1/20–2/18
- Nothing can stop you this month! You are the king of your own world! Unfortunately, the people are getting annoyed and will start a rebellion, if the army attacking your city doesn't get to you first.
- Cancer 6/22–7/22
- You have a chance to do what you always wanted to do! Wait....that's what you wanted to do? That is just inhumane, sick and twisted. Get out. No seriously, why would you want to do that?
- Scorpio 10/23–11/21
- You will be surrounded by so many people who care about you this month. Unfortunately, by people, I mean scorpions, and by care about you, I mean want to kill you. The good news is, if you like scorpions, you will have so much fun!
- Pisces 2/19–3/20
- You will find yourself trapped in a box and the only way out of the box is to find your true self. Just a hint, your true self has nothing to do with the device labled C4 in the box with you. Managing to find your true self will grant you your freedom and a new found happiness.
