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The 'Shroom:Issue LXIX/Critic Corner: Difference between revisions
The 'Shroom:Issue LXIX/Critic Corner (view source)
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The first problem was an inevitability with ''Assassin's Creed III'' continuing the same bloody storyline as the last four games, a story whose welcome has been so overstayed it needs a fucking escort to the nearest retirement home. Desmond and his cronies are now attempting to enter a magical door containing whatever it is that's supposed to sort out all of their problems, except they need a key to get past it – for fuck's sake, Ones Who Came Before, how many bloody artefacts do you want him to collect before you'll let him save the world? – forcing Desmond to ''yet again'' relive the memories of an ancestor. | The first problem was an inevitability with ''Assassin's Creed III'' continuing the same bloody storyline as the last four games, a story whose welcome has been so overstayed it needs a fucking escort to the nearest retirement home. Desmond and his cronies are now attempting to enter a magical door containing whatever it is that's supposed to sort out all of their problems, except they need a key to get past it – for fuck's sake, Ones Who Came Before, how many bloody artefacts do you want him to collect before you'll let him save the world? – forcing Desmond to ''yet again'' relive the memories of an ancestor. | ||
[[Image:ICannotTellACompellingNarative.jpg|thumb|left|388x192px|I don't come to ''Assassin's Creed'' to hear old people talk about delivering news and letters to people. I'm an assassin, not a carrier pigeon.]] | [[Image:ICannotTellACompellingNarative.jpg|thumb|left|388x192px|I don't come to ''Assassin's Creed'' to hear old people talk about delivering news and letters to people. I'm an assassin, not a carrier pigeon.]] | ||
This time he takes on the role of Haytham Kenway, a British Templar who comes out to the new world to fuck up some native shit except no you actually play as his illegitimate native son Connor after two hours of faffing about, who decides to take vengeance against the Templars for burning down his village, a plot point I might've cared about more if Connor wasn't such a bland tosser. His circuits seem to malfunction all the time in the heat of the moment, so he responds to every scenario with emotionless pleasantries or blistering fury at the slightest inconvenience, especially concerning his | This time he takes on the role of Haytham Kenway, a British Templar who comes out to the new world to fuck up some native shit except no you actually play as his illegitimate native son Connor after two hours of faffing about, who decides to take vengeance against the Templars for burning down his village, a plot point I might've cared about more if Connor wasn't such a bland tosser. His circuits seem to malfunction all the time in the heat of the moment, so he responds to every scenario with emotionless pleasantries or blistering fury at the slightest inconvenience, especially concerning his cu<!---->nt daddy and surrogate black daddy. Jesus Christ, mate, at least Ezio played a buggering lute after his family carked it. | ||
Actually most of the story-based stuff bored me to tears. OK yeah, it's properly researched, it avoids being jingoistic to appeal to the American dipshit demographic, the mistreatment of the natives is displayed fairly balanced on both factions of the conflict, blah blah blah, but none of that really matters to me if you're not doing something interesting with that research, namely carving my initials into unsuspecting bludger's spinal cords. The choice of setting probably didn't help matters much, since while heated anti-imperialist political conflict over who had the stupider hairstyles is intriguing enough in its own right, it doesn't really translate to sneaky rooftop-dwelling assassin very well, never mind the architecture just isn't as interesting as beautiful Venice or majestic Constantinople. | Actually most of the story-based stuff bored me to tears. OK yeah, it's properly researched, it avoids being jingoistic to appeal to the American dipshit demographic, the mistreatment of the natives is displayed fairly balanced on both factions of the conflict, blah blah blah, but none of that really matters to me if you're not doing something interesting with that research, namely carving my initials into unsuspecting bludger's spinal cords. The choice of setting probably didn't help matters much, since while heated anti-imperialist political conflict over who had the stupider hairstyles is intriguing enough in its own right, it doesn't really translate to sneaky rooftop-dwelling assassin very well, never mind the architecture just isn't as interesting as beautiful Venice or majestic Constantinople. | ||