The 'Shroom:Issue 168/Fake News
Director Notes
Do you like The 'Shroom? Do you like fictional, somewhat satirical news? Then this issue of Fake News if for you as we have ELEVEN total sections for you to chew on! This is the largest single issue of Fake News since Issue LXIX, back in 2012!
How did we accumulate this monster of an issue? Well, we have three new sections, in the form of Maximumriley (talk)'s Dear Cappy, my very own Dear Bowser, and the Mushroom Kingdom Tribune, a collaboration between Chester Alan Arthur (talk), more often known as Shoey, and Hooded Pitohui (talk), our director. Hooded Pitohui also pitched in News Flush as a guest section, so be sure to check that out as well.
That's not it for this month. We are running the forth 'Shroomfest, this time being a heated debate about if drinks should be heated. We also have a special written by Luigi 64DD (talk), and the photo contest is continuing. If you want to contribute to The 'Shroom, make sure to check the sign up page.
Section of the Month
Quizmelon (talk) won yet again with a nice 23 votes. Booguette's guest section found 18 votes, and Goombuigi (talk) manager to gain 17. Other users, such as Yoshi876 (talk), Ninja Squid (talk), Coffee, Waluigi Time (talk), and even Raregold (talk) managed to gather a nice 11, 8, 4, 4, and 2 votes respectively.It's fierce competition out there, so make sure to vote, vote, vote!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | TV Tomorrow | 23 | 26.44% | Quizmelon |
| 2nd | Homeowner's Hub | 18 | 20.69% | Booguette |
| 3rd | Monthly Inquisition | 17 | 19.54% | Goombuigi |
Look out for Big Changes made to the Mushroom Kingdom!
[read more]
Written by: Anonymous Avian
Local Warlord Corrupts City Institutions Through Bribery
In the course of the past month, a prominent citizen has inflicted the burgeoning city of New Wikisburg with a serious malady. There is considerable risk involved in exposing the corrupt bargains of a well-connected individual who has shown such flippant regard for the well-being of its citizens and institutions, but no injury that this fungus and his cronies can manifest is greater than the injury that will be done to this shining ember, in need of only tender nurturing to grow into a fire that will cast light to the world from atop a shining hill, should the people remain silent.
It has long been undisputed that this city is dominated by corrupt bargains and deals in smoke-filled backrooms, control predominantly traded between the People's Draq-o-cratic Party and the Front for Super Arrow in an overly-cozy truce. With the rise of the Silver Neelsen Union of Trades and Crafts three years ago, finally a glimmer of hope appeared, promising institutional reform. The collective action of the city's laboring class produced remarkable achievements, ousting long-time politicians after launching investigations into their actions and incomes. Would any mindful citizen forget Ninja Squid's discovery of illegal arm sales to Inkopolis? Have the people already lost sight of the significance of Superchao's installation as an independent auditor of the Mach Speed Committee on Public Safety?
An institution of such importance, one which is entrusted with the task of publishing, on regular occasion, a brief summary docket regarding those candidates put forward by the parties to this city's highest office, for the benefit of citizens who may be civically-minded despite lacking the leisure time needed for political engagement, must, an informed reader can accept almost as tautology, be subject to transparent public review. Under Superchao, this transparency has materialized. Comments and votes from all members of the voting public are display for all to see, are preserved for the convenience and satisfaction of external auditors. This level of transparency is commendable, but, one must conclude after surveying all that has recently transpired, insufficient to eliminate corruption in the city's public institutions.
That corruption has overtaken the system cannot be disputed by any citizen who has not locked themselves away behind their doors with the aim of shuttering their windows and ignoring all happenings beyond their four walls. Is it not evident in the record number of votes that this month's record reflects? Have not the prominent campaigns, led by self-designated town criers in the Profile Post Plaza, proven that something is amiss this month? A concerted effort has driven residents to vote this month, and, given the enormity of the Front for Super Arrow's lead over its competitors, there is no room to doubt that this effort has been backed by a political fixer with a corrupt agenda.
When all is a matter of the public record, where can corruption exist? The answer is simple. Corruption can exist in bribery. Chester Alan "Shoey" Arthur (known in illicit circles as "Boss Shoe"), political consultant, it must be made public, has engaged in a campaign of bribery, pressure, and acts most immoral and reprehensible in an effort to reconfigure the political landscape of the city by silencing the voice of the Silver Neelsen Union of Trades and Craft and outmaneuvering the People's Draq-o-cratic Party to cement the dominance of the Front for Super Arrow in local affairs. A network of sources throughout the city, known and unknown to the general public, can confirm that this political fixer has offered generous bribes in order to secure their vote, allowing his influence to slip into the public record undetected. Using financial resources acquired not, as Mr. Shoey has claimed, through political consulting services, but rather through foreign conquest and plunder, Mr. Shoey has joined the cereal magnate Waluigi Time in an effort to coerce the public to support only a single party's control over the Mach Speed Committee on Public Safety.
These reprehensible efforts only add to the growing list of accusations rightfully levied by the public against Mr. Shoey. His role as a kingmaker in this city's political scene can no longer go unignored, nor can the recent revelations regarding the source of his income. The call is put out to the citizens of this city. It is time to give the shoe the boot.
Cheepskipper
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water… it entirely is as the fish that's been menacing the beachgoers of World 3 has died. It is thought that the large fish accidentally beached itself while attempting to join in a game of beach volleyball. Some theories believe it just coincidentally washed up near the beach volleyball net, and that the harpoons sticking out of it might have something more to with its untimely demise.
There aren't many known harpooners in the Mushroom Kingdom, and I was informed that Harpooner Mario is not an idea yet thought of – my patent is pending – and would therefore be unavailable to comment.
Cheepskipper was known, and quickly forgotten, by some as a large fish you had helped Bowser Jr. after he kidnapped Princess Peach. The fish was not thanked for his loyalty, quickly being dispensed in favour of the Koopalings, who also failed in their attempts to defeat Mario, but were marginally better than a fish that jumped out of water.
Many people who lived in World 3 even forgot that the fish existed, with many telling me that they thought any attacks off the coast were down to a Sushi, Cheep-Chomp, or even a Spike Bass, despite the latter fish not living in that World.
Cheepskipper's funeral will be held at the local fish & chip shop, where he will be lightly grilled and served to mourners. Batter will be provided to those who want it, alongside salt and vinegar. A side of chips is also always handy.
The Wrecking Ball with Whomper Thwompite
March XX, XXXX Nightly Report
Hello, this is the Wrecking Ball, and I am your host Whomper Thwompite. We are bringing you this show live from Buenos Aires to report recent developments in developments near and far. Tonight’s show has some killer news!
Mushroom City has foreclosed on the old ‘Shroom HQ. If nobody takes ownership of the property in 30 days, it is set to be demolished. Either way, a statement coming directly from Princess Toadstool says they will enact Big Changes. Talk about ominous. An auction is set for three weekends from now to determine who will get the demolition contract. The construction bookies are betting on a small firm in Neo Bowser City run by a tall mustachioed rabbit in a suit. Who knew construction bookies were a thing? Not me. Some people just want to throw money at anything.
Speaking of throwing money at anything, Luigi’s Mansion is currently under development by the Realah T, Academy. Apparently, my old friend got into teaching after giving up her newspaper column. You’ll never find me doing that. Word on the street is that the renovations will be extensive as much of the mansion went up in flames several years ago due to an unknown party. At the very least, I am sure Realah T. got an explosive deal on it.
The Mushroom Kingdom Property Authority has also set auctions for Luigi’s other properties, including a hotel and a series of towers and manors. These events follow Luigi’s arrest by the Ministry of the Treasury. Apparently, he had been piping a lot of money into several fraudulent business fronts. If it was Luigi they arrested is hard to tell as the photos show a short-yellow figure with an oddly familiar mustache. I never knew you could go yellow with envy.
This month we have been sponsored by a mysterious cadre of Toadys who wish to remain unnamed. While it is odd, I am not a Shy Guy when it comes to accepting money, no matter the source. They were even nice enough to compliment my costume. Who knew that Buenos Aires had a Whomp population. Hopefully, the make-up artists can make it a bit nicer for next month. Well, folks, that is all we have for tonight. This has been Whomper Thwompite in the Wrecking Ball. Goodnight, Buenos Aires.
Mushroom Tribune
By: Chester Alan Arthur (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Title Match Mired in Controversy:
It was a shocking upset in last night's WVBA's World Heavyweight Championship match. Challenger Little Mac, after narrowly recovering from being knocked down by the champ Mr Dream's furious barrage of punches at the match's start, managed to knock the champ out with a tremendous Star KO uppercut to win the title. However, what should have been a spectacular championship victory for Little Mac has instead turned into a furious controversy because of an official complaint from Mr. Dream's camp alleging a slow count done by the special guest referee, noted celebrity Mario Mario.
When reached for comment Mr Dream had this to say:
It is inconceivable that an F-tier fighter like Little Mac can defeat me, the legendary Mr. Dream. Forty-five seconds into the fight I hit my patented knockout blow, and he hit the canvas. The fight was over; he wasn't getting up. But then Mario started counting and ten seconds felt like twenty-five seconds and next thing you know that puny shrimp is back up, catching me off guard with some lightweight uppercut costing me my title. it ain't right man. That fight was over. I'm still the champ
For his part, special guest referee Mario remains defiant against these accusations, saying “These allegations against it's-a me Mario, they are a-ridiculous. That was-a perfectly fine-a count. I have no-a doubt that the WVBA's investigation will completely clear me of-a all charges of impropriety and completely vindicate my-a count.”
For their part, the World Video Boxing Association has promised a prompt and thorough investigation into these charges, promising not to sanction any champion until their investigation is complete. Our readers may note this is not the first time Mario Mario has courted controversy in the ring. Many of our readers will remember Mario was the referee in Glass Joe's infamous victory over Nick Bruiser in what is now known as the No Blow Low Blow fight.
The allegations of a slow count against Mario Mario is merely the largest in a recent string of scandals that have tarnished the WVBA in the past year and a half. Will this be the breaking point, or will yet another scandal blow over in a week's time? Will the WVBA deflect the blame onto Mario Mario, who has been involved in his own share of scandals in recent months? To shed some light on these questions, we turn to two of our experienced reporters.
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First thing, we need to clear the air, right from the top. Mario Mario did nothing wrong here. Sure, the plumber is no saint. We all know he had his greedy gloves all over the blue coins in the Pianta Syndicate's Shine Sprite smuggling operation down on Isle Delfino. Throwing him under the bus, though? It's absurd. The WVBA needs to get its own house in order before it tries to shift the guilt. That organization has been - if you'll pardon the pun - on the ropes for nearly two years now. Match after match has been rigged, to the point you can't go more than two months without some significant controversy. Who could forget the match this past January, refereed by Soda “Vodka Drunkenski” Popinski? It's bad enough that they let this man into the ring as a fighter while he was clearly intoxicated, but it was inexcusable that, rather than being sanctioned, he was given more time in the spotlight, billed as a special referee! How does that work? How do you end up with an intoxicated referee watching a title match? I'll tell you how it works. It happens because an organization that's hemorrhaging money and viewers cares more about trying to generate buzz with celebrities and gimmicks than about making necessary internal reforms and disciplining its organization. You can't get a team of reputable referees when you don't have the money to pay for them! Look, the WVBA is crumbling. It needs a gutting, new management, new staff, a completely new approach. The reason it's falling apart is bigger than Mario, and no matter how many folks want to pin the blame on him, it'll never be his fault when this association collapses. |
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To me this fight represents a total failure in Mario Mario's alleged impartiality. I watched the fight, as many did, and I have to agree with Mr. Dream's accusation of a slow count. When Mr, Dream sent Little Mac to the mat, I, like many viewers, assumed the fight was over. So imagine my surprise and excitement when Little Mac rose before the count of ten and then won the title, knocking out a clearly confused Mr Dream. However, upon rewatching the fight I was stunned by how long the count was; it felt like at least seventeen seconds had passed before Little Mac barely managed to get to his feet. From the beginning many of us boxing fans had thought that Mario was a controversial choice due to his long held association with Little Mac from the last two Smash tournaments; many of us doubted he could stay objective and it appears that our worst fears have been realized. For us fans of boxing we can only hope that the WVBA conducts a swift and thorough investigation and either gives the title back to Mr. Dream if the count was found to be slow or at the very least schedules a rematch as soon as possible. It's imperative to the credibility of the WVBA championship that they get this right even it requires doing something unpopular. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Goombuigi: Hello everyone, and welcome to Monthly Inquisition! I had a … bit of a mishap last time, but luckily, I found a new place for our monthly interview! Unfortunately, I don't have too much of a live audience...
Goombuigi glances at the audience, the number of which he could count on two hands (that is, if he had hands).
Goombuigi: ... But, that doesn't mean that we can't carry on! Now, you're most likely wondering who our interviewee is! Well, since Super Mario Maker is infamously dying on March 31st (along with a bunch of other games), I figured that I would interview the game's friendly guide, Mary O., or as she's known in my area, Mashiko. Since the majority of the audience probably know her as Mary O., I'll refer to her as such during the interview. With that ramble out of the way, let's welcome Mary O.!
Mary O.: It's nice to be here, Goombuigi. How are you today?
Goombuigi: I'm doing quite well, and you?
Mary O.: I'm doing great myself!
Goombuigi: Nice to hear. Onto the first question: how did you end up in Super Mario Maker? Is there an interesting story to be told?
Mary O.: Not really. A person from Nintendo was looking for someone to be the guide for Super Mario Maker, so I auditioned, and I was accepted!
Goombuigi: Why did you audition in the first place?
Mary O.: I like making a lot, and in general, I'm a big fan of the Super Mario series. I thought that this opportunity would be a great deal for me because of that.
Goombuigi: What did you think about it when you were accepted?
Mary O.: I quite like it! It's very rewarding to give tips and see how others make use of them.
Goombuigi: Good to hear! About your audition, could you tell me more about it? What exactly did you do?
Mary O.: Oh, I just talked about what I knew about making levels and about Mario games in general, and the judges seemed to be impressed with that. But, at the end, they asked me to make my own level, and I found out that I'm not that great at executing my ideas! I was nervous about that, but they accepted me all the same.
Goombuigi: How many others auditioned for the position?
Mary O.: Probably 20 or so more people. That made me extra nervous! I was already a bit pressured, but seeing everyone else audition made it extra scary! Some of them definitely made better levels than me, I feel.
Goombuigi: Well, you got accepted anyway! Do you feel that you've improved in your level-making skills?
Mary O.: A bit, I suppose. But there's still a ton of better maker's out there.
Goombuigi: You try your best, and that's what counts! I'd like to ask, how did you feel about not being invited to Super Mario Maker 2?
Mary O.: I was a bit disappointed, for sure. But, I can see them wanting to give other people a shot. And besides, I still have a job in the original game.
Goombuigi: Speaking of which, how do you feel about Super Mario Maker basically shutting down on March 31st?
Mary O.: It's sad, for sure. But, I knew that the online would close eventually. Actually, you'll still be able to play online, and make levels. You just can't upload them. So at the end of the day, it isn't a huge restriction, but it's a bummer either way.
Goombuigi: Yeah, it is. But that's life, I suppose. Correct me if I'm wrong though, but you'll still be on the job, correct?
Mary O.: Yes, but not as often. I'll have more free time, which is a good trade-off.
Goombuigi: Have you met many friends through this job?
Mary O.: Yes, many, in fact. Of course, there's the people who I help out and give tips to, but there's also my co-workers - Yamamura, Undodog, Mr. Eraser, Soundfrog, and so on.
Goombuigi: I hope you don't mind if I ask - which one's your favorite out of them?
Mary O.: Obviously Yamamura, he's my pet after all.
Goombuigi: Oh yes, I forgot about that. How is he?
Mary O.: Very helpful. He's much more experienced at making levels, so he helps me a lot in that area. Without him, I'd probably never be able to improve my level-making skills at all!
Goombuigi: That's great to hear! How are the others?
Mary O.: They're quite good. Undodog can be a bit clumsy sometimes. Once he accidentally undid my house! Luckily, Yamamura helped me build it again. It looks a lot better now, though.
Goombuigi: That reminds me of the time he pressed the Reset Rocket button and erased Peach's castle.
Mary O.: I haven't heard about that! He must have been in a lot of trouble.
Goombuigi: Eh, he got away with it. He is an innocent cute dog, after all.
Mary O.: Yeah, that's true.
Goombuigi: Well, we've had a great chat, but I have one last question. Do you think you'd be hired for a potential future Super Mario Maker game?
Mary O.: Possibly, but I'm not sure. People seemed to like me a lot, but I wouldn't want to take the spotlight from someone who could be a better candidate than me.
Goombuigi: And would you want to be in a future game?
Mary O.: Maybe, but I'm content with what I've done so far. I've definitely learnt a lot from this job, but I don't need to be in another game.
Goombuigi: Well, that's all for today! I hope you enjoyed this interview, and if you did, be sure to return next month for another! Who will I interview? You'll have to wait and see! (Also, I don't know myself yet...)
Mary O. and the audience depart from the building, while Goombuigi stays behind. He sighs to himself, relieved that nothing went wrong this time.
Written by: Maximumriley (talk)
Father-Daughter Time
Dear Cappy,
I almost never get to see my father. I knew him as a child but then I was sent back in time about 100 years. In the current timeline, he doesn’t know I’m his daughter. I can’t tell him the truth because it would cause a time paradox. I’d really like to spend some quality time together. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Rosalina
Dear Rosalina,
First, find a mansion. Then lock yourself in it and act as though you’ve been kidnapped. I’m confident you can find a mansion given how many are being given away these days. There are plenty to choose from. Once you get a mansion and feign distress, I’m sure your father will show up. I bet he can just sense if you are in danger. He’ll either go to your mansion on his own or be sent there by a mad doctor. Either way, he’ll definitely rescue you. Then the healing can begin.
Best wishes,
Cappy
Why The Hate?
Dear Cappy,
My people have faced an endless assault at the hands of your enraged, Italian friend. If you know your history, you know that Mario started the fight. We don't know how to reason with him and after more than a decade of war, we long to end this battle.
You've been on Mario's head for a while. Why do you think that he hates Rabbits so much?
Sadly,
Topper
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Dear Topper,
I think it all began at the Battle of Green Hill in 2009. That's when my Italian friend first met Sonic and they took up arms together against Dr. Eggman and all of his minions. Motobugs, Neutrons, and Choppers were all around the battlefield.
It was a horror from the start. To destroy a single robot required eight consecutive smacks to the face. Mario and Sonic heroically destroyed them all, only to find tiny rabbits within the metal husk. I myself remember the Zero G Battle when the Broodals were destroyed, only to come back to life seconds later.
Mario never truly recovered mentally. To this day, the sight of anything remotely resembling a rabbit gives Mario flashbacks to that brutal time and he loses control.
Perhaps the best thing to do is just stay out of his way.
See you on the battlefield,
Cappy
Missing my Mansion
Dear Cappy,
I am the proud owner of two mansions. I rebuilt both of them myself.
Unfortunately, I seem to have lost one of them. As I was chopping the trees down in the Spooky Woods, the first mansion disappeared! I don't have the house but I still have to pay the mortgage!
Making matters worse, all of my money was in that house! What should I do?
Luigi
Dear Luigi,
My advice to you is to go on a coin-collecting spree through the second mansion. There's no way that you found all of the coins. There are so many secret rooms that Mario and I found while we were exploring. There are even some high-quality gems that you could probably sell for a lot of money.
Then head back to New Super Mario Bros. 2, World 2-1, where you can find a Gold Flower: it will turn anything you touch into a coin! Even things that didn't originally have coins inside of them will be turned into a coin. (You might have your morning coffee before you use it, otherwise, you'll be slurping a big old cup of coins.) If you can find any Gold Rings in that stage, touch them, too. That will make every enemy drop coins behind them.
I suppose the trouble is, you're still paying for something you don't have. I think you've got two options here.
1. Borrow Dr. E Gadd's time machine. Go back to just before you started rebuilding the house and run, far away, and don't come back. If you don't rebuild the house, you won't buy it, and then you won't owe the bank any money.
2. Go see Kamek. He can hypnotize people. Take him to the bank. Introduce him to the bank manager. You see where I'm going with this, right?
Best of luck,
Cappy
Dear Bowser
Wah ha ha ha! It’s me, you’re potentially benevolent overlord Bowser! In my conquest of the Mushroom Kingdom, many have asked me pressing questions, such as “Why do you have to do this?” and “Why are you digging up my garden just take this Banzai Blaster, please stop!”. I realized that there was a gap in your beloved soon-to-be-Bowser Kingdom media! With a swift bit of simple force towards those lovely folks at The 'Shroom, that changes today! Any questions will be answered by yours truly!
Doomhiker who? Never heard of such a fellow, even in my conquest of the 'Shroom. I’m sure he would make a great addition to my Koopa Troop, though. By the way, training for the Troop starts in Bowser’s Castle #172 at 8pm today! Don’t be late if you don’t want the flame!
Dear Bowser,
I hate working at Peach’s Castle. It seems like every other month that castle gets partially destroyed, or it gets invaded by aliens, or we get in an frenzy because Peach got kidnapped in a foreign country and our government is so incompetent that we haven’t put a system in place for this type of thing despite it happening dozens of times! I don’t want to know what would happen if, you know, she actually died. We literally rely on some random plumber who we only pay to do the sewers once a month to save her because I guess we just don’t have a police force.
So, I’m asking you if you’re hiring any Toads into your Koopa Troop. I know, I know, we’re often viewed as incompetent, but don’t you have an entire legion of troops who just waddle forward, as if that would help at all? I can at least hold a spear or shriek at Mario until he goes deaf. And yes, maybe you accidentally destroy the castle once in a while during some magical event, and yes, Mario visits a castle once every two weeks, but as you literally run dozens of different castles, it means that the chance of me being in the castle of the day is slim!
What, treason? I told you, the Mushroom Kingdom has little to no real police force. If anything, Mario will just think I’m one of those kidnapped Toads, and I’ll just pretend that his little Peach is in another castle, unless if she really is in the castle, in which case I’ll just pretend to have been hit by a Bullet Bill and knocked out for a couple of hours.
Sincerely, Toad #2634
Dear Toad #2634,
I’m glad to see that the Mushroom Kingdom’s defenses are so delightfully poor! It’s quite unfortunate whenever a party other than me gets the girl, though! However, you can rest assured, that when the Bowser Kingdom finally defeats Mario once and for all, that we’ll rule the Mushroom Kingdom, and I’ll be your wonderful dictator! You won’t see me being kidnapped! And don’t worry, the Koopa Troop acts as the perfect police force! Not that anyone in our kingdom is brave or competent enough to commit crime…
The Koopa Troop is always open to new recruits, by the way! Unlike many Mushroom Kingdom residents who crawl in fear at the mere sight of a Goomba, regardless of the many full towns filled with Goombas, we don’t discriminate! Koopa Troopa, Bob-Omb, or a Toad committing an act of treason, we’re always open! I pay troops to walk back and forth and to move through pipes, so I’m sure you can be a valuable asset!
As stated before, training for the Troop starts in Bowser’s Castle #172 at 8pm today! I’m sure you can get there by using some random Pipe in a forest, or something. Be there or be square!
Dear Bowser
I'm supposed to be the coolest due in town, bro! But whenever I go to check the news all I see is "Recent forest fires caused by Bowser, experts warn more are coming" and "Bowser rampages yet another town, Toads beg for government support". Nothing about ME! I just can't stand not being in the spotlight, man. How else am I supposed to get those hot chicks? My new movie, Toad Warrior 6: Electric Boogaloo just got a juicy new trailer, and you guess what was trending on Toadtter? Not #ZipToad, but #CancelBowser. I just got to ask you old man, how do you still stand in the spotlight even after 35 years of decay?
The should-be coolest dude in town, Zip Toad
Dear Zip Toad,
Who are you calling "old man"? I'll let you know that I still have spring in my step, just ask Kamek! I do note, though, that a narcissistic celebrity becoming jealous of my popularity was one of my childhood dreams!
As for retaining popularity, you really need to do something impactful. No one cares about the sixth Toad Warrior movie coming out. It's always the same deal, some Toad starts a street race, wins, faces a couple of criminals, rinse and repeat until the final race where he miraculously wins using some insane technic he just learned. Trust me, I know, because Bowser Jr. makes me watch through them all. Kamek thinks they're too "mature" and "violet" for his age, but I say he's a growing boy who needs this type of excitement! Anyways, a new release isn't something anyone cares about. But you know what they do care about? Their only monarch being forcible kidnapped, leaving them without a ruler! That'll make them weep and cry!
If you want to ask me a question, please ask here or send me a message! Just pretend to not be too scared, okay!
The Odyssey of a Squid
Written by: Ninja Squid (talk)
A VISIT TO ROGUEPORT
Day 3
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! I was WRONG! They were WRONG! Everything was WRONG!
My dear journal, please tell me what kind of idea it was to come in this wretched hovel! All that I managed to do was to take away all the sanity I had in myself. The pain, the sorrow, they are non-existent now. All I do is moving limbs without any sense and consistency. Perhaps it was predestined. It was a divine punishment! I should have known that Perch's power was too powerful for such a ridiculous piece of ink as myself!!
My dear journal, my day was a terrible nightmare come true. Wait, maybe am I not even awake! Would I be in some dream, or even a parallel timeline? Oh yes, the stars are shining upon this roof MWAHAHA!
Before I lose complete control and sink into my own chaos, let me tell you how awful this day have been. It all started with a horrible headache due to an inability to sleep. The sound of a droplet of water falling into a bucket continuously is now sealed with permanent ink in my skull. It is impossible not to hear it anymore. Trust me journal, I tried. Hear I thought that the sound of the bubbles from the Bloblobber was the worst thing in existence; I think I found a new challenger.
I tried to convince the manager of this rat hole to repair the roof, but it was all in vain. IN VAIN! According to the statements, it was too expansive. Holy Carp, how poor are they? No matter, I do not have the energy to delve on that, I already have the struggle of existence. All that is left is to dive into the madness. The madness of my own pain!
Now journal, please do not consider me as an annoying whiner just because I could not sleep well. No, I have other good reasons for thinking it was wrong of me to think that taking a vacation in Rogueport was a good idea (and please, don't get me started with why I thought this whole idea of going into an odyssey was a right thing to begin with). Well, earlier today, while visiting the whole place and taking selfies with some locals (yes, yes, I had their permission to photograph them), I got hit by a strange individual wearing a mask, but the guy was kind enough to apologize, so I didn't make a big deal out of it (BIG mistake!). I was already annoyed by not sleeping well at this rat hole of an inn that I was not going to snap over every pointless things in existence (which I probably should from now on).
Let me tell you journal of how of a fool I end up making of myself. I was starting to get a bit more cheerful, thinking that there was more good stuff here in Rogueport than there was bad, but this was clearly not the case, or unless I am on some kind of unlucky day. This individual my dear journal, stole all of my money I needed for my trip. Now, fret not, the handy things with us Inklings are our ability to Super Jump from places to places. Therefore, in theory, I could easily go back to the 'Shroom's HQ in under a minute from this place. Although, do you seriously think I will let this little jerk do this offence without some sort of retribution? This is not my style, after all!
The most insulting of all that is having me, going on with my day, and believing that I still had a wallet with me. The fact that to buy some souvenirs, that I went to Toad Bros. Bazaar, and then arrive at the time to pay, realizing that… ugh… this was sooooo embarrassing! Although, now that I lost my wallet, I will not have to go through another night at the inn, but I have some precious stuff in there, and… my 'Shroom Staff ID as well, which is not a very good idea to let this into a bandit's hand. Therefore, I decided that I would enact my revenge on him, and all those freaking fools that will stand in my way! I will spend the entire night exploring this place, and all the nooks and crannies if I need my wallet and my money back, even if I had to miss another night’s sleep to get it back! I decided to look around the plaza, and I did not found anything suspect. Although, I was more confident after threatening speaking to some folks around the plaza. I was told that bandits wandered more often in the eastern district of Rogueport. Upon hearing that, I charged my way in the eastern district, and the more I searched, the more my anger intensified. That is when a guy with a spear did not wanted to let me pass until I paid a toll of 10 coins. Seriously, journal, this was more than enough to piss me off. He was definitely trying to taunt me. Argh! Writing those lines made me reminder how irritating this whole situation was. Do not worry journal, I made him swallow his words in a very short time. I will spare the details since thinking about it, I may have gone a bit overboard with him, but in any case, we will probably not see him again for a good amount of time.
After finishing my business with the guy, I could continue looking around in the farther portion of the eastern district of Rogueport. That is when I found something very interesting. My wallet? No, but still this was still interesting. It was a Trouble Center. Yeah, apparently, it is a place where folks of Rogueport could post some troubles they have and seeking help for them. So, huh, you know what I did, right, journal? That's right! I post that I was looking for a precious artefact that was stole from filthy bandits. Of course, I would not tell that I was looking one for something as stupid as a wallet. After all, you actually catch more flies with honey than vinegar. In the meantime, that I find someone helpful, I am resting in some kind of hideout behind a wall just next to a house here, and closely looking for suspicious individual, and well, I chose to write those lines. You know, this exercise is quite fun, and helps me relax a bit. Maybe I should do so more often.
In any case, journal, I feel so sleepy, but my eagerness at finding that thief will keep me going forward. Although, after all that, I might be out for a few days.
Let us end this here for the moment. Stay fresh!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome back everyone to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where I try to say something witty in the introduction but couldn't come up with anything today! I'm your host, Waluigi Time, once again bringing you some of the finest combatants from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond. After last month's match, we decided to turn to our viewers for suggestions on who should get into the ring next. We received a lot of good suggestions, but ultimately only two fighters were able to make the final cut. Did your suggestion make it in? Did you even suggest anyone at all? I don't know! Maybe.
Give it up for our first contestant... SPIKY PARABUZZY!
If you're looking for a tough and resilient foe, especially when stopping certain Italian plumbers in their tracks are concerned, you can't do much better than the Spiky Parabuzzy. Mario loves stomping on everything that gets in his way, but a nasty spike like that would just leave him with a very sore foot while our Parabuzzy friend here would be no worse for wear. When dealing with an enemy like this, Mario would typically turn to one of the other abilities in his arsenal, such as his trusty hammer or iconic fireballs. But what do you do when that spiked enemy is completely out of hammer range thanks to its ability of flight, and its hard, fire-resistant shell completely protects it from any fireballs that might come its way? With poor preparation, there's not much that can be done in combat against a Spiky Parabuzzy besides fleeing in terror! Clearly it's going to take a contestant packing some serious tricks up their sleeves to take this tenacious Koopa down.
And I still haven't even mentioned the Spiky Parabuzzy's offensive capabilities! The good old Buzzy Beetle technique of ramming into their opponent inside their shell at a high speed is of course still present among the Spiky Parabuzzy's moveset. What really sets it apart from its brethren though is, of course, its spike and wings. This lets it attack you from the air, coming at you while you're completely powerless to do anything since it's out of attacking range! And I don't think I need to say much about that spike other than "ouch". Normally I don't ramble on about our contestants for this long, but there's so much to say about Spiky Parabuzzy that makes it a perfect contender.
Does our other contender have what it takes to defeat this tough foe? Well, I've been told that they come to us from another league where they're completely undefeated, though I wasn't able to independently verify that. I do hear they had an unfortunate encounter with Mario and Yoshi a while back, though. Anyway, please welcome... OCTOPOT!
Now I know what you're thinking. "That's just a ceramic jar with eyes!" That's where you're wrong! It's a ceramic jar with eyes that also contains a seemingly unlimited amount of octopi that do its bidding! Sounds like an easy way to solve world hunger, if you ask me. Oh, and in case you were wondering, yes, spawning endless reinforcements is allowed in this tournament. If you don't like it, feel free to send in a written complaint, we have a very efficient mountain goat in our complaints department who processes all submissions. With that tangent out of the way, normally I'd say "anyway, back to Octopot", but that's pretty much all there is to them.
So, who has the upper hand here? Nobody, neither of these contestants actually have hands. As for my prediction of the winner, despite how much I gushed over Spiky Parabuzzy earlier, this could go either way. Octopot seems to be a juggernaut in physical combat, and its endless octopi could overwhelm Spiky Parabuzzy very quickly if they're not careful. That being said, Spiky Parabuzzy is quite the force to be reckoned with both offensively and defensively. I think I'll have to be on Team Parabuzzy today, but let's get into the ring and find out!
Spiky Parabuzzy is going on the offense right out of the gate, dive-bombing straight towards Octopot! Octopot's not going down without a fight though, and sends in some octopi to intercept the attack! Spiky Parabuzzy barrels into an unfortunate octopus, disrupting their trajectory and keeping Octopot out of harm's way for now. We're making Smackdown history here, this is the first time we've had both challengers still standing after a single attack, let alone two!
Now Octopot is sending out another set of its octopi minions toward the disoriented Parabuzzy! Does this spell victory for Octopot? Looks like one of the octopi is trying to grab Parabuzzy, but it's stopped in its tracks by that spike! Octopot continues to spawn even more octopi, though their effectiveness against Parabuzzy is in serious doubt at this point... Parabuzzy launches another attack of their own, ducking into their shell and sliding across the floor! Can Octopot counter in time? Survey says... NO! Octopot literally falls to pieces, and Spiky Parabuzzy is the winner!
Looks like we're going to need a medic for this one. Kameron? Get out here and bring a tube of Kremling Krazy Glue.
Well, that's all from us here at Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown. I hope you all enjoyed the match. If you have an idea for who you want to see in the ring next month, please feel free to leave us your suggestion, we'd love to hear it!
Now, what are we supposed to do with all these octopi floating around? Anyone up for calamari?
![[picture of a frog with a tie and umbrella] - Door to Door Salesman - "Howdy, I'm with the Fake News Wares Warehouse. Could I interest you in a- No? You sure? Alright."](/File:PeddlerPlace168.png)
Before this month’s TV Tomorrow, I’d like to address the recent cease-and-desist letter I received from a Mr Thaddeus Vitellius Tomorrow, CEO of the Tomorrow Corporation and the Managing Director of the other World Bank. Commonly known by his first two initials and surname only, Mr Tomorrow has demanded that I immediately stop using his name for my ‘Marios and magic mushrooms and whatever’, as it ‘tarnishes his powerful image’. Thankfully, I will be neither ceasing nor desisting, and have arranged an imminent contract kill on him. Let’s get on with this month’s top three television treats!
New: Gold
MKBC1, 9.30pm
Genre: Sci-fi drama
Conceived, written, directed, produced, and sound-mixed by Mario, who also plays a dual role in the series, Gold is a strangely compelling new sci-fi series about an evil professor (played by Wario) who builds a malevolent clone of Mario (playing himself) made entirely from gold (played by Mario covered in gold paint). In the first of these six hour-long episodes, we witness the creation of Gold Mario (as he is uncreatively named) and his first attempts at wreaking havoc in his hi-tech golden car, while Mario (still playing himself) attempts to stop him. A strong contender to win the MKTV Award for Best Sound Mixing.
Visions of the City with Painter Mario
MKBC2, 7pm
Genre: Art documentary
Painter Mario, the artist alter ego of Mario (playing himself), is well-known for hosting documentaries about the old classical art of Mushroom Kingdom, the sort that hangs in refined galleries and museums. However, this new documentary is designed to highlight a different, more modern side of art; the graffiti and murals that line New Donk City and other unspecified major metropolitan areas. With interviews from street artists and a wide range of subgenres, it’s unlike any previous MKBC2 art documentary before it - though it should be noted Painter Mario is not good at hiding his true snobbishness, which creates a slightly awkward atmosphere.
Mushroom Kingdom Golf Tour 2021
MKBC Sports, all day
Genre: Golf
In the sports world, tomorrow belongs to golf, as the Mushroom Kingdom Golf Tour 2021 kicks off. Expected to take the crown this year is Mario (really? again?) but a number of challengers are ready to par, birdie, and albatross their way to victory, such as Rosalina, or King Bob-omb. That’s all I have to say, really, because let’s be honest, all golf (except for crazy golf) is dull beyond belief. I mean, there’s no jeopardy or action at all. But there’s nothing else good on the rest of the day. Just put this on in the background while you do the vacuuming or something.
And with perfect timing, I have just received a notification on my phone telling me that Mr Tomorrow has accidentally fallen through the window of the 38th floor of the Tomorrow Corporation Headquarters in Shanghai. Whoops. Guess I didn’t need to hire an assassin then. (I hope he won’t expect me to pay him.) Thankfully Mr Tomorrow’s successor is a Mrs Clytemnestra Demeter Projekt, so at least it won’t be me receiving the cease-and-desists any more. Anyway, on that positive note, I’ll see you in April for more TV Tomorrow!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 168 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • 'Shroomfest |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Super Mario 3D World + Bowser's Fury Photo Contest • 64 Wars: A Battle for Sales |
