Editing MarioWiki:Featured articles/N2/Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door

__NOTOC__
===[[{{#titleparts:{{PAGENAME}}||3}}]]===
{{FANOMFAIL
|nominated=10:27, 28 November 2012 (EST)
|lastedit=15:27, 27 January 2013
|nosupport=true
}}

==== Support ====
#{{User|Megadardery}} This Article is very clean and very good
#{{user|New Super Yoshi}}
#{{User|Super Candy}} 
#{{User|Kelton2}} 
#{{User|Electrical Bowser jr.}} 
#{{User|SmartYoshi}}
#{{User|SmashFan}}
#{{User|SombreroGuy}}
#{{User|Daisyluva99}}
#{{User|CoolJosh2002}}
#{{User|Shroobtimetraveller}}
#{{User|Ilikescrews}}
#{{User|Freakworld}}

==== Oppose ====
#{{User|BabyLuigiOnFire}} The story section is written badly. It should use a rewrite. For example, it calls  Excess Express the "beautiful train". That's a serious no-no, plus a hint of bias.
#{{User|Glowsquid}} - Per BLOF; said plot summary is overly long and falls into most of the pitfalls described in [[Mariowiki:Good Writing]].
#{{User|Bop1996}} Per all.

==== Removal of Opposes ====
#{{User|Megadardery}}  Again... I think it's good now and it does deserve Featured states

==== Comments ====
*{{User|Megadardery}} First of all: the fifth support was on [http://www.mariowiki.com/index.php?title=MarioWiki:Featured_Articles/N/Paper_Mario:_The_Thousand-Year_Door&diff=1361989&oldid=1361694 17:10, December 1, 2012]. and that was before the first Oppose [http://www.mariowiki.com/index.php?title=MarioWiki:Featured_Articles/N/Paper_Mario:_The_Thousand-Year_Door&diff=1362161&oldid=1362158 22:45, December 1, 2012‎]. and other than that: I've fixed what BabyLuigiOnFire said.

"First of all: the fifth support was on [http://www.mariowiki.com/index.php?title=MarioWiki:Featured_Articles/N/Paper_Mario:_The_Thousand-Year_Door&diff=1361989&oldid=1361694 17:10, December 1, 2012]. and that was before the first Oppose". That's completely irrelevant, if there are any good-faith oppose, the article can't be featured. Automatically featuring anything that gets 5 supports would make for an hilariously broken system, lol.

The plot summary as it is now, is way too long. It shouldn't be chapter-by-chapter and it certainly shouldn't be 5.000~-words long. The chapter-by-chapter summaries are nowhere near as bad as some of the [http://www.mariowiki.com/MarioWiki:BJAODN/Luigi%27s_Mansion#Luigi.27s_Mansion horrors] the wiki had in the past, but it's still full of poor, flowerly writing ("and the heroes are off once again. " beurk) and is unecessarily verbose in spots. For example, this part of the Prologue section

<blockquote>The adventure begins when Princess Peach goes on a cruise with her steward, Toadsworth. The two arrive in Rogueport, the home of rogues and thieves. Peach slips away from Toadsworth and meets a hooded woman, who persuades her to buy something. After a moment of thinking, Peach sees a box which she describes "pretty". The hooded woman says it is a box with a map to a legendary treasure. She claims that the chest can be opened only by "one with a pure heart" and explains that a person such as herself cannot open the chest. She states that if Peach can open it, she can have whatever is inside. The Princess eagerly opens the box and discovers that it contains a Magical Map. She decides to send it to Mario, knowing the plumber would be able to help her find it.</blockquote>

could easily be shortened to two or three instances without losing any plot-relevant informations, this also applies to most of the rest. In that respect, your edits don't improve that problem and infact makes thing marginally worse.

However, I do think there'd be some merit to having a separate page (which admitelly, might contradict what [[MarioWiki:Subpages Policy]] says about pages being "not just as an extension of an existing page " - but this can be talked about later) for a reasonably well-written chapter-by-chapter summary, as the chapters in the Paper Mario series are essentialy self-contained stories in themselves. This'd leave the main TTYD page with an actual plot ''summary'', and then I might get behind this nomination- but with the plot summary as it is right now, yeah no. ----{{User|Glowsquid}} 12:43, 2 December 2012 (EST)
*{{User|Megadardery}} Is this better? I'v been working on it for 3 days..

It is noticeably and largely better (good job!), but be sure to not edit out context while trimming the fat. Taking the Chapter 3 summary as an example:

<blockquote>The [[Gold Star|third Crystal Star]] appears on a [[Glitz Pit|large arena]] in a [[Glitzville|floating town]]. To reach [[Glitzville]], Mario and the gang must visit [[Don Pianta]]. He offers them the ticket they need after doing him a favor. Once Mario and his team arrive in Glitzville, they enter the Glitz Pit and spot the Crystal Star on the [[Champ's Belt]], held by [[Rawk Hawk]], the current champion. Then they sign up as a fighting team Mario and co. battle through the ranks and eventually gain a [[Yoshi (Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door)|newborn Yoshi]] as a partner, but soon, a mysterious figure known only as "X" sends cryptic e-mails to Mario. The e-mails reveal that the Star on the belt is a fake and the real Crystal Star is '''being used by Grubba'''. Mario & co. spot him and chase him into the arena, where he transforms into [[Macho Grubba]]. However, the group defeat him. '''Jolene reveals herself as the mysterious X, and explains her story''' and Jolene gives the star it to Mario.</blockquote>

The bolded parts might be confusing to someone who's not familliar with the game - who are Grubba and Jolene, and what's the later motivation for doing what she did? Ideally, a plot summary should give a (rough) understanding of who/what the named characters are and what their motivation is. In this case, context can be added by precising that Grubba is the current manager of the Glitz Pit, that Jolene is an employee and that she explained she's totally looking for her dissapeared bro and stuff.

or to take a non-characterization example from something I corrected yesterday:

<blockquote>To reach the Moon, Mario and his companions travel to [[Fahr Outpost]],  and use a [[Giant Cannon|cannon]] to shoot to the Moon. '''After searching for [[Goldbob]] and [[General White]]''', Mario & co. enter the cannon and are shot to the Moon.</blockquote>

Why does Mario seek those two bums?

I scanned the rest of the article and it doesn't look bad at all, though I'll let others evaluate it more indepth. --[[User:Glowsquid|Glowsquid]] ([[User talk:Glowsquid|talk]]) 12:38, 4 December 2012 (EST)
:Yeah it looks much better, but I haven't read it in depth yet. {{User|BabyLuigiOnFire}}

Looking through, I see a few other areas that could use touching up. Right off the bat, I noticed that the first reference to Koops doesn't feature a link to his page. The passage on the 3 days of excess could use some work too, one sentence looks like it was split into two without the second ever receiving a beginning, instead starting with some extra space and a comma. That paragraph also includes a run-on sentence, excessive use of "and", and a few others. It needs some proofreading. --[[User:Swagner|Swagner]] January 1 2013