The 'Shroom:Issue 64/Project Travel Guide x15
Project Travel Guide x15
by The 'Shroom Core StaffLife got you down?
Did your princess get kidnapped again?
Don't you think it's about time you gave yourself a vacation? Well look no further!
Good day, friends! It is I, the ever so ravishing King Bob-omb, and have I got a deal for you! For only 600 coins, you can enjoy a five night stay at the luxurious Bob-omb Battlefield. Still not convinced that Bob-omb Battlefield is the place for you? Then let me tell you about some of our find attractions and sights.
Bob-omb Battlefield is a historic place, and one that is dear to me. This was where the 1995 Battle of Kings took place, where King Bob-omb and his Bob-omb fleet and the Red King Bob-omb and his army of red demons and Koopa Troopas fought for control of this sacred land. Many remember this as one of the most explosive battles in history. In the end, the mighty King Bob-omb obliterated the Red King and exiled the Koopa Troopas to a sandy wasteland. Before I bore you, let' discuss the rooms and fun attractions that can be found here and ONLY here.
Our rooms may not be the greatest, but you're guaranteed to get the best damn view every time…for the right price! Heck, you can even rent out the floating island if you want to. The weather here is also perfect for pretty much anything. Never again will you have to worry about sweltering heat or frostbitten appendages. Volcanoes and snowy places are for chumps anyways. Don't even get me started on water worlds.
As you may know, this place was a battleground. Although many years may have passed, most of the cannons are still in working condition. Who said cannons can only be used for warfare? Not me, for the local Bob-ombs have fixed the cannons to allow us to utilize them as our main means of transportation. No more will you have to worry about getting blisters from walking. Reduce travel time from 10 minutes to mere seconds. And with not one, not two, but FIVE cannons and above average condition, you can pretty much visit the place in a few minutes! These cannons are guaranteed to almost always get you from point A to point B…most of the time…
Is the adventurer in you bottled up? Why don't you relieve yourself of them and take a nice hike and jog around the mountain? Lose a few pounds and dodge a few obstacles until you reach the top and get a breathtaking view from the top of the mountain…or you could just use the cannons to get there. Whatever the choice is, the view will always be more breathtaking than the last.
Your kids are sure to be ecstatic when you tell them about the local petting zoo! That's right, a petting zoo! You can get up close with the many tamed Goombas roaming the area. Try not to pet them too hard though, they get squished very easily. If Goombas aren't your thing, why not have fun with the last captive Koopa Troopa. But that isn't even our most impressive animal here. Chompers the Chain Chomp is sure to get your kids riled up. Make sure not to bring food or water near him though, I don't want another accident…
…Ah, I'm just joking. But seriously, no food or water is allowed in the vicinity of the petting zoo.
Speaking of food, why not drop by King Bob-omb's Burger Joint once you've finished sightseeing. Our food is made with 100% real Goomba meat. If burgers aren't your thing, there's always The King's Buffet, and Waluigi's Taco Stand for those of you brave enough to venture there. Mustachioed ladies and gentlemen get a 50% discount.
At the end of the day, join me and my staff as we watch the fireworks show performed by the local villagers. Not romantic enough for you lovebirds? Then why not dine outdoors as my fellow Bob-ombs cater to your hunger pangs with only the finest and most gourmet foods in this world. Free of charge, of course, for those that rent the Floating Island.
One more thing: No one, and I mean, NO ONE, mustachioed or not, is allowed to go beyond the metal gate. We are constructing a poolside resort complete with the largest water slide in this here town and we don't want anyone snooping around. If you are caught doing so, you and your family will be forcibly removed from the area and sent back home…via cannons. Either that or you run the risk of being crushed by the giant iron spheres.
We hope to see you soon. I will guarantee that your stay will be a blast.
-Respectfully yours,
What is your ideal vacation? Is it...a trip to the beach? Somewhere in the countryside? A bomb-ravaged battlefield? Of course not, what you really want is a huge, floating fortress!
I'm MrConcreteDonkey, and I'm the best darn travel agent in this project, and I think you should come to Whomp's Fortress. You'll have a better vacation than Gamefreak, who has to be lucky to come back in one piece. And who better to tell you about this magnificent vacation spot than its very own King Whomp!
this stupid mask is falling off aga- i mean, uh...
Hey! I'm the Whomp King! Why don't you wimps come visit my magnificent fortess?
We have a wide variety of things to do! Like...getting flattened by a Thwomp! Ahaha! Or getting flattened by a Whomp! Hahaha! Or getting flattened by me, for twice the price! Hahahaha! The fun never stops at Whomp's Fortress!
We have some great places you can stay! Unfortunately, we forgot to add doors to the fortress itself, but I'm sure you don't mind sleeping outside. Maybe if I'm feeling nice enough, I'll let you sleep under me! You'll get on great with the locals. The Goombas won't want to stay away from you! Those Piranha Plants are a bit snappy, but they'll grow on you...(N.B.: if they literally grow on you, seek immediate medical attention)
Our swimming pool, while lacking a deep end, attracts many visitors, all year. (N.B.: if you come in contact with the water from the swimming pool, seek immediate medical attention). Or maybe you'd like to travel around the fortress to see the sights? Our main attractions include:
- Joe the Whomp - He's our best employee!
- Moe the Thwomp - He's our best employee! - uh wait
You'll never run out of things to eat! Unfortunately, we have no way of storing, heating or cleaning food, but we still have such delicious foods as:
- Rock candy - In fact, forget the candy part. It's just rock.
- Brick pie - You can forget that pie part too. Oh, and keep your hands off my bricks!
- Squashed Goomba - He's our best employee!
And when you're done with us, why not buy a souvenir, so you can share that crushing feeling you experienced here with a friend? Our gift shop sells...well, actually, we don't have a gift shop, but why not pick up any chips you find lying around? They cost 90 Coins.
now it's not coming off...
Thanks, King Whomp! Well, I hope you're convinced that Whomp's Fortress is the place for you! Enjoy the next level, but remember that it will NEVER be as good as Whomp's Fortress.
"*snort* *snoooooort* *snnooooooooooooorrrrttttt*-huh? What? Tour guide? Huh? No, no, I think you're mistaken. I only do tours between 10 and 2."
Your travel guy glances at his watch and notices that it's noon. "Oh! What! Ack! We're three hours late! Now I only have two hours to do the tour! Guess we're going to have to make this one a rushed tour!"
He rushes off, leaving you in the dust.
When you catch up with him, he is in a bathing suit and goggles, standing on the edge of the water. "Well folks, here we go!" He shouts as he jumps into the water.
As you swim along, he gives you introductions. "Hello everybody! This is the Molly Roger...no that's not it... that Dolly Podger? No, wait, the Jolly Roger Bay tour! I am your host...yeah, so, anyways, this bay is infested with deadly Unagis. But don't worry, our company has specialized equipment meant for deterring any Unagi attacks which would keep you completely safe...buuut since we were hard-pressed on time, I left that back in the base camp. Now let's take a closer look!
A few terrifying near-death experiences later and you are following him into a sunken pirate ship. Your guide turns around, the duct tape holding his torn suit together floating around his body, looking like seaweed. "Don't worry guys, there's no chance of drowning, the chests in here have air bubbles in them." You swim into the ship and he goes on his speech "-and the algae all over the walls indicates that the ship has been here over five hundred years. We do not know why the ship sunk, though we do know that the cause was this gigantic hole in the hull, which may have something to do with the gigantic cannon in the middle of the lake. But we'll check that out later! So-". It is at this point when he realizes that he is out of air, and that the chests were left open by the last tour guide. Probably him, knowing his track record.
After a few minutes of CPR, he is leading you through an underwater passageway into a secret cave. "This is Ocean Cave. Dug out by pirates, it is where they stored their great treasure. Don't worry, it's completely saaaa-", he says as he is nearly crushed by a falling rock. You slowly creep after him. "-fe. As I was saying, this cave is filled with treasure, but you need to know the right order in which to open them. Like....so."
Your tour then comes to a shocking conclusion. Of course, your sponsors would be nuts to let you leave without a message! Visit the Jolly Roger Bay, it's completely ssaaaaaaaa-"
Are you the kind of person that likes when the crisp, snowflake-dashed air delicately stings your face as it brushes past you? Have you ever wanted the chance to play with snowmen, and perhaps even dream of constructing one? Or how about being able to jump down chimneys like everybody's beloved Santa Claus? What if you were told that all of this, and much more, can be experienced all at once at one extremely special location? Cool, Cool Mountain is beckoning for you to come visit: this year-round winter wonderland is designed to accommodate all people who just want to have fun with the snowmen and the penguins and creatures that you might not have even known existed!
Transportation
One of the first questions that many have posed to the traveling agency is "how exactly does one ascend or descend this mountain?" There are a variety of modes of transportation that have been installed throughout Cool, Cool Mountain to give the visitors the control that they deserve over how they move around the expansive icy paradise. For those who like the traditional method, the slopes of the mountain have been partially surrounded by fence in order to make the trip down and up a little safer. If you still want the excitement of sliding down the mountain, yet would also like to see the interior of the mountain, then there is a slide that goes through the entire base of the mountain (the entrance to which is located at the lodge at the top of the mountain). Bridges have been added for those who would like to have an easier trip over huge gaps that would otherwise be present. A ski lift allows for transportation from the lowest part of the base of the mountain to the highest point of the base. Donations and entrance fees have made it possible to fund research for teleportation, so if you would to get from the top to the bottom (or vice versa) in mere seconds, that would also be an easy way to do so. Finally, there are several cannons that are stationed throughout the mountain, so if you are a daredevil, then this is the perfect mode of transportation for you! In order to appreciate entirety of the magnificence that is Cool, Cool Mountain, though, it is suggested that one makes use of all of these methods. *
Activities
As Cool, Cool Mountain has many slopes and slides, many visitors enjoy hopping on a sled and running it down to the base. Alternatively, you can go ahead without a sled and slip away! As there are many penguins in the area, sometimes they like to race on the slide that is located in the lodge (which can always be fun!). ** There is also a Headless Snowman that... loses his head often. Rolling snowballs down the side of the mountain is a fun way to reconstruct his head to give back to him! He also gives out rewards to those that help him, so you could be lucky! *** Playing with snowmen that throw snowballs at you is also a thing, as is playing with the little penguins that wander around. There is also an area set aside for wall kicking to the top of a maze, just for fun.
Overall, there are a lot of activities that one can do in this wonderful snowy land, and sometimes you can even make money from doing them.
| Nothing to see here, just some technical stuff... | |
|---|---|
| * – As required by Mushroom Kingdom law, we are required to inform you that these modes of transportation may lead to falling down bottomless pits.
** – Sometimes the friendly penguins like to shove you off of ledges to your death. *** – Some individuals find themselves crushed by these snowballs heading down the slopes at such a speed. Ony some, though... | |
HI, everyone! I’m your now-travel agent, Tucayo! And this month I’ll present you one of the hottest vacation destinies in the entire Marioverse.
You’re probably tired by now of nature. Honestly, who’d like to spend a whole vacation out in the snow or in a sunken ship with a creepy eel lurking around? That is why the best place to go this summer is none other than the only certified resort in the Marioverse, Big Boo Resort! You may know this place by its previous name, Big Boo Haunt, but we changed that name since it wasn’t fitting. Nothing haunts in here, we can guarantee that. Mansions in the Marioverse aren’t haunted, that’s just an old myth spread by equally-old Toads to stop the kids from going there.
You have probably heard certain things about our resort, but I can guarantee most of those are rumors spread by other travel agents in an effort to take tourists from us, in our recently-renovated resort you’ll find 3 stories (and a basement!) full of fun and cultural activities for all the family to enjoy! One of your main concerns would probably be: "why is it locked inside a cage?!" Don’t worry; it’s all to ensure the safety of your family. You know how in other destinations you can fall into oblivion? Well, here that won’t happen, no sir.
Upon your arrival you’ll surely notice there are Boos roaming around. Don’t be scared of them, they are our friendly staff who will ensure you have a great time. Please don’t look at them in the eyes or try to attack them, since that will deliver a rather-creeping message to you.
As I mentioned before, the whole family can have a nice time in here. Let’s assume your son is some piano virtuoso, or maybe you just want to get rid of him for a while, the perfect place to take him is to our music room! Our visitors have rated this room as their favorite place
EVER
! You may notice there are some coffins on the room next door. Well, just ignore them and they’ll surely ignore you as well.
Or maybe what you want is to relax and to get away from society for a while. In that case, just fall (as in jumping into nothingness) to our basement and follow the sweet sound of music. In Big Boo’s Merry-Go-Round you can just close your eyes and relax while you go round and round. OK, you may occasionally need to evade some fire, but, aside from that, you can just relax.
If music isn’t what you really dig, and you don’t want to be in a peaceful state of mind by eternally going round and round, then you can visit our library, which is the largest library in the whole Marioverse. You can tell the books really want to be read, they’ll even fly in a friendly fashion straight to you. Or maybe you are deeply entertained by running in circles; well, Mr I. would definitely love to see you do that. So what are you waiting for, book your vacations now and have a summer you'll always remember. Or at least you'll remember the Merry-Go-Round song, that's for sure.
This is Mr. Montravail Mole.
Mr. Mole, like so many citizens, is an average member of the working class. Day in, day out, at 5AM sharp, the alarm clock rips him out of a lousy sleep. After having some severely under-toasted bread he drags his weary body to work, just so he will be able to support a bunch of ungrateful kids and his loving wife that keeps gazing longingly at the postman whenever she thinks Mr. Mole is not paying attention. Then, after twelve hours of tiring construction work and getting yelled at by the foreman, Mr. Mole, misses the bus home by two minutes and has to walk. When he arrives at home at 8 PM, he slumps down on his bed and is too exhausted to even be depressed.
Mr. Mole is, as we experts tend to say, a poor sucker. He, and many more live lives like this. Possibly even you! But why are all those poor people so tired and miserable?
"Well, I suppose it's because of terrible working conditions and the lack of support from their families", you might think now. Incidentally, this is also what moronic laymen without a medical degree think, which is why you need to leave the thinking to people who won't embarrass themselves, like me.
I am Doctor Phil-Ermanno Die Guy, and I have discovered the cause of being tired after work. It is in the air! Whenever there is a place where people gather to work, that place soon starts to emit stress particles. The stress particles cluster around the oxygen molecules and pollute the air with stress gas. While you are at work, you breathe in the stress gas though your nose (or your mouth, if you're weird) and that makes you feel exhausted. It is all part of a conspiracy thought up by furniture stores to coax you into buying beds.
"Well, gee, I sure wish there was a way to do something about that", Mr. Mole said when I told him the truth. And there is!
Using the best methods that science had to offer, like electric shocks, or putting dynamite in a microwave, I have painstakingly developed a patented treatment for stress, called Hazy Maze Aroma Therapy.
You see, the stress particles are just sort of chilling out in your lungs right now! And they aren't going to leave any time soon, or at least not by themselves. That is why you need to kick them out by force. What we are going to do is lock you up in a labyrinth-like cave system filled with bright, friendly gas.
"My eyes are burning horribly, but at least I'm feeling something again!"
Since the harmful particles attach only to oxygen, oxygen is what we need to get rid off. One of our lovely nurses will attend to you and show you some breathing exercises to maximize the effect of the therapy.
And once all the oxygen has been drained from your body by our fun, friendly gas... Congratulations!!! You are now cured and you will immediately notice an extremely relaxing sensation. The relaxation means that all stress has been purged from your body. You might even be so relaxed, you will pass out!
Mr. Mole was so relaxed, he didn't want to leave anymore at all.
If all this convinced you to come and try out Hazy Maze Aroma Therapy, then I salute you, because you are a smart and sensible person that respects their body and values their health. If not, then that is of no concern to me, because your limited intellectual capabilities will inevitably lead you to choke while trying to eat stones anyway. I don't waste my talent on lost causes.
Just drop in, I will be waiting for you in my office in Mushroom City. It might be uncertain if your insurance will cover the costs, but you can take comfort in knowing with certainty that they will be completely outrageous.
I'm waiting!
Hey! Hey you! Yes, you! You'd better get over here right now and listen to what I have to say. Yup, you'd better. Or else.
Now, you, my good friend, are going to visit Lethal Lava Land. Why? Because you are, that's why! I've got a perfect day planned out for you. Why a day? Because I doubt you'll last much longer. First up, you're going to visit my friend, Big Bully. This guy has the right idea of life, he's tough and not scared of anything. Exactly the kind of guy you want on your side in a fight. Unfortunately, he's never on your side in a fight. So beware of his charging power, or you'll get knocked into the lava.
After you meet my buddy, you're going to take a trip across the unstable ground floating in the lava lake. I guarantee you, it'll either get your blood pumping or stop it entirely. If the tilting platforms aren't enough to make you want to try it, then the rotating log in the sea of lava will. You'd better be a fast runner...or some very fancy ashes.
Finally, you're going to go on a shell tour of the land. The tour will show such highlights as the enormous volcano in the middle of the land and the delightfully terrifying Bowser picture - all from the top of a 1' green shell floating in lava! Best of luck! Maybe if you're (un)lucky, you'll even get to jump around on the inside of the volcano. Man, what I wouldn't give to be you right now.
Anyways, hup hup, get going, you'll miss your painting. Have fun in the Lethal Lava Land!
Oh yes MG1, that's a wonderful holiday right up until you trip on a Bully and singe your backside. Who needs lava when you could enjoy the relaxing heat and mud baths of the desert? Wouldn't you love a land where you can feel every step you take on the warm sands, and you can always let your guard down? If that sounds like a good time to you, then have I the perfect location; for in the heart of our fair kingdom lies the blissfully warm oasis, Shifting Sand Land, a land of culture, varied scenery, liveliness, and almost certainly nothing that could prove hazardous to your health or wallets!
There's much to be seen in this beautiful state, including sand, and pillars, and… sand, and… mud, which is just liquidated sand… and more sand… But, uhh, it's very unique sand, each grain special and foot-clingy on to its own, a masterful representation of how special each and every one of you are (unless you're poor, in which case go away; we don't need your riffraff)! Err anyway, as I said, we have the glorious four pillars that frame our amazing Pyramid Hotel, and look at the gorgeous ancient markings on them; ignore the crude penmanship, that's just how the uneducated ancients wrote! They're so magical, you can even climb up to the top of them by running straight upwards; go ahead, it's not like our tax insurers care about a bit of scratched paint or chipped stone, ehehehehe (it costs 500 Mushroom coins to see them; 200 extra to climb it. Refunds are not accepted). For a little more action in your holiday activities, try the Tox Box maze, which will surely put a heavy load of excitement on you; it costs 300 to play, no refunds.
"Just one of many ways to enjoy yourselves in Shifting Sand Land! Look at what a great time he's having!"
Our fantastic Pyramid Hotel accommodation houses a marvellous pool in the back – so refreshing it'll feel like you've been transported somewhere else - and state-of-the-art quicksand conveyer belts for swifter travel between rooms and facilities (costs 75 coins to use; don't jump around in it or we'll charge you extra)! The hotel goes a long time back, since the days when Shifting Sand Land was first colonised by disgruntled Koopa pilgrims to escape the oppression of the neighbouring Bob-omb Battlefield. Back then, it was a place of worship – now with the discovery of a huge moustache wax surplus, the nation has become a prosperous and bustling… merchant region run by the wonderful robed ones, now that the koopas have… mysteriously disappeared to faraway badlands. If you hear any groaning, crashing, or blood-curdling screaming coming from the basement, then that's just our lovely managers, Eyerok and Eyerok, and the guests that haven't payed their rent! Don't cheat us, or else.
Don't tuck your wallets away like a paranoid businessman; we guarantee your coins are safe with us, so that feeling that your pockets have become a little lighter is just the desert heat playing tricks on you! I would, however, take care when any bull-faced buzzards hover over your position, as they are likely seeking to steal your very expensive, very economically useful hat and use them to cheat someone out of an famous war veteran's zombie slaying hat. Damn barterers, traitors to good commerce, I say! We've heard a lot of comments about how our affordable and totally reasonable deals are robbery, but don't listen to them for they are manipulative Mushroom Kingdom totalitarians that want to oppress the hard-working lower-class of these mildly windy desert lands! So book your holiday to Shifting Sand Land today, and I guarantee you'll never leave… err, never want to leave! Hope to see you and your shiny valuables here soon!
Beware this fiendish avian; he is dangerous, taloned, and a threat to all hat owners. Proceed with caution.
NOTE: Absolutely no plumbers allowed at any time. That means you, D.
Hello everyone! Smasher here, and today, I will be showing you around Dire, Dire Docks! It's an absolutely beautiful area, and if you love swimming or surfing in the ocean, then this is definitely the place for you.
So, let's start with the large pool that most people who have heard of this place are familiar with. It's the perfect place to take your kids if they enjoy swimming or just looking at the water. There is also a large amount of incredible wildlife here. Some of you may worry about the sharks swimming about, or the whirlpool smack dab in the middle of the pool, but I assure you that as long as you do not bother them, they are perfectly harmless. If you happened to, say, accidentally throw your husband at the shark however, then his safety cannot be guaranteed. lousy wife, throwing me at these hostile creatures, I oughta...
But that's not all there is to this land! If you follow this tunnel, you will find yourself in another large pool. Don't worry about the size of the tunnel, there's nothing to fear.*
*caution: this tunnel is very dangerous and if you drown we are not responsible
Some of you have probably heard rumors of Bowser keeping his submarine here at one point, and about how some of his minions have been left behind to cause havoc. I'll let you know right now that those rumors are nothing but lies. There was never a submarine here, and that big submarine sized hole is merely a coincidence. It was caused by a...tap dancing accident! Yeah...that's it.
For those who don't care for the water, don't fret, there's a place in the cave where you can relax and watch the rest of the group splash around. This is also the ideal place for an athlete to go to. With poles moving around at the top of the cave, you'll be able to jump back and forth like an acrobat! And since they're above water, if you fall, there's no chance of you getting - *slip*
- hurt. *gulps*
The poor moron then crashes towards the hard ground, breaking his spine
I'm ok I swear
And finally, if you go back to the original pool, you'll find a manta swimming around! Don't worry, he really is harmless. And you'll be able to follow him around, swimming through rings to show off your skill. And the best part of this area: there's plenty of treasure here! Those brave enough to swim towards the bottom of the pool while avoiding the sharks and whirlpool will be able to claim some treasure from one of the treasure chests at the bottom.
Is closing, Dire, Dire Docks is a wonderful place to spend a vacation, full of amazement and beaut - why do I feel something breathing down my neck?
...Uh...bye now! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Do you enjoy winter vacations? Well, Snowman's Land
...no, not really, I burned the mask in order to get rid of all the bad memories it held. But...
So...uh...
Yeah...
Anyway, Snowman's Land is probably famous because it houses the tallest snowman in the Mushroom Kingdom! The entirely safe walkways around the snowy...man allow you to get a full 352 degree view of the official Gearmo Book of World Records holder! The snowman, however, enjoys his privacy, so his penguin bodyguards won't let you get too close, because they're not fun. I'm sure he'd love it if you walked right in front of his face!
Apart from the snowman, there's a lot more to do here! On the other side of the level, you'll find a stunning ice sculpture! Nobody's quite sure what it's meant to be, but it's brilliant! Really! You can also ride on your very own Koopa Shell here, so getting across that frozen pond will take seconds. Or minutes. Or hours. Or maybe you won't get across at all...but, erm, anyway, riding on a Koopa shell could also be fun! Sometimes some Goombas wearing hats (this offends me a lot, what game do they think they're from?!) start a campfire, so maybe you could huddle around the campfire with them and tell scary stories. Whatever you do, don't give them your money. They'll just spend it on Fuzzies, probably. What's that? You're a nice person? GET OUT.
If you bring your skis, or your snowboard, or a friend you could use as a snowboard, maybe you could even engage in some exciting winter sports? Still thinking of visiting Dire, Dire Docks? Well, I've heard from an inside source that Smasher is a moron, and he's lying if he says anything good about that dump! So, in conclusion, I hope you're convinced that Snowman's Land is a brilliant vacation spot, and you should all flock here and stand in front of that snowman guy who I've forgotten about for the last two paragraphs.
What's that? You're sick of this gag? YEAH, I'M BORED OF IT TOO, go look at something else. There's definitely no more travel guides beyond this point.
Hey kids, have you ever wanted to go outside and play only to find it's raining so heavily even fish don't want to go out?! Until someone finds an aquaphobic fish, neither have we! Or have you desired to stay indoors to play video games, but are asked to do chores because it's such a clear day today? Then you're a very irresponsible child, you should respect your parents more. But if you don't want to heed that advice, then you should come on down to Wet-Dry World, where so long as you have the money we won't judge you or call your parents for the reward money!
The easiest way to describe Wet-Dry World is that it's almost exactly like living in a bathtub, except without the crippling loneliness and anxiety of knowing your wife is enjoying the night with someone else! I mean, it's like that because the water level actually changes whenever we say it changes, to open up a wide array of new daily activities and games for you, and hopefully not drown any late risers.
Our wonderful Heave Ho waitresses will look after your every need and escort you to all the fine facilities in our humble region. Which always entails hurling you five metres into the air; where you'll land, not even you will know once you've hit your head on the pavement! After all, what injury lawsuit-related problem can't be solved without a convenient concussion? Once you've been escorted to our therapy rooms, just sit down, relax, and feel the thousands upon thousands of highly unstable volts course through your every atom. With any luck, you'll stop feeling any tension or pain after the first three hours of therapy are over!
"I feel ten years younger already, like I no longer exist!"
Other recreational activities include swimming, which I'm sure you'll be doing quite a lot of whether you're in the mood for it or not. Just keep an eye out for Skeeters; those cute little guys have an adorable habit of following you everywhere even when you're submerged, and they'll suffocate you with their puppy-like affections. And because they'll trap you under water and viciously maul you the second you attempt to swim back up. EXTREME.
We have the finest accommodation over in downtown Wet-Dry World just a short ways away from the main hotel grounds, although it does require effort to reach, effort such as shooting yourself out of a cannon at breakneck speeds into what may be the very last feeling you ever have. It's EXTREME, perfect for any child with swag! And if you manage to survive that, we hope you can hold your breath for a couple dozen hours, because your rooms are elevated fairly low and thus almost always flooded. Don't worry, just wake up before 6AM when the water is scheduled to go back up, and you should be fine! Do not sleep in, it will end you.
Oh, and a reminder; don't you dare touch any of the crystals prematurely, for we have one of the strongest and most adorable bodyguards in the entire world, Chuckya! Can your wind-up toy play ring toss over the ledge of a tall building with filthy plumbers as the rings? Of course not! That would be completely absurd! Ours is a precociously designed robot, and it thirsts for blood!
"Now stay away from my wife, you fat moustachioed—[REDACTED]"
So from our rad and very legal evaluation, you'd have to be a mindless conformist mommy's boy slave to society to not want to come to the totally EXTREME and respectable Wet-Dry World! The one place in the world where we encourage you to tear each and every one of your ribs in half; who knows, you may have an arm for a leg and a leg for an eye by the time your trip here is over. How cool would that be? So don't be tame, come to Wet-Dry World and become lame!
Yo, it's an Ukiki here! Today, I'll show around my home, Tall, Tall Mountain! Smasher was originally supposed to do this, but after the incident at Dire, Dire Docks, he is currently in a coma. No, the shark didn't get him - after getting out of the water he tripped on a pebble and ran into the wall, then somehow fell off a cliff into a pile of broken glass.
Anyway, let's scale this baby. Obviously, we'll start at the bottom by this nice waterfall. In the distance, you can see a few mushrooms. We can't reach these, but not to worry, there's more up ahead that we can reach. It won't take long at all.
And here they are! These mushrooms have have managed to grow very tall, and it's easy to access them, allowing anyone who wants to jump on them to...jump on them. So if you want to your kids out of your hair for a while, just send them over to these babies. It's completely safe...he he he...
A little past those, and you'll find some Monty Moles. They're pretty shy, so if you get near them they'll hide in the ground, They'll also try to throw rocks at you, but don't worry, it'll only cause pain, but that's nothing to be afraid of! You'll also come across an intersection here. You can either continue going straight ahead, or take the shortcut up this wall. The wall requires some skill to climb, so let's continue down the main path.
Jump on a couple of ledges and you'll reach the greatest thing found of this mountain - me! Yep, this the part of the mountain I call home. It's great, I have a Fly Guy friend living nearby (be careful though, he hates people), a tiny lake to swim in, and a house made out of my hat collection, which is actually pretty comfortable. Say, how about you bring your hats so I can add to my collection? I promise, the heat beating down on your head won't be too hot.
The rest of the trip may seem difficult, but it's really not that bad - you'll just have to roll on a log above the above the abyss, dodge explosives and boulders, jump across a large gap, avoid a cloud that tries to blow you away, and walk across thin ledges. Oh, and try not to trip on the gravestones, they're everywhere.
It'll all be worth it when you reach the top, however. The view is breathtaking, and the feeling of success you get when getting through something this tough is excellent. Just be sure to keep the Ukiki that is much less smart and handsome than I am off your head, he bites. Oh, and there's also a secret slide located somewhere on the mountain. It's incredibly fun to slide down if you figure out where it is! Try not to fall off though, unless you like death.
That's about it. I hope you consider visiting this amazing mountain. Don't forget to bring your hats! Bye!
Is your life dull and meaningless?
Do you wish to put some joy in your sorry existence?
Do you yearn to take a vacation, but the price is too steep?
Greetings folks, tis I, Koopa the Quick, and do I have a deal for you. Come visit Tiny-Huge Island for just a measly 550 coins. Such a HUGE deal for a tiny price. Why don't I tell you about some of the attractions we have here, though?
First off, you may notice the size of the animals we have here. That's right, we've got the Great Gargantuan Goomba Zoo and Amusement Park. Why not watch Giant Goombas in their natural habitat as they perform daily activities, such as walking. Goombas aren't the only giants we've got in this fine zoo. Although many get the urge to stomp these poor creatures, please refrain from doing so, as they are considered an endangered species in this part of the world. Check out the aquarium for the notorious, but quite tasty, Bubba. They say this fish's stomach is so huge, it can eat an entire person whole, but that's a bunch of poppycock. Lastly, why not drop by the Venus Fire Trap Habitat…just don't get too close to the plants…
Our sandy beaches are the best for miles and our Lakitu waiters are willing to serve you by the shore. I advise you not to swim in the waters between 1pm and 4pm because that's when Bubba goes out to exercise…and he's quite territorial. Enjoy a cool, refreshing drink that you can only get here, made with fresh ingredients that are literally out of this world.
Our little island also has a great hot spring located on the top of the mountain. Watch the beautiful moonlight glisten the water. Be careful where you step in the spring though, as the ground is quite fragile and directly below is the local county jail.
Lastly, by no means, and I mean it, BY NO MEANS, use the Warp Pipes on the island. They are not exits, they are not trash cans, and they are most definitely, not toilets. The pipes have been barred up for a reason. If you, for some unknown reason, feel like leaving the island, take the cannon. If you are caught doing any of these activities, you will be reprimanded and be sent to the jail for the rest of the day. I don't think you'd want to spend your night with Wiggler.
We hope you consider your next vacation with us.
Are you often intimidated by the craziness of everyday life?
Do you believe that life is but an extended sequence of events, void of anything like form, or structure?
Is your greatest desire in life to live inside a giant clock?
...
Well, probably not.
But now you can do it anyway!
If you feel like your life is throwing every whimsical nonsense it can find at you, and you desperately feel the need to get some rhythm back into your sorry, chaotic existence, then coming and visiting Tick Tock Clock is what you must do. There is nothing more invigorating than hearing the loud and obnoxious ticking of a gigantic clock every. loving. second. Certainly did wonders for my marriage, let me tell you.
"Good news, dear! That clanking gear in your head isn't the most annoying sound in the whole world anymore! That means I love you. Please don't take the kids!"
Just come on over, and we will take care of everything you need to know, like how to get to your room. It is easy, really. Just ride on the giant hand and round and round you go until you find it.
This could be yours right there! Curtains cost extra, by the way.
Once you are settled in, you can enjoy any one of Tick Tock Clock's countless stunning attractions (not to be confused with those little electric metal balls that sometimes fly around in here. Those are known for their stunning infractions).
For example, the view from your room is gorgeous! It's true. It is a well-known fact that Tick Tock Clock's scenic beauty offers wonders without end. Emphasis lies on "without end" here, seeing how you will spend most of the time staring down a bottomless pit. That's not all, though. For the ones who are a little more conscious about their health, we have a massage specialist on the top floor. Just take one of the conveniently inconvenient rotating cube staircases.
And once you're done with your tour around the clock, we would be delighted to see you at our great Tick Tock Clock gift shop! What are we saying, you will be there anyway. It is so awkward to come home from a vacation without bringing some tacky tourist merchandise to throw at your relatives, and you know it. Nobody wants to be that guy.
Anyway, we will be there and sell you some fancy things that look like things that belong in a clock. They look that way because they are literally things we took out of the machinery and put price tags on. We figure there is no problem with that, since there is still plenty gears and screws left anyway, and a few less won't make much of a difference. Now don't go ahead and take this as an excuse to grab the stuff that isn't for sale! When we unscrew some stuff from the walkways, it is to support an honorable enterprise. When you do it, it's thievery, and reckless endangerment! Please don't do it.
Also, this is just between you and me, but stay away from the shop at 6 o' clock. Happy hour is at 6, and things get pretty insane during happy hour. Things have been lost, lives have been ruined, and you have been warned.
So all in all, it would be a good idea to buy yourself a trip to the lovely tourist wonderland that is Tick Tock Clock. We will make your vacation worthwhile! And if you book your voyage before 12 o' clock today, we will make your stay so special, it will seem like time is non-existent.
And if all of this sounds horrible and like a big waste of time to you... buy a trip anyway, and give it to someone you don't like! That way, we will all get something out of it!
That's how my wife ended up here, heh heh heh... Wait! Does she read this paper?
Hi! I bet you are glad to see me again. If big, luxurious, 5-star resorts aren't your type of vacation, don't worry, because I have come to offer you another hot destination for your summer vacations. And it's the one and only Rainbow Ride!
Now, this place is called Rainbow Ride, not Rainbow Road, and I clarify this because if you have visited some Rainbow Roads, it's highly probable you are now in a fetal position in some dark corner, recalling all the times you surely fell into oblivion. Well, this Rainbow Ride bears no resemblance to the other places with similar names. First of all, you won't drive into nothingness, since our brand new magic carpet has been designed by the best engineers in Star Haven, so you won't drive off course. Now, if you jump off course...
It is difficult to get to us, but trust me, it's worth every star you had to get. We have various attractions, but choose wisely, since you won't be able to get back from many of them. On one side, we have triangles and swings. It's every bit as amazing and entertaining as it sounds. Next, we have a labyrinth. Carefully designed so that you have to visit every corner of it, this maze will entertain you for days. Or hours. Who am I trying to fool; you will get bored of this place after a couple of minutes. The good part is that after you visit our labyrinth, you can choose to visit ONE of our top two attractions. And before you get to either of them, the best part of the journey. As you may have seen in the other destination I presented, I love going round and round, and here you have 4 circles that spin at different speeds, so it’s perfect for everything. Or nothing. Or maybe you’ll end up all dizzy, throw up and then fall into the bottomless void.
On one side, we have an airship. You fell in love with them years ago, and now you can relieve all the nostalgia by simply watching the beautiful landscape and letting yourself get carried by the wind. Wait, no, don't get carried too much by the wind.
If you'd rather feel at home and enjoy some activities by the fire, then the Big House in the Sky is right for you. Once you get here, you'll never be able to leave! Literally! Sit by the fire and get comfortable as the fire warms your heart. And your clothes. And soon after you'll be engulfed in flames, running in circles looking desperately for water. Bad news, we're in the sky.
Uhh... As you can see, it's a wonderful destination if you love triangles, labyrinths, spinning, falling into nothingness and fire! So what are you waiting for, book your vacations now.
And that was it for our Travel Guide (x15!). On behalf of all the 'Shroom Core Staff, thanks for reading this Guide (it was a lengthy read, we know), I hope you enjoyed it and I hope you like the rest of the issue.
