Director Notes
It is yet another month, yet another issue. As we continue to bound into warmer weather, I can only hope that you will continue to be satisfied by both this month's issue of the paper as a whole, and Fake News.
We have several new sections to report on this month. Waluigi Time (talk) is contributing with both a volunteer section called Diggin' Up Dirt and a one-off Peddler's Palace, and Roserade (talk) is returning with The Mushroom Marquee. In addition we have the regular New Flush sections, that is, one from Hooded Pitohui (talk), and from Mustard Machine (talk), respectively.
As for a special event, check out the Blooper Race page for a fun activity!
Section of the Month
There has been an immense voter turnout for the last issue. Waluigi Time (talk)'s one-off Game Corner managed to accumulate twenty-one(!!) votes, an impressive feat indeed. In second, there is Quizmelon (talk) with TV Tomorrow, with twelve votes, and for third there is a three-way tie between Consumer Corner, Mushroom Tribune, and News Flush, written by Waluigi Time, Hooded Pitohui (talk) and Mustard Machine (talk), and Mustard Machine, respectively, with seven votes each. Congratulations to all our writers, and thank you to all our readers and voters, and have a nice month!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Game Corner | 21 | 35.59% | Waluigi Time |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 12 | 20.34% | Quizmelon |
| 3rd | Consumer Corner | 7 | 11.86% | Waluigi Time |
| 3rd | Mushroom Tribune | 7 | 11.86% | Hooded Pitohui & Mustard Machine |
| 3rd | News Flush | 7 | 11.86% | Mustard Machine |
Written by: Hooded Pitohui (talk)
Toadies Challenge Removal from Race for M14 Recognition
It wouldn't be the season of polls without some controversy in the Mushroom World, and it's M14, the race for the title of "favorite species," which is under scrutiny. Under the authority of Director Superchao, the Awards Committee, the select group, formed each year by drawing from a pool of applicants, has removed Toadies and Lakitus from the M14 ballot, earning a sharp rebuke from the Cultural Union of Toadies. The organization put out a public statement criticizing the decision.
On behalf of Toadies everywhere, we strongly urge the Awards Committee to reconsider this decision. It was through a write-in campaign late during last year's poll season that Toadies were added to the ballot as an official nominee, a write-in campaign which, we remind the Awards Committee, reflected growing support for Toadies year after year. Write-in votes were high enough to secure Toadies a nomination for M14, but the late addition to the ballot left little time to campaign. Polling data from the Lakitu Info Center shows that nearly a quarter of voters already had an established preference by the time that Toadies were added to the ballot, leaving many voters who had already made up their minds completely unaware that any new nominees had been added to the race at all. In light of these irregularities, we urge the Awards Committee to reverse their decision to remove Toadies from the M14 ballot, allowing Toadies to remain on the ballot this year so that an assessment can be made of how well they perform after a full year of campaigning as an official nominee. This decision is being made while ignoring a number of irregularities that undoubtedly lost Toadies votes, and, if not uncorrected, will irreparably damage trust in the M14 poll selection process.
The Cultural Union of Toadies was formed in 2014 to "rehabilitate the image of Toadies, who, due to a few incidents caused by a few individuals enlisted in Bowser's army in the distant past, have been mischaracterized as child kidnappers, and to support the advancement of Toadies everywhere by raising the public profile of the species". Since its formation, it has campaigned to have Toadies added to the annual polls held across the Mushroom World, focusing in the past few years on seeing Toadies added to M14. Since 2018, it has pushed for a write-in campaign to show public support for Toadies, with that campaign finally crossing the threshold needed for a species to be considered as a potential official nominee late last year, resulting in a late addition of Toadies, along with Lakitus and Kongs, species whose representative groups also organized a successful write-in campaign, to the ballot.
Not all feel the criticisms of the the Cultural Union of Toadies hold water, with defenders of the decision pointing out that Kongs, another late addition to the ballot, secured enough votes to place seventh, and were for that reason not removed from the ballot this year. The Awards Committee has not put out an official response to the criticism. When asked for a comment, they cited a long-standing policy of using votes to determine which nominees should be removed from or retained on any given race's ballot. Shoey, a member of the Awards Committee, speaking in an unofficial capacity, had this to say.
Truthfully, there just weren't enough votes for Toadies last year to justify keeping them on the ballot. Space on the ballot is limited and not every species is going to be able to make it on. That's just how it is. The idea that Toadies did poorly because they were a late addition to the ballot is, frankly, absurd. The Kongs were a late addition to the ballot and performed much better than even some species that have been on the ballot for years. If the Toadies have the public support they claim to have, they'll get enough write-in votes to be added back to the 2023 ballot, but to add them back this year because of so-called irregularities that made no difference - the news of the addition to the ballot was published in the official Anniversary Announcements Awards register and in the New Wikisburg paper of record! - would be a betrayal of the principles that have successfully guided these races year after year.
According to a representative of the Cultural Union of Toadies, the group is preparing for another write-in campaign, adapting its tactics from its previous campaign to a year when its campaign is likely to be overshadowed by prominent Vote P for F7 Redux campaign.
Written by: Parshoe G. Shoelow
Critics Deride, Supporters Applaud as Porcupuffer nominated for F7
It was all smiles at the annual Hammer Bros. Industrial Association conference following the announcement that Porcupuffer had been placed on the F7 Worst Enemy ballot. The Hammer Bros. Industrial Association, backed by well-known cereal proprietor and wrestling promoter Waluigi Time, had been waging an active campaign to get the spiky fish on the ballot. After narrowly failing to get the fish on the ballot last year, Waluigi Time fulfilled the promise he made to supporters last year. He began by waging a high-profile and moderately successful write-in campaign that saw Porcupuffer finish 14th on the poll, with 2.53% of the vote and only trailing 9th place finisher Bandits by less than 1%. Waluigi Time doubled his efforts to pressure the Awards Committee to place the spiky pufferfish on the ballot, holding rallies, holding parades, and creating a wide variety of merchandise. The Vote P on F7 campaign has even been featured on the back of Waluigi Time Cereal, with the Porcupuffer playing the bad guy in the Delicious Adventures of Captain Cereal comic strip on the back of the box.
The reaction to Porcupuffer being placed on the F7 ballot has been mixed to say the least. While many are excited to see what they see as a persistent pest be placed on the ballot, others have derided it as nothing more then a propaganda campaign sweeping people up in hoopla and festivities. Some have even argued that what Waluigi Time is doing is corrupting the Awards themselves by rewarding those who are willing to spend large amounts of coins on big flashy campaigns. When asked to comment, the Awards Committee through Sub-Director Hooded Pitohui had this to say:
We at the Awards Committee take the process of nominations very seriously, and while we are indeed troubled by Vote P for F7 campaign, facts are facts. Porcupuffer got enough write-ins to surpass two nominees and came very close to drawing enough votes to finish ninth. While some may argue that those votes were gained through improper means - and, believe me, the committee agonized on how to interpret those results - we at the Awards Committee felt that we could not justify not putting Porcupuffer on F7 no matter how uncomfortable the P for F7 campaign might make us feel.
Standing at the podium, Waluigi Time was all smiles, telling the association that the easy part was over and the real challenge begins now, with a long campaign ahead for the Hammer Bros. and others who intend to see Porcupuffer take the top spot this year.
The Mushroom Marquee
Written by: Sal T. Thespian (talk)
Vampire Tale Turns Tail on Nuance, Big on Fun
Being stationed in Toad Town as I am, I often encounter small businesses throughout my day. Toad Town is big on its local business, for multiple reasons. The legacy of the town has opened the door for family establishments, and tourism garnered with Peach’s Castle allows for doors to regularly remain open. The art scene remains no different. Toad Town is not typically the site for large-scale productions with touring companies from Mushroom City and the like; small troupe theatrics call the place home, and chief among them, aptly named, is the Toad Town Theatre Troupe. Long-time readers of my work will recall that I have often written about them, in large part due to their quantity of shows and popularity with local families.
It is true that the Toad Town Theatre Troupe is a regular success with families. Their marketing exudes their family-friendly nature - “great for the babies!”, their promotional material regularly reads. This appeal stretches into their performances as well. Never have I seen one of their plays make a statement, anymore than they appeal to pure spectacle. Though this approach does not trouble some of their productions (“Draggadon in Disco”, as you’ll recall, is considered a resounding success for this reason), the failure to acknowledge nuanced themes becomes more apparent in shows that can say much more.
Thus our conversation leads to “The Secret Swoop of Santario”, the latest production by their company, directed by Tammy Turtlekoop. I was graciously offered a free preview performance this last Wednesday, to which I would like to extend my thanks to the company. With my intimate relationship with them, it would be wise for me to address that I may display some bias towards their work. Regardless, I write this review to the fullest of my ability.
First walking into the Toad Town Central Theater, the atmosphere immediately inspired stepping into another realm. Fog rolled across the floor, while tall, silhouetted structures cast shadows across the audience from the obscured stage. If there is any true strength with this production, it should be its spectacle and technical design. For the past few shows, the Theatre Troupe has sought out additional elements for an immersive experience; “The Secret Swoop of Santario” is their greatest success thus far. Ice Flowers chill the air on the brisk night of the opening scene, while carefully-placed speaker systems echo environmental sounds. Perhaps most inventive of all are the Music Note Blocks placed in front of each audience seat. Audiences were encouraged to engage with the blocks at different intervals of the performance, causing music to come from all around.
The general story is practically unchanged, making it as regular as expected. Lord Ruthless of Santario resurrects on the night of the full moon, Sir Toadto offers his daughter, Marygue, as his bride, Lord Ruthless is revealed to be a vampiric Swoop in disguise, and so it goes. This script is nearly a replica of the updated edition done by Sonya Shells in 2012, with some variation here and there, though this does not seem surprising considering the close friendship between Turtlekoop and Shells.
Lord Ruthless, played by Harold T. Angels, is a serviceable fit, though Angels has an odd sway in his intensity. His directives are not always intimately apparent, and his comedic timing for his slim amount of jokes left much to be desired. Iman Acter’s Sir Toadto has its charms, as does Celia Doors’ brash portrayal of Maid Goombilia. The most show-stopping performance, though, is awarded to actress Batty Deshroom and her role as Marygue. Deshroom manages to capture the perfect spirit of a young woman both naive and knowledgeable, both fragile and powerful, which is only further impressive when considering she just recently passed her 34th birthday.
Unfortunately, unlike other modern interpretations of “The Secret Swoop of Santario”, this production does not rear its head towards the potential commentary and controversy it could reach into. “Santario” is regarded as one of the first plays written in the Mushroom Kingdom to explore the subtle homosexuality in the friendship of two male leads, yet the relationship between Ruthless and Toadto remains surface-level at best. In addition, the original script has a striking, underlying edge towards the treatment of underclass citizens, and how nobility will always exceed basic humanity; Turtlekoop’s directorial decision to cut away this theming leaves the end product feeling hollow. Though focusing on entertainment first and foremost can be a success, for a play with as much legacy as “Santario”, this decision feels safe and unrewarding. This is especially true when Turtlekoop’s contemporaries have developed adaptations far richer than hers (for further exploration, I would recommend reading the script to Mada Nameup’s “Scarlet Wings”, which adapts the original story of Lord Ruthless into the modern-day back alleys of Neo Bowser City).
None of this is to disrespect the mechanical marvel the show becomes in the company’s capable hands. For enrapturing me in a world and drawing upon my childlike sense of wonder, the Toad Town Theatre Troupe has once again succeeded. For those looking for a family-friendly vampirical romp, I would recommend attending, but those who are adamant supporters of the original play’s content may find themselves dissatisfied as they walk away, even if the moment of Lord Ruthless’s entrance will play in their memory for months to come.
The Secret Swoop of Santario
Directed by: Tammy Turtlekoop
Where: Toad Town Central Theater
When: May 21st - June 4th
Admission: Starts at 30 coins
Runtime: 1 hr 30 min with one intermission
DK Island Gazette
Written by: Mustard Machine (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article is sourced from The DK Island Gazette, a bimonthly report on Donkey Kong Island which The 'Shroom has obtained by way of exclusive agreement.
Banana Hoard reaches historic low:
After months of denials, a report from the Home Office finally confirms the rumors that the Banana Hoard has hit its lowest levels since 1994. The Banana Hoard, which is Donkey Kong Island's strategic reserve of bananas, sat, at its peak, at 300 tons of regular bananas, 100 tons of multicolored bananas, and finally 201 golden bananas. But today's report confirmed what had long been speculated, that the current Banana Hoard sits at less then half of that, with 127 tons of regular bananas, 45 tons of multicolored bananas, and 75 golden bananas. The report also contained a startling admission that, since 2014, the Home Office has been including the full theoretical gross yield of bananas grown from a harvest, not the actual net yield that the harvest produces, to artificially increase the number of bananas reported in the Hoard. We reached out to island chief, Cranky Kong, who had this to say:
First, I want to acknowledge the fact that my office has not been fully truthful with the numbers. The hope was that, with good enough harvests, we'd be able to completely replenish the hoard without causing a panic. We were acting in what we believed were the island's best interests, but what we did was wrong and naïve and we apologize for it. I'd also like to explain why the Banana Hoard got so low. The simple truth is that, every time we've been attacked, whether it be by the Kremling Crew, the Tiki Tak Tribe, or the Snowmads, we saw significant shrinkage rates. Why, the Snowmads alone destroyed 15% of the hoard. We also had several lower-than-expected harvests due to lack of manpower, such as in 2007, when we lost Diddy, Tiny, and Dixie due to them helping retake Timber Island from that evil porker Wizpig. Because of lack of yields in the harvest, we were forced to dig into the hoard in order to fill several budget gaps. Because of that, today, I am officially announced a complete freeze on the hoard, prohibiting anybody from taking anything from it until we increase it by at least 50%. I am also announcing a full audit of all the island's books, to be led by Professor Chops, to identify waste, as well as a review of our farming practices to see what tactics we could use to modernize our farming practices. Mistakes have been made, and we apologize for them, but just know we are committed to earning back the island's trust.
During the writing of this piece, a former member of the Home Office agreed to speak to us under anonymity, sharing his belief as to why the hoard is so low:
The reason the hoard keeps plummeting is because of changes made to pensions for veterans of the Great Ape War. When I served in the Home Office, everyone agreed that the pensions were too low, but what the Home Office did, giving them a 25% increase as well as a "cost of living" adjustment every year, is madness. Not only that, but, thanks to policy changes, Cranky Kong was given the authority to approve pensions for veterans previously found not to qualify for them. The pensions were supposed to primarily support those who were so injured in the Great Ape War that they could no longer work, but now you've got pensions being given out to Kongs that didn't even get injured in the war! What was supposed to be a thank you and a bonus to those who fought for this island turned into a vacuum sucking up all the bananas at levels the hoard just can't sustain. I attempted a number of times to get them to change the policy back and reduce the pensions, but Cranky didn't want to do that because it would be politically unpopular. It's just poor policy, and I didn't defect from the Kremling Krew just to watch the Kongs ruin this island with their mismanagement.
News of the Banana Hoard's true figure, as well as the announcement of austerity measures to restore the Banana Hoard has sent markets in a downward spiral, with Swanky's Exchange dropping 28% of its total value. To offer more insight into these troubling developments, we turn to Hooded the Pitohui and Shoey the Goomba for their perspectives.
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I tell you, these developments are some of the most troubling things I've seen outside of a military occupation. For years, it had been rumored that the Banana Hoard, the key strategic lifeblood of Donkey Kong Island, has been mismanaged under the rule of the Kong family, and these reports just seem to confirm those rumors. They say most the hoard has been lost due to shrinkage caused by invasions, but the last invasion was eight years ago. Not to mention the fact that the Kong family has never taken steps to shore up defenses. Rather, they decided to waste bananas on grants for Kong Colleges which were supposed to "educate" the Kremlings and make them less hostile. Despite years of being propped up with handouts, there's been no evidence that the so-called Kong College ever succeeded, with a single Kritter graduating before it was unceremoniously shut down. There's also the fact that each Kong has been given an individual pension for every time they've helped take down a threat. Now, I could understand giving a pension to Donkey Kong or Diddy Kong, but why does Candy Kong get 300 bananas a month? All she did was teach the Kongs instruments? Cranky Kong wants to blame the falling hoard on shrinkage caused from invasions, and, though it's true the Banana Hoard is affected by these invasions, the real problem is the Kong family treating the Banana Hoard like it's their own personal honey pot, raiding the hoard without even a single bit of care for how it might affect the rest of the island. It's madness and it needs to stop. |
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Let me say frankly, this admission from the Home Office is vindicating, but I cannot celebrate. For years, attempts to investigate the rumors of the hoard's decline were stymied by Cranky Kong, who used his prestige and the public's trust in him to deflect scrutiny away from the Home Office. Through carefully-timed releases of reports that massaged the numbers, casting of reporters questioning the outlays from the hoard as being unpatriotic slanderers of veterans, and unwarranted and irresponsible expansion of the group qualifying for pensions, Cranky Kong betrayed this island's trust, offering false reassurances to the public while plundering a reserve this island depends on for its security. At a time when the supply of bananas was already constrained as a result of the Tiki Tak Tribe's invasion, the Home Office purchased an additional fifty tons of bananas, claiming it was necessary to help the reserve recover from the invasion, but driving up, in the process, the price of bananas - allegedly intentionally - enough to make it impossible for Colonel Pluck's Factory to press ahead with its plans to experiment with banana-processing on an industrial scale using techniques introduced to the island by the Tikis. Tons of bananas were bought at an inflated price, and have they helped the reserve recover? No. By Cranky Kong's own admission, that purchase did nothing to offset the effects of any invasion, much the less the Tiki invasion, all of those bananas flowing out in the form of bloated pensions, waste in the form of grants for Kong Colleges, and subsidies for the island's aviation industry. This admission is confirmation that Cranky Kong is unfit for the Home Office and that the Kong family as a whole must be reined in. For too long, the Kongs have escaped scrutiny, using their status as heroes of the island to deflect criticism and sidestep difficult questions. This is a wake-up call to this entire island. We must establish guidelines that will ensure transparency, starting in the Home Office. Every single addition to or withdrawal from the hoard should be documented and presented to the public in plain language, and a full investigation needs to be carried out to identify programs that can be shuttered or shrunk to reduce the size of outlays from the hoard. It is time to stop blindly trusting the Kongs, and to take their mismanagement of this island seriously rather than allowing them to sweep it under the rug. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome back once again to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament that somehow ends up turning into a tennis match with only mild entertainment value. I am, as always, your host, Waluigi Time. Luckily we didn't get hit with any lawsuits for false advertising, but just to be safe, I've gone to extra lengths to ensure that there will be people beating each other up today. That's what you all most likely came here to see anyway, or maybe you just want the cereal at the concession stand. I don't know what's on your mind. If I did, then they'd call me The Old Cereal Magnate With The Evil Eye Who Shills For The 'Shroom And Knows Everything Before It Happens. But I don't, and neither do they.
Alright, here's our first contestant for today, sure to be a showstopper, the Turtley Titan, the Tremendous Terrapin, it's GRUNT!
Yeah, they don't make 'em like these anymore. What Grunt lacks in intelligence, and boy does he lack it, he makes up for in muscle! Seriously, the dude can lift weights with his mouth. Grunt brings all the strength of the mighty Super Troopas to this match, so don't expect him to go down easily! There's not much else to say about him other than that he can probably make cream of mushroom soup out of the average Toad with all four limbs tied behind his back.
Well I'd sure hate to be in the ring with that guy! Fortunately I'm not, but our next fighter is. It's the Plumber with a PhD, the Viceroy of Vitamins, DR. MARIO!
Now here's a man with experience. He's gone from eradicating pesky Viruses all the way to participating in three different Smash tournaments - technically five, if you're not picky about the lab coat. Dr. Mario brings all that jumpy wahoo goodness with a medical flair. Throwing capsules in your face? Check. Deflecting attacks with a sheet? Check. Turning your skin to ice with an obscenely cold stethoscope? Maybe! Just don't mention gacha to him, it's a touchy subject.
Only one person can walk away as the winner! Who will it be? My money's on Grunt. Not only because he's really strong, but also I don't want to know what he'll do to me if I predict against him! But of course, there's only one way to find out, as always. Let's get into that ring!
Starting things off, Dr. Mario lobs a couple of capsules across the ring at Grunt, which break on contact with his tough exterior. Where is he getting those, anyway? Does he have a bottle of them? Are they up his sleeve? Is it just hammerspace?! I have no idea! Questions of Dr. Mario's exact methods of procuring medicine aside, Grunt stomps toward him, shaking the ring with each step! He moves in to clobber Dr. Mario with his fist, but the doctor jumps out of the way and onto Grunt's head, bouncing off for some nice distance. Doesn't seem to have done much to Grunt though, aside from a satisfying clunky sound.
Dr. Mario tosses a few more capsules Grunt's way, with predictable effects. Grunt moves into close range once again, but this time Dr. Mario uses one of his signature Super Jump Punches and strikes Grunt right on the chin, sending him stumbling backwards! It doesn't take him long to get his bearings back though, and he goes in for another punch. Dr. Mario tries to deflect the attack with his Super Sheet technique, but Grunt just punches a hole right through it and clobbers Dr. Mario in the face, sending him sliding across the ring floor! Ouch!
He's not done yet though! Dr. Mario peels himself up off of the floor and jumps toward Grunt just as he starts his famous Dr. Tornado move! Dr. Mario pummels Grunt with his fists several times while spinning... but it does absolutely nothing! Unbelievable! The battered doctor lands and Grunt grabs him with one hand, and slams him down into the floor! Actually, wait a minute... He's gone. Huh, I guess Grunt sent Dr. Mario to the basement. Unfortunately for him, the basement does count as being out of the ring, which means Grunt is the winner! Now someone go find Dr. Mario so we can get him some medical attention, thanks. The doctor becomes the patient, ironic...
Thanks for tuning in! Hopefully you enjoyed it, but if you didn't, we'll be having a lovely bonfire over in the complaints department and your contributions are more than welcome. Next month, we're heading off to Isle Delfino! Well, assuming I can actually secure the permits to build a wrestling ring over there. Either way, we'll be working with some of Delfino's native species next time, so send in your suggestions if you have any that you'd like to see! Worst case scenario, we'll just smug- er, I mean import them in! Yeah, import...
TV Tomorrow
First, an apology for there being far too many mentions of dog piss in the last TV Tomorrow. Which, to be honest, is a misdeed also committed by this article. The ideal number of dog piss mentions in a TV Tomorrow article is one maximum, and I’ve already said it twice and will likely say it again at some point during this introduction, probably sooner than I’d like. So, before I inadvertently turn dog piss, of all things, into a running gag for this section, let’s cast our eyes to the unsullied screen and remind ourselves of what Mushroom Kingdom’s television schedules have in store this May.
New: Stacked
MKBC1, 9pm
Genre: Medical drama
On the face of it, Stacked is your typical medical drama - doctors and nurses running around, saving people’s lives and falling in and out of love with each other, etc. What makes this one original is its central character; three Goombas stacked on top of one another in a lab coat. The show explores this premise deeply, suggesting the three share a deep level of symbiosis, but also demonstrating the difficulties they have keeping their secret, such as when the middle Goomba falls in love with a young Goomba anesthetist who the others can’t stand. Apparently, though unprovably, based on a true story.
Peach’s Life Experiences
MKBC2, 8pm
Genre: Travel show
Another installment in the televised attempts of Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom to make her life more interesting and explore the world looking for life experiences to have. This time, she’s in the cold climes of Snowball Park, where she tries the unique single-skate ice skating discipline that is very popular with the region’s Goombas, and then builds a Snow Pokey. Peach’s light-hearted, enthusiastic presentation style is perfect for the show, and it really helps embellish the insightful information about other Mushroom Kingdom cultures.
Kong Crazy!
MKBC Kids, 5pm
Genre: Kids’ sketch show
There aren’t a lot of good sketch shows in the Mushroom Kingdom, let alone ones specifically targeted towards children, so it’s a pleasant surprise to see the recent success the Kongs have had with their admittedly poorly-titled sketch show. Intended for those aged 8-13, Kong Crazy!’s energetic style and anarchic absurdism has had no problem attracting a wider audience - it’s attracted a devoted older following, and been nominated for awards alongside several more adult-oriented comedic fare. A particular highlight this episode is a recurring series of nonsensical adverts for barrels, presented by an increasingly desperate and unhinged Cranky Kong.
Well, that’s it for May. If you enjoyed this month’s TV Tomorrow, why not send me all of your money? Cash or digital, I’ll accept either. And a house would be nice, too, if you’ve got one, a big reclusive mansion in a picturesque location would be lovely. You know what, if you didn’t enjoy this month’s TV Tomorrow, send me your money, house, and yacht anyway, I’m sure I’ll find a use for them. I’ll look forward to receiving them, and I’ll make sure to compensate you in June with another TV Tomorrow! See you then!
Consumer Corner
Written by : Waluigi Time (talk)
We open with a serious-looking Koopa Troopa in a bowtie, conducting a broadcast so dull that it looks like something a Clubba would watch at naptime. "Every year, Hammer Bros. across the Mushroom Kingdom are subjected to harsh treatment by the masses of-" he drones, before being cut off as a ridiculously dressed Hammer Bro. on a skateboard crashes through the wall and knocks into him, causing him to retreat into his shell. "Yo dudes! The name's Hammond, Hammond Hammer! I got some totally gnarly facts for you! Didja know that for five straight years, Hammer Bros. have been voted Worst Enemy and got hundreds of votes each time? That ain't cool!" He spontaneously performs a sick skateboard trick to drive home his point. "We're just doin' our job, man! And we're darn good at it! The media's in on it too, and they're still whinin' about 1985! Seriously?! We don't deserve this, man! But let me turn things over to this radical dude to tell you what's next!"
At that moment, Waluigi Time suavely falls from the ceiling and kicks the Troopa's shell off-camera. "Wahaha! Hello everyone, it's me, Waluigi Time, head of the Vote P for F7 Redux Campaign and CEO of Waluigi Time Cereal Incorporated! For maximum efficiency, I am now teaming up with myself! Introducing... PORCUPUFFER CEREAL!" A jpg of the box slides across the screen accompanied by suitably cheesy effects for emphasis! "Totally radical!" Hammond interjects. "Behold, what may be our most technologically advanced product yet! Since Porcupuffers are protected and all that junk, we can't legally use real Porcupuffer meat, so this cereal includes 100% synthetic Porcupuffer meat grown in the Waluigi Time Secret Lab! It tastes just like real Porcupuffer meat! Really, we promise! Have we ever lied to you?" Waluigi Time explains, adjusting his mustache. "Drizzled with barbecue sauce and accompanied by cucumber slices, it's the perfect cereal for... hating Porcupuffer! Yeah, that's it."
"Tell 'em about the most tubular part!" "Oh, right! All proceeds from Porcupuffer Cereal will go directly to the Vote P for F7 Redux Campaign! That's right, by purchasing this cereal you're directly helping us save Hammer Bros. from a sixth embarrassing year as Worst Enemy! This stuff is only available for a limited time, so rush over to your favorite store and get it now! Love Hammer Bros.? Buy it! Hate Porcupuffers? Buy it! Know someone who hates Hammer Bros.? Buy it in excessive quantities and leave it on their doorstep as a joke! Just feel like spending your money on something for no reason? Buy it! And check out the rest of the Vote P for F7 Redux merch because we've got a whole warehouse full of stuff to fill your house with!"
The Koopa Troopa host returns in protest. "Now see here, you two buffoons are ruining this broadcast!" "No need to be a square, man," Hammond replies. "Why don't you just try it and see for yourself!" Waluigi Time suggests, pulling a small bowl of Porcupuffer Cereal out of his suit jacket, probably making you all wonder how he fit it in there. "Well, alright..." the host takes one bite of the cereal and spits it across the room, probably splattering some poor crew member with used cereal. "This is horrid! What sort of madman are you, peddling rubbish like this? These fish are hardly even edible!" Waluigi Time looks nervous for a second before quickly regaining his composure. "Yes, exactly! See how awful Porcupuffer tastes? What a terrible fish!" "What are you-" "Do you really want these foul fish that can't even be proper seafood having free reign of our fine kingdom's sparkling bodies of water? Of course not!" "Well, I-" "That's why you need to Vote P for F7! Buy our Porcupuffer Cereal today and see how bad Porcupuffer tastes! No other enemy can compare with its atrocious flavor!"
"Anyway, that's all from us. Remember, Waluigi Time wants YOU to Vote P for F7!" "See you on the flipside, dudes!" Hammond and Waluigi Time get on the skateboard and ride off the set, leaving behind the bewildered Koopa Troopa.
Porcupuffer Cereal, the perfect cereal for ruining the reputation of an endangered fish species! Buy it now before it's gone, and help save the Hammer Bros.!
"Vote P for F7 or else! Wahaha!"
Diggin' Up Dirt
Written by: Spooks Booley (talk)
Koopaling Konspiracy?!
This is Spooks Booley, giving you the news that they don't want you to hear. Now pay attention readers, because I got a real doozy for you this time. This one's about those ever enigmatic minions of Bowser's, the Koopalings. You know how they disappeared for a while, right? Then suddenly they show up again and most of them look a lil' bit different. Well, that's when happens when you go into hiding or something for almost ten years, but one of them looked a little TOO different... That's right, I'm talking about Iggy Koopa. Different shell and hairstyle is one thing, but the dude's like three times his old height!
So how do you end up that different?
You DON'T.
Yeah. That's right. It's NOT Iggy. You know where the real Iggy is? He's dead!
Turns out, that's why the Koopalings went and vanished for so long. Iggy died and the rest of the Koopalings ducked out of the public eye. So who's the guy they call "Iggy" now? I spoke to an anonymous, but very real, I assure you, source from Bowser's Castle who explained all the gritty details.
So, yeah, some time after all that Cackletta business went down, the Koopalings were just hanging out, probably talkin' about how Mario sucks or something like that, then Iggy says "hey guys I'm going to the kitchen for some snacks I'll be right back" and next thing you know, he trips and falls right in the lava. So the Koopalings are all pretty distraught and just disappear from the public for years, no kidnapping Peach, no taking over the world with Bowser, no nothing. They're so rattled by the whole thing that eventually instead of moving on they just decide to hire a paid actor to be the new Iggy. After years of training the guy they finally show up again and crash Peach's birthday party, passing him off as the genuine article. Maybe that's why the rest of 'em changed up their looks to make the change less jarring, I dunno. So yeah, the more you know.
So there you have it, straight from a very reliable source. The Iggy Koopa you see today is just some random paid actor! Not a lot of people know, but now you do! And that's why you come to Spooks Booley for all your dirt diggin' purposes. Stay sharp.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 182 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Blooper Race |