Director Notes
October's a nice month. Cool but not too cool, nice autumn leaves, nice Halloween aesthetics. It's a nice month for the paper as well, as we have many special sections for you this month. As for Fake News itself, however, it's quite standard, though I do hope you enjoy it nonetheless.
We do have a couple of new sections, however. Chester Alan Arthur (talk) is introducing The Tattle Blog, Flygon64 (talk) with The Big Cheeses Of The Mushroom Kingdom, and longtime writer GBAToad (talk) with Horrorscopes. I hope you enjoy these sections, both new and old.
Of course, if you what to contribute to Fake News or any other part of the paper, make sure to check out the sign up page.
Section of the Month
It's pretty normal for Section of the Month this month, with Quizmelon (talk) obtaining thirteen votes in first place, Yoshi876 (talk) with ten, and Maximumriley (talk) with nine. Congratulations to our writers, and I hope you continue to vote, vote, vote!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | TV Tomorrow | 13 | 26.53% | Quizmelon |
| 2nd | Obituaries | 10 | 20.41% | Yoshi876 |
| 3rd | Ask Cappy | 9 | 18.37% | Maximumriley |
Inside Look
Written by: Joseph Shoelitzer
Controversy Mires Pageant Debut:
What was supposed to be a night of splendor and grandeur ended in anger, with controversy flaring up at the first-ever Mr Or Ms. New Wikisburg Pageant. What had been an exciting night of performances meant to honor some of New Wikisburg's most colorful members turned sour when the final three were announced. Now, Trip and Goose, everyone expected, both being beloved actors, with Goose, of course, being best known for his role in the long-running drama Rouges in Rougeport, and Trip known for his role in the Killing Game Sagas and his memorable five-episode run in hit sci-fi drama Lost in Space: Galactic Mafia. But everyone was shocked when the final finalist was announced as British Funky Kong, star of the hit comedy Cousin Funky, and also known for having a minor role in Sheep Mafia. The reason this was shocking is because everyone assumed Lightning, best known for his role as Chief Prosecutor in the hit legal drama Law & Chaos as well as a starring role as the nefarious Gold Draggadon in the action serial The Toad Brigade, would finish in the top three. Despite the shocked looks on the faces of both Lightning and the judges alike, the show went on, and, unsurprisingly, British Funky Kong was eliminated and, in an extremely close result, Goose narrowly defeated Trip to win the crown as Mr Or Ms New Wikisburg.
All of this sounds well and good, right? Well, as the closing ceremonies were going on, some of the judges took a look at the score cards and found something shocking. Lightning had, in fact, edged out British Funky Kong and should have been in the top three. Obviously this is a big deal, because, had the correct top three been announced, the end result may have been different. Who knows if Lightning would have put on a stronger final round performance? We reached out to head judge, The Pyro Guy, who had this to say:
It's very unfortunate, what happened, and I take full responsibility. Basically, what happened was a simple tabulation error. The difference in score was very small, and, quite simply, I added the points total wrong, accidentally giving British Funky Kong three more points then he had actually earned. It's a small amount, I know, but it was just enough to tip the balance. Again, it was entirely my fault, and I take full responsibility.
Another judge, who agreed to speak anonymously, gave a less charitable explanation:
A lot of us were very confused when we heard British Funky Kong being given a spot in the final round. I know I certainly ranked Lightning higher. One thing I noted is that TPG consistently ranked British Funky Kong higher than any other judge, and there were few times that his higher-than-average scores for British Funky Kong allowed him to squeak through. And it is, in my opinion a little suspect, that the guy who was constantly ranking British Funky Kong higher then everyone else also made a tabulation error that allowed British Funky Kong to enter the top three.
We at The 'Shroom believe that an investigation is in order. While we have no reason to believe that it wasn't a simple tabulation error that put British Funky Kong into the top three, we also believe that, if this pageant is going to be a long-standing success, errors like this cannot happen again.
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Chester Alan Arthur (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Mushroom Kingdom Hero Accused of Plagiarism:
As the Mushroom Kingdom's hottest movie, The Brave Plumber, reaches the end of its theatrical run, controversy has arisen over accusations of plagiarism. Created by and starring the Kingdom's very own hero Luigi, The Brave Plumber tells the tale of an average plumber who gains the ability to become giant and uses those powers to defeat evil monsters who are destroying Toad Town. Critics found it to be an excellent film filled with suspense and tight action scenes, and this very publication gave it 9 out of 10 Super Stars. In addition, Luigi has been hoisted with awards, including a nomination for best screenplay at this year's Shroomys. But one man has come forward and claimed that Luigi doesn't deserve these accolades, accussing Luigi of stealing this movie from his long deceased grandfather. That man is Mortimer Le Prince III, so named after his grandfather, famous movie director Mortimer Le Prince. Mortimer claims that it was his grandfather, not Luigi, who first penned the script over fifty years ago. We reached out to Mortimer Le Prince, who had this to say:
I was looking through a box of scripts that my grandfather had, and I saw one titled The Giant Hero (title not yet finished) and, upon reading it, I was stunned. It was almost word-for-word the same movie as the The Brave Plumber. Needless to say, I was shocked, then I remembered that Luigi once ghost hunted The Last Resort hotel, where my grandfather was alleged to haunt and I became fully convinced Luigi simply stole my grandfather's work!
We reached out to Luigi for comment, who, while refusing to make a formal statement categorically, denied any allegations of theft and reiterated that this was entirely his own work. We also reached out to Luigi's production company, Paranormal Productions, who had this to say:
These allegations are simply not true. We stand entirely behind the originality of our work. This attempt to defame our movie is nothing more than a cheap cash grab from an obscure and forgotten estate.
These allegations are troubling. As much as we all admire the great hero Luigi, if these allegations are true, the consequences must be severe. For more on this story we turn to entertainment reporters Joseph Shoelitzer and Pit Hoodstein.
|
To tell you the truth, Joe, it's clear to me that neither side here has done their due diligence. On the surface, it does seem to me that Mortimer has a strong case. You can't deny that this script is unreasonably similar to The Brave Plumber. An almost word-for-word match, and even some of the shooting directions are the same, all of it makes it too unlikely this is coincidence. Yet Mortimer hasn't even contacted The Last Resort to get records of his grandfather's stay or Luigi's work in the building to see if he can find evidence Luigi may have learned about his grandfather's script. I can't shame Mortimer too much, not for that mistake or his unwillingness to get the script's age and authorship independently verified. I can fault Paranormal Productions, a million coin production company, for doing such a shoddy job maintaining records of Luigi's drafts, concept documents, pitches, and other records which could shed some light on the development process which went into Luigi's film. If the film was truly Luigi's idea, the company should be able to show us how that idea came about over time. I can understand an average ghost, stumbling upon a script in his grandfather's collections, not knowing how to get the info he needs to make a case, but Paranormal Productions' inability to support their defense with the hard evidence they should have filed away raises serious concerns about their competence. Unfortunately, I don't think it matters much. Unless a grassroots campaign or some kind souls out there intervene on Mortimer's behalf and help him to gather the records he'll need to make his case, I'm sure this will end with Paranormal Productions pushing him into a quiet settlement in court. They'll convince him he can't win, and, knowing they can't, either, they'll strong-arm him into accepting a fraction of what he is owed, and in two weeks, this will drop out of the media cycle. It's a sorry state of affairs, but that's how it goes, with the power imbalance we have between the little spirits and the big companies here in the Mushroom Kingdom. |
|
To me, this is defamation, pure and simple. I've reviewed the scripts and, while I'll agree that there are similarities, I would hardly consider the idea of a hero growing in size to defeat monsters to be an original idea, especially since Luigi himself has said his and his brother's use of Mega Mushrooms was part of the inspiration. Let's look at some facts. While it is true that Mortimer Le Prince was a respected and legendary filmmaker, the truth is that his films rarely made any significant money due to the limited scope of the cinema scene when he was alive. We also have to remember that Mortimer wasn't a businessman; he was a creator, and, because of his lack of business acumen, he constantly shortchanged his ability to make money off his films by signing unfavorable contracts in exchange for funding. So, while in theory the Le Prince estate sounds impressive, we have to remember that it largely consists of low budget films Mortimer made in his later years, films that, while novel, have a very low market value compared to the films whose rights he signed away. In my opinion, this is nothing more then a cash grab by members of an estate that feel shortchanged. Let us not forget that this isn't the first time the Mortimer Le Prince estate has attempted legal action. They also previously sued the film distribution company Mushroom City Pictures, arguing that the contracts Mortimer signed, giving away his rights to his films in exchange for those films to be funded, should be declared null and void and the rights renegotiated. It was a case that ended up being settled for an undisclosed lump sum. Again, I'm not saying that there aren't any similarities between these products. I'm just pointing out this estate has a history of law suits and that this seems like just another cash grab. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Davy Bones
Spooky stuff always seems to happen around Halloween in the Mushroom Kingdom – who would've thunk it – but it seems to be a worrying time for the ghost and ghouls that populate the Kingdom as they always seem to move into the next spirit world, whatever that might be. Perhaps it's The Last Resort, or maybe just a place without 1-Up Mushrooms.
The spooky creature who has passed away this time is none other than Davy Bones, and before you wonder yes that name is a horrible pun on a much more famous sea creature, and no he didn't die out sheer embarrassment from having a repeated name, even though it is entirely what I would do if anyone found out I was simply copying the name of Yoshi875.
Davy Bones sadly died after two apes consistently swing him into spiky walls, as apparently spikes have an effect on the undead. The two nearby apes in the area, Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong, described an awful scene or carnage while they swiftly washed their hands seemingly removing bone shards.
It is unclear what the demise of Davy Bones may mean for the wider community as Davy Jones has the task of looking after the souls of the drowned, whereas Davy Bones perhaps only looked after some eels, and let's be real none of us are heading back to Jolly Roger Bay to make sure that Unagi is still living fine. Donkey and Diddy did say that his death allowed them into Ice World, but who knows what that means.
Residents of Aqua Land have decided not to mourn the skeletal eel, and have designated the spot where its body lies as a natural wonder that should allow coral reefs to flourish. So maybe his death wasn't too bad after all.
Written by: Bubbasour11 (talk)
Hi. It is time once again for Monthly Inquisition, for anyone who did not read the sign above. Today your host is me, Bubbasour11. We will have a great time! So, I will be doing things a bit differently from now on. For instance, I will be using sprites instead of icons and I remembered to put the logo up. Now that I have a better system for this, I can take requests on my talk page. It is very important that it is on my talk page because I am not on the Super Mario Boards or Discord. So, anyway, let's get to the interview.
: Hi everyone. Today I am interviewing… Bobby!
: Hi. It is great to be here. One thing, though, my name is Bob-omb, not Bobby.
: Okay, but everyone has to know that you are from The Origami King, and they won't if we don't call you Bobby.
: Okay, whatever.
: So Bobby, do you like the way the Paper Mario series has changed since the first two games?
: Of course not! Bombette and Bobbery had it good.
: So, wait… what do you mean?
: Well they do not have to… you know, uhm, explode and not…
: I got so teary-eyed at that part!
: Yaah, you are very brave.
: It sucks not to be in the world…
: But you have your body here! You are not a ghost, right?
: Wait! You are right! I came back like in the first two games! I am not a Boo, right?
: Yeah. It just took too long for you to fall down!
: That means my friend is still out there! I need to go find him. I AM COMING!
: Oh, great, now I need to close the show, but we have a lot more time. What should I do?
: Um… That's a good question.
: Sooooooo… At least the building did not collapse.
: Don't we have an ad to play?
: Play it!
: Oh well. I will get better at this. After all, I am just starting. Anyway thank you for reading this little thing I threw together, and have a good rest of your day!
The Tattle Blog
Written by: Oliver Palermshoe
Hello, ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the debuting Tattle Blog, The Shroom's premier source for the Kingdom’s hottest gossip and juicy facts about the Kingdom's wildest characters. Where do I get my info, you ask? I'm sorry, but as a journalist, I'm afraid I can't reveal my sources. Just know that every detail has been 100% authenticated. Anyways, on to this months facts:
- Everyone knows Mario claims to be a plumber as part of his "working man hero" gimmick, but did you know his plumbing license has been expired since 1993?
- In 2013, Luigi's Mansion was revalued as being worth 650,000 coins, but our sources confirmed Luigi only pays on the original 100,000 coin evaluation from 2001.
- You know King Bob-omb, right? Well, turns out his vaunted mustache that he's so proud of is actually a clip-on.
- Despite calling himself King of the Turtles, Bowser is actually a tortoise.
- Our beloved Princess Peach sure loves the blond princess trope, but it turns out she dyes her hair. Her original hair color is red.
- It turns out Toadsworth’s cap is actually a wig. Guess he’s got a bit of a balding problem.
That’s all the details we’ve got for this month. Tune in next month for another sessions of hot gossip.
Written by: Maximumriley (talk)
Dressing With The Stars
Dear Cappy,
Help! It's fourteen days before Halloween and I don't have a costume for Bowser or his minions! If I don't get the costumes soon, Bowser will fire me from my nice job as costume advisor! Can you help me figure out some designs, and fast?
Yours truly,
Jack-O-Goomba With A Top Hat
Dear Goomba,
Well Goomba, I don't want to help the enemy, but I also don't want you to get fired, so I'll help. My first idea for a design is the Koopa With A Mario Mask, because vintage is cool and it may scare Mario enough to lose a life, which is a good thing when Goombas get stomped on all the time. Also, it might bring more candy than other options on this list -- and if so, I am so sorry. My next option is for Bowser to dress up like Peach, because it is hilarious for Bowser to look like the princess he often kidnaps while handing out candy. He could even put on the Super Crown! Wait, no that is a terrible idea. The Cheep Cheeps could even dress up like Super Stars, as those minions are nearly invincible already. All you'd need for that one would be some yellow paint and a good canvas, maybe a Porcupuffer. My final suggestion would be to have the Koopas dress up like Yoshis and then the ones with the Mario masks could ride them! That would be cute. But anyway, if you follow all these instructions, you will keep your job and get tons of candies! Exciting right?
Spookily yours,
Cappy
A SWAAshing Introduction!
Dear Cappy,
Why am I not included in Super Smash Bros? I know you have close ties to Sakurai, so how can we get into the game? I’m willing to use any means necessary. If you don't answer, I'll be forced to use my Special Attack!
You BETTER reply,
Wario's Brother
Dear Wario's Brother,
I know it's you, Waluigi, and I think you are a very overdue Smash Fighter, so I'll help.
My first suggestion is to hire Sephiroth to kill all the other candidates (aside from other assist trophies) so that you are the only one remaining to invite into the game. This may kill any chance of inviting anyone else though, so keep it to just Nintendo characters for now. My next suggestion is to sneak inside the Smash House disguised as Sora, and convince Sakurai that you are in fact the last fighter. You should also distract the Anti-Assist defenses by putting up a Waluigi dummy as a chew toy for the brute. Your final option is to get a Smash Bros envelope and put a fake form endorsing you as a new fighter inside. By the time Smash Bros. 6 comes out, Sakurai will have retired and the new CEO may be more lax about letting you in.
If you follow at least one of these strategies, you will get in to Smash Bros 6, I guarantee it.
Hope this works,
Cappy
Afterlife Arrangements
Hey, I’m a Greenie in Luigi’s Mansion and I need your help! Luigi has apparently woken up and is trying to catch me specifically, and I really can't catch a break. First getting caught in a dusty old mansion where I was not myself, then escaping with King Boo, and now this. Can you help me avoid him this time?
Dearly yours,
Greenie with Sunglasses
Dear Greenie,
While I can't personally relate, I don't want any ghosts to have a fate worse than death, so I shall help! The first thing I'd recommend you do is arm yourself with a weapon and a second pair of shades, and maybe even a shield if you are really that frightened. Using this may stop you from being blinded by Luigi's flashlight, because that is the first step to getting slammed onto the ground and then sucked up, after all. The next thing that you should do is get a powerup like the Fire Flower, and then use it on Luigi or the Poltergust to break it. Then he won't ever be able to suck you up, or at least temporarily not. The final thing I'd suggest is to just not mess with him this time! You may get sucked up faster if Luigi needs to go to the bathroom, but you pop out of the toilet. So do not mess with him, and you can stay free and happy.
Happy haunting,
Cappy
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk) Welcome, foolish mortals, to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown! I am your host, Dr. Waluigi Frankentime! We're celebrating Halloween here, if you couldn't already tell, and we've got some of the creepiest, kookiest, altogether ookiest fighters for the occasion. No, we're not bringing back the Terrible Portrait. Don't worry about that.
Our first contestant was practically made for this match! Give a big hand to the Bloodcurdling Boxer, the Frightening Fighter, BROOZER!
Now this is a ghost who knows the meaning of the word smackdown! These guys really pack a punch, no pun intended, and are even strong enough to break through solid bricks! With their scary laser focus, they're not stopping until their opponent is down for the count. But what about defenses? They may not have the traditional invulnerability to physical attacks that a lot of ghosts do, but they're still very beefy and won't go down easily. I wouldn't want to be between one of these and, well, anything else.
So who's the unlucky fighter going up against Broozer? Please welcome the Reaper of the Ring, the Grim Gladiator, the GRIM LEECHER!
May not look like much, right? Wrong! This spooky little parasite latches onto its target and reverses their movements! It may not have any attacks of its own, but who needs that when they can bewilder their opponents by making them go in the complete opposite direction that they want to? We may not have any bottomless pits to fall into around here or anything like that to make it particularly dangerous, but getting disqualified by leaving the ring is a definite possibility that the Grim Leecher can literally make an opponent walk right into.
It's anyone's match this time around, I say. Broozer is certainly a paranormal powerhouse, but one wrong move and the Grim Leecher could end up with an easy victory. Let's get into the ring and see how things go!
The match is barely able to start before Broozer heads in swinging! You have to admire their drive, if nothing else. But the Grim Leecher is able to avoid it and latches onto Broozer! They look pretty confused as they stumble around the ring, but it doesn't look like Broozer's going to stumble out and be disqualified just yet. Seeing that this strategy isn't quite working, the Grim Leecher detaches. That's a pretty good play in my opinion, if you're going to mess with an opponent's movement you don't want to give them a lot of time to be able to adjust to it. Broozer's back to charging at the Grim Leecher, but before the Grim Leecher can latch onto Broozer again, it's met with a boxing glove right to the face! Ouch! Looks like it's down, and Broozer is our winner!
Thanks for tuning into this extra spooky match, hopefully you enjoyed it! Don't let any ghosts hitchhike with you on the way out. As always, if you have an idea for someone you want to see fight next month, send us your suggestions!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to tracking down my latest creation. It may have gotten away from me... Watch as I disappear!
After getting stuck in the Generic Dark Scary Forest during last year’s October issue, I’m taking no chances, and will be remaining firmly inside all month, in front of my television. Nothing will dare impede my ability to bring this column to you. Not even a Generic Ghost In My Basement, or a Generic Serial Killer Lurking In The Shadows, or a Generic Evil Sofa With Teeth Possessed By A Vengeful Demon. They’re all under control. I refuse to submit to October’s attempts to consume me with spookiness. Here, without fear, are this month’s top three decidedly not generic shows.
Life in the Jungle
MKBC1, 11pm
Genre: Teen comedy-drama
Following the obvious cancellation of the Wacky World of Konkey Dong after it aired just one episode back in December 2019, the Kongs all pulled together to write a new, much more successful series. Life in the Jungle is a semi-autobiographical tale of a society of young primates, and has been praised for both its humour and its frank addressing of themes such as puberty and mental illness; tomorrow’s episode tackles alcohol abuse. It’s a brilliant watch; the only reason not to turn it on would be because of a rumoured deal DK made with a TV exec - that if this show is a ratings success, he’ll get to make another episode of Konkey Dong. So be wary.
New: The Very Small Island
MKBC2, 7pm
Genre: Reality game show
The basic premise of this new show from Shy Guy Studios is simple. Four people are dropped onto a very small island in the middle of the ocean, where they will have to depend on one another in order to survive. It’s a fascinating microcosm of the development of human civilisation. Or at least, that was the original plan, but the Shy Guy execs decided it needed something more, otherwise it would be ‘boring’. So, now there are also a number of difficult physical challenges - such as pirates bombarding the island with cannonballs, as in today’s episode. Who will be the last contestant left alive?
More Paranormal Mysteries of the Mushroom Kingdom
MKBC2, 9pm
Genre: Ghosthunting show
Originally intended to be a standalone miniseries - released in July 2019 for some reason - MKBC2 have pulled Luigi back for another six episodes of his paranormal investigations series, largely because they don’t have enough Halloween films to fill the rest of October. Once again, the frights seem a bit far-fetched, but Luigi throws himself into it; tomorrow, he visits a mysterious printing worksop that only seems to manufacture huge pictures of people’s faces with red Xs over them. Rumours that the whole series is intended to be a terrifying piece of experimental horror fiction are unconfirmed.
Well, that’s October for you. And I’d like to remind you there’s so much more to October than Halloween. I mean, it’s right at the end, it’s basically November. Enjoy the pleasant autumnal breeze, the sweet russet palette, the many fantastic writers of a long-running newspaper celebrating its 175th issue. No need to darken October with the terrors of its final day. That said, looking out the corner of my eye I see that I do now need to go and fight off a Generic Creepy Little Ghost Child. See you next month!
The Big Cheeses Of The Mushroom Kingdom
Written by: Flygon64
New Section On The Block
The Mushroom Kingdom, a very out there place with some interesting fellows. Some debatably interesting heroes. A kingdom with some very interesting villains... that I don't know at all because I got both my hooves planted in the closet of a library in frickin' New Wikisburg. But hey, that's why I'm here to interview them. Well err… the bad guys, those guys get all the interesting stuff and the badass designs.
Hello, and welcome to, The Big Cheeses Of The Mushroom Kingdom. I'm Vid, best writer and only goat-thing, in New Wikisburg. As I stated a mere couple of sentences ago, this whole biz is about interviewing your favorite villains of the Mario Universe/Multiverse. I'll pretty much interview everyone, test me! I'll drive 500 miles to some ghost filled hotel or mansion for this thing. A lady can't live off "Waluigi Time Cereal flavored soggy crackers" her whole life. Also buy Waluigi Time Cereal (My paycheck gets raised 5% every time I say "Waluigi" Time Cereal, hehe cha-ching!)
Show Time
Bowser, pretty infamous dude nationwide. Way back, the Koopa learned some dark magic and turned the Mushroom Kingdom's residents into stone bricks and plants. Then he went out of his way to kidnap the kingdom's monarch, Princess Toadstool. Informally known as "Peach" to many nowadays. Back to the story, after that, a legendary (just believe that for the sake of me ok?) brother duo, Mario and Luigi, went off on a journey to save the princess. They obviously saved her in the end, sending our, ugh, "homeboy" Bowser off in a pretty bad mood. However, that wasn't where he stopped.
After a couple of years, months... days? Sorry, the Mushroom Kingdom treats time as a mere concept to be used minimally to keep our feeble non-fungi mortal minds together. Well, later, I guess, Bowser came back for revenge, kidnapped Peach, sent troops, got his butt handed to him on a plunger, and finally came back home defeated and angry. Ever since those first attempts Bowser has done a whole lot of... errm... "troublesome" things to the kingdom, even some other kingdoms. He kidnapped Peach while she was on vacation on a dinosaur island. He kidnapped Peach while she was on vacation… again, except with this attempt taking place in a mediocre ga- I mean taking place in a more populated tourist spot-y island. He even kidnapped her and took her to space. The Koopa has no limits when it comes to kidnapping Peach.
His relationship with the princess and the brothers is weird, however. They all have played golf together, tennis together, they've even competed in the Olympics together before. Let it be known the Olympics lets in confirmed kidnappers into their games.
(That could actually be a good hook for something, Fake News reporters, write that down.)
Well with that intro, I'm off to go catch my ride. Vid errr… cheese rolling out™.
The Interview
After a long bumpy, hot, definitely safe ride I arrived at Bowser's castle. It's a pretty cool (hot?) place, with spikes and lava and stuff. The lack of safety precautions makes for a great look. The place has all these fancy red carpets, highly flammable cool fluffy stuff. Bunch of rooms with a lot of servants walking here and or possibly, no they couldn't…. there. The servants are very nice to visitors, they only tripped me up intentionally five times!
Anyway I was guided to the room where I'm supposed to be interviewing the king via broom bonking by some nice old lady in purple. With that out of the way here I am, ready to interview the king.
Bowser: H-hold on a second dude, I'm putting on my tie… NOPE NOPE THIS THING IS A CHOKE BRACELET IN DISGUISE GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!
Kamek: My liege, you literally wear a choke bracelet around your neck EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Bowser: G-GAH YEAH YOU'RE RIGHT! THEN I THINK IT'S THE PURE MALICIOUS TACKY ENERGY DRAINING MY LIFE FORCE!!!
*Kamek turns his head towards Vid before he was able to give a snarky reply*
Kamek: My dramatic highness, it appears the interviewer has arrived to talk and well… interview you.
Bowser: When did I say you could call me tha- *Bowser turns his head over his shoulder* HOLY NOSTRIL SMOKE- I mean hello. *Bowser ties his tie fastly but sloppily* You're the question dude from um Stewed Kikisburger, right?
Kamek: All those hours of rehearsal were merely a waste of my limited time in this minus world-ish world. Why do I go on, in this whirlpool of pointlessness, merely for the slight highs? My world is no rollercoaster it's just a straight boring road, a boring plain road strown upon the depths of hel-
Bowser: Psss… bruh come on Kamek that's not on your line sheet, ya silly doofus!
*Kamek just looks down blankly for two seconds and then proceeds to blink and nod*
Vid: … Err I'm… not going to even bother to correct that, may we both take a seat?
*Kamek leads them both to some comically sized contrasting couches*
*Vid, a.k.a. the coolest 'Shroom interviewer ever, sits down on the smallest couch*
*Bowser sits down on the bigger couch*
Vid: Ok let's get the questions rolling.
Bowser: GRAAA BRING IT ON *Bowser stands on his couch and roars*
*Kamek runs into the room at the speed of light with a broom and whacks Bowser down onto his seat*
Bowser: Ouch….
Vid: No worries the pain will start going away once I start hounding you.
Bowser: Are you being honest, Mrs. Brew Leakyburg interviewer lady?
Vid: Yes, I'm a reporter too after all, pff we're all about the truth!
Bowser: Ok shoot those ponderings at me *Bowser turns his head to look at the exit* SEE KAMEK I CAN USE YOUR BIG FANCY WORDS TOO!!!
*A very audible groan is heard down the hallway, well near the end it increasingly sounded more like a screeching banshee but pretty much the same thing*
Vid: Ok here we go.
Q: So what have you been doing?
A: That's what you call an icebreaker? Weak, ever seen FIRE BREATH HUH?! Well, your weak sauce ice breaking aside, I've been hanging out in my cool villain lair. Chilling out drinking *He looks to both sides before leaning in* Chuckola Cola with 1% alcohol *Bowser straightens up his posture and lets out a little squeal* it's really awesome my dude. Here's some fun extra little info to send the readers and that plumber for a loop. After this interview I'm planning on doing a brand new scheme, and ho ho ho, it's very confidential, no one will suspect it at all, nobody will guess it, even with background information and context, it's genius, it starts with a K and ends with a P, guess that you Poochy loving freaks and you too mop face in the red!
Q: What happened to your brother after The Lost Levels?
A: Gra-sorry, can't tell you that. Last time I said anything, I had Miyamoto and Reggie circling around the castle on horses while wearing Mario Halloween masks for 2 weeks. Whilst playing the Super Mario World ghost house theme but pitched down a little with some reverb. That was creepy as darn man… they know how to keep a turtle in its shell.
Q: How is Bowser Junior doing?
A: Just fine without you weirdos asking about him. That aside, he's doing fine playing with those Mechakoopas I grabbed off the floor of the factory that mass produces this garbage. It's a subtle way to teach him how to be a good king just like me, but you know only slightly better than me because no one can even slightly be better than me unless they got my blood, GRAAH *Bowser flexed his muscles* Or um spit or mucus… whatever fluid thingy gets passed down by families.
Q: What are your plans for improving the kingdom?
A: Yelling at the morons I call minions and have them do the dumb work as I sit on my throne being a total genius-
*Kamek intercepts Bowser*
Kamek: Ha, what a joker, hehehe-
*Bowser grabs Kamek by the back of his collar and turns him around to face him*
Bowser: HEY MAN I WAS ANSWERING THE QUESTION!
Kamek: King Bowser I was merely saving you from yourself, millions of your subjects will likely check the paper out and hear you say all of this tyrannical nonsense, you'll be overthrown!
Bowser: Pff sure, you're paranoid, I've said much worse as a matter of fact!
Kamek: My Gloaty-ness, that isn't something to brag about…
Bowser: Woah how to just ignore my point, see Kamek, "buddy" This is not a problem.
*Kamek face palms*
Kamek: You will!
Bowser: Will not
Kamek: You will-HAHA I said the last line so I won the argument!
Bowser: DARN IT GO JUMP INTO A PIT IN 1-1 THE RULE OF THREE!!!
Vid: Well I'm done with you two, bye bye. *Vid gets off her couch and walks away*
Bowser: This will help PR.
Kamek: Cool, I'll just go and check the lava pit and go for a test swim.
Bowser: Nah Kamek I'll have you stay here.
Kamek: Dang it.
The following are three selected interviews Vid had taken with local residents, these are not edited in anyway or matter
Opinions Coming Out Live From The People
Koopa Kingdom, outside of in front of a local coffee shop
: Bowser? Like King Bowser? That guy is great. Worked for him say eh...three years, great leader. Always gave us what we needed and he can really toughen up a troopa. The fella is pretty mean though. Fell in a lava pit once during the reconstruction of the castle, I think the place got totaled by some weird dude a couple-o-years back. Anyway when I fell in the guy called me a moron and left me to die, but he's still nice. Let me tell you for the brute he is… he really knows how to get away from things with those legal papers of his… not like that relates to my previous statement or anything, nope.
Koopa Kingdom, in Boulder Broozer memorial park
: KING BOWSER IS SO FREAKING DOPE! With those massive strong arms, those stone crushing jaws, those massive skyscraper lifting arms- wait I already mentioned his arms, BUT HE REALLY HAS BUFF ARMS!!! Not like I'm uh jealous…
Koopa Kingdom, Chuckola Cola Bar
: Bowser, what a koopa I tell you, ain't that right Captain Shy Guy?
: S-sure hic amazing hic man I'd tell you, isn't that right Barney? He pats a koopa in a trenchcoat on the back
: Barney? Who's Barney?
: You don't know who Barney is?! Barney introduce- oh crud he isn't there!
: You're losing your dang mind Captain Shy Guy…
: Hic lies absolute lies! Captain Shy Guy almost falls off his chair after starting to drift asleep
: How does someone get drunk off soda?
: Someone who's under that [darn] ESRB's thumb!!!
The End
Just like the title says, um exactly right above this text, this is the end. Thank you for reading the first The Big Cheeses Of The Mushroom Kingdom interview. I hope to see you in the next one, now the library is shutting down and they're about to kick my tail out of this closet. This has been Vid signing offewfsvefwefveswfcee
Dang it, come on let me type look uh, return your books and stuff and make sure to study up on your lore? Lore?! Isn't that just history, lore is like for- what?! Um ok look I'm just gonna end it here, bye this has been Vid cheese rolling out™.
No Fourth Falls were hurt during the making of this section
Written by: Merlthazar The Oracle
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Finally, after numerous infinity-level warding charms, prohibited time seals, and magic barriers right down to the simplest of enchanted do not disturb signs... I am free. |
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Finally, sealed away from time and space at the edge of the universe, I can no longer be disturbed by the pursuits of mortals, observing the branches of fate twist and turn as I wish. |
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Finally, the peace of mind I've longed for. |
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…! |
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Blast! What is it, small star child?! I am revelling in my newfound hermit- |
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Just how were these wards broken?! They're meant to last at least two millennia! |
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Oh goddammit. |
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NO ONE PROMISES PHINEAS J. SHOE ARTICLES AND GETS AWAY WITH NOT WRITING THEM! |
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Fine. |
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I shall repay this eons-old debt. Star child, bring me my large tome of phony titles and that connect-the-dots book. Quite literally all the time in the universe, and yet 'Shroom deadlines remain eternal and unmoving! Fah! |
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Good fortune to you readers! I am the Oracle of the Cosmos, Merlthazar. I know not to whom I am speaking, only that our fateful encounter was ordained by the temporal passage of the celestial bodies above you. Yes, that, let's go with that! As bound by my current fortune and definitely not a forbidden pact made with a Goomba in a large shoe, I am here to reveal as-yet-unseen paths before you and hence divine the truth of your ultimate fates as concealed by the depths of space!
…in other words, I am destined to provide Horoscopes monthly from now on.
One may wonder what that entails, so do allow me to briefly enlighten you. The alignment of the stars and planets at the moment of arrival in your world inscribes you with a particular fate. As time presses onward, so too do these celestial alignments shift, bathing you in different cosmic energies to help you reach that destiny. Sometimes your ideal cosmic energy can turn unclear and murky, and when that happens, it's an oracles job to unclog the pipes of destiny and keep the energy flowing. The cleansing wisdom I impart shall drain the cosmos of uncertainty, correct the flow of energy, and flush you even deeper towards your fate!
Take my monthly advice or leave it, it matters not to me. Ohohoho!
Ah, but which stars to read… oho! You want me to use stars relevant to your galaxy? How quaint! Forget them entirely. I'm far more attuned with abyssal cosmic bodies and let me tell you, yours are so last pentamillenial cosmic phase cycle. Even a hermit must keep up with chic cosmic trends. These Fortune And Knowledge Extra-terrestrial star signs shall be your divine guides from now on. To make it simpler for you, O eternally timebound mortals, the day of your birth determines which horoscope applies to you each month. Like your current horoscope, but better!
With your world having just passed the September equinox, this month’s star sign is Alroia, the Starmother. The origin of this constellation is contested by astrologers; some believe this mythological figure was once an ordinary child gifted cosmic powers in a lifechanging event, others say she was spoiled and partook in go-kart races as a baby. Much ink is spilled on this subject, but the one thing they agree on is that she is the bane of any astrologer's existence! Her almighty status grants her the ability to reset the universe whenever she loses a tennis or golf match, throwing all of our temporal clocks out of wack! This is observed in your world as Daylight Savings. She claims her actions are balanced and just, but frankly, they're a collective astrological migraine designed to make me lose precious sleep. Nonetheless, readers sharing this star sign tend to have a sense of balance and justice that cannot be shaken, no matter how many minds, and clocks, need to be changed. Ohoho!
If my universal History of Earth Festivals book is correct, this month's paper will be focused on Halloween and Trick-or-treating. When I walked the mortal plane, I would simply go as a wizard for Halloween to save on costume costs for trick-or-treating, though it gave me exponentially less candy once people figured out I was just a shaman. In my current domain, the only door-knockers I expect this Halloween are those abyssal beasts finally here to purge my impure soul. In light of that, I've divined some seasonally appropriate advice for you from the stars! Disclaimer: Fate is a fickle thing, if my cosmic advice grants you an undesirable outcome, my responsibility is nil, as I am nothing more than a humble messenger of the stars (and it's not like you can make it here to punish me for it)!
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Ignio The Firebrand |
March 21 – April 19 |
Not all of your problems can be solved by ramming into them at full speed, unless you're on a lawnmower and your problems resemble a big pile of raked leaves. Be proactive, and apply this principle to problematic people you encounter; charge at them with a revved up lawnmower while they're distracted, and any issues will resolve themselves and crumble away like crunched up leaves in the autumn wind. |
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Bawrus The Demonkoopa |
April 20 – May 20 |
While the end of the year is fast approaching, continue to steel yourself, remain strong headed and not budge on hard decisions. Even if your family tells you to stop "eating all of the Halloween cookies", and insists you are "ruining Halloween by chasing away trick-or-treaters with a chainsaw" you must not. Must not. Break your resolve. |
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Kalii The Greater Banana |
May 21 – June 21 |
You may find yourself feeling more and more anxious as Halloween approaches. Costume ideas, party invitations, spooky decorations and the obligation to purchase candy all weigh heavily on ones mind. Do not worry, the primary source of your fear should actually be the incorporeal wraith drawing ever closer to you with every passing night. Even so, such anxieties will soon pass you over when the month ends. So long as you don't look them in the eyes. Do not look them in the eyes. do not do not do not do not |
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Warum The Gold Digger |
June 22 – July 22 |
Now is the time to be resourceful, and find the value in unwanted or useless items to help save that extra penny for the upcoming holiday season. For instance, with a little glue, unwanted candy corn can be balled and make excellent ammo to peg at unprepared passers-by. |
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Yosio The Saddle Bearer |
July 23 – August 22 |
This month, try to avoid unnecessary temptations. If a demonic, ominously unblinking eye tempts you with with dark, mystical psychic powers and eternal life spent drifting amongst the stars in a cramped space library of never-ending knowledge and wisdom, tell it to find another sucker. There isn't even a minifridge included. Remember, never take unwrapped candy or wizard powers from strangers. |
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Fulugi The Thunderhand |
August 23 – September 22 | You are in good fortune, as the scent of pumpkin spice fills the air, encourgaging you to take a "limited-edition" chance to focus on just yourself this month. Spice up your social anxiety countermeasures with a seasonally appropriate blend of 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon, ¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg, ¼ teaspoon ground ginger, and ⅛ teaspoon ground cloves. Sprinkle generously at anyone who tries to approach you. |
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Alroia The Starmother |
September 23 – October 22 | This month, try to maintain balance in your life. When trick-or-treating, bring a set of scientific scales with you to accurately divide the candy by weight amongst your friends at every house. They will definitely not hate you for this. |
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Sarasae The Blossoms |
October 23 – November 22 | Omens and bad luck run amok in your path this month, tread carefully as you collect sweets. If all else fails, simply wear a Toad costume. Not even for Halloween, just all month long. Trust me, your problems surely can't get much worse by doing that. |
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Walfugius The Inverted Hand |
November 23 – December 21 | The moment of fate approaches. The hallowed hour for you to fist-fight anyone dressed in a Toad costume draws ever closer. You've been preparing for this opportunity your whole life, do not let it go to waste. |
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Dovia The Ribbonmaiden |
December 22 – January 19 | Maintaining problematic friendships can put a strain on one's health. If you have an axe to grind with your friendship group, abandoned cabins are so en vouge right now; try roping your friends on a relaxing getaway to a dark forest with no point of contact for a 30 kilometer radius. One-by-one, your problems will be whisked away into the misty underbrush. |
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Amanita The Royal Castles |
January 20 – February 18 | Be sure to pause this month, and take piety on your friends from the southern oceans. Particularly, the Australians who have to endure the ever growing days, stormy weather, and horribly forced Halloween thrust upon them by retail outlets trying to sell candy for trick-or-treating occurring while it's still broad daylight. Seriously bugger off you little runts or I'll get the hose. |
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Puchis The Hound |
February 19 – March 20 | Just summon a demon. Tired? Demon. No money? Demon. Overeating? Demon. Stressed? Demon that does massages. Too many demons? Bigger demon that eats all the smaller demons. Hot demons? Now we're in business. |
Ohohoho! Can you feel the spiced cosmic energy flowing over you? Don't be frightened, the stars above shall illuminate your path of candy and sweets as you trick-or-treat this year. Happy Halloween from the end of the universe!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 175 | |
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| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Awards Analysis • Trick-Or-Treating With The 'Shroom • Wahn Special 'Shroom Song • Waluigi Time's Writer Testimonials |