The 'Shroom:Issue 173/Fake News
Director Notes
The awards just passed by, so our section is pretty short this month. I do still hope you enjoy it this month. As per usual, you can sign up for the paper on the sign up page.
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | TV Tomorrow | 13 | 20.63% | Quizmelon |
| 2nd | Ask Cappy | 9 | 14.29% | Maximumriley |
| 2nd | Our Leaders | 9 | 14.29% | Chester Alan Arthur |
Written by: Walter G. Timeson
Medical Industry Faces Uncertain Future Amid Massive Layoffs:
In a shocking twist that absolutely no one saw coming, it turns out that heavily relaxing the standards of the medical profession and giving a medical license to anyone who walks in wearing a lab coat or head mirror may have been a bad idea. Amid increased scrutiny of the medical industry following last month's scandal involving Dr. Goomba Tower, Mushroom General hospital has recently announced that it will be laying off the majority of its doctors by this Halloween. This marks an early end for Mushroom Castle's four-year plan to encourage growth of the struggling industry, and a thorough investigation will be conducted shortly afterwards to revoke unwarranted medical licenses.
Included among the initial layoffs were Dr. Baby Mario, Dr. Baby Luigi, Dr. Baby Peach, Dr. Baby Daisy, Dr. Baby Rosalina, and Dr. Baby Wario, due to skepticism over whether or not someone who had not yet completed preschool could be a competent medical practitioner. (This reporter questions if they should be allowed to drive go-karts either, but that's beside the point.) Dr. Bowser was also included on the list, a move that many have criticized as being biased due to his frequent attempts to kidnap the princess. We reached out to him for comment:
GWAHAHA! Those chumps at Mushroom General think they don't need me? I'll just start my OWN clinic right here in Dark Land! I give it a month tops before they're drowning in Viruses and crawling to me on their hands and knees, begging me to rejoin their staff!
We also reached out to Dr. Petey Piranha, another doctor who is set to be laid off, who had this to say:
NYARGLEBARGLE!
This news has been met with mixed reactions from Mushroom Kingdom residents, most of whom are happy that the medical industry will be subjected to higher quality standards, but there are concerns that a drastic reduction in the amount of practicing doctors will only serve to overwork those who are qualified for the job. Others are simply disappointed that they will no longer be able to see their preferred doctors. We reached out to Dr. Peach, one of the few doctors who has been confirmed to be remaining at Mushroom General, for comment on the current situation:
It's going to be sad to see most of them go. Well, except for Dr. Iggy, we've had to stop him from conducting unnecessary surgery three different times. My concern is that we will quickly see a return to the old state of the industry where there are too many cases and not enough doctors to handle them. The last thing we need is overrun hospitals and overworked doctors.
We also attempted to interview Dr. Mario, though we seemed to have caught him at a bad time, as he merely said "Here we go!" before walking into the operating room.
The medical industry faces an uncertain future, and it may be wise to schedule your annual checkups or any other medical procedures you need done as soon as possible. The 'Shroom will continue to keep you notified of any further developments.
Nabbit
Toad House keepers of the Mushroom Kingdom can relax now that frequent cat… uh… rabbit burglar Nabbit has robbed his last after the dastardly thief died during an attempted heist. He truly didn't know what he was messing with when he attempted to steal from old Zess T., even if she was missing her glasses at the time.
Many were surprised to hear about the news of Nabbit's passing, particularly Luigi, Yellow Toad and Blue Toad who once adventured with him. "I saw him run through enemy after enemy, to hear he's not invincible is quite a shock," explained Yellow Toad. Enemies that he ran through were also baffled by this and are currently experiencing existential crises over their inability to land a hit on him.
The Olympic Committee also put out a statement following the death of Nabbit. It read: "We are still awaiting on the deceased to return as a Boo so that they can send back the gold medals they stole from hardworking athletes like Wario. He didn't spend 0 hours training in the pool to not receive the gold medal he didn't deserve."
Toad House keepers were unavailable for comment as they were throwing a large celebration. This ultimately did not serve them well, as Waluigi ended up stealing a large portion of P-Acorns from them, and can currently be found WAH-ing his way across the skies, seeking out Luigi.
A funeral was held for Nabbit, until the coffinbearers all ran off at high speed. Upon getting caught by Mario, who was bizarrely attending, a series of P-Acorns and 1-Up Mushrooms erupted forth.
Written by: Maximumriley (talk)
Yoshi Protection Services
Dear Cappy,
I need your help right away! Mario’s been punching me in the head and sacrificing me to bottomless pits so often that I need to have monthly trips to the hospital, where he doesn’t treat my injuries and instead tosses pills in my stomach, and that isn’t even counting all the other downright insane things he’s made me do! You’re Mario’s hat. How can you get him to stop hurting me?
Sincerely,
T. Yoshisaur Munchakoopas
Dear Yoshi,
Woah, that is one massive problem I didn’t even know you had until now, so I’ll help you out! The first thing I’d recommend is to find a new owner, because the Toads don’t punch a Yoshi’s head, but instead stroke it, as does Luigi, which could lead to less hospital trips overall. The next thing I’d suggest is to tell Mario to give you a Cape Feather, which would allow you to zoom over pits with ease. This would achieve less broken bones overall. The final thing I’d suggest is to go back to your home of Yoshi’s Island, so you can see your friends again and avoid injury. I personally recommend the third option, because if what you’re saying is true, Mario’s been treating you horribly since 1991! You should relax at your home and see your friends again, because you really deserve it after all Mario’s put you through.
Good luck,
Cappy
Pill Pill Panic
Dear Cappy,
Help me NOW! On Halloween, Furukawa’s going to call the police and tell them that no Mario characters have PHDs, so all our checkups are illegal and we may get arrested! How can you keep me from being stuck in jail?
Help us all,
Dr. Mario Mario
Dear Dr. Mario,
I want to get you out of this horrible situation, and I don’t want to go to jail, so I’ll help. The first thing you can do is to actually get a PhD, but that could take years and we’ve only got 3 months. The next thing you could try is to make a fake PhD, but the cops may realize it’s a fraud and arrest us anyway. We could also hire Kamek if we’re desperate, and he could hypnotize Furukawa into thinking we are real doctors. Last resort: I capture Furukawa and we can become actual doctors while Mario possesses him.
Don’t worry,
Cappy
Super Story Maker
Dear Cappy,
We will revolt! My minions and I are flabbergasted that we are in Super Mario Maker, and it’s a great game, but it has no story and may not be canon.
And as such, we shall stomp you like how Mario stomps us if you don’t reply with evidence of a story in a day.
Hope you reply,
Captain Goomba
Dear Captain Goomba,
I don’t want get squashed, so I’ll give you story evidence. In Mario Maker 3ds, Bowser kidnapped the princess and Mario rescued her. But if you think that is not acceptable, in Mario Maker 2, Peach’s castle gets destroyed by Undodog after he hit a Reset Rocket. Mario had to work hard and get a ton of coins to rebuild the castle by doing jobs. But really now, this does not matter, as the true story is in your heart, wherever it is.
Hopefully you listen,
Cappy
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where we sell Waluigi Time Cereal at the concession stand! I'm your host as always, Waluigi Time. We're celebrating summer this month here at Smackdown, with some very exciting fighters who come from some rather summery locations. Actually, is that a word? Wait, it is? Cool. Alright, well, grab a cold beverage and sit back and enjoy the match!
We have a hot contender here to start things off! Everyone give a very warm welcome to the Solar Sourpuss, the Crankpot of the Cosmos, ANGRY SUN!
Thankfully, this isn't the actual sun, otherwise we would've incinerated everything on the planet trying to bring it here. No one really knows what the Angry Sun is so angry about, but it'll take its anger out on anyone who passes by, chasing them around and swooping down to attack them. If it's feeling particularly enraged, it'll even rain Fire Snakes on the unfortunate people below! This is one contestant that certainly brings the heat!
But who will fight this flaming fury? None other than the Paranormal Predator, the Spook of the Seven Seas, CAPTAIN FISHOOK!
Now you might be thinking that bringing this guy here is a bad idea since ghosts and light don't really mix all that well, but come on. Ghost pirate shark. How do you pass that up? I'll tell you how, you don't, you put the ghost pirate shark in Smackdown. Anyway, we got him on loan from Gadd Science Inc., who were kind enough to include their notes from Luigi's encounter with him. He makes good use of being both a shark and a ghost, possessing his pirate ship and using it to try and eat his opponents! He's not too fond of snacking on explosives, though. We don't have a pirate ship here, but maybe he'll be able to work his magic with the ring itself. Good thing we had it repaired after last month's match.
So what's my prediction this time around? Light alone may be good for disposing of your common Boo infestation, but it only stuns the more complicated ghosts like the good captain here, and only when used correctly. Not to mention that swooping straight towards a shark's mouth probably isn't the greatest idea. If the Angry Sun wants to take home the victory, it's going to need to bust out some additional tactics, and I'm not talking about a Poltergust since I know for a fact it doesn't have one. If not, it just might find itself becoming shark food.
I guess that wasn't really an actual prediction, was it? Oh well. Time for the match!
Captain Fishook starts off by possessing the floor of the ring, somehow creating a face with bits that definitely weren't there before. I don't know how it works, ghosts are weird. Either way, I don't think this is going to be a very effective strategy against a flying opponent. Hang on, where did these ghosts throwing explosive barrels into the ring come from? Well, I guess I'll allow it, but we might have a problem if they start hurling them at the audience. Keep an eye on them, Chuck.
The Angry Sun makes its first move, swooping towards the ring but not actually making contact with the captain! It seems to have gotten a bit too close to one of those explosive barrels and detonated them, though. It would appear that neither Captain Fishook nor the Angry Sun were actually caught in the blast. But hey, now we have ghost pirate sharks AND explosions here on Smackdown, that's pretty cool! Captain Fishook is still doing his thing, moving around the floor and waiting for the Angry Sun to just fall in his mouth, I guess. Now the Angry Sun is detonating the explosive barrels with Fire Snakes! That's not actually doing anything to Captain Fishook! But it's still cool!
I'm wondering if these two just weren't meant to fight each other...
Aha! Fishook is switching up tactics and has depossessed the ring! Unpossessed? He's not possessing the ring anymore, is what I'm trying to say. Maybe I should start keeping a dictionary with me. Er, anyway, the Angry Sun takes the opportunity to attack and swoops right through him! It doesn't seem to have actually hurt Fishook, but he's stunned! Looks like he got the Angry Sun in his eye. Though unfortunately for the Angry Sun, it doesn't seem to have anything to follow that up with, and the captain has shaken it off and is back in action!
Captain Fishook doesn't seem too happy about being stunned, and now he's charging towards the Angry Sun with his hook out, ready to do some damage! A few swipes of his claw and the Angry Sun is down and out! Captain Fishook is the winner!
Well, thank you all for watching this match filled with ghost pirate sharks and explosions, I hope you enjoyed it. Now I kind of wish I charged extra for admission to this one... Uh, anyway, be sure to send in your suggestions if you have an idea for who should fight next month! Alright Chuck, the match is over and the captain is getting antsy, you can get the Poltergust now.
...
What do you mean you can't find it?
Uh, okay, we have a loose ghost shark out for blood now, so uh, I'm out of here! See you next month, I hope!
Let's-a-go Around the World
Written by: RabbidYoshi2 (talk)
Welcome to LAGATW. Before we begin, I'd like to mention that it turns out that I have accidentally sent any vacationers to the wrong place, namely The Underwhere. Whoopsies. Guess that's what happens when you don't do enough research. To compensate for over 100,000 DEATHS!? Has that many people bought tickets to Flipside!? I don't have enough money to make 100,000 whoopsy baskets (Yes that is the compensation)!! All right, I guess I have to rely on, wait for it…
The Mario Bros. Movie is now streaming!!
Watch it now!
Sorry about that. Anyways, I am relying on ads for money now. Nothing can go wrong, right? For today's travel guide, we are visiting Shogun Studios.
Vacation Highlights
The main highlights of this-
The Tiptron Mk. II is on sale now!!
"While supplies last"
The main highli-
Visit Bowser Land today, where the magic happens!!
Okay, I'm starting to regret my decision to advertise various companies. ANYWAYS, the main highlights of this vacation of the various attractions, such as the Tranquil Pipes Teahouse or the Ninja Attraction.
Memorable Locations
One of the me-
Now selling Shooting Stars!!
Buy now at Star Haven Shop!!
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Guess I'll just,
- Cancel partnership with Crazy Cap*
- Cancel*
- Cancel*
- Cancel*
Phew, I think that's all of them.
One of the memorable places you should see is The House of Riddles. It took me 12 hours to figure it out
Local Species & Fauna
I'm not sure if there are any "natural species" though…
YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME RabbidYoshi2!
Wait, did you hear something?
Spectacular Shows
Truly, the main attraction to Shogun Studios is the Big Sho' Thea-
YOUR LIFE WILL NOT while supplies LAST
What in the-?
I AM THE BLACK ADVERTISEMENT. I HAVE BEEN BORN FROM YOUR REGRET FROM ADVERTISING FOR MONEY. NOW, I SHALL RULE THE WORLD, AND I WILL START BY CUTTING YOU INTO 50%!!
Oh boy oh boy OH BOY!!
HEY!! GET BACK HERE!!
Thatsitforthissection Thankyouforreading Untilnexttime Let's-a-go Around the World!! And now it's time for me to a-get out of here!!
(Editor's Note: This was the last we heard of journalist RabbidYoshi2)
When I was checking my work in the sandbox, between Truly and Big Sho' Thea- was in a sort of box-like format. Can you help me fix that?
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it doesn’t resemble either of those things, because it’s a TV Tomorrow article, and TV Tomorrow articles don’t have wings. Still, on a scale of entertainment from 1-10 with 1 being ‘not very entertaining’ and 10 being ‘hugely entertaining’, I think the article scores at least a solid 7, perhaps an 8, where a bird or plane might only score 4 - unless, of course, they were penguins or biplanes, in which case they probably outrank the article in terms of entertainment, both scoring at least 8 surely if not 9. Which just goes to show that wings do not necessarily mean that something is good. They are appendages irrelevant to entertainment value. And now we’ve got that sorted, I’ll get on with TV Tomorrow, wings or no wings.
New: The King of Checkers
MKBC1, 9pm
Genre: Drama miniseries
Yet another series starring Mario as a fictionalised version of himself, the King of Checkers leans heavy on the ‘fictionalised’ side, casting Mario as an orphaned checkers prodigy with supreme talent and a mushroom addiction problem. (Perhaps that last one is less fictionalised but we won’t go there.) The series has received acclaim from the critics who have been allowed to see it so far, and is expected to start a boom in enthusiasm for checkers across the Mushroom Kingdom. MKBC insist that it isn’t at all similar to any programme from any non-fictional universe. Hmm.
Secrets of the Deep
MKBC2, 8pm
Genre: Historical documentary
Presented with the typical overblown narration and unnecessarily dramatic music, Secrets of the Deep on MKBC2 nevertheless highlights some of the most interesting discoveries made about twenty to thirty years ago, and then presents them as if they happened over the course of the programme’s production. This episode takes us down into Jolly Roger Bay, where underwater archaeologists uncover a huge shipwreck and several old treasure chests, which the show treats as if each was Jolly Roger’s famous lost loot, but which are all actually empty, leaving something of an anticlimax. Still, it is at least both informative and entertaining.
Super Luigi Hotel Makeover
MKBC1, 3pm
Genre: Home makeover show
Okay, normally I wouldn’t recommend these sorts of shows. I never see the purpose of watching people having construction work done on their houses. But there’s a charm to tomorrow’s one-off special version of Super Mario Home Makeover, entitled Super Luigi Hotel Makeover, which follows Luigi as he aims to transform a huge derelict once-haunted hotel into a pleasant place to stay. As he tackles the previous owners’ bizarre design choices, including a whole floor full of medieval traps and another one that contains a small ocean, he regrets ever letting his brother talk him into doing this episode. Hilarity may not often go hand in hand with these shows, but it does tomorrow.
That’s it for this month’s TV Tomorrow; thank you very much for reading, or for skipping to the conclusion because you think that’s the best bit for some reason. Of course, as always, please do rate the article on a scale from 1-10. Do remember that wings aren’t as important a factor as society makes them out to be, and also that you must give your answer as a whole number; answering with decimals or fractions will be punished. See you next month for more entertainment!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 173 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
