The 'Shroom:Issue 103/Fake News

Fake News

Editorial
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And, like that, Halloween is upon us once again. The Skeleton War that seemed to have died down has risen from the ground yet again; the dark whispers that once pierced the air have blown into town again; the local supermarket already thinks it's Christmas...

But while you're giving candy to your pumpkin or carving open some tri- WAIT NO DONT DO THAT

While you're giving candy to some trick-or-treaters or carving open your pumpkin (do not confuse those), be sure to spare some time to think about the true meaning of Halloween, which is probably something about Jesus or getting drunk or something.

Have a good night, folks. And remember, if somebody gives you hassle, your skeleton is always there to jump out of your body and beat them up for you.



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The Three Sisters This is Halloween! This is Halloween! And there's nothing more spooky than some ghosts who mysteriously died, especially since ghosts can't actually die, so there's something strange in your neighbourhood afoot.

The Three Sisters died again only a few days ago. Local ghosts reported that the night before their bodies were found in the Haunted Towers that there were strange vacuuming noises coming from the garden, which coincidentally is where their bodies were found. The Three Sisters: Herlinda, Belinda and Merlinda, aside from having boring names, were also some very keen gardeners, for reasons that are completely unknown. I mean seriously, who likes gardening?

And now onto the interview with a vampire part of the obituaries. Our Halloween correspondent, interviewed Professor Elvin Gadd (again), "*random gibberish* It was sad to see the Three Sisters die, but at least they went before they discovered that I was dating them all. *random gibberish* That would have been totes awkward." Mr. O'Lantern also went to interview Luigi, but given his slightly scary appearance, Mr. O'Lantern decided instead to interview a flower. He's still waiting for the first answer to his question.

There was a large debate over whether The Three Sisters should actually get a funeral given that they were dead before they even died. However, after much bickering it was decided that the time had passed and they should instead be left in their current graves.

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Greetings impressionable luddites! I have an announcement to make, that I feel you have a right to know. I am absolutely terrified of music. I hate my job as a critic. The thing I hate most about my job is that THE MAN forces me to refer to myself as a critic and not as a "aural culture enforcer" as I would have hoped, but I also hate the working environment. Because music fills me with a primal terror. I am actually wholly terrified by music. And there is one genre that makes me lose control of my mental faculties/bladder more than any other: VAPO(U)RWAVE. Vaporwave scares me, from the arcane Japanese characters that look like letters but aren't (oh yeah I should mention Japanese scares me, too), to the slowed down elevator muzak filled with jarring sound effects. I moved to the Mushroom Kingdom to escape this encroaching genre, but it's finally here. Now I must introduce you to a new wave. A vaporwave.

Actually that was a joke. Vaporwave isn't a real genre and never will be despite how hard people try, but since I covered Waluigi (with his primary project, the duo Recolored and Distorted) last month I forgot to give my thoughts on the accompanying bonus single by Waluigi's side-project packaged with the "Return to the WAAAsteland". Here are the press notes released along with the single:

''Included in this press package is the first single from インフルエンザ's sophomore album, INF|IN|ITE, 倒れる. INF|IN|ITE, slated to be released in 2016 already has critics raving as the second coming of the Vaporwave musical genre and will boast ten full length Vaporwave tracks! The included single, 倒れる, is, "A Nintendo-themed trip through the dark horrors of our consumerist society," says creator インフルエンザ, excited for the upcoming release!''

Here is my review:

Vapourwave_is_not_a_genre/10

But the single is free to listen to, so make your own decisions:

https://mega.nz/#!TF8kkKDZ!OjLferGVaqKJDXEBch4gQmgAeYXx_ml90DGf4vGgA9o

(This track was actually made by an irl great friend of mine, thanks man.)

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The audience is waiting patiently for the show to start. Suddenly, a voice comes from the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Monthly Inquisition, with your host, NEXandGBX!"

The crowd begins cheering as the curtains come up. They reveal...nothing.

Meanwhile, outside of the building, we can see Nex fiddling with a door. It seems that his entrance was locked. "Well, crud. I was so used to having it UNlocked that I thought I could get in a diddly doo. But no! It just had to be locked!" Nex fires a beam of light in frustration, which burns a hole through the door. Nex shrugs and slips through, hoping nobody would connect that to him. He walks up to the stage.

"Hello, everybody! Welcome to the second episode of the Monthly Inquisition!" Nex says. A tomato is thrown at him for being late. Nex wipes it off. "Heh, hilarious." he mumbles sarcastically. "Anyways," Nex says, as he moves to his seat on the right, "for out interviewee, we have a person so fearsome, so terrible, so mind-bendingly large, that those of you with weak constitutions may want to leave the audience. A Toad gets up and yells "I've gotta get outta here!"

"Too late!" Nex shouts. "Ready or not, here he comes. Quake with fear, you mortal fools. Bow down before the awesome might of..."

Bowser crashes through the wall of the stage.

"...this huge guy who is carrying the real interviewee..."

Bowser turns around to reveal that Luigi is tied to his back.

"...Luigi!"

After getting Luigi untied, he sits down in his spot as Bowser leaves through the hole he created. Nex opens up the interview with "So Luigi, I know you live a fantastic life. You're popular, powerful, and even got a whole year dedicated to you. How do you think you got to where you are now?"

"Well," Luigi replies, "I'm not entirely sure when I started to become successful, but I think it may have started after I won that mansion an-"

"Wait, you won a mansion? WON A MANSION?!" Nex exclaims. "Yep!" Luigi replies, "And I didn't even have to enter a contest."

"Hm, well, if you win something you didn't even enter, it may be a good idea to just block that number on your phone." Nex states, "But free stuff is free, I guess."

"Absolutely!" Luigi says in a happy tone "Considering how I never win anything, that seemed like a really lucky break!"

"Seemed like," Nex replies, "and then ghosts happened."

"Yeah, that was what I probably should have expected." Luigi says "But it definitely worked out in the long run."

Nex asks, "I guess that's because your brother was in there and you got a fat sack of cash from it?"

Luigi replies, "Bingo! Oh ho ho ho!"

"That reminds me," Nex says, "what exactly do you think of your brother? After all, you were in has shadow for a long time."

"Well, I always try to stay by his side in the good and bad, and I always wish I can be more like him." Luigi replies.

"Wow... that's deep." Nex states. "So I guess that you have quite a lot in common with your big bro."

"Yep! Hobbies, foods, you name it!" Luigi says.

"Cowarding skills?" Nex wittily replies.

Luigi fires a slow moving fireball at Nex in anger. It barely even grazes him before disappearing.

"Well," Nex says with a blank expression, "at least you didn't eat me. Anyways, that's all the time we have for today! I hope you all enjoyed the sh-"

The audience is gone.

"Oh boy, did we run it over the time limit?" Nex says. "Well, you did start a bit late" Luigi responds. "True." Nex replies.

Luigi walks out through the hole Bowser made in the wall, as a working Koopa gives Nex a check with his pay.

Nex takes a glance at the sheet and shouts "Only 57 dollars?! I'm totally contacting my manager about this!"

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As it is October, the official month of Halloween, I decided to visit a spooky shop I'd only heard about through word of mouth. It was located at the top of a hill in the middle of a dark forest, and was often said to be haunted.

By the time I got there, I could easily tell why people thought it was haunted. The door creaked open before I even pushed it; at many points during my visit the walls started oozing a red substance; furniture seemed to walk around by itself... all very spooky.

Also, it was owned by a ghost. Namely, Mr. Boojangles because he's the Boo from Luigi's Mansion with the funniest name. He sold various spook-related paraphernalia.

When I asked him about the Blood Block, he didn't seem to react. "I'm sorry, sir, I have no idea what you're talking about."

I replied, "It's clearly listed here. 'Blood Block'."

"SIR, WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE BLOOD BLOCK, ESPECIALLY NOT IN CAPITAL LETTERS OR BOLD TEXT!"

He realised his mistake, sighed, and said "Follow me."

At this point, he pulled one of the bookcases forward to reveal a secret passage, grabbing a torch. At the end of the passage was possibly the most horrendous thing I've ever seen...

Blood Blocks were stacked from the floor to the ceiling - there must have been thousands.

"A strange wizard with a large nose sold me these. He said they had special properties but...but they were just normal Brick Blocks p-painted red!" He burst into tears. "I bought them all, and now I've got nothing left! I've lost everything! Well, except my shop...and my family...and my house...but I had to give up my subscription to The 'Shroom."

This in particular outraged me. "Well, if there's anything I can do to help..."

"I might need some mone-"

"Bye." I knew when I wasn't needed, and I ran out of there as fast as I could.

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Thanks to (Forum profile) as well as some assorted people I bugged in chat for themed questions for me to manipulate for asking questions again! As always, if you seek my flawless advice, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page! If you would like for there to be a doodle with the response to your question, feel free to request so and I'll see what I can do. http://i.imgur.com/d0nEXDV.png