The 'Shroom:Issue XLIV/Fake News

Fake News

Director's Notes
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If you want to write for us, please follow these instructions:


 * 1) Find the section you’d like to write. The current openings are for Fake Weather and Character Battle. Character Battle requires image editing skills.
 * 2) Get an account on the forum. Don’t worry, it’s free. When you sign up, do not use a Gmail account. It will treat the activation message as spam and you will be unable to receive it.
 * 3) Send me a private message (my name is Sharks Territory on the forums). You can do so by finding my account name or just clicking this link.

After you send me the message saying you want to write for the Fake News, I will send you the questions you need to answer. Please remember that the current open positions are Fake Music, Fake Shop and Character Battle. After sending me your section, the other ’Shroom staff members and I will look at it, and we will make sure your section is good to go. After that, you’ll get a reminder each month telling you to send in your section.

I would also like to commend New Super Mario for learning how to format properly. I showed him how last month and he has done a great job since then. Keep up the good work!

Travel Guide
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I'm tired of advertising upscale resorts filled with sunshine, so I'm taking a different path this month: go to Twilight Town! Those of you with sensitive skin or a fear of skin cancer will have no problem here! It's pretty dark. Unfortunately, this area lacks many people, and most of the people that do have no personality at all. It's a very glum place, good for emo introverts.

*ding dong*

*oink*



We also have fresh bacon served daily at our five-star buffet! Our bacon is so popular that our recipe is top-secret! Actually, the secret ingredient is...you.

Yes, capitalism has caused Twilighters to use a terrible curse for financial gain.

Fake Music
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BPK has been extremely busy and will send in his section ASAP.

Fake TV
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How do you think the Toads of the Mushroom Kingdom get their news? Do you really care? Well, you’re going to find out, whether you like it or not. Introducing Mushroom Kingdom World News-the news station of the Mushroom Kingdom. This news program is presented by Toadette and Toadbert. This news station broadcasts every weekday from 5AM to 10AM on the channel Shroom Station. It covers news from around the Mushroom world, such as recent happenings, travel news, celebrity news, weather and the like. Apparently 10,000 Toads watch it every week. It also hosts competitions regularly, usually asking the viewer an obvious question where the answer is usually B. Toadbert sometimes falls asleep on air, so usually he has to be hit with a large mallet in order for the show to continue. Sometimes they just hit him because it’s fun. The show also usually has special guests who are apparently famous, such as Mario and the first Goomba to appear in Super Mario Bros. Finishing up, this show is good to watch early in the morning, because the shows on the other channels are worse.

Fake Games
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Greetings, readers of the Shroom. Before I begin with this month's game review I'd like to apologize for the lack of a review last month. I was held hostage by a certain company up until a few days ago. But anyways. After Nintendo was confident about Mario Sports Mix' success due to my last review...

...

... I'm sorry, I just had a minor relapse. Anyway. After Nintendo was confident about Mario Sports Mix' success due to my last review, Nintendo and Square decided to work together for another game. This alliance spawned a game called Final Fantasy XV - Drains of Fate. I found a concept paper for this game in the warehouse they imprisoned me in. So, being bored to death I started reading it. Little did I know that the title "Drains of Fate" was to be taken literally...

Story
The story of this game is set in a universe that lies parallel to Mario's universe. Either that or it is set in the distant future. I can't really pin it down accurately since it is pretty vague. After having played this game for almost eighty hours I'd say it could even be both. Anyway. The world is in desperation because an evil wizard lady, the Randomancess, laid waste to the planet and conquered everything. She held that cruel tyranny up for several decades, until in one fateful moment she foolishly traps herself in her own palace. And because the Randomancess' hair is shaped like as if she taped a bunch of giant pretzels on her head, she doesn't fit through any doors, which means the world is free once again. A mysterious young girl named Pīchi grows aware of this and decides to use her knowledge of the arcane to mysteriously construct and/or buy a time machine and travel to the future to make sure the present never happens. Yeah, she doesn't have a firm grasp of logic, but fortunately the time machine was set to reverse when she started it, so Pīchi ends up in the past anyway.

In the past she meets a young guy named Mario and his hot-blooded childhood friend and rival Bowser. After a two-hours long unskippable cut scene of both of them sparring, the two guys and the mysterious girl agree to save the world from the evil Randomancess, but not before they go out and eat in a Chinese restaurant. During that trip a fortune cookie tells Bowser that he will become the main antagonist of the first arc, which he promptly does. Mario and Pīchi then aimlessly travel through the land beating up random rogues and animals for no apparent reason. Along the way they meet a lady with a sword called Daisy. Yes, her introduction line was "Hi, I'm the lady with a sword called Daisy", so I can't say whether the sword or the lady is called Daisy. Let's just assume they are both called Daisy. What the group doesn't know is that the evil Randomancess sent a part of her soul into the past and Daisy is actually this soul fragment in human form. Or maybe the soul possessed her when she was a child. Or maybe the soul fragment had a daughter and she is... Oh god whatever, just note that she is evil somehow. Anyway, Daisy presses the group to visit a wise old sage in a tower, and since the group obviously doesn't have anything better to do, they go to said tower. Inside it they meet Bowser and both sides prepare to fight, but suddenly an old man appears and offers them cake. The cake seems to be spiked however, since everyone soon falls into a deep and long sleep after eating it.

The group suddenly awakes a hundred years before falling asleep. The old man from earlier (or later, I lost track some time ago) reveals that he is the great sage Luigi, and everything the heroes ever knew and loved is a lie. He explains that the reality they came from is a mere fabrication planted into their heads by years of brainwashing disguised as weather broadcasting. He also explains that they must all go to the future and prevent the execution of the Randomancess because she is actually good and everything is a huge scheme thought out by the real villains. Oh, and she is also Mario's mother or something. Anyway, Bowser apologizes for betraying Mario and asks if they can be super best buddies again, to which Mario instantly agrees. Whatever. All together then walk over to a time machine parked in the garden of Luigi's tower, but before they can get in, Pīchi trips over a clump of unfortunately positioned oxygen which causes her to lose the keys. However, she loses the keys so hard that they fly through the air and end up on the other side of the planet. Oh yeah, and shortly after that Pīchi gets abducted by space pirates. Naturally, Luigi's tower is actually a disguised rocket, so the group quickly travels back and uses it to give pursuit to the kidnappers. That is until all of them are swallowed by a giant intergalactic sand worm...

If you managed to read all of that up to here, congratulations, you lasted longer than the guy who was supposed to guard my prison. The poor soul's head exploded when I got to the part with the lost keys. I can't say I planned this to happen, and I can imagine more pleasant ways of kicking the bucket than "death through confusing story-telling", but I can't deny that it opened a great opportunity to escape. So quickly, before any more guards who might have heard the explosion approached, I made my getaway through a plot hole. And that is why I am able to tell this story today. In case you are wondering, the story doesn't change that much after that, it stays as confusing as it has been. Oh yeah, the Randomancess is really evil after all, but also acts as a seal to a reality-devouring eldritch abomination who is actually Pīchi's father. Maybe.

Summary
To conclude my review,  Final Fantasy XIV - Drains of Fate is really great. The storyline has just the right amount of confusion and nonsense to create that distinct acidic effect when telling someone about it. I have tested a lot of products, but this one stood out among all of them. Never has an escape from an enemy base been more smooth and comfortable. Have I forgotten something? Oh, yes. As a game, it sucks.

And with this issue, I will take a break from my Shroom duties to take care of some other stuff. It was nice writing this section. I'd like to thank everyone who took their time to read it every month, and also for supporting my section during the MarioWiki Awards.

Thank you for your patronage. =3

Fake Police Blotter
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 * Who: Bob-omb agents from Fahr Outpost
 * Where: Koopa Village
 * When: 6:31 PM Mushroom Standart Time
 * What: An act of terrorism(blowing up a giant Koopa statue)
 * Why: Bob-ombs claimed to be treated unfairly by Mushroom Kingdom agents

Today tragedy has struck Koopa Village. The great statue of Commander Koopa, a Koopa Troopa who fought for Koopa independence, has been blown up by radicalized Bob-ombs. Three famous Bob-ombs have things to say about this.

King/Big Bob-omb: Excellent... er, I mean it's excellent you're hunting so hard for the terrorists. I think they did a *cough*great job*cough*...er, I mean a terrible act. Brains must be frozen from all that cold. I hope you, er, I mean they are caught and are punished cruelly and unusually.

Admiral Bobbery: Oh, this is terrible! I didn't know me friends would do such a thing! Most bombs a- there arrr very mild-mannered. Certainly these madmen were not sent by the government! Catch 'em, Toads!

Bombette: Oh, my! Why would a Bob-omb do such a thing? I only blow up when a very hard rock is in my way and I need to blow it up. But other than that I leave my fuse alone! I hope you catch those jerks, sweetie!

Mushroom Police Chief Scorpion999
 * sniff* Sorry, I'm a Koopa myself. We have employed our finest agents to discover the terrorist organization responsible for this.

Fake Cooking Guide
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BMB is participating in a school play and will send in his section ASAP.

Fake Ads
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Good morning everyone!

Why am I wearing this Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses, and holding a briefcase you ask? Well you see, this month's adverisement is : TICKETS TO PINNA PARK!

*everyone cheers*

Yes, I know, we here, at the Shroom apartment complex, are selling you mindless readers tickets to the glorious Pinna Park. Let me go over some attractions for you.

Outside the park, you can see the various wildlife, including giant Snooze-A-Koopas and weird flying bug things that like to impersonate Italian men. If you're unlucky enough, there might be a deranged mole blasting you with missiles.

Inside the park there are numerous attractions. The first one is this fun clam ride. You sit inside the clam and hope not to get eaten.

Next we have a carousel...with a missing seat... I heard rumors that if an orange Yoshi were to stand at that exact spot, it will become part of the ride.

We have this pirate ship that goes in complete circles and there is this fantastic ferris wheel that is a pain in the ass to get to. Cheesy If you manage to get on the ferris wheel...be sure to tighten your seatbelts...if there are any...and make sure to bring plenty of paper bags for..."items" you may lose during the ride.

And finally you can ride the park's best attraction: a rollercoaster where you have to fight a giant mechanical turtle that shoots flames and missiles. No wonder why those who survived dubbed the coaster "the ride of their life".

So come on today, pack your bags, and make sure you have approximately 717 coins to pay for each ticket. Cheesy

Fake Interview
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BMB is participating in a school play and will send in his section ASAP.

Fake Sports
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The  were held on the MSS Sea Star last weekend. A thrilling fight to the finish was contested between Yellow Magikoopa and Green Noki with the Magikoopa coming out on top after Green Noki missed a shot at the 10-point space that would've given her the win. The Noki then murmured something that only the other Nokis could understand, as they are wont to do. The ship was then left without electricity and hot showers for three days following a fire in the boiler room, leaving the contestants to eat each other pop-tarts and spam that was airlifted in. The Sea Star finally landed at Goomba's Booty Boardwalk, where the patrons departed and learned that a Pirate Goomba is a Pirate Goomba.

Fake Weather
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I looked out my house. It had snowed! I was so happy so I decided to tell you guys. It really hasn't snowed, but that's why it is called Fake News, duh! I also saw the turkeys migrating (if they do that) to Florida. I shot one with a 22' Rifle for Thanksgiving. I actually don't have a 22' I was making that up too. Now back to the good stuff. In today's Real Fake Weather it is very cold in the Marioverse. Lumas had to start wearing pants and Birdos kept choking on snowballs. Bomb-ombs freeze before they explode, and worst of all I can not do my interview with the Scuttlebug now like I promised you guys! Well I bet many of you are also excited for the end of the year events in The 'Shroom, but it looks like all that has taken a turn for the worst in my lovely and creative mind. The gameshow that they planned to do caused an earthquake which made the Toads go crazy. The flag contest winner made there flag so big it caused an eclipse, and that new mafia that Tucky made everyone die because he didn't give any info on it. Drumroll please......... Da da da da da da dum. DA DA DA DA DA DA. "Ok you can stop that now!" Advertisement Time! Do you have an idea for me? Well you can just PM me on the forum and give me ideas for my sections. Also I like reviews. Have I been doing these Fake Weathers pretty good? I don't care if you give me a bad rating. I take criticism very well unlike Cat from Victorious. But it you do give me some, give me and idea on what you think might make it better. This is New Super Mario saying Goodnight!

Fake Characters
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Dyego has been very busy with school and will send in his section ASAP.

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Princess Octopus
Princess Octopus is an octopus with a crown. She is the heir to the throne of the Octopi Kingdom. She looks like a regular octopus, but she has a crown which resembles that of Princess Peach. She currently resides in a galaxy called Twisty Tentacle Galaxy with her husband Paul the Octopus Prince Octopus (duh). Some people call her ugly, but there are no mirrors underwater so she thinks she isn’t. Princess Octopus will be appearing in Super Mario Galaxy 7, where she will be under attack from the evil eel Frank. Frank was once in love with her, but he is creepy, so she declined his request for marriage. Mario needs to throw 18 irregular-shaped watermelons at him to kill murder behead massacre decapitate Falcon Punch defeat him. When Frank the evil eel is defeated, the princess will reward Mario or his butler brother with a Star. She doesn’t appear again until the end of the game, where she is served as sushi.

Ask Tucayo
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Hello dear readers! I am your handsome writer, Tucayo, with a new issue of Ask Tucayo! This month I got 4 questions again, which I think is good, but I would want MORE! So if you have ANYTHING that you would like to ask me, just ask it via forum PM, or send me a tweet @TheShroom. So now let’s go to our questions!

'''Now that baseball season's over, which sports will you watch during the winter? Which ones are shown the most on TV in Mexico?''' -Ralphfan

Hello Ralph! Well, there are 2 questions, so, to answer the first one, I will definitely watch the NFL, especially now that my Raiders actually have playoff chances :3 And to answer the second question, the most shown sport here is soccer, especially Mexican league, Premier league, Liga A and LFP. NFL also gets a decent amount of coverage.

'''Tucayo, so I opened this package I got from Nintendo and there was a time bomb inside. I only have 3 minutes to deactivate it. Which wire do I cut? Please hurry.''' -Gamefreak75

Hi Gamefreak! Well, it took me over 3 weeks to reply, so you are probably dead by now, but I’ll answer this question anyway, because I am a good question answerer. Now to the question. You didn’t tell me which wires you have, so I’ll guess it is red, green, blue and yellow, as in most movies. Next, in the movies they always cut the red or the blue, and either die or survive (how obvious, but it is the truth). So, I recommend cutting the green one. Why green and not yellow? Well, because I like green better. Or you could send an email to Nintendo to know which one to cut. Never mind that, it won’t work. Cut the green one.

Can I get your Wii when you die?

Do you have a strong interest for Poochy? -Spyro the Legendary Dragon

Of course! Poochy is the best that could have ever happened to the Marioverse, and whoever disagrees will burn in Bowser’s Castle. >Smiley

After Koopas, which is your favorite species? -Anonymous

Another anonymous one :O I guess you mean Marioverse species, but in case you don’t, I love dogs and lions. Now, Mario species, it has to be the Yoshis, I love them they are so cute ^_^

And that was all! Remember to PM me your questions!! BYE!