The 'Shroom:Issue 105/Fake News

Fake News

Editorial
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Welcome to a special Holiday edition of the Fake News and Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings, Happy New Year, Happy Birthday Isaac Newton, etc. This year, I've learnt that doing all of your Christmas shopping on December 24th is truly the smartest way to do things.

2015's drawing to a close and it's been one hell of a year. Lots of ups and downs... high and lows... lefts and rights...?

I really can't think of anything else to write here. My imagination must've finally died. Have a great 2016, and I'll see you next year!

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Santa Claus Time always changes things, last month I was singing the praises of whoever killed Pink Gold Peach... I mean mourning, probably. But this month I have to start on a very sombre note. Not going to sugercoat this, mainly because sugar may be in poor taste here, but Santa Claus has died. Now I'm sure many of you have guessed that this means Christmas is ruined... and you're right. Christmas is 100% ruined, and no-one is going to be delivering any toys, on the bright side if you brought someone a shoddy gift, you don't have to give it to them anymore.

Now, I'm sure the first question on many of your lips is "Should I get a refund for these last minute batteries now?" "How did he die?" And I can safely say that it was the result of a sleigh accident that resulted in him being... sleighed. Numerous reports stated that his sleigh was swooshing and turning and tumbling which led many to suspect that he was a bit tipsy. Blood cultures that were released by forensics earlier today indicated a blood level so high that it could only have been attained had someone been drinking alcohol from billions of house for hundreds of years, or had been on a pub crawl.

The funeral has attended by hundreds of elves, as well as esteemed members of the Mario series, such as Mario, Toad, and someone who prided himself on heavily resembling the deceased: Smithy. The process nearly went without a hitch, it was only when they had to push him down a cremation shaft they had to determine if previous occupants had been naughty or nice.

Now, I'm sure many of you remember at the start of this, I mentioned how Christmas had been ruined, but thankfully it's been unruined, as the man on the left has bravely accepted the job. No-one knows his qualifications, or anything about him, but it can be assumed that he'll do a bang-up job... or just a normal bog-standard job... or a really bad one. Let's hope for the former folks.

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Hello, discerning music lovers! This is a very special occasion, as I get to review the 1994 holiday classic "Songs About Bones" by Dead Bones. Why am I reviewing a 20 year old album? Because it's being graciously reissued (with bonus tracks, of course)!

Dead Bones is a bit of an oddball in the electronica scene of which he's worked quite a niche for himself. For quite a while, his recordings were only available to purchase via a mail-order, and only as mp3 files on a 100 MB zip disk. A fair weight of the zip disk's storage was occupied by some dozens of very compressed pictures of Dead Bones' personal belongings, presumably for insurance documentation purposes.

It's shorter album, with only three movements in the suite.

1. Christmas in Late November - 8:55 2. Santa Had Better Like 2% - 14:01 3. Pet Stockings - 8:21

The album's biggest weakness is how well it's aged. Dead Bones' insistence on referencing then-topical events, such as the brutal hit-and-run of a local Toad on Black Friday, who was trying to secure a Christmas present for his son. This of course turned out to be a very misinterpreted report of one of Mario's yearly karting events, so most of the punch from the track is gone. Pet Stockings is the real Christmas standard of the lot, though. The fantastically heartwrenching track of the loss of a family pet still hits home today. What you don't get from listening to the album version of the track (as opposed to the radio single) is the extra ~4 minutes of reindeer field recordings that really brings the whole thing to a fantastic close.

Despite the albums weak points, this reissue is still worth a buy if you are a fan of holiday staples or got rid of your zip disk drive.

7/10

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NEXandGBX walks up to the stage after entering through the (still broken) entrance to host his Monthly Inquisition. He sits on his chair, though upon seeing Stargazing in the audience, he promptly falls off. Nex lets off a sigh and says "Yep... same as always..." while climbing back on. "Ahem... anyhow, welcome to the Montly Inquisit-"

A Shellcreeper in the audience bursts in laughter saying "BAHAHAHAHA! DID YOU JUST SAY MONTLY INQUISITION?!".

"Yes... anyways, welcome to the MONTHLY Inquisition. I'm your host, NEXandGBX. Just call me Nex." Nex speaks loud and clear. "Today, on our third episode, we've got a guest of a particularly common species around these parts. Though they're weak, they've got quite a bit of versatility. Ladies and gents, welcome the humble Goomba!"

A Goomba walks up slowly to his seat and sits down. "We've got translators at the ready..." Nex explains.

"Hi, uh, I'm Steven. I'm a Goomba who works for King Bowser Koopa." The Goomba introduces. In shock, Nex shouts "Whoa, you can speak?!"

"Yes, I can. All Goombas do. We just make those noises in an attempt to scare the pesky plumbers away." Steven replies. "Though I'm on my winter break right now."

"Wow, Bowser doesn't seem like the type of person to give anyone a break." Nex states. "Anyways, what are your plans for the holidays?" Steven just imitates walking on his chair. "...practice walking?" Nex says a bit confused. Steven nods.

Nex gets out of his chair. "You know, what exactly is your plan for stopping the Mario Brothers?"

Steven replies "Yeah, I can run ya through. First, our usual method is just strollin."

"Strolling?" Nex says. "And that accomplishes...?"

Steven jumps up and says "A lot, actually! For one, it's refreshing. Secondly, we sometimes end up hurting our prey!"

Nex thinks to himself "Your prey, huh... you seem more like the prey to me..."

"Thirdly, it opens the door for MORE strategy!" Steven finishes explaining. "What kind of strategies you ask? I'll tell ya! You know those walls? Yeah, we actually turn around when we bump into those. Gives us a better chance of catching him off guard."

"I see..." Nex replies. "But what about you guys jumping down pits? What's that all about?"

Steven starts to explain yet again. "Well, they could be hiding anywhere! I can't count the amount of times I've seen comrades get squashed because a plumber was in the pits."

"Sometimes, I see you guys chasing after them instead of walking in a line. Why don't you just do that?" Nex asks.

"That's unofficial strategy!" Steven shouts. "I, for one, follow Bowser's order and only his!"

"But if that's the case, why are you answering my questions period? These are technically orders, since it is an interview and all." Nex asks.

"I, uh... not important, anyways, I'll set up a demonstration!" Steven replies. He calls upon five Hammer Bros. Three of them move the stage props, one makes a small brick wall, and one smashes a hole in the stage's floor."

Steven then begins walking to the left, right near the wall. The crowd, Nex, and the Hammer Bros all begin to watch. Upon running into the wall, Steven turns around. The Shellcreeper in the crowd (same one as before) shouts "WOO! GO STEVEN!" as he raises up his Pepsi cup.

Steven then proceeds to walk to the right, into the pit.

Walking...

...walking...

...aaaaand dead.

The crowd leaves in disgust, the five Hammer Bros walk out the exit back to Bowser's castle, and Nex stares at the hole.

"Ooooh, this is bad. This is very very bad..."

To be continued...

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Thanks to (Forum profile),  (Forum profile) , and  (Forum profile) for sending in questions, especially MK for doing his best to bring me some holiday cheer!!

As always, if you seek my flawless advice, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page! If you would like for there to be a doodle with the response to your question, feel free to request so and I'll see what I can do.