Reptiles in the Rose Garden



Reptiles in the Rose Garden is one of the episodes of The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3. The plot is that Wendy O. Koopa (known as Kootie Pie Koopa in the series) has recently had her sixteenth birthday. However, her greed has caused her to want much, much more than what she has, dissatisfying her with her presents. When her father, Bowser, asks her what she wants the most, she promptly screams "I want AMERICA for my birthday!" King Koopa is loathe to give her her wish, his reason being "But America's in the Real World!"

But it's either that or put up with incessant whining, so he eventually gives in. Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Princess Peach catch sight of Bowser's Doomship headed for the real world, but his Koopa cronies capture them before they can do a thing about it. The Koopalings and their dad fly (somehow) to America and warp the White House to the Koopa Castle (George H. W. Bush doesn't notice, he's on the telephone). Wendy then calls a press conference to recite her new "laws", which includes such far-out rules such as: All kids must give her all their toys. Any handsome boy who does not take her out on a date will be turned to stone. And, all the gold in Fort Knox will be melted down to make her an infinite supply of charm bracelets!

At Bowser's Castle, Peach provokes their Hammer Bro. guards into a fight, using the crossfire to cut off their chains off. Mario puts on a Frog Suit to swim down to the White House, which Bowser inadvertently warped to the bottom of the Mushroom Sea. After arriving and being mistaken by Barbara Bush for a member of the Secret Service, he goes to the basement, attaching pipes, putting them out the windows, and propelling the White House to the surface of the water. The Mario Bros. then disguise themselves as Hammer Bros. to sneak aboard the Doomship (which has returned to their world before returning to take over Paris, London, and Brooklyn), but their disguises fool no one and they soon find themselves fleeing angry Sledge Bros. Mario, though, is still able to make it to the engine room, where he warps the White House back, but sends it to the top of the Washington Monument! Fortunately, he is able to correct it, sending Wendy back to where she belongs into the bargain. When she blames her dad for letting the Mario Bros. spoil everything, he finally gets fed up with her and commands her to do her chores.

Transcript
(The curtain rises on Grass Land and the title is shown.) (The episode opens to an establishing shot of Castle Koopa. In the throne room, which is full of presents, balloons, and streamers, Kootie Pie is whining and throwing stuff out the window.) Koopa: But Kootie Pie, we plundered the whole Mushroom Kingdom, to get you the best gift a Koopa could steal! Kootie Pie: It's not enough! Koopa: I know you're a teensy bit upset, Kootie Pie. (Kootie Pie kicks her birthday cake out the window and continues her whiny tantrum.) Koopa: Just tell King Daddiums what you'd really like for your birthday! Kootie Pie: (stops whining) America! Koopa: But Sweetums, America's in the "Real World"! Kootie Pie: I don't care! I want America for my birthday! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! Koopa: Alright Babycakes, anything you say! After all, you are turning sweet 16. (Cut to the Mushroom Kingdom, where Mario and Co. are talking a walk.) Princess: It sure is nice not to worry about the Koopas for a while! Luigi: Yeah, when King Koopa gives his kids a birthday party, they stay Koopad up in Koopa Castle all day! (The Doomship approaches.) Mario: Oh no! It's King Koopa's Doomship! (A few Bullet Bills are fired from the ship, but they all miss.) Princess: I'll see if I can stall them while you guys run! (Four Chain Chomps are dropped out of the ship. When they hit the ground three of them each bite one of Mario, Luigi, and Toad's feet, and the other one bites Princess' dress. The four of them yell when they get bit.) Kootie Pie: You're just Princess Toadstool of the measly Mushroom Kingdom. I am going to be Empress of America! Aha ha ha! (Koopa pats her on her head.) Koopa: You really know how to make a daddy proud! Take 'em to my dungeon! Luigi: Our poor home country! We can't even tell 'em the Koopas are coming! (In Washington D.C., the doomship comes out of a warp pipe in the clouds and flies over to the White House.) Kootie Pie: Oh, there Daddy! There's the castle of America's President! They call it the White House! (Koopa looks into the Oval Office with a telescope and sees the president yakking on the phone.) Koopa: And the President is inside! Sledge Bros., warp the White House away to Castle Koopa! (The Sledge Brothers fire a ray at the White House, which levitates it into the air and teleports it away.) Koopa: (through a megaphone) Attention America! Your new ruler, Empress Kootie Pie, has called her first press conference! (Koopa and Kootie Pie are now on the White House lawn surrounded by the paparazzi.) Kootie Pie: It's time for a meaner, crueler America! Koopa: Read them your new laws, Babykins! Kootie Pie: (reading out loud from a scroll) Law number one! Every kid in America must give me their toys! Any handsome boy who does not ask me for a date will be turned into a rock! (Koopa uses his wand to turn some boys into stone.) Kootie Pie: All the gold in Fort Knox will be melted down to make me a lifetime supply of charm bracelets! (Some Paragoombas are putting gold into a smelter at one end and charm bracelets are coming out the other end.) Koopa: Yay Kootie Pie! Recite after me, America! I pledge allegiance to Kootie Pie, and to the repulsiveness for which she stands! (Koopa sheds a tear. Back at Castle Koopa, Mario and Co. are looking out the window of a dungeon. Mario spots the White House, which is now outside the castle.) Mario: Look, Luigi, there in the White House! That's the President of the United States! (The president is still on the phone, unaware of what's going on.) Princess: If we don't get him and the White House back to the Real World, Kootie Pie will ruin America! Luigi: How can we help America when we can't even help ourselves? They've got us triple guarded! Princess: Leave it to me, Luigi! (Princess walks up to a Fire Brother.) Princess: Hey, that guy in the funny helmet told me his boomerang is more powerful than your fireball! Fire Brother: He said WHAT? Princess: So go ahead; let him call you a wimp! (The Fire Brother spits a fireball at a Boomerang Brother's boomerang and it catches on fire.) Boomerang Brother: Yikes! Princess: Are you going to let him do that to you? (The Boomerang Bros. and Fire Bros. start fighting with each other, and one of the Fire Bros. gets hit.) Fire Brother: Ouch! Princess: You're not going to let him get away with that, are you? (The Fire and Boomerang Bros. continue to fight.) Princess: (to Mario, Luigi, and Toad) Quick, hold up your chains! Mario, Luigi, and Toad: You mean these things? Princess: Get over here, right into the crossfire! (They all pick up the blocks the Chomps are attached to and let the chains get cut by fireballs and boomerangs. When the chains break, the Chomps let go and whimper off.) Princess: Quick, run for it! (They all run into a warp pipe and come out in front of the castle. The doomship flies over to the castle and Koopa pulls out his megaphone.) Koopa: Attention Koopa Clan! (The rest of the/male/whatever Koopalings look out of a window.) Koopa: Your sweet sister, Kootie Pie, has finally found a birthday present that makes her happy! Big Mouth: Give that bbbbrat a country and she finally stops nagging! Koopa: I'm gonna keep her happy! I'll put America's ruler where he'll never be rescued! At the bottom of the Mushroom Sea! (Koopa uses the ray to levitate the White House over towards the sea and lets it fall in.) (The White House quickly sinks to the bottom, yet the President is still on the phone.) Mrs. President (who's supposed to be Barbara Bush): Help! The President can't swim! (Mario opens up a chest on the shore, which contains a Frog Suit.) Princess: Hurry Mario! Once the White House hits bottom, America is sunk! (Mario puts on the Frog Suit.) Mario: Ribbit! (Mario jumps in the water and the song Do the Frog starts. Do the frog (Ribbit rabbit) Croak croak croak (Croak croak croak) Do the frog (Ribbit rabbit) Just don't choke (Croak croak croak) When you think you're gonna sink (Do the Frog) It's more easy than you think (Do the Frog) You will look so green and slimy And you've never been so grimy Do the frog (Ribbit rabbit) Croak croak croak (Croak croak croak) Do the frog (Ribbit rabbit) It's no joke (It ain't no joke) Do the frog Do the frog (Ribbit rabbit) Croak croak croak (Croak croak croak) Do the frog (Ribbit rabbit) It's no joke (A Nanny Blooper spots Mario and starts to chase him. Mario tricks her by hopping across some Note Blocks, one of which pops up and hit her. Mario then gets a Jelectro's attention. It chases him for a while until Mario loses it in a set of pipes. Mario finally gets to the White House and knocks on the door and the song ends. Mrs. President opens it up for a second to let Mario in and quickly closes it as the place is starting to flood. Mario then jumps onto a table.) Mrs. President: Are you from the Secret Service? Mario: Even better! (Mario takes off his Frog Suit.) Mario: The Super Mario Bros. Super Plumbing Service! And what this place needs is a super drain! (After some time has passed, Mario has hooked up a bunch of pipes to a device. He turns a knob and all the water is drained, causing the White House to surface.) Mrs. President: You're a brilliant plumber, Super Mario! I know the President will recommend you to all our friends! (Luigi, Princess, and Toad catch up in a boat.) Princess: Mario! Mrs. President: Oh my goodness! What's going on? Luigi: Koopa's loading up the doomship for an attack on London, Paris, and yeesh, Brooklyn! Princess: You and Luigi are the only ones who can stop the "Real World" from becoming Koopa's world! (Some Sledge Brothers are carrying crates aboard the Doomship, which is parked outside the castle. Mario and Luigi are dressed up as Sledge Brothers and are hiding behind some crates.) Luigi: Mario, are you sure these disguises will let us sneak aboard Koopa's Doomship? (They start walking onto the ship.) Mario: Positive! You're my own brother, and even I don't recognize you! Sledge Brother: Putting on a little weight, aren't you, Mario? (He stomps the ground, causing it to shake and the two of them run off.) Sledge Brother: Stow aways aboard! Stow aways! (Some Sledge Brothers chase the Mario's around the ship and use ground shakes and their sledgehammers to try to stop them. The Mario's reach a cannon and stop.) Mario: You hold them off while I get this flying battleship in the air! (Luigi fires a few cannonballs at the Sledge Brothers while Mario runs into the cockpit. He pulls a lever and the doomship flies over to the White House. Mario is now at the ray.) Mario: First, I'll warp the White House back where it belongs! (Mario fires the ray at the White House and levitates it into the warp pipe and the doomship follows. When they come out in Washington, the White House is teetering on top of the Washington Monument.) Mrs. President: Mario, oh Mario! I hate to complain, Mario, but my husband can't run the country under these conditions! Mario: Don't worry, Mrs. President! Next time, I'll put the White House right where it belongs! (to himself) Maybe I should've read the instructions. (Mario starts to levitate the White House again. Meanwhile, Kootie Pie is still on the lawn, sitting on a lounge chair with sunglasses and reading, while a Boomerang Brother files her toenails. The White House is about to fall on her and the paparazzi runs off. Kootie Pie and the Boomerang Brother look up and run out of the way at the last second, just as the White House hits the ground.) Kootie Pie: How dare you disturb the almost empress of the entire Real World!? Mario: Forget it, Kootie Pie! We just brought the President back home! Luigi: Heh heh, so you're not even boss of America anymore! Kootie Pie: Liar, Liar, PANTS ON FIRE! (Mario tosses a rope ladder down to Kootie Pie.) Mario: Get up here, you're going back to the Mushroom Kingdom! Kootie Pie: I hate it when PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I hate IT! I HATE it! (Kootie Pie throws a tantrum.) Kootie Pie: I'll tell my daddy on you! Mario: Don't forget to tell him about this! (Mario levitates a whining Kootie Pie into the warp pipe and all the way back to the castle. The Doomship goes back through the pipe and crashes into the castle.) Luigi: Nice crash landing, Mario! Mario: Yeah, it'll be a long time before Koopa can warp anything else out of the "Real World"! (They jump off the doomship as Koopa looks at his broken doomship.) Koopa: Oh no! My Doomship, ruined! (Koopa and Kootie Pie are back in the throne room.) Kootie Pie: It's all your fault! You let the Mario Bros. capture us! You let them warp me home! You let them save America! Koopa: If you don't stop that whining right now... Kootie Pie: But daddy dear! Koopa: Go clean your room! (Koopa stomps the ground, causing the room to shake.) Kootie Pie: Are you telling moi what to do? Koopa: And you'd better do it! (STOMP) Stop pinching your little brother! (STOMP) Both of you! Unplug your stereo! (STOMP) (Mario and Co. are listening from outside.) Mario: Well, it sounds like Koopa's finally giving Kootie Pie, the present she deserves! Koopa: Pick up your socks! (STOMP) Close the door! (STOMP) Get off the telephone! (STOMP)

(The curtain falls.)