The 'Shroom:Issue XLVIII/Fake News

Fake News

Editorial
Greetings, and welcome to the March issue of the Fake News.

I don’t know if there’s anything significant to say about this month, although I will likely end up writing a long rant regardless. There will be no Fake Games in this issue, but I was promised it will return in the next. An issue has popped up, requiring this month’s cooking guide to be canceled. No Ask ’3K this month either, due to a shortage of questions. Rage!

Wait, I just remembered that there is something to talk about. Starting this month I will engage in a little experiment. For the time being there will be a new section in the Fake News called “Fake Report”. It will deal with newspaper articles, reporting about fictional events in the Mushroom World. This will be a freelance section, meaning you don’t need to sign up for it. If you want to participate, write a nice report and send it to me on our Forums. If it meets the requirements it will be featured in the next issue of the ’Shroom (with your name on it). Your report can be about anything, but it must meet three basic points: Your report should be… And that’s all there is to it. If you ever thought about writing something for the ’Shroom, but were intimidated by having to sign up for a long‐term position, this is your chance. Just drop me a PM.
 * …related to the Mario series somehow
 * …adequately written and in report style
 * …tasteful and interesting.

This is an experimental section. Depending on reader interest, reception, and quality, it might or might not become a future staple of the Fake News. You can help improve the newspaper‐feel of the ’Shroom by participating.

Thank you very much.

Fake Report
Written by:

A terrible tragedy occurred at afternoon on the 10th March at Sirena Beach on Isle Delfino. The famous four star establishment and tourist attraction, Hotel Delfino, suffered one of the largest fires in eleven years. The fire was apparently started around noon by a yet to be determined arsonist. An improvised rescue team consisting of a Pianta janitor (32), some guy waiting in front of the restroom (35), and a Noki daring his girlfriend to say “Pizza” ten times fast (19) was quickly formed and managed to get almost everyone in the lobby out of the building before the fire got worse. One infuriated woman (24) refused to be rescued, screaming “This is the ladies room, get outta here you creeps!” and throwing burning toilet paper rolls. After a few hours, the flames activated the hotel’s security system and it promptly secured the stairs. Unfortunately, all the security system secured was a fiery demise for everyone in the second and third floors, as the large shutters blocked the main escape routes. Fire fighters were finally able to reach the building near evening, when the flames had already engulfed the building. When confronted with the fact of their late arrival, the fire chief (34) said: “I am very sorry for the delay, but the Warp Pipe in Delfino Plaza only lets us come here at sunset. Now please let us do our job.” The fire fighters then solved the fire problem like every Pianta solves a problem: Picking it up and throwing it away.

We at the ’Shroom interviewed a few of the guests to learn how they experienced these unfortunate events. Most people saw the fire as a minor inconvenience, but were ultimately glad that no plumbers suddenly came jumping through paintings while they were preparing to take a bath. One custodial worker asked why there couldn’t have been any people with water sprayers around, which earned him some weird looks. Then there was an eye‐witness that claimed to have seen and heard the possible perpetrator in this crime. The witness’s report states that, around the time the fire started, two individuals could be heard arguing loudly over famous Mushroom Kingdom hero Mario. Their exchange was summarized as one saying “That one scene in Sunshine where Mario is worried for FLUDD is AN ACTUAL EMOTION!!!”, and the other one responding with “No! No way!! Stop telling lies, I might set this hotel on fire!!!”. When further questioned about this incident, the witness said “Well, one of them sorta had two legs.”. Fifty‐three possible suspects that matched that description were arrested on the spot and will face trials before Isle Delfino’s infallible judicial system.

We also asked the Hotel Manager (52) for a statement concerning the incident. The dignified Pianta said: “This was a tragic episode in the grand story of our formidable hotel, but we need to look forward and make the best of it. And the way I see it, the best way to do that is to turn this into an inflated event. From now on we will give out fun fire merchandise! Shirts that read ‘I stayed at Hotel Delfino and was not burned to a crisp!’ This is a great business opportunity! Come! Come visit Hotel Delfino, where certain doom may await you in case of an emergency, but we will make sure to make your last hours count!”

Fake TV
Written by:

A brand‐new drama will soon be coming to the screens of the Mushroom Kingdom. This new show is currently known as Toad’s Turnpike and is set to debut this spring on MushTV1.

The show is concerning many events that happen on this busy motorway; convicted criminals and Waluigi regularly take refuge on this road, and soon begin bugging the citizens that lived in a housing estate beside the turnpike. And so, crime has gone up in the area.

In the pilot episode, a convict beats up a young Toad in the dead of the night, and then blackmails him into giving him money. The police get involved soon, but cannot possibly stop all the traffic on the turnpike. Meanwhile, Waluigi invites Wario over for dinner, when he suddenly is stopped by the police for speeding. While Waluigi crosses the turnpike, in hope of finding Wario, he narrowly avoids being run over. However, this causes a massive car crash, and Waluigi tries to save people from the wreck. The police soon find out more about the convict, enough to chase him down. But the car crash holds them up, just as he strikes again.

In short, a lot of action happens in this 30‐minute show. Quite too much to be like real life, but we all like excitement in our life, right?

Right?

Oh well, see you next month.

Fake Sports
Written by:

The tournament was held last week. A thrilling tournament’s first matches saw the heavily favored DK and Yoshi fall. The final four players were Waluigi, Mario, Wario and some guy named Gunther. Gunther defeated Wario, and Waluigi came from behind to defeat Wario. Mario then obliterated Wario to win third place. In the best‐of‐seven championship match, Gunther won two of the first three sets and led 9‐2 in the fourth set, but Waluigi came back to win the fourth set and tie the match, shouting, “WALUIGI TIME!” all the while and using his crotch chop to celebrate after each point. He then took the first two points of the fifth set, but Gunther then began bouncing shots off of Waluigi’s enormous nose. Using this weakness, Gunther continuously hit the poor mucus‐covered ball off of the table so that it would hit Waluigi’s nostrils again and again. He won the fifth set 11‐3 and the sixth 11‐4 to win the championship. I then interviewed him following the victory.

Ralph: First of all, congratulations. There’s a question many people have been asking and we’re just dying to know the answer. Who are you? Gunther: Screw you, I’m Gunther!

That’s all for this month. See you next month with more of Gunther’s adventures!

Interview
Written by:

Time for the next interview of the year! Yawn… I’m just annoyed thinking that I have to reveal my name. If you don’t know it by now, look at the stupid header above and read below that says “by ”! Well, before I get into a rant, lets deal with our guest. Its a fiery figure that has burned Mario in the Paper Mario series quite often. Give it up for the Fire Bubble!

BMB: Welcome.

Fire Bubble: Should I sit down.

BMB: Hmmm… I really don’t care about damage, Edo is the one that pays for any catastrophes, so go ahead.

* Burns chair*

Fire Bubble: Whoops, sorry, I guess that is why I float.

BMB: Yeah… well, lets get this thing going before my director finds out. So why do you hate Mario?

Fire Bubble: Isn’t it obvious? I don’t hate him, I just dislike all living things because I’m stuck haunting the Mushroom Kingdom! Bowser is not my boss!

BMB: Well, it seems you have a lot to flare about.

Fire Bubble: Yes, and only Podoboos follow Bowser’s orders.

BMB: But… according to some users, you are a Podoboo.

Fire Bubble: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! If I ever see that guy, I’ll burn him until he is nothing but nothing! I’m NOT a Podoboo!!!

BMB: Yeah, don’t worry, I’ll straighten it out soon.

Fire Bubble: It’s like calling a Spiny and a Buzzy Beetle the same! Ugh, now my day is ruined.

BMB: Sorry that I mentioned it. Maybe I should end this early then.

Fire Bubble: No no, don’t. I’ll deal with it later.

BMB: Ahem, alright then, let’s get back to business. So you have evil eyes all the time, why is that, besides the obvious reason?

Fire Bubble: Don’t ask me, ask whoever designed me! I’m actually a easygoing guy. Just [ask] the Embers, they know how kind I am.

BMB: Are you the kind of nice person that bakes stuff!?!

Fire Bubble: Actually, yes I am!

BMB: Oh, I’ll have to talk to you afterwards about this other section I do in the Fake News. But before we get sidetracked, what was your life before [you became] a Fire Bubble?

Fire Bubble: Believe it or not, I used to be a Toad.

BMB: No!

Fire Bubble: Yes!

BMB: Wow, I feel for you, stuck doing stuff for the Princess and the plumbers, and then dealing with the evil Koopa King. Explains a lot.

Fire Bubble: Free labor is what all the Toads don’t realize until poof, we turn into ghosts.

BMB: Well, I’m getting tired, and my Edo‐senses are going off, so I think we should wrap this up.

Fire Bubble: Good idea, I don’t really have much left to say either.

BMB: Alright then, so this is BMB signing off—

Edo: BABY MARIO BLOOPS, WHY IS THAT CHAIR DESTROYED!?!?!

BMB: RUN EVERYONE, IT’S EDO!

* Everyone screams and runs away*

BMB: See you next time!

Edo: BMB!

BMB: Gulp

Fake Characters
Written by:

Hola everyone Here, in the worst month ever (school), it’s DyegoHalliwell with Fake Characters *the crowd cheers* of March! *the crowd is silent* This is my 6th month here, which makes it a half year. Anyway, here are my characters. I hope you like them, and comment on them in the topic that will be created on the forums =)

Hyper Sadguy
From the next (stupidly funny) Mario Party, the best character ever, with the worst attitude ever, Hyper Sadguy! He was a common Shy Guy 5 years ago, when the world looked smart, but boring. Coincidentally, this same month, he was attacked by a random monkey, who left his face so horrible that he had to purchase a mask. But everything started to go wrong. There were too many Shy Guys being born, leaving the Mask Shop almost empty. The only thing left was a sad mask which was never purchased, because anyone who wears it will be cursed with sadness and a full live of misery— I mean, a life full of misery. He had to cover his face with that, and later, his life become what I mentioned before; everyone laughed at him in slow motion, because they were all fat (thanks to KFC: All you can eat). Years later, a giant factory full of mutant water supernaturally made him drown, and upgraded him—

Manager: He was demoted… Me: Why do you always have to create problems for me, go straight to hell!
 * grabs gun and shoots the manager*

―I mean, demoted him to Hyper. Now he serves as “the village idiot” in a Secret stage of the game.

Klaffenger
Klaffenger is an enemy imported from the DKC series games. He’s demented, as he’s always hanging on a chain made of poop that seems like a real rope. As you may have noticed, he’s addicted (to what? I don’t know. Ask T.J. Toad) and has become something like a chameleon Kremling. He has been cursed with the power of Shapeshifting, which activates in the less expected moments. Ex: When he tries to fly, the power activates and he becomes a man in flames, which automatically kills him… So yes, he’s dead now. And in the future, we will remember him as a demented person whose dream was to be killed by the mafia, during a marathon of some boring DC movie, during a full moon (full of poop).

Written by:

A recent pop star has been sweeping across the Mushroom Kingdom. Some love him, while some hate him. He goes by the name of Justin Birdo. He is especially hated on the internet, where some people even doubt he is a man.

I’m told not to be biased here, so I’ll remove all bias from this paragraph:

Ok done.

His best selling (and most disliked) song is entitled “Gravy”, and is addressing his favorite… uh… whatever gravy is. He is apparently loved among many girls. He was born in Subcon, which really calls into question whether he actually exists, as subcon is the dream world. He looks like a teenage girl with a Birdo head.

Justin Birdo is able to bend time with his singing, which, sadly for him, does absolutely nothing.

Well, that’s all I have to say on the matter. Nintendo has banned him from appearing in any games, so we are lucky… for now. Thank you for reading this.

Fake Music
Written by:

Hi everyone, this month I’ll show you a randomly chosen Top 10 of the newest and oldest songs. Brought to you by The Wegeee Company.

1. Brick Block – Peachanna Ft. Jay‐Toad
 * Explanation: Brick Block is a song that is about a past affair between Peach and a random Toad. They say they were doing a parody of Umbrella, but we know that’s not true at all. In this song, Peach tells Jay to go away, but he can break his head on a brick block of her own every day.

2. I Don’t Have to Stomp – Whomp Lavigne
 * This song is about a selfish Whomp, who thinks everyone follows him, and he ‘doesn’t have to stomp’ to do anything, or get followers. Note: T.J. Toad and his mafia are forcing me to say this: this is an unofficial parody of “I don’t have to try”, Rights reserved by the guy who’s about to kill me.

3. Gives You Quizz – The All‐Chuck Quizmo Rejects
 * A hilarious song about how much Chuck Quizmo likes when people get his quizzes wrong.

4. How Old Is Now? – The Toadsworths
 * A sad song about the oldness of Toadsworth, who never gets a girl to like him, and that the way it happens leads him to work with the Mafia.

5. My Saddy Ending – Bowser and the Koopaling Band
 * A simple and repetitive song about how many times Mario has beaten Bowser and his sons. It implies that Bowser enjoys this.

6. Dizzy – Daisykira Ft. Items Rascal
 * A latino song that basically says that Daisy is loca loca loca for Luigi. For copyright‐related reasons, she changed the chorus saying to say “And I’m dizzy but you like it, Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy”.

7. 4 1‐UPs – Mariodonna ft. ’Shroom Timberlake
 * This song is about Mario dying in all of his adventures, and how he badly needs 1‐UPs. Also, in some way it could be taken as 4 1‐Ups to Save the World

8. She Goomba – Roshakira
 * This song is about Rosalina telling us how many times Mario has stomped the she‐Goomba. She finally sets herself free and asks him out.

9. Love the Way you Jump – Luigiminem ft Peachanna
 * A simple song about Luigi and Peach loving how Mario jumps. Also it tells us how Mario bullies his enemies, and that the places he visits end burned up.

10. Whoever, Whatever – Birdo and the Yoshi Experience
 * The only song that dares to talk about Birdo and Yoshi’s appearant romance. It states that no matter where, who or what they are, they will be together.

I hope you all like it. Due to budget cuts, the Mafia has told me to pay them like this This was the Music of Tomorrow, Today! See you next month, with T.J. Halliwell’s review of the songs! Rights reserved to TJ‐Toad’s mafia, 2011–12.

Fake Ads
Written by:



Hello faithful customers.

Tired of all those morons stealing your coins? Need something to give you a jolt of energy in the morning? Then I’ve got the product just for you.

* pulls out a bag*

It’s some Cashzap Candy! Why do I carry a bag of candy around with me? Well, you see…

<_< >_>

I’m not comfortable answering that question. Anyways, back to the product. These small, but powerful candies electrify your body and allow you to cast thunderbolts on those who oppose you. They give your tongue a tingling sensation of lemon. You’ll be quite a shocker when you eat these treats.

These will give you quick jolt of energy in the morning, no matter how hard your night was, be it busy stompin’ Goombas, playing dodgeball, or just being lazy as usual.

Power outage? No problem. Eat one of these and become your own battery.

Someone stole you money? Fry them to a fritter after you eat this. Get your money back and THEIR money as well. That is… if you didn’t fry it…

It is recommended you do not come into physical contact with anyone for 24 hours after ingesting a Cashzap Candy. It is also recommended that you are not near any outlets or electrical devices either.

Side effects of Cashzap Candy are quite shocking; too shocking to go into detail about, frankly.

Each piece is worth 35 coins. Hurry up and get it.

Fake Shop
by

Come one, come all! Welcome to my shop review, where I review shops from all across the land! This month, I am reviewing The Koopa Shell Emporium! Seemingly, it is a new store set up by a family of shell‐collecting Koopas. It is a local store in Petalburg. Here is what their brochure has to say about the store:

''Welcome to The Koopa Shell Emporium, a newly opened family operated business. From brand‐new shells, to carefully preserved older shells, our store has much to offer to other Koopa Shell collectors. We invite you to come in today to check out what’s in stock! You could very well find the shell you’ve been waiting to find for years. Come today!''

So, they seem to be selling shells old and new alike, all in good quality… But that’s only what they say. First, here’s a chart of their items. Here’s what they sell at their store, a picture of the product, what the prices are, as well as a description being included.

In a product review survey, 98% of customers have said that they are pleased with the items that they have purchased. 99% of customers survey were at least happy with the store’s service and attitude towards customers. 92% of customers have said that they plan on returning to the store in the future to make more purchases.

Seemingly, this store has become very popular among its shoppers and has a good record so far. So why don’t you come down to The Koopa Shell Emporium today and try out their products?