List of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door quotes

The following is a list of quotes in the game Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door; the quotes are listed by character.

Admiral Bobbery

 * "You seek Admiral Bobbery? I haven't heard of the gent. Take your search elsewhere."
 * "Harumph! What poppycock! What would you want with me if I were this chap?"
 * ''"Oh, by Blabberton's beard! Not you again!"
 * "By Blubberly's blotches!"
 * "Great gobbledy!"
 * "What's this balderdash, now?"
 * ''"My dear, repellant woman, what do you mean by THAT?"
 * "Let's leave these cads, Mario..."
 * ''"Mario, we mustn't serve evil! You MUST resist, old boy!!!"
 * "Serve a witch? My dear Scarlette would be rather angry with me, I should think."
 * "Well, old boy, it was most agreeable that I had the chance to meet you. If it hadn't been for you, then my dear Scarlette would still gaze down on a broken Bob-omb. Let's meet again, Mario! And this time, let it be on the high seas, old boy!"

Beldam

 * "The honorable Grodus has need of us? Then we arrive without delay!"
 * "Fear not, sire! For I, Beldam, will return with what you seek!"
 * "Let's go, my lovelies! Marilyn! Vivian! Come! We've got a job to do!"
 * "SILENCE, YOU DITZ!"
 * "Oh, what IS it, Mr. Mustache? I have no business with you, so scram! Right NOW!"
 * "Mmmmmmwee hee hee hee! I have no quarrel with you...but I simply can't allow you to hunt for the Crystal Stars."
 * "Those who seek names are often disappointed, but you insist, we'll tell you. We are..."
 * "Vivian! What are you babbling about?!? It's 'Shadow Sirens', you nincompoop!"
 * "It's just a figure of speech! I don't see three beauties! I see two, and there's you, and you're PLUG-UGLY!!!"
 * "Marilyn! Vivian! We would've won if you two lumps had pulled your weight! Both of you, prepare for a world-class punishment session when we get home!"
 * "We have prepared a weapon that will bring him to a quick and certain end!"
 * "...Or are you trying to imply that I lost it, you little lolly-gagging worm?"
 * "Mwee hee hee hee! I heard that, my uglies! So, the next Crystal Star is in Poshley Heights? That's a rather nice piece of information! Thanks ever so!"
 * "Normally, this is where I would deal with you and the homely traitor, Vivian, but something tells me that trying that alone might be unwise."
 * "The REAL Professor Frankly is sleeping off a nasty bump on the head in a closet, somewhere! Poor thing!"
 * "You and that traitor, Vivian have a date with ETERNITY!"
 * "Shut up, freak!"
 * "Alright, my kind-of-lovelies! Marilyn! Freak-Sheet! This time, we take out Mario and his goon-squad for good!"
 * "My queen! You have returned to us!"
 * "Yes, my queen. I searched for a pure maiden that you might inhabit. And as I did, I spread the rumor of a great treasure, so that the fools who collected the Crystal Stars can open the seal."
 * "I am not worthy, my queen..."
 * "NOOO! My queen! Let's get out of here, Marilyn!"

Bowser

 * "Gra ha ha har! Bowser, the mighty Koopa King has arrived! Hold your applause, minions! But now that I'm here... Kammy! You crusty old hag! Why did you summon me?"
 * "Oh, go ON, Mr. Comedian! I'm just DYING to hear the rest of your HILARIOUS story!"
 * "Pbbbthbtth! Am I Mario's baby-sitter? I don't care what he's doing! Are you going to call me every time that guy blows his nose, or what? Sheesh!"
 * "Crystal Stars? They sound like great world-conquering tools! I want 'em!"
 * "AIRHEAD!!! A picnic?!? You MORON! This is no time for fun! See, THIS is why my evil plans always derail! Because you clods always goof off! AAARGH!"
 * "Under NO circumstances is ANYONE allowed to kidnap her without MY say-so!!! I will NOT stand for this! I'm going to Rogueport, NOW! I've got to kidnap her back!"
 * ''"Great, just great. Now I look like the huge, mighty King of GUYS WHO TALK TO POSTERS!"
 * "You're both too old."
 * "It's hag vs. hag! Awesome!"
 * "Uh, actually, it's YOU who's gonna spill every big of info out of yoru big, ugly head!"
 * "I don't know anybody named Gonzales! Stop speaking in riddles, you chicken nugget!"
 * CRUD!!! Who do I have to flatten to get a Crystal Star?!? Who?!? WHOOOO?!?"''
 * "Wh-What? That's...disgusting! Get away from me, psycho! You can't have my horns!"
 * "...Whoa. I don't have a CLUE what you're talking about! You people scare me. Seriously."
 * "I am Bowser, businessman of legend! Fear my accounting!"
 * "What are you implying? I'm no little thief, I'm Bowser, the Remorseless King of Evil! So I'll take what I want! And I want THIS!"
 * "You have got to be kidding me You mean to tell me that LUIGI beat me here?"
 * "ARRGH! Those Mario Bros. are the most annoying brothers of all time!"
 * "Gra har har har! What's a finale without a Bowser appearance? A cruddy finale, that's what!"
 * "Today's the day I flush a plumber down the drain!"

Cortez

 * ''"I'll turn your mustache into a bone polisher, amigo!"
 * ''"...Oh, what? It is you again? Did you forget something?"
 * ''"What are you talking about, muchacho? I do not rent this ship for pleasure cruises!"
 * ''"I should turn you into a pinata and throw a party on the beach!"
 * ''"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH! You rattle my bones, Senor Peacock!"
 * ''"You fire cannons here...without my permission? You have nerve, mortal!"
 * ''"Hear my voice, spirits! Take their ship and show them the meaning of fear!"

Gloomtail

 * "Who's there?!?"
 * "No one's disturbed me here in aeons!"
 * "Who dares defile this sacred place?!?"
 * "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!? You destroyed my precious younger sister?!? I wondered why she hadn't written recently..."
 * "Quake in fear, mortals! For I am Gloomtail!"
 * "I will avenge my sister by takin gyour lives...and then gnawing on your bones!"
 * "GWAAAAH HA HA HA HA! My first fresh meat in ages... Allow me to take my time... And toy with you for awhile!"
 * "GWAAAAH HA HA HA HA! You are tough meat, my little tasty morsels! But how will you fare against THIS!!!"
 * "Gwuhhh... You are not the easy prey you appear to be... I would never be able to show my face again if I was bested by you whelps... So I will show you the true extent of my power!"
 * "No... No... Is it true? Can I...expire?"

Goombella

 * ''"Hey! What do you want?!? Get away from me, freak!!!"
 * ''"Never! I don't hav anything to say to you smelly creeps! Eww!"
 * ''N-No! Stop right there, you weirdos! I'll scream! Really!"
 * ''"Whoa, whoa, WHOA, bucko! Whatcha got there?"
 * ''"Omigosh! Is... Isn't that a treasure map?! You HAVE to tell me where you got that!”
 * ''"Hey, what's your beef, pal? YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU!"
 * ''"Mario! You gotta wake up! That guy just stole half of your coins!"
 * "That is so lame! Ugh! I HATE this town"!
 * ''"Oh, it's, like, SO sweet that you boys think I'm cute! Seriously! Yeah, guys like you make me feel like TOTALLY BARFING! Now get out of our way!"
 * "Using a Crystal Star to look good? You're so totally vain! You're gonna pay for that!"
 * "Yeah, as if we aren't going to spank you for like, the tenth time!"
 * "Opening the door for you? What do you mean by THAT, you total hag?"
 * "Let's leave these doofuses, Mario..."
 * "So, this chump is the leader of those X-Nauts?"

Grubba/Macho Grubba

 * ''"Who 'n tarnation 're you, son?!? Who let you in?!? This is Grubba's office!"
 * ''"When I was just a poor pup, I didn't give a Pokey's patoot for fancy, big-city ways!"
 * ''"Bein' rich an' famous is diggety-dang DYNAMITE!"
 * ''"Wait a diddly-darn minute there!"
 * ''"Boy howdy, Gonzales! Fixin' for a fight, huh?"
 * ''"Well, dog my cats! It's the Great Gonzales!"
 * ''"I'll tell you what I saw, folks... A whuppin'!"
 * ''"I'd better keep this room locked tighter than a peanut-butter jar at a squirrel convention!"
 * ''"GREAT-GALLOPIN' GULPITS! How in tarnation did YOU get in here, son?"
 * ''"Well, slap me and call me Sassafras! Yer even starin' at my secret paper!"
 * ''"Whoa, nelly! This ain't good..."
 * ''"I gotta say... Ya'll a coupla slack-jawed idiots, sniffin' 'round my business..."
 * ''"Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk! Yer darn tootin'! 'N you know why? 'Cause it makes my bod stay forever young, son!"
 * ''"MAAAACHO! I'm a powerhouse now, you pesterin', li'l pieces of prairie piffle! So long's I have this here machine, my bod'll be rough, tough, an' ultrabuff!”
 * ''"Oh yeah! Keep it spicy! You know I love a good tussle, Gonzales! Keep on scrappin', son! 'Course, it ain't gonna do you much good in the end..."
 * ''"Not too shabby, Gonzales! You got showmanship, 'n that's GOLD in this biz! But this here battle's just gettin' started! It's time I've showed ya some REAL moves! Back in the day, I had so many rump-kickin' moves, they had to make some illegal!"
 * ''"It ain't finished yet, Gonzales!!! Ain't over 'til it's over! That's way it is in combat sports, son! But lemme just tell YOU somethin'... Fortune's gonna smile on ME in the end, punk!"
 * ''"Nooo... How'd a perfect bod like mine lose to such a chub? Urrgh... Great Gonzales... Great fight there, son. Great fight..."

Koops

 * "OH, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU TO FIGHT HOOKTAIL! PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU!"
 * "'To my son, Kolorado'?!? Not 'Koops'?!? Whoops... I guess this isn't my father after all."
 * "Let's leave these wimps, Mario..."

Lord Crump

 * ''"Oh, come off it, you airhead! I know it's tough for you, but don't play dumb with me!"
 * ''"I've seen you walking around town asking for information about the Crystal Stars. Well, now I'm doing the asking, so be a good girl and tell us what you know. Right. NOW!"
 * ''"I suppose it wouldn't be right if a sassy little lass like you met with an untimely demise..."
 * ''"Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! Boys, we're taking this firebrand back to our fortress!"
 * "Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh huh huh! I've got some ammo to spare! How's THAT for boom-bassa-boom?!?"
 * "I'm gonna turn you guys into wee seeds... Wait, that's not right. I'll turn you into SEAWEED! Buh huh! Enjoy!"
 * I'm down, but no WAY I'm out!"
 * "MAN, THIS IS GETTING OLD! How could I lose...again?!? I HATE LOSING! Now I gotta think of another excuse for Grodus! Grrrrrrr! And with that...pow! I'm gone!"''
 * "I've been waiting for you! Oh, MAN, have I been waiting! And I HAAAAAAAATE waiting!"
 * Buh huh! I'll TELL you what it means! I used the Crystal Star to lure you here... So that I could take all of YOUR Crystal Stars! How brilliant is THAT, huh?"
 * "And wanna know the best part? Your little Peachy girl isn't even here anymore!"
 * "BUH! BUH! BUH! BUH! BUH! Like I'd tell you the plan! That's novice-villain style! No, I won't be doing anything like that. Sorry, really, guys..."
 * So... ready for showtime? You guys are gonna be the perfect workout for... Magnus Von Grapple 2.0!"
 * "I hope you're up to the challenge...because this thing is raw horsepower, kiddies!!!"
 * "Yeah, last version was buggy, so we made improvements... One...two...a DOZEN!!! Get ready for a whole new way to experience pain, you junior-varsity losers!"
 * "GRRRRROOOOOODDDDUUUUUSSS!!!"

Luigi

 * ''"I was one hot sacrifice, Bro."
 * ''"You go, Bro!"

Madame Flurrie

 * "...Perhaps if I grabbed you and gave you a little sugar?"
 * "Did you really think we'd let a wretch like you escape? I DO believe you will be handing over that Crystal Star and promptly exiting this tree!"
 * "Why, that was no fuss whatsoever!"
 * "Here we go, darling! Time to shine!"
 * "Aww, you wish to accompany us, you adorable little thing?"
 * "You, Mr. Proprietor! Would you allow us to free this poor soul?"
 * "Using innocent fighters and a Crystal Star just to improve your looks? You're despicable."
 * "Let's leave these louts, Mario..."
 * "Mario, what shall we do, darling? We cannot bow down to her!"
 * "Time to pay for all of your ills!"

Marilyn

 * "Guh? Guhhhhh!"
 * "The Three..."''

Mario

 * "I can take you!"
 * "Yer darn bloopin'!"
 * "Keep your coins, fiend!"
 * "Keep it, you cad!"
 * "That's disgusting!"
 * "Guess again, nerd!"
 * "Forget you, pal!"
 * "Darn skippy!"
 * "Let there be hot dogs!"
 * "No. Jumping eggs bug me."
 * "Spare me the prologue, and just curse me, already."
 * "Call me Blanket P.I.!"
 * "Da. I mean, YES!"
 * "Nyet. I mean, NO!"
 * "Challenge this chump!"
 * "Refuse this witch!"

Ms. Mowz

 * "Who is this handsome piece of cheese?"
 * ''"Let's leave these idiots, Mario...

Princess Peach

 * ''" ' Comprehend ' Love? Love's not something you comprehend, TEC. You feel it."
 * ''"I can't believe I got kidnapped...again."
 * ''"You X-Jerks kidnapped me like common Koopas!"
 * "You inhuman beast! How could you?"

Sir Grodus

 * ''"Princess Peach. You will speak when spoken to."
 * ''"I don't care how you planned to end that sentence, fool. Go get them. Now."
 * ''"Don't forget your place, you impudent worm! Just concentrate on finding the legendary treasure! That is ALL I require of you."
 * "Beldam... Tell me, what good are you? You STILL haven't taken care of this Mario character?"
 * ''"I trust your words, though I rapidly lose my patience."
 * "Yes... I, Grodus, will build a new world! A perfect, ideal world... made by me, about me, and FOR me! GAAACK ACK ACK ACK ACK!"
 * ''"You blew it again, Lord Crump. You sicken me."
 * ''"What is the matter with you idiots? Falling for a fake Crystal Star? That's asinine!"
 * ''"In my most paranoid moments, I never thought my own computer would betray me."
 * "Gaaack ack ack ack ack! Only one thing to do with a malfunctioning computer! Cut the circuit and delete all the programs and data that caused that malfunction!"
 * "Gaaack ack ack ack! Too bad, Princess Peach. TEC is no longer with us."
 * ''"Princess Peach...just stop it. This is no time to be worrying about a computer. We have some very important things for you to do now... Yes, VERY important... Gaaack ack ack ack!"
 * ''"I've been looking forward to this, I must admit."
 * ''"I am the supreme leader of the secret society of X-Nauts! I am Grodus!"
 * ''"All I had to do was entrust the last Crystal Star to my least competent underling! I don't suppose Crump had any idea of my plan though. Gaack ack ack ack ack!"
 * ''"Once you fools are gone, no one will stand in my way! Grodus will rule the world!"
 * "I was hoping the Shadow Sirens would do a little more to slow your progress, but it would appear that they are so useless, that even a simple task was beyond them."
 * ''"Meet your ends, you meddlesome fools! You will know my power!"
 * ''"So, you have the mettle to push me this far... But no more!"
 * ''"Argh! You will not stop me! Take this!"
 * ''"Guh! Fools!"
 * ''"Uhh... No..."
 * ''"You are more than you seem... But this is not finished. I saw even this possibility."
 * ''"Move one step, and she will breathe no more!!!"
 * ''"Stop your blubbering! This is it! Meet your end!"
 * ''"WORM! You would dare defy me?!? Do you NOT care for the life of your pitiful princess?"
 * ''"Now, arise! Arrise! My Shadow Queen!"
 * ''"Yes, my glorious witch queen... Destroy these impudent fools!"
 * ''"Huh? What do you mean?!? I thought you were bound to obey the one who woke you!"
 * ''"Enough of this prattle! Do as I say!!! NOW! Or I will send you back to the depths..."

Shadow Queen

 * ''"Who... has called me back?"
 * ''"You... Very well. Where is the vessel?"
 * ''"Ah, yes... A fine vessel she is. Now..."
 * ''"Muh huh huh huh! Witness my rebirth..."
 * ''"Who are you that would command me? What sort of being are you?"
 * ''"You would do well to learn your proper place, slave. No one commands me."
 * "Ah, Beldam... What ages have passed? I'll take it that you're the one truly responsible for bringing me back, yes?"
 * "Muh huh huh... Very good. You have fulfilled your duties admirably."
 * "But who are these... beings who stand before me?"
 * ''"Then, you wretched fools... will learn the error of your ways!"
 * "I will ask you one last time... Will you serve me? If so, then I will forgive you for this..."
 * ''"What are these vile voices?"
 * "You wretched little girl! You would disobey me?!?"
 * "Very cunning, princess! But you will not undo me! Know me as your queen!"
 * "Enough! This ends now!"
 * "Foooooooools!"

Thwomp

 * "No... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You beat my cute little underlings! How COULD you? Jerk! Just take this and go! And if you ever wonder, know that I HAAAAAAAAATE YOU!"

Toadsworth

 * ''"Just drop on INN! Ho ho!"

Vivian

 * "...Shadow Beauties!"
 * "Hmm hmm hmm! We heard you, little birdie! Doopliss! So, THAT'S his name!"
 * "I'm sorry, Sis, but this Mario is the only one who's ever been kind to me..."
 * "Mario! I'm fighting by your side from now on! I've made my choice... and I'm not turning back!"
 * You're the one who's going to suffer, Crump! No matter how many times we do this!"
 * "I'm with Mario all the way! Today, Sis, I'M going to punish YOU! You hear me?!?"
 * "I'm sorry, Sis..."
 * "G-Grodus..."
 * "We aren't going to let that happen!"

X-Naut

 * "You rang, dude? I mean, sir? You rang, Sir Grodus, dude? Grodus? Sir Grodus, sir?"

Yoshi

 * "Shut up! You make me sick!"
 * "Let's rock, Gonzales! I'm ready to chew this dude up and spit him out!"
 * "It's stupid cold!"
 * "Mario, check that out!"
 * "Let's leave these wusses, Gonzales..."
 * "So, this loser is the leader of those X-Nauts?"
 * "Gonzales serves nobody! Right?"
 * "Gonzales, we're not REAL champs, unless we beat this evil lady!"