The 'Shroom:Issue XXXVIII/Fake News

Fake News

Director’s Notes
by I’m back (in black)! Welcome to another issue of the Fake News. As always, we are looking for more writers, so sign up below if you are interested in writing any of the following sections:


 * Fake Music
 * Fake TV
 * Fake Police Blotter
 * Character Battle

For more info on these positions, click here.

Sign up on this list in the format. If there are no more spaces available, feel free to add a space for yourself with the # sign.



If you aren’t interested in the Fake News, but want to write for another ’Shroom position, please contact or  for main team positions,  or  for Pipe Plaza,  for Fun Stuff, and  for Art & Music.

And now, for the news!

Travel Guide
by

Come to sunny Bianco Hills! We’ve got water, people who throw you, and a lot of Goop. …wait a minute…Mario was supposed to deal with that crap. Um…that’s not good…does anyone want a sequel? That’s actually a pretty good idea. Anyway, you get to spray stuff and see big plants with thorns. We could tell you a lot more, but we’d get in trouble if you live in a spoiler-free zone. In any case, come to our sunny patch of paradise (and Goop) today! A trip for four costs just $599.99, including round-trip airfare and hotels.

Fake Game: ''Super Mario: World of Mushroom
by Greetings, dear readers of The ’Shroom. This is Edofenrir, and today we are going to check out another yet-to-be-revealed game from Nintendo’s secret treasure vault. This month Nintendo seems to explore a whole new genre, but let us first see how I got my hands on this brand new info.

So, two weeks ago on Saturday evening I was sitting at home, doing what I do every Saturday evening: Besieging the Nintendo Power Line and telling the telephonist all my thoughts and suggestions about the future of the Mario franchise. And just the moment I mentioned my concerns about the shape of Luigi’s mustache, the telephonist began shouting at me. My speech must have really moved him, since he was crying (in joy) when he yelled: “''Please… Please, Mister, I beg you! I cannot take it anymore! I will do everything! I will even send you a few prototypes of our newest Mario game if you just. Never. Call. This. Number. Again!!!''” And since I could really hear the happiness in his voice, I agreed.

Two days after that I received a package, containing the aforementioned game. ”Super Mario: World of Mushroom”, the box art said, “A Mario multiplayer online role-playing game.” “Doesn’t sound like much…”, I thought as I inserted the game into the Wii…

I shall write my experiences in the game in form of an adventurer’s log. Since logs sometimes tend to be very long, I will split it into two parts. The first part will follow immediately, while the second part and the conclusion will be covered in the next issue of The ’Shroom.

Now let’s begin with the game.

Day 1: Creating a Character
The game began with a fancy introduction sequence, like many other games. Right after that I got to the character creation screen. There was really a bunch of stuff to choose from. I had to pick a race for my character, a class, a name, and thousands of other knick-knacks. The game features 24 playable characters in total, so I felt a little confused at first. Here is what the game threw at me:

Day 6: Finally Getting Started
After spending a relatively short time on the character selection screen I settled for a Blooper wearing a toga for some reason. I named him “Doomdrael Ravenhunter”, which is a really cool sounding name, hands down. Then I dressed my Blooper up like a ninja, and finally I began playing the actual game.

So, the game began with Doomdrael being washed ashore, having lost all his memories of past happenings. So far, so good. I looked around and found myself on a deserted coast, being stripped of everything I had, including a weapon. I checked the manual and found out that my character uses hats with various blades attached to them as a weapon. My chances of finding something crazy like that in the wild were pretty slim. Fortunately I managed to come across a shop (in a cave) specialized in exactly that kind of contraptions made from driftwood. Since I was in a desperate situation I decided to buy one of the weird hats, but when I questioned the shop owner’s logic for setting up a hat shop at a deserted coast, he got angry and threw me out.

I walked around at the coast with my Blooper Ninja, but after the first ardor faded away it got very boring. I was about to throw the game out and switch to Tetris when I remembered what my mother often used to tell me when I was young: “Remember, son: Always wear a jacket in the rain, and if you ever happen to play a Massively Multiplayer Online Role–playing Game, don’t forget to play it with friends or it will be very boring.” What a great idea! Hastily I sent the other copies of the game to some of my friends.

Day 7: Meeting the Other Guys
A day later I finally received answers from the people I contacted. I got Stooben Rooben, Walkazo, SMB, Tucayo, and 2257 to play. Only Cobold refused to play, since “Online RPGs are no fun at all because the story is flat and you spent hours just to level up”. Nonsense, I say! So, to prove Cobold wrong, I continued with the game. After spending a short nine hours to reach level 10 I was finally allowed to leave the start area and explore the vast land filled with other players. As I set foot on the world map, an old wise man approached me. “I shall reveal the plot to you!” he said. “You are the chosen one, so clobber some monsters.” Awesome!

Motivated by the old man I entered the nearest town, where I met a player playing a Dry Bones named “2257 the Great, Destroyer of Planets”… Well… “Are you by any chance 2257?” I asked carefully. The answer I received was “>_>”, which eliminated any doubts. We decided to explore the city together, and that’s where we found three other players, suspiciously named “Stoobario”, “SMB”, and “Walkazo”… “Guys,” I said. “We are in an RPG. Why didn’t you give yourself some cool-sounding RPG names?” ”Well, I like my name,” Walkazo said, and Stooben added: “What about your name? Broomangel Gravegrunter? That hardly sounds cool at all, man.” That made me think. Maybe “Doomdrael Ravenhunter” wasn’t such a cool name after all? I don’t know…

Anyway, the four of us moved on until we reached the marketplace. The place was filled with all sorts of commotion and a mob of people gathered around the source of the noise. However, the crowd didn’t give us any chance of seeing anything, so I quickly decided to make room for us using the most reasonable method available in an RPG: Brute force. After the crowd more or less voluntarily left the place we found out the source of the commotion: A player named “Laurus” had placed himself in the center of the marketplace and started singing in a loud voice. ”Uhm… greetings…” I said hesitantly, not sure how to approach the player who was still singing very loudly. ”HI!!!!!!” Laurus said, while excessively using exclamation marks. “I know you guys!!!!!” ”Tucayo?” I asked, and he answered: “Yeah!!!! How did you know?!?!?” “Lucky guess…” I replied. Anyway, since we all found each other so quickly, we engaged in a conversation. The others told me that they too were washed on the shore at the starting area and that all of them met an old man, telling them they were the chosen ones. What a coincidence! With that knowledge, we decided to found a group of adventurers and explore the game together.

Day 8: Our Very First Quest
We started the next day with a discussion about what to do first. ”I want to go and buy a sword!!!!” Tucayo said calmly. ”I want to explore!” SMB added. ”I want to fight, collect experience, and max out my level so I can defeat everyone with my god-like battle skills!” I mentioned in all modesty. An old man who looked just like the old man from earlier heard our quarrel and scuffled over to us. “My, you seem like a fine group of adventurers,” he said. “How about you do a little errand for me?” ”This is actually a good idea,” Stooben said. “By going on a quest, we could get money to buy a sword, we’d get to explore the land, and we’d get plenty of experience.” So without further ado we accepted the random old man’s task.

As we left the town, we thought about arranging our party, since we needed to be an efficient party to prevail in the upcoming battles. Since 2257 picked a Dry Bones, an offensive unit, we made him our burly front guy. Tucayo picked a Yoshi Melonhead, a unit that uses fruit to battle at close and long range, and we decided to make him assist 2257. As an offensively-aligned Magikoopa, we put Walkazo into the back line, serving as our main damage dealer. She was aided by SMB, a Yoshi Scout who fights by befriending animals and commanding them in battle, and by me and my Blooper’s ninja-esque stealth skills. Finally, we made Stooben’s Toad Doctor the team healer.

With our now fully functional party we began our journey. Along the way we recalled the words of the generic old man. “Across the Plain Plains, deep inside the Fearsome Forest of Failure you will find King Bowser, the evil Koopa King… Go steal his bagel.” We entered the forest, but at a crossroad, we spotted another group of players: A Chomp, a Hammer Bro., and a Spiky Goomba, and they didn’t look too friendly. “This is a risky situation,” Walkazo explained. “We don’t know how strong these guys are, so we should try to avoid a direct confrontation if poss—” “CHAAAARGE!!!!” I screamed before lunging forward, hungry for experience points. I could see Walkazo facepalming, probably due to amazement over my glorious act of bravery! Anyway, the Hammer Bro.’s counterattack knocked me right back, and Stooben had to rush over to heal me. ”Stooben, don’t just stand there!” I exclaimed as I shoved him to the enemies. “Go and get them!” “But I’m a healer, I cannot fi—” His last words were drowned in the sounds of the Chomp mauling our team healer. ”No, they got Stooben!” I shouted. “SMB! You must avenge him!” With that I threw SMB in the direction of the enemies. “Wait Edo, I haven’t befriended any animals ye—”, he was silenced by the blade hat of the Spiky Goomba. ”Damn it guys, stop dying like that!” Suddenly the enemies started heading for me. I was about to finish them off with one of my flashy skills, when a magic attack erupted on the battle field and threw the enemies back. ”We have to retreat! Now!”, I heard Walkazo saying and she dragged me back on my collar. She sounded very annoyed, but I could understand. I mean, how could Stooben and SMB let themselves be defeated like that? They should have been more careful…

We barely managed to escape from the fight. Fortunately we found a 1-Up Mushroom along the way, so we could revive Stooben who then restored our party’s drained health. ”Well, that wasn’t so glorious,” SMB said shortly after being revived, “and I think we all know whose fault this was.” With that everyone looked at me, as if they expected an answer from me. ”Well,” I said, “I know what you’re all thinking, but you might be being a little hard on Stooben.” ”Wait, what?” Stooben said surprised. I elaborated: “Well, you are our healer, so why didn’t you heal us, like you are supposed to?” ”Uhm… I was dead,” Stooben replied, totally deadpan. ”You say that as if being dead is a bad thing…” 2257 remarked sadly. Now everyone looked at Stooben. ”Maybe Stooby just has to be a better healer next time,” Tucayo said. “Let’s move on!!!” ”I was DEAD!!!” Stooben exclaimed one final time.

We continued our journey through the forest. Along the way, we managed to gain some levels. Finally we reached an open spot which was our map pointed out as the location of our destination. There we saw the figure of Bowser, holding a big bagel in his paws. ”Ok, here is the plan,” Walkazo explained. I, however, was already brandishing my weapon. ”Chaaaa—” I was about to lunge forward when suddenly my voice failed me. “—aaaa-haack *cough*” Walkazo had hit me in the back with a Silence spell. “Now where was I? Ah yes,” she continued as if nothing happened. “If we don’t do this strategically, the enemy will maul us. First we will need to immobilize him, and then—” ”There is a problem with that!!” Tucayo remarked, and he was right. The group we encountered (and lost to) earlier suddenly appeared from behind and were about to assault Bowser. ”They are going to steal the bagel before us!!” SMB shouted. I stepped forward heroically. ”Not if I can help it!” I exclaimed, but since I was still under the effect of Walkazo’s spell, all that cane out was “Nnuuuh… haack… *cough* *cough*.” I tried again. “Not… if… Not… ahem! *cough* Not if I… ” ”Cut it out and do something already!” 2257 shouted, but it was already too late. While I practiced my heroic speech, the other group had successfully completed their task. The only thing we could do was witness Bowser exclaim “My bagel!!!” “Well, at least one good thing came out of this,” I said. ”And that is?” Stooben asked. ”I finally got my voice back.” The next thing I felt was 2257’s club on my head.

We were about to leave the forest and report our failure to the old man, when we noticed something strange. The now bagel-less Bowser suddenly headed towards a structure we hadn’t seen the before. It turned out to be a pastry shop, and Bowser was purchasing a new Bagel. ”What the heck?” a member of our team exclaimed. ”You’re new in this game, aren’t you?” said a voice that didn’t belong to any of us. I turned around and saw a Cheep Cheep, complete with its own team. “Whenever Bowser’s bagel gets stolen, he buys a new one after some time, so everyone gets a chance to complete the quest. Now please get back into line.” With that he pointed to a line of many people; numerous player parties, all waiting to get a shot at robbing the Koopa King. A Piranha Plant employee greeted us at the end of said line. “Pick a number and wait here, please.”

After hours of waiting we finally were allowed to continue our quest. ”We need to immobilize him!” Walkazo said and opened the battle with an attack spell, “Then someone has to snatch the item while Bowser is distracted!” ”Let me give it a try!” SMB exclaimed and raised his arm, “Piranha Plant, attack!” A Piranha plant followed his words and headed towards Bowser. ”When did you get a Piranha Plant?” Stooben asked. ”Well, I grew tired of waiting, so I tamed the Piranha Plant employee from earlier.” The Piranha Plant, which finally reached Bowser, now pulled out a clipboard and started talking: “Mr. Bowser, I hereby inform you that I was instructed to restrict your movement, as it is written in article 3 of the Piranha Plant decree.” ”Cut out the formal stuff and just bite him already!” SMB commanded. ”As you wish, dear sir. So, Mr. Bowser, it is as my superior said,” the Piranha Plant replied politely while simultaneously showing its teeth, “Please refrain from resisting while I apply my teeth in the prescribed manner.” The instant SMB’s Piranha Plant started its attack, I dashed forward. “Yoink!” I remarked as I snatched the Bagel and delivered an Ink Blast in the foe’s face. I started gloating about my victory, but was interrupted by Bowser’s claws which tried to impale my back. ”Get out of there already!!” Tucayo yelled while throwing grapefruits at Bowser. With him and 2257 covering us, our group managed to escape from the battlefield and leave the forest. From far away we heard Bowser’s voice echoing from the trees. “Why is it always my bagel?!” he shouted, “This is the sixtieth time today!”

Day 9: More Fate and Stuff
The next day we managed to get back to the small town and presented the bagel to the old man. “Well done, young travelers,” the old man said while eating our hard-earned bagel, “Anyone who can get a bagel is worthy of being called a great hero. Now you must visit the Town of No Name, just across vicious Placeholder Mountains. You must do this because it is your destiny. But before that you should spend all your money in this town, because nothing is more fun than traveling with your pockets full of trash that slows you down.”

With the money we got from the old man we bought some recovery items, just in case our healer screwed up again. Tucayo took the rest to buy a sword for himself, but then had to realize that his class couldn’t use any weapon that is not a fruit. I felt sorry for him, so I gave him a banana and told him it was a knight saber. I think that managed to cheer him up. When all our preparations were done, we set out towards Placeholder Mountains…

…to be continued in the next issue of The 'Shroom…

Cooking Guide
by

He hasn’t sent his in yet, but he told me he would be late, so no worries.

Fake Ads
by

As you all know, Super Mario Galaxy 2 will be released in about a week…*audience applauds*

SHUT UP! As I was saying, I am selling these wonderful Cloud Flowers that I stole grew in my garden along with my other drugs plants.

With this you will gain the ability to create clouds. These clouds can make you reach a new high, and I mean a serious high, like hundreds of feet in the air high. What’s even cooler, is that when you spin, you will literally fart a cloud that you can stand on.

One of our customers stated “''Wow! I am so high right now. I mean, I can literally touch the clouds. It’s like I’m walking on air.''” And indeed he/she was walking on air.

Order now and you will receive this product, along with this super cool Brick Block, because nobody seemed to buy them.

'''Warning: Don’t get too high with this product. You may die.'''

Fake Sports
by

The Mushroom Basketball League began postseason play, and, following in the footsteps of the NBA, every series was a 4–0 sweep. However, in the Mushroom Hockey League, all series went at least 5 games, proving that hockey is far better than basketball, and also proving that Ralph did not have time to write anything better than this.

Fake Weather
by

3 Day Weather Forecast

Friday: Toad Town, 45. Huge toad‐nado striking! Bowser World, 104. C6 hurricane! Bowser World in for evacuation in a different warp pipe. Desert World, 300. Sandstorms all day. Ice World, −99. Will be cold forever. Lava World, 999. Bowser’s Volcano Erupting, STAY INDOORS!

Saturday: Toad Town: 0. No Weather, no Gravity, no Sunlight; no Warnings. Bowser World: 78. Pie Rain ,use hands to catch pie. Desert World: 119. HOT HOT HOT!!! Ice World: −92. THUNDERSTORMS APPEARING!!! Lava World: 1,167. Lava sprouts near.

Sunday: Toad Town: 74. Sunny all day!!! Bowser World: 86. Overcast. Desert World: 159. HUMID HUMID!! Ice World: −109. Freezing Water!! Lava World: 1,793. Lava rain.

Watch for Star Bit rain on Monday!

Fake Characters
by

Well here’s a new one everyone’s been waiting for: Luigi’s Mansion 2. This game is pretty self explanatory, as it is a sequel to Luigi’s Mansion. However, it is set in a different mansion. Also, some cool new characters are introduced in this new game. First, there are the twin sons of Professor E. Gadd.: Professor E. Gadd Jr. and Professor E. Gadd II. Basically, there are three mansions and one of the professors helps you in each one. There is also a new type of Boo. We already knew about Balloon Boos, regular Boos, Dark Boos, and many others that I’m SURE are out there, but now we're introduced to possessive boos. These tricky ghosts can actually sneak into Luigi and control him. Luigi can only break free of these Boos by sucking up coins with the Poltergust 1100! This game comes out for the Gamecube and DS on February 31st, 2013.

Fake Shop
by

Long time no see, people. Travix Man here with sweet new items from both of the hottest new Mario games: New Super Mario Bros. Wii and Super Mario Galaxy 2! Feast your eyes on these items, as well as their slick prices.

1st Item: Propeller ’Shroom

1st Item Info: This will let you transform into a propeller man/lady! And, it lets you hover many feet in the air! (Isn’t that great?)

1st Item Price: 1,000 coins

Sorry, but I have to go. Dinner at my sister-in-law’s...yuck.