The 'Shroom:Issue XL/Fake News

Fake News

Director’s Notes
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If you have read our last few issues, you will notice that we are in need of writers. Rather than have you sign up and wait for weeks on end for me to give you an interview, please follow the instructions to sign up:


 * 1) Find the section you'd like to write.  As of now, Fake TV, Fake Characters and Fake Shop are the only open positions.
 * 2) Get an account on the forum.  Don’t worry, it’s free.  When you sign up, do not use a Gmail account.  It will treat the activation message as spam and you will be unable to receive it.
 * 3) Send me a private message (my name is Oaktown Mojo on the forums).  You can do so by finding my account name or just clicking this link.

After you send me the message saying you want to write for the Fake News, I will send you the questions you need to answer. Please remember that the current open positions are Fake TV, Fake Characters, and Fake Shop. After sending me your section, other ’Shroom staff members and I will look at it, and we will make sure your section is good to go. After that, you’ll get a reminder each month telling you to send in your section.

Travel Guide
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Come visit one of the hottest celebrity getaways on the planet, Gelato Beach! Not only will you enjoy a five‐star resort and spa, you may also be able to catch a glimpse of celebrities like Princess Peach and…wait a minute…why is she holding hands with…Waluigi? Anyway, there are also twelve four‐star restaurants, serving organic local cuisine— hey, what the hell…Peach is now kissing Waluigi…

Anyway, Gelato Beach is cool.

Fake Music
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The, a band consisting of Dark Bowser and Bowser, released their newest song, “The Final Battle” (to the tune of “The Final Countdown” by Europe) at their concert last week. The duo were arrested when police found out that a Dark Fawful Bug was hidden in the microphone and they were just lip‐syncing! Bowser’s lawyers got him out of jail 20 years early and he is expected to make a new hit single by Christmas.

Fake Game: Pastry Mario
Hello, dear readers of the ’Shroom. My name is Edofenrir. Now, if you read my last ’Shroom section, you might remember some of the unfortunate events that took place during the end of my last game review. I can say, though, that the hospital finally let me go, and so I am resuming my work here.

The game I am reviewing today is Pastry Mario. Weird title, I know. It was originally intended to be a baking simulation called Wii Cakes, but fan protests forced Shigeru Miyamoto to rework the title into a solid Mario platformer. However, all the locations and characters in the game remain cake‐themed. Miyamoto is a crazy guy. He loves Mario, and he certainly loves cake. With this game, he had one of his greatest dreams come true: Cake Mario!

The way you acquire this game is pretty unusual as well. You cannot buy it in any game shop. Instead, you have to get it at your local pastry shop. Ordering “Pastry Mario” will get you something that looks like a piece of pie. However, sink your teeth into it and you will learn (with much agony) that the game disc is actually baked inside the pie, and you have to eat the stuff around it until it fits in your Wii. The idea is actually pretty interesting, even though I lost a tooth when biting on the game disk.

Story
The story of Pastry Mario revolves largely around Princess Peach. Peach is very bored. It is that special time of the year when there is just nothing to do. No random occasions to celebrate, no parties to hold, no kart races to win, nothing. Doing political business is tedious, and Bowser is on vacation visiting his mother in the countryside, so no chance of being kidnapped and rescued either. With that huge amount of nothing around, Peach eventually gets up and decides to just bake a cake, since that usually helps her focus. She finally makes a big cake that looks a lot like Mario. But then, suddenly a guy who looks just like Shigeru Miyamoto with a Mario hat bursts through the window. He declares that Peach’s cakes are the greatest thing in the universe, and that he wants her to make many many more for him. Then he kidnaps her, of course, and just when everything seems lost, the Mario cake Peach was making earlier randomly comes to life and embarks on an epic journey to save his creator.

Gameplay
The biggest new feature in this game is that you don’t control Mario. You play with a giant blob of cookie dough shaped like Mario. That gives you access to all sorts of weird pastry‐themed moves, like shooting chocolate chips, cutting cookies out of yourself, and shaping up like a pretzel. This sounds silly, but it makes sense in the actual game, since the whole game works like this.

Pastry Mario also has a candle on his head. This candle serves as the time limit of the levels. It burns down while he is progressing through the levels, and if it ever burns out, Mario loses a life for no apparent reason. Your goal is to prevent that, of course.

The game features enemies known from all around the Mario series, although pastry themed. There are Goombas with cookie crumbles on their heads, Koopas with frosting on their shells, and even Bullet Buns. In the later levels the game uses stronger and more bizarre enemies, like creepy little children who want to have a piece of you (literally) and some weird Japanese guys in purple spandex suits who try to blow out your candle.

Summary
It seems like Nintendo has fun giving its games weird themes. First we had the Paper Mario series, then Kirby’s Epic Yarn came around, and now we have Pastry Mario to follow them. Maybe the next Mario game will be made of goo… or clay or something. Wait… Mario made of clay… Hm… Naah.

Anyway, the game is a solid platformer, albeit a bit weird. There isn’t much more to say about it, except… it makes me hungry. Very hungry. I’ll go and get me some Mario merchandise food. Hm, I suddenly begin to understand how this game is supposed to make a profit.

Anyways, don’t eat too much cake. It isn’t healthy, and it makes Shigeru Miyamoto angry at you, because the more cake you eat, the less there is left for him.

Fake Police Blotter
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Toad Town Police: It’s that time of the week again; Princess Peach was kidnapped. Spies in Bowser World: A guy named “BobombFuses” is sneaking into Bowser Castle with a Fire Flower and a Starman. Fryguy Station Patrol: Floaty Fluff is growing near the volcanoes! HOLY CRAP! Freezie Hunter Police: All the (and ) are frozen, no reports until I decide to thaw them. Pyramid Police: BANDITS STOLE OUR EQUIPMENT, SO NO REPORTS! Mounted Police: One of our police members went insane so we hauled him to the mental hospital. Jungle Patrol: Tikis made off with Donkey Kong’s Banana Hoard. Mushroom Village Police Department: Currently, Ruler Jerry is off battling evil block people on another planet. In the meantime, where is BobombFuses? He took one of our Fire Flowers and Starmen with him…

Cooking Guide
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Baby Mario Bloops has been ridiculously busy with things out of his control and he will send in his section when he has the chance.

Ads
by (congratulations on your promotion to Patroller!)



Ahem.

This month’s item is the…Barrel Roll !

Are you having problems with bipedal crocodiles walking on your lawn? Is there are swarm of fat beavers in your driveway? Are the vultures shooting nuts at you driving you nuts!?! Well, this is the item for you.

Weighing in at a measly 150 pounds, this barrel is full of beer …well…I’m not sure to be honest. If you have the strength of an ape or a chimpanzee and can lift this thing up, enemies beware. Tossing this at these enemies will instantly kill them, but may leave…a mess of…stuff…on the ground. If it hits a wall and comes back at you, then…run your ass off to avoid getting crushed!!!

They come in a variety of colors, from dark brown, to brown, and even light brown. Wow, look at all those colors! I bet you can’t find more vibrant colors on any similar products. Wink

If you like rollback prices, this is the item for you, costing only 30 Banana coins per barrel. Holy crap, that’s an insanely high low price!

…

Wait a second, I’m getting an incoming call from…the Lylat System?! Where the hell is this place?! Me: “Hello!” Guy: “Do a barrel roll!” Me: “Sorry about that folks, I guess that’s all.” Guy: “Press Z or R twice!” Me: “Heh heh heh…” * crushes cell phone with barrel*

See! Very useful! :D

Interview
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Baby Mario Bloops has been ridiculously busy with things out of his control and he will send in his section when he has the chance.

Fake Sports
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The Flower Cup championship took place today at Crater Field, in front of more than 42,000 fans. Team Waluigi took on Team DK in a thrilling match. Team DK had won two titles in their rich history, while Team Waluigi was in pursuit of their first championship trophy. Team DK went with the same lineup they had used in their first six matches, of which they won five and tied one (in group play against the hosts, Yoshi). In the yellow jerseys were Dry Bones, their young, speedy defenseman, as well as midfielders Koopa and Shy Guy. Waluigi, who had gone 4–1–1 (1–1–1 in group play), mixed up their lineup again, with Monty Mole on defense and Hammer Bro. and Birdo at midfield.

Following a colorful pregame ceremony, the two teams took the field. In the sixth minute, Team Waluigi had a legitimate chance off a corner kick, but DK was able to knock the ball away with a header. Eleven minutes later, Team DK’s best chance of the half came on a free kick from 34 feet out, but Kritter knocked a Shy Guy shot away from the net. With just seven minutes remaining in the half, a Dry Bones skillshot electrified Kritter, and Waluigi scored on the rebound to give his team a 1–0 lead. It was his fourth goal of the tournament. His team held a 1–0 lead heading into the half.

With 23 minutes left in the match, Kritter had to lunge to stop a shot from Koopa, but Donkey Kong was able to find the rebound and tie the game at 1. Ten minutes later, with the score still deadlocked, Birdo’s shot was denied by Kritter. He came out to the front of the goal mouth and tried to boot the ball away, but he mishit it, and it bounced directly to Hammer Bro., whose shot went into the net and gave Team Waluigi a 2–1 lead they would not relinquish.

Following the match, the referees mistakenly awarded a 2–1 win to DK (after all, soccer refs suck), and Waluigi once again was left without a championship trophy. Their appeal to soccer’s governing body was denied, and DK escaped Crater Field with their third Flower Cup championship.

Fake Weather
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Saturday
Toad Town 98. Stupid Summer. Bowser World 77. No warnings. That’s unusual…Bowser must be up to something. Lava World 1937. HOT HOT HOT Ice World −222 BRAIN FREEZE!!!!! Too bad there’s no ice cream in this brain freeze. Desert World 110 Thwomp Attack!!!!!

Sunday
Toad Town 82. Magnitude 5.4 earthquake, also felt in Real World. Bowser World 777. Holy &#@%, it’s hot! Lava World 910. OVEN TIME!!!! Ice World −578. Avoid Ice World. Desert World 111. Hot! Too HOT!!!!!

Monday
Toad Town 75. PIE RAIN AGAIN!!!!!!!! Bowser World 1. Wow, cold. Very unusual weather for this season. Lava World 7569. IT BURNS!!!!!!!!! Ice World −841. COLD!!! I’M FREEZINGGGGGG!!!!!!! Desert World 123. AWWWWWWW HOTTTTTTTTT!!!!!

If you hear booming, it’s only because Glamdozer and Gobblegut are going out.

Fake Characters
We bid a fond farewell to, who is retiring from her Fake News position.

Fake Shop
Farewell to, who is also retiring from his position.