Wario's Warehouse

Wario's Warehouse is a series of articles co-written by Mark Green and Richard Moulton that appeared on Nintendo of Europe's website from 2002 to 2003. It briefly reappeared in July 11, 2006 with a two-part article containing cheats for New Super Mario Bros. The articles were written from Wario's first-person perspective, and were mainly there to introduce hints and cheats, but also divulged apparent facts about Wario and Waluigi.

Sonic Adventure 2: Battle
Wario strikes again! If this warehouse full of Nintendo tips and cheats doesn't make me a whole pot of cash, I'll eat my moustache. And as my old ma always said, you can never have too many gold coins. 'Course, she didn't have any after I wedged her inside her kitchen bin and pilfered all her cash. Eh-heh-heh-heh!

What? No, really - it's all totally legitimate! 'Course, I can't divulge my suppliers. Waluigi turns up one day with a truckload of boxes, stuffed full of tips and codes. 'Confidential: Property of Nintendo' stickers all over them - lucky they peeled off so easily. Especially because I had to use one to tape Waluigi's stupid mouth shut after he almost blabbed the whole deal to Mario.

In fact, that monkey Mario's been sniffing around the warehouse ever since, if the red hat that keeps passing by the window is anything to go by. I think we can safely discount Waluigi's theory that it's Baby Mario on stilts, anyway. But I've stashed the cheats under a pile of my old socks - even that toilet technician couldn't stand sifting through those, eh-heh-heh-heh!

So, Wario's totally legitimate game help service is now ready for business! I've fished out some tip-top Sonic Adventure 2: Battle tips to give you a taster of the kind of stuff that's filling every corner of this warehouse. Only registered members can access them, mind - hopefully that'll placate the Nintendo police if they catch me in the act. Not that I'm doing anything wrong, of course!!! Eh-heh-heh... huh... hmm.

Oi! Waluigi! Where are you off to? Ah, another batch of 'legitimate merchandise' to go and 'take delivery of', eh? When will you be back? Next week? You say the truck's out of petrol, so you've got to push it all the way there and back? I think I need a lie down.

Mario Kart: Super Circuit
Wa-ha-haaa! Welcome once again to Wario's Warehouse! This week I've had to make extra room for a new tips delivery, so my waste stock has gotta go. (Yes, Waluigi, that includes your collection of cowpats.)

It all started the other day. There I was, taking Waluigi for his walk along the dockside, when this guy drove up in a white van and dumped a big box in the river. So, like the honest, law-abiding citizen that I am, I got Waluigi to fish it out and lug it home.

Lo and behold, inside was a bunch of Mario Kart: Super Circuit tips, which I can now offer you at a bargain price. (They're a bit damp, but a few hours on the radiator should fix that.)

All you have to do is leave the money in a brown envelope outside my door and I'll drop the cheats off at the game page when no-one's looking.

Oi, Waluigi, don't use the Mario Kart box for your cowpats! Sorry readers, I'm sure the smell will fade...

Super Mario Sunshine
Wa-ha-haaa-ack-heurgh-ack-ack! Sorry about that - picked up a nasty cold. Just look at how red my nose is. So embarrassing!

I blame having to work over Christmas. Waluigi was supposed to hang around outside the Warehouse ready for our big festive delivery of tips and tricks. I gave him a flask of hot coffee to keep him warm: he thought it was some kind of anti-flu pill and swallowed the entire thing. The IQ of a Christmas tree, that boy.

So it was up to me to freeze my bristles off and bring the tips in from the cold. Turns out it was a cockle-warming selection of Super Mario Sunshine hints. No surprises there - that dunce Mario always needs all the help he can get. Don't know what Peach sees in him, honestly.

Anyway. Check out the tips over at the Super Mario Sunshine game page - and don't you dare miss my next delivery next week. Wa-ha-haaack-eeeuuurgh-hack-hack! Ooh, sorry about that. Here, use my handkerchief to wipe it off.

Resident Evil
Wa-ha-ha-haaa! And that's my genuine laugh there, readers, not my evil laugh. I don't spend my whole life shaking my fist and cackling - that's Nintendo and their stinking propaganda for you.

The warehouse is filling up nicely now - even Waluigi's terrifying stilt-like legs aren't long enough to reach the top of the piles of tips and cheats we've amassed. Maybe I should put him back on the rack for a bit.

So, we've had a massive infestation of hermit crabs at the warehouse. One of them was sniffing around the basement the other night and got his pincer caught in the fuse box, and the whole place blacked out. Then I heard this horrible wailing. Now, it takes a lot to scare Wario, but this unholy howling had my moustache standing on end.

Of course, when we got the lights back on, it turned out to be that dunce Waluigi. He'd put his shoes on the wrong way round in the dark and was walking around in unimaginable pain. Which in many ways is actually the scariest thing of all.

It's suspiciously appropriate, then, that we've taken delivery of some frighteningly good Resident Evil tips this week - tips that we've bunged straight onto the game page for immediate Club Member and VIP 24:7 access.

More next week, or my name isn't Wario. (It is.)

Metroid Fusion
Wa-ha-ha-haaa! Ah, laughter really is the best medicine, readers. I've managed to stave off the common cold for years through the gift of laughter: no bright red nose or bloodshot eyes for me! Oh, hang on...

Anyway. We've had some grief from the authorities this week over our warehouseful of tips and codes. According to the man, you need a license these days to keep a pile of tip-stuffed boxes. Apparently, there's a limit to how high you can stack crates - "Health and safety reasons," was the inspector's explanation. Next they'll be telling me you can't employ chihuahuas as van drivers.

So Waluigi set about dismantling the 273-metre high stack that we referred to fondly as "Big Mama". I had to wipe away a tear as she was brought down to size, box by beautiful box. And, of course, next thing was a call from the Guinness Book of Records - we can wave goodbye to our entry under "Most Senseless Attempt to Defy Fundamental Laws of Gravity". What a day.

Still, it wasn't all bad news: at around the 150-metre mark, Waluigi found a boxful of tips for Metroid Fusion - just before the condor he was using to hitch a ride to the top of the pile finally lost its temper and dumped him in the sea. I've stored the tips for you over at the Metroid Fusion game page - because, underneath it all, I've got a heart of gold.

Now to get Waluigi to finish dismantling Big Mama - crutches or no crutches.

Star Fox Adventures
Wa-ha-ha-haaa! Laugh and the world laughs with you, that's what they say. So, are you laughing? ARE YOU? Hey - calm down there - just a question, just a question.

So, foxes. Never been a fan. Thought I'd left them far behind after I sold off my chicken coop empire (Wario's Wingery) to pay for this warehouse. Chickens, foxes: really, you can't keep them apart. And it doesn't take long to learn that chickens are absolute rubbish at defending themselves - even after five weeks intensive training from that Karate Kid guy. That didn't come cheap, let me tell you.

Anyway. Foxes. Here's what they don't tell you on wildlife documentaries because the man's paying them to keep it quiet. Urban foxes are evolving to survive on paper alone. Rifling through waste bins, they were turning up more paper than food - so now they've adapted to make it their main food source. Very fibrous, see - like flat, white, A4-sized, ink-garnished cornflakes.

So now, of course, I've got wild foxes in every corner of the warehouse, making a meal of my beautiful tips and tricks, then depositing it all in - er, let's say "unreadable" form. Waluigi's been running around with a big net and a juicy mini-dictionary as bait, but those foxes don't half move.

So, quick, take this stack of Star Fox Adventures tips before it disappears down some canine's gob. And don't worry, we'll be fox-free next week - the grizzly bear I've just let loose in the warehouse should do the job.

Yoshi's Island: Super Mario Advance 3
Wa-ha-haaa-haaa! You use half as many muscles laughing as you do frowning, readers. That's why I'm so fat and unfit, see. Possibly.

Anyway, can't hang around long today, Wario fans. One of the boxes of tips and cheats in this week's delivery came with an unexpected extra: a tiny little man with hair all over his body who can't speak a word of English. Oh, alright, it's a monkey - I'm just trying to keep it quiet from the authorities. They'd have a fit if they knew the new guy overseeing deliveries and stacking the shelves was actually a simian.

So, gotta rush - when I say he's 'stacking the shelves', I mean 'knocking down the shelves'. And by 'overseeing deliveries', I mean 'punching and biting the delivery guys while emitting a continuous 100-decibel shriek'. Quick, grab these Yoshi's Island: Super Mario Advance 3 tips - and run... RUN!

Crash Bandicoot XS
Wa-ha-haaa-haaaa! You've got to laugh, readers, otherwise you'd cry. Actually, it's possible to do both at the same time - as I found out recently when Waluigi asked me if cats grow up to be tigers.

You learn fast in this business. This week, I discovered that baby crocodiles might turn their noses up at clipping paper together when we've run out of staples - but they're conversely quite happy to fasten themselves nice and tight onto the end of your finger. Funny, the pain actually subsides after a while, usually at about the same time your vision goes blurry and you lose your voice from the near-continuous screaming.

All credit to Waluigi, though. He found we could loosen the delightful little fellow's grip on my throbbing flesh by gently stroking its back and whispering in its ear. Well, that combined with him and seven delivery guys pulling hard enough to make my eyes water.

So, Waluigi's in charge of the tips and codes deliveries - starting with this week's Crash Bandicoot XS tips for Game Boy Advance - while I lie here with a bandage on my finger the size of a candy floss. Take care, readers... please... take care.

Die Hard: Vendetta
Wa-ha-haaa! I'm so happy, I could dance (I would, too, if it wasn't for my tiny feet). This week the warehouse finally started to pay off. I started this business to make a bit of extra pocket money, and I've been saving up for a state-of-the-art home cinema system.

Unfortunately my meagre expenses couldn't quite stretch to a 64-inch widescreen, surround sound TV/DVD player combo. Instead Waluigi is putting on puppet show versions of famous movies. Tonight it's Die Hard, starring a toilet brush as John McClane, with a special guest appearance by my hat as a helicopter.

All this action movie malarkey has got me in the mood for some film-based game tips. So if you zip over to the Die Hard: Vendetta page you'll find some top-class codes that will unlock some very peculiar cheats...

Hamtaro: Ham-Hams Unite!
Wa-ha-haa! I'm not laughing, readers, I'm crying. You see, my hamster Fluffy died. In 1986. But it still hurts to this day. The reason I've been forced to remember was your requests for help on Hamtaro: Ham-Hams Unite!

So, in honour of Fluffy's passing away, I've decided to take a break from dishing out the tips, tricks and codes to bring you some hamster-themed FAQs.

You'll find all the answers at the Hamtaro: Ham-Hams Unite! game page. All I ask is that you sign in as a Club Member or VIP. Then follow the trail of little sunflower seeds. Oh Fluffy...boo hoo!

Phantasy Star Online
Wa-ha-haaa-haaaa! I tell you, readers, I've been having a whale of a time since I took my Nintendo GameCube 'on the line'.

I've got to admit, the technology's a bit over my head - the most modern bit of kit we've had in the Warehouse up to now is a toasted sandwich maker. But setting up to play Phantasy Star Online over the 'net is simplicity itself, so even Waluigi managed it with only two of the breaks he needs to soothe his throbbing brain.

Playing online is like living a whole other life. In Phantasy Star Online, I can scamper around forests and caves and smash up monsters with my big sword. In real life, I sometimes have to physically lift my stomach off the floor in order to walk. I've made lots of new friends on the line, too - although I just don't trust the one who calls himself 'Oiram', can't quite put my finger on it...

Anyway, to this week's Phantasy Star Online tips: delivered straight from my mind, via the combined power of pen and moving wrist. Click over to the game page to swot up on all my best on the line tactics - and don't say I never give you anything, alright?

The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers
Wario returns! I caught Mario peeking through the keyhole the other day - smacked him in the chops with the door and asked him when he's getting his own weekly Nintendo column. His face went redder than the weeping boil on my thigh!

The Warehouse roof is leaking again. This is because Waluigi has made holes in the roof. And this is because Waluigi had a good long think about his pet hamster's cage, and decided that we need airholes just like him to avoid 'having to gasp for air like a mad fish'. His words.

Now rainwater is pouring into our hard-earned boxes of tips and cheats. So if you were to ask me, 'How do I get past this bit of game so-and-so?', my answer after consulting our extensive tips library would invariably be, 'A rectangular block of slimy grey-blue mush'.

What's worse, we're right on the flight path of several species of migrating bird - so exhausted sparrows keep dropping out of the sky and into my tea. So, apologies if this batch of The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers cheats contains a panting, sweating bird. Normal service - and my precious roof - will be restored next week.

Sonic Mega Collection
Wario rules! Not literally, of course - although I do keep a small boxful of ants in the airing cupboard, and peer in occasionally in the hope they'll worship me as a benevolent deity.

The warehouse is now so full of boxes of tips and cheats that the walls are bulging. According to an inspector we had sniffing around the other day, if the walls finally give way then the resulting flood of paper will wipe out the entire western seaboard of Europe. I can see the headlines now. You know, "Flood of paper wipes out entire western seaboard of Europe", that sort of thing.

As a result, we're starting to clear out some of the older tips. I had another patented Wario brainwave - shredded paper makes ideal bedding for hamsters. Of course, I meant we should sell it as bedding to other people - but Waluigi got the wrong end of the stick as usual, and came back from the shops with a paper shredder and a truck full of 7000 hamsters.

So now I'm having to tiptoe around a warehouseful of snoozing rodents to fetch new cheats - like this batch of Sonic Mega Collection codes. Lucky I've got mesmerisingly tiny feet, eh, readers?

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
I'm-a Wario - I'm-a gonna win! Assuming we're not talking about anything that involves physical exercise, of course.

So, Waluigi's stuck approximately half a kilometre below the earth's crust. And all because I asked him to check the wash label on his filthy shirt. He didn't think to actually take the shirt off - started spinning around like a dog chasing its tail, and ended up churning his way into the ground like a giant purple drill while I stood and watched with the kind of calm neutrality that I reserve for these special Waluigi moments.

Around half an hour's rumbling, bits of rock and molten magma stopped being spat out of the hole, and I heard the words, "Ah! Why don't I just take the shirt off to have a look?" echoing up to me from the bottom of a 500m-deep well.

The plan is for him to use his unnervingly pointed chin as a makeshift pickaxe, allowing him to gradually claw his way back up to civilization. In the meantime, give these The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past tips - maybe you'll have totally finished the game by the time Waluigi's mud-soaked form finally flops back onto the warehouse floor, eh?

Resident Evil 0
Wa-ha-haa-haaaaa! Wario returns! From the shops. Just had to pop out for some milk.

So, the marmosets have invaded. As I warned Waluigi time and time again, this is what happens when you leave carbohydrate-rich tree sap lying around the warehouse. A marmoset is drawn to tree sap like, er, a fridge magnet to, um... a fridge. Now we've been overrun with tiny monkeys. You might as well rename this 'Wario's Marmoset House' and be done with it.

The thing about marmosets is that they have specially-adapted incisors to gouge holes in trees. To get at the sap, see. Waluigi, I'm looking at you. Anyway, what they don't tell you in the textbooks is that these incisors are also specially adapted for ripping great big holes in my dungarees. They don't sell dungarees in Regal Purple just anywhere, you know - and I refuse to use ugly cloth patches. I care about my appearance!

So, job one: get rid of the marmosets. Waluigi's singing should fix that. Job two: buy new dungarees. I'm sure I can 'buy' some from Mario - I think the 'shop' should be 'open' for 'business' around midnight, when he's fast asleep. Heh-heh.

That thought's cheered me up. Here, take these Resident Evil 0 tips. Oh, no, wait - I was using them to cover up the hole in the dungarees! Oh, the shame.

Metroid Prime
Hello readers. Sorry there's no 'Wa-ha-haa!' to greet you this time but I'm far too tired. I've been at the hospital all night with Waluigi after a silly stunt went horribly wrong. He was so excited after playing Metroid Prime, he decided to replicate Samus's Morph Ball transformation. Suffice to say, the doctors are still trying to straighten him out now.

Apparently they need a special chiropractor - otherwise my dimwit brother will look permanently like a Danish pastry. So, to make sure no-one else ends up experiencing a similarly twisted fate, today's tips will help those of you stuck on Metroid Prime's trickiest moment - the final boss battle.

Go to the game page and - if you're a Club Member or VIP - find out how to send that big beastie packing. Now, if you'll excuse me, Waluigi wanted me to find the crowbar...

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Wa-ha-haaa! I apologise for shouting but I've stuffed my ears with cotton wool because of the infernal noise coming from Waluigi's room. Allow me to explain. Please..?

Last night Waluigi was doing the washing up and the klutz broke my favourite coffee cup (the one with two handles and a spout). He said he knew how to reverse the damage, and retreated into his room.

Hours later he came out covered in dried clay and brandishing a strange object. He then said something like 'Ocarina of Time!', and slammed the door again.

For the past 12 hours I've had to put up with an awful whining that sounds like a cat stuck in a drainpipe. I don't have the heart to tell Waluigi that I've already been to the shops and bought another coffee cup.

So while I'm waiting for him to hyperventilate and pass out, allow me to give you tips for the one and only The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - available as a limited edition bonus disc with The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker.

Now, I think it's time for a nice cup of coffee...

First entry
When Nintendo asked me to report on the E3 show for them, I was looking forward to a first-class flight and a room at a top Los Angeles hotel. Suffice to say, I didn't get quite what I expected. Not that I mind hitching a lift on a fishing trawler. Via Antarctica. And my caravan in the convention centre car park is fairly roomy. But who cares? I'm here for the games! You can find all the info on the E3 announcements at our special E3 microsite, plus see below for my personal hands-on reports on the choicest Nintendo announcements. Let's begin!

Mario Kart: Double Dash!! (Nintendo GameCube) My personal favourite (and it's not just because I'm in it). Each kart now has two racers - one driving, the other handling the power-ups - who can switch places at any time. Plus, you can link GameCubes together using the Broadband Adaptor, allowing for eight player action!

F-Zero GX (Nintendo GameCube) Oh, the thrill, the excitement...my hands are still trembling. Nintendo and SEGA have combined to create the ultimate supersonic racer. The sheer speed of this game is mind-boggling, plus you can save your custom car to a Memory Card and race it in the arcade version of the game, F-Zero AX.

Advance Wars 2: Black Hole Rising (Game Boy Advance) The go-anywhere strategy masterpiece has returned! Advance Wars 2 continues the story of last year's hit, featuring new COs and powers (including Super CO powers), as old enemies now band together to take on a common foe. Can't wait..!

Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes (Nintendo GameCube) The classic 'sneak-em-up' returns in a new incarnation, only on Nintendo GameCube! Combining the story of the original Metal Gear Solid with the gorgeous graphics and gripping gameplay of its sequel, this is going to be Snake-tastic!

Last but not least... There were so many games on show at E3, my poor little feet couldn't get to them all. You can find more info on these at the E3 microsite.

Second entry
Wa-ha-haa... haaa... heh. Hooooo. Jet-lag readers - I've just flown back from the E3 expo in Los Angeles, see. First class seats, naturally. They're the only ones big enough.

I got to play all the big games at the show - even the ones starring over-rated bit-players that no-one gives a Flying Feather about, e.g. facial hair disaster Mario, and Donkey 'too-much-toothpaste' Kong. I actually spoke to a certain Nintendo big cheese about why exactly they continue to back Mario and friends. He told me to get out of his hotel room.

So, the Game of the Show? Let me tell you that the buzz was very much centred around Wario World and Wario Ware Inc, two games that shone from the showfloor like mislaid pennies shimmering from a pavement. Showgoers just wouldn't play any other game. Or rather, they couldn't - I vandalised all the other games' demo pods.

"I'll be reporting back with first-hand gameplay info on all Nintendo's new titles next week - and revealing exclusively why Wario and Waluigi are the only characters worth bothering with in Mario Kart: Double Dash!!. In the meantime, these Burnout 2 codes should get you in the racing mood. Go!

Enter the Matrix
Wa-ha-haa! This week I finally reached the end of my tether with our cheats filing system. It all started after we detected a noxious smell coming from row 'F', and discovered a banana sandwich that Waluigi had dropped down the back of one of the filing cabinets six months ago.

Once we'd politely persuaded the banana sandwich (who now likes to be called 'Sir') to leave the building, I decided to install a digital filing system. So - one trip to the local computer store later - and Wario's Warehouse has finally entered the 21st century.

The guy in the shop gave me a really good deal on their latest model. It's got a whopping 3,000 bytes of RAM, a thermal printer (none of that laser rubbish) and even a green screen monitor (they must have got the idea from that Matrix film).

Speaking of which, that brings me neatly (and totally coincidentally) to this week's cheat delivery. I've just received some lovely codes for Enter the Matrix that let you hack into the game and do all kinds of cool stuff.

Now, please excuse me while I hack into Waluigi's head and try to stop him eating any more banana sandwiches.

WarioWare, Inc.: Minigame Mania
Wa-ha-haaa! What an interesting week it's been. I've received hundreds of letters and phonecalls asking for help with my latest game, Wario Ware.

However, it's Wario's Warehouse company policy not to give out cheats for my own games. But after a great deal of thought (and after eating some nice cakes that people had left for me) I've decided to reconsider.

So, today I can exclusively reveal to you a bunch of Wario Ware, Inc.: Minigame Mania tips and cheats, personally approved by yours truly. And don't forget, when you want tips for Wario World, I really like rhubarb crumble...

Ikaruga
Wa-ha-haa! Greetings, my cheat-hunting friends. Because the weather's been so nice, this week I decided to organise some spring cleaning for the warehouse.

So, while I put my feet up with an iced tea, I sent Waluigi off to the paint shop to get some bright colours to replace these boring grey walls. But what does he bring back? More grey. Then he explained that the guy in the shop persuaded him to buy their latest product: black and white paint.

So, while Waluigi gets to work repainting the entire warehouse with a fresh coat of grey, I thought I'd give you all some tips for that crazy colour-changing shoot 'em up Ikaruga.

But beware, if you're expecting these tips to make this rock-hard game any easier, you're in for a shock...

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
Wa-ha-haa! I have some sad news to report, readers. The other day, Waluigi finally finished painting the walls with a fresh coat of grey, and the place absolutely stank (of paint, not Waluigi).

So, I opened up all the doors and windows to release the stench. Trouble is, the weather decided to betray me, and a massive gale swept through the warehouse, taking everything with it.

Now, every street for miles around is littered with paper from my cheat files. Waluigi is out there now with a big pointy stick, picking it all up.

So this week's cheat was an easy choice, as it was the only one the wind didn't blow away. Ironically, it's for The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. So, if you want to find out how to get the Deluxe Picto Box and enter the Nintendo Gallery, click the link.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have a little cry...

Wario World
Wa-ha-haaa! I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams. Or, at least I would be if life was like videogames. You see, while my persona in Wario World had a golden castle filled with treasure, the truth is sadly more humble.

No, instead of swimming in piles of coins and feasting on the finest foods from across the world, I make game tips. In my own little way, I'm happy.

And you'll be happy too, if you're having trouble defeating the tricky bosses lying in wait at the end of each Wario World level. But do not fear - Wario is here to help. If you're a VIP or Club Member, go to the game page and click on Tips and Tricks, and all will be revealed!

Hamtaro: Ham-Ham Heartbreak
Wa-ha-haa! Welcome Wario fans! Please excuse my lateness, as I'm writing this from a hotel room because of an accident in the warehouse.

Instead of the usual batch of game tips, Waluigi wrongly ordered 5 tons of sunflower seeds, so the warehouse is now infested with hamsters.

At the moment they're quite cute but by the time they've finished eating they'll have become rampaging mega-hamsters, bent on world domination. Or maybe they'll just get fat and go to sleep.

Anyway, the situation has given me a great idea. If you're a Club Member or VIP, go to the Hamtaro: Ham-Ham Heartbreak game page and check out the tips on how to reunite Hamtaro's furry friends.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to reunite Waluigi's nose with my fist...

First entry
Wa-ha-haa! My troubles are over! I've come up with a foolproof money-making scheme...

I realised that people pay a lot of money for anything collectable. That's why I've sent Waluigi out to buy 500,000 dancing Elvis car ornaments. In 50 years time, they'll make me a millionaire!

On the theme of collecting, all those Pokémon Ruby and Pokémon Sapphire fans out there will be pleased to know I've put together a mini guide to the game, so you won't miss out on catching all those Pokémon.

More help is on its way soon, and we begin this week with a guide to the games' first few challenges. Enjoy!

Second entry
Wa-ha... Sorry readers, but I don't have the strength for the full 'Wa-ha-haa!" this week. I've just returned from holiday, but I feel like I need another one.

I wanted a week of peace and quiet, so that I could finally finish Pokémon Ruby and Pokémon Sapphire. So Waluigi got two cheap tickets to a desert island.

First, our 'desert island' turned out to be the island in the middle of the local boating lake. Second, the 'hotel' (actually a shed) was overrun with ducks.

I've had no sleep, food or water, and I'm covered in duck bites. But at least I had time to come up with some super tips for Pokémon Ruby and Pokémon Sapphire.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare Waluigi's lunch - duck soup.

Third entry
Wa-ha-haaa! What a weird week. I entered Waluigi in a beauty competition in an attempt to win some much-needed cash. But when we turned up, I realised I'd misread the poster - it was really a dog show.

But we're desperate for the money, so we went ahead anyway. He sailed through the 'fetch a bone' and 'play dead' sections but when it came to the obstacle course, I knew we'd be in trouble. Suffice to say that Waluigi's now in hospital, having a small plastic tunnel removed from his head.

Oh well. But at least it gave me a great idea for this week's tips. Pokémon Contests, as seen in Pokémon Ruby and Pokémon Sapphire, give you the chance to show off your Pokémon proudly to the public.

Go to the Pokémon Ruby or Pokémon Sapphire game pages and - if you're a VIP or Club Member - you'll find the tips ready and waiting.

Advance Wars 2: Black Hole Rising
Greetings my cheat disciples. This week I hit upon a brilliant idea to increase the efficiency of the Warehouse. I don't need more staff, I just need to make Waluigi more intelligent. So I'm teaching him how to play chess.

It's been an uphill struggle so far. Making him understand the difference between black and white was the hardest part. Then he wanted to eat the pawns. But it seems to be working: he's just managed to tie one of his shoelaces all by himself.

While I've been waiting for Waluigi to make his moves - which can take anything up to a day - I've been playing Advance Wars 2: Black Hole Rising. So far, I've worked out some fantastic tips for you, which are available to VIPs and Club Members at the game page now.

So, Waluigi, have you made your move yet? Waluigi! Put that pawn down!

First entry
Wa-ha-haaa-haaaa! Just when you thought I was out, they pull me back in! Yes, esteemed readers of mine, I am back! After three long, cold years, Wario’s Warehouse opens its doors for shady business once again, helping you cheat your way through a silly little platform game called New Super Mario Bros.

‘Why now?’ you might ask. Well, because I thought I’d made sure Mario would never do a 2D platform game again, that’s why! After all, it’s been 13 years since his last attempt in Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins for the Game Boy, in which yours truly took over his stinking castle! Good times…

We all know what happened after that. Mario lost his nerve, legged it, and left me to take the series to levels that little plumber couldn’t even reach with the help of every Toad in the Mushroom Kingdom!

But now it looks like ol’ Mario got his groove back. He probably thinks that by now people have forgotten how good the Wario Land games were! Don’t let him fool you, boys and girls; why else do you think he never even sent me an invitation for his stupid little comeback? Bah!

Well guess what? I’m back too, to spoil all the fun! Did you know, for example, that you don’t even have to play as Mario? Go to the File Select screen and keep the L and R buttons pressed when you select your file with A. Now you get to play as Luigi instead! Ha, how do you like them rigatoni, Mario?

Of course, both of those brothers lack my superior strength, so in order to get either one of them closer to the princess, you’re gonna need some help.

Why not create your own Toad Houses at the start of each world? Keep an eye on the timer when you reach the end of a level. Finish with a time of x11, x22 or x33 and – presto!- a red Toad House appears with a fresh item. If it’s extra lives you’re looking for, try finishing with a time of x44, x55 or x66 to make a green Toad House appear. And if you want to make Mario a bit more like me, get an orange Toad House with a Mega Mushroom by finishing the level with x77, x88 or x99 on the clock.

Finally, if you hate Mario’s ugly touch screen background as much as I do, just save the princess as soon as you can and go to the new blue Toad House at the start of World 1 to buy a nifty new wallpaper with your Star Coins!

That’s it for today folks, but no fear, I’ll be back soon to tell you all about finding those alternate exits and the toughest Star Coins. Mario, better watch your back…

Second entry
Wa-ha-ha-haaa! Urk! Ouch, that hurt. Sometimes, readers, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. At the moment I'm doing both…

Why? Well…Waluigi and I were coming back from the tip and trick wholesalers the other day, with bags full of fresh tips to stock the Warehouse, when Waluigi suggested we take a shortcut through a nearby Warp Pipe. It was his best idea since…well, ever.

Naturally I let Waluigi go first with the shopping. After my beanpole of a brother had slipped through, squealing with glee like an idiot, I followed…and promptly got stuck.

There I was, well and truly wedged in a Warp Pipe with no-one around to help, for three whole days! With my arms trapped, all I could do was scream for food, water and - most of all - someone to scratch my nose.

Anyway, it was while in my green, tubular prison that I got to thinking about this week's tips (and sending in a stern pipe-widening application to the local council).

It seems that many of you are stuck, in your own metaphorical ways, in New Super Mario Bros., unable to find the secret Worlds 4 and 7. Well, allow me to help. (Because I'm such a nice man and not bitter or twisted or wanting to spoil Mario's stupid, rotten little game or anything like that…)

All you have to do is defeat the bosses of Worlds 2 and 5, respectively, as Mini Mario. Oh, how I wish I could have become Mini Wario when I was stuck in that pesky pipe…

There is an alternate route to World 7 too, which means finding a secret exit in World 4 Ghost House (and bring a Mini Mushroom, too, as you'll need it). Towards the end of the level, look for a vertical gap that only Mini Mario can Wall Jump through. Beyond it you'll find the final Star Coin and a door which leads to a warp cannon that'll blast you to World 7.

It turns out that there are other secret routes in some of the other levels, too. I won't tell you exactly where to look (how else am I to keep up this bad boy persona?) but here are the levels and where they lead:

World 1 Tower - World 5 World 2-A - World 5 World 3 Ghost House - World 6 World 4 Ghost House - World 7 World 5 Ghost House - World 8

So, you're probably wondering, how did I finally escape the warp pipe? Well, it's highly embarrassing and I don't want to talk about it - ever - but let's just say I had to call a (ahem) plumber. Grrr!