The 'Shroom:Issue 105/Fake News

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Fake News

Editorial
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Welcome to a special Holiday edition of the Fake News and Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Season's Greetings, Happy New Year, Happy Birthday Isaac Newton, etc. This year, I've learnt that doing all of your Christmas shopping on December 24th is truly the smartest way to do things.

2015's drawing to a close and it's been one hell of a year. Lots of ups and downs... high and lows... lefts and rights...?

I really can't think of anything else to write here. My imagination must've finally died. Have a great 2016, and I'll see you next year!

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Santa Claus Time always changes things, last month I was singing the praises of whoever killed Pink Gold Peach... I mean mourning, probably. But this month I have to start on a very sombre note. Not going to sugercoat this, mainly because sugar may be in poor taste here, but Santa Claus has died. Now I'm sure many of you have guessed that this means Christmas is ruined... and you're right. Christmas is 100% ruined, and no-one is going to be delivering any toys, on the bright side if you brought someone a shoddy gift, you don't have to give it to them anymore.

Now, I'm sure the first question on many of your lips is "Should I get a refund for these last minute batteries now?" "How did he die?" And I can safely say that it was the result of a sleigh accident that resulted in him being... sleighed. Numerous reports stated that his sleigh was swooshing and turning and tumbling which led many to suspect that he was a bit tipsy. Blood cultures that were released by forensics earlier today indicated a blood level so high that it could only have been attained had someone been drinking alcohol from billions of house for hundreds of years, or had been on a pub crawl.

The funeral has attended by hundreds of elves, as well as esteemed members of the Mario series, such as Mario, Toad, and someone who prided himself on heavily resembling the deceased: Smithy. The process nearly went without a hitch, it was only when they had to push him down a cremation shaft they had to determine if previous occupants had been naughty or nice.

Now, I'm sure many of you remember at the start of this, I mentioned how Christmas had been ruined, but thankfully it's been unruined, as the man on the left has bravely accepted the job. No-one knows his qualifications, or anything about him, but it can be assumed that he'll do a bang-up job... or just a normal bog-standard job... or a really bad one. Let's hope for the former folks.

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Hello, discerning music lovers! This is a very special occasion, as I get to review the 1994 holiday classic "Songs About Bones" by Dead Bones. Why am I reviewing a 20 year old album? Because it's being graciously reissued (with bonus tracks, of course)!

Dead Bones is a bit of an oddball in the electronica scene of which he's worked quite a niche for himself. For quite a while, his recordings were only available to purchase via a mail-order, and only as mp3 files on a 100 MB zip disk. A fair weight of the zip disk's storage was occupied by some dozens of very compressed pictures of Dead Bones' personal belongings, presumably for insurance documentation purposes.

It's shorter album, with only three movements in the suite.

1. Christmas in Late November - 8:55 2. Santa Had Better Like 2% - 14:01 3. Pet Stockings - 8:21

The album's biggest weakness is how well it's aged. Dead Bones' insistence on referencing then-topical events, such as the brutal hit-and-run of a local Toad on Black Friday, who was trying to secure a Christmas present for his son. This of course turned out to be a very misinterpreted report of one of Mario's yearly karting events, so most of the punch from the track is gone. Pet Stockings is the real Christmas standard of the lot, though. The fantastically heartwrenching track of the loss of a family pet still hits home today. What you don't get from listening to the album version of the track (as opposed to the radio single) is the extra ~4 minutes of reindeer field recordings that really brings the whole thing to a fantastic close.

Despite the albums weak points, this reissue is still worth a buy if you are a fan of holiday staples or got rid of your zip disk drive.

7/10

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NEXandGBX walks up to the stage after entering through the (still broken) entrance to host his Monthly Inquisition. He sits on his chair, though upon seeing Stargazing in the audience, he promptly falls off. Nex lets off a sigh and says "Yep... same as always..." while climbing back on. "Ahem... anyhow, welcome to the Montly Inquisit-"

A Shellcreeper in the audience bursts in laughter saying "BAHAHAHAHA! DID YOU JUST SAY MONTLY INQUISITION?!".

"Yes... anyways, welcome to the MONTHLY Inquisition. I'm your host, NEXandGBX. Just call me Nex." Nex speaks loud and clear. "Today, on our third episode, we've got a guest of a particularly common species around these parts. Though they're weak, they've got quite a bit of versatility. Ladies and gents, welcome the humble Goomba!"

A Goomba walks up slowly to his seat and sits down. "We've got translators at the ready..." Nex explains.

"Hi, uh, I'm Steven. I'm a Goomba who works for King Bowser Koopa." The Goomba introduces. In shock, Nex shouts "Whoa, you can speak?!"

"Yes, I can. All Goombas do. We just make those noises in an attempt to scare the pesky plumbers away." Steven replies. "Though I'm on my winter break right now."

"Wow, Bowser doesn't seem like the type of person to give anyone a break." Nex states. "Anyways, what are your plans for the holidays?" Steven just imitates walking on his chair. "...practice walking?" Nex says a bit confused. Steven nods.

Nex gets out of his chair. "You know, what exactly is your plan for stopping the Mario Brothers?"

Steven replies "Yeah, I can run ya through. First, our usual method is just strollin."

"Strolling?" Nex says. "And that accomplishes...?"

Steven jumps up and says "A lot, actually! For one, it's refreshing. Secondly, we sometimes end up hurting our prey!"

Nex thinks to himself "Your prey, huh... you seem more like the prey to me..."

"Thirdly, it opens the door for MORE strategy!" Steven finishes explaining. "What kind of strategies you ask? I'll tell ya! You know those walls? Yeah, we actually turn around when we bump into those. Gives us a better chance of catching him off guard."

"I see..." Nex replies. "But what about you guys jumping down pits? What's that all about?"

Steven starts to explain yet again. "Well, they could be hiding anywhere! I can't count the amount of times I've seen comrades get squashed because a plumber was in the pits."

"Sometimes, I see you guys chasing after them instead of walking in a line. Why don't you just do that?" Nex asks.

"That's unofficial strategy!" Steven shouts. "I, for one, follow Bowser's order and only his!"

"But if that's the case, why are you answering my questions period? These are technically orders, since it is an interview and all." Nex asks.

"I, uh... not important, anyways, I'll set up a demonstration!" Steven replies. He calls upon five Hammer Bros. Three of them move the stage props, one makes a small brick wall, and one smashes a hole in the stage's floor."

Steven then begins walking to the left, right near the wall. The crowd, Nex, and the Hammer Bros all begin to watch. Upon running into the wall, Steven turns around. The Shellcreeper in the crowd (same one as before) shouts "WOO! GO STEVEN!" as he raises up his Pepsi cup.

Steven then proceeds to walk to the right, into the pit.

Walking...

...walking...

...aaaaand dead.

The crowd leaves in disgust, the five Hammer Bros walk out the exit back to Bowser's castle, and Nex stares at the hole.

"Ooooh, this is bad. This is very very bad..."

To be continued...

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Prologue
It was a relaxed December morning in Yoshi876 and GBAToad's home; the scent of cinnamon and baked cookies permeated the air, the old radio on top of the kitchen counter played everybody's favorite seasonal songs, and the warmth of the house clashing with the crisp chillness of the outside produced a light frost on the windowpanes. Outside of the kitchen, the living room was graced by a colorful array of garlands, lights strung up around the windowsills and on the shelves, a nice rug located in the center of the room, two stockings hanging by the chimney, and a tall tree with all sorts of presents underneath. Above all else, after a long and often stressful year, the Christmas spirit was strong and could be felt throughout every room.



*singing along with the radio* ♫ Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... ♫ Yoshi... ♫ Jack Frost nipping at your nose... ♫ Hey man, listen... ♫ Yuletide carols being sung by a c&mdash; ♫ DUDE! Huh!? What? Oh, sorry, I zoned out there. Let's check the cookies; I think they might be done.

The duo pulled the tray out of the oven and saw atop an amazing batch of warm, golden brown cookies; it was the perfect gift to give to Santa for the holiday. As they moved the cookies onto a plate and placed them on the table in the living room, there was a knock at the door. Yoshi876 was surprised when he answered:

Yo, Toad! Come here! What's up? Who's there? I thought we'd never see these people again...

Standing at the door were none other than SMB, Dippy, and Packy. The three had gone missing several months earlier in October, after a feud between Packy and the other two involving space rocks and pie led to their banishment in an inderdimensional void. Stories of the disappearances spread far and wide, and everybody presumed the trio to be dead. But there they stood, on Yoshi876 and GBAToad's snowy lawn, just outside of the doorway.

A! Trick or treat! Packy, mate, it's not Halloween anymore! It's almost Christmas! Oh... ヽ( ◕ヮ◕)ノ Hey! Uh, not to be rude, but aren't you all dead? Nah fam, we just got stuck in an interdimensional void for the past two months. How did you all even get out? ...We got better. ... ...  That's so... cool! D'awww, thanks. :') Anyway, what brings you three here?  After our lAst Adventure, Dippy's And my houses were destroyed... We hAve nowhere to stAy.  Say no more. Yoshi and I would be happy to have you stay with us while you sort out your situations.  ReAlly? I hope it's not too much of An imposition.  Sure, come on in!

Unforeseen Consequences
So a new day had begun, and Yoshi876 and GBAToad would proceed about their daily routines as if they didn't have an elf wearing a dress, an Australian electric rat, and a gluttonous cosmic horror living in their home, leaving the three of their guests to lay down on their home floor and feel like garbage. That was, until the trio decided to actually do something...

Gee, it sure wAs nice of Yoshi876 and GBAToAd to invite us over to stAy! I hope they made lotsa cookies, wanker. They did. I ate 'em all. (^ Q ^)/ For Poochy's sake! PAcky, we reAlly need to tAlk About this "eAting everything" business. It's OK, there's plenty of ingredients around. Let's just bake our own cookies! ...That's not a bad call, mate. We could send them to SAntA As penitence for our crimes bAck in HAlloween! Penitence? This isn't the bloody altar, mate. Get into the ChristmAs spirit, Dippy! After All, we're honouring the birth of our lord and savior Poochy. My Lord and saviour lives in a palace hidden away in a pocket dimension somewhere in a mountain. I haven't seen him in about a billion years, but sometimes he throws plates at me. ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) ...Right, well, let's get stArted!

And so, our heroes proceeded to bake. They baked and they baked into the late hours of the afternoon, baking with such ferocity that it was as if their entire holidays depended on it... actually it did, kind of. After a massive mess made, the trio were done. The cookies were baked, packed, and ready to go. After a short trip to the post office, our heroes returned home triumphantly, having finally made up for the bad karma they accumulated in their last adventure. There was... just one slight problem...

Wowwee, I hAven't worked up A sweAt like thAt since I convinced thAt idiot to do A wAlnut report! That worked up a good day's piss, no doubt. Do these buggers have any spare jars laying around? Well with that done, I'm going to go dig into my secret stash for a bit. ｡･ﾟ･◝( ◕ ͜ʖ ◕)◜･ﾟ･｡ Oh, thAt blue stuff you hAd in your room? I used thAt. You... you did what? Well I noticed you were hiding it, so I figured it'd mAke a greAt Addition to the cookies! SAntA will love them! Mate, did you seriously put some unidentified substance from another dimension into Santa's cookies? Well yeAh, I'm sure he's never tAsted cookies like thAt before! You... IDIOT! That was Stardust, my, err... recreational medication... if Santa takes that, he'll be out like a light for the entirety of Christmas Day! ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε┏(ﾟロﾟ)┛ WhAt?! No... no ChristmAs?! No presents?! You really fucked up there, Kyle. Guys, I wholeheArtedly Accept my mistAke And will personAlly tAke responsibility for fixing this disAster! We're going to the North Pole! B-b-but I hate the cold... (っಠ益ಠ)っ You bloody mad, mate? We have 10 hours to reach Santa's workshop before he starts delivering toys, you really think we can make it there in time? Don't worry, being the responsible leAder thAt I Am, I hAve AlreAdy come up with A solution... let's steAl Yoshi876's ride! ROAD TRIIIIIIP! An hour later...

Where the hell's the car? Maybe they just... borrowed it for a bit? Perhaps they're planning a surprise for us. Hang on, I know I had the key somewhere... What smells like burning? ... ...

On the road trip...

Are we there yet? No. Are we there yet? No. Are we there yet? NO! Are we there yet? PAcky! The North Pole is over 4000 miles from where we live, it's not going to tAke An hour for us to get there, Alright?! Oh... ...  Why is the North Pole so far away? :3 Alright, I've about had enough of this. *cocks rifle* Dippy, whAt the HELL Are you doing with thAt in the cAr?! Piss off, SMB, this is between me and the kid. Mate, you ask us one more goddamn stupid question, I bloody dare you, and we'll see how cosmic that skull of yours is! I... uhh, hey man, look I just... You just what? Got bored and decided to play 20 questions with us? We're on an important, time-sensitive mission here, you bloody wanker, if you don't start taking things seriously you'll jeopardise the who&mdash; Oh goodness, there's something in the road! *car thumps* Uh oh! *gun shot* *car leans to one side* WHAT THE...!?! ...Why are we stopping? (´･ω･`) Piss! My aim was off... Did you just blow out our tire? For POOCHY'S SAKE, I only had one bloody round! I knew I forgot to pack something! *WHACK* OW! What the bloody hell was that for?! You SHOT OUR TIRE, you trigger-hAppy idiot! Well if this little twerp wasn't being such a nuisance! You SHOT HIM for being Annoying! WhAt is the mAtter with you?! Shoulda saved that bullet for you, ya punter.

After some rather heated exchanges among the group, the three finally decided to get out of the car and assess the situation. When Dippy observed the car, she noticed that the tire was shredded to pieces and that Yoshi876 apparently didn't keep a spare in the trunk. SMB discovered that he had run over an acoustic guitar and music stand, but amid the wreckage he found a strange guitar pick that he was compelled to take with him. When he had come back to the car, Packy suggested camping out since it was almost nighttime; but first, they were all starving and wanted a bite to eat.

Dippy, do you hAve our rAtions? Too right, I do. Unlike some people around here, I actually put the effort in. OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY I can't wait to eat maybe it'll be hamburgers or turkey breast or radioactive mushrooms, or maybe even&mdash; ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε┏( ◕ ͜ʖ ◕)┛ ... ...  Dig in, boys. You're in for a real bloody gourmet treat tonight. Dippy... this is beer... Too bloody right, mate! Top label Carlton Draught, fresh from the fridge! Doesn't get much better than this! But... I'm underaged... speaking in terms of your Earth years, I mean. Dippy, you colossAl IDIOT! Well bugger me, if you lot can't appreciate true taste, then more for me! I'll give you A lot more thAn just A slAb full of beer, you monumentAl let-down! OW! OOOOOWWW! NOT THE EARS! Brutality, brutality!

And no one ate dinner that night... but there was one very sore, very drunk Pikachu.

Playin' in a Rock and Roll Band
The night had passed, and the next day dawned; Christmas Eve was upon our heroes. The three had less than a day to save Christmas, for Santa was to begin his deliveries in the evening and would likely want a sweet treat before his departure. As for our trio? Well, they had no food, no money, and no way to even get around. Having grown frustrated and tired, they had fallen asleep; SMB and Packy could be found in the car, whereas Dippy had passed out in a grassy area nearby with a beer bottle in hand. The situation appeared to be very dim, until something strange happened:

In the car... Zzz... Zzz... *distant footsteps* Zzz... Zzz... *slam against car door* AAAAhhhhh! Urgh! ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

SMB and Packy were abruptly woken up by the startling noise, and subsequently hopped out of the car to see what had happened. They caught sight of a person frantically running toward the ruins of the guitar and music stand in the distance. They went over to Dippy to get her up, but she simply told them to get lost and to let her sleep off her headache; instead, the two decided to take matters into their own hands and approach the strange person.

Hey buddy, is everything okAy? You look A little lost... Yeah, is there any way we can help? (´･ω･`) *stranger turns around* Wow SMB, I haven't seen you in forever. Don't you remember me? Oh, Stooben; whAt A surprise! WhAt Are you doing out here? Well, I've been trying to get gigs recently. Doesn't help that my equipment is in pieces... ...ThAt's A reAl shAme. I wish I could hAve cAught the guy thAt broke your stuff. But SMB! (´ ▽ ` )ﾉ Weren't we the ones that ran over i...&mdash; *covers Packy's mouth with hand* Shut it! AnywAy, we just found the equipment like this. WhAt wAs it doing out here, AnywAy? I think my disgruntled band mates stole it from my van. I'd never throw my stuff in the middle of the road. Yikes, mAn. We're hAving A few problems of our own here... Our cAr's stAlled And we hAve somewhere to be now. Hm... I might be able to help you, but do you guys think you could do me a favor? *off in the distance* Ergh... Five more minutes... Like I mentioned earlier, my band mates stormed off, and I have a show this afternoon...

The three troubled heroes somehow found themselves on stage with Stooben Rooben, who promised to help them get the car back on the road if the group raised enough money at the performance. With Packy on percussion, SMB on bass, Stooben on guitar, and Dippy on vocals, they were ready to jam. Things started off well, until Packy had a sneezing fit during an intricate drum solo; the sheer force blew the cymbals onto SMB's head, which caused Dippy to burst into laughter. In frustration, the makeshift bass player threw his instrument to the ground; as a result, one of the strings that popped struck the blue Pikachu's leg and created a strong electrical current.

Oi mate, watch it! Guys, something weird is hAppening... What's going on here?

All of a sudden, the pick that SMB had picked up earlier rose out of his pocket and flew over to Stooben.

Oh my, I thought I had lost it! Is thAt your pick, Stooben? Not only is it my pick: it is the Pick of Destiny! Sounds fancy. What the hell does the bloody thing do? Dippy, shoot some electricity at me! You'll see the true power of musicianship.

Dippy followed his instructions, and directed the electric current at Stooben while he shredded. As the stage and other surrounding instruments exploded and burst into flames, he shot a beam from the end of his guitar offstage and opened an otherworldly portal. Our three heroes decided to take Stooben's van to try to get away, but the strength of the interdimensional rift proved too strong; it consumed the entire vehicle and closed behind it.



Wherever the Xephyr Dimension takes you... It is destiny.

Too Hot, Hot Damn
Suddenly, in a frigid location with a surprisingly efficient road network, a wormhole tore open, spitting out our three rejects onto the side of a food vendor that appeared to set up shop next to the cool road...

WhAt in the world just hAppened? MAAAAAAAAAATES that was incredible! Let's do that again, this time with a camera; NASA would have a field day with this one! Pfft, how was that impressive? I've done so much cooler stunts even when I was still learning basic inner-dimensional leaps in grade school. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )つ──☆*:・ﾟ Well excuse me for being born in the sticks, ya ponce. Guys, stop Arguing, we need to figure out where we Are now... Ummmm...

Our trio looked around, and suddenly noticed the vendor not too far up the road...

Oh, hello there, locAl store clerk! Would you be Able to tell us where we Are? WAAAH! Customers, in this godforsWAHken hellhole? Well, I'll be dWAHmned... err, WAHgain! Welcome, my friends, to my humble WAHbode of Stunning DelicWAHcies and WAHssorted goods! WWAHT can I do for you three today? ...Stop talking like a bloody cock, for one. Will do! WAH! ...Lovely... *Ahem*, AnywAy, we would like to inquire Abou&mdash; Got anything to eat? ^^; Of bloody course...  SURE DO! We got cashzap candy (not for the faint of heart), star bits, barrels full of beer (beer not included), and of course our signature delicacy, The WAHluigi Taco! Ooooh, I love the sound of that! Guys, can we buy that? Pretty, pretty please? :3 Packy, we don't hAve the time to sit Around And eAt, we're on A very importAnt mission. Awwww but we haven't eaten since yesterday... surely keeping our bellies full is part of fulfilling our mission? What mission? Dear Poochy, are you creeps from the Health Commission?! I have you this time, you tyrannical bastards, since you're out of your jurisdiction here! It's the North-goddamn-Pole, baby, what are you going to do? Charge me with distributing expired food and addictive drugs to polar bears?! Good luck holding that one up in court, you slimy little&mdash; OI! Zip it, or I'll bloody plant one right between your bloody eyes! Dippy, you fired your one shot at me, remember? (◕ ε ◕) ...Streuth. WAit wAit, go bAck A bit... did you sAy "North Pole"? That's right, you lard-chugging pencil pushers! And you ain't getting a legal cent out of me! YAAAAAAY, we made it! :'D Alright, sorry, but I think you hAve us mistAken for someone else. Yea I'm sure I do. You can't fool me, I know you're really here to shut down us small, struggling businessman! Oink oink, you capitalist pig! For Poochy's sake, mate, we dropped out of a wormhole for crying out loud! Doesn't that seem odd behaviour for food handling officers?! No. In fact, that's how my step-mum always arrived at my house. Another plus to being out here. This is getting us nowhere... OK, we're not the HeAlth Commission, but if we were, we'd be willing to look pAst your unsAvoury prActices if you direct us to SAntA's workshop. Prove it. Buy my goods. YES PLEASE! Bloody hell, mate, we don't have time for this... No purchase, no info. Go away. *sigh*... how much for three tAcos? 5 coins. Unfortunately, I've had to reduce prices... making any money in this wasteland is kind of difficult when everyone is dead or a cookie-munching elf. Fine. Give us three... Dippy, cAn you pAy? In the rush, I left my wAllet bAck At home. Oh, piss off, ya stingy wanker! Bloody hell!

After Dippy whinged and complained, she finally yielded and payed up, and the three decided to quickly eat their tacos... what they didn't expect, however, was the abundance of one particular ingredient...



...!!! ...!!!  Sexy, isn't it? Just like me. MAH MOWF HAS CONGEELED! WhAt in blAzes is this?! It's... oh god, my throAt is burning... it's TOO HOT! Well duh, think I'm selling room temperature tacos out here? Feel the heat swim through your body, and keep you warm. This is unbelievAble... why would you do this to us?! PAcky, Are you Alright?! ... ...PAcky?! This... is... AWESOME! <3 A...Are you serious? OH MY ARCEUS, I need to have more! Tell me, what is that amazingly tangy taste?! It's my own take on a Chilean chili, of course! Grounded down into a fine sauce, which I use in copious amounts in my tacos. I'll take 20 bottles of that sauce! Pronto! ヽ( ◕ヮ◕)ノ WhA... WhAt dimension Are you from?! The name is unpronounceable in your mortal languages, so I'll call it... Misha? (´･ω･`) Shooda shot you when I had da chance... EXCELLENT! This is my best day of business here since... well, since forever! That'll be $500! That's fine! Dippy, pay up! (◡‿◡✿) Whyyyyyy... '''*Dippy pays up... again*''' Um... OK, so, with thAt done, where's SAntA's workshop? Up the road by about 5 miles, at the absolute most. A dreadful place, it is, with all those smoke emissions. Can't be good for the environment. So why the hell are you here? Well, to get away from people like you three, but also, the bins behind his factory make for very cheap Christmas shopping.

With their meeting with the Sexy Merchant over, after what felt like ten years, the trio were now on their way to Santa's workshop, with a van full of recording software, hot sauce, and regrets. After a few minutes of driving, finally, they had arrived...

Naughty and Nice
SMB, Dippy, and Packy barged into Santa's workshop...

ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε=ε┏(ﾟロﾟ)┛ Oi, Santa! Don't eat those cookies!

Santa Claus, who was reading Christmas-related reports and statistics regarding his workshop, set the papers down and removed his reading glasses. He arose from the chair he was sitting in and approached the three heroes and addressed their concerns:

Of course not, do you know how many calories are in those things? ... I thought you liked cookies? :( Don't get the wrong idea... I love cookies, but I can't eat them anymore!  How come?  They're why I have a weight problem. I gotta cut back on the pounds for Mrs. Claus, after all!

The three awkwardly stared at each other for a few seconds, not knowing what to say. They were admittedly a bit disappointed to hear that Santa had stopped eating the cookies that people all over the world prepared for him; on the other hand, the fact that there probably were millions of treats waiting for him every Christmas Eve did seem to justify the whole situation. Nonetheless, they were relieved that he did not eat the mistake batch that they had sent.

Why are you three here, anyway? You aren't from the Human Rights Commission, are you? I swear, whatever those elves have been telling you is defamation! Nah, mate! What is it with everybody thinking we're on their cases these days, anyway? You see, Santa, our friend Packy here ate the cookies that our friends originally made for you... Teehee. ^^; ...And so we made a new batch; unfortunately, I had mistakenly put some sort of cosmic, uh, substance in there that would have prevented you from delivering presents this year. Yea, the bloody wanker almost drugged ya! Dippy! Wait, those cookies were laced! Holy smokes!

Santa pressed his face up against a window that overlooked the toy making station. He saw red-eyed elves sitting in a circle and laughing. He then peeked outside of a door with the label "Delivery Depot" marked above it, and was taken aback when he saw Rudolph rummaging through a refrigerator while all of the other reindeer were polishing off a bag of Doritos. He proceeded to return to the trio.



I do feed those cookies to my elves and reindeer, though. And you know what I see? Uh... *gulp* 'A bunch of high elves and stoned'' reindeer! You have severely messed up!''' Ay mate, I didn't do anything! The space monster ate your original batch, and SMB here is the one who screwed up the new batch! Wait a minute: Dippy, Packy, SMB... those names ring a bell.

Santa went back to his desk and began reading a list with the word "NAUGHTY" printed on top. He returned with an angry, red face.

You're the ones that threatened the world with those stupid meteor-related shenanigans! Hey buddy, we saved the world, is what we did! You sold pies of questionable contents... Mmmm, I could go for some pie right now. Me too! Maybe that freak back at that stand outside has some in his stock... Guys, this isn't the time! On top of it, apparently, you made a lot of people mad in the process. No way, everyone loves us!

Meanwhile...

GBAToad and Yoshi876 were staring into the blackened remains of their kitchen:

I can't believe those idiots forgot to turn off the oven! Things could've been worse... The fire could have spread through the whole house. That's true. Still, this will cost us a fortune to repair. Yeah; I also filed a missing car claim. Curse those three boneheads!

Back at Santa's workshop...

Well, I'm not dealing with this mess. You all caused it, and you'll fix it. Thousands of families across the world are waiting for their gifts to arrive; with the workforce out, you have to make the toys and hand-deliver them. Good luck, I'm taking a nap! *to himself* ''Man, those cookies look dank... Should've had one... mumble mumble...''

Santa proceeded to go into his private quarters, once again leaving Dippy, SMB, and Packy to have to save Christmas.

Epilogue
Our heroes toiled all through the afternoon, working with more ferocity than they've ever worked before, deep into the late hours of the evening. Except for Palkia, who was given a free ride on present-building.

I don't see why we have to bake when it was Packy that ate the original batch... What can I say? I'm too cute for such labour... (◕ ε ◕) *toss* OW! Who threw this spatula at me?! The cosmos deigned to send it to you. OH it still has cookie dough on it! Yay! <3 Bugger...

Finally, the toys were complete, and Dippy and SMB were finally able to lay down on the floor, completely motionless from the sheer physical strain of rushing half the world's supply of commercial goods in a few short hours. "It's finally over," our heroes thought to themselves as they struggled to get themselves off the floor before giving up entirely... until Santa walked in from his office.

Hmm... well, the workmanship is off and there's smudged paint on half of these dolls. I guess I can't expect much from junkie amateurs, I suppose. A! I resent thAt! I don't. Ahaha, you two finally did a day's work for once in your life. ThAt wAsn't work... thAt wAs torture... Brought it upon yourself. Now since you two are obviously so meek you can't even get up, I'll have to deliver them myself... Packy? *munch munch* HERE! (´ ▽ ` )ﾉ Put this on, and meet me in the stable. ...a harness?? Absolutely. You're going to push my sleigh. Wh–WHAT?! Across the whole world?! That's insanity! My reindeer do it every year. Santa, I'm not a reindeer... Oh my, you're quite right! I hadn't thought of that at all! Thanks for understanding. :') *toss* ACK! WHY IS EVERYONE THROWING STUFF AT ME TODAY? ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)  That should fix the problem.  ...reindeer horns and a clown nose?!  Heeey, not a clown nose! Haven't you heard of Rudolph? It even glows in the dark!  ...why me...



Santa took great pleasure in humiliating the proud, otherworldly horror, treating him as little more than an animal. The preparations were done, the presents were all loaded (by Packy, of course), and the two finally set off to deliver goodwill and cheer throughout the world. Several hours had passed, as was to be expected. Many more passed. Even more passed. Dippy and SMB failed to notice the clock as they were writhing in pain on the floor, questioning their life choices and why they were being punished by the greater cosmos, but their attention got dragged away from their existential crisis when one of Santa's elves woke them up...

You two, wake up! WAKE UP! It's an emergency! We weren't even asleep, mate... god, how we weren't asleep... ugh... WhAt's going on...? It's been a full two days and Santa still hasn't come back yet! Even with his usual detour to the pub, he's never this obscenely late... Ever had a hangover, mate? He may be passed out somewhere in Bangladesh for all we know. No, this is different! We usually are able to follow the tracker on his sleigh to find him when he gets smashed, but we couldn't find him or your friend there this time... PAcky is pretty huge, I don't think he'd be hArd to notice even if they wAndered off from the crAsh site...  Bah! Good riddance, I say. That bloody glorified dinosaur and fat bastard are why we broke our backs on this goddamn adventure in the first place. True, it's not like it Affects us. You goddamned stoners! Without Santa, you won't get any presents... for the rest of history! ! !  ONWARDS, DIPPY! Commence OperAtion: Rescue SAntA ClAus! *crack* Ugh... ...after our bones repair themselves...

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Thanks to (Forum profile),  (Forum profile) , and  (Forum profile) for sending in questions, especially MK for doing his best to bring me some holiday cheer!!

As always, if you seek my flawless advice, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page! If you would like for there to be a doodle with the response to your question, feel free to request so and I'll see what I can do.