The 'Shroom:Issue 186/Fake News

Director's Notes
Written by: Hello there, Fake News writers! Fall is approaching, which means the leaves are changing color, temperatures are cooling down, and we're trading t-shirts for hoodies. Or at least we would be, if the summer heat would leave us alone. Just make sure to ground pound to avoid taking fall damage!

Horrorscopes is taking a break again, but we have a new section this month! Well, kind of. Following last month's volunteer section, will be joining us as a full-time writer of Sport Report! This time around, he's covering a high-stakes basketball match! Be sure to read it and keep up with him in the future to see what other sporting events he'll be covering! We also have a News Flush from that dashingly handsome reporter Walter G. Timeson this month, so be sure to check that out as well.

We're always on the lookout for new writers here, so if you're interested in writing for us, check out our sign up page and send an application to our new Statistics Manager, Meta Knight! Alternatively, if you'd like to submit a one-off volunteer section like a News Flush or something else, contact me privately and we'll work something out, no application necessary!

Section of the Month Congratulations to, taking first place with TV Tomorrow once again! Too bad no one's going to be buying that Booster Article Pass, though. In second place is a Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown match between the Axem Rangers and a Bowser made from, er, LEGO® bricks, and in third is a groundbreaking new product in Consumer Corner. Thank you to everyone who voted, and make sure to keep supporting our writers!

Font NewsFlush.png
Written by:

Another Loss Leaves Campaign Reeling:

Following a second consecutive defeat at the polls and another year of Hammer Bros. winning Worst Enemy, the head of the Vote P for F3 Campaign (formerly the Vote P for F7 Campaign), Waluigi Time, blames heavy restructuring of this year's Awards for the loss.

For months leading up to the Awards Ceremony, we campaigned under the banner of Vote P for F7! That's what the people knew, we wanted them to vote Porcupuffer on F7. What we didn't expect was for the Awards Committee to pull the rug out from under us at the last minute and move Worst Enemy somewhere else! Do you realize how confusing that can be? I bet we lost a ton of votes that we would have otherwise gotten to people voting on the new F7. Which Porcupuffer didn't win either.

Despite Waluigi Time's complaints, it should be noted that he was previously optimistic and supportive of the change. He claims that he was "probably misquoted, maybe". According to the public records released by the Awards Committee, only a single vote was cast on the award currently occupying the F7 slot, Most Underused Game Mechanic, suggesting that there was little, if any, confusion, and that this vote was most likely cast as a joke in reference to the campaign.

Regardless of any possible confusion, Porcupuffers performed much higher in the polls compared to last year, skyrocketing from 14th place last year through write-ins to 5th place this year, with "support" for Porcupuffer increasing by 133%. For his part, Waluigi Time has confirmed that he will continue to campaign for dethroning Hammer Bros. from their "undeserved streak", and that he plans to continue the Vote P for F3 Campaign, but hasn't ruled out seeking "other avenues" next year. However these events play out, be sure to continue reading The 'Shroom to stay up on the latest developments. This has been Walter G. Timeson reporting, and I am now out of time.

Font SportReport.png
Written by:

Yar, welcome back to the Sport Report, mateys! I be that overgrown swashbuckling Sidestepper, ClawgripFan9001! After I previously covered that boxing match between the Kong Family and King Krusha K. Rool on the DK Isles, I was convinced by me work as a sportscaster and decided to take up this duty full time! Yar! So let's get into today's sports news!

So today's sports news brings me to Diamond City, where I find myself stuck in a high class basketball bout between the Diamond City Microgamers and the Poshley Heights Gentlemen. This basketball bout apparently be a very important one, since the mayors of Diamond City and Poshley Heights have a bet going on. If Diamond City wins this match, they receive a year's supply of champagne, breadsticks and creme brulee from Poshley Heights. But if Poshley Heights wins this match, then Diamond City's local video game company, Wario Ware Inc. will have to make a full game based on Poshley Heights paid out of the company's own pocket. Yar, if that ain't an interesting bet, I don't know what is!

Representing the Diamond City Microgamers, it's Wario, Dribble, 18-Volt, Young Cricket and Jimmy T.! And representing the Poshley Heights Gentlemen, it's Koopilliam Brulee, Bumpty Pomodoro, Goombruce Bellissimo, Priss E. Pianta and Richard “The Rich” Yoshley! So with the introduction of today's players out of the way, let the match begin!

The Diamond City Microgamers go first, and Wario quickly takes lead of the team by grabbing the ball and sending it flying into the hoop, netting his team three points due to the ball having been shot from the three pointer! 3-0 for the Microgamers! The Microgamers attempt to keep their streak going, but Koopilliam Brulee quickly takes lead of the Gentlemen by nicking the ball from Wario's hands and making a dash for the hoop and sending the ball inside! 3-2 for the Microgamers, since the ball was simply sent inside the hoop for the Gentlemen! This match be so exciting, I could snap me claws! I won't though!

18-Volt is quick to grab the ball off the ground and jumps into the air, passing the ball to Young Cricket, who quickly sends the ball into the hoop, netting the Microgamers two points! 5-2 for the Microgamers! No time to celebrate just yet though, since Bumpty Pomodoro is quick to grab the ball after it landed on the court and passes it to Goombruce Bellissimo, who dunks it into the basket and proceeds to net the Gentlemen two points, changing the score to 5-4! Both teams are showing an excellent show of teamwork here, which is what it's all about in a team based sport! Players who prefer to keep the ball to themselves might disagree with me on that part, but I can't be bothered to listen to 'em! Besides, I have to focus on this game just as much as they do!

On with the match! Dribble grabs the ball, drives through the Gentlemen, and as Jimmy T. moves in to cover him, Dribble shoots the ball from the three pointer and nets the Microgamers another three points! 8-4 for the Microgamers! Things are looking good for the Microgamers, but the match is far from over, so anything's still possible! And the Gentlemen show that by Priss E. Pianta nicking the ball off the court after it dropped down after Dribble's previous play, and Priss E. Pianta makes a dash for it as Richard “The Rich” Yoshley moves in to assist him in scoring the point! Priss E. passes the ball to Richard, and the ball goes into the hoop! 8-6 is now on the scoreboard!

Wario then makes the next play for the Microgamers, grabbing the ball and showing that despite his obesity, he is quite athletic as he dashes through the Gentlemen and piledrives the ball into the basket, netting the Microgamers another two points, changing the score to 10-6 for the Microgamers! Koopilliam Brulee then quickly grabs the ball and makes a dash for the opposing hoop, leaping into the air and attempting to land the ball into the hoop before being blocked by 18-Volt who runs off with the ball! His own tactics are used against him, however, seeing as Goombruce Bellissimo similarly blocks the ball, nicks it from 18-Volt and passes it to Priss E. Pianta, who quickly sends the ball flying into the hoop from the three pointer, netting the Gentlemen three points! There's now 10-9 points on the scoreboard! The Gentlemen all retreat into defense mode, but the referee blows his whistle, signaling the first half of the match is over!

While the players take a well deserved rest, I head out to the concession stand to grab some hot dogs that are being sold at the event. As I return to the arena and happily eat one of the hot dogs I bought, I'm able to get a hold of the Diamond City mayor who happens to be at the event and briefly manage to interview him! From me interview with the Diamond City mayor, he be sounding very confident in the Microgamers' chances of winning this match! In fact, he be sounding so confident in the Microgamers' chances of winning this match, that he's put up his precious Wild Wing car as a prize in his bet with the Poshley Heights mayor! One might say that the Diamond City mayor be getting overconfident, but we can only wait and see if that overconfidence be leading to his downfall!

Heading into the second half of the match, the Gentlemen have decided to crank up their game a notch after a pep talk from their coach, and Koopilliam Brulee is quick to take charge by grabbing the ball and shooting the ball from the three pointer, netting the Gentlemen three points! 12-10 for the Gentlemen! Wario then quickly takes the ball and dashes through the Gentlemen and attempts to dunk the ball, but is quickly stopped by Richard “The Rich” Yoshley, who steals the ball and makes a dash for his team's hoop with Wario hot on his trail! But Richard “The Rich” Yoshley doesn't give in and dunks the ball, netting his team another two points! 14-10 for the Gentlemen!

Young Cricket is then quick to grab and aims to throw it towards Jimmy T., who quickly throws the ball to 18-Volt, who then throws the ball to Dribble who shoots the ball from the three pointer...and nails it! 14-13 for the Gentlemen! Yar, this be one intense match of basketball, mateys! I be glad I came to see this today! Bumpty Pomodoro then quickly grabs the ball and passes it to Goombruce Bellissimo, who proceeds to shoot the ball from the three pointer and earns another three points for the Gentlemen! The score is now 17-13!

We now fast forward to the end of the match, and the score is currently at 20-18 for the Gentlemen. If Wario manages to nail this shot on the three pointer, the Microgamers will have won this match. Our favorite flab monster grabs the ball, leaps into the air, shoots the ball...

…

…

…

…

…and misses! That concludes the match! The Poshley Heights Gentlemen win the match, and Warioware Inc. is now forced to make Poshley Heights a full game paid out of their own pocket, while the Poshley Heights mayor wins the Diamond City mayor's Wild Wing car! The Gentlemen and their fans obviously rejoice in their victory, while the Microgamers and their fans obviously be very disappointed, especially in our favorite flab monster Wario!

I attempted to interview Wario after the match had concluded, but I heard that after the match had concluded, Wario was chased out of Diamond City by a mob of angry basketball fans who wanted to keelhaul him for costing the Microgamers the win. Yar, what is it with me wanting to interview the losers only to end up being unable to get a hold of 'em? Guess we'll have to wait until next time to be able to interview one of the athletes. But that be all the time we have for today's sports news, mateys! If there be anyone left watching, I be seeing you next time on the Sport Report!

The Mushroom Marquee
Written by:

Monstrous Musical, Devastating Stardom

Last month, I offhandedly mentioned the presence of prestigious director Williu Actwell in the show I reviewed, with the acknowledgement that I would soon be covering his primary production in this column. Today I have that chance, as I review the opening of his fresh Broodeway show, "Tiny Store of Terrors", a revival of the cult classic musical written by Howler Crashman. I have quite the history with "Tiny Store of Terrors", as it were. The first performance I ever partook in at Marshell University was "Tiny Store", in which I played the ill-fated Scribbello (as well as assisted with the lighting department), and in my earliest years of professional theatre criticism, a review of Dirk Rector's famous 1995 rendition lead to an influx of readers larger than I could've anticipated at the time. This places my opinions in an odd conundrum: I wholeheartedly endorse the continual productions to keep the show's community and legacy alive, while I discover myself becoming particularly critical of adaptations due to the source material's fondness in my heart. Such is the curse of a theatre critic.

Let us not distract too greatly from the show at-hand. Williu Actwell, plainly speaking, is one of my favorite creative minds working in the theatre industry in the current day. His eye for spectacle and discovering the furthest depths of a script's potential is nearly unmatched. Never have I seen a visionary so effortlessly swing between contemporary character dramas and fantastical musicals, and everything in between is handled just as brilliantly. In recent years, his gravitation towards the twisted or bizarre has produced captivating interpretations of scripts past what any could expect - who could forget his haunting work with Chucklov's "The Squabble" in 2018? Frankly, Actwell and "Tiny Store of Terrors" is a match divined from the finest heaven. If any single director could bring this show to its truest potential, it's him.

And yet... I find myself puzzled, above anything else. I will not say this performance is bad - far from it, I must insist. Rather, it is great. Great is certainly an adjective to seek for, but when regarding who is directing the piece, I expected something extraordinary. Captivating. Groundbreaking. This is Actwell's chance to elevate "Tiny Store of Terrors" to a pedigree never achieved before, but a number of clearly-visible choices keep the production from achieving its fullest potential. These choices are where I become puzzled: without any other way to put them, certain artistic decisions run counter to this show's success, and quite honestly, counter to anything I'd expect from Actwell as an intelligent director. Though I wish not to point fingers, one must wonder if the show's run in the prestigious Hariet Theater caused certain external pressures from the higher-ups with the Sherbet Organization, the company responsible for maintaining multiple Broodeway theaters.

The most striking part of this "Tiny Store of Terrors" run is its casting. If you've encountered any advertisement for it, you have undoubtedly seen its headliners: famous celebrities Prince Peasley and Petey Piranha star as Seeless Kremborn and Bowsry Jr. respectively. The announcement of this casting caught me by surprise; Actwell has historically avoided hiring high-profile talent for his shows, at most incorporating them into his creative team, rather than having them centerstage. Yet here, the looming shadow of the two's presence cannot be cast off by the high spotlights, and it becomes challenging to look at the casting as anything but an extravagant marketing ploy.

This isn't to say that the casting is horrendous in every sense. Perhaps surprisingly, Petey Piranha is a very serviceable Bowsry Jr. Never has he been known for his singing, but his skills are noteworthy, delivering powerful renditions of his familiar song set. Though his reputation precedes him, he is still a talent, and even if his performance could not be regarded as spectacular, it lends itself to the overall production well.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about Prince Peasley's performance as Seeless Kremborn. He is not meant to play the character. There is no other way to state it. Peasley's confidence, his celebratory swagger, is painfully present, with apparently no acting direction given to subdue it. His portrayal of an outcast, a loner, a conventionally unattractive character, leaves the audience in disbelief in the worst way. I do not believe Peasley is without acting credentials - in fact, had he been slotted into a role better suited for his over-the-top audacious personality, such as dentist Dr. Scribbello, his casting could have worked. As it stands, however, his positioning as Seeless reeks of drawing in an audience through placing a celebrity as the central lead, and the result is destructive to the show's integrity. Though he lends himself better to his role, the same can ultimately be said of Petey Piranha; is it hard to watch him onstage and see anything past celebrity Petey Piranha, regardless of what energy he brings. Both decisions utterly drag the audience out of the world of "Tiny Store".

There is more to be added in the show's favor, naturally. It should be no surprise that the lighting is superb, using color theory and relationships to characters as it floats between bright daytime and claustrophobic nights. The performance of the orchestra rang brightly through the theater, alongside the rest of the brutal sound design. And though the posters would like to act otherwise, there were other cast members onstage, and they performed as outstandingly well as they could in the star's shadows. Bowsry is played dazzlingly by Runen Outapuns, who might surprise as the first Koopa to ever wear the character's shoes. Likewise, Forest Mapleway portrays the role of Dr. Scribbello with a commitment that strikes anybody watching. Every ingredient mixed into the cauldron indicates a masterclass of theatre arts, a show that could set a new standard for Broodeway. In its final steps, though, two drops of golden elixir spoiled the entire brew.

I've watched a number of interviews with Actwell focusing on this production, and I can tell that he is tired. It does not take long to consider what might have caused his weariness. Assumptions in bad faith are details which should be toed carefully by reviewers, but I will leave my final thoughts as this: I hope Actwell has the ability to see through his artistic vision exactly as intended in future shows of his, and as an excited fan of his, I hope that he keeps my favor. Even moreso, I hope Broodeway recognizes the critical response to this show, in spite of its box office success, and understands the importance of artistic freedom for both lesser-known actors and incoming directors. Let art be art. Art doesn't need fame to sell.

Consider attending "Tiny Store of Terrors", for the purpose of supporting Actwell in his future pursuits, alongside the rest of this incredible cast and crew. They deserve the support, and it will not leave you with the taste of wasted time... though if your critical stars align like mine, it may linger with the taste of wasted potential.

Tiny Store of Terrors Directed by: Williu Actwell Where: The Hariet Theater on Broodeway When: Now through the Spring 2023 season Admission: 50 coins Runtime: 1 hr 45 min

Mushroom Tribune
Written by: and

This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.

New Exhibit Stirs Controversy



A new exhibit from famed explorer Kolorado has set Toad Town abuzz. Tourists are traveling from far and wide to see the exhibit "The Treasures of the Ancient Jungle." This exhibit features the many artifacts that Kolorado obtained during his exploration of the deep and mysterious Lavalava Island. Highlights of the exhibit include a Jade Raven statue said to date back to the eighth century. According to Kolorado, the Jade Raven was an important token of worship given to him by a strangely peaceful secluded Raven Society. The other main treasure is an ancient Volcano Vase, said to be over one thousand years old, potentially crafted by a volcano god-worshiping tribe of Spear Guys.

The exhibit, which will only be in Toad Town for the next two weeks (with half the proceeds going to fund Kolorado’s next exhibition, an exploration of the Crystal Palace), has so far been a huge hit. From scientists to tourists, thousands have gathered from around the kingdoms to view these ancient treasures. But not all are fans of this new exhibit. Protesters have began to form, arguing that this exhibit is a case of disturbing ancient grounds and trampling over unknown customs for financial gain. We reached out to the leader of the protesters, Goomuel, who had this to say:

"I think this whole exhibit is disgusting. It was bad enough that Kolorado shows no respect for ancient cultures by trampling through their lands and stealing their artifacts, but instead of donating them to a free museum or to a university Kolorado instead uses them to fill his own pockets! I mean, have you seen the admission prices? Twenty-five coins to enter the exhibit! Kolorado claims that he’s helping people learn about past cultures, and maybe he is, by accident, but really he’s just attempting to get rich while pilfering and destroying ancient tombs. It’s disgusting and disgraceful and Toad Town should not allow it."

We reached out to Kolorado and his team, who did not respond. Readers may remember that this isn’t the first time Kolorado has courted controversy. Many may remember his equally controversial exhibit "Treasures from the Tomb of the Great Pharaoh." For their insight on this, we turn to frequent commentators Hooded Pitohui and Shoey.

Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick

Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by:

Welcome one, welcome all, once again to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown! That's right, it's the only fighting tournament where the fight itself costs more than admission! I am, once again, your host, Waluigi Time. We've successfully dodged getting sued by Danish toy companies which means we're back for more violent goodness. As long as we're still here for now, let's get into the match!

Our first contender, sure to be a showstopper, it's the Dizzying Dancer, the Masked Man with the Moves, GROOVE GUY!



This guy may look more like ringside entertainment than an actual fighter, but don't be fooled! With plenty of fancy footwork, Groove Guy makes a formidable foe! Those dizzying dance steps can leave an opponent just that - dazed and confused, and ripe for Groove Guy to turn those flashy dance moves into equally flashy attacks! But that's not all! He can also call in other Shy Guys to the fight, including fellow Groove Guys, and even Medi Guys for that sweet healing! Gotta love a fighter who bends the rules so much they practically become circular. Or love to hate them, at least. Maybe there's even more tricks up his sleeves too! You never know with these performer types.

Facing off against Groove Guy is not a dancer, but a seller! It's the All-Smiles Salesman, the Perky Peddler, FRIENDLY FLOYD!



Need a toothbrush? Light bulb? New keyboard to type up those 'Shroom sections? You name it, he's got it! That little suitcase is packed full of more stuff than a JojaMart stockroom. The possibilities are practically endless with this hammerspace abusing merchant! Weapons? He's got 'em! Defenses? He's got those too! Just about anything for any situation! And if you think Friendly Floyd's arsenal doesn't give him more access to a whole bunch of creative methods of taking advantage of the situation, I expect you'll be proven wrong.

Predicting this one is a bit tricky, because both sides have a lot of tricks they can use that add a lot of variables. Friendly Floyd can pull just about anything you can imagine out of that briefcase for any situation he might end up in, but Groove Guy can call in so many Shy Guys that it'll make the invasion of Toad Town look like a small social gathering! I think I'm going to have to give a slight edge to Floyd here, since he's more versatile and adaptable. Let's not forget that Floyd also only needs to KO the original Groove Guy to win, and not any of the other Shy Guys that join in the fight. Of course, those Shy Guys are still going to make it significantly harder to KO Groove Guy at all, especially those pesky Medi Guys. I think this is really one of those matches that could go either way, and because of that, I basically just said nothing of value. You know what that means, it's time for the match!

Starting things off, Friendly Floyd is... trying to sell something? Yes, he's trying to sell Groove Guy a mug, for some reason! I wouldn't let him get that close, though... Aaand, Groove Guy is using the opportunity to dance and make Floyd dizzy! So dizzy, in fact, that he drops the mug and it shatters on his own foot! Groove Guy dashes toward Floyd, but having a mug shatter on your foot is a pretty good way to snap out of it, and he dodges the attack just in time! Floyd pulls out... a set of spoons? He starts throwing them at Groove Guy and trying to sell him on the spoons at the same time! That's a pretty aggressive business strategy! Groove Guy is able to dodge a lot of the spoons, but there's just way too many of them! Of course, throwing spoons isn't the most effective combat strategy, so the spoons that do hit Groove Guy just bounce off and land on the floor, mostly just irritating him. Well, with that many tricks up your sleeve, they can't all be winners, can they?

Ah, but maybe not! Groove Guy tries to dash toward Friendly Floyd again for another attack, but he slips on all the spoons and falls over! Floyd pulls a book out of his briefcase - looks like a Yoshi translation book, either way, it's heavy - and he clobbers Groove Guy on the head with it! Ouch! And he's trying to sell it to Groove Guy, of course he is, highlighting unconventional uses for it like a battering ram or a doorstop. But while Floyd is distracted with his sales pitch, Groove Guy gets up and does a little dance! It's not a dizzying dance this time, he's calling in an ally! And there's the backup now, a Medi Guy flies onto the scene! And for good measure, Groove Guy successfully attacks Floyd this time, knocking the book from his hands! These guys are trading blows like there's no tomorrow, and they just won't quit! With that Medi Guy in play though, Floyd's going to have to step up his game! As a matter of fact, that nasty bump on Groove Guy's head is getting healed right now...

But wait just a minute! Floyd has produced a large magnet! Groove Guy isn't magnetic... But Medi Guy's little hovercraft is! He's bringing it down! What's Floyd doing now? He's pulling out a crowbar and uses it to fling the Medi Guy out! Now it's just back to being a normal Shy Guy for them, poor guy. And Floyd commandeers the hovercraft! Oh, this is getting interesting! But wait, while he was distracted with that, Groove Guy brought a second Groove Guy to the fight! It's going to be a lot harder for Floyd to keep track of the right target now. As for myself, luckily, I have announcer's intuition to tell which is which! It's a real thing, trust me. Floyd is attempting to use the hovercraft's controls to heal himself, but he's not even licensed! ...And I've just received word that Floyd accidentally healed an audience member's papercut instead of himself. The formerly Medi Guy turned Shy Guy jumps up into the air to attack Floyd in his stolen hovercraft, but it's not even close and they just plop back on the floor. Nice try!

But one of the Groove Guys has called in a second Medi Guy to take Floyd down! The two of them are sumo wrestling with hovercars! Ah, but Floyd is able to bounce the Medi Guy out of the bounds of the ring, and per Smackdown rules, that guy's now out of play! Looks like Groove Guy will need a different strategy - and fast, because Floyd is now coming straight for him in the hovercar! Is there going to be a collision?! There is! But it's not the one you would've expected, Groove Guy with his fantastic agility dodged out of the way and caused Floyd to crash right into the floor! That thing's out of commission now, it's back to a fight on the ground. Friendly Floyd versus two Groove Guys and a Shy Guy! Ooh, but he's not sure which Groove Guy he's supposed to be fighting! Now he pulls out a... water blaster? Those things are out of season, Floyd! Well, he's thoroughly soaked one of the Groove Guys while the other one moves toward him - but he sprays the ground just in time, causing the Groove Guy to slip and fall! Now he pulls out a clock radio, for some reason? He turns it on and... tosses it at the first Groove Guy, and with all the water dripping off of him, it zaps him! He goes down, and folks, I can confirm that that was indeed the original Groove Guy! I don't think he's getting back up from that one, which means Friendly Floyd is the winner! More like Unfriendly Floyd, eh?

Wow, what a match! Just goes to show what some good old fashioned chaos can do to keep people on the edge of their seats. And Friendly Floyd is now trying to sell clock radios to the audience. Never change, Floyd, never change. Alright, well, if you have an idea for someone you're itching to see get into the ring next time, be sure to contact us for a chance to get them in! See you all next time!

Oh, the last Groove Guy's been doing a lot of dancing, it seems... How did I not notice all of these Shy Guys? Can someone get them out of here before we're overrun?

Font TVTomorrow.png
Written by:

Hello everyone, it’s time for another TV Tomorrow. As usual I’ve got lots of brilliant Mushroom Kingdom television to inform you of, but before we get to that - have you ever wanted to watch a Mushroom Kingdom TV show, but discovered you can’t because it’s fictional? Well, this article’s sponsor, ToadVPN, solves all that. For just 99 coins a month, ToadVPN will trick servers into thinking your device is in the Mushroom Kingdom, allowing you access to hours of Mario Universe-exclusive content. What’s more, it protects your data from Shy Guy hackers and Dimentio malware. Head to ToadVPN’s website and put in the promo code ‘quizmelon’ for your first two months completely free! And now, on with this month’s top three in the world of TV!

The Shroomlock Files: The Swellings of the Sea MKBC1, 10pm Genre: Murder mystery

The annual September special episode of the Shroomlock Files has been promoted this year to the MKBC1 channel, reflecting its constant high popularity and viewership. This year’s special has a beach theme, as Shroomlock is relaxing on holiday in Bubblaine. But when a number of Bubblaine residents, including the haughty local aristocrat Brigadier Mollusque-Lanceur, experience horrifying, explosively fatal brain swellings, Shroomlock suspects there might be more to this mysterious ‘swelling sickness’ than meets the eye…

Captain Toad: Exploring New Donk City MKBC2, 6.30pm Genre: Documentary

Most of Captain Toad’s series for Mushroom Kingdom television have been adventure shows, as he travels to the far reaches of the world. In this 90-minute documentary, however, he casts his adventurer’s eye over an altogether more familiar and less wild place, the bustling New Donk City. As well as revealing the hidden yet vibrant corners of the city, this is intended as much more of an autobiographical, personal reflection on Captain Toad’s career and, as he explains, marks a new chapter in his life of wanting to settle down and embrace the communities around him. An intriguing, informative, and deeply humbling watch.

New: The Observer MKBC2, 10pm Genre: Absurdist metafictional miniseries

On the face of it, this series, which is Lakitu’s bold directorial debut, is a comedy-drama about a cameraman (played by the director) who grows uncomfortable with his observational status in the greater narratives of others. However, Lakitu really goes downright bizarre with this one, constantly shifting perspectives, including bizarre metahumour, and not just breaking but violently demolishing the fourth wall, offering a deeply introspective look at how we consume media and the nature of personal narrative and self-value. It’s compelling, unsettling, baffling, and highly unique - not for everyone, but sure to win awards and become a cult hit in the future.

That’s all for TV Tomorrow this September; hope you enjoyed, and see you in October! One last thing, though - I do have to offer my formal apologies to anyone who downloaded ToadVPN at my recommendation, as its promised services of sharing Mushroom Kingdom TV with the real world have since been revealed to be completely fraudulent, if not entirely impossible. If it’s any consolation, they never paid me the sponsor money. See, I’m not so much of a corporate shill after all, right? …Right?

Consumer Corner
Written by:

You're tuned in to Consumer Corner, bringing you the latest and greatest products from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond.

It's a lovely autumn afternoon in the Mushroom Kingdom, and all the Toads have gathered to their local café to get their hands on the latest pumpkin spice whatevers. But whenever there's a desire to spend money on consumable items, a certain cereal magnate seems to never be too far behind... Or above, as the case may be, as Waluigi Time unceremoniously tumbles from the top of the coffee shop, landing headfirst and flattening his top hat on the sidewalk! The Toads waiting in line, of course, immediately activate "panic and fear" mode, running in circles, flailing their arms, and yes, YELLING! "AHHHHH!" "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" "WHERE'S MARIO?!?" Waluigi Time manages to upright himself and recombobulates his top hat, then launches into his latest shill. "DID SOMEONE SAY... Er, wait a minute, no one said anything that makes a good shilling hook... And you're all still screaming and not listening to a word I'm saying..."

Waluigi Time waits for a bit, looking at his pocketwatch in the meantime, until the Toads finally calm down. "Alright, between you people and the sidewalk, I have a headache now, and I already forgot how I was going to start this thing off, so I'm just going to jump in with no setup whatsoever," Waluigi Time grumbles, "Ahem, hello friends! Do you like... pumpkin spice?" "Yeah! We're in line for pumpkin spice stuff right now!" one of the Toads replies. "Oh, cool. Well, hopefully nothing bad happens," Waluigi Time says just before nonchalantly pulling a rocket launcher from his suit jacket and firing it into the café! The building is decimated and the Toads inside and waiting in line, now covered in ash, once again begin to panic. "Oops, what a shame," Waluigi Time says sarcastically, before pulling a box of cereal out from under his hat that causes all the Toads to stop. "What is THAT?" one of them asks.

"Why, this is none other than Pumpkin Spice Waluigi Time Cereal! Because everyone else is getting in on it this time of year, so why shouldn't we!" Waluigi Time says, displaying the box proudly. "We've carefully used complicated scientific processes to infuse everything with pumpkin spice! The cereal, the onions, the mayonnaise, even the ketchup! Have you ever had pumpkin spice ketchup before? I didn't think so!" Waluigi Time expects the crowd to go nuts, but the Toads don't seem all that interested. "Come on! It's pumpkin spice!" he says. "Yeah, but what's the point?" one of the Toads asks. "I'm glad you asked! As a matter of fact, this cereal is very limited edition! We'll only be selling this until the end of November, and after that, it's gone forever! Or at least until next year if enough people buy this stuff, wahaha! In fact, we have a team of highly trained Ninjis ready to pull these from shelves come December 1st!"

To prove Waluigi Time's point, we cut to a store, where a Koopa Troopa in the cereal aisle is looking at a shelf filled with boxes of GENERIC OTHER BRAND CEREAL. He pulls one of the boxes off the shelf, uncovering a Ninji clothed in purple and equipped with a calendar and pair of binoculars. "Hey, you should get one of those instead," the Ninji says, pointing to the other side of the aisle currently under observation.

Back at, er, the remains of the café, the Toads are suddenly very enthusiastic! "Alright, alright, first come first serve!" Waluigi Time says, taking payment from the first Toad who comes to him and handing him the box. The Toad excitedly opens it, but... "There's nothing in here!!" "Wahaha! Now you see what it'll be like if you decide not to buy this! How humiliating! You'll have absolutely nothing to talk about with all your friends who did buy Pumpkin Spice Waluigi Time Cereal! Of course, if you want to have a lifetime of shame instead, who am I to stop you..." Suddenly, all the Toads manage to trample over the much taller Waluigi Time as they rush to the store to buy the new limited edition cereal. FOMO is a powerful thing, eh?

''Brand new limited edition Pumpkin Spice Waluigi Time Cereal! We're sure you'll fall for it!''

"Wahaha! Eat this or else!"