The 'Shroom:Issue XXXIX/Fake News

Fake News

Director’s Notes
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Welcome to another hastily assembled Fake News! With Awards, graduation, and going to camp for a week (on the 20th), I’ve been insanely swamped, and we had an error in the Fakewarning template, so a few of the sections will be received late. We thank you for your patience.

If you have read our last few issues, you will notice that we are in need of writers. Rather than have you sign up and wait for weeks on end for me to give you an interview, please follow the instructions to sign up:


 * 1) Find what position you want to write. As of now, Character Battle and Fake Police Blotter are the only open positions.
 * 2) Get an account on the forum. Don’t worry, it’s free.  When you sign up, do not use a Gmail account.  It will treat the activation message as spam and you will be unable to receive it.
 * 3) Send me a private message (my name is Oaktown Mojo on the forums). You can do so by finding my account name or just clicking this link.

After you send me the message saying you want to write for the Fake News, I will send you the questions you need to answer. If you send me a message between the 20th and 26th, you will not receive a response until at least the 27th. I will be at camp and I will have no way to access the Internet.

Travel Guide
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DK’s Jungle Parkway is an exotic way to spend your summer vacation! Cross the rainforest using a zipline and take a sunset ride on the river boat. However, steer clear of the natives, who will pelt you with stones if you enter their turf. Take a trip for four for 7 days and 7 nights for just $1 499 (hotels and airfare included).

Fake Music
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Just last week a new band, Shells for Hire, released its newest single, Shoe With a Name on it. While this song is very popular in Mushroom Kingdom, the Goomba residents of Dark Land have reported that the song, “Gave our sons nightmares about Mario!”

In other music news an old‐time favorite Goomba band, Goombas with Wings, has just sold a new album, Giga Bowser went down to Dark Land. This song is so popular that, due mostly to pre‐ordering, it had already sold out three weeks in advance and the stores will not be able to restock until next month!

Fake Games
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Edo’s section isn’t done yet, but he let me know that he will have it finished ASAP.

Ads
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Welcome, and now that I have your undivided attention, I would like to present you with the latest in awesome pets: The Boo.

And as I take out of this cage I wi— WAIT! Where did it go?! Holy crap! Cover your head, until I find—

Ah, there is is, trying to scare my assistant.

Boos are docile creatures, usually found secluded from all forms of life. But, now, you can own one as a pet! Bizzare? No. Brilliant? Yes. The best part is that they’re dead already, so if you’re a lazy slouch or an outgoing person, you don’t need to worry about feeding them. Even better, its waste disappears into thin air. No more filthy carpets from those stupid Goombas’ or other pets’ feces. So come on down to the Ikana Graveyard your local cemetary where our “trained” members are ready to serve you.

Oh, and I should warn you that Boos like the taste of souls… Good luck… (you’ll probably need it)

Fake Sports
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On the opening day of the Mushroom Cup, Team Mario was upset by Team Petey, 2‒0. It was the first time in 36 years that the host team had lost their opening match. After a scoreless first half, Petey broke the stalemate at 54’ and Hammer Bro. scored the insurance goal at 71’. On Wednesday, Team Mario will return to action against Team Yoshi. Team Petey will take the field again on Thursday against Team Daisy.

Fake Weather
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Toad Town: 54. Meteors falling, avoid Bowser! Bowser World: 78. What the… FLOWERS? IN BOWSER WORLD?? Fire World: 1,840. Wow. Prince Pikante is launching meteor fireballs. Ice World: −9785638. CCCCUUURRRSSSEEE IICCEE Desert World: 198. Chain Chomps are on the loose!
 * Friday

Toad Town: 69. YAY NO WARNINGS! Bowser World: 99. WTF MORE FLOWERS! Fire World: 66,789. Bad vacation spot. Ice World: −998X7602. SO FREAKIN COLD I ADDED A X Desert World: 109, No warnings, but low gravity.
 * Saturday

Toad Town: 65. Princess Peach is still kidnapped. COME ON, MARIO! Bowser World: 75. MORE FREAKIN FLOWERS… oh wait, it’s Floaty Fluff. Fire World: 54,674. TOO HOT, BURNING TO ICE WORLD. Ice World: 0. Woah, cold. Desert World: 9,999. HOT HOT HOT!
 * Sunday