The 'Shroom:Issue 208/Paper 'Shroom: Choose-Your-Own-Adventure/Rogueport
Paper 'Shroom: Rogueport
Welcome to Rogueport!
You enter Rogueport Plaza after getting away from the docks following a lengthy boat ride. A dirty, grimy area; often times beset by the hustle and bustle of your everyday folks traveling throughout the city. A gallows displays in the middle of the square, where your boss Shoey stands. Your eyes are drawn to the noose as you wonder to yourself, "Is it still used these days to punish criminals?".
Nah, it's only there to intimidate tourists! Or so you hope...
Still, you'd better not do anything that might make you the next victim of the hangman. Behind the unnerving rope, you spot two buildings: an Item Shop and a bar labeled "Podley's Place". You also notice a distinct road that heads in the east and west directions, along with a shady alley not too far off in front of you.
Turn around and head back to the Harbor. Talk to Shoey. Head into the Item Shop. Check out Podley's Place. Turn left to head west. Walk eastward along the road. Pace forward toward the alley.
Item Shop
You head towards the Item Shop, thinking it's a good idea to buy some provisions. You attempt to open the door, only to find it locked. On the window, you see a note.
Gone Fishing. Be back later.
With the Item shop closed, you decide to head back to the plaza.
Harbor
You enter a busy harbor with various ships docked at port. The aroma contains the salt of the sea, and many sailors hastily go about their business. Merchant ships unload their cargo, fishing vessels set their lines, and in the back of the marina you spot a suspicious boat loading what appears to be homemade pies! Throughout all of the activity, you see the Fun Stuff Director, Roserade, talking to a Bob-omb wearing an eye patch. There's also a dingy sailboat where a fuzzy man keeps yelling "Looking to hire sailors!". Way off in the distance, a large rat creature stands by a wall holding a sign that just reads "Business".
Talk to Roserade. Approach the dingy sailboat. Go toward the large rat. Turn back to Rogueport Square.
Roserade
You remember hearing something about Roserade planning to leave for a classic pirate treasure hunting adventure. How exciting! You decide that you'd like to tag along too! You ask them if there's any space for a young gun on this expedition.
"Oh, this is so exciting! I've never been on a voyage like this before, you know? But I made sure to grab everything I'd need: an eyepatch, a pegleg, a bandana I tore up with scissors in my kitchen… I'm all set to become a bona fide pirate! No more playing pirate in mafia games or something – this is the real deal!
Now we just need the Captain to show up… I'm sure it'll be soon! Right?"
Pa-Patch rolls his eyes before telling the naive plant, "Ay I'm sure the captain will be around 'ere as soon as he's done tying one off at Podley's place"
"Awesome! Hey, maybe you" Rose says, gesturing towards you, "can go check in at Podley's Place and see if the captain is ready to depart? We sent Pitohui awhile ago, but he must not have had luck getting the captain to come along, since he's not back yet."
Maybe you could help Rose out?
Dingy Sailboat
You decide that if you're going to write an epic Shroom saga about exploring the high seas, then the easiest way to do so would be to get hired onto a ship. You want to inquire with this fuzzy-looking sailor regarding potential jobs on the ship. However, before you even open your mouth, he cheerfully greets you.
"Ahoy matey, I be Fuzzipede, First Mate of the S.S. Fishmael. Do 'ye be calling about the sailor jobs?"
Affirm that you want to know more about the jobs. Politely decline.
Dingy Sailboat: Decline Information
Looking at this sailboat, you see that it's small and dirty. It barely looks big enough to hold 5 people. You decide that you don't really want to be a sailor on a sailboat in this sorry-state. You respectfully inform Fuzzipede that you are not interested in a sailing job and return to the front of the harbor.
Dingy Sailboat: Job Inquiry
With a large smile on his face, Fuzzipede responds.
"Of course boy-o, I could see it in your eyes matey. Ye' aren't made like these land-lubbers. Ye're to stand on the decks as a ship sails through the ocean. Ye want to travel wave by wave each day; each day a new challenge full of adventure! Sailing from port to port collecting new treasures! That's what you want right aye?"
Dingy Sailboat: Nay!
Maybe he's right and you're tired of living on land. Going through the monotony of each day, trying to find the next hot scoop. But what does it matter? You've been writing for 3 years now, and it's not like you've ever won Section of the Month. Hell, you haven't even made the leaderboard! That's right, screw The 'Shroom! It's time to make a dramatic change! You're gonna do it, you're gonna join this crew. Your new life starts today and- wait a minute... Your brief moment of excitement fades as you realize how stupid this idea is! You don't know anything about sailing! This sailboat looks to be in poor condition anyway. Throwing everything away in a moment of self doubt to do something crazy like join this crew is absolutely bonkers. Is this even legal? You slowly back away from First Mate Fuzzipede and return to the main area of the harbor.
Dingy Sailboat: Yargh!
You hear Fuzzipede's offer and you realize that it sounds exactly like what you want! No more being stuck up in New Wikisburg! No more commuting to 'Shroom HQ with early morning traffic! No more deadlines, or 'Shroom directors breathing down your neck! You'd be free! Free to travel the open seas! So many adventures await as you and your new crewmates would travel from port to port! Who knows what'll happen, but it 'must' be better than what you deal with currently. You tell First Mate Fuzzipede that you'll join the crew of the S.S. Fishmal.
Upon hearing this, his fuzzy little eyes light up, beaming. "GREAT! Just sign here please. It's a formality for... certain legal reasons... Gotta protect me-self from any liabiliy lawsuits."
Blindly sign the contract without reading it. Read the contract.
Dingy Sailboat: Terms and Conditions
You remember your great-great-grandpappy's important wisdom: never blindly sign a contract! Especially one from a sailor you just met! You carefully read the ink that's printed upon the paper you hold, page after page.
Hey wait a minute, this isn't an adventure boat! This is a fishing vessel! Not only that, but this is iron-clad; set for a year long voyage! Worst of all, you wouldn't even get paid! It just says you'll get exposure, and look good on a resume. What a sleaze! You angrily crumple up the contract into a ball and throw it at Fuzzipede before storming off back to the harbor.
Dingy Sailboat: Sign Away!
You're thinking of the many adventures you'll have, and your freedom on the high seas. This is no time for doubts! You hastily sign your name on the contract, not caring for the contents of it as you walk aboard the S.S. Fishmael. You're informed that the boat will be taking off at any moment. How exciting!
...
After what feels like an eternity, you start to feel movement as the boat takes off from the docks. Finally, a new life away from The 'Shroom! You look all around your surroundings, both in and around the ship. Although, something seems... off. Not five minutes go by when you realize... This is a fishing boat! There's no high seas adventuring with that! Where's the swashbuckling freedom? You frantically search for First Mate Fuzzipede for answers.
"Sorry matey, ye signed the signed the contract. I don't have te tell ye anything. You're stuck here for three-hundred and sixty-five days fishing day-in and day-out, as my unpaid intern!"
You could have been happily writing articles for The 'Shroom, but now you're stuck doing intense manual fishing labor on this boat for a year. Hey, at least you'll maybe get college credits for this internship? What do you mean you're not in college? Well look on the bright side; at least it'll look great on your resume!
Business
Curiously, you approach the large "Business" sign, and the rat eagerly comes up to shake your hand before speaking.
"Hello young man, you look like a man of business, a man of action, a man who knows exactly what he wants! Would I be correct in assuming so?"
Business: Let's Chat
You're flattered by his compliments! You tell him that you are indeed, a man of action. With this, the rodent smiles.
"See, I knew there was something about you that I liked. The name's Lumpy kid; I'm a Ratooey businessman. I've got a business deal that could change your life, and I want to let you in because I like the cut of your jib. So, ya wanna hear the pitch?"
Sure, I want to listen to what you have to offer! No thanks, seems off.
Business: Mind Your Own!
You can't really put your finger on it, but for some reason you don't trust this big green Ratooey, or his crudely-drawn sign that business sign. As far as buttering you up? He's definitely up to something suspicious... You decide that it's probably best not to get mixed up with this guy, and you awkwardly walk away. He pleads for you to come back as you head towards the harbor.
Business: Pitch Away!
Lumpy jumps up and down in excitement.
"I knew you were a man of action. Now, I'm going to let you in on the investment opportunity of a lifetime! You see these papers I have in my hands? They are leases to regions in the Dry Dry Dessert. Not just any old desert either, for this land is full of oil! That's right, oil! Black gold, Texas Tea. This oil is worth thousands, upon thousands of coins! I know what you're thinking, how is this an opportunity for me? Well, there's just one little snag. Ya see, we gotta dig the oil out of the ground, and I spent all my money procuring the leases... That's where you come in! For the low, low, investment of only 300 coins, you'll singlehandedly be funding my startup! Rest assured, your coins will be used effectively to rent out equipment, hire out employees, the works. You know, boring business terms. We don't have to get into it right this minute. On top of all that, you'll hold a 30% stake in the company! That's right kid, for just 300 coins you could end up rich beyond your wildest dreams! So what do you say kid, are you ready to make the investment of a life time?"
What an opportunity! Blindly hand over your coins. Negotiate the terms. Decline the offer.
Business: Ad Nauseam
"Phfffft!" you think to yourself. What kind of businessman is giving out worthwhile investments on the docks of Rogueport? No way this is real. You're not going to fall for what is obviously some kind of scam. You decline Lumpy's offer and start walking away to the harbor.
Business: Bank Rec-Oil
Hearing his pitch, your eyes were seeing only one thing: dollar signs! For only 300 coins, you could quit your job at The 'Shroom! You wouldn't need to work like a normal person. It'll cost all of the money you brought for yourself, and the travel budget The 'Shroom provided to you, but who cares! You'll be rich! You'll have enough money to pay back The 'Shroom. Heck, maybe enough money to *buy* The 'Shroom. 300 is only a fraction compared to the thousands you'll make from closing this deal.
Without a second thought, you happily hand over the money to Lumpy, who thanks you ecstatically. He tells you that he'll be in touch to iron-out a few details before slinking off. Thrilled about your new investment, you rush over to Roserade, who is still talking to the eye-patch wearing Bob-omb, Pa-Patch. You have such good news to share!
Roserade's smile fades as they put their petals in their head. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID TO FALL FOR SUCH AN OBVIOUS SCAM"?
Suddenly, it dawns on you that you probably shouldn't have trusted a giant Ratooey. Even more so one whose only credentials are some papers and a "Business" sign with handwriting you could barely read. You search for hours, trying to find him and try to get your money back, but you never do.
Roserade's anger transfers into a stern disappointment. They reluctantly agree to lend you just enough money to stay at the local inn, even accounting for the deal that includes free meals. However, you are forbidden from leaving the inn until it's time to leave Rogueport in a week. Not that you could go anywhere anyway, since you threw away all of your money. You could make up for it by writing a few extra 'Shroom articles!
Business: Strike A Deal
Hmm... This is a tough one. You think to yourself about the possibilities. On one hand, if this is legit you could become rich beyond your wildest dreams! On the other hand, if you hand him your money, what's to stop him from taking it without giving it back? Or worse, he gets your money, hits oil, and gets rich without properly giving your fair share?
You decide to make a proposition to Lumpy, and offer to invest the money on the condition that you accompany him to Dry Dry Desert, as a full partner! That'll be a good way to keep an eye on him and make sure he's legit.
Reluctantly, Lumpy agrees and the two of you board a ship to begin your journey to Dry Dry Desert on main land. A whole year passes... by now you've forgotten all about The 'Shroom. Each day it's been a lot of hard work wildcatting throughout the desert. Most of the plots Lumpy owned were complete busts; not a single drop of oil in them. Others had some oil, but such a minute amount that you were barely breaking even.
Finally, after a year of grueling work, filled with blood, sweat and tears. Lumpy's Lot #23 hits. Not only does it hit, but it's a gusher! You and Lumpy have struck oil! Not just any amount of oil, but more oil than you'd ever thought possible. You're rich, rich, rich! Your new life of luxury can finally begin! No longer are you just a hopeful businessman trying to make it big. You're an oil baron in a totally new world! It's a cutthroat world of liars and schemers in the oil industry, so even though you've made it big, you'll need to stay vigilant as you stay involved with this high-pressure task in this Dry Dry Desert.
Business: Refusal
You scoff loudly. You can smell a flim-flam confidence man from a mile away, and refuse to be fooled by such a sham! If these leases were so damn valuable why is he not at a bank? Why is he trying to draw investments from random citizens on the street? You roll your eyes and shake your head before walking away from this rat-artist; satisfied with your ability to detect a fraud.
Podley's Place
You push open the bar’s swinging door, coughing as your eyes take a second to adjust to the dimly-lit, smoky interior. When vision returns, you take a look around. Like you expected, there’s some rough customers here. A Little Mouser whispers conspiratorially to a surly Bob-omb in the corner booth by the stairs leading to the inn’s upper levels while a Goomba argues loudly with a Bandit by the bar, threatening him with a knife. Impressive, considering the... arms situation there.
Still… maybe coming in here was a mistake. Definitely not your usual scene. Maybe you should leave?
Greetings Traveler…
Well, no risk, no reward. Just have to keep yourself, and not cause any problems.
You walk by the argumentative duo, overhearing back-and-forth accusations of cheating at… something, before pulling out a grimy barrel-turned-chair at the bar and taking a seat. While waiting for the bartender, you take another look around, now deeper into the tavern. Against the far wall, you see a crowd, all gathered around an individual who seems to be gesturing wildly, recounting some sort of story.
A couple tables away, you notice someone even more out-of-place than you are. A foppish man in colorful (and expensive…) clothing, singing to himself as he polishes a shining, red jewel. Between verses of his song, he glances around the room as though he’s waiting for something before returning to his bombastic melody. Not far from him, you see another out-of-place patron, recognizing Pitohui reading a book at another table, sneaking a glance at the foppish man now and again.
You turn around, noticing the bartender looking at you expectantly. Unlike what his rowdy clientele would have you assume, the barkeep is an old, kindly-looking Beanish man - though the stern eyes behind his glasses indicate that he’d be more than capable of handling anyone who got too far out of line.
“Well,” he asks, polishing a glass. “What’ll it be?”
Order a drink. "What's with the foppish man?" Ask about the crowd. Exit the Bar
Give Me a Round!
You squint at the drink menu and decide to order a Chuckola Cola, the barkeep nodding and setting a glass underneath the tap as a steady stream of rich, dark cola pours into your cup. The bartender hands you the glass with a smile, and you take a large swig. The intoxicating sweetness hits you like a brick, but it feels good as the fizzy liquid courses down your throat. You slam your cup down onto the wooden counting, exhaling with satisfaction. The bartender eyes your empty cup, surprised at the speed with which you just downed it.
Order another drink. "What's with the foppish man?" Ask about the crowd. Exit the Bar
Another!
You call for another drink, lifting your glass into the air. The bartender shrugs, plucking it from your hand and fetching you a refill. Like the glass before, you greedily gulp down the fizzy beverage. As the argument a few chairs down escalates to the point of the Bandit chasing the Goomba right out the door with a broken bottle raised above his head, you barely even take note. Your head feels lighter, and a smile crosses your face as you begin to happily sway back and forth atop your chair.
You slam your glass back on the countertop. The bartender looks from your empty glass to your current… state of being. He raises an eyebrow.
Order another drink. "What's with the foppish man?" Ask about the crowd. Exit the Bar
Hung-over
You thrust your glass into the air clumsily, calling for yet another drink. The bartender shakes his head, taking your glass and refilling it once more. He slides it across the counter towards you, and you raise it to your lips once more, closing your eyes as you take yet another gulp. Warmth spreads through your limbs, and you begin to sway once more. The next thing you know… you find yourself ordering another drink, and another after that.
The rest of the night… is shrouded in a thick, murky haze - as dark and unsteady as the cola itself. You remember… the hours passing by, the patrons coming and going. The Bandit from earlier came back… you might’ve played cards? You don’t know if you won or lost, but you do remember… more drinks.
There was a fight, at some point. Some guy yelling on the opposite end of the bar. Turned into an outright brawl. You might’ve taken a hit. Maybe not. Your head sure hurts though…
You sit upright, feeling a hand on your shoulder. Your mouth is dry as a bone, and a pain behind your left eye is pulsing intensely. You shake your head and look around, finding the place empty besides the bartender himself, standing over you. Looks like you wound up taking a… nap on the floor.
“It’s closin’ time”, he says, ushering you towards the exit. “Got no vacancy at the inn, and we can’t have you stayin’ here. Go find yerself a place to sober up, why don’t you?”
You nod, leaving into the chilly seaside night. Unable to find a place to say, you hunker down in the alley until dawn. Despite your best efforts… you never manage to locate your fellow ‘Shroom team members again. Despite return visits to the bar, you never see the foppish man or the storyteller who drew the large crowd ever again either. You spend the rest of your days on the streets of Rogueport, your only comfort being another nightly round of Chuckola Colas at Podley’s Place.
Fancy Lad
You decline a drink from the bartender, instead pointing towards the fancily-dressed man at the table across the way, still singing his strange tune. The bartender squints through the gloom in the direction of your outstretched arm, then returns his gaze to you.
“Dunno much ‘bout that one. Rolled in from outta town. Lookin’ fer a crew or somethin', in search of ol’ Keelhaul Key.” The bartender shakes his head sadly, “Not the first I’ve seen goin’ after the treasure. Won’t be the last. Poor souls, all of ‘em.” He pauses for a moment, thinking. "You aren't the first to come in here askin' 'bout him today. Must be some rumors goin' around."
…Treasure, huh? Now THAT would certainly be the scoop of the century.
Go sit with the foppish man. Ask about the crowd. Order a drink.
Bunch'a Regulars
You ask about the crowd gathered around the boisterous man against the far wall. The bartender shrugs, scratching his head in slight confusion.
“That fella’s in here every so often. Big storyteller, that guy. Don’t have a problem with him, pays his tab and doesn’t cause trouble. Keeps the patrons entertained too and doesn’t charge a dime.” He polishes his glass slowly, watching the crowd gasp in awe at something the man says. “Some people swear he knows things others don’t, that he’s sittin’ on lots of urban legends and secrets and junk.”
Storyteller, huh? Urban legends and secrets… Well, you ARE a journalist after all. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to go hear what this guy has to say?
Join the crowd around the storyteller. Ask about the foppish man. Order a drink.
Crowdpleaser
Wanting to see what all the fuss is about, you decide to join the crowd. As you do, you see a burly-looking Toad yell out "COME ON, WONKY, GIVE US A STORY!" The egg-shaped man laughs nervously and quickly finishes his drink. "You want a story, eh? Alright, I got a story for ya," he says.
Stay and listen to the story. Ehhh, stories aren't for you. Better head back to the bartender.
Back To The Bar
You head back to the old barkeep, who seems unbothered by your sudden change of plans.
“Well,” he asks, just as before, polishing a glass. “What’ll it be?”
Order a drink. "What's with the foppish man?" Ask about the crowd. Exit the bar.
A Wonky Tale
"Alright boys, simmer down, simmer down! Now this story is about one of the greatest fighters in the history of the Glitz Pit. That's right, I'm talking about Grubba! Now, Glitz Pit has seen many champions, but none have been bigger than Grubba! But what a lot of people don't remember was it wasn't always like that. When Grubba first started out, he was a real low-card fighter. That's right, a real Ham and Egger. Lost more than he won, barely eking by on loser's purses. He even got told at one point that he was pretty close to being removed from the league! Then he disappeared for a while, claiming to be undertaking special training, and, when he came back, everything changed! Nowadays, Grubba can't be beat! He's dominating everybody and crushing everything in his path! Almost overnight, Grubba went from a low-card washout to the biggest star in the Glitz Pit. He was so big that, for ten years, every time Grubba fought, he sold out the Glitzville arena."
"And for those ten years, Grubba was undefeated except for one match. Facing off against a relative newcomer by the name of Zeus Guy, the fight looked like it would be the same as all the rest. I mean, Grubba is beating on him and beating on him. Desperate, Zeus Guy tries to get some distance and he triple backflips away. But Grubba is on him right away, and, as fast as lightning, he's right there as soon as Zeus Guy stops flipping. Now Zeus Guy panics and he lets out a meow, which, boys, I tell you it startled Grubba so much that he ended up slipping out of the ring! That's right boys! Grubba's only loss for ten years came from a meow!"
Keep listening. Well, that was fun, but it's time to head back to the bartender.
A Wonkier Tale
"Another story, Wonky!" A Buzzy Beetle with a peg leg shouts for more.
"Another story, boys? Alright, I got another one. Now this is the story of the greatest pirate king who ever lived! Now, a lot of people on the mainland think our little humble town is nothing more than a den of pirates and thieves, and that might be true, but let me tell you something, none of you lot would be fit to lick the boot of the pirate king Cortez! A mean crew with an even meaner captain, Cortez's crew didn't limit themselves to just the shores surrounding Rogueport. No, he led them to plunder all around the world. From sacking Jewelry Land to battling the Pirate Guy captains of Yoshi Island, by the time he was all said and done, Cortez had amassed a treasure hoard with more silver, gold, and jewels than any pirate had ever seen. But among the treasures, one stood out! Among his treasures, a beautiful star made of the purest crystal you'll ever find shone!"
"'Course, one day Cortez disappeared, which while welcome news to the many sailors and merchants of the world, has been a sore spot for all the world's treasure hunters. For centuries, sailors have looked for where Cortez stashed his treasure, thinking that if they can just find it they'll become richer than the King of Jewelry Land! But I say those people are fools! They think now that Cortez is gone that the treasure is theirs for the taking. But I say those people are mistaken. Cortez isn't gone, boys! No spirit that greedy could ever move on. No, I reckon wherever his treasure is, Cortez is there keeping a watchful eye on it, making sure nobody manages to snatch what's rightfully his!"
Keep listening. Treasure is exciting, but it's time to head back to the bartender.
An Even Wonkier Tale
"Come on! Give us another, Wonky," shouts out a suit-wearing Candy Pop.
"Alright, boys! Calm down! Ol' Wonky has another one for ya. Now, we've all had our run-ins with the X-Nauts, eh boys? Those little funny guys are always running around, talking about world domination and the like. A harmless nuisance, right? Well, from what I hear, they say they aren't so harmless. I've heard 'em claim they have their own base hidden so far away that nobody could ever find it! Yes, that's right! It's true! And in that base is technology the likes the world has never seen! Now, why they'd be slumming it here in Rogueport if they have this world-shattering technology, I don't know, but they insist they've got revolutionary technology stashed away deep within their base."
"Now among this tech is a super advanced AI computer. It can operate the whole base, they say! Even has its own personality and the ability to learn, I hear. Now, unfortunately for them, I hear they made it just a little too life-like. Seems this old supercomputer is a little lonely, boys! So lonely that it keeps falling in love with the X-Nauts, and, each time it does so, it goes into lockdown so its new friend can't leave it. Because of this, the X-Nauts try to keep it in as much Isolation as possible, which, as you can imagine, is just making the problem worse. Now it seems to me that they could fix this issue by just giving it a little kindness, but, hey, what do I know? I didn't create a base full of technological wonders the world has never seen!"
Stick around for another tale. You've been here awhile now… Time to go back?
These Tales Keep Getting Wonkier
"How about another?" A bandana-wearing Bob-omb calls out, hopping to see over the rest of the crowd.
"Alright, boys, alright boys, now settle down. Ol' Wonky isn't looking to get kicked out. Now this is a story about the greatest detective who has ever lived. I'm talking about the great and legendary Shroomlock and his first ever case. The place? Pirate Land. One day, the Koopa Bank was mysteriously robbed in the dark of night. There were seemingly no suspects and no signs were left at the scene of the crime. Well, Ol' Wonky tells you true, all they knew was that the money was missing. From all over the country, detectives came to attempt to solve this crime, all to no avail until one day a strange looking Toad wandered into town. Considered by many of the "professional" detectives to be lazy and absent-minded, this new detective shocked everybody by quickly finding the perpetrators and recovering the stolen money."
"How did he do it, you ask? Well, unlike the other detectives who only asked potential witnesses in the immediate vicinity of the crime, Shroomlock talked to everybody, which was how he managed to learn about a witness in a creek who saw a few suspicious Sushis meeting on the night of the robbery. From there, Shroomlock easily managed to deduce who had committed the crime and where the stolen money was hidden, all because he talked with those who didn't seem to have anything to do with the case."
Okay, one more... You really should get back to the bartender...
The Wonkiest Tale
"Keep the stories coming Wonky," yells out a Goomba downing Chuckola Cola.
"Alright, boys! For this story, I'm gonna have to take you back waaaaay back, all the way back to the era of the Four Heroes! Now, at this point, boys, it's the era of the Shadow Queen and her evil spread all throughout the land. For many years, her evil was law and things looked hopeless. But, finally, one day, the Four Heroes formed. They were a Toad from the outskirts of the Petal Meadows; a female Goomba of great wisdom from Boggly Woods; a scar covered, world-traveling male Koopa; and a female Boo who was cold as ice but brave of heart. While their names may be lost to time, their heroics aren't! Now, they'd been fighting the Shadow Queen's armies for years at this point, but they'd finally discovered how to seal the Queen away. Fighting their way into the Queen's own palace, they found themselves beset by an army of evil spirits possessing the bodies of the fallen. Try as they might, the Four Heroes couldn't fight their way through the army of the undead. Each time they destroyed one spirit's body, it just got right back up. It seemed like they could only slow down the army."
"Things looked hopeless until, finally, in a last-ditch move, the wise Goomba used a Fire Flower against a fallen skeleton. Fallen, boys, you heard ol' Wonky. I might guess those skeletons would be able to shield themselves from the Fire Flower if they were still standing, but that's why they called that Goomba a wise one. Now, normally, a Fire Flower would be worthless against a Dry Bones. After all, we all know bones don't burn! But these spirits were different! These weren't just Dry Bones. These were Dark Bones, bodies possessed by the ancient spirits of evil. The fire purified the bones, burning the evil away. Thanks to the quick thinking of the Goomba, the Four Heroes were able to purify the army of the undead and eventually were able to seal away the Shadow Queen, ending her tyranny."
"Now that's gonna be the last new story for the night, boys, but Ol' Wonky is happy to repeat the ones you've already heard."
What a Chatterbox
"Three times Red 'Stache lands on his end! / Blue 'Stache's belly four times is whac-" As you approach the foppish man, he ceases his singing, eyeing you warily. "What is it that brings you to the table of Flavio, richest trader in Rogueport? Speak quickly! I cannot tarry all day waiting for you."
Richest trader in all of Rogueport, eh, you think to yourself. If this guy's so rich a trader, he must have some fine ships. Hey, Pitohui keeps looking at this guy, come to think of it… Weren't he and Rose looking to cross the sea? Maybe they're waiting on this guy!
Ask Flavio if he should be shoving off on a ship about now. Play it safe, excuse yourself, and head back to the bartender.
Getting In Ship-Shape
Figuring that the worst that can happen is that this Flavio guy tells you to get away from him, you cut right to the chase. You tell him that you're with The 'Shroom, here investigating Rogueport's legends in search of treasure with some colleagues waiting for a ship to depart from the harbor, and you ask him if he should be… y'know, on the ship.
"What? Do Flavio's ears deceive him?" An awkward moment of silence ensues after Flavio utters his question, a little taken back by your audacity. "Do not stand in silence," he chides you. "Repeat your request! I must know that I heard you correctly!"
A little embarrassed at this point, you nevertheless comply, explaining yourself again and asking if he should be somewhere else.
"You approach Flavio with rags on your back. It is clear you are no trader or experienced seeker of treasure. Your aroma is not pleasing… but it is not exactly the repulsive odor of this town's harbor. You cannot be an experienced navigator upon the waters… Yet you are so eager to set sail…" You shrink back, about ready to walk away instead of listening to this rich guy insult you, but then…
"Flavio, generous man he is, will expedite your expedition," he suddenly declares! "I do seem to recall having made arrangements to meet at the harbor today. Your boldness has inspired me to set off without delay! There are no reasons you should expect to succeed, but you persevere in making this request of Flavio. I have not felt emotion course through me so strongly in years! Yes, you may actually have a chance to find treasure with this perseverance... This will be a riveting tale to play a part in. Gather your colleagues and proceed to the harbor. There, I shall see to it a ship carries you off!"
As he speaks, you hear the thud of a book on a table, spotting Pitohui looking on in amazement. He waves to you in acknowledgement of your success, then rushes off, presumably heading to the harbor to meet with Rose and prepare for the expedition. Soon after, Flavio takes off, leaving just you to make preparations.
Ah, the capricious rich. He'll probably come back here and need convincing all over again if you leave, but, hey, he'll get over it.
Head to the harbor and join your colleagues in setting sail. Ehhh, let's not go yet. Let's go back to the bartender.
East Rogueport
You head down east and notice an immediate drop in the quality of the town. I mean Rogueport wasn't exactly the ritz, but this? This is one seedy place. You see graffiti sprayed everywhere. The houses are desolate and run down. What appears to have once been businesses are shuttered up. Unlike Rogueport plaza or the harbor, which had people all around them, the eastside is strangely deserted, and the few people that you can make out don't look very friendly. Looking at the buildings, you can only see two that look like they've been properly maintained. One says Merlon's Hall of Fortunes and another says Professor Frankly's Laboratory.
Continue further east. Check out the Hall of Fortunes. Enter the professor's lab. Jump into the sewers. Head back to the plaza.
Merlon's Hall of Fortunes
Deciding that you could use a fortune to tell you how this trip will go, you pop into Merlon's Hall of Fortunes! It turns out to be a weird building, filled with strange artifacts, but you approach the singular table with a crystal ball undeterred. The room fills with smoke, and out steps a wizard in dazzling robes.
"Me-Merlon?" You stammer out your question in shock.
The wizard scoffs. "Ohohoho! No, poor confused reporter, swinging to-and-fro on the branches of adventure... he's on vacation in Surfshine Harbor. You stand before Merlthazar The Oracle. My projection is just house-sitting. In return, Merlon will shout me lunch at the next oracle swap-meet. Oho!
For you... O arboreal reporter, yes... You will need one of my Horrorscopes to help you on your journey. Alas, the stars in this sky bare not the avatars of fate I usually divine with, and frankly, these ones are fogeys. Fortunately, there are other celestial objects one can make up- I mean, predict fortunes with."
Pondering his options for a moment, the oracle snaps his fingers, and suddenly...
You feel your spirit rocket into the stratosphere at a dizzying speed, before slowing down. Both of you are now floating in space, directly in front of the moon. In the distance, on the moon's surface, you can see a bright fortress... but your astral projection is not strong enough to reach it.
Merlthazar speaks again. "Ohohoho, it's always fun catching people off guard with that. When lost in a forest of branches, the moon illuminates even the darkest of thickets. Choose your favorite lunar phase, and I shall give you a reading to help you navigate the journey ahead..."
| 🌑 | New Moon Beginnings |
0% | Before the fool is able to continue his journey of mystery, he often waits long enough for the unseen to surprise him, and reveal the path forward. Much like the hidden nest of Fuzzies I failed to notice hanging above my porch door as I left, which convinced me the correct choice that day was to stay inside and call the exterminator. Take notice of such problems lurking in the shadows before they become difficult to handle, for edge-of-the-universe callouts are very expensive. |
| 🌒🌘 | Crescent Moon Potassium |
1%–49% | O confused looking reporter, do you not know what a Banana is, for they've mysteriously never appeared in Paper form once? In that case, this mystical, otherworldly fruit shall be your guide. Bananas typically grow and curve against gravity, exhibiting a deep contempt for the laws of physics that govern them. If you are feeling weighed down by the gravity of the universe, make like a banana, and curve towards the light, as you curse gravity, the forest floor, and also Donkey Kong's name. Surely, you know who that is. In what world do you have Fire Emblem but no Bananas. Oh my stars. |
| 🌓🌗 | Quarter Moon Sense |
50% | Financially troubled reporters are reminded that if you're ever strapped for money, the universe offers many infinite money tricks one can utilize to recover lost funds. For instance, I've heard you can buy Sleepy Sheep from a vendor in Rogueport, and then sell them in Petalburg to net a small profit. Oh how wonderful it is to exist in a dimension where such tricks are endorsed by the powers-that-be! It would be a struggle to exist in any other, ohoho! |
| 🌔🌔 | Gibbous Moon Perspective |
51%-99% | Once, I crossed paths with a Ratooey businessman who was trying to peddle hot sauce next to a hot dog vendor, and implied combining their products made the Hottest Dog, but alas, when I tried such, it produced a Mistake. Then, the universe was remade, and I found myself finally able to achieve culinary hotness. This oracle is left to assume in many situations where it was once a mistake to pour hot sauce on things, it is now acceptable, so go forth! Apply hot sauce to all of your woes!! |
| 🌕 | Full Moon Completion |
100% | Taking in the full brightness of the moon, we are reminded that infiltrating space stations is more difficult than it first appears, and is not an activity this oracle can endorse, for many reasons. But, should you find yourself in a position to do so, remember th- Oh! It appears I am not supposed to give hints at all. I've been informed by my celestial custodian that there are two others in this world—one who lies, and one who tells the truth. As such, I've been told to make these readings absolutely useless. Ohohoho! |
When you're ready to leave, the hand of fate shall take you back on your journey. Farewell!
Professor Frankly's Laboratory
You decide to check out this “Professor Frankly” guy, having little to no interest in the so-called fortune teller next door. You don’t believe in that kind of hocus-pocus, you’re a journalist - it’s hard-hitting facts or nothing. Approaching the door, you see that it’s slightly ajar, with some kind of odd scuffling noise coming from within.
Peering inside in an attempt to identify the scuffling noises with, you see that the house is rather poorly maintained, and stacked from corner to corner with all manner of bookshelves and strange artifacts. You also spy a figure crouched under a desk covered in notes, rummaging around for… something.
You clear your throat, and the figure gasps, wrenching upright and smacking his head against the underside of the desk. After a groan of pain, he climbs to his feet, adjusting his now-crumpled hat. The figure, not much taller than you are now that he’s standing up, seems to examine you with curiosity through the strange, beaked mask fixed to his face.
The masked figure holds up their hands apprehensively. “I don’t know who you are, but I don’t have any money, if that’s what you’re after!”, he states, shakily clutching a letter opener as he waves it in your direction.
I Can Explain
You shake your head, explaining that you’re with The ‘Shroom - and you were actually just looking to talk with this Professor Frankly character. The figure lowers his arms, breathing a sigh of relief.
“Oh. Uh… Sorry about that.” He places the letter opener back on the desk, before continuing, “Around here, you can never be sure who’s walking in that door. It’s a rough neighborhood, but considering the proximity to the dig site… Well, I understand the choice of residence…” He spaces out for a moment, then snaps back to reality, seeming to remember something.
“Right! Well, if it’s Frankly you’re looking for, I’m afraid he’s… indisposed at the moment. Hospitalized, to clarify. My name is Professor F.W. Despair - Though, you can call me “The Professor”, if it’s easier. I’ve been sent by Woohoo Hooniversity to continue his work on the Thousand-Year Door Excavation Project until he’s fit to return. I can try to answer any of your question, big fan of your publication.”
“Still…” The Professor continues, scratching his head. “Old Frankly was never the most organized of the department. It’s been an uphill battle, getting his notes in order. I can’t really speak on any… specifics.”
Ask about Frankly. Ask about the Professor. Ask about the Thousand-Year Door Excavation Project.
Quite Frankly, Not Around
“Ah, about that…” The Professor’s tone drops.”You see, down at the excavation site… he had a bad fall, right down an improperly-marked pit. He was down there for quite a while, couldn’t exactly climb out due to his… lack of…well, you know.”
He waves his arms for emphasis, the sleeves of his coat flowing about as he does so.
“The point is he’s in bad shape. We’re lucky that a would-be looter found him down there and called someone, otherwise they’d have sent in the coroner as well. Now, he’ll be back eventually, but if we left the project idle until then… well, we’d lose our funding.”
You nod. As a journalist, you understand the cruel stranglehold that the notion of funding has over the prospects of your career.
Ask about the Professor. Ask about the Thousand-Year Door Excavation Project Leave.
Professor F.W. Despair
“Me? I’ve been colleagues with Frankly for… a few years now. We first met when Woohoo Hooniversity and the University of Goom first collaborated on the Noki Bay archaeological survey- not an easy task, what with all the water and what-not. Not to mention the giant eel…” He shudders, before continuing, “Still, the prospect of ruins predating even those within Corona Mountain was irresistible!”
He casts his gaze downwards, shaking his head. “Of course… both of our departments are rapidly losing talent to New Donk U, so I didn’t have much of a choice when a replacement was needed…” The Professor gestures towards the stacks of notes on the desk, “Unfortunately, like I said - he’s a brilliant mind, but he’s terrible at making his notes comprehensible to a single other person.”
His hands grasp a thick stack as he lifts and shuffles the papers, eyeing them and mumbling to himself.
“Nothing but riddles, puzzles, vague diagrams… Crystal Stars…” He tosses the papers back on the desk, a cloud of dust billowing up as they land with a thud. “Anyway, that’s about that. I’ve been doing my best to inform myself about the project, if nothing else.”
Ask about Frankly. Ask about the Thousand-Year Door Excavation Project. Leave.
A Millenium Legend
“I’ve been waiting for you to ask!” The Professor perks up, rummaging through the bookshelves. Various textbooks, tomes, and folders fly over his shoulder, until he finds what he’s looking for: An aged book clad in red binding, stamped with a golden star upon the cover.
Quickly leafing through the pages, he turns the book over in his hands, showing you a page upon which is drawn the image of an ancient city, large and mighty. He clears his throat, before beginning…
“This… is the story of the Thousand-Year Door. A long time ago, right where we stand, a bustling town is said to have thrived. A prosperous town, where the people lived long, happy lives.”
He leans in closer, turning the page. The next drawing is… different. The same city, now ravaged by disaster.
“But one day… the town was struck by tragedy. A great cataclysm, like nothing seen before. The skies, shrouded by darkness - the earth, roaring with rage! Within a single night, it’s said… the city was destroyed. Consumed by the land itself, with not a trace remaining.”
He closes the book, placing it back upon the shelf. “Of course,” he continues, “As new settlers arrived to the land, the ‘wonderful town’ you know as Rogueport was founded, and the rest was history. Though, ever since… rumors have circulated. Rumors of a treasure deep beneath the town, sealed in the ruins of the ancient city - and that… is where the Thousand-Year Door Excavation Project comes in.”
“The Excavation Project,” He continues, “Aims to unearth those very ruins. Though, Frankly seems to have hit a bit of a roadblock. The titular Door itself. Near impenetrable, no sign of a lock… I could show you, if you want - provided you’re willing to give our project some exposure. Might help with the funding situation, if nothing else.”
Agree to report on the Thousand-Year Door. Decline to report on the Thousand-Year Door. Ask about Professor Frankly. Ask about the Professor. Leave.
How Rude…
The Professor stares at you, before giving a long sigh. "I see... How disappointing... Well I would greatly urge you to change your mind. Desparate times call for desparate measures... I would hate to see anything happen to you..."
You feel an unnerving aura fill the room and quickly rush out of the laboratory. You can try visiting again later, surely Professor F.W. Despair won't have any hard feelings so long as you help fund his research.
Working Intern
The mythical treasure beneath Rogueport... of course you’ve heard of that. To think, there’s work being done to unearth it - and your visit just happens to coincide. There’s no question. You’ll follow this weird guy. You’ve been looking for a niche in the paper, after all. Archeology and world history might just be your route in - especially if there’s an ancient treasure involved. These articles basically write themselves.
You agree to his terms, eliciting an enthusiastic response. The Professor waves you out the door, back into the filthy streets of Rogueport. Following outside, he points out a warp pipe across the road, though your face contorts into a grimace when you realize just where that pipe leads.
“Well,” he comments, “The Thousand-Year Door, and by extension the greater city ruins, are situated beneath the city… as are the sewer systems. It’s fine though, the ruined city extends past the door somewhat, pathways included. We won’t have to go wading through… you know.”
You approach the pipe, following his lead as he climbs inside. Here goes nothing.
Into the Underground
You swallow your pride and allow the pipe to carry you to destinations unknown. Emerging on the other side, you blink a few times to adjust to the dim lighting of the Rogueport Sewers. Once vision returns, you find yourself standing upon what resembles a city street, constructed from ivory stone.
To your right, stairs descend into the darkness. To your left… you see the Professor, standing by a large, caution-taped archway, examining something.
Sewer Detour
You decide to leave the Professor to whatever he’s looking at, checking out the stairs instead. You take a step down into the gloom, then another - until your foot catches on a brick. You tumble down the stairs, smacking into stone-hewn step after stone-hewn step, landing headfirst in… the sewer water.
You burst from the foul water, gasping for breath, but the current drags you away for what feels like hours, spitting you out into the ocean waves. Coughing and sputtering, clutching the nearest piece of debris for dear life, you’re carried far away - washing up on the shores of Delfino Plaza days later.
By the time you haul yourself over to the airport, the last flight to Rogueport for the week seems to have already left. With a sigh, you take a tourism brochure from the nearby kiosk, scanning the contents. Looks like you’re gonna be here a while. At least the Chuckster Festival’s tomorrow.
Inspecting the Archway
You join the Inspector at the archway, inquiring as to what exactly he’s looking at. He lifts a loose, seemingly torn ribbon of caution tape, examining it closely and shaking his head. “Hmm, seems like someone forced their way through. This wasn’t ripped this morning when I visited the site. Would-be treasure hunter, maybe.”
He shrugs, pocketing the tape. “Well, whoever they are, I doubt they got very far.” Carefully taking down the rest of the caution tape, he waves for you to follow, warning you to move slowly through the doorway due to unstable architecture. You creep through after him, noticing the topmost part of the archway is indeed heavily eroded and riddled with cracks. Ripe for collapsing upon anyone who isn’t careful.
When you reach the other side… you see something spectacular.
The Thousand-Year Door
You look around the cavernous vault you find yourself in. Unlike the previous room, this one is flooded with light - courtesy of several industrial halogen lamps set up alongside various excavation equipment., Regardless… your eyes are barely able to contain their wonder. Upon the northern wall rests a gigantic doorway, firmly sealed by means unknown and inlaid with a golden pattern. In the exact center of the room… a platform surrounded by four pillars, each carved with a myriad of intricate scenes.
On the opposite side of the room, up a staircase similar to the one on the other side of the archway you just passed through, sits yet another warp pipe, descending deep into the depths.
“This,” the Professor states, “is what we’ve come to call the ‘Door Chamber’ for… obvious reasons. Please, do take all the photos you want. No flash though. It won’t damage anything, but it looks awful.”
You nod, considering what to examine first…
Approach the Thousand-Year Door. Approach the platform and pillars. Approach the warp pipe. Head back to Rogueport.
Getting Closer
You approach what you presume is the Thousand-Year Door, a towering crimson doorway set into the stone wall of the vault’s northern side. Intricate, esoteric patterns twist and coil across the doorway, lending it an otherworldly feel. You look it up and down in disbelief that something like this could even exist.
The Professor joins you by the door. “I see you’ve taken an interest in the door itself,” he comments. “Nothing we’ve done has managed to open it, or even leave a dent in the more… explosive cases. I doubt it’ll open in a conventional manner, to be honest.”
Locked Door
You push on the Thousand-Year door, intent on opening it and exploring whatever lies below. Except it doesn’t open. Idiot. It’s locked. Sealed, even. What did you expect? You look real dumb right now, you know that?
The Pit
You approach the warp pipe on the other side of the room, climbing the ivory stairs. The last pipe led you down here, so clearly this one’s gotta lead somewhere good. You swing one leg over the pipe’s yawning entrance, then the next. Before you know it, you find yourself sliding into its depths…
Emerging on the other side, you find yourself falling downwards, landing square on your face with a thud. Rolling over and wrenching your body upwards, you take yet another moment for your vision to adjust… this time finding yourself in a much smaller room than before, the only defining features being a singular pipe in the center of the room, and a signpost situated next to it. No sign whatsoever of the pipe that dumped you here to begin with.
You approach the sign, your heart sinking as you read the aged, gouged-in text.
“THIS IS THE PIT OF 100 TRIALS! First Attack and Bump Attack badges don't work, so BEWAAAAAAAAAAARE!”
Rogueport Columns
You approach the platform and the four carved pillars surrounding it. Stepping onto the platform itself, you take a closer look at the pillars. Indeed like you thought, they appear to each be set with an array of carvings depicting an assortment of scenes and locales.
The Professor joins you, nodding as he flips through a folder. “You’ve taken an interest in these pillars, huh? From what I can tell… Frankly did too. In fact, if you’ll give me a second… Here!” He pulls out a diagram, if you could even call it that. Poorly drawn and marked with nearly incomprehensible handwriting, you take it from his hand and give it a once-over.
The diagram depicts four pillars, much like the ones in front of you, with an arrow indicating a clockwise movement starting from the pillar at the southeast corner of the platform. Scrawled underneath the diagram is one sentence, circled in thick black marker: THE CRYSTAL STARS SHOW THE WAY.
You ask what that means, and the Professor tilts his head. “Well, the Crystal Stars are historically linked to the Thousand-Year Door and the treasure that lies within. One of the few remaining artifacts of the ancient civilization, scattered across the land. They’re said to be the key to… something.” He leans over to inspect the page again, his expression largely indiscernible beneath his mask.
“I couldn’t tell you what Frankly meant by that, though. The pillars, they don’t have a keyhole or… slot for the star to fit in or anything. I could have missed something though, mind you. Feel free to take a closer look”
Stone Hieroglyphs
You decide to inspect the pillars more closely, looking at Frankly’s diagram and comparing it to the pillar to your southeast, where his arrow began on the page. It appears to contain three of those detailed carvings, but upon closer inspection… it looks like you might be able to press them inwards, like some sort of primitive switch.
You inspect the three images displayed upon the pillar specifically. If they’re buttons, and related to the Crystal Stars somehow… Then maybe…
The first carving seems to depict a castle in the hills of an idyllic landscape, the image tainted by a fearsome dragon wrapping itself around the castle’s highest tower.
The second carving depicts a snowy landscape, where a large cannon emerges from the middle of a town square. Bob-ombs crowd around the cannon in awe.
The third carving depicts a shining city in the sky, adorned with lights and depictions of mighty gladiators of all species and races. A beacon of glitz and glamor indeed.
Push in the Dragon and Castle carving. Push in the Sky City carving. Push in the Snowy Cannon carving.
Sky City Carving
You place your hands upon your chosen carving, grunting as you give it a shove, causing the carving to slide deep into the pillar with a rumble. The vaulted room shakes somewhat as a mechanism somewhere begins to shift, causing the Professor to glance around nervously.
You turn to the second pillar indicated in the diagram, also inlaid with similar carvings. Same thing as before, right? Nothing to worry about. You look over these as well, noticing different scenes this time…
The first carving seems to depict a mighty tree growing in a forest of similar trees, the trunk and branches teeming with strange, minuscule creatures.
The second caving depicts the moon, hanging high and round in the sky. It’s difficult to tell much else about this one, with no other details or celestial bodies.
The third carving depicts a near-bottomless pit, with a mighty dragon at the bottom. This one unnerves you somewhat, the depiction of the dragon’s rotting flesh being a bit too realistic.