The 'Shroom:Issue 125/Fake News

Editorial


Welcome back to the Fake News, and thanks for voting us as your favourite 'Shroom team once again! Though admittedly Critic Corner are closing the gap, so we might need to up our game in this upcoming year.

This month we will sadly be (kinda) losing a writer in, who has resigned from the Monthly Inquisition. Nonetheless, he'll still be writing for Police Blotter, so he won't be gone completely! Also I hear he's a pretty big name in one of those other sub-teams.

HOWEVER, we have also gained two new writers - and, who'll both be writing the Travel Guide. Congratulations!

~ 

Section of the Month

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We are predicting a stormy start to this week as storms will move into the region until Wednesday night. The possibility for severe weather will drop as we move into Wednesday, but be prepared for flooding in low-land areas and tie down anything you may have outside so it will not be carried away by the winds or flooding. The possibility for severe weather will be highest on Monday, so please take care if you need to leave home.

We will end the week with sunny skies and calm breezes, perfect for going camping or shopping outdoors. There are currently no events planned around this weekend as Toad Town officials are preparing to be cleaning up storm damage.

We are also bringing you predictions for the star festival this week! Returning activities include comet-watching after 7:30 p.m. every night, open markets everyday, and children's activities in the afternoons.

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MIPS There is an onslaught of rabbit like creatures descending upon, however, despite this sudden increase of rabbits in the Mushroom Kingdom, today we must sadly lay one to rest.

MIPS was a valiant rabbit, who always did his best to protect whatever he was gifted with, but sadly the old rabbit passed away in his sleep the other night. I am aware that there are some unsubstantiated claims, that he died of a drugs overdose, but a coroner's report ruled that out.

News of the death travelled quickly around the Mushroom Kingdom, and I managed to speak to Mario about this death. "That blasted rabbit would not hand over the Power Star, even though he knew I was trying to rescue Princess Peach! Honestly, if he'd dodged me one more time, you would have been writing this obituary a lot sooner!"

Other acquaintances were a bit more saddened by the news than Mario. Bowser said, "literally no idea who you're on about," and other rabbits commented saying "MIPS was like a grandfather to us, in which we sponged chocolate and TV off of him as he desperately tried to stay relevant. There's a reason he was snubbed when Bowser reused his plan to capture Peach in her castle."

Although MIPS only had one outing in the basement, it's clear that he became a rock for the whole rabbit community. How he would have reacted to the whole new range of rabbits descending though is questionable. Although some speculate that he would have enjoyed the further company, others believe that he found the new rabbits to be too annoying and random, and that he would probably have moved to a different games series.

All we know is that MIPS is dead. His funeral with follow the usual guidelines of a rabbit funeral, in which he'll be wrapped in an old tea towel and buried in the garden.

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Hello, my fellow members of the Mushroom Kingdom! It's me, Arch, here to bring you another edition of travel guide!



In this month's issue, we'll be visiting a small but interesting town: Hoohoo Village!

In the lovely Beanbean Kingdom this exotic town lies. With a great view of the kingdom below and some great bean dining, we encourage you to definitely take the tourist hikes up the mountain, despite them being a bit deadly at times. (Warning: The guardian Hoohooros does not take kindly to visitors hiking to the summit; you have been warned!) In town, you can cross the famous Hoohoo bridge, which went down during the infamous War on Cackletta in 2003. You can also go see the amazing Hammer Brothers at work. These famous craftsmen can make some of the finest mallets in the entire world! Now, for the right price, you can even bring one of these home. I bought one myself, and let me tell you, it worked excellently. It smashed an entire boulder without a dent in the hammer itself. There are sets of ruins scattered around that you can find as well. If you hire a local archaeologist, I’m sure they’ll help you out in touring them. You might even accidentally find a new artifact from the past! Finally, you can take a night tour on the back of Blablanadon to the summit to see the entirety of the Beanbean Kingdom, and most of the Mushroom Kingdom, in their full glory. It's truly a pretty sight, and it's highly recommended. If you travel westward, you can see the magnificent Stardust Fields, although be warned: They are ruled by a greed-driven and unjust king, who I hear is named Solstar or something? Tolstar? I don’t know.

With that aside, I can't recommend enough Hoohoo Village for those who love adventure, beauty, and good beans!

This is Archagent with travel guide, signing off.

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Hello, 'Shroom readers! Come closer, as I, the one, the only, clumsy but bold Koops ventures throughout the Marioverse to give you pieces of advice on whether or not you should visit some random location that I just find out about!

So first things first, I am new here to the 'Shroom and this section might not be the best one in the world by two million miles, or kilometers whatever, so any piece of feedback you can give me to improve my sections is highly appreciated, so be sure to... well... do so, please...?

In this issue, We'll be taking a look at Prism Island. Not the shiniest place out there, but come on, if we want to go places, this location is a must-visit.

So, as you may notice unless you are color-blind, the island itself is covered in colors. To match that, even the island is shaped like a paintbrush. Come to think of it, that is a quite intriguing phenomenon, like how coincidental. The colors are even aligned in the order found on a palette. It's like it was designed to be like that by game developers or something... but let's not let that ruin our day, we still haven't begun our tour!

The main attraction of the island is Port Prisma, the center of the island, and the main area. It is inhabited by Toads, but that really doesn't make much sense since they are all the way back to Town Toad, but I guess you can't stop fungus from growing everywhere, ain't I right? Yeah, anyone? Never mind. So here in Port Prisma, you can find many things you normally find in normal places, such as that clocktower in the middle of the town. I believe it's a landmark, so the place is pretty important for the island. At the Port, you can also find some card shops here and there. Not sure what cards are for, must be some pokemon thing. I heard Mario used them to attack, so pokemon cards is what comes to mind at first.

But who is this Mario we are speaking of? That's probably not important now, and-- "Pssst" Huh? Wuzzat? Who spoke to the person who is me?

"Come closer " * Koops makes one step* "Closer." * Two steps* "A little closer." * He finds himself nose-to-nose with a toad* "Ok not that close."

What is it you want, can't you see I'm in the middle of something here?

--Two hours later--

Aaaaaand we're back! Sorry I took some time, apparently there was this dealer there, the stuff was too good not to squeeze. Turns out the island is made of cardboard, so it IS manmade, and apparently everything that is not paper or cardboard can be turned into a pokemon card. That sure is interesting, even I didn't know that. And yes, I am writing the dialogue I am having with people, I was actually filming this and dictated my invisible assistant into writing down everything I said. Ok anyway, in front of the clocktower, you can see the infamous Prisma fountain, famous for bringing the color black to life, as the black here is more of an evil entity that possesses whoever is entrapped inside of it. The fountain creates a Rainbow Road, and apparently brings in all the Mario Kart frustration as well.

Now we've had enough of that already, Prism island is not just a little town, it's full of other stuff to look at, and places to go! Over here, we have the Roshambo temple....s. That place is basically the casino here, but with Rock Paper Scissors instead to win money. They have a habit of calling it Roshambo, and honestly I don't know why. They just call it that. Must be some family tradition or something. Other places include the Tangeniro grill, which I heard has had some living meat terrorizing it, and the mustard café, located in a desert, with some huge chasm right next to it, but come to think of it, why would anyone put a café next to a chasm, and why would anyone put a chasm next to a café? I know it's a selling point for people who are interested in seeing the chasm, in other cases the café, but could they at least take some security measures?

Now there is an unnamed train station on my left, but the train itself is called the Sunset Express. They could've called Prisma station, and that's not the best name I can come up with. But okay, so this station has nothing special, nor does the rest of the island, but if there is still one location you should visit to have an enjoyable and colorful vacation, it's Bloo Bay Beach. It is a beach, information that is required or else you wouldn't have guessed, a beach where you can relax, have fun with cheating toads, relax and have more fun! Well, I made it sound bland, but trust me, once you sit on that chair for five minutes, you will want to stay there your whole life! I once went there and got into a three months-long coma, and that was just a minor case, said Mr. the doctor.

And at last, if you are looking for a place to stay in, then you can go to Dark Bloo Inn. *points at the mansion* You know, I was once told that the insides are better than the outsides, unlike Shrek says.

But anyway, that does it for this issue, alright? I hope I see you next time to visit a hopefully more interesting location. But until then, Peace everyone!

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Television never stops, no matter what, and as such TV Tomorrow never stops either, at least not until I get bored of it. So here's today's, and we have some excellent programmes on all day tomorrow. It was very difficult to pick out my three top picks for the day after today, but here they are!



New: The Garage MKBC2, 9pm Genre: Sitcom In this hilarious new sitcom, a group of garage mechanics and petrol-head car fanatics struggle to get themselves out of unusual situations. Particular highlights include Bowser Jr's new car, with its inability to move in a straight line, and Blue Toad's obsession with his new 'nuclear-powered hydro-electric extendable spanner-pliers fusion'. Laugh-out-loud stuff.



Can You Survive This? MKBC3, 10.30pm Genre: Game show, well, sort of Six contestants must show that they've got what it takes to survive any dangers that sadistic presenter King Bob-omb - making his presenting debut - puts to them. Includes jumping through a giant hoop of fire while riding a Yoshi and defusing a bomb while tied above a pit of Piranha Plants. Not for kids: contains some scenes viewers may find disturbing.



World Athletics Championship 2017 MKBC1, 7pm Genre: Sports The Mario and Sonic characters come together again to their virtual version of London for the World Athletics Championship 2017, just like the one being held at the moment in our world. Highlights tomorrow will include the 100m Sprint final, the long jump semi-final, and the 800m heats, all of which will feature a multitude of recognisable characters.

And that should be about it for tomorrow, although of course there's a lot more programmes to see, provided you have the Mushroom Kingdom downloadable channel expansion cartridge v5 inserted into the sizeable receptacle located at the back of the necessary television projection console connected via the blue M-13118915 cord available from your local nonexistent technical tools shop. See you next time on TV Tomorrow!

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Oh hi! I didn’t see you there! Hahaha! I’m just putting the finishing touches on this beautiful landscape I’m painting.

Hmm… It’s still missing something… but what?

…

Ah ha! Of course!



There! After two weeks of work, my Mario Masterpiece is finally complete! I call it….



Oh wait, that doesn’t make sense. I may need to think this over a bit more.

Anyway, you might be wondering how I was able to create such a masterpiece. Well, my friend, all I used is a little something called “talent.”

…or maybe just Super Mario Paint presets…

Super Mario Paint
Yes, after many years and many missed opportunities, Nintendo has finally decided to make a sequel to their SNES classic game Mario Paint with Super Mario Paint for the Nintendo Switch.



Released on August 1 of this year, the 25th anniversary of the original’s American release, comes this much requested revamp. And seeing as this is also the issue where the ‘Shroom awards will be announced, including art awards, I thought it might be appropriate to review! I’ve decided to split this into two main sections, the paint portion, and the music portion that totally belongs in a painting game. Let’s do it!

Super Mario Paint Paint

If you’ve ever played the original Mario Paint, you know how this works. You get a canvas, find a preset, and completely ruin it with your incompetence. Then you give up, frustrated at your complete lack of any talent to speak of, and never play again. Now you can do that, but this time with a touch screen, and millions of other amazing drawings by other people online to make you hate yourself even more than you already do! That’s right, there’s a Mario Maker-esque online painting sharing service in this version. To be fair, it is mostly junk at this point. But at least there’s none of that “Auto-Level” garbage flooding the game like in Super Mario Maker!



Wait, no, never mind. It’s over. The fanbase killed it.

No no really I give up that’s it.

It’s just done.

END OF REVIEW. I HATE EVERYONE.

Okay, no. Not really. Even if I don’t like it, I can see how other people could have a lot of fun with this. There’s definitely a lot of options. You can make and use cool stamps and plaster your mediocre drawing with them to make it even the tiniest bit interesting, and you can paint with every color thinkable: from beige to slightly darker beige, if you can think it, you can scribble aimlessly with it!

They’ve also included a cool art forgery element into it! If you can copy another person’s work of art close enough where it’s almost undistinguishable, you can sell it on the Wii Black Market, passed off as the original, and make some quick Wii Points!



No word on whether Nintendo will ever do a version for the Switch, although if they didn’t for the Wii U, it seems unlikely. Either way, the painting portion is pretty cool, from an objective perspective, and the only problem is the rancid fanbase. Well, you can’t really judge a game based on its fans. It’s not really fair. I’m still gonna do it though. Would be 7.5/10 down to a 4. I hope you’re happy with yourselves.

Final Rating: 4/10

Super Mario Paint Music Paint



Well, if there’s one thing I can say, Nintendo has certainly AUGMENTED their Mario Paint experience! Heh heh. Just a little music humor for you all. Anyway, the music composition tool is MUCH more involved in this version. There’s all the music theory shenanigans you’d expect from a sophisticated music program, only with a Mario spin on it. The clefts finally appear in a game outside the Paper Mario series. You can choose the treble cleft or the bass cleft. There’s also a slew of cool new sound effects to play around with, along with the ones you know and love. For example:



Despite how cool these are, there’s a bit of controversy about sleazy doctors using them to convince patients to pay for eardrum removal surgery, but I’m sure that’ll pass once the new Nickelback single hits store shelves.

One of the really nice things about this mode is that it comes with some classic The Smash Brothers albums. You know, that band with Mario and Waluigi on guitar, Donkey Kong on bass, and Luigi on drums? Here I’ll pull up one of my favorites:



Ah, this really takes me back. Such classic songs! “I Want To Grab Spam Your Hand,” “Can’t Buy Me DLC.” It’s too bad they broke up. Yeah, there was a lot of friction in the later years. After Donkey Kong released Donkey Kong Country, he became a lot more cocky and controlling of the rest of the group. At the same time, Mario started paying a lot more attention to Peach, and taking a lot of time out of recording sessions saving her from whatever rando decides to steal her that day. Waluigi kind of just stopped caring, and poor overlooked Luigi just wanted to record his autobiographical song “Please Don’t Walk Away From Me When I Try To Engage In Friendly Conversation.” Those later sessions were tense.



It’s a shame they’re never getting back together though. Mario’s fans have basically killed him with their need for more games, Waluigi’s throat is so sore from all that WAAAA! (and smoking) that I doubt we’ll ever hear his angelic voice again, no one cares about Luigi, and I’m pretty sure Donkey Kong died in DKC2 while captured by the Kremlings and then replaced with an exact duplicate who looks and acts like the real deal. No reason. It’s just a hunch I have.

Anyway, I’m getting off topic. Although there were problems with the paint portion of Soper Mario Paint, the music portion was fanstastic!

Final Rating: 10/10

My apologies to anyone who didn’t get the references during that last part. You must be very confused.

Anyway, before we wrap this up, there’s one more thing I should mention. So in the the original, there was a fly swatting mini-game you could play along with making art and music called Gnat Attack. Well, Nintendo realized that that was the only mode anyone really played anyway, so they outsourced Super Mario Paint to a random third party company so they could invest their resources into their next triple-A release: Gnat Attack: Apocalypse. Coming Summer 2018.



Until then though, we still have to give this game a final rating, so let’s do that.

Final Final Rating Paint: 7/10

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to be working on my latest masterpiece. See ya!



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Cripes, now my trusty frying pan broke.

Hold on, I swear I kept some stuff in this drawer...



As if I needed reminding of these gems. Hello, mouse-drawn syrup, and hiya to you, painted steak!



Okay, okay; moving on to actual weapons. Wasn't there an issue where I had my flamethrower...?

Wait, there's one behind me now. Fine then. Prepare for the taste...



... OF JUSTICE.



And eat this, you frozen... thing.



oops



oh

(is it sucking in all the other ones ew)



no



oof



...what.

This thing, this massive popsicle, made of all the combined sentient popsicle clones forming a single mass...

...Had the density of- oh, yeah. It's made of slush. Fine, I can accept that.



Nice. Well then, dearest viewers, in this month's Cooking Guide, I'm going to give last month's summer treat an extra taste test.



Damn, this tastes amazing. You can bet the net worth of Bill Gates that I'm making more of these things, with or without the cherries. Just... this is incredible. Seriously. I don't even need to clean any of this up unless my stomach counts as a cleaning utensil.

Alright, I'll turn the camera off now before you think I'm some kind of glutton. See ya.

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Written by: Ghost-written by  this month



Many thanks to, , , , and for sending in questions. Filling in for this section has been a valuable experience and brought me several steps closer to supplanting Anton and taking over his life.