The 'Shroom:Issue 123/Fake News

Editorial


Hey, and welcome to a special edition of the Fake News! Most people - including myself - are now done with exams! Unfortunately I'm busy otherwise so cannot talk to you for long. Nonetheless, hope you enjoy the issue!

~ 

Section of the Month

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Greetings, viewers, we are broadcasting your weather report from MKBC6.

This week, we are looking at good weather for outdoor activities. The Mushroom Kingdom Festival of the Arts runs from Sunday to Wednesday of this week, and features many different events, such as gallery exhibitions, outdoor installments, castle garden viewing, and the annual independent film festival, this week taking place on Tuesday.

Temperatures will continue to rise this week as we will see very hot temperatures Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Viewers are encouraged to stay indoors during the hottest parts of the day, and stay hydrated and wear sunscreen if you do go outside.

Sunday begins a new Peach Blossom Invitational Pokemon Battle tournament, to be held at Princess Peach's castle. Registration opens Tuesday, and matches will be announced Saturday night.If you have a Pokemon that you're ready to show off in battle, sign up for the tournament at the Festival on Tuesday!

This week also marks Garlic Days in New Wario City, and Wario has planned an entire celebration this year to embrace his favorite food. We'll bring you the forecast as well as highlight events that you won't want to miss.

Looking at the events schedule, the festival will begin on Monday with a garlic Cook-Off, to be judged by Wario, 18-Volt, and Mona. The winning recipe will be featured next month at Mona Pizza for a limited time. The winner will also receive a free copy of their favorite microgame made by Wario's microgame factory.

On Tuesday, Wario will be holding tours of his Microgame factory, for a small fee. Viewers will be able to observe the process of creating a microgame, from draft to production and marketing, and the gift shop will be open with extended hours and expansive merchandise for guests to purchase.

Wednesday and Thursday brings a short Superstars baseball tournament, with the Wario Muscles, Yoshi Eggs, Mario Fireballs, and Bowser Monsters participating. Guests are encouraged to come ready to cheer on their favorite team! Garlic-themed snacks and concessions will be available at all games, and specialty Wario Muscles garlic merchandise will be available for purchase.

Friday through Sunday, Wario will be featuring a Shake It! competition, where competitors will move through courses where they must solve puzzles and defeat enemies while earning cash and other rewards to complete the level. The contestant with the most cash at the end of the competition will be crowned the Shake It! Champion and will also get to keep their rewards. A good turnout is expected for this event, and registration opens Monday of the festival. Spaces are limited, so be sure to sign up at the festival table quickly!

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Mike He was loud, he did fairly decent karaoke, but today we must announce the sad death of one of Diamond City's most gifted individuals with the death of Mike.

Mike did not have an imaginative name, but his microphones provided constant hits, and were even used when Wario was planning on releasing an album. Tracks included "Money Money (Makes My Pockets Happy)", and "A Rich Man's (Otherwise Known As Me) World".

Mike died because of the constant heat frazzling his circuits, and giving him a terminal meltdown. When Dr. Crygor found the body, he was sadly unable to repair his former friend. "I tried several times, but I'd have an easier time making Wario lose weight."

Mike was also starting a weight-loss class, by helping people shed their kelories instead of their calories. His famous fruit punches were considered a piece of legend. One person who tasted it told me: "It tasted terrible, and the rest of the regime was a complete waste of time. It was terrible, and I certainly wouldn't have anything to do with it, or him, ever again."

When Wario was asked about the sad demise, he told us: "Who? Oh yeah, that guy. I guess it was sad, I wouldn't really know. Everytime I attempted karaoke I was booed off the stage. Me! Can you imagine what those cultureless swines actually considered to be good singing?"

Mike was an aspiring DJ, and was practicing at some events hosted by Jimmy T., who told us: "He hasn't half-bad, but perhaps it would've been better for him to stick with the karaoke, nothing else to say really."

Mike will certainly missed by the residents of Diamond City, and he was clearly an important part of their culture, infecting nearly every aspect of it, even if he wasn't particularly good at most of it. His funeral will be held next week, and the family have asked for only close friends and family to attend.

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Oh dear. Welcome back to TV Tomorrow, where the TV companies have made an inexplicable decision to let Wario show all the TV programmes. Expect a lot of egotism and a lot of bad presenting as we delve into the Day of Wario, where you really would be better off going outside in the fresh air and leaving your TV off. But just in case your face is glued to the screen, here's the three best shows, which really isn't saying much.

Wario, The Greatest Man On Earth Every channel, 8pm Genre: We think it's meant to be comedy Wario's self-made TV show has been scheduled to appear on every single channel for tomorrow. The frankly appalling show features Wario, the greatest man on earth, as he ponders the meaning of life, as well as eating a lot of garlic and beating up people in a flight suit. Not suitable for anyone of any age.

Wario and Waluigi's Super Prank Show MKBC1, 9pm Genre: Prank show Not quite as terrible as Wario, The Greatest Man on Earth, but this prank show still screams 'awful'. Wario teams up with his old pal Waluigi to perform a bunch of explosive and repugnant pranks on members of the public. Both of them have no idea how to present a show, but they seem to enjoy what they're doing. Would be nice if everyone else did.

Film: Wario's Road Trip MKBC2, 9pm Genre: Not sure, but it's definitely awful Claiming to be 'based on a true story', Wario's new film features him as he travels across the Mushroom Kingdom in a car painted in his colours. In the film, there is a lot of bad acting and a lot of failed comedy. Oh. And there is also a lot of rude humour and 'garlic farts' whatever those may be. I would recommend going on a road trip yourself instead of watching this.

And that is the end of this public service announcement. Please, if you do anything tomorrow, make sure it isn't watch TV. There is nothing good on. It all features Wario (and sometimes the equally appalling Waluigi). It's all bad acting. It's all failed comedy. It's all unspeakably unwatchable. Just hide under the table and wait for the next copy of the 'Shroom so we can finally have something good on the telly. Until then, good luck.

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Hello, ‘Shroom readers. I’m back with another Game Corner section this month, however, the way things are going now, I almost wish that I had permanently quit. You see, according to the United States Government, the way that the Super Mario Wiki has been promoting video games is highly distressing, and as the only video game reviewer of the Fake News section, I have been getting the brunt of this criticism. So, to promote more healthy endeavors, and to show my supreme loyalty to my government overlords, Game Corner will now be known as Sportz Corner, where I talk to you about random Mario related sports games and stuff.

Game #1: Mario and Sonic at the 2011 Rhode Island Statewide Championship Chess Tournament


The first game on our journey through the world of Mario Sports is this thing that I found at the back of my game cabinet, once again combining the wonderful worlds of Super Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog into one sub-par gaming experience. You can play as all your favorite characters and in all your favorite locations, competing for the prestigious title of 2011 State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations Chess Champion. Personally, I like the classic combination of the Queen Bee from Galaxy and Big the Cat facing off in an epic chess battle at Final Destination.

The gameplay is simple, and is just like regular chess. Except that everything is different. For one thing, motion controls are a thing. You have to tilt the Wiimote side to side to carefully pick up and place your chess pieces in the right location, and it doesn’t help that it’s inverted controls for literally no reason. There’s some special moves as well. Every time you take one of your opponent’s pieces, your star meter increases, and once it’s full, you can walk over to the other side of the board and sock your opponent right in the face to decrease their concentration, although loudly eating potato chips will also achieve this to a lesser extent.

Dream Events from the other Mario and Sonic Games also make appearances, although they’re a bit different. Instead of putting certain competitions in Mario and Sonic themed settings, Nintendo and Sega decided to try an approach based on the actual dreams of their co-workers. There’s a stage where you fall down a bottomless pit while playing chess, there’s one where you show up to an SAT test naked while playing chess, there’s one where your wife abandons you for a younger man while playing chess. There’s even one based on a PTSD dream of a programmer who worked on the Chauncey boss fight in Luigi’s Mansion:



No actual chess playing in that one though. Still, no matter how much junk you throw into this game, it’s still just boring old chess. All in all, this game is really a waste of time. And on top of that, chess isn’t even a real sport, so I REALLY wasted my time. And on top of that, this review wasn’t even that entertaining, so I REALLY wasted my time. And on top of that, no one even reads these articles, so I REALLY wasted my time. And on top of that, life is a meaningless and gloomy existence, so I REALLY wasted my time.

Final Rating: 5/10

Game #2: Super Mario Dodgetoad


Oh yes. We’ve gone there. I found the last game at the back of my game cabinet, this one I found at a seedy garage sale, and I think it’s possessed. I guess it was only matter of time before Nintendo went from weird and goofy to psychotic and horrifying. Ever play Dodgeball in Mario Sports Mix for the Wii? This is that, but instead of balls, you use unholy beings of pure terror. Not to be racist or anything, but toads do not belong on this Earth. Their high-pitched squeals pierce the eardrums and enter the sub-conscience reaches of the human mind to corrupt and control. They are evil and revolting, but I guess that provides an incentive to dodge them. Last one standing gets to keep their soul.

Anyway, the game works like you’d expect dodgeball to work, except that each toad has its own special powers. Red toads do the most damage, blues spin out and boomerang around, greens go the fastest, yellows cry, and purples bite. I can’t go into more detail than that though. I’m reading this off a Wiki article. I’m too scared to actually PLAY this thing. I mean come on. My loyalty to my government overlords isn’t THAT high. There is, again, really no point.

Final Rating: Inconclusive

So, so far, I haven’t really done anything to appease those FBI crazies, and I’ve only reviewed terrible sports games that probably ensured that most of you would never engage in any sort of athletic activity again. But don’t worry, I have an ace up my sleeve that is sure to make the government happy:

Game #3: Mario Learns the MyPlate&trade; Food Guide


I found the previous game at a seedy garage sale, I found this one inside a broken fridge at that seedy garage sale. Maybe I should have prioritized games that I owned and already knew were good, and that I didn’t find at a seedy garage sale. But it’s too late for that now. Regardless, there’s nothing that governments like more than seeing that their investments into certain programs didn’t go to waste. Now judging by the fact that this is on the DS, you might think that this was released in the late 2000s, but no, this was actually released in 2016, although, given the government’s track record with appealing to youths, I’m surprised that this wasn’t a GameBoy Advance exclusive. Anyway, now that I’ve given you some background, it’s time for the butt-kissing.

(sigh)

oH bOi dO I lOOOvE dIs GaEmE!!!!!! DeRs jus sO muCch 2 LiKe!!!! diS iZ jUs a mUSTERPEICE!!!!!! LEveN oUta tEN sTaArzz!!! YaYyay!!!!!!!

(ahem)

There. I hope that does it. I really don’t like to do that, but it becomes necessary from time to time. The actual game isn’t even really a game. It’s just an interactive chart with health information that became outdated a month after its release. Whatever. As long as a SWAT team doesn’t come knocking at my door, I’m happy.

Final Rating: 11/10 DA BESS GAEME!!!

By the way, a SWAT team has come knocking at my door. Apparently, under President Trump’s administration, any policies formerly promoted by Barack Obama have now been outlawed, and I’m in serious trouble now, on top of the fact that reviewing video games of any kind is evidently prohibited, regardless of content. This whole thing wasn’t a complete waste, however. I’m hoping to bribe the FBI with an idea for a new form of biological warfare. Picture this: instead of dropping nuclear bombs on our enemies, we drop thousands of different colored toads. The outcome would be the same, and it gives us something to do with the spare toads we have lying around. Wish me luck, and I’ll (hopefully) see you next month.

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Garlic. A pretty great thing in food, but that isn't what I'm going to talk about today. I'm trying to find a very special garlic, one that has very magical powers.



The garlic I'm trying to find is capable of transforming even the fattest of men into superheroes. Don't believe me? Then ask Wario. He's done it. I've seen it. He ate this funny greenish garlic and then boom! Wario-Man.



But how do you get from a regular old garlic to the weird green one that has those transformation capabilities? It obviously isn't as simple as just eating a few cloves.



So then I had a go at preparing my own one. Unfortunately, letting garlic rot did not have the desired result. The whole bulb was disgusting and not green, and the cloves were just shiny and kind of golden. I didn't want to eat it. No way.



But on closer inspection, hours of research, and then quickly checking the wiki page, I discovered that this 'garlic' was no vegetable! It was in fact a Mandrake, which is said to be a magical plant that kills anyone who uproots it. This was obviously how Wario managed to transform; the mandrake must have killed everything that made him not a superhero.

Unfortunately it turns out the magical mandrakes don't actually exist. What do you think this is, some sort of magical fairy world? Suurre.



But then I had another idea. I remember that the first time Wario transformed, he was incredibly ill. Maybe if I were to be ill, any old garlic clove would to the job.



I did the natural thing and stole some viruses from a hospital. They didn't mind, I'm sure.



Alright, it's been a few days. Sore eyes, sore throat, sore stomach: I'd say I'm ill. So let's make the magic happen. Here you can see I've crushed that rotten garlic clove into a glass for me to drink.



It's going to be delicious, I bet. Plus, pretty sure I'm going to be a superhero next? So yeah, next time you see me I'll be a new guy with some *sick* powers. I'll see you then.

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Thanks to (Forum profile),  (Forum profile) , and probably some other people from IRC since I asked people for questions there and got a bunch lobbed at me for sending in questions! If you seek my flawless advice, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page! If you would like for there to be a doodle with the response to your question, feel free to request so and I'll see what I can do.