The 'Shroom:Issue 136/Fake News

Editorial


Hey everyone, welcome back to the Fake News! Hope you all enjoyed the special issue last month, and that you're generally having a good summer! Or winter!

I don't really have that much to say here this month, but hope you enjoy the issue! :)

~ 

Section of the Month

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Written by:

Chanterelle Tragedy fell over one shady bar last night as its highly esteemed singer Chanterelle mysteriously passed away. Despite the annual Killing Game antics currently taking place, a Killing Game-related death was ruled out, although suspicions were raised when a dismembered parrot was found nearby, and one bar-goer was found diligently counting sand in the nearby harbour.

Chanterelle was a gifted singer, even if she wasn't able to actually write any of her own music, something which is known to have annoyed her manager. “If she doesn't start writing her own music soon, I think I'll kill her!” he is quoted as having previously said. His comments aren't being treated as suspicious. One man known as the Master Poet expressed his sadness about her death, especially since his lyrics will now no longer have a gifted singer to sing them. However, I decided to cut his quotes out of this obituary due to the fact that I really don't like rhymes and apparently that's all he talks in.

Since her death, sales of her albums have skyrocketed, despite there being a price hike. One music shop owner, Toadette said: “Her albums never sold this good before, so I might as well actually make something from this.” Some patrons in the shop were visibly shocked after Toadette spoke, but they still decided to buy the album.

Chanterelle's funeral will be help in two weeks time. She will be buried Club 64, and it's hoped that her body being there will draw in tourists from around the world to visit the old Club where she used to sing. If not, then just have a macabre attraction in the backyard.

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Written by:

TV Tomorrow is back again for the summer schedule. There may be blazing sunshine at this time of year, where you could be outside basking in the warmth, but there is still quality television on, and you might as well watch it while it’s on. After all, going outside is overrated. Anyway, before I bore you with my introductory techniques, let’s get on with the top three shows of tomorrow!



Agents of S.H.R.O.O.M. MKBC1, 10.30pm Genre: Action/spy drama A rival to the Koopa Troop TV’s similar show MORTON (see the May 2018 issue), this show takes the side of the Toads, following the action-packed adventures of the S.H.R.O.O.M. (Strategic Homeland Reconnaissance Organisation Of Mario). Led by Mario, playing himself, the organisation travels to a rocket launch site, where they discover a terrible plan that could potentially send the Mushroom Kingdom into chaos.



New: Chef Mario’s Luncheon Kingdom Delights MKBC2, 7.30pm Genre: Cooking/travel show A spin-off of Chef Mario’s Perfect Cooking, this series documents Chef Mario (Mario in a chef’s hat) as he journeys to Mount Volbono in the Luncheon Kingdom to serve up some local delicacies. In today’s episode, Chef Mario visits the Field of Golden Turnips in the eastern region of the kingdom, before showing you how to make a Golden Turnip Stew.



Inter-Universe Beach Volleyball Championships MKBC Sports, 11am-6pm Genre: Sports Coming live from the Beach Bowl Galaxy are the Inter-Universe Beach Volleyball Championships, where teams of two from both Mario and Sonic universes come together every three and a quarter years to compete for the title. Kicking off tomorrow are last time’s winners Knuckles and Yoshi as they face Mario and Sonic, who lost in the quarter-finals at the last championships.

That’s it for the best of tomorrow’s TV. Remember - just because the weather’s hot doesn’t mean you have to ignore the television. I will now probably get criticised by parents worldwide for giving bad messages to their children. Oh well. See you next time (provided no angry parents sue me) on TV Tomorrow!

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Written by:

Waluigi. You know him. You love him. You’d love to date him. He’s a liar, a cheat, and just a Crude Dude with Attitude&trade;. Yet somehow, despite his importance to the Mario franchise and Western culture as a whole, Nintendo has repeatedly jilted him. A few of you may remember 2016’s so-called “Year of Waluigi,” which promised several Waluigi themed games but only yielded a measly two spin-offs (and way too many footnotes). Oh, and a weird Christmas game that everyone pretended to be excited about until realizing how disturbing it was. And last, but not least, we all thought he would be in the new Smash Brothers (except for me. I definitely was never fooled into thinking that. All right, enough self-promotion), but in the end, Nintendo let the world down.



Ladies and gentleshrooms, peace has finally been restored! All these ups and downs and downs and downs in Waluigi’s history have been building up to this very moment. You see, after nearly two decades, Waluigi has finally been given his own REAL game. Not as a character in a spin-off, not as a side character in a main-series Mario game, but as the star of a full-fledged Waluigi game! I am thrilled to present to you…

Wa



Yes, we all know what Waluigi is like…on the surface that is. But what is Waluigi REALLY like behind that mustache and hat? This release hopes to answer that question as in depth as possible without coming across as creepy, all through compelling gameplay. Will it pull it off? Let’s find out!

Story

Waluigi is on a quest. A quest to grow the slickest and sexiest mustache of all time! After repeatedly being outshined by the more successful Italian stereotypes through their superior nose-bowties (the hip term for mustache), Waluigi decides to take matters into his own hands, searching the land for the mysterious eight Was of Time (as in, the plural of Wa of Time). Why is he doing this? How does this relate to the mustache problem? How can a “wa” be a tangible thing to be collected? And why are there eight of them? Why do they even exist? How can a stupid catchphrase be related to an entire dimension of the space-time continuum so strongly that the descriptor “of time” becomes necessary? Who knows? Who cares? It’s just a stupid Mario game, starring one of the series’ many zany characters and the hijinks he gets into. What’s not to love? Sure it’s silly. So what? It’s fun! Wahoo!

Story Grade: 8/10

Gameplay

As I’m sure you can imagine, the gameplay of this release revolves mainly around navigating the pitfalls of world politics as you negotiate your way through international trade deals, peace accords, and human rights issues. There’s also a heavy element of keeping private corporations in check while also protecting the global economy. This all involves a great deal of strategic planning, which is quite challenging and fun. It’s good to see that, for once, Nintendo gives the public exactly what it wants from a Waluigi adventure, which is the opening crawl of The Phantom Menace but longer and a video game.

There’s a surprising amount of moral quandaries in a game starring fiction’s greatest cheater. For example, do you pursue peace with the enemy dictatorship torturing its citizens, or fight against them at all costs? Personally, I chose the former:



As a whole, I’d say this is a challenging, yet enjoyable experience with very few gameplay flaws.

Gameplay Grade: 9/10

Graphics

All right, so I have some mixed emotions concerning the graphics, to say the least. You see, when Nintendo began work on their magnum opus here, they wanted to venture into the realm of hyper-realism a bit. And the results are, well, see for yourself:



I’m not going to sugarcoat this. I am legitimately terrified. I may seriously throw up if I look at this any longer. If you are planning on purchasing this game, I implore you to always keep a good twelve feet between you and your television screen. It’s the only way I could finish the game without feeling too queasy. Absolutely revolting.

It has a lot of polygons tho.

 Graphics Grade: 10/10 Perfect

Replay-Ability

Ultimately, even if the game was bad, the mere fact that Waluigi was the star would still make it a Nintendo classic that people could come back to over and over again. Already people are organizing conventions for this game, dressing up as their favorite Waluigi characters (i.e. Waluigi, etc.) and hosting famous Waluigi-related guests (see previous note).

Even Nintendo is getting in on the fun, posting this image on their official website with the caption, “REPENT”:



Haha. I honestly may not sleep for days.

Replay-Ability Grade: 10/10

Overall

Do I really need to say it again? Wa is a wonderful experience from start to finish, finally giving the fanbase some closure on their favorite character. The Waluigi movement is spreading all over the globe, showing no signs of stopping soon! I’ve tried boarding up my windows, but it just keeps coming! I want to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but it doesn’t help! This is the world we live in now! And I’m feelin’ fine!

Overall Grade: 9.5/10

Oh, God. Please. This isn’t what I wanted. I want to see my family. I want this to all go away. Someone, anyone! Help! I can feel it closing in now! THIS IS THE END! OH LORD I-

…What?

…too much?

Okay.

''Sigh. '' See you next week….

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Written by:

After last month’s detour, I am pleased to announce that I safely arrived in Marrymore. Tucked away in the shadow of Star Hill, Marrymore is the biggest destination for weddings in the Mushroom Kingdom. For what reason, Flavio does not know. I suppose that, for the working folk, this quaint resort must be the pinnacle of luxury. Of course, Flavio knows better. Being a man of culture who has experienced the finest accommodations from the aristocratic Poshley Heights to the royal Float Castle, I understand that the offerings here are, while still of high-quality, subpar compared to what a traveler of the world and tradesman such as myself can find. In truth, Marrymore is nothing more than a one-trick tourist trap which promises grandeur and a taste of the high-life to newlyweds while only delivering a cheap facade of the refined lifestyle.

I know better, though; as a Shop Scout, I must evaluate the businesses here with objectivity. Besides, Flavio is a sentimental fellow. Flavio is a man who knows that life revolves around passion, and no being has more passion than one who is in the throes of love. To come here to proclaim an eternal devotion, certainly there can be no goal nobler! Yes, even if those who make the pilgrimage here are ignorant of the finer things in life, they come with pure and admirable intent. It is the duty of Flavio to protect these pure and gentle souls, seeking to be bound in holy matrimony, by investigating the beating heart of this city. Yes, for these reasons, Flavio took on the demanding task of investigating the Marrymore Wedding Chapel.

I’ve noted before that the Marrymore Wedding Chapel has seen an incredible surge in popularity ever since reports of a cake coming to life. Much like the Tangerino Grill, the unusual rumours which have swirled around this alleged event have turned this already popular destination into one of the Kingdom’s most notable businesses. With such high demand, it should not surprise the astute among Flavio’s audience to learn that access is highly controlled, with reservations of the building and its plethora of services filled for seven months in advance. You might ask how I plan to get into this building. You say, “Flavio, even with your abundant charm and skillful negotiation tactics, you cannot possibly convince the owners to simply allow you to crash a wedding which you have no invitation to!” I can hear your cries now, but you have no need to worry. Flavio is a learned man, and a learned man always does the requisite research before embarking on important business. I have discovered that, in a homage to its roots as a small site where travelers long ago came without money or reservation to proclaim their love under the observation of the Star Spirits upon Star Hill, the Marrymore Wedding Chapel sets aside the third Saturday of each month to hold a special raffle. During this raffle, one lucky couple staying in the city of Marrymore is selected to receive a wedding of their dreams the following day, with no reservation needed. Of course, the audience gathered to watch this lucky pair cannot be planned in advance, so the doors are open to guests like Flavio. Once inside, with guests and staff alike caught up in the festive atmosphere and inebriated, I will be able to sneak off into the kitchen and observe the proceedings.

Plan in place, I arrived on Friday and simply waited for the results of the raffle to be announced at noon on Saturday. With great punctuality, the owners gathered a crowd at eleven fifty the next day to announce that a couple had been selected for the wedding. The couple were a rather dour sort, and they seemed to shrink from the spotlight. I understand that not all can be as comfortable in the public eye as Flavio, but this pair seemed uncomfortable to the point that I worried they might faint or run off in an anxious fit. Though they made a noble attempt to appear professional, their clothing betrayed their class. They were certainly poor, perhaps impoverished, souls likely have coming from one of the Kingdom’s forgotten towns in some isolated rural region. They certainly could not have much in the way of capital, or culture for that matter. As I stood with the crowd, I tried to dispel these judgemental thoughts and refocus on my plan. Flavio did not come to criticize the fashion sense of Marrymore’s visitors, but to discover just what happens in the Marrymore Wedding Chapel! Soon enough, the grim duo were ushered into the chapel, where they would stay overnight and begin preparing for their wedding. I attempted to continue on with his day, exploring what little the town had to offer, but… I could not dispel my thoughts of the couple I had seen on stage earlier that day. Even when I returned to my hotel suite, I could not rest, for my mind was preoccupied with some deep concern for the pair. What was this source of this concern? Flavio did not know. Perhaps it was instinct. Perhaps it was unfamiliar surroundings playing tricks on my mind. Whatever the case, Flavio was disturbed.

And I was still so when I awoke the next morning at six. Though the doors of the reception hall did not open until nine, I made the decision to go early. As there was no chance of my return to sleep, it seemed that the best use of my time was seeing if I might enter the chapel early so that I could begin my observations. To my pleasant surprise, most of the staff had not yet arrived, and no security barred my entrance. Upon entering, though, I came across a horrific sight. In front of my eyes, the sullen couple I had seen the day before stood with tears streaming down their faces. The young woman was slumped over in defeat, supported by a chair, and the clearly distraught gentleman had fallen upon his knees, begging the owner for something. Having not yet been noticed, I made myself inconspicuous and observed the exchange. The owner of the chapel, a youthful and clearly well-off Toad, explained to the gentleman that there was simply nothing he could do. I will spare you the details of the infuriating conversation, but I will tell you that the dispute arose because the Marrymore Wedding Chapel expected even the winners of its monthly raffles to finance their weddings, and this poor couple did not possess the means to pay for the wedding which they had won. The owner was on the verge of canceling the whole affair, and grew increasingly irate with the disheartened and desperate couple.



Of course, Flavio was enraged, and after a few moments, I stepped out and confronted the owner. I told him that he was a disgrace to his kind, a fool so focused on business that he had forsaken the passions of life. That he could even consider the finances of a couple so deeply in love and who had set out in the hopes of making their dreams reality, that he could place his regulations above a pure and true romance, the thought disgusted Flavio. Yet, I did not stop with berating this despicable excuse of a fungus. I turned to the couple, and, looking at the despair which filled their eyes, I told them that I would happily pay for the wedding so that it might go through. The owner agreed to this arrangement, and the final preparations for the wedding which had been under construction since the previous day renewed. The couple, who I could now tell clearly were Twilighters, approached me with an offer. They asked if Flavio, as the one who made their wedding possible, would have an interest in officiating it. While I knew it would prevent me from performing my duties and examining in detail the workings of the Marrymore Wedding Chapel. I could not turn down the opportunity to become a part of this pair’s passionate story. I agreed right away and hastily returned to my suite to change into more proper attire before the ceremony began at ten.

I must offer my apologies to you, the dear readers of Shop Scout, for I cannot give a full and exhaustive report on the Marrymore Wedding Chapel. Yet, for the joy on the face of the couple, who had so little yet appeared in that moment that they read their vows to have the entire universe to themselves, Flavio would trade nothing else.

Selling Out
Written by:

Selling Out Issue VI: A Window to Homeownership

With the increasing value of properties the market in the Mushroom Kingdom has been a great one for sellers, but not so much for buyers. Much of the younger generation has turned to rent property instead of buying due not having mushroom in their wallet. Before the Completely Real Estate Academy, Realah T. was in the same boat too and wants to do a favor for everyone where she once was. There are plenty of bad landlords and properties out there, so thanks to Realah T. ’s illustrious assistant Sereni T. we have secured some properties to deal in the new Toad Acres subdivision. These properties are managed by the son of a wealthy mogul so they are the real deal.



The subdivision is on the outskirts of the prominent Mushroom City and was purchased from the last tenants several years ago upon their retirement. The previous properties were built about 50 years ago following the rapid expansion of the former village of Shroomlock after the town’s namesake Shroomlock Sr., father of the famous detective, moved to the prestigious Toadland Yard to relocate his services. Following this many of the former residents began to emigrate to Toad Town after the village’s major source of revenue dried up. This, in fact, is what made it a seat of power in the Mushroom Kingdom. I guess all these history lessons are why Realah T. is known as Sherlock Homes.



The current properties are two-floor single-family homes modeled after the common Toad Houses scattered across the Mushroom Kingdom featuring the iconic capped red and white roof. What causes these to differ is the large sunroom on the second floor which allows these to outshine the competition. The semicircle room features wall to wall angles floor to ceiling windows, perfect for hosting parties or just an afternoon sun tanning. The automatic tinting feature will block out any nosy passersby. While the main feature of the second floor the secondary the secondary room is an undesignated space perfect for any tenant looking for a multipurpose space.

As for the first floor upon entering your eyes are drawn to the grand spiral staircase which connects the home. To the immediate right and left are the Living Room and Kitchen. The Kitchen features state of the art Castillo brand appliances, specifically a fridge and freezer combo and stove. Both are made of a stainless steel alloy which is scratch resistant and are stick resistant too, thanks to a Teflon coating. The cabinets are made of a maple wood hybrid coated with a rich stain. The countertops are made of a lovely blue granite with a 15-year lifespan before they begin to show any sort of wear and tear.

The Living Room itself while unremarkable feature a brick accent wall with a limestone fireplace which provides a remarkable contrast to the darker colors and really helps balance out the room. The dimmer switches help prepare for any sort of social situation and are provided by a brass domed light on the center of the room for when the natural lighting gets too low.

The twin bedrooms feature tall ceilings to help provide more breathing room and their floor to ceiling windows really help to assist with this and provide convenient access to the patio and spacious backyard. These properties are flying fast due to their low prices and convenient features for anyone wanting to save up before jumping to full-blown homeownership. If you do rent for more than 5 years, the owner is willing to offer the chance to some tenants to acquire the properties for themselves. Be sure to call Realah T. at (868) 259-7325 cause this is an offer you’ll really want to own