The 'Shroom:Issue XLI/Fake News

Fake News

Director’s Notes
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 * 1) Find the section you’d like to write. The current openings are for Fake Music, Fake TV, Fake Police Blotter, Fake Weather, Character Battle, and Fake Characters.
 * 2) Get an account on the forum. Don’t worry, it’s free.  When you sign up, do not use a Gmail account. It will treat the activation message as spam and you will be unable to receive it.
 * 3) Send me a private message (my name is Oaktown Mojo on the forums). You can do so by finding my account name or just clicking this link.

After you send me the message saying you want to write for the Fake News, I will send you the questions you need to answer. Please remember that the current open positions are Fake Music, Fake TV, Fake Police Blotter, Character Battle, and Fake Characters. After sending me your section, the other ’Shroom staff members and I will look at it, and we will make sure your section is good to go. After that, you’ll get a reminder each month telling you to send in your section.

For those of you who have sent me things about the Fake News that I haven’t yet responded to, I’m sorry, but leading the awards was a ton of work. I will get to those ASAP.

Also, congratulations to Tucayo for winning Favorite Director and Writer, Edofenrir for helping Fake Games win Favorite Section, the 18 voters who helped make Fake News the recipient of Favorite Sub‐Team, and all the voters in this year’s ’Shroom Awards!

Because of the Awards, Gamefreak75 has been given exemptions for this month’s issue. They will return to writing next month.

Travel Guide
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Come visit scenic Outer Space! We’ve got robots! Though jumping on them is pointless, it makes a cool sound. Another cool sound is caused when you fall into Dark Matter! Don't try this one. We also have some kind of bunnies. They are meant to be played with by 3-year-olds instead of sophisticated astronauts who play the Mario Series. In addition, we have a fat Luma who makes weird sounds and tells you confusing things. Why this fatass Luma can't be straightforward, I do not know. Plus we have a lot of bosses. Most of them have good music. Some of them don't. Woot.

Fake Game: Super Mario Wars: The Great Toadstool Crusade
by Greetings. This is Edofenrir, writing Fake Games – August 2010. Being busy with presentations for the MarioWiki Awards, I didn’t know if my section would make it this month. But as it seems, I found a wonderful miracle solution and now my sections are only a bit delayed. What is this miracle solution you ask? I’ll tell you: Coffee. And lots of it. I recently stumbled upon an old family recipe of my grand‐uncle Edoflammie, describing how to brew coffee with twenty times the amount of caffeine. And now that I drank three cans of that stuff, I am confident I will be awake and finish this section. In fact I am a little worried whether I will ever be able to sleep again…

The game I am reviewing this month is an obscure title called Super Mario Wars: The Great Toadstool Crusade. With this game the Mario franchise dipped into the real‐time strategy genre for the first and probably the last time. I use past tense here, because this is not a recent game. In fact, it was released during the Nintendo 64 era, but Shigeru Miyamoto feared that it was too outlandish and might sell poorly, so Nintendo produced only two copies. I found one of them attracting dust in my attic while looking for the aforementioned coffee recipe.

But now more about the game itself:

Story
We are writing of the year 1021 AP (anno Poochii). In those medieval times, a large alliance of several small kingdoms is living a dire and hard life inhabiting a mostly infertile land somewhere at the end of the world. Times are tiring, and quarrels are numerous, but there is hope. A new land has recently been discovered in the south. This land, being fertile and overgrown by nutritious mushrooms, would be able to end the times of indigence, if there wasn’t a major problem. The prosperous land is already inhabited by another party, calling themselves the Koopa Clan.

Hearing of this blessed land, the great Popess Kumquat Toadstool IV sends out for the rulers of the four greatest kingdoms: Sir Richard Mario of Fire Dale IX, Emperor Friedrich Luigi of the Stormy Summits, Duke Dudd Wario of the Flatland the Very First, and Queen Eva Maria Theresia‐Estelle Daisy of Flower Field CCXXXVIII.

''“My most loyal servants, hear the request of Popess Toadstool! We have endured poverty and suffering far too long! But now the time has come to rejoice! A blessed land in the south has been discovered and offers us a new perspective, but it is already occupied by Koopas! Now is the time to take what is rightfully ours! In my name, invade this land! Pillage, slay, and crush! Show those turtles where their place is, and then build a glorious kingdom for me on their charred remains! Ready your arms and show no mercy, for the crown of Toadstool!”''

And so the four lords set out to the blessed land to heed the word of the Popess, each with their own motivation for doing so.

Gameplay
Before the game starts, the player has to choose one of the five campaigns. Their choice will affect how the story progresses.

Once that is done, the player starts out on an isometric map, with only a fort and his lord. The objective in the game is to find the lord of the enemies and defeat him. If a player’s own lord is defeated, the player loses the game. It’s a lot like chess, only with fancy graphics and mushrooms. The first thing to do is to build a functional economy, just like in most strategy games. Most important for that are the game’s three resources: Cakes, Brick Blocks, and Mushrooms. Cakes are needed to keep the citizens alive and willing to work. They can be fabricated in bakeries. Brick Blocks serve as building material and are required to build houses and other things. They can be found in brick mines. Mushrooms are the most important resource. They are used like money in the game and are necessary to hire soldiers. Mushrooms can be gained by forcing mushroom taxes onto the citizens, but the higher those taxes are, the more cake the citizens require, and the more bakeries must be built, which is practically a giant loop.

Once the economy booms, the player can focus on waging war with their enemies. They can do that by hiring soldiers and sending them around on the map, making them beat up enemy troops. There is also an online multiplayer mode integrated into the game. Getting this to work properly can be a hassle, though, since you have to connect your Nintendo 64 to the internet somehow. Also there is the problem that there is only one other copy of the game out there, so it isn’t really worth the effort. I did it anyway, since… uh… I don’t know why, to be honest. I must be really bored.

Campaigns
The player gets to choose between five different campaigns, each telling the story from the point of view of one of the five lords. Which campaign is chosen will also have a more or less slight impact on the story. The five campaigns are:

Oath of the Blazing Mustache: Sir Mario, the knight
Sir Richard Mario of Fire Dale IX is a noble knight and the most heroic of the four Toadstoolian lords. He has fought many battles and is extremely loyal to Popess Toadstool. His motivation during the campaign is to bring glory to the Popess and end the suffering of his people.

To achieve this, he has to put up with both King Koopa, who occupies the blessed land, and Duke Wario, who aims to claim the land for himself once every enemy is vanquished. The campaign ends with both of his enemies getting banished. King Koopa is exiled to Dark Land and Duke Wario gets send to Sarasaland. In the Popess’s name, Sir Mario builds a new kingdom on top of the old one and names it “Mushroom Kingdom”.

Out of the Thunderstorm: Emperor Luigi, the strategist
Emperor Friedrich Luigi of the Stormy Summits is the smartest of the four Toadstoolian lords. He is non‐confrontational and always searches for the most profitable way. He resents the ambitions of the Popess and questions her beliefs. His motivation during the campaign is to escape the Popess’s tyranny and bring liberty to his empire.

Though both of them share a neutral relationship, his main enemy in his striving for freedom is the one most loyal to the Popess: Sir Mario. To defeat this powerful foe, Emperor Luigi has to forge an alliance with the Koopa King. They eventually defeat Sir Mario and later the Popess as well, and found a new kingdom: The Green Empire.

Feuding and Feasting: Duke Wario, the tyrant
Duke Dudd Wario of the Flatland is the most reckless of the four Toadstoolian lords. He loves to quarrel with others and is generally hungry for both feasts and power, which gained him an unflattering nickname. He also likes to back‐stab his allies. His motivation during the campaign is simply to expand his influence.

To do that he tries to take advantage of everyone and sell them out to each other. In the end, though, he is chased away by his rival Sir Mario and has to take refuge in Sarasaland. There he gets into a dispute with Queen Daisy and both battle over the new land they just found.

Quest for Glory: Queen Daisy, the wallflower
Queen Eva Maria Theresia‐Estelle Daisy of Flower Field CCXXXVIII has the most exhausting name of the four Toadstoolian lords. Her name is so obnoxious and long that nobody can ever remember it. Because of that, Queen Daisy has picked up the habit of introducing herself on every possible occasion to make sure nobody ever forgets her name. Her motivation during the campaign is to gain fame, so she will be remembered.

At the beginning of her campaign she gets quickly attacked by Pirate Goombas and her ship crashes at the shore of a land called Sarasaland. Having poor navigational senses, Queen Daisy mostly wanders around, trying to find her destination. She never does. She does, however, find the exiled Duke Wario, and chases him out of the land. Tired from her search for the blessed land, Queen Daisy eventually decides to just forget it and settle down in Sarasaland.

A Pumpkin in Arms: King Koopa, the poet
King Kopernikus Koopa is the jovial and mostly benevolent ruler of the Koopa Clan who inhabits the blessed land. He likes hot baths and tea parties and doesn’t know much about warfare. His motivation during the campaign is to protect his people from the four invading forces of the Toadstoolian party.

After hearing about the impending invasion and learning from his advisers that he won’t be able to talk the enemies out of attacking him with poetry, King Koopa gets ready for the war. Over the course of the siege he eventually teams up with one of the invaders, Emperor Luigi. In a long and hard battle, Emperor Luigi and King Koopa defeat Sir Mario, and later even Popess Toadstool herself and rid the world of her evil once and for all. They then found a new kingdom together and call it “The Green Empire”.

Summary
All in all this game is decent, if a tad weird. In fact, I seem to be cursed with only reviewing weird games that are either bad or so obscure that nobody ever played them. If you ever happen to come across this game, you should play it just to see how it is. I recommend that you stay away from the multiplayer mode, though. The first time I tried connecting my Nintendo 64 to the internet I ended up accidentally remodeling it into a toaster.

And with that I close this month’s review. I am glad I didn’t have to talk to any Nintendo employees who misspell my name this time. Now that this is over, I can finally go back to sleep. I really don’t know if I can, but we will sekbn.mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (…)

Cooking Guide
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Welcome again to an exciting episode of Cooking Guide. Baby Mario Bloops here to tell you that I have an special issue to present today! Not only that, but we also have a very special guest today! Give a warm welcome to Saffron!!!!!

Now, she will show you the better and less killing and boring loving way to make Dayzee Syrup. Let me hand it over to Saffron now.

Thank you Baby Mario Bloops. Now let me begin with what you all sweeties need.


 * A Crazee Dayzee Cutie. ♥
 * An instrument or just plain lovely music. ♥
 * A cute and sweet jar. ♥
 * A little pot and a hearty stove. ♥
 * A kitchen to do all this graceful work. ♥
 * A fancy little syrup pitcher. ♥


 * 1) First you call a cutie Crazee Dayzee friend on over. If you don’t have one, you lovely users can just speed date really quickly. ♥
 * 2) Once you have achieved that cute little deed, play some smooth music for the cutie till you make it cry from the beauty! ♥
 * 3) Use that sweet jar to collect those pretty tears, and wait ’til the jar is full. ♥
 * 4) Pour the beautiful tears into the little pot and turn on the hearty stove. ♥
 * 5) Simply wait a peaceful half hour or until the tears are as smooth as honey. ♥
 * 6) Pour the tears into the fancy pitcher and share a delicious glass with your cutie friend! ♥

Interview
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Welcome all users to the most interesting interview with Baby Mario Bloops, who is me! I am about to interview a young crybaby that has been captured by Baby Bowser in the past, but still is braver than his older counterpart. That baby is none other than Baby Luigi, younger brother of Baby Mario! Let me get my instant translator out and begin the interview…

Baby Mario Bloops: Why hello Baby Luigi, how are you?

Baby Luigi: Gooooo Gibgle! (…very scary to talk in front of everyone!)

Baby Mario Bloops: I see, but don’t worry, I know you can handle it! So how is life with you and your brother?

Baby Luigi: Goobity Gaggaa Mario! (…Nice to be protected by brother Mario!)

Baby Mario Bloops: Nice to hear that. Also, what about the princesses?

Baby Luigi: Boogly Bamga! Nargle Fu! (…We see them a lot! It is fun to play!)

Baby Mario Bloops: What do you do at the castle?

Baby Luigi: Gargle fut turra venf ka‐heef nar ven! (…We chase and tag each other, rescue them from the tall beds, and angry their watcher!)

Baby Mario Bloops: Sounds fun. What about your adventures with the future Mario and future you?

Baby Luigi: Fufff gragragra takdle Mario Luigi gragrag tfuf. (…It was very fun to hang out with older Mario Luigi and play every day.)

Baby Mario Bloops: How often to you get to see them?

Baby Luigi: Baseball, Go‐Go Karts, futftu... (…Baseball, Go Karts, other things…)

Baby Mario Bloops: Yeah, those spinoffs…do you plan to be in a major role soon?

Baby Luigi: No‐no! Luigi barskta daldke bofkel! (…no, older Luigi does all the stuff!)

Baby Mario Bloops: But don’t you team up for cool stuff?

Baby Luigi: Dkdalkjd bakjdlk, eakdlkj lddl…zzz (…well sort of, but sleepy now…zzz)

Baby Mario Bloops: Okay, night then. Well, that wraps up an interesting interview. I will see you all next month (Hopefully, you never know)!

Fake Sports
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Mario won the World Foosball Championships by defeating Wario, 10–7. Though he trailed 5–2, he then scored 7 in a row to take a commanding 9–5 lead in the first‐to‐10 championship match. Mario won the $100 prize for winning the tournament.

Fake Shop
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''Hey Greater Mushroom Kingdom and outlying boroughs! is having its annual Star Festival Sale! Get all of your favorite deals at even LOWER prices. That means you save BIG coins!Get 1‐ups, Courage Soda, Floatbrella — oh wait, that’s on back order. And please take advantage of our new promotion – stop Princess Peach from being kidnapped by Bowser, and get Vibe Tea for the rest of your life for FREE! Hurry, these deals are going fast, and you certainly don’t want to get stuck in line wait— DAISY, DON’T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH BUYING THAT WITH A BANANA COIN! I mean, really! And that is SO not your color, girl! — Uhh… I forgot what I was going to say. Oh yeah, *store jingle* “Shop Crazzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyy Toad’s for Crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyy Deals!”''

Ask Tucayo
By You know who...

So, welcome to this new section. What is this about? Well, you NEED TO PM me a question, it can be about ANYTHING, and then I'll answer it in the next month's issue. Go. Now.