The 'Shroom:Issue LXXX/Fake News

Fake News

Editorial
Hello, and welcome once again to the Fake News! It's November, in case you haven't noticed - in fact, we're already over halfway through November. How scary. Time flies when you're reading Fake News. Or not, if that works better. We here at the Fake News take self-deprecation in our stride. Well, I do. Not sure about the other guys.

Speaking of the other guys, Waluigi  (writing the Travel Guide) was our Section of the Month winner for October with a grand total of 22 votes. and Ask P_Y were close behind with 13 votes, and 's Obituaries were next with 7 votes.

Staff changes: I now have a staff. I hit people with it when they're late.

(of course this means I have to hit myself a lot)

[[File:Font TravelGuide.png]]
Written by:

Hello, citizens of the MarioWiki and inhuman Fawful fanboys alike! After last month's incredibly successful section starring my good buddy Waluigi, I've decided to mess with all of you and go somewhere myself. What is this place, you ask? The Glitz Pit!

Only the toughest of the fighters and the highest-pitched of scream-happy girls find a home here. It's a wrestling arena that regularly hosts tournaments full of EXCITEMENT. The lodging prices are nonexistant - if you're staying here, insomnia is a huge plus. The entire place is on a floating island in the clouds. The only buildings on it are a juice bar, ripoff shop, and the pit itself.

Matches are daily, but other than the matches there's not much to do here, so I lack any other padding to do. What, did you think I would magically make up hotels and other locations to stretch the section? What are you, crazy? Oh yes, I would like a lampshade, thank you TVTropes.



Fortunately, I was able to go behind the scenes by bribing the security guards with Hostess cupcakes...er, no, with a special pass I purchased absolutely legally in the back streets of Rogueport. I got to visit the champion, Rawk Hawk, himself and watch him beat the bonkers out of me for invading his personal space. I was knocked out to the major league locker room where I was able to have a short but interesting conversation with Spiky Joe, one of the members of the Tiny Spinies.

Hello, Spiky Joe.

Eh...who are you?

I'm Pyro, of course!

Um...

Writer of Travel Guide...wanted in Kansas...arrested once...

Oh, oh, I've heard of you. You're the guy that makes those Minecraft videos.

I'm warning you. You're very, very wrong.

You're SethBling?

Red zone! Red zone!

Oh man...I love your videos. They're witty, hilarous...

I'm not SethBling.

Oh, okay.

As you can see, the Major Leaguers are not too bright. Now that I think about it, the lights were pretty dim in that room...I wonder if it had something to do with Spiky Joe's stupidity?

Ah, no, I'm trailing off. All in all, the Glitz Pit gets boring very easily - er, no, it's an exciting place full of amazing activities and cunning fighters. What? I'm not getting paid by anyone to write this.

Help.

[[File:Font TVTomorrow.png]]
Written by:

After a very tough first appearance on the television, my shows have managed to stay on to the big screens thanks to the fabulous phenomenons known as re-runs and a lot of begging and crying string pulling. I'd like to take a moment to thank my non-existent staff for all their hard work on our shows, and I hope I continue to provide barely adequate wonderful shows for you people.

Shopping Channel

Greetings all, Icemario11 speaking and here's another instance of us Buying your Time! You know those formalities? Well, I'm gonna go all Chuckster mode on them and fling 'em out the window, because my supervisors are on my case about running time this month we all know somewhere in those nodding noggins that they're unneeded. Let's cut straight to the chase, trim this section a bit if you know what I mean. If you're interested in generally buying junk you don't need then stick around. If you're not, I implore you to become interested because this channel is how I get the income to survive on toothpaste just save some minutes of your life and change the channel. Anyway, as usual we have huge rip-offs big bargains so great that they'll leave you salivating if you don't order them now!

M. Bush

The first product I'll try to pawn off on to you for sale today is the M. Bush, this mint condition, multi-purpose, completely trustworthy bush, a soggy new shipment just arriving from the waters of Jade Jungle. It's perfect for covering that naked yet beautiful pate so shiny that a mob of crows tried to abduct it that some people have! Unlike other cheap rip-off "wigs", this bush will refrain from seeping its non-existent poisonous fangs into your cranium as it lacks the dental weapons to do so, making this practically a steal when put next to those flimsy flea-ridden wigs. And guess what folks? If you order within the next twenty milliseconds, you'll get a discount by an undisclosed amount!

'''Disclaimers: If your M. Bush doesn't ambush you, you have been conned and should demand a full refund and replacement. The M. Bush is not intended to sound like ambush or made to in order to imply it ambushes people, the M is instead short for Murderous Marvellous. Additionally, please remember that we are not responsible for any appendages that disappear after the purchase of this item, nor are we to be held responsible for any bite marks that appear after purchase or any occurrences due to the addition of poison to one's system.'''

Sneaky Parasol

Paranoid about a friend peeping through your stuff? Want to sneak into a place you shouldn't be in? Want to put someone who isn't exactly one of your best buds through the terrifying feeing of identity crisis? Well, sneak no further, the Sneaky Parasol is here to be ordered for those very purposes! And as we always make sure we're not responsible for any casualties relating to our products you're completely sure when ordering a product, here's our easy step by step guide.




 * 1) Approaching your designated victim subject of copying with the parasol on you is the first step to a successful delivery of identity crisis.
 * 2) Have the parasol in your hands as you approach the designated victim, especially if they're indoors as it will look very suspicious to take it out upon approaching them.
 * 3) The wielder must then intensify their grip on the parasol handle as if they were crushing a banana's guts vigorously in order to pressure the parasol into obeying your duplication demands tell it to start charging power.
 * 4) Whistle final boss music peaceful over-world music as it charges to mask the sound of it charging and prevent your subject from growing curious or suspicious of your intent. This will also calm your subject if they have played Super Princess Peach.
 * 5) Don't leer at the subject you're pointing the Sneaky Parasol at if anyone nearby is looking at you, as this will draw suspicion if they notice your body language.
 * 6) Make sure you point it straight at what you wish to become, then lighten your grip when you feel the parasol's about to rebel against you and your wishes the parasol starts shaking. The Sneaky Parasol will then copy just about everything about that thing's physical form by covering them in yellow sparkles they won't notice, and have those yellow sparkles surround you. This will overlap everything about you, completely disregarding whether or not you have an embarrassing birthmark and replacing your physical form with theirs. So in short, the Sneaky Parasol copies the target's physical form, selects your physical form, pastes it over that and undoes that paste after 24 hours.

The effects of it can be undone by once again intensifying the grip on the handle for a short period of time to tell it to warm up the undo button, then lighten up on your iron grip when the parasol starts crying from the fierceness of your dictatorial grip shaking to make it revert you back to who you are.

Disclaimer: Due to our strict instructions, we are in no way responsible for any customers who unintentionally spend days as combs due to misdirected duplications.

[[File:Font CookingGuide.png]]
Written by:

Hello peoples, I'm writing from the dining car on the Excess Express, where I'm suffering from an excess of powerful emotions likely caused by the severe trauma I experienced when I was recently nearly kidnapped, tortured and killed by a group of strongmen Mafioso hired by the chefs who made the recipes I bashed last time the very influential recipes I've tried recently.

Courage Meal

Have you ever felt too timid to make a new page because you're scared of it being a new stub and getting scolded? Nervous about making a mainspace edit because you don't know where to start? Unable to present a good argument because you're not firm enough and get steam-rolled like a flimsy tree every time? Worried about undoing someone's possibly disadvantageous edit because you get the feeling they'd rip your head off if you did? My Luigi-esque friend who still hasn't gotten a year named after themselves, the Courage Meal is unfortunately at your door.

While this hardened delicacy looks like it's mostly shell, recent studies have revealed there actually tends to be a sadistic yet live Koopa Troopa inside. These tend to be fearful beyond belief and refuse to explore the outside world, confining itself within its own shell, staying unknown to the world its whole life and not even bothering to flee its shell when about to be eaten. Anyhow, with the arduous scientific behind this recipe elaborated on, time to actually talk about the recipe as a recipe, otherwise known as Reciption but often confused with Reception.

It is believed managing to eat a Courage Meal will significantly boost your interior crocodile masculinity courage levels within the next 24 hours, although this has not yet been proven because everyone who did stomach it died from severe indigestion. Even though this is easily noticed, the Courage Meal is very hard and overwhelming crunchy for the most part, the mixture of hard shell, soft and mushy Koopa Troopa and that delicious dinner portion makes a incredibly horrendous and disgusting taste that cannot be stomached.

Ironically due to this, you need to be incredibly courageous to have the guts to eat this, defeating the purpose of it increasing your courage levels as you need incredibly high courage levels to eat it in the first place, at which point there's not much point eating it as your courage levels are so high. I personally had to get my stomach pumped to escape the wrath of this murderous recipe (in some assassin chef circles known as a murderecipe), and as a result, I give this a 1/10 for nearly killing me.

Standard Chocolate

You're looking at the standard they set themselves. It's the one standard that sets the texture... the taste... and the satisfaction you'd get through Standard Chocolate. It's only chocolate, but they believe you deserve a flawless experience every time. Standard Chocolate... the Chocolate Standard.

It looks like a really interesting mask design, but it's clear that it just doesn't last long on a Yoshi's face or anyone's for that matter. Leave it unattended and it'll have been digested faster than you can say hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia backwards. A great actor once used this as a mask during a play, ended up eating it by accident and suddenly lost every drama technique he had mastered in an instance, ruining the play as a result although it was pretty bad anyway and making subsequent showings of the play bomb in ticket sales.

Our lab rats who double as the guinea pigs have reported that Standard Chocolate is composed of the most gentle and hard to provoke cocoa bean known, and various parts of Poison Mushrooms. This has led to cases of severe technique loss, and there have been several reports from angry farmer Toads that they haven't been able to harvest their turnips due to eating Standard Chocolate within the past month. They demand the people who sold them this refund them, cure them and harvest their crops for them, these demands receiving no response. It is confirmed that eating too many portions of Standard Chocolate will lead to the consumer dying, going blind or deaf or possibly even losing a good sense of humour.

At first, Standard Chocolate tastes good. Then it tastes better, then suddenly the after-taste becomes horrendous and you regret swallowing it. And then the stuff that stops the things happens. Due to the time it takes for these severe effects to occur and chocolate is often used as a gift, it has been predicted this will become a popular form of murder and increase the murder rate in the world by 40% within the next year treat for many people around the world, and will be highly successful. I had to get my stomach pumped to remove this too as it was seriously hindering my comedic writing abilities, and my stomach was not at all pumped to have to go through that again in the same day, and thus pumped out some stuff of its own after the second pumping. Because of the horrible experience it put me through, it doesn't even deserve a score.

And that brings an end to my reviewing of these. I would've told you about the Choco Pasta Dish, but someone had to eat that the night before, and thus I didn't get to elaborate on it. If you have any complaints, redirect them to the guy who pounced my pasta, and PLEASE keep those shaved ice jokes about me to yourself. They're just not funny.

[[File:Obituaries.png]]
Written by:

Raphael the Raven

Hello, and welcome to the Obituaries, this month we will be looking into the death of my social life Raphael the Raven.

The bird was unfortunately crushed under a Tetris block as it played for its life the game. He was playing against Hookbill the Koopa, but when we went to interview him over this all we found was his shell with a note reading “Wanted for Murder: Relocating, brb”. A spokesperson for him refused to comment on either matter.

It was known that Raphael the Raven was a tribe leader on Lavalava Island, a nice island full of beautiful plants an… hang on, this is turning into Travel Guide. Anyway, it was believed that the Ravens were reformed however the Village Leader spoke otherwise. “Those blasted Ravens weren’t reformed, they were always calling me old and fat.” Unfortunately, one of our interviewers agreed with the Ravens and we were kicked out of the village. The Ravens however were adamant that Raphael was reformed and praised his leadership of the Ravens, stating that without him they wouldn’t have been able to fly, one of our interviewers stated that they couldn’t, however they grew offended and threw us of the island.

It was also known that Raphael worked under Bowser when he was a baby, however, when we tried to find him we were pointed to the sky, where we saw a raven poop on us, as well as a constellation that heavily resembled Raphael. We were told that the constellation in the sky was actually Raphael, and after lifting the Tetris block up, we found that there was nothing there.

In the aftermath of this death it was revealed that Raphael had died ages ago and was really a constellation. The Village Leader also found one morning that on the island the Ravens were gone, and they were seen on the island nevermore.

Ask Paper Yoshi
Written by:

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the November Issue of Ask Paper Yoshi!! After fleeing to Uruguay, being deported to France for no reason, waking up inside a plane bound to Recife, Brazil, and coming all the way back to São Paulo on a donkey, I'm back!! This month, I'll be answering twelve questions from three different users: (Forum profile),  (Forum profile) and  (Forum profile).

Gonzales Kart's questions came in a few days before the last issue was released, so they could not be answered then. He asks:


 *  Do you have any favorite Mario games on N64?
 * Well, Gonzales, the Nintendo 64 was my first Nintendo console overall, so I surely have a lot of memories from those days, and many favourite games as well. I'd say the N64 Mario games I like the most are (in no particular order):


 * Paper Mario – I actually played the Virtual Console version for real, but it still is a N64 game, and one of my favourite games overall;
 * Mario Kart 64 – One of my favourite Mario Kart games, for that matter;
 * Mario Party 2 and Mario Party 3 – I have the MP2 cartridge, but I prefer MP3;
 * Super Mario 64 – And last, but not least, the game that changed everything for platformers, and one of the hardest games I've ever played (the DS port is much easier, in my opinion).


 * And do you like DK? I know I don't...
 * As for this second question, I... guess I like Donkey Kong. I mean, he's not one of my favourite characters, but I have nothing against him at all.

After submitting six questions for the last issue, Icemario11 sent me seven more questions. He asks:


 * What do you think of monocles?
 * I believe the monocle, despite its age, still is a fashionable piece of eyewear, especially when combined with a top hat and a suit.


 * Can you recall a memorable game of Mario Party you've had?
 * I don't remember a particular memorable game I've played, but I was really competitive when playing Mario Party 2 with Luigi, always aiming to rack up the best statistics and win comfortably at the end, trying to get an absurd number of Stars.


 * Considering the conflicting implications of your name, are you a Yoshi made of paper or a Yoshi who devours paper?
 * Originally, this username was the result of mixing together "Paper Mario" and "Yoshi", as I like both of them, and because I wanted a Mario-related username, after being called Mateus23 here (with Mateus being my real name and [May] 23 being the day I was born). However, it later evolved to represent how I look as a user: a Cyan Yoshi made of paper.


 * Has your toilet ever suffered from clogging and if so, how was its indigestion problem resolved?
 * Yes, a number of times, as a matter of fact. Solving said problem usually involves patiently flushing the toilet and/or throwing a bucketful of water into it.


 * Have you ever inflicted pain on someone through devices of paper (paper ninja stars, paper airplanes, etc.)?
 * Despite being made of paper, I have never used any of those artifacts as weapons before. Being unable to even make a decent paper airplane adds to that as well.


 * What made you use cyan to represent yourself instead of any of the other colours?
 * In the original Super Smash Bros., after successfully playing through my first run of the single-player mode with Cyan Yoshi, I solely chose him in this mode every time I played through it, ultimately growing to like Cyan Yoshi. Thus, when I had to choose a colour for my user appearance, I decided to go with cyan, both as a homage to those SSB days and because that was (and still is) my favourite Yoshi colour.


 * Have you ever bowled a bowling ball behind yourself at the people in the seats, like how you can in Wii Sports' Bowling, and if not have you at least considered it?
 * I have neither done that in real life nor considered doing it. I have managed to pull that off a few times in Wii Sports, though.

And, lastly, Koopartol Brick Block asks:

I mean, MOAR QUESTIONZZ uhhmmm Do you like WALUIGI DUNDUNDUUUUN If you had a house, and it had molten bronze overflowing, what would you do? BACKTOADVENUTRE Did you REALLY REEEEEALLYY REALLY set the HQ on fire in The 'Shroom:Issue LXIX/Fake News?! Common, dont lie to meee tell the truth ......... The answer to the second question depends on the bronze's temperature: if it still were very hot, I would surely run away as fast as I could; if it were cool, on the other hand, I would probably dive in and swim across my house.
 * Ok, let's see... I actually do like Waluigi, and was very disappointed due to his absence from Mario Kart 7. However, I feel he should appear in more than just spin-offs.

Ok, I'll tell you the whole truth. One lovely day, at around 3 PM, I was drinking some coffee, and happily eating a chocolate muffin at the HQ's 'Shroombucks store, when, all of a sudden, a shady figure ran past my table, spilling the coffee all over the floor, and stealing (I tell you, STEALING) my oh-so-delicious muffin. I proceeded to run after the criminal, trying to catch him/her, but was unsuccessful in my quest. A few days later, as I walked to my room, I watched as the culprit stole someone else's cranberry muffin. I then decided to follow him, which led me to the Music & Artwork Archives Room. Afterwards, I--- Wait. I'm telling him everything. That's not good. Um... Goodbye? *runs away (again)*
 * As for the third question, I... uhhhhhh...

''And that's it for now! As always, remember to send Paper Yoshi your questions, and look for the answers on the next issue of Ask Paper Yoshi!!''

We'll find Paper Yoshi, don't worry.