The 'Shroom:Issue 104/Fake News

Fake News

Editorial
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Welcome back to the Fake News!

As it's Movember, this month we'll be celebrating the moustache:



 True Facts About Moustaches They Don't Want You To Know 
 * The moustache was named after its inventor, Wiliam Henry "Moustache" Beard. (He was nicknamed "Moustache" because he had a moustache on his face.)
 * 1 in 5 men would, if legal, marry their own moustache
 * The youngest owner of a moustache was 6 years old. He later went on to punch a bear in the face, without even using his hands.
 * When a moustache turns 10 years old, it's time for it to leave the nest. It will detach itself from your face and fly off into the sunset. You will shed a single tear. But don't worry. It's old enough to take care of itself.

Section of the Month
Really close competition this month, but congrats, Anton!

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WALUIGI ELECTED MAYOR OF TOAD TOWN

In what can only be somebody's idea of a cruel joke, local fraudster Waluigi has somehow been elected Mayor of Toad Town in the recently held election.

The election was held due to the mysterious disappearance of the previous mayor, Toadsworth, who hasn't been seen in two years. Muss T. from the Toad Town council told The 'Shroom "Yeah, we probably shouldn't have waited two years before replacing him."

In regards to Toadsworth's location, Mr. T. told us "He is missing, presumed flustered."

Not much is known the origin of Waluigi. Some believe he was there at the start of the universe, silently watching over the creation of everything with his toothy grimace, wiry moustache, bright pink nose and still, unblinking eyes. Some believe he's been watching and waiting since then - breathing heavily above the world in anticipation of...something. Nobody is quite sure of his intentions. Nobody is sure who or what he is. Even Wario remains ignorant towards the true purpose and intention of Waluigi. Ignorance, after all, is bliss.

However, others argue he just looks a bit funny, though this is unlikely and these people are clearly insane.

Waluigi was largely treated a joke candidate throughout the election. Nobody thought to take his campaign seriously until it was too late. And now look where we are.

Nonetheless, Waluigi ended up winning the election by one billion votes, which is weird because the entire population of the Mushroom World does not even equal one billion. In response to allegations that he was cheating, Waluigi uttered a very dismissive "WAAAA!".

Waluigi's campaign promises are beyond bizarre. For example, all residents of Toad Town must purchase very expensive 'Taco Insurance'. Additionally, every building in Toad Town must be rotated by 90 degrees. One of his promises is just a weird drawing of a triangle.

It is unknown whether Waluigi's mayorship will usher in the apocalypse, but a local expert considers it "more than likely".

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Pink Gold Peach Usually I start this section off with terrible news that someone has recently died, however this time I start it off with great news, as somebody has recently died. Now whilst that may seem cruel to you, I'm sure you'll be glad to know that the fatality was none other than Pink Gold Peach.

She died as she posed for pictures whilst driving in Bowser's Castle, as a result she lost control of her Kart and plunged into the lava below. Responses to the accident were very slow, as the Lakitu in charge couldn't be bothered was unable to locate her Kart underneath all the lava. In an interview he later gave he said "It's because the damn girl who too heavy. I'm not saying she's fat, well I kind of am, but her body being made of such a dense material kind of makes it a hard job to fish her out. If someone like Bowser had fallen in then that would've been a lot easier to do."

As a result of this, all the lava from Bowser's Castle was drained, much to his chagrin, in fact his arguing delayed the draining of the lava for another six days. Experts reckon that she could have survived down there for five days. When the lava was finally drained all that was discovered was a puddle of pink gold in the driver's seat of the Badwagon. Thankfully, the Kart was completely fine and is slated to potentially be going to Wendy O. Koopa.

The funeral of Pink Gold Peach was attended to by many... empty seats. Honestly, no-one showed up, not even the priest to give her the last rites. In all honesty, the morgue team didn't even take her body, instead they just drained it from the Kart and then put all the lava back in.

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Thanks to (Forum profile) and  (Forum profile) for sending in questions! And actually super big thanks to Stoob for using my section as a way to advertise his team, so hey, if you like writing and wanna join The 'Shroom, go give Strategy Wing a try!

As always, if you seek my flawless advice, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page! If you would like for there to be a doodle with the response to your question, feel free to request so and I'll see what I can do. Next month will hopefully have a generic ~holiday~ theme!