The 'Shroom:Issue 114/Fake News

Editorial
Written by:

Hi, welcome back to the Fake News!

Unfortunately, two of our writers have left us - has resigned from writing the Travel Guide, and  has been fired from writing the Monthly Inquisition due to inactivity. Sad to see both of you go, but thanks to both of you for the time you've put in!

Also, we're running a feedback poll this month, which you can find under the Section of the Month results. Be sure to check it out!

Feedback Poll
Feel free to choose more than one option, or even write one yourself if there's something else you'd like to see that isn't on the poll. The poll will run until a week or so before the next issue, in which the results will be published.

[[File:Font PoliceBlotter.png]]
Written by:

Greetings, 'Shroom readers. This is Lord Judge Bowser here with this month's edition of Police Blotter.

(don't you dare remark on the hypocrisy or you will suffer the same fate as Jack did last time)

ahem.

Anyway, as your new Mushroom Kingdom High Court judge, I have received a number of cases this month. Most of them were just small, not very newsworthy complaints, but there was one case in particular that stood out to me, and will definitely have you going "HOW IN THE F-".

One of my loyal minions, a pyromaniac Shy Guy, was able to sneak into Princess Peach's castle, and discovered a harrowing fact. The princess, along with her right-hand man, Mario, have been hoarding taxpayer money and other government funds in a hidden vault, and have been using the money to fund their own selfish luxuries instead of providing for their kingdom. Pyro Guy was able to conjure up this absolutely not doctored, completely 100% real photograph of the nefarious pair caught in the act.



Would you just look at the vast amount of resources that they're just plundering away? It's enough to make even Wario jealous.



After doing some more research, Pyro Guy reported his findings to me. According to his research, Mario and Peach have pilfered away government money on countless unnecessary luxuries over the past decades. They include; an animatronic statue of Peach, made entirely of pink gold; another animatronic statue, this one of Mario, made completely out of silver; the extraction of DNA from Daisy and Rosalina to create their baby monstrosities; literally dropping millions of coins over eight worlds, just so that Mario can collect them all to purchase himself another statue (made of gold this time, mind you); importing large amounts of exotic cat fur just to drape it all over themselves and their friends; purchasing a mansion just for the sake of storing some of their gold (and then trying to pawn it off onto Luigi); going on a lengthy luxury vacation, screwing up mine in the process; and worst of all, constantly going on trips around the world just to play sports with their pen pals.

Pyro Guy was actually unable to get a total amount of how much money the two have wasted away in the process of doing all of this, saying "because my brain lights itself on fire when I try to think of a number that big. And believe me, I've done that a lot... sometimes on purpose..." Regardless, the evidence he presented to me was more than enough to hold a trial for the immoral thieves. After hearing from the prosecution team, which consisted of only Pyro Guy and myself, the jury of twelve Toads met for six hours, until I lost my patience and delivered the verdict without their input. In a completely unbiased fashion, I read their verdict aloud. By the power invested in me by this poorly-drawn gavel, I found the defendants, Mario and Princess Peach...



...of embezzlement, fraud, grand theft, and being overall dicks. I later sentenced the two to life in prison without the possibility of parole, to ensure that they can never be able to hold and abuse positions of power like that ever again. Speaking of abuse of power, I've just heard that the Mushroom Kingdom is virtually defenseless and ripe for a military take-over. Stay tuned until next month, where I will report on the state of crimes in the new Koopa Kingdom. Thank you for reading this month's edition of Police Blotter, and make sure to pledge allegiance to the Koopa Kingdom before Lord Judge Bowser forces you to!

[[File:Font SportReport.png]]
Written by:

Hello everyone, and welcome back to Sport Report! I am your host, Alex95, here to give you the play-by-play on the current sporting event in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Continuing on Mario Kart 64 ' s 150cc Mushroom Cup, the next race takes place on Moo Moo Farm. Like last time, we’ll be focusing on Luigi as he tries to go for the gold. The racers line up at the starting line and Lakitu gives the countdown. 3… 2… GO! The racers have a slow start and Princess Peach takes first. Luigi and Bowser are ramming into each other as they collect some items. Luigi nabs some Triple Red Shells and uses them to gain the lead, knock Peach and Bowser down behind him! Under the bridge, Peach returns to take the lead, but runs into Luigi’s remaining Red Shell and falls behind! Luigi accidently shoots a Green Shell forward, making it bounce around the walls. Luigi misses getting an item and Bowser boosts ahead. But wait! Bowser gets hit with that Green Shell! Luigi takes the lead again! Luigi gets a Mushroom and boosts across the gate into the second lap, followed closely by Peach. Meanwhile, Donkey Kong is trudging behind in eighth, nowhere close to Wario’s seventh place position.

Luigi and Peach are fighting for first as he grabs some Triple Green Shells. Luigi’s trying to hit Peach with them, but she keeps swerving away! At the Monty Mole holes, Luigi manages to nail Peach with a shell! Bowser is coming up quick, but soon meets the same fate as the princess! Oh, Luigi wastes the remaining Green Shell on a Banana coming up on a turn, though he now has a single Green Shell to help protect him. Peach comes running into the Green Shell behind Luigi then… Doh! Luigi hits a Mole and goes barreling into the air! Luigi has a hard time recovering as Peach and Bowser pass by him, though Bowser instantly takes a hit from the princess’s Shell.

Coming into the final lap, Luigi is right behind Peach with some Triple Green Shells and Bowser and Yoshi are right behind him. Bowser runs right into Luigi, taking a hit from a Green Shell! Luigi’s trying hard to catch up with Peach, but she’s just too fast! Luigi takes a chance and fires a Koopa Shell aaaand… He nails the hit! Peach goes tumbling out of control, allowing Luigi to easily pass her! There was a pretty sizable gap between Luigi’s first and Peach’s second, though she and Bowser were able to close the gap quickly. …I swear, I think the players have some extra Mushrooms or something. Luigi, Peach, and Bowser all try to cut through the Molehills, but they all take a hit! Peach speedily recovers and takes first as Luigi and Bowser fight for second, but it wasn’t enough. Peach takes first, Bowser second, and Luigi third. So close…


 * 1) Luigi – 12
 * 2) Peach and Bowser – 09
 * 3) D.K. – 06
 * 4) Mario – 02
 * 5) Yoshi, Toad, Wario - 00

But it’s okay! Luigi still has the point lead! Toon in next week as the racers go through Koopa Troopa Beach and see if Luigi can pull off a win this time! See you around!

[[File:Obituaries.png]]
Written by:

Master Core Death can come to anything no matter its size, body shape, or whatever the hell this thing has. The Master Core is dead and it's already causing a nightmare for the Mushroom Kingdom coffin salesman as nothing they have actually fits.

Cause of death is still fairly shaky as many local authorities refuse to go near the mass fearing that it will simply turn into a different form and defeat them. I immediately rubbished these claims, although I too refused to actually go near the beast, just in case I had to remember my traumatic experience travelling through the Master Fortress. And getting cut by the Master Swords. And getting eaten by the Master Beast. And slipping on the true Master Core and falling down the stairs.

I ask many heroes their personal thoughts on the deaths of the deceased, but all of them were filled with jubilation. Even the kind-hearted Princess Peach said things about Master Core that aren't suitable for publishing Honestly, you would not believe the motor mouth she has [Do not speak about our princess like that, or you'll be fired. Ed.] Bowser's response on the other hand was much more refined "Although he was a pain to overcome, it was inevitable that my might would vanquish the foe that had been placed in my way." He became a lot more touchy after I asked why his inevitable might had never properly beaten Mario.

The Master Core proved to be a difficult foe for many heroes of the Nintendo universe, in fact it was so feared that the Awards Committee was never actually able to bring itself to hand it its Hardest Boss Award. Oh well, I guess I'll just take that for my trophy cabinet instead.

Yoshi876 was later arrested by local authorities for stealing from the dead. Despite his protests he has been found guilty and will be sent for pre-sentencing in the coming days.

[[File:TheCloggedPipe.png]]
Written by:

Salutations! This is The Clogged Pipe, hot 'n fresh as always with the most relevant statistics and news in the community! We have a veritable scoop today, but first:

And now, here it is... The moment you have all been waiting for!

I present to you, for the first time, the COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED, UNCENSORED, Poll Committee Report!

Poll Committee Discussion
Bleh, is it time for this crap again? God dang it. Why do we have to keep on writing this Report? It's been proven that nobody reads the Pipe Plaza, ever! I mean, all you'd ever want to know about the state of the Polls on this forsaken website has been made public on Twitter already.

So why do we keep pretending? Hell if I know! At least I get paid for this nonsense.

Paid with the bloody tears of the poor souls who have to answer these polls, that is. I can assure you that no non-masochistic people would ever want to come back to the same poor excuse of a wiki every week just to answer our "well researched polls".

Regardless, I don't care. I'm doing my job so there's that. Here's last months polls:

Analysis
All of these polls show that we as a community have failed. After 11 Years of trying, it is the time to finally realize that we have long passed the zenith of what we are capable to do as a news resource. Our community keeps on dying out, they are not interested anymore in such interesting subjects as episode summaries from Donkey Kong Country, or exact HP Stats from Super Mario RPG. All users we attract nowadays are extremely misguided beings, which is why we, the poll committee, and our associates can feast away on their innocent minds like we are at an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant. I know perfectly well that this version of the report will never make it past the quality control, and I don't care. It doesn't matter what I'm writing because all of this will be replaced by automatically generated text anyways. At this point, there will probably be a load of bull about how exciting these next few months will be for the poll committee, and in fact, they really are gonna be great. Soon, we'll finally be able to buy another private jet so we can get to our financial reserves in Switzerland faster!

Aaaanyways, I think next month the report will be written by. Poor guy. I think he still assumes we are doing anything other than enriching ourselves.

Now, with this done, I can finally lean back in my chair, smoke come cigars and chill. Also I have gotten word that The Clogged Pipe will also be back next month as well, always a very exiciting read! ...Yeah, Bye.

[[File:Font HotRecords.png]]
Written by:

Greetings, music afficionados. I'm sure those of you "in the know" are still reeling from last week's revelation, as am I. For those of you who don't know, critically acclaimed indie darling Luigi has announced that his forthcoming album will in fact be his last. The prolific singer-songwriter and pioneer in the Mushroom Kingdom shoegaze revival is best known for his 1990 album "Songs of a Vacuum Cleaner", noted for its powerful walls of sound and the gentle, indistinct vocal duets of him and his then-collaborator, Daisy. This album, "Dreams inside a Vacuum Cleaner", reprises many of the concepts of his seminal work, but with a much more hopless, bleak sound. Gone are the female vocals. In their place, a haunting chorale of Luigi's whispers. Let's crack into this album's tracklisting before I get too far ahead of myself.


 * 1) It's Drone, Mario (I didn't make it.) (1:27)
 * 2) Official Size (5:47)
 * 3) Asbestos in the Mansion (3:22)
 * 4) Gust (4:59)
 * 5) Floaty (Jumps) (5:30)
 * 6) Dreaming from Inside the Vacuum Cleaner (8:32)
 * 7) CHISLED IT Pt I (4:12)
 * 8) CHISLED IT Pt II (0:35)
 * 9) CHISLED IT Pt III (7:50)

The album is wholly more lush than any of Luigi's preceding works. Swirly guitars create a claustrophobic, but comfy listening experience. From the meandering minuet at the start of the album to the angry "Official Size", to the hopless "Dreaming from Inside the Vacuum Cleaner", this is an absolutely perfect album. The highlight is the three piece "CHISLED IT", however. Everything builds into a beautiful crash at the last track. This is album of the year. If you disagree you're wrong and I will fight you. What a great way to end a career.

11/10

[[File:Font TVTomorrow.png]]
Written by:

Hello there, TV fans! It's me again, Quizmelon, telling you what's on the box for tomorrow. I was asked recently why my report for what's on tomorrow only comes once a month, because 'then, surely, you are missing out on what's on on the other thirty days'? I replied by telling him 'well, you know... if you watch the TV any other day it's crap'. Admittedly that was just to get rid of him. Anyway, here are the top three shows that I recommend all Mushroom Kingdom inhabitants watch.

Yoshi's Island MKBC2, 8.30pm Genre: Soap In this episode of the hit soap, Green Yoshi finds himself in some trouble with a Nep-Enut after the deal he made with Snifit. Meanwhile, Orange Yoshi is worried that Purple Yoshi is going to get arrested, so he attempts to save her, and Yellow Yoshi is stressing about taking care of Baby Yellow Yoshi. New: Not Just Little Stars MKBC1, 7pm Genre: Documentary Lumas are often dissed as 'Just little stars' and 'unimportant'. But that isn't what they are, as Toadsworth tries to prove in this new documentary. In the first part, he meets some people who have something to say about this constant rejection of Lumas. A tantalisingly heartwarming documentary that will change your perspective on these creatures for good. The Mansion Reality Channel, 9pm Genre: Reality show The finale of this Big Brother-style reality show, where lots of random Mario characters are locked in a mansion full of ghosts, is on today, and the three finalists - Blue Toad, Shy Guy and Luigi - will have to hope they get the public vote to win. And remember - the two losers have to stay in the mansion for the rest of their lives. With the ghosts. The hit show, hosted by the spooky King Boo with assistance from his Boo minions, will return for a second season in November, so look out for that too. That's all from me, I'm afraid. And in referral to my introduction statement, I need to say that if you watch the TV on any other day it is most decidedly not 'crap'. I was just trying to make him go away. Really, I have no answer to his question. Anyway, see you in a month when I'm doing this again, but until then, goodbye.

[[File:Font CookingGuide.png]]
Written by:



Just so you know,



The tasks I may or may not do have ''nothing'" to do with my... availability, job-wise.



Just because I did a job considered a "minion's job", that doesn't mean that I am a minion. Just because I'm a little short on money (silly catering officer didn't enjoy my meal. Ever heard of an opinion?) doesn't mean that I'd do anything to pay the bills. Besides, exploring this castle revealed a sweet setup for this month's episode!



So I'm filming this from the inside of the Royal Mushroom Kingdom Kitchen. 3, 2, 1, action.



Hey everyone, and welcome to my sixth episode of Cooking Guide! While today may be in September, I still like to remember the fiery heat of Summer, through a barbecue! I'll be taking you through the process of preparing and cooking a steak to go along with your meals, and...

Yeah? Oh, hi. Yes, I'm currently filming.

...

The guards are already coming? I'll just find another room then. Nonono, I am not taking this photo back to you until I have this filmed. Just be patient, alright?

Cut; we're relocating for now.

Later...



...here in the countryside, the trick is to put it on before the seasoning, but when the fire is at its hottest. We want to get this done as quickly as possible- so we don't keep the guests waiting, no?

Hang on, I'm getting a call.



No, I have not finished. The steak's still raw.

...

Finish now? I can't do that! ...Fine, I'll email you the photo. Later.

Wait what, they're across the hallway? Already! Bah, I'm innocent, barring some minor trespassing issues. They can't touch me.



Fellow viewers, that's all I have for today, sorry. The rest of it is easy, just throw some herbs and chips in and you'll have a satisfied stomach. Enjoy your mea-

Oh, hello officer. What seems to be the probWOAH WOAH DON'T TOUCH THE CAMERA



Oh... trespassing on royal property? Me, a humble chef? Pfft, not me!



Well maayybbee I did a teensy little bit of exploring in search of a treasure stash and a kitchen. Not to steal though, to film...

Fine, take me away.

'''Will The Pyro Guy cook his way out of this mess? Stay tuned for the next chapter in this story!'''