Cooking Section
<_< *waves*
~~MONTY MOLE SPECIAL~~
--> Zess T. Edition <--
WARNING: I'm quite serious this time. Last issue, I saw a strange, tall 'stached guy step into my domains. Sir, you changing your clothes from red to green and carrying a Vacuum Cleaner will not, I repeat, will NOT change the fact I hate you. Do not try anything. I have hired guards this time. I'm serious. I can sue you and call lawyers and all that.
Welcome to Zess T.'s Cookin'! I'm Zess T., best chef in Rogueport, and this is our spectacular second issue! Woo! Due to the mass amount of positive comments received last time (my GMail inbox was full!), I have decided to make all of your mortal dreams true and feature what I was asked for. This particular e-mail caught my interest:
Dear Zess T.:
Hello, my love. The day our eyes met was a fantastic, romantic day indeed. The curves in your limbs, the perfectly round mushroom cap of yours, and that ever-so-clean white hair... Yum. Makes me want to-
What the...?! *cough* Hehehe... Uh.. must have have been a joke by some silly kid. I'm sorry (or not, hah!). This is the actual e-mail:
dear zess tee, chef deluxe:
hi im ur biggest fan! i wuv ur cooking ways and want to grow up 2 be just liek you!!! i was wondering if you could cook teh secret monty mole dish in teh next issue, cuz i have been wondering how 2 maek it for a while now. thnx in advance. toadbetty.
Spiffy, eh? Sure. So, since I'm so nice, I have decided to do what they have asked me! That's how nice I am. Remind your parents to buy Zess T. merchandise, and I'll keep preparing your favorite stuff. So, anyway... here's the ingredient list for the MONTY MOLE SPECIAL ~ZESS T. EDITION~:
Ingredients (4 people):
- Fresh Poshley Heights Pasta - 500 grams
- Cleft Feces - 30 grams
- Mt. Rugged Rocks - 210 grams
- Super Sweet Awesome Zess T. Sauce - 1 packet
- Blablanadon Eggs - 3 units
- Salt - 10 grams
- Keelhaul Key Blackberry Jam - As much as you consider convenient.
Note the items may be hard or costy to obtain, but Monty Moles enjoy the high life, so deal with it.
Preparation
To start off, boil the pasta in a preferably French metal pot at untimed fire. Make you sure you bake the pasta every now and then so it doesn't overheat. Once the water begins to evaporate, throw in the salt with extreme care. What? That you have to include the salt as soon as you fill the pot with hot water? Nah, that's a myth. Don't believe that. Believe in Zess T. She's always right. Anyway, as the pasta boils, select a rather large table and leave both the Cleft Feces and the Mt. Rugged Rocks on its surface. As an additional tip, it is recommendable to have Hyper Cleft feces, as they have... well, an hyper taste. And they give you energy.
Anyway, use your imagination and form shapes with the feces and the rocks. I myself love making hearts and lips, because they highlight my feminity, which SOME losers say I lack (I'm looking at you, Don Pianta!). Once you think your shapes are perfect, your pasta should be ready. Turn off the fire and get rid of the water. Drinking it may be a good idea, especially in cold days. Don't worry, it tastes EXCELLENT. Once the water's gone and your pasta is alone in the pot, grab the packet of Super Sweet Awesome Zess T. Sauce (which is 30% off just this week!) and scatter the whole content into the pot, hopefully in different places. Mix well and you'll soon see the sauce work - the pasta will turn gray! It looks terrible, but it tastes fantastic. And we're not even done yet!
Boil the Blablanadon eggs until you can hear the baby Blablanadons inside screaming. Quickly throw your boiled eggs into the pasta and squish them against the pot's walls. Once again, mix well, and add salt if necessary. Go back to your artistic structures of Rocks and Feces and smell them. They should smell like... well, feces with rocks. If they don't, then wait a bit. Once they do, put the whole shapes into the oven at its maximum for around 15 minutes. If you don't know how to control your oven, then you might find your house burning uncontrollably. But, heh, that's only if you're the biggest fool ever (which you probably are...).
Next step is easy, if not extremely obvious. Take out your pieces of art and serve the pasta in separate dishes. Now position your art on the edges of the dish (North, South, East and West look especially nice) and cover them with the Keelhaul Key Blackberry Jam. The result should be outstanding. It will, for some scientific reason I'm not going to explain, freeze. Great! It is recommended for the pasta to be served warm, as it's neat to taste the cold feces and then the warm pasta. Or so say the Monty Moles.
Well, that's it. I have revealed to you, a simple mortal, the secret of the Monty Mole Special. The recipe which has been cooked by Monty Moles and that somehow keep them young forever, is now here for you to cook. The best occasion, undoubtly, is for when you go to one of those crazy Monty Mole discos with your friends - they might even let you in free for bringing something so delicious and delectable.
Oh, look at the time! It's late. I have a date with my dear Toads-- er, an appointment with the dentist, and I have to hurry out of here. Next month, we'll be offering something that will send your tongue to Paradise, and your teeth to... well, the other place. But really, it's worth eating, even if you die afterwards. If this time we took things to THE NEXT LEVEL, then next time we will take things TO THE NEXT NEXT LEVEL. Silly people like you probably don't understand this complicated terminology, but it basically means it'll be awesome.
Zess T. out! And bon appetite!
|
About 
